Obviously this guy doesn't realize how bad his situation is, if a yelling argument is how to get going on a Monday. That sounds miserable.
So, genuine question - when (small) kids or life upsets put you at your wit's end, how do you react? My mom always yelled. It wasn't threatening (well, at 4 it was, but by 9 or so it wasn't). It was the tone switch to "you kids are going to listen and do as I say now (usually getting ready, putting toys away, stop doing the dangerous thing now for goodness sake)". When I'm super frustrated and overwhelmed at home, I'll raise my voice for about 5-10 seconds for a short sentence, that blows off the very built up frustration, and then I can talk. I don't have kids yet. My DH is always at least in the next room while I do it, and I don't say anything mean. It happens probably 3x/month. My "I'm fed up now" signal is yelling, briefly. I'll be honest, it feels very good to me and is effective. What do you all do at that point?
There's a big difference between a brief loud tone proportional to the situation and unhinged screaming. It sounds like you use the former. My mom did, too, and because she didn't use it often, I took it seriously. She was generally very warm and loving, so it was not threatening. My dad used the latter. I am 40 and to this day, a man who loses control and starts screaming irrationally still sends me into a panic attack. (Disclaimer: my dad has changed a LOT and I have a decent adult relationship with him now. I trust him not to lose control of himself now.)
Jen, I'm so sorry! It sucks to be a kid with parents who can't manage to, you know, actually parent. (I had one too, but he relied/still relies on gaslighting and lying while building himself up, rather than unhinged screaming. Mostly.) I still get furious when someone lies to me in ways that contradict my own experiences, but I'm handling it better these days. Also, it's absurd: no one should be doing that to another human being, so being able to label it out loud helps.
To your earlier point, when my husband and I had been dating for a while, my dad instigated <another horrible thing around my grandparents' wills just after their deaths>, and I convinced my workplace insurance that they should pay for my therapy for a while (by describing what was happening in fairly dispassionate terms, which horrified the person doing the screening). At one point, my then-partner came with me, and after that it became for both of us, mostly learning how to have a relationship that in no way resembled either of the ones our parents had modeled. I wasn't sure about having kids either, but after some years we decided to give it a shot.
We read a LOT of books. We're both mathematicians, so we tend toward books that have some legitimate experimental or developmental support (rather than Dr. So-and-so's opinion about what children "need"). We really liked the "How to Talk So kids Will Listen..." series. We check in with each other frequently about kid-related stuff. We talk with our kid's teachers/counselors/friend's parents. (Although we don't necessarily agree with everything anyone else says, it's helpful to gather information.) We have a couple of aunts who have good advice. We really engaged with our neighbors, trying to help make our community a place we'd want to raise kids. We kept an eye on other people's children, and they kept eyes on ours. Our kids are now 14 and 17, and I'm fairly comfortable that we've done a reasonably good job with the people that they are. (so far, knock on wood.) We try to keep the long view in mine, i.e. "what kind of person do we want to encourage this kid to be as an adult?"
When push really comes to shove, sometimes we think "what would our parents do in this situation" and then do the opposite. Although at this point we mostly have our own ideas about what is effective or good parenting.
So, feel free to decide what you want --
yhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCUGMMEF2Zk! you can be a parent (or not) and whatever kind of grownup you choose.