The Money Mustache Community
Other => Off Topic => Topic started by: With This Herring on August 07, 2016, 03:42:04 PM
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After some fun discussions on the Inheritance Drama thread, we could use a new thread!
These are stories where the Original Poster, telling things from his/her point of view about how the Antagonist(s) completely wronged OP, ends up convincing everyone reading that OP is actually the one in the wrong.
Please feel free to post examples from around the web or your own experience with friends/acquaintances telling stories, but be cautious if you decide to post examples from this forum.
From the Inheritance Drama thread:
This control-freak who looks to Ask A Manager (http://www.askamanager.org/2016/08/i-emailed-my-girlfriends-boss-to-complain-that-he-encroached-on-our-relationship.html) to justify his boundary-crossing choices (First posted here. Thanks, Frankies Girl! (http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/antimustachian-wall-of-shame-and-comedy/inheritance-drama-you-got-any-stories-wanted/msg1179147/#msg1179147))
This dunce who blames security for touching him (https://www.reddit.com/r/Shoplifting/comments/3du5iq/got_caught_at_target_and_now_im_fucked/) after he systematically robs three Target stores of thousands of dollars in DVDs and BluRays, but he should totally get away with it because he's only 21 and young people are supposed to make mistakes! (First posted here by me. (http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/antimustachian-wall-of-shame-and-comedy/inheritance-drama-you-got-any-stories-wanted/msg1179674/#msg1179674))
And a recent follow up when dunce (https://www.reddit.com/r/Shoplifting/comments/4vgwrq/caught_at_marshalls_but_i_ran_from_lp_and_got_away/) gets away from Marshalls after stealing cologne. (First posted here. Thanks, lemanfan! (http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/antimustachian-wall-of-shame-and-comedy/inheritance-drama-you-got-any-stories-wanted/msg1180358/#msg1180358))
And now I present to you...
Two Tales of a Wedding from Etiquette Hell and sister site Hell's Bells (http://weddinghellsbells.com/?p=5814)
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This thread is so much fun!
Here's another epic one from Ask A Manager: http://www.askamanager.org/2016/06/i-was-fired-from-my-internship-for-writing-a-proposal-for-a-more-flexible-dress-code.html In a follow-up post, one reader asked whether AMA had heard back from the intern after their letter went viral and how they felt in light of the feedback. AMA said that the OP stood by their original stance.
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Oh, wow, that is a gem! The moment OP mentioned the one person who wasn't wearing required footwear, I thought "Oh boy, that person probably just had some sort of foot surgery..." I feel bad for the kid, but at the same time to jump into "Hey, everybody, let's sign a petition!" was pretty poor judgment.
While I'm glad the one intern who didn't sign got to stay on, that had to have been pretty awkward for the survivor. I'll bet (s)he got a glowing recommendation, though.
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That wedding one is special. The fact that OP1 doesn't recognise the different between 'not my taste' and 'faux pas' does seem to speak to her MeMeMe psychology.
Fantastic idea for a thread!
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Great thread.
Posting to follow.
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The wedding one is the best. THE BEST.
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If you like this sort of thing, you should frequent reddit's r/relationships. It is my guilty pleasure. Not all of the threads have that dynamic, but quite a few do.
Here is a classic example: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4ufb0r/update_my_18_parents_keep_insisting_that_im_gay/ (https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4ufb0r/update_my_18_parents_keep_insisting_that_im_gay/)
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The wedding one is the best. THE BEST.
Yes! If only the guest/girlfriend had left earlier, in spite of "those people" seeing her.
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Freaking following because awesome. I wish I would get I invited to a goth wedding, sounds fun!
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Following. I love these stories.
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This thread is so much fun!
Here's another epic one from Ask A Manager: http://www.askamanager.org/2016/06/i-was-fired-from-my-internship-for-writing-a-proposal-for-a-more-flexible-dress-code.html In a follow-up post, one reader asked whether AMA had heard back from the intern after their letter went viral and how they felt in light of the feedback. AMA said that the OP stood by their original stance.
THANK YOU. I was about to post that in the Inheritance Drama thread but thought it might have been too off-topic. (And then the whole thing went OT and we ended up here, which is perfect.)
I think the best part of the Special Shoe Lady part of the story is that it wasn't your average person-with-back/foot-problems. IT WAS A GODDAMN WOUNDED WAR VETERAN. And the writer was still all "I wish they had told us so we could have presented arguments against it."
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These are amazing. Posting to follow.
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Here's one:
I had been staying with my aunt for one year while I was trying to figure out what to do with my life. It wasn't the easiest start, but I eventually found a job that I liked and after that, things got a lot better. The problem is that after 6 months of living there, my aunt decided to start charging me rent! I took some time off from my job to visit friends for a few weeks, and she told me when I came back, I'd have to start paying $300/month. It's not like I get a whole house to myself either -- I have one room with a queen size bed and a bathroom. I also use the top floor of the house, which includes a big TV, couches, and an outdoor roof deck. My aunt does go up there occasionally, so it's not like it's "my" space, even though she knocks first before coming up the stairs.
I sort of feel like she's taking advantage of me because when I first got here, she made dinner for me every night and even put individual servings in microwavable dishes that we would both eat (she would take them to lunch if I hadn't already eaten them) and she doesn't do that very much anymore. I've been paying for all of my own food for the past few months and packing my own lunches and making my own sandwiches for dinner. About once a week she'll buy some bulk foods for me, but I don't really like to cook anything that takes more effort than opening a can or a bag, so while I eat the Clam Chowder soups, I don't have much interest in cooking rice and beans. I also pay my own way for Metro to get to and from work. It's not cheap! and sometimes I go out drinking after work and I because Metro has already closed, I have to pay to take Uber to get home. She just doesn't realize how much it costs to work!
So ever since she imposed this $300/month rent, I had to find a way to increase my hours, because the store originally only gave me about 20 hours of work each week. So now I have to work 35-37 hours every week. I don't mind though, because I get lots of great perks at work.
She constantly (at least one time per week) tells me to wipe the counter down after I make toast. And when I spilled my Starbucks all over her front door, I had to clean it two different times because she didn't think I wiped up all the coffee -- I honestly didn't notice that it got all over the walls and the door - (my bad!). You can't really blame those ants on me. They probably would have come in whether I spilled the coffee or not.
Anyway, I asked my aunt if she would let me out of paying the final month's rent because I was going back home, seeing some buddies, and I wanted to take them around and treat them to some cool things. I can't believe it, but she said no! What a cheapass - it's not like she needs the money, she's rich and has an awesome house all to herself. She makes so much more money than I do, why wouldn't she just forgive the last month rent? I asked why not, and she tried to deflect it by asking why I didn't just ask my dad for the cash once I move back home? Clearly, that's not the same at all, but she didn't see it that way. I mean seriously, I'm giving her my hard-earned cash and just asking for relief for just one month. It's not like I want to waste the money either. I want to treat my friends and pay for the things that we do together while they are visiting me in my parents' house.
Signed, Bluehouse's nephew
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Dear Bluehouse,
I have no words other than thanks for posting. Hopefully, hopefully, your nephew will learn one day. The part about needing to increase hours from 20/week to 37 almost made my head fall off.
Pachnik
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I love these. I also recommend the archives of That Bad Advice (http://thatbadadvice.tumblr.com/). She doesn't post much anymore, but she used to take advice column letters from around the web and answer them the way the shitty OP wishes she would have ("of course you are justified in doing this awful thing/having this terrible opinion! You are the special snowflake!").
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BlueHouse, I'm sorry your nephew is failing to learn a darn thing and grow up. You are a more patient aunt than I would be.
I love these. I also recommend the archives of That Bad Advice (http://thatbadadvice.tumblr.com/). She doesn't post much anymore, but she used to take advice column letters from around the web and answer them the way the shitty OP wishes she would have ("of course you are justified in doing this awful thing/having this terrible opinion! You are the special snowflake!").
Oh my gosh, That Bad Advice is great, too!
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Following. I so wish I had something to link to share though.
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BlueHouse, I'm sorry your nephew is failing to learn a darn thing and grow up. You are a more patient aunt than I would be.
He did. He learned quite a lot, but not quite everything I had hoped for. He spent twenty years never having to earn anything and never working hard for anything. In reality, he's kind, sweet, and gentle. And also as self-centered as you would expect from having grown up in the circumstances he did. He learned a great deal and grew tremendously in the time he spent with me (some just from maturity, but some from my tough-love attitude I hope).
I couldn't unwind 20 years of coddling in 1 year and realized that he had to keep being pushed to take on more responsibility. He was stagnating after 10 months with me, so I cut it off at 1 year. He doesn't learn by hearing about things -- he'll have to experience living on his own or in a group house with others his age. And then he will learn. He will grow. And I hope he will be successful (for his definition, not anyone else's). But most of all, I hope he looks back fondly at our time together. It was a great experience for me and made me open my mind to a lot of generational things. And LOTS of great stories too!
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Following while snickering (but not at Bluehouse's nephew)
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BlueHouse, I'm sorry your nephew is failing to learn a darn thing and grow up. You are a more patient aunt than I would be.
He did. He learned quite a lot, but not quite everything I had hoped for. He spent twenty years never having to earn anything and never working hard for anything. In reality, he's kind, sweet, and gentle. And also as self-centered as you would expect from having grown up in the circumstances he did. He learned a great deal and grew tremendously in the time he spent with me (some just from maturity, but some from my tough-love attitude I hope).
I couldn't unwind 20 years of coddling in 1 year and realized that he had to keep being pushed to take on more responsibility. He was stagnating after 10 months with me, so I cut it off at 1 year. He doesn't learn by hearing about things -- he'll have to experience living on his own or in a group house with others his age. And then he will learn. He will grow. And I hope he will be successful (for his definition, not anyone else's). But most of all, I hope he looks back fondly at our time together. It was a great experience for me and made me open my mind to a lot of generational things. And LOTS of great stories too!
Yeah, my roommate was coddled all her life. The first year we lived together, she grew immensely, but ever since has stayed status quo. We're into year 3 now. I'll be moving next year, so she'll be forced to enter the real world unless she wants to move back home, and she's got enough of a spine now that she really doesn't want to do that!
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BlueHouse's post reminded me of an Ask Bossy column from a few years ago.
Excused the archived version of the page.
http://blogs.news.com.au/bossy/index.php/news/comments/my_landlord_is_a_relative_shouldnt_they_let_me_rent_reall_cheap/
The poorly-punctuated and bordering-on-gibberish highlights:
I’m renting from a relative. Why won’t they help me more?
I’m a girl in her very early 20’s, I’m currently working a low paying full time job (soon to quit) to start study full time.
I live with my boyfriend whom also earns very little, in a rental house which is owned by a very important family member of mine.
Every week is a struggle for us after we have paid rent, fuel, bills we rarely have enough money to get ourself food for the week. My boyfriend constantly helps out and we always share our money...
This house is completely/very close to being paid off so basically any money that is being paid (other than real estate fee’s etc) is profit for this family member (may I mention, Very Greedy and money hungry)...
1: The I don’t have and the lack of feeling and emotions they have for me and my situation and their Greed.Not caring how I cannot live because of the money they take from me...
I realise this rental is extra money for this person...
How am I ever going to move on in life and own my own home, if I have to pay all this money to them! I believe this person should be helping me take those steps to having my own home!!!!...
Moving out is really not an option at this moment in time due to lease and my working/study conditions. I also have 3 cats whom I love dearly and cannot see anyone letting me live in their rental with them.
Ripped Off Renter.
Bossy nails it in her reply.
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BlueHouse's post reminded me of an Ask Bossy column from a few years ago.
Excused the archived version of the page.
http://blogs.news.com.au/bossy/index.php/news/comments/my_landlord_is_a_relative_shouldnt_they_let_me_rent_reall_cheap/
The poorly-punctuated and bordering-on-gibberish highlights:
I’m renting from a relative. Why won’t they help me more?
I’m a girl in her very early 20’s, I’m currently working a low paying full time job (soon to quit) to start study full time.
I live with my boyfriend whom also earns very little, in a rental house which is owned by a very important family member of mine.
Every week is a struggle for us after we have paid rent, fuel, bills we rarely have enough money to get ourself food for the week. My boyfriend constantly helps out and we always share our money...
This house is completely/very close to being paid off so basically any money that is being paid (other than real estate fee’s etc) is profit for this family member (may I mention, Very Greedy and money hungry)...
1: The I don’t have and the lack of feeling and emotions they have for me and my situation and their Greed.Not caring how I cannot live because of the money they take from me...
I realise this rental is extra money for this person...
How am I ever going to move on in life and own my own home, if I have to pay all this money to them! I believe this person should be helping me take those steps to having my own home!!!!...
Moving out is really not an option at this moment in time due to lease and my working/study conditions. I also have 3 cats whom I love dearly and cannot see anyone letting me live in their rental with them.
Ripped Off Renter.
Bossy nails it in her reply.
OH yeah, great clip!
Although very frustrating to deal with, I think many young people have that same mindset about other people's extra money. Unless you're raised understanding budgets and the need to save for the future, then it seems that would be the default thinking.
It is appalling when in the middle of it, but really, how else would they think if they never were taught? I still feel horrible about getting a new hockey stick because I wanted to fit in wi he others rather than use one of the perfectly fine ones that the school loaned out each year. That was 35 years ago! I knew we couldn't afford much, but for some reason, I thought that stupid stick was worth more than whatever else it was meant to cover. That would have been a great opportunity to learn more about budgets, but my mom just wanted to be able to say yes to something that I wanted and I didn't ask very often.
My nephew never seemed to understand what saving was for other than for the next pair of sunglasses or a new car until I explained that I expected to have to pay someone to wipe my ass when I'm 90, and I'm saving money now while I'm working so at I will have it later when I need it. I told him the alternative was that he could wipe my ass for free because he is family. I think he understands a little better but I always had to put that mental image in his mind whenever he started to feel entitled again.
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*snip*
My nephew never seemed to understand what saving was for other than for the next pair of sunglasses or a new car until I explained that I expected to have to pay someone to wipe my ass when I'm 90, and I'm saving money now while I'm working so at I will have it later when I need it. I told him the alternative was that he could wipe my ass for free because he is family. I think he understands a little better but I always had to put that mental image in his mind whenever he started to feel entitled again.
That is a good explanation. I've sometimes thought that the only way to get the moochers to stop complaining as much would be to talk to another landlord and trade mooching relatives. "I'll rent to your nephew if you rent to my niece, and then neither of them will be able to complain that they should be able to pay us pennies because we're family."
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Here's one:
I had been staying with my aunt for one year while I was trying to figure out what to do with my life. It wasn't the easiest start, but I eventually found a job that I liked and after that, things got a lot better. The problem is that after 6 months of living there, my aunt decided to start charging me rent! I took some time off from my job to visit friends for a few weeks, and she told me when I came back, I'd have to start paying $300/month. It's not like I get a whole house to myself either -- I have one room with a queen size bed and a bathroom. I also use the top floor of the house, which includes a big TV, couches, and an outdoor roof deck. My aunt does go up there occasionally, so it's not like it's "my" space, even though she knocks first before coming up the stairs.
I sort of feel like she's taking advantage of me because when I first got here, she made dinner for me every night and even put individual servings in microwavable dishes that we would both eat (she would take them to lunch if I hadn't already eaten them) and she doesn't do that very much anymore. I've been paying for all of my own food for the past few months and packing my own lunches and making my own sandwiches for dinner. About once a week she'll buy some bulk foods for me, but I don't really like to cook anything that takes more effort than opening a can or a bag, so while I eat the Clam Chowder soups, I don't have much interest in cooking rice and beans. I also pay my own way for Metro to get to and from work. It's not cheap! and sometimes I go out drinking after work and I because Metro has already closed, I have to pay to take Uber to get home. She just doesn't realize how much it costs to work!
So ever since she imposed this $300/month rent, I had to find a way to increase my hours, because the store originally only gave me about 20 hours of work each week. So now I have to work 35-37 hours every week. I don't mind though, because I get lots of great perks at work.
She constantly (at least one time per week) tells me to wipe the counter down after I make toast. And when I spilled my Starbucks all over her front door, I had to clean it two different times because she didn't think I wiped up all the coffee -- I honestly didn't notice that it got all over the walls and the door - (my bad!). You can't really blame those ants on me. They probably would have come in whether I spilled the coffee or not.
Anyway, I asked my aunt if she would let me out of paying the final month's rent because I was going back home, seeing some buddies, and I wanted to take them around and treat them to some cool things. I can't believe it, but she said no! What a cheapass - it's not like she needs the money, she's rich and has an awesome house all to herself. She makes so much more money than I do, why wouldn't she just forgive the last month rent? I asked why not, and she tried to deflect it by asking why I didn't just ask my dad for the cash once I move back home? Clearly, that's not the same at all, but she didn't see it that way. I mean seriously, I'm giving her my hard-earned cash and just asking for relief for just one month. It's not like I want to waste the money either. I want to treat my friends and pay for the things that we do together while they are visiting me in my parents' house.
Signed, Bluehouse's nephew
The nephew didn't actually write this, correct?
Great(sad) story either way.
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Got one from a slightly different context.
Original letter to Dan Savage, which I thought smelled fishy:
http://www.thestranger.com/slog/2016/07/27/24402514/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-non-disclosure-agreement
Follow-up today with the background details. And WOW.
http://www.thestranger.com/slog/2016/08/08/24442158/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-the-rest-of-the-story
Fair warning, these aren't going to be published in the Washington Post anytime soon. The advice columnist is Dan Savage, the guy who created Rick Santorum's google problem.
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The nephew didn't actually write this, correct?
Great(sad) story either way.
No, that's my interpretation of what he was thinking. He did make most of those comments (usually to his father, who told me) at one point or another, but my point in penning that letter was to try to imagine the other person's perspective. I mean, he really did think that I was "taking" the majority of his money and at one point when I dug deeper, I had to point out that he got paid TWICE per month and I only charge rent ONCE per month. So in "taking" almost half, it was really less than a quarter of his pay.
Now please take into account that my nephew has some real learning disabilities (particularly with math), so it was a challenge for me to find the right balance of teaching him something that he would retain without turning him off to the lesson he was learning. But make no mistake, this is someone who can live independently and isn't mentally disabled.
I should also admit that only after I had had my nephew for a few months did I go back to my sister (not nephew's mother) and thank her profusely for the time I stayed with her when I was moving to the area. I thought everything was going swimmingly well until I noticed that her husband was a little too enthusiastic about helping me look for apartments. So 10 years after that was when I realized that even if I'm the perfect guest, I'm still in someone else's house and it's a burden no matter what. :)
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Merula, that second letter was just so sad. That poor woman.
BlueHouse, have you gotten nephew on YNAB? It sounds like he would be the ideal candidate, as it would help him with picturing where his money needs to go and getting past that math issue.
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Following and laughing
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posting to follow
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That Ask a Manager link is quite a rabbit hole when you start clicking the related articles!
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And now I present to you...
Two Tales of a Wedding from Etiquette Hell and sister site Hell's Bells (http://weddinghellsbells.com/?p=5814)
Honestly, this sounds like a good outcome. The two people who were dating found out that they weren't right for each other early, before becoming too deeply entangled. Everyone else has a story to tell.
Whats not to like?
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Oh, I am so bummed that I have an appointment this morning! I'll be back later...
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Oh man... I have so many great stories of a family member that is so dug into fantasy land, that she probably thinks she poops rainbows. And yet I can't really discuss it out on the interwebz because of unresolved stuff and it would really make things much harder on me if discovered.
Sigh. All that beautiful crazy rainbow poop just piled up there, waiting.
Maybe someday soon?
In any case, posting to follow. :)
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And now I present to you...
Two Tales of a Wedding from Etiquette Hell and sister site Hell's Bells (http://weddinghellsbells.com/?p=5814)
Honestly, this sounds like a good outcome. The two people who were dating found out that they weren't right for each other early, before becoming too deeply entangled. Everyone else has a story to tell.
Whats not to like?
It's not great that it had to happen during someone's wedding, but I agree that it's better they both found out early on!
Oh man... I have so many great stories of a family member that is so dug into fantasy land, that she probably thinks she poops rainbows. And yet I can't really discuss it out on the interwebz because of unresolved stuff and it would really make things much harder on me if discovered.
Sigh. All that beautiful crazy rainbow poop just piled up there, waiting.
Maybe someday soon?
In any case, posting to follow. :)
Well, we can always wait and hope!
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Oh man... I have so many great stories of a family member that is so dug into fantasy land, that she probably thinks she poops rainbows. And yet I can't really discuss it out on the interwebz because of unresolved stuff and it would really make things much harder on me if discovered.
Sigh. All that beautiful crazy rainbow poop just piled up there, waiting.
Maybe someday soon?
In any case, posting to follow. :)
I eagerly await your multicolored feces.
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This one is a classic http://amydickinson.com/post/85115023030/sisterly-exclusion-makes-one-sis-a-horrible-person (http://amydickinson.com/post/85115023030/sisterly-exclusion-makes-one-sis-a-horrible-person)
Great thread!
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This one is a classic http://amydickinson.com/post/85115023030/sisterly-exclusion-makes-one-sis-a-horrible-person (http://amydickinson.com/post/85115023030/sisterly-exclusion-makes-one-sis-a-horrible-person)
Great thread!
Ooh, ouch. Good one!
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BlueHouse, have you gotten nephew on YNAB? It sounds like he would be the ideal candidate, as it would help him with picturing where his money needs to go and getting past that math issue.
No. He just wasn't receptive to learning in his last few months here, and I didn't want his last month's to be something he remembered as awful. So now I understand a little Better why parents have a hard time saying no.
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This is the greatest thread ever!! I have to admit I had a post on MMM quite a while ago around when I first started about saying some smart ass thing to a co-worker. The Mustachians jumped on me for acting like a douche and I realized I was being the problem. I am too lazy to look back to find it now, but being called out has its benefits from time to time. :)
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Totally following this!
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Here's one from Dear Prudence today. There are multiple letters in the column - so I've excerpted the clueless OP:
Dear Prudence,
A year-and-a-half ago, my only living son killed himself. His estranged wife had called me to say he was threatening to hurt himself and that I should check on him. I found the body. My only source of light since then is my little grandson. My relationship with his mother is difficult at best: She was the one who wanted the divorce and didn’t want to try and save my son. Now she is getting married again. This stranger will be the one who raises my grandson, gets called Daddy, and might even adopt him. There is nothing I can do legally, and I choke back my words every time I see her when she picks up my grandson from me. Can you think of anything to say that will convince her to stop this?
—Lost Son and Now Grandson
I’m so sorry for everyone involved in this situation, and I’m so sorry that you lost your son. I cannot imagine that kind of pain, and I hope you are in grief counseling to deal with the infinitely complicated and painful fallout from the death of your child. I also hope that you can work out these fears in counseling, because you should not try to stop your former daughter-in-law from remarrying, and she does not deserve to be made to feel guilty for moving on. You say she didn’t “try and save my son,” but you cannot put the burden of his death on her. His suicide cannot be, could never be, her responsibility. The fact that your grandson may grow up with a father who loves him is not a tragedy, but a good thing, and this man is not “a stranger”—he is a stranger to you, but not to the mother of your grandson, and not to her little boy. Please try to find a way to express your pain and sense of loss that does not come at the expense of the woman raising your grandson. Focus on the time you do spend with him, and not on his mother when she comes to pick him up. Read to him, tell him you love him, play with him, take him to the park—let him look forward to the time you spend together, and don’t tarnish it for him by focusing on your resentment of his mother. You will all be better for it, and it will vastly improve your relationship with your grandson and his parents for the rest of your lives.
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Posting to follow.
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This one's a real head-scratcher, too. How can the manager not see what an asshole they are being?
http://www.askamanager.org/2016/07/my-best-employee-quit-on-the-spot-because-i-wouldnt-let-her-go-to-her-college-graduation.html
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I am cheering for the graduate, classic epic FU. Here is hoping she builds the stache to go with the FU and has a very bright future. That manager is a total dick and freaking clueless.
Of course they want to double down and contact the employee to explain why they were right to deny the time off and why the graduate was wrong because, well, dick.
How do people like that get to be in charge of anything? That could be a whole other thread.
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This one's a real head-scratcher, too. How can the manager not see what an asshole they are being?
http://www.askamanager.org/2016/07/my-best-employee-quit-on-the-spot-because-i-wouldnt-let-her-go-to-her-college-graduation.html
Read this on out loud to the bf, we are both shaking our heads with "wtf...?"
Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk
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Either half of the stuff submitted to "ask a manager" is fabricated trolling, or my already low opinion of humanity will need to be adjusted even farther downward.
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Following :)
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Either half of the stuff submitted to "ask a manager" is fabricated trolling, or my already low opinion of humanity will need to be adjusted even farther downward.
Nah, the vast majority of stuff to Ask A Manager is about totally relatable workplace scenarios. I love reading it mostly because Alison Green gives such excellent advice on the topics and the comments are usually really good, too.
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"But, ya know, the other person paid money for concert tickets." (Paraphrased heavily.)
And college is free? Even if she had scholarships covering the entire amount, she still put thousands of hours of work toward that degree WHILE being your best employee for SIX YEARS and covering for everyone else. Wow. She didn't even ask for the entire day! Just two hours! I didn't want to attend college graduation, but I can certainly see why someone else would!
Also, I want to know what tech support center has such employee longevity that six years had her at the bottom of the seniority list. I thought those places tended to have a higher turnover.
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"But, ya know, the other person paid money for concert tickets." (Paraphrased heavily.)
And college is free? Even if she had scholarships covering the entire amount, she still put thousands of hours of work toward that degree WHILE being your best employee for SIX YEARS and covering for everyone else. Wow. She didn't even ask for the entire day! Just two hours! I didn't want to attend college graduation, but I can certainly see why someone else would!
Also, I want to know what tech support center has such employee longevity that six years had her at the bottom of the seniority list. I thought those places tended to have a higher turnover.
This seems like the manager has a pattern of treating employees badly. The employee was ready with examples of hypocrisy.
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Also, I want to know what tech support center has such employee longevity that six years had her at the bottom of the seniority list. I thought those places tended to have a higher turnover.
She probably got passed over for promotions due to her lack of college degree.
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This one is a classic http://amydickinson.com/post/85115023030/sisterly-exclusion-makes-one-sis-a-horrible-person (http://amydickinson.com/post/85115023030/sisterly-exclusion-makes-one-sis-a-horrible-person)
Great thread!
I kind of disagree with this one. If you don't get along with someone and don't have anything in common with them, why on earth should you feel obligated to VACATION WITH THEM??? I sure as hell wouldn't. You have no obligation to maintain relationships with people you don't like.
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https://m.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/4xu0yy/my_girlfriend_elaborately_made_me_homeless
I want to send that woman flowers.
