In short:
My mom was abusive in many different ways, including verbal (and physical) aggression. This resulted in me not seeing that behavior as unacceptable, and marrying a men who yells. At the time, I thought it was all a normal part of life, if I got yelled at, I figured that the other person probably has a valid reason to be upset. Now I know that it absolutely was abusive behavior. Of course, given the personality, there were big problems in the marriage, but for many reasons, we stayed together until we had our first kid, 10 years after we married. Two things happened: first, we were both physically and emotionally frazzled by sleep deprivation, I couldn't function properly, and he was getting angry and aggressive partly because of that, which stressed me out and made me even less functional. Second, all the therapy and self-help reading I did over the years suddenly zoomed in in my head, now that I had a daughter, and in a moment of clarity I said "do not yell at me". I don't know why it never occurred to me before that was not a way to treat people. At the moment, I gained a spine and stood up for myself and didn't let someone mistreat me any more. Unfortunately, this was like pouring gasoline on a fire and made things much worse.
Lesson one, standing up for myself, which I still think is the right behavior, didn't work. My advice after that would be to exit the relationship, yesterday, but I couldn't do that for a variety of reasons, so this dragged on.
The yelling continued on. From April until about October, it went on all day, every day. I did get angry, but I was afraid of my wn anger and always suppressed it. I simply ignored my husband's yelling, which, again, I think, made it worse. I had a very deeply ingrained belief that this is not how I behave in a relationship, and that's it. So I let it in one ear, out the other, for about six months. After that, it wore me down and I started yelling back. This was not abusive, it was self-defense. At that point, I remember being completely crushed by the fact that I was dragged down to that level, and that this is how we live. I thought "I am now white trash." It was crushing and identity shattering. It was also humiliating, because I'm sure our neighbors could hear it all. I am now used to the fact that I am not as good of a person as I thought I should be, and as I worked very hard to be. I adjusted to the new reality.
Lessons 2 and 3: Given enough time, you will be dragged down to the level of the people you are dealing with. So choose people wisely. Also, ignoring an abuser doesn't work. It doesn't just blow over.
Over the years, I regained control over my anger, and was able to keep it in check. Then I read "Anger Management for Dummies" and some other anger management books, hoping to help the situation. My husband wanted nothing to do with it, but I found out that suppressing your anger effectively does not mean that you don't have an anger issue. Being a quick study of the CBT method, the next week I was free of anger, and it's continued since. I don't get angry because it is not an effective way to deal with a situation. (I'm 5'4" and my husband is 6'4", so for him it has been effective though.) When I feel anger coming over me, I mentally redirect to more helpful thoughts. The small stuff (getting cut off while driving, etc.) don't even register any more. The big stuff I can deal with by reframing ('maybe I don't understand the situation', 'maybe I'm assuming too much', 'this isn't really important anyway', and, of course, 'anger would not be helpful here'). The really stressful stuff that would elicit a big response from an average person, such as being yelled at for many minutes for no good reason, insulted, occasionally cursed, I deal with by just shutting out of the situation. I turn mentally inward to something unrelated and focus on that, or I simply empty my mind and go la-la-la... inside my had. This now works because now it does blow over. It leaves a bad taste and a desire to call a divorce lawyer, but it doesn't affect the way I think about myself. I've made a pact with myself that every time it happens I will take a step. So far, I've reached the point of getting some divorce lawyer recommendations. The next time it happens, I will make an appointment to discuss the situation. It won't get far, for these episodes are really rare now, but it gives me a sense of control.
Lessons 4, 5, and 6: You can be free of anger. Get some anger management therapy, your life will open for you. Some people do not want to become better people, and there's no help there. Ignoring yelling does help now and it doesn't make it worse. Reacting such as standing up for yourself would still make it worse.
Switching gears...
Back when I was incredibly stressed, I yelled at my toddler more than once, out of anger and without control. This was horrible and abusive, but I am still unable to feel truly guilty for it, because I understand just how stressed I was. Guilt will come in time. But it was bad and it should have never happened. These days, I reach down for my love for my kids, remember that anger is the wrong thing to do, that compassion and teaching the right behavior is the right thing to do, and mentally redirect. These are all anger management techniques. I would never be able to do it without learning those.. I give feedback rather than punish and don't actually have a behavior problem with the kids. I do raise my voice at appropriate times, and occasionally yell a little, but it's with control, short, and truly without anger. That is not abuse, and I don't see it as a problem. It may not be the best parenting, but it's not the worst either.
Only a couple of times after anger management, I've yelled at my son without control. Both times I was working under a deadline, and he would come to me, and wouldn't leave the room when asked, and nudge my hand ever so gently, and just so much that I couldn't use the mouse or the keyboard properly. Then he would repeat that a hundred more times. That is Chinese water torture, and I blew it those two times. This I do see as a problem, as aggressive, and as marginally abusive (it's not truly abusive because there is not an ongoing pattern). I don't work on fixing that on my end because it's so rare that it's not worth the trouble. I do work on fixing it on his end, by teaching obaying requests, delaying gratification, and generally not being a spoiled brat.
Lessons 7 and 8: Being nice to your kids gives the best results. Anger is toxic.