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I love this thread.
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https://m.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/4xu0yy/my_girlfriend_elaborately_made_me_homeless
I want to send that woman flowers.
Many many flowers. She hoped he would be better but made sure she was OK if he wasn't.
I won't use words here to describe the OP, they would be very bad. The commenters on that thread have already used the semi-polite ones.
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I love this thread.
+1
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https://m.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/4xu0yy/my_girlfriend_elaborately_made_me_homeless
I want to send that woman flowers.
I want to send her a medal.
Real title for the Reddit: "My ex elaborately made herself safe."
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This one is a classic http://amydickinson.com/post/85115023030/sisterly-exclusion-makes-one-sis-a-horrible-person (http://amydickinson.com/post/85115023030/sisterly-exclusion-makes-one-sis-a-horrible-person)
Great thread!
I kind of disagree with this one. If you don't get along with someone and don't have anything in common with them, why on earth should you feel obligated to VACATION WITH THEM??? I sure as hell wouldn't. You have no obligation to maintain relationships with people you don't like.
But the response wasn't "Go invite your sister." It was more like: Fine you don't get along, but you don't have to be a jerk about it.
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This one is a classic http://amydickinson.com/post/85115023030/sisterly-exclusion-makes-one-sis-a-horrible-person (http://amydickinson.com/post/85115023030/sisterly-exclusion-makes-one-sis-a-horrible-person)
Great thread!
I kind of disagree with this one. If you don't get along with someone and don't have anything in common with them, why on earth should you feel obligated to VACATION WITH THEM??? I sure as hell wouldn't. You have no obligation to maintain relationships with people you don't like.
But the response wasn't "Go invite your sister." It was more like: Fine you don't get along, but you don't have to be a jerk about it.
Well, the response and following comments were definitely "You're a horrible person", when I think that the reality is, this type of situation (lives have gone in different directions, and people now have different interests and lifestyles) is probably THE most common reason for friendships ending. It would have been nice to see some actual advice relating to the question, which was how to go about suggesting to the odd one out that the group isn't the best fit for them and they should try to find friends/groups with similar interests and lifestyles.
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This one is a classic http://amydickinson.com/post/85115023030/sisterly-exclusion-makes-one-sis-a-horrible-person (http://amydickinson.com/post/85115023030/sisterly-exclusion-makes-one-sis-a-horrible-person)
Great thread!
I kind of disagree with this one. If you don't get along with someone and don't have anything in common with them, why on earth should you feel obligated to VACATION WITH THEM??? I sure as hell wouldn't. You have no obligation to maintain relationships with people you don't like.
But the response wasn't "Go invite your sister." It was more like: Fine you don't get along, but you don't have to be a jerk about it.
Well, the response and following comments were definitely "You're a horrible person", when I think that the reality is, this type of situation (lives have gone in different directions, and people now have different interests and lifestyles) is probably THE most common reason for friendships ending. It would have been nice to see some actual advice relating to the question, which was how to go about suggesting to the odd one out that the group isn't the best fit for them and they should try to find friends/groups with similar interests and lifestyles.
The woman that wrote in had already told her sister that she didn't fit in and the sister now hardly speaks to her...so mission accomplished. Other than asking for justification in how she handled the situation, I can't fathom why she thinks she needs more information on how best to exclude her sister. I mean, when her sister (sister, not friend) was understandably upset about the situation, the husband threatened to call the cops. If I were to show up at a family member's home in tears, I would hope that they would have the decency to not kick me out with such contempt.
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https://m.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/4xu0yy/my_girlfriend_elaborately_made_me_homeless
I want to send that woman flowers.
I want to send her a medal.
Real title for the Reddit: "My ex elaborately made herself safe."
I logged on this morning JUST to post this link to this thread. I can't even with this guy. It seems like no matter how she broke up with him, he would have felt like the victim. 45 days notice to get a new apartment is an EXTREMELY accommodating way to break up with somebody even if it's amicable. Does he think he was supposed to let him know she was leaving him and then just let him take his own sweet time moving out? Since he can't afford an apartment by himself, is she just obligated to stay with him/pay his rent forever so he doesn't have to get a damn roommate? She'd probably "provoke" him into hitting her again since she's being so unreasonably "jumpy" and "paranoid" around a dude that physically assaulted her and now scares her enough that she feels the need to call the police. /sarcasm
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My nephew never seemed to understand what saving was for other than for the next pair of sunglasses or a new car until I explained that I expected to have to pay someone to wipe my ass when I'm 90, and I'm saving money now while I'm working so at I will have it later when I need it. I told him the alternative was that he could wipe my ass for free because he is family. I think he understands a little better but I always had to put that mental image in his mind whenever he started to feel entitled again.
Well-put, BlueHouse.
I suspect that the majority of my peers have nowhere near the amount of retirement income I've saved up, and on a relatively modest salary to boot. Odds are it's just going to be me (no kids, no siblings, spouse is also an only child) to support myself/us in old age. I'm going to think of your post the next time one of my spendthrift friends hints that I should pick up the bar tab or spring for an extravagant gift.
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Wow, good job on the part of careful ex-girlfriend! She gave him far better than he deserved.
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I kind of disagree with this one. If you don't get along with someone and don't have anything in common with them, why on earth should you feel obligated to VACATION WITH THEM??? I sure as hell wouldn't. You have no obligation to maintain relationships with people you don't like.
If this about friends, I'd agree, but family's different. You don't invite most of the family and then pointedly exclude one person (at least if that person is just a little different as opposed to actually unkind or something). No, there's no obligation to maintain a relationship, but deliberately excluding her from the group is different.
Though why the sister would want to go on vacation with someone who says stuff like: "She also complains about her ex-husband who left her for another woman, but everyone knows it takes “two to tango” and she is not without fault" is beyond me. And then she talks about how they're all "churchgoers". You can't make this stuff up.
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I kind of disagree with this one. If you don't get along with someone and don't have anything in common with them, why on earth should you feel obligated to VACATION WITH THEM??? I sure as hell wouldn't. You have no obligation to maintain relationships with people you don't like.
If this about friends, I'd agree, but family's different. You don't invite most of the family and then pointedly exclude one person (at least if that person is just a little different as opposed to actually unkind or something). No, there's no obligation to maintain a relationship, but deliberately excluding her from the group is different.
Though why the sister would want to go on vacation with someone who says stuff like: "She also complains about her ex-husband who left her for another woman, but everyone knows it takes “two to tango” and she is not without fault" is beyond me. And then she talks about how they're all "churchgoers". You can't make this stuff up.
I came to say this but rosaz already said it for me!
Certainly, there is also a threshold for pushing family out of your life, but I would argue it's very different than for friends. And while it's possible Wendy is a b*tch and that's why no one wants to hang out with her, it just didn't read that way to me. The OP sounded really snooty and judgemental in how she was approaching her sister.
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The whole thing sounded like they weren't communicating at ALL. Why not get together, break out some wine and TALK about all the rough edges in their relationship so they could reset the clock and build a friendship.
The whole thing just sounded like silent judgement and contempt which I was always taught was not very Christian - though in reality it was very common in Christians I've met over the years.
I've witnessed the silent treatment before and it SUCKS. There is clearly a problem and you have no idea what it is or how to deal with it. The situation I witnessed was by Christians (x3) on someone else. Terrible way to treat "friends".
Got an unhappy family member that you can't spend much time with? Talk it out. Make it clear that the whole cheating husband sucks but it's history and time to move on if a healthy relationship is desired.
And I say this as a person with plenty of imperfections in his own life.
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From Dear Prudence this week (excerpt):
Why should I?: My on again/off again boyfriend of 15 years wants me to leave my husband and be with him. But he refuses to divorce his wife even though they are $50,000 in debt because of her. He refuses to help her until she helps herself. Now he’s allowing his children to make the same spending mistakes by letting his oldest go into debt for college out of state instead of making a better financial decision with an in-state college. I told him why should I leave my husband who provides for me and isn’t in debt for a person who complains about his wife all the time but never does anything about it?
A: This letter provides an exciting challenge, because I don’t believe I have an ounce of sympathy for either of you, and I’m finding it particularly difficult to wish for good things for your future. Such opportunities come rarely! It sounds like you do not wish to leave your husband for a financially insecure married man, and I suppose you have your answer there. I can’t imagine what sort of life you three would have together, if you left your partner but he stayed with his. As a longtime mistress, you have very little say in where your boyfriend’s children go to school, no matter how sound your reasoning. Something tells me they would not appreciate your financial advice. Stick with the bed you’ve made for yourself.
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From Dear Prudence this week (excerpt):
Why should I?: My on again/off again boyfriend of 15 years wants me to leave my husband and be with him. But he refuses to divorce his wife even though they are $50,000 in debt because of her. He refuses to help her until she helps herself. Now he’s allowing his children to make the same spending mistakes by letting his oldest go into debt for college out of state instead of making a better financial decision with an in-state college. I told him why should I leave my husband who provides for me and isn’t in debt for a person who complains about his wife all the time but never does anything about it?
A: This letter provides an exciting challenge, because I don’t believe I have an ounce of sympathy for either of you, and I’m finding it particularly difficult to wish for good things for your future. Such opportunities come rarely! It sounds like you do not wish to leave your husband for a financially insecure married man, and I suppose you have your answer there. I can’t imagine what sort of life you three would have together, if you left your partner but he stayed with his. As a longtime mistress, you have very little say in where your boyfriend’s children go to school, no matter how sound your reasoning. Something tells me they would not appreciate your financial advice. Stick with the bed you’ve made for yourself.
Wow. This has got to be a joke, right? I don't even know what to type...
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From Dear Prudence this week (excerpt):
Why should I?: My on again/off again boyfriend of 15 years wants me to leave my husband and be with him. But he refuses to divorce his wife even though they are $50,000 in debt because of her. He refuses to help her until she helps herself. Now he’s allowing his children to make the same spending mistakes by letting his oldest go into debt for college out of state instead of making a better financial decision with an in-state college. I told him why should I leave my husband who provides for me and isn’t in debt for a person who complains about his wife all the time but never does anything about it?
A: This letter provides an exciting challenge, because I don’t believe I have an ounce of sympathy for either of you, and I’m finding it particularly difficult to wish for good things for your future. Such opportunities come rarely! It sounds like you do not wish to leave your husband for a financially insecure married man, and I suppose you have your answer there. I can’t imagine what sort of life you three would have together, if you left your partner but he stayed with his. As a longtime mistress, you have very little say in where your boyfriend’s children go to school, no matter how sound your reasoning. Something tells me they would not appreciate your financial advice. Stick with the bed you’ve made for yourself.
Wow. This has got to be a joke, right? I don't even know what to type...
In situations like this, I often fantasize that the two cuckolded partners figured out what was happening, found common ground together, and became a couple.
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https://m.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/4xu0yy/my_girlfriend_elaborately_made_me_homeless
I want to send that woman flowers.
I read the thread and it seems like this girl made a super smart exit and even gave her ex generous time to clear out. What I don't understand is the lawyer telling the guy he could be liable for damage. If he's not on the lease, and there's no sub-lease paperwork, then how could he be held liable in any way? The landlord didn't even know he existed, so wouldn't all damages be on the girlfriend? As a 'guest' of the renter (gf), is there really any requirement for him to go through a walkthrough before he leaves?
It seems like his smart move would be to vacate ASAP, leave the keys in the apt, and call the lawyer to let him know that he's gone and where the keys are. He doesn't need to leave a forwarding address with the lawyer, and he could even block the lawyer's number. Legally he's just a dude that was staying for free in someone's house with their permission.
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What I don't understand is the lawyer telling the guy he could be liable for damage. If he's not on the lease, and there's no sub-lease paperwork, then how could he be held liable in any way?
I would guess that since he was paying rent to her, that created an implicit sublease. State rental laws can be weird like that, especially when there isn't an explicit contract.
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From Dear Prudence this week (excerpt):
Why should I?: My on again/off again boyfriend of 15 years wants me to leave my husband and be with him. But he refuses to divorce his wife even though they are $50,000 in debt because of her. He refuses to help her until she helps herself. Now he’s allowing his children to make the same spending mistakes by letting his oldest go into debt for college out of state instead of making a better financial decision with an in-state college. I told him why should I leave my husband who provides for me and isn’t in debt for a person who complains about his wife all the time but never does anything about it?
A: This letter provides an exciting challenge, because I don’t believe I have an ounce of sympathy for either of you, and I’m finding it particularly difficult to wish for good things for your future. Such opportunities come rarely! It sounds like you do not wish to leave your husband for a financially insecure married man, and I suppose you have your answer there. I can’t imagine what sort of life you three would have together, if you left your partner but he stayed with his. As a longtime mistress, you have very little say in where your boyfriend’s children go to school, no matter how sound your reasoning. Something tells me they would not appreciate your financial advice. Stick with the bed you’ve made for yourself.
Wow. This has got to be a joke, right? I don't even know what to type...
In situations like this, I often fantasize that the two cuckolded partners figured out what was happening, found common ground together, and became a couple.
I stopped reading Prudie when Margo Howard left, but from what was posted there's a very real possibility that this is above-board for both of them, either through a polygamous relationship or ethical non-monogamy through some sort of spousal agreement.
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From Dear Prudence this week (excerpt):
Why should I?: My on again/off again boyfriend of 15 years wants me to leave my husband and be with him. But he refuses to divorce his wife even though they are $50,000 in debt because of her. He refuses to help her until she helps herself. Now he’s allowing his children to make the same spending mistakes by letting his oldest go into debt for college out of state instead of making a better financial decision with an in-state college. I told him why should I leave my husband who provides for me and isn’t in debt for a person who complains about his wife all the time but never does anything about it?
A: This letter provides an exciting challenge, because I don’t believe I have an ounce of sympathy for either of you, and I’m finding it particularly difficult to wish for good things for your future. Such opportunities come rarely! It sounds like you do not wish to leave your husband for a financially insecure married man, and I suppose you have your answer there. I can’t imagine what sort of life you three would have together, if you left your partner but he stayed with his. As a longtime mistress, you have very little say in where your boyfriend’s children go to school, no matter how sound your reasoning. Something tells me they would not appreciate your financial advice. Stick with the bed you’ve made for yourself.
Wow. This has got to be a joke, right? I don't even know what to type...
In situations like this, I often fantasize that the two cuckolded partners figured out what was happening, found common ground together, and became a couple.
I stopped reading Prudie when Margo Howard left, but from what was posted there's a very real possibility that this is above-board for both of them, either through a polygamous relationship or ethical non-monogamy through some sort of spousal agreement.
I would agree...except that they are talking about getting divorced from their respective spouses to be together. It has seemed in the past that those who are in open or poly relationships tend to specify that when writing these letters.
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I stopped reading Prudie when Margo Howard left, but from what was posted there's a very real possibility that this is above-board for both of them, either through a polygamous relationship or ethical non-monogamy through some sort of spousal agreement.
I would agree...except that they are talking about getting divorced from their respective spouses to be together. It has seemed in the past that those who are in open or poly relationships tend to specify that when writing these letters.
He's talking about it, at least. Could be something as simple as starting with "Bruno, I want to date you under the terms of my monogamish marriage, but you need to understand that Atticus will always be my first priority." "That's fine, Celia, it's the same with me and Darlene." and evolving into "Celia, you're so much more mustachian than Darlene, I want to be with you, will you leave Atticus?"
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Posting to follow!!!
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https://m.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/4xu0yy/my_girlfriend_elaborately_made_me_homeless
I want to send that woman flowers.
I read the thread and it seems like this girl made a super smart exit and even gave her ex generous time to clear out. What I don't understand is the lawyer telling the guy he could be liable for damage. If he's not on the lease, and there's no sub-lease paperwork, then how could he be held liable in any way? The landlord didn't even know he existed, so wouldn't all damages be on the girlfriend? As a 'guest' of the renter (gf), is there really any requirement for him to go through a walkthrough before he leaves?
It seems like his smart move would be to vacate ASAP, leave the keys in the apt, and call the lawyer to let him know that he's gone and where the keys are. He doesn't need to leave a forwarding address with the lawyer, and he could even block the lawyer's number. Legally he's just a dude that was staying for free in someone's house with their permission.
I would tend to think that anything a lawyer says in that situation is probably legal/correct. If he misrepresents the boyfriend's liability, then the lawyer is risking legal trouble himself.
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https://m.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/4xu0yy/my_girlfriend_elaborately_made_me_homeless
I want to send that woman flowers.
I read the thread and it seems like this girl made a super smart exit and even gave her ex generous time to clear out. What I don't understand is the lawyer telling the guy he could be liable for damage. If he's not on the lease, and there's no sub-lease paperwork, then how could he be held liable in any way? The landlord didn't even know he existed, so wouldn't all damages be on the girlfriend? As a 'guest' of the renter (gf), is there really any requirement for him to go through a walkthrough before he leaves?
It seems like his smart move would be to vacate ASAP, leave the keys in the apt, and call the lawyer to let him know that he's gone and where the keys are. He doesn't need to leave a forwarding address with the lawyer, and he could even block the lawyer's number. Legally he's just a dude that was staying for free in someone's house with their permission.
I would tend to think that anything a lawyer says in that situation is probably legal/correct. If he misrepresents the boyfriend's liability, then the lawyer is risking legal trouble himself.
You don't need to be a formal leaseholder to be liable for damaging somebody else's property (although I agree that an implied sublease can be created without signing anything in most states). If a guest or airbnb tenant or whoever trashed your apartment, you could take that person to small claims court for what it costs to fix it. The benefit with a lease is that you have an agreement in writing about what that means, and a deposit you can keep instead of bothering to go to court. It's pretty simple advice to say "if you trash an apartment, you might have to pay for it."
And, lawyers commenting on the internet can pretty easily disclaim liability, and r/legaladvice has a permanent disclaimer in the sidebar. Speaking of which, IamalawyerbutnotYOURlawyerthisdoesnotconstitutelegaladvicegetrepresentationbeforeyoutakeaction.
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And, lawyers commenting on the internet can pretty easily disclaim liability, and r/legaladvice has a permanent disclaimer in the sidebar. Speaking of which, IamalawyerbutnotYOURlawyerthisdoesnotconstitutelegaladvicegetrepresentationbeforeyoutakeaction.
I meant the lawyer representing the girlfriend in the matter. Pretty sure he can't disclaim liability in his communications with the boyfriend.
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From Dear Prudence this week (excerpt):
Why should I?: My on again/off again boyfriend of 15 years wants me to leave my husband and be with him. But he refuses to divorce his wife even though they are $50,000 in debt because of her. He refuses to help her until she helps herself. Now he’s allowing his children to make the same spending mistakes by letting his oldest go into debt for college out of state instead of making a better financial decision with an in-state college. I told him why should I leave my husband who provides for me and isn’t in debt for a person who complains about his wife all the time but never does anything about it?
A: This letter provides an exciting challenge, because I don’t believe I have an ounce of sympathy for either of you, and I’m finding it particularly difficult to wish for good things for your future. Such opportunities come rarely! It sounds like you do not wish to leave your husband for a financially insecure married man, and I suppose you have your answer there. I can’t imagine what sort of life you three would have together, if you left your partner but he stayed with his. As a longtime mistress, you have very little say in where your boyfriend’s children go to school, no matter how sound your reasoning. Something tells me they would not appreciate your financial advice. Stick with the bed you’ve made for yourself.
Wow. This has got to be a joke, right? I don't even know what to type...
In situations like this, I often fantasize that the two cuckolded partners figured out what was happening, found common ground together, and became a couple.
This actually happen to two acquaintances of mine. Small town high-school sweetheart couples x 2. Husband 1 was screwing wife 2, wife 1 and husband 2 found out, left their respective then-spouses, got together for tea and sympathy and the rest is history. 22 years later they're still the cutest couple in the world.
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posting to follow.
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Legally he's just a dude that was staying for free in someone's house with their permission.
He was a house guest legally and better get gone while the getting is good.
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From Dear Prudence this week (excerpt):
Why should I?: My on again/off again boyfriend of 15 years wants me to leave my husband and be with him. But he refuses to divorce his wife even though they are $50,000 in debt because of her. He refuses to help her until she helps herself. Now he’s allowing his children to make the same spending mistakes by letting his oldest go into debt for college out of state instead of making a better financial decision with an in-state college. I told him why should I leave my husband who provides for me and isn’t in debt for a person who complains about his wife all the time but never does anything about it?
A: This letter provides an exciting challenge, because I don’t believe I have an ounce of sympathy for either of you, and I’m finding it particularly difficult to wish for good things for your future. Such opportunities come rarely! It sounds like you do not wish to leave your husband for a financially insecure married man, and I suppose you have your answer there. I can’t imagine what sort of life you three would have together, if you left your partner but he stayed with his. As a longtime mistress, you have very little say in where your boyfriend’s children go to school, no matter how sound your reasoning. Something tells me they would not appreciate your financial advice. Stick with the bed you’ve made for yourself.
Wow. This has got to be a joke, right? I don't even know what to type...
In situations like this, I often fantasize that the two cuckolded partners figured out what was happening, found common ground together, and became a couple.
This actually happen to two acquaintances of mine. Small town high-school sweetheart couples x 2. Husband 1 was screwing wife 2, wife 1 and husband 2 found out, left their respective then-spouses, got together for tea and sympathy and the rest is history. 22 years later they're still the cutest couple in the world.
Love! I immediately thought of Shania Twain as well.
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Another EHell story!
That Horrid Moment When You Realize A Tree Is Vastly More Interesting (http://www.etiquettehell.com/?p=4901)
A few commenters are on OP's side, but they are outweighed by those who disagree with OP.
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Another EHell story!
That Horrid Moment When You Realize A Tree Is Vastly More Interesting (http://www.etiquettehell.com/?p=4901)
A few commenters are on OP's side, but they are outweighed by those who disagree with OP.
Meh, I could agree with the OP's point if we were talking 30 minutes+. If they only went over there and chatted for five minutes after checking everything, then ya OP needs to be patient.
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This is fun, because the tree story is mine. :D And when I re-read it, I thought "Mannnn, I sound like such a whiney bitch!"
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Here's one:
I had been staying with my aunt for one year while I was trying to figure out what to do with my life. It wasn't the easiest start, but I eventually found a job that I liked and after that, things got a lot better. The problem is that after 6 months of living there, my aunt decided to start charging me rent! I took some time off from my job to visit friends for a few weeks, and she told me when I came back, I'd have to start paying $300/month. It's not like I get a whole house to myself either -- I have one room with a queen size bed and a bathroom. I also use the top floor of the house, which includes a big TV, couches, and an outdoor roof deck. My aunt does go up there occasionally, so it's not like it's "my" space, even though she knocks first before coming up the stairs.
I sort of feel like she's taking advantage of me because when I first got here, she made dinner for me every night and even put individual servings in microwavable dishes that we would both eat (she would take them to lunch if I hadn't already eaten them) and she doesn't do that very much anymore. I've been paying for all of my own food for the past few months and packing my own lunches and making my own sandwiches for dinner. About once a week she'll buy some bulk foods for me, but I don't really like to cook anything that takes more effort than opening a can or a bag, so while I eat the Clam Chowder soups, I don't have much interest in cooking rice and beans. I also pay my own way for Metro to get to and from work. It's not cheap! and sometimes I go out drinking after work and I because Metro has already closed, I have to pay to take Uber to get home. She just doesn't realize how much it costs to work!
So ever since she imposed this $300/month rent, I had to find a way to increase my hours, because the store originally only gave me about 20 hours of work each week. So now I have to work 35-37 hours every week. I don't mind though, because I get lots of great perks at work.
She constantly (at least one time per week) tells me to wipe the counter down after I make toast. And when I spilled my Starbucks all over her front door, I had to clean it two different times because she didn't think I wiped up all the coffee -- I honestly didn't notice that it got all over the walls and the door - (my bad!). You can't really blame those ants on me. They probably would have come in whether I spilled the coffee or not.
Anyway, I asked my aunt if she would let me out of paying the final month's rent because I was going back home, seeing some buddies, and I wanted to take them around and treat them to some cool things. I can't believe it, but she said no! What a cheapass - it's not like she needs the money, she's rich and has an awesome house all to herself. She makes so much more money than I do, why wouldn't she just forgive the last month rent? I asked why not, and she tried to deflect it by asking why I didn't just ask my dad for the cash once I move back home? Clearly, that's not the same at all, but she didn't see it that way. I mean seriously, I'm giving her my hard-earned cash and just asking for relief for just one month. It's not like I want to waste the money either. I want to treat my friends and pay for the things that we do together while they are visiting me in my parents' house.
Signed, Bluehouse's nephew
I had a legitimately awesome belly laugh after reading that. Wow. I bet your glad to be be rid of nephew.
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This is fun, because the tree story is mine. :D And when I re-read it, I thought "Mannnn, I sound like such a whiney bitch!"
No way! Does that mean you changed your mind on thinking this behaviour was rude?
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I had a legitimately awesome belly laugh after reading that. Wow. I bet your glad to be be rid of nephew.
LOL! I am glad to have my space back to myself, but it was a really good experience for me too. I don't have kids, so it was eye-opening to me the way I changed my tune when it was "my kid" doing something that I don't like. (Basically, I'll never tell kids to get off my lawn again!)
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This is fun, because the tree story is mine. :D And when I re-read it, I thought "Mannnn, I sound like such a whiney bitch!"
Now you are practically internet-famous! ^-^
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Re the tree.
This is pretty much the example that I was given when I did MBTI about the difference between Thinking- and Feeling-preference people.
Thinking people look to see what can I practically do to fix the problem, Feeling people want to spend time with the 'victims' to make sure that they have someone to talk to.
So for Tammy and Dan, this was an emergency for the neighbours because their tree had fallen over and could have hit their car and they felt like they should be offering tea and sympathy. For the OP, the focus is more 'is there anything practical I can do to fix this?'.
I'm guessing that the OP would have had no problem if one of the neighbours had a heart attack and T+D ran out to do CPR, even if the evening went to shit afterwards. To T+D this probably felt like the same thing.
Both Tammy and the OP are acting in alignment with their values but it looks wrong to each other.
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That's interesting, Playing With Fire, and I think you're right.
No way! Does that mean you changed your mind on thinking this behaviour was rude?
Yeah! When I submitted that story a few months ago, I was in a bad mood and felt like reliving old grudges. Now, when I re-read it, I'm all "Jesus, lighten the fuck up. Tammy and Dan were just being good neighbours."
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I can't figure out how to link to just the story instead of the home page of the website, but here's one I read in the paper today:
Dear Annie: I am a 31-year-young man with a question about a woman who is 28. This story started in August of last year with my asking this woman on a date. We work together but were in different departments at the time. She said she doesn't date the people she works with. I didn't buy it, so I kept flirting with her. And she'd flirt back.
This went on until December of that year, when we saw each other in a neighborhood bar. She came up to my friend and me and pulled on the hood of my sweatshirt. Then she started to walk away, but my friend stopped her by standing in front of her. I talked to her like normal. Then I kissed her on the cheek. Then my friend left, and we hugged. I rubbed her back, and she rubbed mine. I kissed her hand. Then she turned away, and I playfully smacked her on the butt. We left at the same time but went our separate ways. The next day, we saw each other at work, and she came over to me and gave me a peck on the cheek.
After that, it all went downhill. I saw her sitting on another guy's lap at work. (He works in a different department than we do.) I took it personal. Here she was, the girl I was attracted to, sitting on this guy's lap. I felt as if she'd lied to me. I think that maybe she'd forgotten I asked her out, but I have told her I want her to be my girlfriend on several occasions. So I think she knows how I feel about her. After all this, I'm not sure what to think. Any help would be appreciated. — Pining
Dear Pining: Dating co-workers is great — if your goal is to save time by simultaneously ruining your personal life and your career. I would like to know why you didn't buy it when this woman told you she doesn't date co-workers, because you should have bought it, thrown away the receipt and gotten the message in your head, even if she later sent mixed signals.
Save yourself a lot of strife and look for love outside the workplace. Yes, we all know happily married couples who met across the watercooler. In the right circumstances with mature individuals (and maybe a consultation with HR), it can be done. But this sounds like an astonishingly immature group. Case in point: Unless it's Bring Your Child to Work Day, no one should be sitting on anyone's lap at the office.
My favorite is "Here she was, the girl I was attracted to, sitting on this guy's lap". I mean really, how. dare. she. Especially since they're not dating at all even though he's told her he wants her to be his girlfriend several times.
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I can't figure out how to link to just the story instead of the home page of the website, but here's one I read in the paper today:
Dear Annie: I am a 31-year-young man with a question about a woman who is 28. This story started in August of last year with my asking this woman on a date. We work together but were in different departments at the time. She said she doesn't date the people she works with. I didn't buy it, so I kept flirting with her. And she'd flirt back.
This went on until December of that year, when we saw each other in a neighborhood bar. She came up to my friend and me and pulled on the hood of my sweatshirt. Then she started to walk away, but my friend stopped her by standing in front of her. I talked to her like normal. Then I kissed her on the cheek. Then my friend left, and we hugged. I rubbed her back, and she rubbed mine. I kissed her hand. Then she turned away, and I playfully smacked her on the butt. We left at the same time but went our separate ways. The next day, we saw each other at work, and she came over to me and gave me a peck on the cheek.
After that, it all went downhill. I saw her sitting on another guy's lap at work. (He works in a different department than we do.) I took it personal. Here she was, the girl I was attracted to, sitting on this guy's lap. I felt as if she'd lied to me. I think that maybe she'd forgotten I asked her out, but I have told her I want her to be my girlfriend on several occasions. So I think she knows how I feel about her. After all this, I'm not sure what to think. Any help would be appreciated. — Pining
Dear Pining: Dating co-workers is great — if your goal is to save time by simultaneously ruining your personal life and your career. I would like to know why you didn't buy it when this woman told you she doesn't date co-workers, because you should have bought it, thrown away the receipt and gotten the message in your head, even if she later sent mixed signals.
Save yourself a lot of strife and look for love outside the workplace. Yes, we all know happily married couples who met across the watercooler. In the right circumstances with mature individuals (and maybe a consultation with HR), it can be done. But this sounds like an astonishingly immature group. Case in point: Unless it's Bring Your Child to Work Day, no one should be sitting on anyone's lap at the office.
My favorite is "Here she was, the girl I was attracted to, sitting on this guy's lap". I mean really, how. dare. she. Especially since they're not dating at all even though he's told her he wants her to be his girlfriend several times.
This has to be fake. Obviously if you pat someone on the behind, they are your property and become your bf/gf. Totally agree with Pining here.
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I can't figure out how to link to just the story instead of the home page of the website, but here's one I read in the paper today:
Dear Annie: I am a 31-year-young man with a question about a woman who is 28. This story started in August of last year with my asking this woman on a date. We work together but were in different departments at the time. She said she doesn't date the people she works with. I didn't buy it, so I kept flirting with her. And she'd flirt back.
This went on until December of that year, when we saw each other in a neighborhood bar. She came up to my friend and me and pulled on the hood of my sweatshirt. Then she started to walk away, but my friend stopped her by standing in front of her. I talked to her like normal. Then I kissed her on the cheek. Then my friend left, and we hugged. I rubbed her back, and she rubbed mine. I kissed her hand. Then she turned away, and I playfully smacked her on the butt. We left at the same time but went our separate ways. The next day, we saw each other at work, and she came over to me and gave me a peck on the cheek.
After that, it all went downhill. I saw her sitting on another guy's lap at work. (He works in a different department than we do.) I took it personal. Here she was, the girl I was attracted to, sitting on this guy's lap. I felt as if she'd lied to me. I think that maybe she'd forgotten I asked her out, but I have told her I want her to be my girlfriend on several occasions. So I think she knows how I feel about her. After all this, I'm not sure what to think. Any help would be appreciated. — Pining
Dear Pining: Dating co-workers is great — if your goal is to save time by simultaneously ruining your personal life and your career. I would like to know why you didn't buy it when this woman told you she doesn't date co-workers, because you should have bought it, thrown away the receipt and gotten the message in your head, even if she later sent mixed signals.
Save yourself a lot of strife and look for love outside the workplace. Yes, we all know happily married couples who met across the watercooler. In the right circumstances with mature individuals (and maybe a consultation with HR), it can be done. But this sounds like an astonishingly immature group. Case in point: Unless it's Bring Your Child to Work Day, no one should be sitting on anyone's lap at the office.
My favorite is "Here she was, the girl I was attracted to, sitting on this guy's lap". I mean really, how. dare. she. Especially since they're not dating at all even though he's told her he wants her to be his girlfriend several times.
This has to be fake. Obviously if you pat someone on the behind, they are your property and become your bf/gf. Totally agree with Pining here.
And obviously someone who doesn't date co-workers is going to be sitting on someone's lap at work. Come on, really, what a troll.
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This has to be fake. Obviously if you pat someone on the behind, they are your property and become your bf/gf. Totally agree with Pining here.
And obviously someone who doesn't date co-workers is going to be sitting on someone's lap at work. Come on, really, what a troll.
Agree, it must be a troll. No spelling errors and decently written. Not the mark of someone whose immaturity shines through in the behavior.
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That was a weird little story. Thank you for sharing! Here's one source, if anyone wants it. (https://www.creators.com/read/dear-annie/08/16/a-flicker-of-co-worker-romance)
Their actions almost sound like high school, rather than a job at ages 28 and 31. Does anyone else find the action of friend, "stopped her by standing in front of her," a little creepy as described?
Also, I've never seen "XX-year-young" used by anyone before they hit age 70.
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That was a weird little story. Thank you for sharing! Here's one source, if anyone wants it. (https://www.creators.com/read/dear-annie/08/16/a-flicker-of-co-worker-romance)
Their actions almost sound like high school, rather than a job at ages 28 and 31. Does anyone else find the action of friend, "stopped her by standing in front of her," a little creepy as described?
Also, I've never seen "XX-year-young" used by anyone before they hit age 70.
Yeah this sounds a lot more like my often-drunk classmates and I in college than actual adults with jobs. Why in the hell are these coworkers kissing each other and sitting on laps at work?!?!? That is absolutely absurd to me. I would be horrified if I saw it at my work. So unless someone can give me an example of a workplace where this wouldn't be ridiculous, I'm voting troll.
This thread in general is very descriptive of a good friend of mine who always thinks everyone else is mad at her or excluding her or in some way creating some drama that doesn't exist. I try to tell her over and over "I reeeeally don't think that is what is happening", but she defends herself until at some point resorts to "you just don't understand" or "you didn't hear the way she said it". It actually makes me really sad because I know that my friend is not intentionally lying, but truly feels like she is being betrayed or disliked when that is absolutely not the case. She is ~26 and recently received her PhD in Engineering...
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Great thread. Posting to follow.
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That was a weird little story. Thank you for sharing! Here's one source, if anyone wants it. (https://www.creators.com/read/dear-annie/08/16/a-flicker-of-co-worker-romance)
Their actions almost sound like high school, rather than a job at ages 28 and 31. Does anyone else find the action of friend, "stopped her by standing in front of her," a little creepy as described?
Also, I've never seen "XX-year-young" used by anyone before they hit age 70.
Yeah this sounds a lot more like my often-drunk classmates and I in college than actual adults with jobs. Why in the hell are these coworkers kissing each other and sitting on laps at work?!?!? That is absolutely absurd to me. I would be horrified if I saw it at my work. So unless someone can give me an example of a workplace where this wouldn't be ridiculous, I'm voting troll.
I'm with you. But just for humor's sake, how about this workplace? http://www.askamanager.org/2015/04/i-walked-in-on-employees-having-sex-and-i-think-there-might-be-a-sex-club-in-my-office.html
And the letter writer's update: http://www.askamanager.org/2015/06/update-i-walked-in-on-employees-having-sex-and-i-think-theres-a-sex-club-in-my-office.html
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I was just about to post the update.
I...uh...what?
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I'm with you. But just for humor's sake, how about this workplace? http://www.askamanager.org/2015/04/i-walked-in-on-employees-having-sex-and-i-think-there-might-be-a-sex-club-in-my-office.html
And the letter writer's update: http://www.askamanager.org/2015/06/update-i-walked-in-on-employees-having-sex-and-i-think-theres-a-sex-club-in-my-office.html
This makes me long for my lost naivete in which I used to suspect exactly no one of lying on the internet. It was a great story though!
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I just...wow.
I would call phony, but...she's had weirder letters. There was one about an interview process that involved the candidates throwing a party for the existing employees of the company (http://www.askamanager.org/2014/01/i-had-to-prepare-a-meal-and-entertain-20-people-for-a-job-interview-and-so-did-39-other-candidates.html), including a dance number. It was posted by OP, then confirmed by a few other interview candidates in the comments. There was a follow-up (http://www.askamanager.org/2014/07/an-update-from-our-most-notorious-letter-ever-i-had-to-prepare-a-meal-and-entertain-20-people-for-a-job-interview.html), and people also confirmed the name of the (well-known) NFP that was doing the hiring. (I think I read about this first somewhere else on MMM forums, but I don't recall where.)
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I just...wow.
I would call phony, but...she's had weirder letters. There was one about an interview process that involved the candidates throwing a party for the existing employees of the company (http://www.askamanager.org/2014/01/i-had-to-prepare-a-meal-and-entertain-20-people-for-a-job-interview-and-so-did-39-other-candidates.html), including a dance number. It was posted by OP, then confirmed by a few other interview candidates in the comments. There was a follow-up (http://www.askamanager.org/2014/07/an-update-from-our-most-notorious-letter-ever-i-had-to-prepare-a-meal-and-entertain-20-people-for-a-job-interview.html), and people also confirmed the name of the (well-known) NFP that was doing the hiring. (I think I read about this first somewhere else on MMM forums, but I don't recall where.)
Ohhh, right -- Operation Smile in Norfolk, Virginia!
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Wow! To both the duck club (supervisor says "quack quack"? How fucking creepy is that!?) and the catering portion of the interview process (that's just abusive and possibly illegal).
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In hopes of reviving this thread, here's are dueling stories about a party. The first letter you will see fits our topic.
Etiquette Hell - Holiday Party Custody Battles (http://www.etiquettehell.com/?p=3586)
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Bumping to follow. This is wonderful :)
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In hopes of reviving this thread, here's are dueling stories about a party. The first letter you will see fits our topic.
Etiquette Hell - Holiday Party Custody Battles (http://www.etiquettehell.com/?p=3586)
I think the second letter does too.
Thanks for bumping this up again!
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Via Reddit:
'My boss was murdered - how soon can I ask for a raise?'
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/58g1tt/my_25m_boss_was_murdered_now_im_wondering_how/
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In hopes of reviving this thread, here's are dueling stories about a party. The first letter you will see fits our topic.
Etiquette Hell - Holiday Party Custody Battles (http://www.etiquettehell.com/?p=3586)
Oh, boy! Ehell has a new fan. Thanks, WTH!
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In hopes of reviving this thread, here's are dueling stories about a party. The first letter you will see fits our topic.
Etiquette Hell - Holiday Party Custody Battles (http://www.etiquettehell.com/?p=3586)
Oh, boy! Ehell has a new fan. Thanks, WTH!
Same here. I loved that one.
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Via Reddit:
'My boss was murdered - how soon can I ask for a raise?'
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/58g1tt/my_25m_boss_was_murdered_now_im_wondering_how/
The post has been deleted! I guess that's not a surprise, considering how easily that kind of topic could be used to identify the OP.
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Via Reddit:
'My boss was murdered - how soon can I ask for a raise?'
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/58g1tt/my_25m_boss_was_murdered_now_im_wondering_how/
Reminds me (sorta) of a previous employer who fired a friend of mine. Small company and we were friends because we were the youngest people in the company and we were both single. Other than that, not too much in common, so not besties or anything. The night before the firing, my friend/co-worker called me at home and said he thought he was going to get fired. I said I thought it was a possibility because he'd been slacking off quite a bit lately. We both laughed and said "oh well, if you do, you better work harder at the next place". The next day, after friend was fired, the boss called me into his office to see my reaction to the firing. Boss thought I would be mad or hold it against him. I didn't have much of an opinion other than what I had said to friend the previous night, so I just kept my mouth shut. Boss must have really thought I was having an attitude about it, because he went on and on about how much all of the developers were paid. I was trying to be courteous and say "okay", but after the third or fourth time of the boss implying that their earnings so far exceeded their value when compared to my own decent but not excessive salary, I finally said "well, since ALL of those funds are freed up now, perhaps now is a good time to ask for a raise".
He seemed almost relieved and gave me a $10K per year raise right on the spot. Not quite murder, but still, I never felt right telling my friend that I got a raise the day he was fired.
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If you like this sort of thing, you should frequent reddit's r/relationships. It is my guilty pleasure. Not all of the threads have that dynamic, but quite a few do.
Here is a classic example: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4ufb0r/update_my_18_parents_keep_insisting_that_im_gay/ (https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4ufb0r/update_my_18_parents_keep_insisting_that_im_gay/)
lol, i had this too, but not just parents. hilarious to have an 'i was right' conversation shoe horned into coming out
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This thread in general is very descriptive of a good friend of mine who always thinks everyone else is mad at her or excluding her or in some way creating some drama that doesn't exist. I try to tell her over and over "I reeeeally don't think that is what is happening", but she defends herself until at some point resorts to "you just don't understand" or "you didn't hear the way she said it". It actually makes me really sad because I know that my friend is not intentionally lying, but truly feels like she is being betrayed or disliked when that is absolutely not the case. She is ~26 and recently received her PhD in Engineering...
do we have a friend in common?
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Either half of the stuff submitted to "ask a manager" is fabricated trolling, or my already low opinion of humanity will need to be adjusted even farther downward.
Sad. Adjusting my opinion of humanity to go even farther downward.
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From our own forums:
Advice on toxic boss (http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/ask-a-mustachian/advice-on-toxic-boss)
OP's initial post doesn't come across as intended...
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Dredging up an old but beloved thread because I came across not one, but two, gems today.
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/my-assistant-quit-because-of-st-patricks-day-pinching.html
My assistant quit on the spot when co-workers insulted her heritage and pinched her butt. If anyone asks for a reference in the future, how should I decline to give it?
https://loveletters.boston.com/2017/03/doesnt-talk-losing-wife.html
My jerk of a boyfriend never told me that he'd been married earlier and that his wife died. Whatever feelings this clod may have about her, they can't possibly be as important as MY needs. Me, me, ME!
Edited for grammar.
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This thread is gold. Thank you for updating acepedro45.
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Adults pinch each other on St. Patricks? I remember this from being a kid - but geez.
Reference/recommendation: As an employee, Erin doesn't appreciate being pinched, especially near the butt. So as long as that is not a job requirement, she'll likely be fine.
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Adults pinch each other on St. Patricks? I remember this from being a kid - but geez.
Someone did this to me once at work, in the spirit of silliness. I reflexively smacked her hand away, hard. Thankfully we get along well, but that blurred friends/coworkers line is probably why she felt like I'd be okay with it in the first place.
Reference/recommendation: As an employee, Erin doesn't appreciate being pinched, especially near the butt. So as long as that is not a job requirement, she'll likely be fine.
I'd love to know what goes through the mind of the person hearing that reference with no context.
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Dredging up an old but beloved thread...
https://loveletters.boston.com/2017/03/doesnt-talk-losing-wife.html
My jerk of a boyfriend never told me that he'd been married earlier and that his wife died. Whatever feelings this clod may have about her, they can't possibly be as important as MY needs. Me, me, ME!
Edited for grammar.
Acepedro45, thank you for administering CPR to this thread. That second gem really resonates with me. I don't want to do more than lurk there occasionally, so may I post my comment here? Hope so.
My story has some parallels, though I did know of DH's first wife before she died. DH and I started dating not terribly long afterward. We didn't realize we were dating, exactly. (The saga is in the process of unfolding slowly on my journal if you want more deets.)
He proposed only six months after she died. I knew it was a risk, but I trusted him and my gut. We ended up eloping about a month later. Then a bunch of life changes happened and we were too busy to think/talk too much about it.
She was his high school sweetheart They were married almost 25 years and he never even kissed another girl. She died rather unexpectedly, in part because she did not seek medical attention in a timely manner, despite multiple attempts from him and other family members. To clarify, i knew the general details, but he didn't talk much about her personally or about their married life.
Finally, on a long road trip, I asked him why he never mentioned her. After a really long pause, he managed to choke out, "Because it hurts too much".
That was several years ago and I haven't brought it up since. in short, he was happy, then he was devastated, then he found a different kind of happy.
My message to that silly girl is to leave it alone! If she can't keep her nose out of it and accept him for the person he is today, she meets to do them all a favor and walk the hell away.
Ace: fixed that wonky autofill typo. Sorry.
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Like Frankie's Girl, I have a great story that I could tell here. It's actually my spouse's story to tell about an employee. Maybe some day I'll be able to share it. In the meantime, I'll keep following along to catch other people's drama!
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I frequent an online young widows' bulletin board. For privacy's sake, I won't post the link, but here's the whine:
OP is a fiftyish widow with an advanced degree. Her DH was career military and died five or so years ago. She has a teenaged son and collects SS survivors' benefits, and a VA pension. About a year ago OP went online to a Christian dating site. and found New Guy. Even though both are deeply religious and sex outside of marriage is forbidden, they risked it and started sleeping together immediately. But New Guy has taught the OP how to live again. How to love again.
So now they decide their love warrants a Christian Marriage, as the OP refers to it. No more tempting fate and upsetting Jesus. OP wants to do it right and wear a white gown and have Mr. and Mrs. New Guy listed in the church directory. And here's the dilemma, OP has gone to the preacher to start wedding preparations, and makes the ever-so-slightly small demand that the preacher perform the Christian Ceremony, but not file the necessary paperwork with their jurisdiction. Bend the rules, as it were. Why is the OP requesting this deception? Because she does not wish to give up her sweet, sweet Gubmint Cheese. Some she'd keep, like the SS benefits for the minor child, but the widow may not claim widow status and be remarried. Shocking. The widow needs all the money she can get, she has bills and doesn't like working. New Guy is terrible with finances, major debt and an "evil greedy ex-wife". So OP doesn't wish to cast her lot with him in any way other than The Christian Marriage.
OP won't look at this any other way. She wants what she wants, which is basically to be married to two men at the same time. One dead and one living. The church does not agree. The VA, SS, and IRS do not agree. Everything, every institution is conspiring against OP and New Guy. No one understands! Their love is the real thing! There should be separation of church and state, she protests!
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I don't have a story to share, but I don't want to lose track of this thread.
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The widow needs all the money she can get, she has bills and doesn't like working.
Their love is the real thing! There should be separation of church and state, she protests!
Interesting stuff. New Guy does not sound like someone I would like to be married to. Sounds like she should find a friend to dress up and play at weddings for a day so she gets to wear a white dress. I'm guessing that if her deity is okay with the widow's benefits fraud thing they'd be okay with the pretend wedding thing.
I also have bills and dislike working, is their some free money available for me also. I didn't realise that this was an option for special people like the OP and me.
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OP won't look at this any other way. She wants what she wants, which is basically to be married to two men at the same time. One dead and one living. The church does not agree. The VA, SS, and IRS do not agree. Everything, every institution is conspiring against OP and New Guy. No one understands! Their love is the real thing! There should be separation of church and state, she protests!
My favorite part is that the VA, SS and IRS couldn't give two figs what they do with their genitals in private. Only the church, and even then, I feel like most of them at this point are like "don't ask, don't tell."
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The widow needs all the money she can get, she has bills and doesn't like working.
Their love is the real thing! There should be separation of church and state, she protests!
Interesting stuff. New Guy does not sound like someone I would like to be married to. Sounds like she should find a friend to dress up and play at weddings for a day so she gets to wear a white dress. I'm guessing that if her deity is okay with the widow's benefits fraud thing they'd be okay with the pretend wedding thing.
I also have bills and dislike working, is their some free money available for me also. I didn't realise that this was an option for special people like the OP and me.
Love your take on this whack-job story.
And calimom, I am sorry for your loss. I hope there's a different kind of happy in your future.
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Another one from Alison of Askamanager.com....
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/im-embarrassed-that-my-employee-paid-cash-at-a-business-lunch-we-all-get-the-same-raises-and-more.html
My employee had the gall, the absolute gall, to pay CASH at a BUSINESS LUNCH!!! Can you even imagine?! In a BUSINESS SETTING? I and my stuffy friends were hopelessly embarrassed by this disgusting creature at the lunch (where I of course required her to pay her own way while I and my aforementioned friends whipped out our company cards).
What's more, the freak has a number of other bizarre qualities. First of all, she's young! She doesn't know that proper business etiquette is to be 25 or older. What's more, she doesn't waste time on social media of any kind. She doesn't own a TV and I suspect that is part of the problem she has absorbing cultural norms. No wonder she is so out of touch with proper decorum.
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Another one from Alison of Askamanager.com....
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/im-embarrassed-that-my-employee-paid-cash-at-a-business-lunch-we-all-get-the-same-raises-and-more.html
My employee had the gall, the absolute gall, to pay CASH at a BUSINESS LUNCH!!! Can you even imagine?! In a BUSINESS SETTING? I and my stuffy friends were hopelessly embarrassed by this disgusting creature at the lunch (where I of course required her to pay her own way while I and my aforementioned friends whipped out our company cards).
What's more, the freak has a number of other bizarre qualities. First of all, she's young! She doesn't know that proper business etiquette is to be 25 or older. What's more, she doesn't waste time on social media of any kind. She doesn't own a TV and I suspect that is part of the problem she has absorbing cultural norms. No wonder she is so out of touch with proper decorum.
Ha, I thought of this forum when I read that. One small nit pick, I think the age was mentioned as a sort of "she's too young to have learned proper business etiquette, I should show her the Error Of Her Ways!"
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Hahaha I read that this morning too. As a fellow youngish person, I didn't know if that was some sort of business etiquette thing (every business meal I've been on has been picked up on the company card, which is definitely not in my wallet). Based on the comments, it seems like it is not. I found it more strange that they split the bill on a business lunch... usually when it's a meeting lunch (she mentions there were people from four different companies), one company will pick it up. Weird.
AAM is a treasure :)
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AAM is a treasure :)
+1000
I thought the "25" comment was being really condescending either way. Either she's too young to be able to provide any value to her employer, or she's too young to know anything about anything. One isn't better than the other.
And I read the "business lunch" as "a group of colleagues went to lunch" not "taking current/potential clients/business partners to lunch".
I wonder if the manager is mad because people who can manage their money that well probably have or will soon have FU money. Employees who need their job lest they fall in to utter ruin are much easier to control.
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Ha, I thought of this forum when I read that. One small nit pick, I think the age was mentioned as a sort of "she's too young to have learned proper business etiquette, I should show her the Error Of Her Ways!"
I would agree, except for all the other bizarre complaints after that. She's 25, but nothing happens when I Google her name, what's wrong with her?! *clutches pearls*
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I thought the "25" comment was being really condescending either way. Either she's too young to be able to provide any value to her employer, or she's too young to know anything about anything. One isn't better than the other.
True.
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And I read the "business lunch" as "a group of colleagues went to lunch" not "taking current/potential clients/business partners to lunch".
That would make more sense. But then the complaint makes even less sense! I still don't see the issue with paying cash at a *business* lunch (not just colleagues grabbing lunch, but a working lunch), but if it's a personal lunch with colleague friends, then I have zero clue what the issue is with paying cash.
Had this actually been a breach of business etiquette, I didn't see that the comment about being 25 and being too young to have learned proper business etiquette that condescending. It was the rest of the bizarre complaints that did it for me.
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P2F! These are wonderful
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What's more, the freak has a number of other bizarre qualities. First of all, she's young! She doesn't know that proper business etiquette is to be 25 or older. What's more, she doesn't waste time on social media of any kind. She doesn't own a TV and I suspect that is part of the problem she has absorbing cultural norms. No wonder she is so out of touch with proper decorum.
And beyond that the youngster probably doesn't even have the "collector's edition special carbon fiber platinum gold plated credit card for special members only for a limited time only card" stored in a wallet from fashionable places overseas!
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https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/
Disclaimer: there is a part of me that's wondering if this is all a massive troll/social experiment (presenting an all-too-common situation with flipped genders to see what the public response ends up being). Nonetheless, I believer the situation has happened somewhere, at some point, whatever the sexes of party1/party2, and the basic facts make it fit into the topic category: a deal was made, but 18 months later party1 is unhappy with the deal and wants to coerce party2 into something party2 explicitly rejected when the deal was made.
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https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/
Disclaimer: there is a part of me that's wondering if this is all a massive troll/social experiment (presenting an all-too-common situation with flipped genders to see what the public response ends up being). Nonetheless, I believer the situation has happened somewhere, at some point, whatever the sexes of party1/party2, and the basic facts make it fit into the topic category: a deal was made, but 18 months later party1 is unhappy with the deal and wants to coerce party2 into something party2 explicitly rejected when the deal was made.
No idea if it's some experiment or not, but I really, really, really LOVE the fact that every single comment I read was telling him to grow up. Many were implying or outright calling him an abuser. LOVE IT!
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Ha, I thought of this forum when I read that. One small nit pick, I think the age was mentioned as a sort of "she's too young to have learned proper business etiquette, I should show her the Error Of Her Ways!"
I would agree, except for all the other bizarre complaints after that. She's 25, but nothing happens when I Google her name, what's wrong with her?! *clutches pearls*
This whole story was absolutely hysterical! I love reason about when people bring personal shit to work.
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Did y'all see the Ask A Manager where the writer was all "I'm calling a female-identifying coworker pronouns she doesn't use. How can I go to HR about her hostility to nonbinary people?"
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/04/giving-coworkers-a-questionnaire-about-my-performance-gender-neutral-pronouns-and-more.html
https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/
Disclaimer: there is a part of me that's wondering if this is all a massive troll/social experiment (presenting an all-too-common situation with flipped genders to see what the public response ends up being). Nonetheless, I believer the situation has happened somewhere, at some point, whatever the sexes of party1/party2, and the basic facts make it fit into the topic category: a deal was made, but 18 months later party1 is unhappy with the deal and wants to coerce party2 into something party2 explicitly rejected when the deal was made.
No idea if it's some experiment or not, but I really, really, really LOVE the fact that every single comment I read was telling him to grow up. Many were implying or outright calling him an abuser. LOVE IT!
I bet this is that gender-switch, and it's kinda sad that if it was a deadbeat dad, the general advice would be "He's the father, he needs to be involved". I think the advice here is good in either case, but it's sad for the child no matter what.
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I bet this is that gender-switch, and it's kinda sad that if it was a deadbeat dad, the general advice would be "He's the father, he needs to be involved". I think the advice here is good in either case, but it's sad for the child no matter what.
In the same circumstances I think the answers would be the same. Short-term relationship, she is pregnant, he is encouraging an abortion and willing to pay, she wants to keep the baby. He says "OK I will pay child support but not interested in being a father" and pays 125% of agreed child support. Not a dead-beat dad. Just not there. Which the mother knew would happen.
Seriously, women tend to have a better idea of what they are getting into, since so many men (not all, but enough) walk away from their families, from children they have been active fathers to, and don't even pay child support. Those are the dead-beat dads.
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Another good one...
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2017/04/dear_prudence_i_hate_my_wife_s_ideas_for_naming_our_daughter.html
My wife and I met to discuss baby names for our daughter-to-be. Although I came prepared with a bulleted PowerPoint presentation of Important and Serious Names from Art & Literature, my wife came with a brainstormed list scribbled on the back of a grocery list. Now I am seriously questioning our relationship. Can I stay married to a woman who thinks "Bethonie" is an appropriate name for a little girl? This trashy, misspelled name would lead our daughter down an inevitable path of eating disorders, drug use, sex work, hitchhiking, glue sniffing, shoplifting, teen pregnancy and other horrors.
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Another good one...
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2017/04/dear_prudence_i_hate_my_wife_s_ideas_for_naming_our_daughter.html
My wife and I met to discuss baby names for our daughter-to-be. Although I came prepared with a bulleted PowerPoint presentation of Important and Serious Names from Art & Literature, my wife came with a brainstormed list scribbled on the back of a grocery list. Now I am seriously questioning our relationship. Can I stay married to a woman who thinks "Bethonie" is an appropriate name for a little girl? This trashy, misspelled name would lead our daughter down an inevitable path of eating disorders, drug use, sex work, hitchhiking, glue sniffing, shoplifting, teen pregnancy and other horrors.
LOL!
I wish I was making this up, but last year my daughter was in a class at her school with 3 girls of the same name. My first reaction, upon hearing this when we were making birthday party invitations, was "How cool. These parents named their daughters after a hip groovy borough of New York.". Then I found out the spelling of each was, "Brooke Lynne", "Brooklinn", and "Brooklynne".
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Another good one...
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2017/04/dear_prudence_i_hate_my_wife_s_ideas_for_naming_our_daughter.html
My wife and I met to discuss baby names for our daughter-to-be. Although I came prepared with a bulleted PowerPoint presentation of Important and Serious Names from Art & Literature, my wife came with a brainstormed list scribbled on the back of a grocery list. Now I am seriously questioning our relationship. Can I stay married to a woman who thinks "Bethonie" is an appropriate name for a little girl? This trashy, misspelled name would lead our daughter down an inevitable path of eating disorders, drug use, sex work, hitchhiking, glue sniffing, shoplifting, teen pregnancy and other horrors.
LOL!
I wish I was making this up, but last year my daughter was in a class at her school with 3 girls of the same name. My first reaction, upon hearing this when we were making birthday party invitations, was "How cool. These parents named their daughters after a hip groovy borough of New York.". Then I found out the spelling of each was, "Brooke Lynne", "Brooklinn", and "Brooklynne".
And if I knew those girls, I'd spend their entire lives spelling it "Brooklyn". Alternative spellings aren't cool, they're cruel to the people who are stuck with having their names spelled wrong for their entire lives.
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Another good one...
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2017/04/dear_prudence_i_hate_my_wife_s_ideas_for_naming_our_daughter.html
My wife and I met to discuss baby names for our daughter-to-be. Although I came prepared with a bulleted PowerPoint presentation of Important and Serious Names from Art & Literature, my wife came with a brainstormed list scribbled on the back of a grocery list. Now I am seriously questioning our relationship. Can I stay married to a woman who thinks "Bethonie" is an appropriate name for a little girl? This trashy, misspelled name would lead our daughter down an inevitable path of eating disorders, drug use, sex work, hitchhiking, glue sniffing, shoplifting, teen pregnancy and other horrors.
LOL!
I wish I was making this up, but last year my daughter was in a class at her school with 3 girls of the same name. My first reaction, upon hearing this when we were making birthday party invitations, was "How cool. These parents named their daughters after a hip groovy borough of New York.". Then I found out the spelling of each was, "Brooke Lynne", "Brooklinn", and "Brooklynne".
And if I knew those girls, I'd spend their entire lives spelling it "Brooklyn". Alternative spellings aren't cool, they're cruel to the people who are stuck with having their names spelled wrong for their entire lives.
As someone who's (real) name is spelled "wrong"... meh. It's not that big of a deal. Sure, I can never find my name on those personalized keychains (my mom once special ordered a custom pillow spelling out my name and I loved it), and I will forever roll my eyes at the one coworker who cannot or will not spell my name correctly, but in the grand scheme of problems in my life, this rates on "meh" on the scale. My grandmother spelled my mom's name "wrong," my mom spelled my name "wrong," and if I ever have my own daughter, I'm 99% sure I'll be spelling her name "wrong" too.
Off topic, but I was part of a long email chain with someone with a common name that has multiple common spellings (Catherine/Katherine, Megan/Meghan, something like that). She would consistently spell my name wrong, even though it pops up with my full and correct spelling. So I replied to one of her emails purposely spelling her name wrong (after sending several emails with the correct spelling of her name). She never got my name wrong again. Passive aggressive for the win :)
Now, if you're the type of the acquaintance to continuously spell someone's name wrong because you think the spelling is stupid, and is essentially punishing someone for their parents' "mistake" in your eyes... well, I don't think the person with the weirdly spelled name is the problem.
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Another good one...
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2017/04/dear_prudence_i_hate_my_wife_s_ideas_for_naming_our_daughter.html
My wife and I met to discuss baby names for our daughter-to-be. Although I came prepared with a bulleted PowerPoint presentation of Important and Serious Names from Art & Literature, my wife came with a brainstormed list scribbled on the back of a grocery list. Now I am seriously questioning our relationship. Can I stay married to a woman who thinks "Bethonie" is an appropriate name for a little girl? This trashy, misspelled name would lead our daughter down an inevitable path of eating disorders, drug use, sex work, hitchhiking, glue sniffing, shoplifting, teen pregnancy and other horrors.
LOL!
I wish I was making this up, but last year my daughter was in a class at her school with 3 girls of the same name. My first reaction, upon hearing this when we were making birthday party invitations, was "How cool. These parents named their daughters after a hip groovy borough of New York.". Then I found out the spelling of each was, "Brooke Lynne", "Brooklinn", and "Brooklynne".
And if I knew those girls, I'd spend their entire lives spelling it "Brooklyn". Alternative spellings aren't cool, they're cruel to the people who are stuck with having their names spelled wrong for their entire lives.
As someone who's (real) name is spelled "wrong"... meh. It's not that big of a deal. Sure, I can never find my name on those personalized keychains (my mom once special ordered a custom pillow spelling out my name and I loved it), and I will forever roll my eyes at the one coworker who cannot or will not spell my name correctly, but in the grand scheme of problems in my life, this rates on "meh" on the scale. My grandmother spelled my mom's name "wrong," my mom spelled my name "wrong," and if I ever have my own daughter, I'm 99% sure I'll be spelling her name "wrong" too.
Off topic, but I was part of a long email chain with someone with a common name that has multiple common spellings (Catherine/Katherine, Megan/Meghan, something like that). She would consistently spell my name wrong, even though it pops up with my full and correct spelling. So I replied to one of her emails purposely spelling her name wrong (after sending several emails with the correct spelling of her name). She never got my name wrong again. Passive aggressive for the win :)
Now, if you're the type of the acquaintance to continuously spell someone's name wrong because you think the spelling is stupid, and is essentially punishing someone for their parents' "mistake" in your eyes... well, I don't think the person with the weirdly spelled name is the problem.
I simply can't spell. So when you have multiple spellings of the same name, I really can't remember what the spelling is, and will frequently get it wrong. It doesn't help that your attitude is in the minority - I can't tell you how often people have gotten mad at me because I spelled their name wrong.
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I simply can't spell. So when you have multiple spellings of the same name, I really can't remember what the spelling is, and will frequently get it wrong. It doesn't help that your attitude is in the minority - I can't tell you how often people have gotten mad at me because I spelled their name wrong.
Ahh gotcha. I thought you meant you were one of those people who's like 'I'm just gonna spell your name how ever I want because it's too inconvenient for me to remember how to properly spell it.' Like my one coworker. Ugh.
If my best friend of 15 years forgot how to spell my name I might be miffed. Even newer friends have a bit less of an excuse since most of my friends and I use Facebook Messenger to chat frequently (and my name is spelled correctly there). I used to be a crazed, Type-A, perfectionist about everything, and now I'm somewhere between Type-A and B. I've learned to pick my battles, and the spelling of my name just isn't one of them.
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I also have a name that has multiple spelling variants. My name happens to be spelled the most common way, but I still get plenty of misspellings.
BUT, I have to say, unasked-for nicknames rate far higher for me on the annoyance scale than misspellings. If I tell you my name is Catherine and you spell it Kathryn, we can get over that. If you call me Cathy, Kate or Katie, you're deliberately ignoring what I told you I wanted to be called.
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Off topic, but I was part of a long email chain with someone with a common name that has multiple common spellings (Catherine/Katherine, Megan/Meghan, something like that). She would consistently spell my name wrong, even though it pops up with my full and correct spelling. So I replied to one of her emails purposely spelling her name wrong (after sending several emails with the correct spelling of her name). She never got my name wrong again. Passive aggressive for the win :)
I have the less common spelling of my name. Misspellings in email - when they typed it correctly for the email to get to me - bugs me.
So when I accidentally mess up someone's name (I deal with a Natali and Natalie in the same office), I always point it out myself and apologise, because I should know better.
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I have what I would say is a normal English name (like Mary rather than Shaneequa) that's just slightly unusual (like Cecily rather than Mary) but not way out there. So I've only ever met one other person with my name but it appears frequently enough in life and in literature that everyone's heard of it. It is somewhat alike another name and people do sometimes mishear and confuse it (like Marie rather than Mary).
If I say my name out loud and someone writes it down wrong, that's OK. If they read my name on some paper and pronounce it wrong, that's kind of OK. If I have sent an email to them with my correctly spelled name at the bottom and they repeatedly send back emails with multiple comically varying spellings of my name... MAY A WHIRLWIND OF FIRE TAKE THEM UP AND CARRY THEM OFF TO THE SPECIAL HELL FOR DISRESPECTFUL PEOPLE. Especially as my email address IS my name. I do think it is very disrespectful to spell people's names wrong when the correct spelling would take all of five seconds to check. It's one of those things like saying "Excuse me" when you burp - no one's going to die if you don't do it, but it's just something that shows respect towards those around you.
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P2F
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MAY A WHIRLWIND OF FIRE TAKE THEM UP AND CARRY THEM OFF TO THE SPECIAL HELL FOR DISRESPECTFUL PEOPLE.
My name has an 'a' at the end, which makes it 3 syllables, not 2. So does my SIL's name (different than mine though.) For 38 years, my MIL has called me by the wrong name. Although not much different than my name, it IS different. I do not like this 2 syllable name! She knows that. My parents took a lot of time and thought naming me, and I rather like my name. For 35 years, MIL has also called my SIL a short form of her name that she absolutely hates. MIL has a Czech name that is tricky to spell, and unusual to pronounce. And yet, SIL and I both have mastered HER name. She wonders why her relationships with her children's spouses are not good. (it's not just about the names, but holy hell, our names are not difficult!)
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New submission that has been discovered in the wilds of this very forum:
https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/ask-a-mustachian/how-to-convince-gf-to-be-more-mustachian-for-future-children/
Wow.
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New submission that has been discovered in the wilds of this very forum:
https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/ask-a-mustachian/how-to-convince-gf-to-be-more-mustachian-for-future-children/
Wow.
Oh man, I had the same thought! That guy seems sadly unaware of how horribly he is coming across to everyone else.
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New submission that has been discovered in the wilds of this very forum:
https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/ask-a-mustachian/how-to-convince-gf-to-be-more-mustachian-for-future-children/
Wow.
Oh man, I had the same thought! That guy seems sadly unaware of how horribly he is coming across to everyone else.
In the words of Alison - Holy Hanukkah Balls.
I was going to write a response, but... ugh. I used to be that kid in my late teens, early 20s... planning out everything in my future and then freaking the fuck out when things didn't go to plan. Thank god for therapy.
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I feel sorry for his girlfriend. I'm thinking she should get out now.
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I think that guy is a troll.
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I think that guy is a troll.
After the whole MJ basketball comment I am now thinking the same thing.
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New submission that has been discovered in the wilds of this very forum:
https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/ask-a-mustachian/how-to-convince-gf-to-be-more-mustachian-for-future-children/
Wow.
Oh man, I had the same thought! That guy seems sadly unaware of how horribly he is coming across to everyone else.
This has so much all wrapped up in one thread. There's the list of unacceptable majors (I'm left wondering where my business degree fits; it isn't STEM, you know), the non-parent stating an absolutely certain parenting philosophy, the disregard of all art, all topped with the icing of "how do I get the people in my life to do exactly what I tell them?".
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Here's another fun one from Dear Prudence:
www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2017/04/dear_prudence_i_told_my_wife_i_hope_she_miscarried.html (http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2017/04/dear_prudence_i_told_my_wife_i_hope_she_miscarried.html)
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Here's another fun one from Dear Prudence:
www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2017/04/dear_prudence_i_told_my_wife_i_hope_she_miscarried.html (http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2017/04/dear_prudence_i_told_my_wife_i_hope_she_miscarried.html)
Holy shit. I...wow. I can't put together my thoughts into sentences, but they can be summed up with "divorce" and "evil".
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http://www.askamanager.org/2017/04/i-accidentally-insulted-my-bosss-daughter.html
Another AAM gem. I won't give away what the insult was (because your jaw will drop, like everyone else's), but suffice to say it was not a comment on her boss's parenting skills.
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http://www.askamanager.org/2017/04/i-accidentally-insulted-my-bosss-daughter.html
Another AAM gem. I won't give away what the insult was (because your jaw will drop, like everyone else's), but suffice to say it was not a comment on her boss's parenting skills.
Plenty of shittyness to go around on that one
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http://www.askamanager.org/2017/04/i-accidentally-insulted-my-bosss-daughter.html
Another AAM gem. I won't give away what the insult was (because your jaw will drop, like everyone else's), but suffice to say it was not a comment on her boss's parenting skills.
Plenty of shittyness to go around on that one
I gasped aloud at my desk when I read that one.
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I also have a name that has multiple spelling variants. My name happens to be spelled the most common way, but I still get plenty of misspellings.
BUT, I have to say, unasked-for nicknames rate far higher for me on the annoyance scale than misspellings. If I tell you my name is Catherine and you spell it Kathryn, we can get over that. If you call me Cathy, Kate or Katie, you're deliberately ignoring what I told you I wanted to be called.
My name can be pronounced two different ways. I've never cared which of those ways because one is a more Americanized way of pronouncing it. Sometimes people will ask how I pronounce it, so they clearly want to get it right, and even then, sometimes people repeat it back and say the other (so maybe I say it wrong!) Still, that never bothers me. But spell my name wrong, and I'm annoyed.
My good friend however used a different alphabet in his home country. People routinely spell his name wrong and he doesn't care, but if they mispronounce it, there is hell to pay. I asked him why he doesn't care if people spell it wrong and he looked at me like I was crazy and explained that his name is spelled with a bunch of squiggly lines and this English language is simply a translation/representation of that. Who's to say whether ~~~ sounds like "e" or "a".
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Ha! My Grandfather always spelled my name wrong. Christmas checks, birthday checks, and kind of check. I never said a word. He's been gone at least 25 years. Whenever I see my name spelled that way, I smile and think of him.
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I also have a name that has multiple spelling variants. My name happens to be spelled the most common way, but I still get plenty of misspellings.
BUT, I have to say, unasked-for nicknames rate far higher for me on the annoyance scale than misspellings. If I tell you my name is Catherine and you spell it Kathryn, we can get over that. If you call me Cathy, Kate or Katie, you're deliberately ignoring what I told you I wanted to be called.
This exactly. If you misspell my name once or twice, I'll ignore it. If you misspell it consistently, I'll correct you but with no hard feelings. If you call me an unsolicited nickname, I put my foot down. I actually had to do this with a coworker recently - another coworker did it by accident and stopped as soon as I told her I didn't like it, but he decided that was hilarious and ran with it. I had to actually get angry before he figured out that I meant it and stopped.
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Wow, thanks everyone for reviving this thread! I have gasped so much reading all these new posts.
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I have what I would say is a normal English name (like Mary rather than Shaneequa) that's just slightly unusual (like Cecily rather than Mary) but not way out there. So I've only ever met one other person with my name but it appears frequently enough in life and in literature that everyone's heard of it. It is somewhat alike another name and people do sometimes mishear and confuse it (like Marie rather than Mary).
If I say my name out loud and someone writes it down wrong, that's OK. If they read my name on some paper and pronounce it wrong, that's kind of OK. If I have sent an email to them with my correctly spelled name at the bottom and they repeatedly send back emails with multiple comically varying spellings of my name... MAY A WHIRLWIND OF FIRE TAKE THEM UP AND CARRY THEM OFF TO THE SPECIAL HELL FOR DISRESPECTFUL PEOPLE. Especially as my email address IS my name. I do think it is very disrespectful to spell people's names wrong when the correct spelling would take all of five seconds to check. It's one of those things like saying "Excuse me" when you burp - no one's going to die if you don't do it, but it's just something that shows respect towards those around you.
this actually annoys me, when i see my name wrong so if I am say ordering a pizza or coffee or whatever I always give my name as Sarah. Its probably unfair of me to get annoyed with people spelling my name wrong since my mum made a mistake on the birth certificate so I have an already unusual name that is then spelt weirdly. But for some reason it annoys me.
I have also mentioned to three people this week they have spelt my name wrong in emails, I dont usually mention it, but I share an office with these people and have worked with them for a few years, they usually get it right but this week all 3 got it wrong.
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Posting to follow -- very entertaining thread!
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I have a very common name with 2 very popular spellings. My senior year, my favorite college professor who I had seen at least 10 hrs/week for 3 years between classes and a club, used the incorrect spelling on a letter of recommendation. Throughout the entire thing. Ticked me off SO MUCH, but I didn't have the guts to tell her. I still haven't forgotten.
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I have a name that could apply to either gender. Got some junk mail addressed to Ms. NoStacheOhio yesterday.
Nope, nobody in this house. Also, probably nobody anywhere, since my last name is unique to my family (in the world, for real).
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I have a name that could apply to either gender. Got some junk mail addressed to Ms. NoStacheOhio yesterday.
Nope, nobody in this house. Also, probably nobody anywhere, since my last name is unique to my family (in the world, for real).
This is a pet hate of my mum.
If she and my dad were Mr Barney and Mrs Betty Rubble, she would open mail addressed to Mrs Betty Rubble, Mr Barney and Mrs Betty Rubble, or Mr and Mrs Rubble. But her mother-in-law used to send her birthday cards, etc, addressed to Mrs Barney Rubble and she said it may as well have been addressed to my dad.
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I have a name that could apply to either gender. Got some junk mail addressed to Ms. NoStacheOhio yesterday.
Nope, nobody in this house. Also, probably nobody anywhere, since my last name is unique to my family (in the world, for real).
This is a pet hate of my mum.
If she and my dad were Mr Barney and Mrs Betty Rubble, she would open mail addressed to Mrs Betty Rubble, Mr Barney and Mrs Betty Rubble, or Mr and Mrs Rubble. But her mother-in-law used to send her birthday cards, etc, addressed to Mrs Barney Rubble and she said it may as well have been addressed to my dad.
My mom does this. Mail to me is addressed to Mrs. HusbandFirst SharedLast. It's her way. I've never asked her not to and I suspect that if I did, she would change it. But it's an older, more traditional way of doing things and does no damage to me and has no ill-intent, and life is too short to dwell on things like that.
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I have what I would say is a normal English name (like Mary rather than Shaneequa) that's just slightly unusual (like Cecily rather than Mary) but not way out there. So I've only ever met one other person with my name but it appears frequently enough in life and in literature that everyone's heard of it. It is somewhat alike another name and people do sometimes mishear and confuse it (like Marie rather than Mary).
If I say my name out loud and someone writes it down wrong, that's OK. If they read my name on some paper and pronounce it wrong, that's kind of OK. If I have sent an email to them with my correctly spelled name at the bottom and they repeatedly send back emails with multiple comically varying spellings of my name... MAY A WHIRLWIND OF FIRE TAKE THEM UP AND CARRY THEM OFF TO THE SPECIAL HELL FOR DISRESPECTFUL PEOPLE. Especially as my email address IS my name. I do think it is very disrespectful to spell people's names wrong when the correct spelling would take all of five seconds to check. It's one of those things like saying "Excuse me" when you burp - no one's going to die if you don't do it, but it's just something that shows respect towards those around you.
this actually annoys me, when i see my name wrong so if I am say ordering a pizza or coffee or whatever I always give my name as Sarah. Its probably unfair of me to get annoyed with people spelling my name wrong since my mum made a mistake on the birth certificate so I have an already unusual name that is then spelt weirdly. But for some reason it annoys me.
I have also mentioned to three people this week they have spelt my name wrong in emails, I dont usually mention it, but I share an office with these people and have worked with them for a few years, they usually get it right but this week all 3 got it wrong.
My maiden mane was a Spanish name and people would address me as Dear LastName and thanks LastName doesn't happen anymore with my married name. It wasn't like my name sounded like my last name eg. Carol Rodriguez and people addressed me on name as 'Dear Rodriguez' or 'Thanks Rodriguez' weird.
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I have a name that could apply to either gender. Got some junk mail addressed to Ms. NoStacheOhio yesterday.
Nope, nobody in this house. Also, probably nobody anywhere, since my last name is unique to my family (in the world, for real).
This is a pet hate of my mum.
If she and my dad were Mr Barney and Mrs Betty Rubble, she would open mail addressed to Mrs Betty Rubble, Mr Barney and Mrs Betty Rubble, or Mr and Mrs Rubble. But her mother-in-law used to send her birthday cards, etc, addressed to Mrs Barney Rubble and she said it may as well have been addressed to my dad.
My mom does this. Mail to me is addressed to Mrs. HusbandFirst SharedLast. It's her way. I've never asked her not to and I suspect that if I did, she would change it. But it's an older, more traditional way of doing things and does no damage to me and has no ill-intent, and life is too short to dwell on things like that.
If it's coming from your mum, and you know there is no ill-will behind it, fair enough.
My mum didn't have the best relationship with her mother-in-law. Her mother-in-law once told her, "Well, every relationship needs a strong person and a weak person, that's just how it works." She was, of course, hinting that my mother should accept the role of the weaker party. My parents are equals. My dad worked away a lot when I was younger, so Mum was busy raising us kids, managing a farm, and working. But sure, psycho grandma, weaker person, whatever...
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I have a name that could apply to either gender. Got some junk mail addressed to Ms. NoStacheOhio yesterday.
Nope, nobody in this house. Also, probably nobody anywhere, since my last name is unique to my family (in the world, for real).
This is a pet hate of my mum.
If she and my dad were Mr Barney and Mrs Betty Rubble, she would open mail addressed to Mrs Betty Rubble, Mr Barney and Mrs Betty Rubble, or Mr and Mrs Rubble. But her mother-in-law used to send her birthday cards, etc, addressed to Mrs Barney Rubble and she said it may as well have been addressed to my dad.
My grandmother does this from time to time. Addresses stuff to Mrs Husbandsname Oursurname. I don't know why it bothers be so much, but it drives me absolutely insane. I am not called Husbandsname Oursurname. I am called Myname Oursurname or Myname Maidenname (I'm easy about that). Sticking a "Mrs" in front doesn't make Husbandsname into my name. INEXPLICABLE RAGE.
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My last name is also a masculine first name. I often use my last name when I sign up for things where I don't want follow up emails or phone calls, but where it's too weird to use an obviously fake email or name. So if my name were Mary Joseph, I let people think my name is Joseph (whatever). Obviously doesn't work in person, but when someone calls to ask for "Joseph" I know someone is trying to sell me something.
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http://www.askamanager.org/2017/04/i-accidentally-insulted-my-bosss-daughter.html
Another AAM gem. I won't give away what the insult was (because your jaw will drop, like everyone else's), but suffice to say it was not a comment on her boss's parenting skills.
Plenty of shittyness to go around on that one
I gasped aloud at my desk when I read that one.
Yeah! I think a decade long vow of silence would be a good start! ;)
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I have a name that could apply to either gender. Got some junk mail addressed to Ms. NoStacheOhio yesterday.
Nope, nobody in this house. Also, probably nobody anywhere, since my last name is unique to my family (in the world, for real).
This is a pet hate of my mum.
If she and my dad were Mr Barney and Mrs Betty Rubble, she would open mail addressed to Mrs Betty Rubble, Mr Barney and Mrs Betty Rubble, or Mr and Mrs Rubble. But her mother-in-law used to send her birthday cards, etc, addressed to Mrs Barney Rubble and she said it may as well have been addressed to my dad.
My grandmother does this from time to time. Addresses stuff to Mrs Husbandsname Oursurname. I don't know why it bothers be so much, but it drives me absolutely insane. I am not called Husbandsname Oursurname. I am called Myname Oursurname or Myname Maidenname (I'm easy about that). Sticking a "Mrs" in front doesn't make Husbandsname into my name. INEXPLICABLE RAGE.
As someone whose mom kept her maiden name and who plans to do the same, I don't love it, but I do know it's an old-timey tradition. From back when your identity of a married woman was completely dependent on that of her husband. And as such, Mrs. Ronald Biddleton (or whatever) was a totally legit descriptor of who you were, I guess (I'm no linguist, I don't actually know the history of the custom). Like I said, don't love it, and it would put me off from a business, etc mailing that I would expect to be more contemporary, but I would understand it from grandma...I'll probably do similarly uncouth old-timey things when I'm grandma-aged, thinking the newfangled way is just society slipping slowly over the precipice into the next dark ages.
Kind of makes me think of when we went to India and no one would talk to me, just my bf. I was like a ghost. Then I mentioned to a friend and she explained it was the polite thing to do there; locals would take it amiss if a man were to speak directly to a woman in the company of a man. The feminist part of me was still a bit ragey but more at the cultural attitude toward women, rather than the individuals (who are just behaving as politely/appropriately as they know how). As a barbaric westerner, though, I refused to STFU even knowing this.
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I have a name that could apply to either gender. Got some junk mail addressed to Ms. NoStacheOhio yesterday.
Nope, nobody in this house. Also, probably nobody anywhere, since my last name is unique to my family (in the world, for real).
This is a pet hate of my mum.
If she and my dad were Mr Barney and Mrs Betty Rubble, she would open mail addressed to Mrs Betty Rubble, Mr Barney and Mrs Betty Rubble, or Mr and Mrs Rubble. But her mother-in-law used to send her birthday cards, etc, addressed to Mrs Barney Rubble and she said it may as well have been addressed to my dad.
My grandmother does this from time to time. Addresses stuff to Mrs Husbandsname Oursurname. I don't know why it bothers be so much, but it drives me absolutely insane. I am not called Husbandsname Oursurname. I am called Myname Oursurname or Myname Maidenname (I'm easy about that). Sticking a "Mrs" in front doesn't make Husbandsname into my name. INEXPLICABLE RAGE.
I get this sometimes from people young enough to know better, like one set of friends. Their wedding invites were to us as Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirst Ourlast. Pissed me off. I have my own first mane, TYVM, and also I've never been a Mrs. of any sort, with any name, as I had a PhD when we married and use Dr. socially as well as professionally.
But okay, maybe let that slide once because wedding invites are tradition-bound anyway. But this couple, still under 30? Every year a Christmas card addressed to Mr and Mrs Hisfirst Ourlast. Now, I don't keep Christmas cards, but theirs? Trashed without opening, right in the post office.
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I get this sometimes from people young enough to know better, like one set of friends. Their wedding invites were to us as Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirst Ourlast. Pissed me off. I have my own first mane...
Is that a Rural thing? ;)
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I have a name that could apply to either gender. Got some junk mail addressed to Ms. NoStacheOhio yesterday.
Nope, nobody in this house. Also, probably nobody anywhere, since my last name is unique to my family (in the world, for real).
This is a pet hate of my mum.
If she and my dad were Mr Barney and Mrs Betty Rubble, she would open mail addressed to Mrs Betty Rubble, Mr Barney and Mrs Betty Rubble, or Mr and Mrs Rubble. But her mother-in-law used to send her birthday cards, etc, addressed to Mrs Barney Rubble and she said it may as well have been addressed to my dad.
My grandmother does this from time to time. Addresses stuff to Mrs Husbandsname Oursurname. I don't know why it bothers be so much, but it drives me absolutely insane. I am not called Husbandsname Oursurname. I am called Myname Oursurname or Myname Maidenname (I'm easy about that). Sticking a "Mrs" in front doesn't make Husbandsname into my name. INEXPLICABLE RAGE.
I get this sometimes from people young enough to know better, like one set of friends. Their wedding invites were to us as Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirst Ourlast. Pissed me off. I have my own first mane, TYVM, and also I've never been a Mrs. of any sort, with any name, as I had a PhD when we married and use Dr. socially as well as professionally.
But okay, maybe let that slide once because wedding invites are tradition-bound anyway. But this couple, still under 30? Every year a Christmas card addressed to Mr and Mrs Hisfirst Ourlast. Now, I don't keep Christmas cards, but theirs? Trashed without opening, right in the post office.
There is a chance that they're really just trying to use proper etiquette, and don't know that it would upset anyone.
I know when we got married, we weren't sure of the proper way to do it. So, we just googled it. The most common etiquette found online is to use Mr & Mrs Hisfirst Ourlast.
I do believe you're supposed to put Dr. Her & Mr. His if the woman is a Doctor though. Do they know you're a Doctor?
https://www.weddingpaperdivas.com/how-to-address-wedding-invitations.htm (https://www.weddingpaperdivas.com/how-to-address-wedding-invitations.htm)
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No matter what the most common or "most proper" etiquette says, the polite thing to do is address people how they wish to be addressed. If someone goes by Dr then is is rude to call them Mrs.
It's a dangerous road to hark back to what was considered polite 200 years ago as if we haven't learned anything since then.
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No matter what the most common or "most proper" etiquette says, the polite thing to do is address people how they wish to be addressed. If someone goes by Dr then is is rude to call them Mrs.
It's a dangerous road to hark back to what was considered polite 200 years ago as if we haven't learned anything since then.
Yes, but do you know how everyone wants to be addressed? Did this person know that Rural has a PhD? Perhaps they do. Perhaps they don't. Perhaps they really are clueless that the naming would bother anyone, so it isn't something they have thought about.
If you want to be addressed in a certain way, just politely ask the person to address you that way in the future. If they continue to address you the "wrong" way, then you can be upset.
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As a historical etiquette geek, it would make my day to meet someone who goes by the Victorian convention of Mrs. MaidenName MarriedName for a divorced woman. Although I just came across an Emily Post mention from the 1920s that if a divorced woman were the "innocent party," she was allowed to keep going by Mrs. Husband'sFirstName MarriedName as during her marriage. No word on who gets to decide the "innocent party"...
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As a historical etiquette geek, it would make my day to meet someone who goes by the Victorian convention of Mrs. MaidenName MarriedName for a divorced woman. Although I just came across an Emily Post mention from the 1920s that if a divorced woman were the "innocent party," she was allowed to keep going by Mrs. Husband'sFirstName MarriedName as during her marriage. No word on who gets to decide the "innocent party"...
From my DW's obsessive digging through ancestry.com... It appears as if divorcing women were assigned a "divorce master" to handle this things for the pretty little lady.
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No matter what the most common or "most proper" etiquette says, the polite thing to do is address people how they wish to be addressed. If someone goes by Dr then is is rude to call them Mrs.
It's a dangerous road to hark back to what was considered polite 200 years ago as if we haven't learned anything since then.
Yes, but do you know how everyone wants to be addressed? Did this person know that Rural has a PhD? Perhaps they do. Perhaps they don't. Perhaps they really are clueless that the naming would bother anyone, so it isn't something they have thought about.
If you want to be addressed in a certain way, just politely ask the person to address you that way in the future. If they continue to address you the "wrong" way, then you can be upset.
They do know about the Ph.D. but possibly not the preferred title since we've always been very much on first name terms. But that does mean they know my first name is not "John" (for example) but "Jane," (for example).
So, like I said, wedding invite, okay, maybe they're just being Bridezilla/ Groomzilla and I'll ignore. But Christmas cards? Every year? That's just weird and makes me wonder if our friends (or at least the wife, whose handwriting is on the envelopes) has been infected with one of the more rabid "man is the head of the house as God is the head of the church" religions that are far too common around here. They've moved a couple hundred miles away, so it could have happened without my knowing.
MPH, I have no reasonable explanation for the "first mane," so I'm going with your interpretation. :)
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I have a name that could apply to either gender. Got some junk mail addressed to Ms. NoStacheOhio yesterday.
Nope, nobody in this house. Also, probably nobody anywhere, since my last name is unique to my family (in the world, for real).
This is a pet hate of my mum.
If she and my dad were Mr Barney and Mrs Betty Rubble, she would open mail addressed to Mrs Betty Rubble, Mr Barney and Mrs Betty Rubble, or Mr and Mrs Rubble. But her mother-in-law used to send her birthday cards, etc, addressed to Mrs Barney Rubble and she said it may as well have been addressed to my dad.
My grandmother does this from time to time. Addresses stuff to Mrs Husbandsname Oursurname. I don't know why it bothers be so much, but it drives me absolutely insane. I am not called Husbandsname Oursurname. I am called Myname Oursurname or Myname Maidenname (I'm easy about that). Sticking a "Mrs" in front doesn't make Husbandsname into my name. INEXPLICABLE RAGE.
As someone whose mom kept her maiden name and who plans to do the same, I don't love it, but I do know it's an old-timey tradition. From back when your identity of a married woman was completely dependent on that of her husband. And as such, Mrs. Ronald Biddleton (or whatever) was a totally legit descriptor of who you were, I guess (I'm no linguist, I don't actually know the history of the custom). Like I said, don't love it, and it would put me off from a business, etc mailing that I would expect to be more contemporary, but I would understand it from grandma...I'll probably do similarly uncouth old-timey things when I'm grandma-aged, thinking the newfangled way is just society slipping slowly over the precipice into the next dark ages.
Kind of makes me think of when we went to India and no one would talk to me, just my bf. I was like a ghost. Then I mentioned to a friend and she explained it was the polite thing to do there; locals would take it amiss if a man were to speak directly to a woman in the company of a man. The feminist part of me was still a bit ragey but more at the cultural attitude toward women, rather than the individuals (who are just behaving as politely/appropriately as they know how). As a barbaric westerner, though, I refused to STFU even knowing this.
In the UK and similar places: yes. In the Nordic countries, it was just something that became fashionable in the 1950s, and then went out of fashion again in the 70s. The traditional way here was either that both took the name of the farm they were living on, or that they used patro- or matronyms (Peterson, Petersdaughter). Often they used the two in combination: my grandfather came from a village where everyone has the same last name. To separate the farms and families, they use "Peter Peterson Village", or "Martha Oledaughter Village". Those people would be from the Peter farm and the Ole farm, respectively. The next village over, they were a bit more inventive: Their last names literally translate to "Upper farm", "Lower farm", "Eastern farm", etc.
With that as background: my FIL is the only one who has adressed me with DH's name. I don't know if it was the stunned silence, or if DH has a quiet talk with him, but it only happened once and he has later tried to re-wrap it as a joke.
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It's only a joke if everyone's laughing.
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I have a name that could apply to either gender. Got some junk mail addressed to Ms. NoStacheOhio yesterday.
Nope, nobody in this house. Also, probably nobody anywhere, since my last name is unique to my family (in the world, for real).
This is a pet hate of my mum.
If she and my dad were Mr Barney and Mrs Betty Rubble, she would open mail addressed to Mrs Betty Rubble, Mr Barney and Mrs Betty Rubble, or Mr and Mrs Rubble. But her mother-in-law used to send her birthday cards, etc, addressed to Mrs Barney Rubble and she said it may as well have been addressed to my dad.
My grandmother does this from time to time. Addresses stuff to Mrs Husbandsname Oursurname. I don't know why it bothers be so much, but it drives me absolutely insane. I am not called Husbandsname Oursurname. I am called Myname Oursurname or Myname Maidenname (I'm easy about that). Sticking a "Mrs" in front doesn't make Husbandsname into my name. INEXPLICABLE RAGE.
I get this sometimes from people young enough to know better, like one set of friends. Their wedding invites were to us as Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirst Ourlast. Pissed me off. I have my own first mane, TYVM, and also I've never been a Mrs. of any sort, with any name, as I had a PhD when we married and use Dr. socially as well as professionally.
But okay, maybe let that slide once because wedding invites are tradition-bound anyway. But this couple, still under 30? Every year a Christmas card addressed to Mr and Mrs Hisfirst Ourlast. Now, I don't keep Christmas cards, but theirs? Trashed without opening, right in the post office.
I have an excel file with all the addresses, etc, and I do a mail merge every year for Christmas cards. I have "David and Mary Doe", or sometimes "Mary and David Doe", not "Mr and Mrs David Doe". But if you don't like it or it's wrong, unless I change the excel file it's that way year after year. No one has complained about the names at least.
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From Dear Prudence (http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2017/05/dear_prudence_is_birthday_spanking_still_a_thing.html)
I recently got a pretty good job and I live with my fiancée, who also makes a good amount of money. We’re living a pretty comfortable middle-class life. Many of my friends are still in school or not in career-type jobs. Several times it’s come up that I propose an outing or activity and they come up with something cheaper. Is it rude for me to insist for things like going out to a restaurant for brunch if they want to stay in and make food? It’s a nicer atmosphere and I think more fun not to have to do dishes afterward. Is it unfair for me to ask them to spend a little money?
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From Dear Prudence (http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2017/05/dear_prudence_is_birthday_spanking_still_a_thing.html)
I recently got a pretty good job and I live with my fiancée, who also makes a good amount of money. We’re living a pretty comfortable middle-class life. Many of my friends are still in school or not in career-type jobs. Several times it’s come up that I propose an outing or activity and they come up with something cheaper. Is it rude for me to insist for things like going out to a restaurant for brunch if they want to stay in and make food? It’s a nicer atmosphere and I think more fun not to have to do dishes afterward. Is it unfair for me to ask them to spend a little money?
Oy vey. Sure, it's okay for you to ask. But it's okay for them to say no and probably stop inviting you to things, too.
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Another AAM Gem - CEO's wife ruined my job prospects. (http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/ceos-wife-ruined-my-job-prospects.html)
Because when you're a rude jerk, it's everyone else's fault.
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Another AAM Gem - CEO's wife ruined my job prospects. (http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/ceos-wife-ruined-my-job-prospects.html)
Because when you're a rude jerk, it's everyone else's fault.
Wow. Something tells me this guy didn't lose the job because he pissed off the CEO's wife, but instead because he behaved similarly to others in the office (i.e., those he considered "beneath him"). Like they say, beauty is skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
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Not sure it is a guy in the story.
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MAY A WHIRLWIND OF FIRE TAKE THEM UP AND CARRY THEM OFF TO THE SPECIAL HELL FOR DISRESPECTFUL PEOPLE.
My name has an 'a' at the end, which makes it 3 syllables, not 2. So does my SIL's name (different than mine though.) For 38 years, my MIL has called me by the wrong name. Although not much different than my name, it IS different. I do not like this 2 syllable name! She knows that. My parents took a lot of time and thought naming me, and I rather like my name. For 35 years, MIL has also called my SIL a short form of her name that she absolutely hates. MIL has a Czech name that is tricky to spell, and unusual to pronounce. And yet, SIL and I both have mastered HER name. She wonders why her relationships with her children's spouses are not good. (it's not just about the names, but holy hell, our names are not difficult!)
Just spent the weekend with my MIL. 44 YEARS and she still hasn't bothered to learn how to say her grand-daughter's name yet.
She is making progress, though. She commented on how nice her grand-daughter is and how her grand-daughter had never given her a hug before. That particular conversation ended abruptly when my lovely bride pointed out that MIL had never actually spoken to her before this visit...
Thank God I'm home.
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I had forgotten about this thread! P2F!
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There's an update (http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/update-ceos-wife-ruined-my-job-prospects.html#comment-1558484) to the "CEO's Wife" AAM post, and... well, I'll be honest, it was just what I was expecting.
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There's an update (http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/update-ceos-wife-ruined-my-job-prospects.html#comment-1558484) to the "CEO's Wife" AAM post, and... well, I'll be honest, it was just what I was expecting.
Holy Shit.
This person is so amazingly out of touch. They needed to be TOLD to be polite to receptionists/janitors/security guards? Wow.
Love how they interject that all levels of social classes - not just the pleebs, but also her/his hoity-toity level - use the subway system! Imagine!
And of course OP was too impatient to wait to see if anyone else outside their narrow-worldview social circle might have a differing opinion on what they should do - and went ahead and complained to the HR people AND is leaving a comment on the website... breath-takingly entitled.
I'll bet that company is quite relieved to have dodged that bullet.
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I wish I had been told the receptionist/janitor/security guard story by career services at my university, which is one of those prestigious English ones. (Note from Alison: This is a reference to advice that you should be polite to receptionists/janitors/security guards when interviewing.) We get a lot of tips about how to write our resume and cover letter and how we should conduct ourselves during interviews, but not this type of real life recommendation.
Wow. That almost sounds sociopathic. Paraphrasing, "I would start being nice to people if I knew it would affect my promotion possibilities!" So there's noooo other reason that comes to mind for being a decent human being? Really?
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There's an update (http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/update-ceos-wife-ruined-my-job-prospects.html#comment-1558484) to the "CEO's Wife" AAM post, and... well, I'll be honest, it was just what I was expecting.
Oh man. What does it say about a person that they wish someone had told them that being an ass to others reflects poorly on them...?
Btw thanks for the "upvote" on the other thread, and I did watch the John Oliver bit and it was great :)
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Btw thanks for the "upvote" on the other thread, and I did watch the John Oliver bit and it was great :)
:D
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Lol, yep, still someone else's fault he (or she) didn't get the job . . . just now the career services people are also to be blamed for not providing the necessary "don't be an asshole" unit of the curriculum.
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Lol, yep, still someone else's fault he (or she) didn't get the job . . . just now the career services people are also to be blamed for not providing the necessary "don't be an asshole" unit of the curriculum.
You know, you might be on to something. Except we need it every year, K-12. Since apparently parents aren't teaching it at home anymore.
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I wish I had been told the receptionist/janitor/security guard story by career services at my university, which is one of those prestigious English ones. (Note from Alison: This is a reference to advice that you should be polite to receptionists/janitors/security guards when interviewing.) We get a lot of tips about how to write our resume and cover letter and how we should conduct ourselves during interviews, but not this type of real life recommendation.
Wow. That almost sounds sociopathic. Paraphrasing, "I would start being nice to people if I knew it would affect my promotion possibilities!" So there's noooo other reason that comes to mind for being a decent human being? Really?
In addition to the OP seeming like a jerk, he also came across as being rather stupid and unimaginative. If you're going to be a boor, you might as well be intelligent enough to foresee that people might not like it and therefore be nice to people for self-serving reasons.
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Lol, yep, still someone else's fault he (or she) didn't get the job . . . just now the career services people are also to be blamed for not providing the necessary "don't be an asshole" unit of the curriculum.
You know, you might be on to something. Except we need it every year, K-12. Since apparently parents aren't teaching it at home anymore.
I can't speak for all UK universities but I've been reminded of the need to be polite, especially when interviewing, many a time. All those times I thought "do people actually need to be told this?" and now I know!
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Lol, yep, still someone else's fault he (or she) didn't get the job . . . just now the career services people are also to be blamed for not providing the necessary "don't be an asshole" unit of the curriculum.
You know, you might be on to something. Except we need it every year, K-12. Since apparently parents aren't teaching it at home anymore.
I can't speak for all UK universities but I've been reminded of the need to be polite, especially when interviewing, many a time. All those times I thought "do people actually need to be told this?" and now I know!
Yes but was it a prestigious one like the OPs?
Someone in the comments raised a good point/question and thought that the OP was a foreign exchange student where there are strict class differences and talking/being polite to those "beneath" you is Not A Thing. It's not an excuse, since OP clearly plans on working and living in a different culture, but it could be a reason.
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I wish I had been told the receptionist/janitor/security guard story by career services at my university, which is one of those prestigious English ones. (Note from Alison: This is a reference to advice that you should be polite to receptionists/janitors/security guards when interviewing.) We get a lot of tips about how to write our resume and cover letter and how we should conduct ourselves during interviews, but not this type of real life recommendation.
Wow. That almost sounds sociopathic. Paraphrasing, "I would start being nice to people if I knew it would affect my promotion possibilities!" So there's noooo other reason that comes to mind for being a decent human being? Really?
In addition to the OP seeming like a jerk, he also came across as being rather stupid and unimaginative. If you're going to be a boor, you might as well be intelligent enough to foresee that people might not like it and therefore be nice to people for self-serving reasons.
Sometimes I question my motives when I do something selfless or empathetic, there's definitely selfish benefits to it.
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Posting to follow :)
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There's an update (http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/update-ceos-wife-ruined-my-job-prospects.html#comment-1558484) to the "CEO's Wife" AAM post, and... well, I'll be honest, it was just what I was expecting.
Holy Shit.
This person is so amazingly out of touch. They needed to be TOLD to be polite to receptionists/janitors/security guards? Wow.
Love how they interject that all levels of social classes - not just the pleebs, but also her/his hoity-toity level - use the subway system! Imagine!
And of course OP was too impatient to wait to see if anyone else outside their narrow-worldview social circle might have a differing opinion on what they should do - and went ahead and complained to the HR people AND is leaving a comment on the website... breath-takingly entitled.
I'll bet that company is quite relieved to have dodged that bullet.
If I were the company, I would be very, very tempted to respond thanking him for confirming our decision.
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Lol, yep, still someone else's fault he (or she) didn't get the job . . . just now the career services people are also to be blamed for not providing the necessary "don't be an asshole" unit of the curriculum.
You know, you might be on to something. Except we need it every year, K-12. Since apparently parents aren't teaching it at home anymore.
I can't speak for all UK universities but I've been reminded of the need to be polite, especially when interviewing, many a time. All those times I thought "do people actually need to be told this?" and now I know!
Yes but was it a prestigious one like the OPs?
Someone in the comments raised a good point/question and thought that the OP was a foreign exchange student where there are strict class differences and talking/being polite to those "beneath" you is Not A Thing. It's not an excuse, since OP clearly plans on working and living in a different culture, but it could be a reason.
If you consider Oxford a prestigious university then yes.
Of course, I don't go around bragging about it online like the OP because I try to limit the amount of time I spend being a smug arsehole (I'm taking a break in this post :-) ).
A reasonable person would struggle to spend three years (minimum for an undergraduate degree) in the UK and not have the opportunity to learn that being polite to people "beneath" you is typical behaviour. Depending on their background they could still have struggled to internalise it in a new situation.
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I'll bet that company is quite relieved to have dodged that bullet.
If I were the company, I would be very, very tempted to respond thanking him for confirming our decision.
I did the same thing when someone demanded to know why they hadn't been invited to my wedding. You haven't been invited because you are the kind of person who demands an invite to someone else's wedding, Jackass.
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Lol, yep, still someone else's fault he (or she) didn't get the job . . . just now the career services people are also to be blamed for not providing the necessary "don't be an asshole" unit of the curriculum.
You know, you might be on to something. Except we need it every year, K-12. Since apparently parents aren't teaching it at home anymore.
I can't speak for all UK universities but I've been reminded of the need to be polite, especially when interviewing, many a time. All those times I thought "do people actually need to be told this?" and now I know!
Yes but was it a prestigious one like the OPs?
Someone in the comments raised a good point/question and thought that the OP was a foreign exchange student where there are strict class differences and talking/being polite to those "beneath" you is Not A Thing. It's not an excuse, since OP clearly plans on working and living in a different culture, but it could be a reason.
If you consider Oxford a prestigious university then yes.
Of course, I don't go around bragging about it online like the OP because I try to limit the amount of time I spend being a smug arsehole (I'm taking a break in this post :-) ).
A reasonable person would struggle to spend three years (minimum for an undergraduate degree) in the UK and not have the opportunity to learn that being polite to people "beneath" you is typical behaviour. Depending on their background they could still have struggled to internalise it in a new situation.
Cambridge. Even more prestigious. :) They told us. (I know you were joking, Lis.)
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Another AAM gem:
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/i-was-fired-after-disabling-my-coworkers-caps-lock-key-leaving-on-time-to-pick-up-my-dog-and-more.html
“I, a teenage summer intern, discovered that my older, more experienced colleague was Guilty of Incorrect Typing. This woman was using the Caps Lock key instead of the twice-as-efficient Shift key. I repeatedly pointed out how wrong it was for her to be typing in this way, even demonstrating the potential efficiency gains. But she insisted that she would continue to type using the plodding, lethargic style she was comfortable with.
“Did I mention she’s only five years older than me? As most realize, there isn’t much of a difference between a college sophomore and a young professional in her first job. Yet she was unwilling to accept correction from me, one of her peers.
“I finally realized the best way to teach her would be to secretly disable the Caps Lock key on her computer. That way, she would have no choice but to join the twenty-first century and start using the Shift key like the rest of us. I knew she would thank me after the passage of enough time.
“Surprisingly, she became very angry with my secret efficiency initiative and complained to her manager. They had the nerve to fire me for my corrective initiative! When I complained to HR about the treatment, HR took the side of the Stone Age Caps Lock user. Groupthink I guess!"
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Another AAM gem:
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/i-was-fired-after-disabling-my-coworkers-caps-lock-key-leaving-on-time-to-pick-up-my-dog-and-more.html
“I, a teenage summer intern, discovered that my older, more experienced colleague was Guilty of Incorrect Typing. This woman was using the Caps Lock key instead of the twice-as-efficient Shift key. I repeatedly pointed out how wrong it was for her to be typing in this way, even demonstrating the potential efficiency gains. But she insisted that she would continue to type using the plodding, lethargic style she was comfortable with.
“Did I mention she’s only five years older than me? As most realize, there isn’t much of a difference between a college sophomore and a young professional in her first job. Yet she was unwilling to accept correction from me, one of her peers.
“I finally realized the best way to teach her would be to secretly disable the Caps Lock key on her computer. That way, she would have no choice but to join the twenty-first century and start using the Shift key like the rest of us. I knew she would thank me after the passage of enough time.
“Surprisingly, she became very angry with my secret efficiency initiative and complained to her manager. They had the nerve to fire me for my corrective initiative! When I complained to HR about the treatment, HR took the side of the Stone Age Caps Lock user. Groupthink I guess!"
Great find, and beautiful paraphrasing! I wonder how the letter writer would have reacted to someone who types using just index fingers?
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I'm having a very difficult time imagining what it must be like to care so much about how other people capitalize letters when they are typing. My imagination is not so well developed.
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I once corrected an error in someone's email signature ("effect" when they meant "affect") when I was applying for work experience when I was about nineteen. Nicely ("Just to let you know, I noticed...") but they sent a pretty sharp email back. I still got to do the work experience, but that ranks up there in "biggest regrets of my life". I spent the whole two weeks desperately hoping they wouldn't remember I was "that girl" from the email exchange six months before. I don't think they did and they seemed to like me, but I was dying inside. I was saw an entry-level job advertised when I graduated but I was still so humiliated I didn't apply.
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I once corrected an error in someone's email signature ("effect" when they meant "affect") when I was applying for work experience when I was about nineteen. Nicely ("Just to let you know, I noticed...") but they sent a pretty sharp email back. I still got to do the work experience, but that ranks up there in "biggest regrets of my life". I spent the whole two weeks desperately hoping they wouldn't remember I was "that girl" from the email exchange six months before. I don't think they did and they seemed to like me, but I was dying inside. I was saw an entry-level job advertised when I graduated but I was still so humiliated I didn't apply.
That sounds like their problem more than yours. If no one ever points out (obviously minor) error in your resume, signature block, etc, how will you know? Who cares if it was an applicant rather than a superior, if they were right? Maybe it wasn't 100% your place to point it out, but it was also 100% silly of them to react negatively when you were obviously trying to be helpful.
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I once corrected an error in someone's email signature ("effect" when they meant "affect") when I was applying for work experience when I was about nineteen. Nicely ("Just to let you know, I noticed...") but they sent a pretty sharp email back. I still got to do the work experience, but that ranks up there in "biggest regrets of my life". I spent the whole two weeks desperately hoping they wouldn't remember I was "that girl" from the email exchange six months before. I don't think they did and they seemed to like me, but I was dying inside. I was saw an entry-level job advertised when I graduated but I was still so humiliated I didn't apply.
That sounds like their problem more than yours. If no one ever points out (obviously minor) error in your resume, signature block, etc, how will you know? Who cares if it was an applicant rather than a superior, if they were right? Maybe it wasn't 100% your place to point it out, but it was also 100% silly of them to react negatively when you were obviously trying to be helpful.
+1. A one-time error should be ignored, but something consistent that will affect others' perceptions should be pointed out delicately. After we changed our email signature layout at OldJob, I actually had to tell our IT guy that he had misspelled his own first name, haha. (No, he doesn't have an uncommon spelling. I had seen him write it before; this was just a typo.)
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I once corrected an error in someone's email signature ("effect" when they meant "affect") when I was applying for work experience when I was about nineteen. Nicely ("Just to let you know, I noticed...") but they sent a pretty sharp email back. I still got to do the work experience, but that ranks up there in "biggest regrets of my life". I spent the whole two weeks desperately hoping they wouldn't remember I was "that girl" from the email exchange six months before. I don't think they did and they seemed to like me, but I was dying inside. I was saw an entry-level job advertised when I graduated but I was still so humiliated I didn't apply.
That sounds like their problem more than yours. If no one ever points out (obviously minor) error in your resume, signature block, etc, how will you know? Who cares if it was an applicant rather than a superior, if they were right? Maybe it wasn't 100% your place to point it out, but it was also 100% silly of them to react negatively when you were obviously trying to be helpful.
+1. A one-time error should be ignored, but something consistent that will affect others' perceptions should be pointed out delicately. After we changed our email signature layout at OldJob, I actually had to tell our IT guy that he had misspelled his own first name, haha. (No, he doesn't have an uncommon spelling. I had seen him write it before; this was just a typo.)
It was a while ago so I don't remember what I wrote, but I was eighteen and while I'm sure it felt like I was trying to be helpful there was a fair chance I was in fact being a sanctimonious butthead.
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I once corrected an error in someone's email signature ("effect" when they meant "affect") when I was applying for work experience when I was about nineteen. Nicely ("Just to let you know, I noticed...") but they sent a pretty sharp email back. I still got to do the work experience, but that ranks up there in "biggest regrets of my life". I spent the whole two weeks desperately hoping they wouldn't remember I was "that girl" from the email exchange six months before. I don't think they did and they seemed to like me, but I was dying inside. I was saw an entry-level job advertised when I graduated but I was still so humiliated I didn't apply.
That sounds like their problem more than yours. If no one ever points out (obviously minor) error in your resume, signature block, etc, how will you know? Who cares if it was an applicant rather than a superior, if they were right? Maybe it wasn't 100% your place to point it out, but it was also 100% silly of them to react negatively when you were obviously trying to be helpful.
+1. A one-time error should be ignored, but something consistent that will affect others' perceptions should be pointed out delicately. After we changed our email signature layout at OldJob, I actually had to tell our IT guy that he had misspelled his own first name, haha. (No, he doesn't have an uncommon spelling. I had seen him write it before; this was just a typo.)
It was a while ago so I don't remember what I wrote, but I was eighteen and while I'm sure it felt like I was trying to be helpful there was a fair chance I was in fact being a sanctimonious butthead.
I was definitely that overeager young new coworker who could fix everything! Why do it this way, when that way would be more efficient? Did you know you could do this and it would make everything easier? Thankfully *most* of my coworkers laughed it off and helped me settle into a functioning, mostly helpful young employee who eventually realized that not everything needed to be 'fixed' and that things were done a certain way for reasons I may not understand yet as a new person. Four years in and I still blush at some of the suggestions I made. (One of my coworkers *hates* me and I've never been able to figure out why, which affected me when I was on her team, but now that I'm off it's more funny than hurtful (except when I have to work with her, then it's just a nightmare.))
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I once corrected an error in someone's email signature ("effect" when they meant "affect") when I was applying for work experience when I was about nineteen. Nicely ("Just to let you know, I noticed...") but they sent a pretty sharp email back. I still got to do the work experience, but that ranks up there in "biggest regrets of my life". I spent the whole two weeks desperately hoping they wouldn't remember I was "that girl" from the email exchange six months before. I don't think they did and they seemed to like me, but I was dying inside. I was saw an entry-level job advertised when I graduated but I was still so humiliated I didn't apply.
That sounds like their problem more than yours. If no one ever points out (obviously minor) error in your resume, signature block, etc, how will you know? Who cares if it was an applicant rather than a superior, if they were right? Maybe it wasn't 100% your place to point it out, but it was also 100% silly of them to react negatively when you were obviously trying to be helpful.
+1. A one-time error should be ignored, but something consistent that will affect others' perceptions should be pointed out delicately. After we changed our email signature layout at OldJob, I actually had to tell our IT guy that he had misspelled his own first name, haha. (No, he doesn't have an uncommon spelling. I had seen him write it before; this was just a typo.)
It was a while ago so I don't remember what I wrote, but I was eighteen and while I'm sure it felt like I was trying to be helpful there was a fair chance I was in fact being a sanctimonious butthead.
To be fair, I think most teenagers are sanctimonious buttheads. The key is growing out of it.
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Cambridge. Even more prestigious. :) They told us. (I know you were joking, Lis.)
Bother, Top Trumped at fancy universities. I heard Lis's joke too, I was attempting funny in return but maybe it missed? [The other smug arsehole was the AAM OP]
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I just ran into this older Ask A Manager post:
can I expose this terrible interviewer? (http://www.askamanager.org/2013/06/can-i-expose-this-terrible-interviewer.html)
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I just ran into this older Ask A Manager post:
can I expose this terrible interviewer? (http://www.askamanager.org/2013/06/can-i-expose-this-terrible-interviewer.html)
My favourite line: "Clearly, he is the one with the problem".
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I just ran into this older Ask A Manager post:
can I expose this terrible interviewer? (http://www.askamanager.org/2013/06/can-i-expose-this-terrible-interviewer.html)
My favourite line: "Clearly, he is the one with the problem".
Ick, that job applicant has such a nightmare personality!
And then, in case you missed it in the comments section, Ask A Manager actually ended up banning the OP for a week! "The letter-writer became hostile and angry enough that I ultimately ended up banning him from further commenting here for a week."
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I just ran into this older Ask A Manager post:
can I expose this terrible interviewer? (http://www.askamanager.org/2013/06/can-i-expose-this-terrible-interviewer.html)
My favourite line: "Clearly, he is the one with the problem".
Ick, that job applicant has such a nightmare personality!
And then, in case you missed it in the comments section, Ask A Manager actually ended up banning the OP for a week! "The letter-writer became hostile and angry enough that I ultimately ended up banning him from further commenting here for a week."
Well Ask A Manager clearly has an attitude problem too. Maybe she needs some training in people skills. /s
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Found this after digging into threads off of the last link:
http://www.askamanager.org/2013/10/being-intentionally-late-to-an-interview-as-a-strategy.html (http://www.askamanager.org/2013/10/being-intentionally-late-to-an-interview-as-a-strategy.html)
Arriving late to interviews on purpose?!?
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I just ran into this older Ask A Manager post:
can I expose this terrible interviewer? (http://www.askamanager.org/2013/06/can-i-expose-this-terrible-interviewer.html)
My favourite line: "Clearly, he is the one with the problem".
Ick, that job applicant has such a nightmare personality!
And then, in case you missed it in the comments section, Ask A Manager actually ended up banning the OP for a week! "The letter-writer became hostile and angry enough that I ultimately ended up banning him from further commenting here for a week."
I think they both have nightmare personalities, and possibly deserved each other. The interviewer reminds me of a number of professors I've met who mistake being difficult (on a personality level) for challenging the candidate (on an intellectual level). I also totally believe a person like that would eyeroll/grumble at any mention of ethics. On the other hand, the candidate totally comes off as entitled and high-maintenance (as do people who write similar restaurant reviews...)
An experience that comes to mind is, at my first-ever poster session (at an undergrad research symposium) one of our judges got bored a whopping 10 seconds after we started our 2-3 minute presentation/spiel, interrupted, asked about something in our results as we were barely finishing our introduction, got confused (because we had skipped half of the presentation!), we backtracked to clarify, he kept interrupting and asking questions about other parts of the poster...and in the end he had the gall to say our presentation was "disorganized" or "disjointed" or something. VERY frustrating experience. Interviewer reminded me of him.
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Found this after digging into threads off of the last link:
http://www.askamanager.org/2013/10/being-intentionally-late-to-an-interview-as-a-strategy.html (http://www.askamanager.org/2013/10/being-intentionally-late-to-an-interview-as-a-strategy.html)
Arriving late to interviews on purpose?!?
That's actually a repost of a 2009 letter. The OP responded to the comments in 2009 and s(he) is exactly what you'd expect.
http://www.askamanager.org/2009/08/being-intentionally-late-to-interview.html
My favorite part is when s(he) comments that people don't value personal integrity.
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Since this thread seems to have become 100% Ask A Manager, here's a gem from today:
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/is-the-work-environment-ive-created-on-my-team-too-exclusive.html
Make sure to read the OP's elaboration in the comments:
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/is-the-work-environment-ive-created-on-my-team-too-exclusive.html#comment-1572938
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Make sure to read the OP's elaboration in the comments:
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/is-the-work-environment-ive-created-on-my-team-too-exclusive.html#comment-1572938
:-O Yikes!
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Make sure to read the OP's elaboration in the comments:
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/is-the-work-environment-ive-created-on-my-team-too-exclusive.html#comment-1572938
:-O Yikes!
Double yikes - this "manager" is horrid. I hope HR pays attention (HAHAHA! who am I kidding!)
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Since this thread seems to have become 100% Ask A Manager, here's a gem from today:
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/is-the-work-environment-ive-created-on-my-team-too-exclusive.html
Make sure to read the OP's elaboration in the comments:
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/is-the-work-environment-ive-created-on-my-team-too-exclusive.html#comment-1572938
I took a training course on workplace harassment about one hour ago, and damn, does this person need one of those. Textbook case. I hope it's fake. I was a first-time manager around 27/28 and I was never that oblivious and vindictive.
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I scrolled down through the comments to find that she's also talking about how she's "better educated" than the employee who left, because she has an MBA...
Wow. This is a(n) good awful one.
Edited he to she. Allison mentioned in the comments that OP is a female, not a male, based on the e-mail address used.
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Make sure to read the OP's elaboration in the comments:
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/is-the-work-environment-ive-created-on-my-team-too-exclusive.html#comment-1572938
:-O Yikes!
Double yikes - this "manager" is horrid. I hope HR pays attention (HAHAHA! who am I kidding!)
The only good thing the letter writer wrote is her admission in the comments that HR put her on suspension pending investigation.
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Make sure to read the OP's elaboration in the comments:
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/is-the-work-environment-ive-created-on-my-team-too-exclusive.html#comment-1572938
:-O Yikes!
Double yikes - this "manager" is horrid. I hope HR pays attention (HAHAHA! who am I kidding!)
The only good thing the letter writer wrote is her admission in the comments that HR put her on suspension pending investigation.
FFS... I read this this morning and thought, ok, this manager is at the very least asking for advice. The letter definitely read "tell me I'm right" but maybe there's a small chance they're willing to hear they're wrong. I read a lot of the comments and (like usual) appreciated the insight to most of the commentators, but I missed the letter writer's response, and all I could think of was, "are you fucking kidding me??"
- Your team was behaving in an extremely hostile, bullying, unprofessional, and overall shitty way. They a) took pictures of another employee and b) posted it to social media and c) made fun "of her weight, her clothes/style, how much water she drank etc." HUGE FUCKING PROBLEM.
- Someone saw it and found it not funny and complained to HR (RIGHTLY FUCKING SO). Yet you want to penalize them. First of all, no. Second of all, there are usually whistleblower rules protecting this person. Third, you're a fucking idiot.
- "If I knew she would have been like this, I would have pushed back on my director not to hire her in favor for someone younger but she had a fantastic background that wowed my higher ups." What the actual fuck. Translated from douchebag: "If I knew she would have cramped our style and prevented us from having our dudebro fun by day drinking and participating in general assholery, I would have had a temper tantrum at my boss, but because she actually knew how to do her job and would probably make us do our jobs, my boss hired her anyway."
You're the reason millennials in the work place get a bad rep, asshat.
Edited to add: oh wait, out of all the comments the LW could have responded to, they made a comment regarding how they're so much better educated because they have an MBA versus just the Bachelors in public policy the colleague who left had.
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You're the reason millennials in the work place get a bad rep, asshat.
But . . . but . . . she had an MBA, and the old-fart fun-killer only had a Bachelors! So she *must* be right! Right? Right??
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Well, I was just reading this thread, then saw this on FB. I think it qualifies.
http://www.boredpanda.com/mom-breast-milk-brownies-school-bake-sale/?utm_source=CB20&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=SAW
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You're the reason millennials in the work place get a bad rep, asshat.
But . . . but . . . she had an MBA, and the old-fart fun-killer only had a Bachelors! So she *must* be right! Right? Right??
Which probably means the one with the Bachelors probably has double or triple the amount of experience the MBA has in the real world.
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Make sure to read the OP's elaboration in the comments:
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/is-the-work-environment-ive-created-on-my-team-too-exclusive.html#comment-1572938
:-O Yikes!
Double yikes - this "manager" is horrid. I hope HR pays attention (HAHAHA! who am I kidding!)
The only good thing the letter writer wrote is her admission in the comments that HR put her on suspension pending investigation.
FFS... I read this this morning and thought, ok, this manager is at the very least asking for advice. The letter definitely read "tell me I'm right" but maybe there's a small chance they're willing to hear they're wrong. I read a lot of the comments and (like usual) appreciated the insight to most of the commentators, but I missed the letter writer's response, and all I could think of was, "are you fucking kidding me??"
- Your team was behaving in an extremely hostile, bullying, unprofessional, and overall shitty way. They a) took pictures of another employee and b) posted it to social media and c) made fun "of her weight, her clothes/style, how much water she drank etc." HUGE FUCKING PROBLEM.
- Someone saw it and found it not funny and complained to HR (RIGHTLY FUCKING SO). Yet you want to penalize them. First of all, no. Second of all, there are usually whistleblower rules protecting this person. Third, you're a fucking idiot.
- "If I knew she would have been like this, I would have pushed back on my director not to hire her in favor for someone younger but she had a fantastic background that wowed my higher ups." What the actual fuck. Translated from douchebag: "If I knew she would have cramped our style and prevented us from having our dudebro fun by day drinking and participating in general assholery, I would have had a temper tantrum at my boss, but because she actually knew how to do her job and would probably make us do our jobs, my boss hired her anyway."
You're the reason millennials in the work place get a bad rep, asshat.
There are assholes and shitty workplace cultures at all ages. Yet when a young person does something, it's because they're a millennial? Don't judge an entire generation based on ask a manager anecdotes.
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Not sure how I managed to double post myself when I tried to edit? Oops. Sorry folks, I'll try and fix.
There are assholes and shitty workplace cultures at all ages. Yet when a young person does something, it's because they're a millennial? Don't judge an entire generation based on ask a manager anecdotes.
Sorry, rage didn't make me eloquent. For the record, I'm a millennial who hates all the ridiculous stereotypes. There were a bunch of comments in the comment section discussing millennials, hence my focus on it. I absolutely agree that there are assholes in every age group, but extra attention is drawn to millennials when they do something - because they're entitled, spoiled, whatever term is thrown around to knock us down. So I let my frustration get the best of me because a) this person is a serious asshole and has no business being in a management position and b) it's further ammunition for millennial hate.
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Since this thread seems to have become 100% Ask A Manager, here's a gem from today:
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/is-the-work-environment-ive-created-on-my-team-too-exclusive.html
Make sure to read the OP's elaboration in the comments:
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/is-the-work-environment-ive-created-on-my-team-too-exclusive.html#comment-1572938
Well, I was just reading this thread, then saw this on FB. I think it qualifies.
http://www.boredpanda.com/mom-breast-milk-brownies-school-bake-sale/?utm_source=CB20&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=SAW
OMG, two AMAZING contributions to this thread today! Thank you, aetherie and Sibley!
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Well, I was just reading this thread, then saw this on FB. I think it qualifies.
http://www.boredpanda.com/mom-breast-milk-brownies-school-bake-sale/?utm_source=CB20&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=SAW
What the what!
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Not sure how I managed to double post myself when I tried to edit? Oops. Sorry folks, I'll try and fix.
There are assholes and shitty workplace cultures at all ages. Yet when a young person does something, it's because they're a millennial? Don't judge an entire generation based on ask a manager anecdotes.
Sorry, rage didn't make me eloquent. For the record, I'm a millennial who hates all the ridiculous stereotypes. There were a bunch of comments in the comment section discussing millennials, hence my focus on it. I absolutely agree that there are assholes in every age group, but extra attention is drawn to millennials when they do something - because they're entitled, spoiled, whatever term is thrown around to knock us down. So I let my frustration get the best of me because a) this person is a serious asshole and has no business being in a management position and b) it's further ammunition for millennial hate.
Gotcha.
And holy grossness at that breast milk brownie. She should stop giving moms a bad name. ;)
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I love the juxtaposition between these awful Ask a Manager posts and the linked post in the sidebar "My boss's kid punched me in the groin".
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This is a 3rd party OP doesn't see it, but the attitude of the driver in #1. Really wish that driver would write in.
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/my-coworker-caused-a-car-accident-and-i-dont-want-to-ride-with-her-taking-notes-at-a-job-interview-and-more.html
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The terrible manager from this link (http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/is-the-work-environment-ive-created-on-my-team-too-exclusive.html) had other updates, just as asshole/clueless:
First, Alison suspended them after the "ha ha I'm so much smaaaarter than former worker (I've got an MBA)" comment for being clueless.
Then this:
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/is-the-work-environment-ive-created-on-my-team-too-exclusive.html#comment-1573249
For those not wanting to click over:
I’m on a suspension pending investigation from work. I am extremely bitter that the person who turned in the SnapChats couldnt come to me first…
Hooray for good HR people! This entitled jerk may actually face consequences for their stupid, stupid actions!!
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The terrible manager from this link (http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/is-the-work-environment-ive-created-on-my-team-too-exclusive.html) had other updates, just as asshole/clueless:
First, Alison suspended them after the "ha ha I'm so much smaaaarter than former worker (I've got an MBA)" comment for being clueless.
Then this:
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/is-the-work-environment-ive-created-on-my-team-too-exclusive.html#comment-1573249
For those not wanting to click over:
I’m on a suspension pending investigation from work. I am extremely bitter that the person who turned in the SnapChats couldnt come to me first…
Hooray for good HR people! This entitled jerk may actually face consequences for their stupid, stupid actions!!
And as of today's open thread, this entitled jerk has been fired.
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/open-thread-july-28-29-2017.html#comment-1578127
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I wonder if getting her question published in "Ask a Manager" contributed to her firing. There was someone who had a possible hostile workplace or harassment or age discrimination case - and you sent in enough details to be identifiable, confirming some of the employee's complaints.....
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The terrible manager from this link (http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/is-the-work-environment-ive-created-on-my-team-too-exclusive.html) had other updates, just as asshole/clueless:
First, Alison suspended them after the "ha ha I'm so much smaaaarter than former worker (I've got an MBA)" comment for being clueless.
Then this:
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/is-the-work-environment-ive-created-on-my-team-too-exclusive.html#comment-1573249
For those not wanting to click over:
I’m on a suspension pending investigation from work. I am extremely bitter that the person who turned in the SnapChats couldnt come to me first…
Hooray for good HR people! This entitled jerk may actually face consequences for their stupid, stupid actions!!
And as of today's open thread, this entitled jerk has been fired.
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/open-thread-july-28-29-2017.html#comment-1578127
Oooh I missed the open thread bit. There's a lot of discussion as to whether or not the letter and OP are fake. The reactions of admitting you were suspended then fired don't seem very troll like, but at the same time I have a hard time believing someone with seemingly that level of cockiness, where the original letter was pretty much "tell me I'm right," would also admit to the suspension and firing.
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The terrible manager from this link (http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/is-the-work-environment-ive-created-on-my-team-too-exclusive.html) had other updates, just as asshole/clueless:
First, Alison suspended them after the "ha ha I'm so much smaaaarter than former worker (I've got an MBA)" comment for being clueless.
Then this:
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/is-the-work-environment-ive-created-on-my-team-too-exclusive.html#comment-1573249
For those not wanting to click over:
I’m on a suspension pending investigation from work. I am extremely bitter that the person who turned in the SnapChats couldnt come to me first…
Hooray for good HR people! This entitled jerk may actually face consequences for their stupid, stupid actions!!
And as of today's open thread, this entitled jerk has been fired.
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/open-thread-july-28-29-2017.html#comment-1578127
Oooh I missed the open thread bit. There's a lot of discussion as to whether or not the letter and OP are fake. The reactions of admitting you were suspended then fired don't seem very troll like, but at the same time I have a hard time believing someone with seemingly that level of cockiness, where the original letter was pretty much "tell me I'm right," would also admit to the suspension and firing.
I really hope she posts the interactions.
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The update we've been waiting for is here! (http://www.askamanager.org/2017/08/update-is-the-work-environment-ive-created-on-my-team-too-exclusive.html)
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The update we've been waiting for is here! (http://www.askamanager.org/2017/08/update-is-the-work-environment-ive-created-on-my-team-too-exclusive.html)
OMG....this whole segment...
I had also downgraded her end-of-year evaluation. I don’t think she deserved the praise she received from the sales staff, my directorand client executives. Her work just wasn’t that good to me. I thought if my team and I froze her out, she would leave. I called it un-managing.
My team found her quietness and her ability to develop sales presentations and connect with each client was very show-off-like. When she asked for help, we didn’t take it seriously because we thought she acted like she knew everything and she was making us look bad by always going above and beyond for no reason.
How does one so lack self-awareness that they can write "all the staff senior to me liked this person's work and they acted in a professional, dedicated way and did a good job" and not start thinking, "hmm, maybe I'm the problem?"
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Holy. Shit.
This kind of childishness and lack of self-awareness is elementary-school level.
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Amazing. I hope after they fired the entire team (!) they re-hired the "quiet" ex-employee who the team disliked because of "her ability to develop sales presentations and connect with each client" and who received praise "from the sales staff, my director and client executives." If that's the worst thing this hateful manager can come up with, you know she must be incredible.
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Yeah, this one was really amazing for being completely clueless!
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Just finding this thread. That last manager--OMG.
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I thought that as Ask a Manager you would side with a manager.
ಠ_ಠ
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I was getting more and more convinced that the writer of Ask A Manager was getting trolled, because it did not seem possible this person is real, but apparently so. Although as people were pointing out in the comments, where was this person's own manager? Someone this clueless should not have been able to fool her supervisors into thinking she was doing a good job...
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There is no way this is a real, live person. No. I refuse to believe that someone this... out of touch with reality? Or social mores? I have no idea what... could exist, make it up to late 20s and be promoted to a management position and still think and act in this manner.
And the part where she wants to sue or somehow retaliate against this person for what they said in an exit interview and her company investigated and confirmed? Breathtaking and so very, very sad.
This has to be a joke. I'm gonna believe this is anyway.
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There is no way this is a real, live person. No. I refuse to believe that someone this... out of touch with reality? Or social mores? I have no idea what... could exist, make it up to late 20s and be promoted to a management position and still think and act in this manner.
I had a former manager in his 50s who:
- came into the office one weekend and took home all the office chairs (he genuinely thought this would be fine)
- regularly commented on my appearance, told me he preferred my hair out rather than up
- was so paranoid that if more than two of his staff got together for a meeting he insisted on sitting in to make sure they weren't planning to overthrow him
- spent tens of thousands of dollars on a 65" flat screen, tech, and art for the office despite knowing we were under review and facing a possible merger
- gradually replaced more than half our team with people from his previous team in another state
- told my team I was pregnant when I wanted to announce my resignation and let them know I had taken another job
Emotionally immature people exist, and some of them are managers.
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*snip*
I had a former manager in his 50s who:
[nutty stuff]
- told my team I was pregnant when I wanted to announce my resignation and let them know I had taken another job
Emotionally immature people exist, and some of them are managers.
And when your soon to-be-ex-coworkers asked you, you could put your hand over your navel and say solemnly "Yes. And [manager] is the father." (But not really.)
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No way. I still can't quite believe it. In the update thy basically said "She was too good for my team and made us look bad" and "Her work wasn't good enough and she didn't have enough experience" - um, wot?
My secret hope is that the original quiet employee reads it and writes in. I'm sure there is further awfulness the "manager" isn't letting us know. Is an AAM post admissible in court? Because here's hoping this idiot is prosecuted - seems like the only way it would get into their thick skull.
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There's a part of me that still smells troll in it all, but I can't figure out why. What's the purpose of trolling in this way? The original letter was very "tell me I'm right," and when the overwhelming response was "you are not right," I feel like a trolling response would have been "well my management says I was right, so there," and kind of sticking it to Alison and the regular commentators. Someone in the original comments suspected the LW might be a Baby Boomer/Gen X troll masquerading as a millennial manager that's so out of touch since the original letter included a lot of "I'm a millennial/we're all millennial" speak, which really isn't how millennials talk... but the updates don't reflect that as much either. I don't know. There's something still off about the letters and responses, but it may be my discomfort that there's someone out there who's just so out of touch with reality - not just a bad manager, but someone who is so incapable of listening to literally every source saying "you're in the wrong."
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I don't think it's a troll. I went to school with people like this. Most of them are (thankfully) in no position to ever manage anybody, but it's not impossible that someone like that could rise to a management position while continuing to be garbage.
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Oh my goodness. The entire thing reads like she desperately wanted to be the cool person, so let the other people manipulate her actions under the guise of being a good manager. That explains why she listened to her subordinates and gave the ex employee work to them. Also, she didn't want the ex to be promoted before she was, so gave her awful reviews since there wasn't work to be done.
But really, how the heck does the team take frequent brewery trips on company time without it A) being known by the rest of the company, and B) even allowed?!
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From Ask A Manager today:
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/08/i-get-angry-when-my-coworkers-make-mistakes.html
So far at least, this one has hope.
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http://www.askamanager.org/2017/08/i-ghosted-my-ex-and-shes-about-to-be-my-new-boss.html
Dude abandoned the girlfriend he lived with after 3 years of being together by leaving the country without a word, and refers to her reaching out to his friends and family as being "emotional" and "obsessed".
Ex-girlfriend is now his boss, and due to circumstances he's very restricted in his job options.
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http://www.askamanager.org/2017/08/i-ghosted-my-ex-and-shes-about-to-be-my-new-boss.html
Dude abandoned the girlfriend he lived with after 3 years of being together by leaving the country without a word, and refers to her reaching out to his friends and family as being "emotional" and "obsessed".
Ex-girlfriend is now his boss, and due to circumstances he's very restricted in his job options.
"She caused a scene by reaching out to my family and friends!" Well... yeah, if I had been seriously dating someone for three years, living together for two, and I come home to an empty apartment with no note or anything, I'd be concerned and reach out to friends and family!
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http://www.askamanager.org/2017/08/i-ghosted-my-ex-and-shes-about-to-be-my-new-boss.html
Dude abandoned the girlfriend he lived with after 3 years of being together by leaving the country without a word, and refers to her reaching out to his friends and family as being "emotional" and "obsessed".
Ex-girlfriend is now his boss, and due to circumstances he's very restricted in his job options.
Yeah, this one is amazing. Slow morning at work so I read through the comments. Karma can really be a bitch.
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When I first read this one, I assumed it was a college-age study-abroad type relationship, where they had known each other a few months at best...which would still have made him kind of a jerk but left the situation salvageable. Then when I got to the part about three YEARS, I was like...Oh...never mind. Start job-hunting.
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Yikes. I hope the OP is dusting off his resume...
Seriously though, what the hell is wrong with people??
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I just ran into this old Ask a Manager letter from someone in college who doesn't respect 20 years experience of the higher-ups at his/her job (http://www.askamanager.org/2015/07/i-dont-respect-my-managers-college-degrees-from-20-years-ago.html) because their degrees aren't directly related to their current work.
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http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2017/08/dear_prudence_my_girlfriend_won_t_donate_to_harvey_victims_because_some.html
Towards the bottom: "Q. Bull in a china cupboard"
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http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2017/08/dear_prudence_my_girlfriend_won_t_donate_to_harvey_victims_because_some.html
Towards the bottom: "Q. Bull in a china cupboard"
Almost sounds like OP has OCD.
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http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2017/08/dear_prudence_my_girlfriend_won_t_donate_to_harvey_victims_because_some.html
Towards the bottom: "Q. Bull in a china cupboard"
Almost sounds like OP has OCD.
Wow, what a rude thing to do to one's friend!
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http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2017/08/dear_prudence_my_girlfriend_won_t_donate_to_harvey_victims_because_some.html
Towards the bottom: "Q. Bull in a china cupboard"
Almost sounds like OP has OCD.
Wow, what a rude thing to do to one's friend!
Rude and stupid! And thanks for veering this thread away from "Ask a Manager". I love Prudence, she tells it like it is.
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I know a couple of people that totally do this, and do not understand why you wouldn't be thankful. They have a total blind spot between "this is a pet peeve of mine" and "everyone should do what I do" right into "I will correct and lecture this failing in others". I can imagine Nancy sitting through the lecture of why she should put her (now broken) plates away one at a time IN ORDER TO KEEP THE NEATLY DOOR SHUT, thinking what kind of lunatic do I have in my house?
...At one point I noticed that she’d left a cupboard door open, so I helpfully closed it. She then turned around with her arms full of plates, for some reason expected the cabinet door to be open, and clumsily dropped some of the dishes. I honestly thought she was done in that cupboard and helped her clean up the mess. I also suggested that next time she put things away one or two pieces at a time so that she could keep the doors neatly shut in between. Nancy never complained to me but must have told our friend “Paul” because he told me that I owed Nancy an apology and should offer to pay for her broken dishware. I admit that open cabinets and drawers are a pet peeve of mine...
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And as of today's open thread, this entitled jerk has been fired.
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/open-thread-july-28-29-2017.html#comment-1578127
That there exist clueless jerks, and that some of them are elevated to management: all this is in the nature of things. Hence I can believe in the existence of the original poster. But that anyone paid attention to an exit interview, that HR even acted upon it: this is mirabile dictu, a thing entirely beyond my experience, not much short of miraculous.
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From the latest Dear Prudence (http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2017/09/dear_prudence_my_mother_in_law_says_she_s_psychic.html):
My 27-year-old daughter and her best friend, Katie, have been best friends since they were 4. Katie practically grew up in our house and is like a daughter to me. My daughter recently got engaged to her fiancé and announced that Katie would be the maid of honor (Katie’s boyfriend is also a good friend of my future son-in-law). The problem is that Katie walks with a pretty severe limp due to a birth defect (not an underlying medical issue). She has no problem wearing high heels and has already been fitted for the dress, but I still think it will look unsightly if she’s in the wedding procession limping ahead of my daughter. I mentioned this to my daughter and suggested that maybe Katie could take video or hand out programs (while sitting) so she doesn’t ruin the aesthetic aspect of the wedding. My daughter is no longer speaking to me (we were never that close), but this is her big wedding and I want it to be perfect. All of the other bridesmaids will look gorgeous walking down the aisle with my daughter. Is it wrong to have her friend sit out?
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From the latest Dear Prudence (http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2017/09/dear_prudence_my_mother_in_law_says_she_s_psychic.html):
My 27-year-old daughter and her best friend, Katie, have been best friends since they were 4. Katie practically grew up in our house and is like a daughter to me. My daughter recently got engaged to her fiancé and announced that Katie would be the maid of honor (Katie’s boyfriend is also a good friend of my future son-in-law). The problem is that Katie walks with a pretty severe limp due to a birth defect (not an underlying medical issue). She has no problem wearing high heels and has already been fitted for the dress, but I still think it will look unsightly if she’s in the wedding procession limping ahead of my daughter. I mentioned this to my daughter and suggested that maybe Katie could take video or hand out programs (while sitting) so she doesn’t ruin the aesthetic aspect of the wedding. My daughter is no longer speaking to me (we were never that close), but this is her big wedding and I want it to be perfect. All of the other bridesmaids will look gorgeous walking down the aisle with my daughter. Is it wrong to have her friend sit out?
Ohhh I just read that and came looking for this thread to see if anyone had seen that one yet.
I am A-MAZED at the level of cluelessness the writer has. They damned themselves with their own writing. Did they even read out what they wrote down before sending it off?
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From the latest Dear Prudence (http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2017/09/dear_prudence_my_mother_in_law_says_she_s_psychic.html):
My 27-year-old daughter and her best friend, Katie, have been best friends since they were 4. Katie practically grew up in our house and is like a daughter to me. My daughter recently got engaged to her fiancé and announced that Katie would be the maid of honor (Katie’s boyfriend is also a good friend of my future son-in-law). The problem is that Katie walks with a pretty severe limp due to a birth defect (not an underlying medical issue). She has no problem wearing high heels and has already been fitted for the dress, but I still think it will look unsightly if she’s in the wedding procession limping ahead of my daughter. I mentioned this to my daughter and suggested that maybe Katie could take video or hand out programs (while sitting) so she doesn’t ruin the aesthetic aspect of the wedding. My daughter is no longer speaking to me (we were never that close), but this is her big wedding and I want it to be perfect. All of the other bridesmaids will look gorgeous walking down the aisle with my daughter. Is it wrong to have her friend sit out?
This must be fake, right?
Who the hell cares more about a wedding than about the people getting married? Jesus.
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This must be fake, right?
Who the hell cares more about a wedding than about the people getting married? Jesus.
Dear farfromfire,what nice people you must associate with. Have you never heard of "Brides" magazine?
Self example: I've gone to a wedding mostly for the beer, and to see Bridezilla's parents and my friends since I live far out of town.
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This must be fake, right?
Who the hell cares more about a wedding than about the people getting married? Jesus.
Dear farfromfire,what nice people you must associate with. Have you never heard of "Brides" magazine?
Self example: I've gone to a wedding mostly for the beer, and to see Bridezilla's parents and my friends since I live far out of town.
I guess so, and although I consider myself lucky to have never heard of that particular publication I will now have to check it out posthaste! To be fair I meant among those involved with organising/planning the wedding.
What a sad disconnect exists in the sentence "My daughter is no longer speaking to me (we were never that close), but this is her big wedding and I want it to be perfect". It's her wedding, but what matters is what I want.
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Who the hell cares more about a wedding than about the people getting married? Jesus.
I was going to dispute the fact that Jesus cares more about the wedding than the people, when I remembered that it is recorded that he turned the water in to wine. Nowhere does it say that he blessed the marriage or the people involved :-)
Seen on a Google search: "BRIDES is the leading authority in the bridal space for the woman who puts style first." -- my italics.
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Who the hell cares more about a wedding than about the people getting married? Jesus.
I was going to dispute the fact that Jesus cares more about the wedding than the people, when I remembered that it is recorded that he turned the water in to wine. Nowhere does it say that he blessed the marriage or the people involved :-)
Seen on a Google search: "BRIDES is the leading authority in the bridal space for the woman who puts style first." -- my italics.
Maybe you don't consider someone bringing gallons of awesome wine to your wedding a blessing to those involved, but I respectfully disagree.
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Who the hell cares more about a wedding than about the people getting married? Jesus.
I was going to dispute the fact that Jesus cares more about the wedding than the people, when I remembered that it is recorded that he turned the water into wine. Nowhere does it say that he blessed the marriage or the people involved :-)
Seen on a Google search: "BRIDES is the leading authority in the bridal space for the woman who puts style first." -- my italics.
Maybe you don't consider someone bringing gallons of awesome wine to your wedding a blessing to those involved, but I respectfully disagree.
Touche' I'm just not that big of a wine drinker. If the drink was beer, than I might have thought differently. I was mostly going with Sam Kinison's "Jesus the miracle caterer" theme.
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This one is a classic http://amydickinson.com/post/85115023030/sisterly-exclusion-makes-one-sis-a-horrible-person (http://amydickinson.com/post/85115023030/sisterly-exclusion-makes-one-sis-a-horrible-person)
Great thread!
Ooh, ouch. Good one!
God I HATE this one I have such righteous digust for that sister and cousins
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From the latest Dear Prudence (http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2017/09/dear_prudence_my_mother_in_law_says_she_s_psychic.html):
My 27-year-old daughter and her best friend, Katie, have been best friends since they were 4. Katie practically grew up in our house and is like a daughter to me. My daughter recently got engaged to her fiancé and announced that Katie would be the maid of honor (Katie’s boyfriend is also a good friend of my future son-in-law). The problem is that Katie walks with a pretty severe limp due to a birth defect (not an underlying medical issue). She has no problem wearing high heels and has already been fitted for the dress, but I still think it will look unsightly if she’s in the wedding procession limping ahead of my daughter. I mentioned this to my daughter and suggested that maybe Katie could take video or hand out programs (while sitting) so she doesn’t ruin the aesthetic aspect of the wedding. My daughter is no longer speaking to me (we were never that close), but this is her big wedding and I want it to be perfect. All of the other bridesmaids will look gorgeous walking down the aisle with my daughter. Is it wrong to have her friend sit out?
(Bolding added.) Sooooo OP seems to have missed that when one uses the expression "like a daughter to me," the implication is that one loves said daughter...
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Sooooo OP seems to have missed that when one uses the expression "like a daughter to me," the implication is that one loves said daughter...
Like a daughter in that neither of them talk to her.
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And to be fair to the OP, if Katie actually was the OP's own daughter, she'd likely have hidden Katie in the attic when people came over so they wouldn't be all freaked out by how crippled and shit she was. Plus she would have bought her tap shoes for Christmas and then laughed. She's a great parent, obviously!
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This must be fake, right?
Who the hell cares more about a wedding than about the people getting married? Jesus.
Dear farfromfire,what nice people you must associate with. Have you never heard of "Brides" magazine?
Self example: I've gone to a wedding mostly for the beer, and to see Bridezilla's parents and my friends since I live far out of town.
I guess so, and although I consider myself lucky to have never heard of that particular publication I will now have to check it out posthaste! To be fair I meant among those involved with organising/planning the wedding.
What a sad disconnect exists in the sentence "My daughter is no longer speaking to me (we were never that close), but this is her big wedding and I want it to be perfect". It's her wedding, but what matters is what I want.
Sometimes this can happen when the parents pay for the wedding. They may feel they have the right to dictate certain decisions, though in this case the mother of the bride is clearly clueless.
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OP isn't the one in the wrong, but appears to be ignoring a few things...
Ask a Manager - Did my intern frame my coworker for credit card theft? (http://www.askamanager.org/2017/09/did-my-intern-frame-my-coworker-for-credit-card-theft.html)
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OP isn't the one in the wrong, but appears to be ignoring a few things...
Ask a Manager - Did my intern frame my coworker for credit card theft? (http://www.askamanager.org/2017/09/did-my-intern-frame-my-coworker-for-credit-card-theft.html)
She goes to church! That means she must be innocent! (Forgetting the fact that she plead guilty to one thing already...)
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OP isn't the one in the wrong, but appears to be ignoring a few things...
Ask a Manager - Did my intern frame my coworker for credit card theft? (http://www.askamanager.org/2017/09/did-my-intern-frame-my-coworker-for-credit-card-theft.html)
I'm so confused. Why are there concerns about the intern? Because a thief accused her of lying?
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OP isn't the one in the wrong, but appears to be ignoring a few things...
Ask a Manager - Did my intern frame my coworker for credit card theft? (http://www.askamanager.org/2017/09/did-my-intern-frame-my-coworker-for-credit-card-theft.html)
I'm so confused. Why are there concerns about the intern? Because a thief accused her of lying?
As far as I can see, yes.
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OP isn't the one in the wrong, but appears to be ignoring a few things...
Ask a Manager - Did my intern frame my coworker for credit card theft? (http://www.askamanager.org/2017/09/did-my-intern-frame-my-coworker-for-credit-card-theft.html)
I'm so confused. Why are there concerns about the intern? Because a thief accused her of lying?
As far as I can see, yes.
I made it through the comments. Consensus seems to be that the OP is irrationally siding with the thief because the thief is someone she's worked with for awhile and the intern isn't, and there are unspecified "other issues" with the intern.
I'm hoping for a follow-up where OP takes her spurious suspicions to management in an attempt to help her thieving friend and gets herself fired for poor judgment.
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PTF!
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If the coworker did get framed by the intern, kudos to the intern for handing the coworker her due karma. What would happen for stealing a jacket? Naughty girl. Give it back. Go about your life as normal. Maybe a formal written warning from the employer. The police likely wouldn't have been involved. Add a bit of credit card fraud and is a whole other story. Lesson: don't mess with that intern.
I would still believe the intern over the coworker, church or not.
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I'm not sure if someone's already posted this, but....
the entirety of /r/bestoflegaladvice
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I'm not sure if someone's already posted this, but....
the entirety of /r/bestoflegaladvice
Haha... that is a lovely sub. I just clicked a couple at random - as always, the first comments are just as gold as the actual subject matter.
https://np.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/70yv3c/guy_ran_into_our_recycling_bin_brick_we_were/
https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/70nm87/germany_hamburg_got_scammed_by_prostitute_what/
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Ask A Manger
Original: http://www.askamanager.org/2017/08/i-ghosted-my-ex-and-shes-about-to-be-my-new-boss.html
Update: http://www.askamanager.org/2017/09/update-i-ghosted-my-ex-and-shes-about-to-be-my-new-boss.html
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Ask A Manger
Original: http://www.askamanager.org/2017/08/i-ghosted-my-ex-and-shes-about-to-be-my-new-boss.html
Update: http://www.askamanager.org/2017/09/update-i-ghosted-my-ex-and-shes-about-to-be-my-new-boss.html
that update! man it hurt to read. "why did she have to go to the top?" ...um...weren't you the one that messaged HR??? Its all over from there.
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Ask A Manger
Original: http://www.askamanager.org/2017/08/i-ghosted-my-ex-and-shes-about-to-be-my-new-boss.html
Update: http://www.askamanager.org/2017/09/update-i-ghosted-my-ex-and-shes-about-to-be-my-new-boss.html
that update! man it hurt to read. "why did she have to go to the top?" ...um...weren't you the one that messaged HR??? Its all over from there.
That was my EXACT reaction. *She* didn't go to the top, YOU DID. And he quotes her as saying "we can work together", which is the only thing he shares that she says. I don't want to assign her any motivations (since the commentariat did that at length in the original post), but maybe she was overwhelmed and that's why she didn't reply to the email? Maybe she wanted to have an in-person conversation?
You know what, bad things happen sometimes. Bad things happen to people who did nothing to deserve them. I'm having a hard time coming up with any sympathy at all for someone who behaved so badly and then is all "how can I fix this so that I suffer no consequences" when it catches up to him.
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Ask A Manger
Original: http://www.askamanager.org/2017/08/i-ghosted-my-ex-and-shes-about-to-be-my-new-boss.html
Update: http://www.askamanager.org/2017/09/update-i-ghosted-my-ex-and-shes-about-to-be-my-new-boss.html
that update! man it hurt to read. "why did she have to go to the top?" ...um...weren't you the one that messaged HR??? Its all over from there.
That was my EXACT reaction. *She* didn't go to the top, YOU DID. And he quotes her as saying "we can work together", which is the only thing he shares that she says. I don't want to assign her any motivations (since the commentariat did that at length in the original post), but maybe she was overwhelmed and that's why she didn't reply to the email? Maybe she wanted to have an in-person conversation?
You know what, bad things happen sometimes. Bad things happen to people who did nothing to deserve them. I'm having a hard time coming up with any sympathy at all for someone who behaved so badly and then is all "how can I fix this so that I suffer no consequences" when it catches up to him.
Re-reading the first post too, I still cannot believe that a person thinks they can just get up and leave a relationship (ghosting??) without saying anything and NOT expect someone to think they are hurt or kidnapped or something. How are they supposed to know you just felt like being eff it I'm leaving on a whim with no notice or say?
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Ask A Manger
Original: http://www.askamanager.org/2017/08/i-ghosted-my-ex-and-shes-about-to-be-my-new-boss.html
Update: http://www.askamanager.org/2017/09/update-i-ghosted-my-ex-and-shes-about-to-be-my-new-boss.html
that update! man it hurt to read. "why did she have to go to the top?" ...um...weren't you the one that messaged HR??? Its all over from there.
That was my EXACT reaction. *She* didn't go to the top, YOU DID. And he quotes her as saying "we can work together", which is the only thing he shares that she says. I don't want to assign her any motivations (since the commentariat did that at length in the original post), but maybe she was overwhelmed and that's why she didn't reply to the email? Maybe she wanted to have an in-person conversation?
You know what, bad things happen sometimes. Bad things happen to people who did nothing to deserve them. I'm having a hard time coming up with any sympathy at all for someone who behaved so badly and then is all "how can I fix this so that I suffer no consequences" when it catches up to him.
I think it is complete immaturity. His immaturity convinced him that the best solution to an unhappy relationship was to ghost his longtime GF. The same immaturity also convinced him that the ex-GF's and big-boss' actions were All About Him, and so since he didn't like them, that meant that they must have been designed to punish him -- when in reality, they were probably designed to protect both him and the company from a retaliation claim, given that the ex would have been his manager.* And then for the trifecta, that same immaturity leads him to quit in a huff, despite having no job and no other means of support, and knowing that he's now going to have to make a major move to find a new position (the phrase "cutting off your nose to spite your face" springs to mind). Idiot.
*Not to mention that those requirements didn't seem to me to be quite as inconceivable as he made them out to be -- no one was going to give him shit if he ran into her at the grocery store, just try to avoid each other in general, and when you can't, make sure there is a witness.
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I mean, who compliments, and then STEALS some poor intern's jacket from work? If you do that, do you just not wear the jacket to work (maybe just when going to church)?
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*Not to mention that those requirements didn't seem to me to be quite as inconceivable as he made them out to be -- no one was going to give him shit if he ran into her at the grocery store, just try to avoid each other in general, and when you can't, make sure there is a witness.
Especially when he says further up that his role and hers don't interact on a day-to-day basis. If I was required by my job to have someone else in the room when meeting with my grand-boss or great-grand-boss, that'd be a little weird, but almost entirely inconsequential because I have very little interaction with them anyway.
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The real "what a twerp" moments for me were when HE complained that SHE got someone else involved after he'd already emailed HR, and when he quit on the spot. I wouldn't love working under those restrictions either as it would stress me out that I might do something wrong, but I would suck it up while looking for a new job. Instead it's like he's complaining that she "made him" quit. Some of the commenters do really lay into him, but he's definitely an "only one who doesn't get it".
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This thread (and Ask a Manager) is way too addicting
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Resurrecting this because today's AAM post (http://www.askamanager.org/2018/01/i-paid-for-fake-references-is-it-rude-to-shush-someone-and-more.html) made me laugh (#3 specifically).
Everyone gets their birthday off (free vacation day) and a gift card to a local restaurant, but one employee, whose birthday is on 2/29, is being petty and selfish and she's not allowed to take any days off because she doesn't have a real birthday. Oh, and the grandboss agrees.
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Resurrecting this because today's AAM post (http://www.askamanager.org/2018/01/i-paid-for-fake-references-is-it-rude-to-shush-someone-and-more.html) made me laugh (#3 specifically).
Everyone gets their birthday off (free vacation day) and a gift card to a local restaurant, but one employee, whose birthday is on 2/29, is being petty and selfish and she's not allowed to take any days off because she doesn't have a real birthday. Oh, and the grandboss agrees.
I literally could not believe this entry! Missing out on benefits all the other employees get, but shes the one being petty...smh!
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I saw that. Here's hoping the birthday girl finds a new job soon. Her current workplace suuuuuuucks.
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I saw that. Here's hoping the birthday girl finds a new job soon. Her current workplace suuuuuuucks.
Especially the bit where they could understand if it were a case of everyone singing Happy birthday, but since it is just a paid day off + a gift card, well, how petty...
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And the boss even makes a point of saying how anyone with a birthday on a weekend/holiday gets the next workday off! So she is the ONLY ONE who can never get this day off! I remember being in grade school and all of us 12-year-olds teasing one kid with a Feb. 29th birthday that they were only 3 now, but even as kids we were joking!
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And the boss even makes a point of saying how anyone with a birthday on a weekend/holiday gets the next workday off! So she is the ONLY ONE who can never get this day off! I remember being in grade school and all of us 12-year-olds teasing one kid with a Feb. 29th birthday that they were only 3 now, but even as kids we were joking!
My father was born on 2/29. I relished the fact that I was older than him.
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Resurrecting this because today's AAM post (http://www.askamanager.org/2018/01/i-paid-for-fake-references-is-it-rude-to-shush-someone-and-more.html) made me laugh (#3 specifically).
Everyone gets their birthday off (free vacation day) and a gift card to a local restaurant, but one employee, whose birthday is on 2/29, is being petty and selfish and she's not allowed to take any days off because she doesn't have a real birthday. Oh, and the grandboss agrees.
Does anyone else read these questions and just assume that it must be a troll? No one is really stupid enough to deny their employee basic job perks simply because of their birth date, then write to an advice columnist to ask for support of their stupidity...Right?
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And the boss even makes a point of saying how anyone with a birthday on a weekend/holiday gets the next workday off! So she is the ONLY ONE who can never get this day off! I remember being in grade school and all of us 12-year-olds teasing one kid with a Feb. 29th birthday that they were only 3 now, but even as kids we were joking!
My father was born on 2/29. I relished the fact that I was older than him.
Once upon a time, I was engaged to be married. Had the ring, the dress, the venue, the date: Feb. 29th. We thought we could get a lot of mileage out of choosing that date. Alas, things happened in the interim and I called it off. It still gives me a chuckle every time a Feb. 29th rolls around.
PS - I finally found my prince, and I'm pretty sure he found what he wanted in life, so it's all good.
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Think of poor Frederic, apprenticed to pirates until his 21st birthday - and then when he is 21 he finds out his birthday was February 29 and his apprenticeship has many more years to go.
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Resurrecting this because today's AAM post (http://www.askamanager.org/2018/01/i-paid-for-fake-references-is-it-rude-to-shush-someone-and-more.html) made me laugh (#3 specifically).
Everyone gets their birthday off (free vacation day) and a gift card to a local restaurant, but one employee, whose birthday is on 2/29, is being petty and selfish and she's not allowed to take any days off because she doesn't have a real birthday. Oh, and the grandboss agrees.
Does anyone else read these questions and just assume that it must be a troll? No one is really stupid enough to deny their employee basic job perks simply because of their birth date, then write to an advice columnist to ask for support of their stupidity...Right?
It did cross my mind that it might be fake. However I have met more than one person who would rather shoot themself in the foot before admitting to being wrong or making a mistake.
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Good ol Savage Love..
https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2018/01/30/25763823/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-time-management-for-a-poly-newb/comments
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Good ol Savage Love..
https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2018/01/30/25763823/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-time-management-for-a-poly-newb/comments
That's a "neat" move, get caught cheating, then convince your wife that you're really poly, then spend more time with your girlfriend. I'm not sure how he can even say he loves his wife. It sounds like he loves having someone to split the chores with.
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Good ol Savage Love..
https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2018/01/30/25763823/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-time-management-for-a-poly-newb/comments
That's a "neat" move, get caught cheating, then convince your wife that you're really poly, then spend more time with your girlfriend. I'm not sure how he can even say he loves his wife. It sounds like he loves having someone to split the chores with.
Oof. This letter hit too close to home. After my husband broke up with me, he offered us continue to live together, have sex together, and share chores together, but that otherwise he had no limitations on him. Funny I didn't take him up on that offer. Ironically, there are parts of me that still love him. But I can't be with him because he doesn't have a clue what a real relationship is, which includes among many, treating your partner with respect.
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This isn't on the internet, but my own life. I became "friendly" again with the woman who had an affair with my husband over the last 6 months our kids are best friends so this started up with both arranging times for kids to hang out, and shuttling to school events. Ex for many reasons, including that his current girlfriend does not like it, no longer communicates with her or acknowledges her.
After a clearing of the air between us, was doing my best to be an adult, not have the kids friendship be affected. Only last night, with a series of texts, that she a) trying maintain contact with my ex, through me, or our kids. Also she may be slightly stalkerish. To give context, this woman was incredibly cruel to me during the affair, ran me down to my ex and also to some extent to mutual friends (called me crazy among other things), said derogatory things about my kids. Since we cleared air, she came to a talk I gave even though that wasn't her interest, has stopped by unannounced such as to give me a book and relationship advice such as cheating may be something people just do. Now compliments me outrageously for example the other day said she loves my last name so much, that other than her own name, would use it as a last name (I kept my maiden name).
"Perhaps not but now lots of smoking" (referring to his habits)"Well, it's not like his presence would greatly benefit my kids' lives. It just ended up worse than I ever imagined. He wouldn't even say hi to the kids&me when we went to (the place he works). He's a 50 year old man! Very enmeshed with the gf- works, lives & spends all his free time with her. His current life strikes me as sad&un-balanced but perhaps just another sign of how very different we are."
"He doesn't seem happy or healthy to me. I think he puts a lot of energy into avoidance on a lot of fronts, most of them emotional. And I think (girlfriend) helps with that because she wants to be with him all the time. Good distraction. Wish he'd throw himself into helping his damaged little girl (my daughter) more than his damaged coworker gf. To me, he seems to still be in totally stereotypical male middle-life crisis mode. Even (friend) says he 'wants the old (ex husband) back but once you've gone that far douchebag, you usually don't come back'. But whatever, it's even far les my circus than yours. I need to remember that. My kids and I don't even warrant a passing pleasantry in the bar."
OK. So ending up worse than she ever imagined was NOT breaking up two marriages with children involved. That he doesn't say hi to her anymore.
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Good ol Savage Love..
https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2018/01/30/25763823/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-time-management-for-a-poly-newb/comments
"She found out I was cheating on her; after years of struggling with monogamy, I told her it was open our marriage or divorce."
How about "don't let the screen door hit you in the ass on the way out"? Damn.
I gotta give Savage credit for answering him as if he had asked a real question, though; don't think I could have gotten past the breathtaking obliviousness/entitlement of the opener.
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Are people's libido stronger than their brain's logic or their sense of responsibility?
Saw on the news this morn that Nashville's mayor admitted to an affair with one of her staff.
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Are people's libido stronger than their brain's logic or their sense of responsibility?
Saw on the news this morn that Nashville's mayor admitted to an affair with one of her staff.
Isn't that why we survive as a species?
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Good ol Savage Love..
https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2018/01/30/25763823/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-time-management-for-a-poly-newb/comments
"She found out I was cheating on her; after years of struggling with monogamy, I told her it was open our marriage or divorce."
How about "don't let the screen door hit you in the ass on the way out"? Damn.
I gotta give Savage credit for answering him as if he had asked a real question, though; don't think I could have gotten past the breathtaking obliviousness/entitlement of the opener.
But he's a doctor, see, so he's busy. He doesn't have time for treating his wife with respect, you know how it is.
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We'll survive as a species b/c people procreate. Don't have to trample a marriage, lie, or sneak around.
Will be interesting to see how the overtime the bodyguard was paid plays out.
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Comment on the Friday open thread today at AAM:
http://www.askamanager.org/2018/02/open-thread-february-2-3-2018.html#comment-1833575
Last I checked, something like 230 replies. Some people are really clueless.
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Are people's libido stronger than their brain's logic or their sense of responsibility?
Saw on the news this morn that Nashville's mayor admitted to an affair with one of her staff.
Isn't that why we survive as a species?
We'll survive as a species b/c people procreate. Don't have to trample a marriage, lie, or sneak around.
If my parents were logical, they would have stopped having kids before they got to me :)
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https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/02/dear-prudence-my-daughter-in-law-let-me-in-the-delivery-room.html
Love Mallory's response.
Frankly, I can see why they don’t want you in the room, if But I was a nurse! and I’m a second-class grandmother is your response to Please hang out and read a book in the hallway while Julia is crowning.
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https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/02/dear-prudence-my-daughter-in-law-let-me-in-the-delivery-room.html
Love Mallory's response.
Frankly, I can see why they don’t want you in the room, if But I was a nurse! and I’m a second-class grandmother is your response to Please hang out and read a book in the hallway while Julia is crowning.
Wonder what the MIL was like on the wedding night...
"no son!...it goes in there"
:O :)
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https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/02/dear-prudence-my-daughter-in-law-let-me-in-the-delivery-room.html
Love Mallory's response.
Frankly, I can see why they don’t want you in the room, if But I was a nurse! and I’m a second-class grandmother is your response to Please hang out and read a book in the hallway while Julia is crowning.
Wonder what the MIL was like on the wedding night...
"no son!...it goes in there"
:O :)
:D
Julia probably put a stop to that, too. Bloody Julia, she ruins everything! /s
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https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/02/dear-prudence-my-daughter-in-law-let-me-in-the-delivery-room.html
Love Mallory's response.
Frankly, I can see why they don’t want you in the room, if But I was a nurse! and I’m a second-class grandmother is your response to Please hang out and read a book in the hallway while Julia is crowning.
Wonder what the MIL was like on the wedding night...
"no son!...it goes in there"
:O :)
I just happened to read that post on Dear Prudence about ten minutes ago. Holy hell, this MIL is freaking clueless.
:D
Julia probably put a stop to that, too. Bloody Julia, she ruins everything! /s
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https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/02/dear-prudence-my-daughter-in-law-let-me-in-the-delivery-room.html
Love Mallory's response.
Frankly, I can see why they don’t want you in the room, if But I was a nurse! and I’m a second-class grandmother is your response to Please hang out and read a book in the hallway while Julia is crowning.
I think it's a little weird she let her own mother into the delivery room. We kicked everybody out once we got close to actual delivery, though my MIL did sort of make it difficult for me to actually get near my wife while we were just waiting ....
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I love my MIL but I wouldn't even want my own mother to be there.
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I love my MIL but I wouldn't even want my own mother to be there.
Maybe we'll see the husband's letter in Prudence tomorrow. "How come HER mother gets to come in the delivery room and MY mother is scratching at the door!! Not fair."
I could only see the mother or another supportive person in the delivery room if the partner was not in the picture or not available in some way (deployed, ill, traveling for work, etc). One other person is plenty.
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I love my MIL but I wouldn't even want my own mother to be there.
Maybe we'll see the husband's letter in Prudence tomorrow. "How come HER mother gets to come in the delivery room and MY mother is scratching at the door!! Not fair."
I could only see the mother or another supportive person in the delivery room if the partner was not in the picture or not available in some way (deployed, ill, traveling for work, etc). One other person is plenty.
I mean, maybe if she's young and really scared, having her mom in there makes sense if they're close.
But regardless. The pregnant woman is in charge of deciding who sees her cooch. Period.
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@Kris agree. When I had my kids, just having their father with me in the delivery room was plenty. The woman giving birth does get to call the shots ultimately And I think we're all on the same page as Prudence that the MIL is nucking futz.
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Good ol Savage Love..
https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2018/01/30/25763823/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-time-management-for-a-poly-newb/comments
That's a "neat" move, get caught cheating, then convince your wife that you're really poly, then spend more time with your girlfriend. I'm not sure how he can even say he loves his wife. It sounds like he loves having someone to split the chores with.
Oof. This letter hit too close to home. After my husband broke up with me, he offered us continue to live together, have sex together, and share chores together, but that otherwise he had no limitations on him. Funny I didn't take him up on that offer. Ironically, there are parts of me that still love him. But I can't be with him because he doesn't have a clue what a real relationship is, which includes among many, treating your partner with respect.
Is your husband the United Kingdom?
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Good ol Savage Love..
https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2018/01/30/25763823/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-time-management-for-a-poly-newb/comments
That's a "neat" move, get caught cheating, then convince your wife that you're really poly, then spend more time with your girlfriend. I'm not sure how he can even say he loves his wife. It sounds like he loves having someone to split the chores with.
Oof. This letter hit too close to home. After my husband broke up with me, he offered us continue to live together, have sex together, and share chores together, but that otherwise he had no limitations on him. Funny I didn't take him up on that offer. Ironically, there are parts of me that still love him. But I can't be with him because he doesn't have a clue what a real relationship is, which includes among many, treating your partner with respect.
Is your husband the United Kingdom?
?
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Is your husband the United Kingdom?
?
Brexit metaphor. "We want to be legally divested from you and have the freedom do whatever we want, but we still want all the perks of the existing union."
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Is your husband the United Kingdom?
Niiiiiice. I lol'd.
And welcome if you're new/post more if you're a lurker.
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Yep. Called wanting your cake and eating it too.
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Is your husband the United Kingdom?
Niiiiiice. I lol'd.
And welcome if you're new/post more if you're a lurker.
Thanks! I've been around for a while but haven't posted much. I love this thread though.
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Is your husband the United Kingdom?
Niiiiiice. I lol'd.
And welcome if you're new/post more if you're a lurker.
Cosign. Funniest response I've ever seen on this forum.
Thanks! I've been around for a while but haven't posted much. I love this thread though.
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Good ol Savage Love..
https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2018/01/30/25763823/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-time-management-for-a-poly-newb/comments
That's a "neat" move, get caught cheating, then convince your wife that you're really poly, then spend more time with your girlfriend. I'm not sure how he can even say he loves his wife. It sounds like he loves having someone to split the chores with.
Oof. This letter hit too close to home. After my husband broke up with me, he offered us continue to live together, have sex together, and share chores together, but that otherwise he had no limitations on him. Funny I didn't take him up on that offer. Ironically, there are parts of me that still love him. But I can't be with him because he doesn't have a clue what a real relationship is, which includes among many, treating your partner with respect.
I read this post a week ago, and reading it again now still has me shaking my head. He left your marriage but still wanted to be effectively married? And he seriously thought you'd say yes to that?
Mind. Blown. Glad you've moved on @partgypsy
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Mind. Blown. Glad you've moved on @partgypsy
It wasn't till @marty998 and I were talking about this that I realised (well, he pointed out) that you are @partgypsy. You'll always be partygypsy to me!
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Thought of this thread tonight while watching Dirty Money: Payday on Netflix.
Scott Tucker is the king of "OP is the only one who doesn't see it".
Despite a record judgment from the FTC and a 16-year prison sentence for illegal payday lending, he remains convinced that he is the victim.
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Mind. Blown. Glad you've moved on @partgypsy
It wasn't till @marty998 and I were talking about this that I realised (well, he pointed out) that you are @partgypsy. You'll always be partygypsy to me!
: ) It's because on another forum I wanted to use gypsy as my handle, but someone already had it, so I used part-gypsy instead. I'm ok with being partygypsy too!
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Mind. Blown. Glad you've moved on @partgypsy
It wasn't till @marty998 and I were talking about this that I realised (well, he pointed out) that you are @partgypsy. You'll always be partygypsy to me!
OMG, me too! Mind.Blown. Sorry, "part" gypsy. This changes everything!
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Mind. Blown. Glad you've moved on @partgypsy
It wasn't till @marty998 and I were talking about this that I realised (well, he pointed out) that you are @partgypsy. You'll always be partygypsy to me!
OMG add me to that list too!
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Mind. Blown. Glad you've moved on @partgypsy
It wasn't till @marty998 and I were talking about this that I realised (well, he pointed out) that you are @partgypsy. You'll always be partygypsy to me!
OMG, me too! Mind.Blown. Sorry, "part" gypsy. This changes everything!
I've always read it as "party gypsy" as well! Oh that is great! If you ever want to change your handle, go for PartyGypsy!
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Mind. Blown. Glad you've moved on @partgypsy
It wasn't till @marty998 and I were talking about this that I realised (well, he pointed out) that you are @partgypsy. You'll always be partygypsy to me!
OMG, me too! Mind.Blown. Sorry, "part" gypsy. This changes everything!
I've always read it as "party gypsy" as well! Oh that is great! If you ever want to change your handle, go for PartyGypsy!
I feel like my life has been a lie.
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Mind. Blown. Glad you've moved on @partgypsy
It wasn't till @marty998 and I were talking about this that I realised (well, he pointed out) that you are @partgypsy. You'll always be partygypsy to me!
OMG, me too! Mind.Blown. Sorry, "part" gypsy. This changes everything!
I've always read it as "party gypsy" as well! Oh that is great! If you ever want to change your handle, go for PartyGypsy!
I feel like my life has been a lie.
Agreed. I can't even trust my own eyes.
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Mind. Blown. Glad you've moved on @partgypsy
It wasn't till @marty998 and I were talking about this that I realised (well, he pointed out) that you are @partgypsy. You'll always be partygypsy to me!
OMG, me too! Mind.Blown. Sorry, "part" gypsy. This changes everything!
I've always read it as "party gypsy" as well! Oh that is great! If you ever want to change your handle, go for PartyGypsy!
I feel like my life has been a lie.
Agreed. I can't even trust my own eyes.
So, what you're all saying is that, in this case, the OP is virtually the only one who did see it. :P
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Mind. Blown. Glad you've moved on @partgypsy
It wasn't till @marty998 and I were talking about this that I realised (well, he pointed out) that you are @partgypsy. You'll always be partygypsy to me!
OMG, me too! Mind.Blown. Sorry, "part" gypsy. This changes everything!
I've always read it as "party gypsy" as well! Oh that is great! If you ever want to change your handle, go for PartyGypsy!
I feel like my life has been a lie.
Agreed. I can't even trust my own eyes.
So, what you're all saying is that, in this case, the OP is virtually the only one who did see it. :P
That's it. Thread over. We're done. We've won! Or lost. I can't really tell.
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Mind. Blown. Glad you've moved on @partgypsy
It wasn't till @marty998 and I were talking about this that I realised (well, he pointed out) that you are @partgypsy. You'll always be partygypsy to me!
OMG, me too! Mind.Blown. Sorry, "part" gypsy. This changes everything!
I've always read it as "party gypsy" as well! Oh that is great! If you ever want to change your handle, go for PartyGypsy!
I feel like my life has been a lie.
Agreed. I can't even trust my own eyes.
So, what you're all saying is that, in this case, the OP is virtually the only one who did see it. :P
lol. And by the way I'M Keyser Soze
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PTF, fo sho
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This thread got so great so fast, I'm sort of dizzy.
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Dear Prudence today... https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/03/dear-prudence-help-im-about-to-quit-my-dream-job.html (https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/03/dear-prudence-help-im-about-to-quit-my-dream-job.html)
Second writer just wants to be able to throw away his higher salary on his expensive hobbies and get his wife to pay for his other priorities (his folks) because she has cheap hobbies and saves much of her smaller salary. Bonus: he mocks her when she helps out her family out of her salary.
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Dear Prudence today... https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/03/dear-prudence-help-im-about-to-quit-my-dream-job.html (https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/03/dear-prudence-help-im-about-to-quit-my-dream-job.html)
Second writer just wants to be able to throw away his higher salary on his expensive hobbies and get his wife to pay for his other priorities (his folks) because she has cheap hobbies and saves much of her smaller salary. Bonus: he mocks her when she helps out her family out of her salary.
I dunno, he seemed somewhat aware that he was going to look stupid, but felt it was worth the cost. Whether or not he's willing to cut back on his own crap to make up for it ....
Edit: the last question in that post totally gutted me
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Dear Prudence today... https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/03/dear-prudence-help-im-about-to-quit-my-dream-job.html (https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/03/dear-prudence-help-im-about-to-quit-my-dream-job.html)
Second writer just wants to be able to throw away his higher salary on his expensive hobbies and get his wife to pay for his other priorities (his folks) because she has cheap hobbies and saves much of her smaller salary. Bonus: he mocks her when she helps out her family out of her salary.
If I were the wife, I'd tell him to sell some of his toys if he wants to help his parents. And I'd wonder why he thinks it's OK to demand my money for his parents, and why he thinks they have a say in our marital finances. Just because you ate all your candy at once and I saved some of mine does not make me obligated to give you any.
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Dear Prudence today... https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/03/dear-prudence-help-im-about-to-quit-my-dream-job.html (https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/03/dear-prudence-help-im-about-to-quit-my-dream-job.html)
Second writer just wants to be able to throw away his higher salary on his expensive hobbies and get his wife to pay for his other priorities (his folks) because she has cheap hobbies and saves much of her smaller salary. Bonus: he mocks her when she helps out her family out of her salary.
If I were the wife, I'd tell him to sell some of his toys if he wants to help his parents. And I'd wonder why he thinks it's OK to demand my money for his parents, and why he thinks they have a say in our marital finances. Just because you ate all your candy at once and I saved some of mine does not make me obligated to give you any.
It's totally reasonable for him to request it! It's just also totally reasonable for her to require an established payment plan and acceptable interest rate... she might want to do a credit check, too.
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It would suck to be her, in that scenario. She has to balance the ridiculousness of being asked for money after being the frugal one and the one mocked for helping her family against her (possible) desire to maintain her marriage. Tough spot to be in.
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I'd need that request to come with a BIG helping of "I recognise I was being an ass and I'm sorry" and "this is how I'm going to pay you back and sort out my financial shit". The OP seems to focus on losing face rather than having been an ass.
Also, your family are Facebook stalking you and demanding money? Fewer surprises that OP turned out with a blind spot being raised in that environment.
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Yeah, it’s not a crazy request on it’s face except the tone is bad and the choices they’ve made about setting up their finances could mean they already don’t really respect each other’s approach to money much.
Both my family and my husbands family have needed cash, not huge amounts, a few times and it’s more likely to come from my personal accounts than his because I fritter less away but we have a joint plan that acknowledges that and has a joint budget category for bailouts of this sort.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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I'd like to submit the entire r/ChoosingBeggars (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/) subreddit.
A couple of highlights:
I need a free 100-mile bus trip for 20 people (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/comments/7kr5as/i_need_a_free_100mile_bus_trip_for_20_people_and/?utm_content=title&utm_medium=browse&utm_source=reddit&utm_name=ChoosingBeggars)
I can't afford food but I can buy festival tickets for hundreds of dollars (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/comments/84ecd8/i_cant_afford_food_but_i_can_buy_festival_tickets/)
-
I'd like to submit the entire r/ChoosingBeggars (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/) subreddit.
A couple of highlights:
I need a free 100-mile bus trip for 20 people (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/comments/7kr5as/i_need_a_free_100mile_bus_trip_for_20_people_and/?utm_content=title&utm_medium=browse&utm_source=reddit&utm_name=ChoosingBeggars)
I can't afford food but I can buy festival tickets for hundreds of dollars (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/comments/84ecd8/i_cant_afford_food_but_i_can_buy_festival_tickets/)
Ooo, sounds promising.
-
I'd like to submit the entire r/ChoosingBeggars (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/) subreddit.
A couple of highlights:
I need a free 100-mile bus trip for 20 people (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/comments/7kr5as/i_need_a_free_100mile_bus_trip_for_20_people_and/?utm_content=title&utm_medium=browse&utm_source=reddit&utm_name=ChoosingBeggars)
I can't afford food but I can buy festival tickets for hundreds of dollars (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/comments/84ecd8/i_cant_afford_food_but_i_can_buy_festival_tickets/)
Ooo, sounds promising.
The nerve of that lady in the first post! I mean, she actually had some people volunteer and offer help, and all she could say was NEXT!!!
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I'd like to submit the entire r/ChoosingBeggars (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/) subreddit.
A couple of highlights:
I need a free 100-mile bus trip for 20 people (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/comments/7kr5as/i_need_a_free_100mile_bus_trip_for_20_people_and/?utm_content=title&utm_medium=browse&utm_source=reddit&utm_name=ChoosingBeggars)
I can't afford food but I can buy festival tickets for hundreds of dollars (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/comments/84ecd8/i_cant_afford_food_but_i_can_buy_festival_tickets/)
Ooo, sounds promising.
The nerve of that lady in the first post! I mean, she actually had some people volunteer and offer help, and all she could say was NEXT!!!
I was pretty amazed she could say "Next!" expecting to get a better offer.
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I'd like to submit the entire r/ChoosingBeggars (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/) subreddit.
A couple of highlights:
I need a free 100-mile bus trip for 20 people (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/comments/7kr5as/i_need_a_free_100mile_bus_trip_for_20_people_and/?utm_content=title&utm_medium=browse&utm_source=reddit&utm_name=ChoosingBeggars)
I can't afford food but I can buy festival tickets for hundreds of dollars (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/comments/84ecd8/i_cant_afford_food_but_i_can_buy_festival_tickets/)
Ooo, sounds promising.
The nerve of that lady in the first post! I mean, she actually had some people volunteer and offer help, and all she could say was NEXT!!!
I was pretty amazed she could say "Next!" expecting to get a better offer.
I'm amazed that people kept offering to help!
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I'd like to submit the entire r/ChoosingBeggars (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/) subreddit.
A couple of highlights:
I need a free 100-mile bus trip for 20 people (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/comments/7kr5as/i_need_a_free_100mile_bus_trip_for_20_people_and/?utm_content=title&utm_medium=browse&utm_source=reddit&utm_name=ChoosingBeggars)
I can't afford food but I can buy festival tickets for hundreds of dollars (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/comments/84ecd8/i_cant_afford_food_but_i_can_buy_festival_tickets/)
Ooo, sounds promising.
The nerve of that lady in the first post! I mean, she actually had some people volunteer and offer help, and all she could say was NEXT!!!
I was pretty amazed she could say "Next!" expecting to get a better offer.
I'm amazed that people kept offering to help!
Right? I would have been SOOOO tempted to offer EXACTLY what she needed and then not show up.
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I'd like to submit the entire r/ChoosingBeggars (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/) subreddit.
A couple of highlights:
I need a free 100-mile bus trip for 20 people (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/comments/7kr5as/i_need_a_free_100mile_bus_trip_for_20_people_and/?utm_content=title&utm_medium=browse&utm_source=reddit&utm_name=ChoosingBeggars)
I can't afford food but I can buy festival tickets for hundreds of dollars (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/comments/84ecd8/i_cant_afford_food_but_i_can_buy_festival_tickets/)
Ooo, sounds promising.
The nerve of that lady in the first post! I mean, she actually had some people volunteer and offer help, and all she could say was NEXT!!!
I was pretty amazed she could say "Next!" expecting to get a better offer.
I'm amazed that people kept offering to help!
Right? I would have been SOOOO tempted to offer EXACTLY what she needed and then not show up.
I just saw a few of the Reddit comments and they were hilarious: "if she's so devout, why not just let Jesus take the wheel?" NEXT!
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I'd like to submit the entire r/ChoosingBeggars (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/) subreddit.
A couple of highlights:
I need a free 100-mile bus trip for 20 people (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/comments/7kr5as/i_need_a_free_100mile_bus_trip_for_20_people_and/?utm_content=title&utm_medium=browse&utm_source=reddit&utm_name=ChoosingBeggars)
I can't afford food but I can buy festival tickets for hundreds of dollars (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/comments/84ecd8/i_cant_afford_food_but_i_can_buy_festival_tickets/)
Ooo, sounds promising.
I read a few others, many of the comments reference the "Next!"
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It's for church, honey. Don't need the attitude. NEXT!
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2. Repeated assertions about her own awesomeness
Oh, + fucking 1.
I've read journals on here with fewer personal pronouns.
Yes, I'm 40 and I have been in perfect shape and health my entire life - in the gym all the time, eating only healthy stuff, always watching my lifestyle. So, I look and feel 30 - inside and out and better than many 25-year olds. I get a lot of dates but I'm picky because I worked hard for everything in my life. Could I just have any man that comes into my life, actually YES - I have many of those options but for what? -Just to have a mediocre sperm donor that's lukewarm about how he feels about me, isn't super healthy, mediocre looks and finances, and also looking for a second mother - NO THANKS! I have friends that have those kinds of men in their life - no thanks! This may sound selfish, yet again but here it is: - I look great and I will say life is easier as a beautiful person. I want a gorgeous child and I get to choose that. With money, I can do enough on my own without a deadbeat man-child around. I don't have the time and energy to raise a 40+ year old man that never wants to grow up. ... anyway... thank you for your input. The experience on this forum has been quite eye-opening and terrifying as to how evil some people can be.
And I am the most caring, kind person I know (I know it may not look that way from these posts but I am), so many of my local and out-of-state friends offered to help and that's so heartwarming.
As I said, I am an immigrant who started at negative in a brand new country and English isn't my native language, but I do speak 3 other ones - two of them fluently...
Of course I will survive - I'm the strongest person I know, I am a fighter and I have full confidence in my health and ability to get a well=paying job and hold it down.
If she is so convinced of her own awesomeness at absolutely everything, why is she on here asking for our permission, then casting aspersions when she doesn't get it?
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Holy shit, it’s terrifying that you can successfully survive four decades with that little self-awareness!
*grabs popcorn*
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I understand the sentiment, and as a mother of two handicapped kids (with no genetic cause), I could pile onto the discussion about preparredness. But since Eva_Eva has a thread on this forum where this discussion could be taken in the open, and where she could be allowed to defend herself, I don't thing it is OK to have another discussion in a different thread. Especially when it is more mocking than discussion.
Please keep things sivil.
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Since you mentioned it, something that occurred to me reading that other thread is that the likelihood of having a Downs Syndrome baby is much higher above a certain age. From the tone of the OP this is largely going to be an unacceptable turn of events since there is often a real guilt-factor and personalization for the parent where that occurs; they blame themselves even if that is not warranted. The Downs baby will require enormous effort and special lifelong care. I don't think the poster is considering anything less than perfection. This comment is not worth posting on Eva's thread, I can hear the tomatoes being hurled at my head already in her replies so I won't bother.
She is really not seeking an understanding of all the nuances that go into this decision from a broad and varied audience in order to come to a sound conclusion. She should just post her dream on facebook and collect the likes.
Since this thread is entirely about other threads it is logical that those threads are discussed here. That it is our own forum makes it a little stickier, but nonetheless that is the fact.
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Yes, I'm 40 and I have been in perfect shape and health my entire life - in the gym all the time, eating only healthy stuff, always watching my lifestyle. So, I look and feel 30 - inside and out and better than many 25-year olds. I get a lot of dates but I'm picky because I worked hard for everything in my life. Could I just have any man that comes into my life, actually YES - I have many of those options but for what? -Just to have a mediocre sperm donor that's lukewarm about how he feels about me, isn't super healthy, mediocre looks and finances, and also looking for a second mother - NO THANKS! I have friends that have those kinds of men in their life - no thanks! This may sound selfish, yet again but here it is: - I look great and I will say life is easier as a beautiful person. I want a gorgeous child and I get to choose that. With money, I can do enough on my own without a deadbeat man-child around. I don't have the time and energy to raise a 40+ year old man that never wants to grow up. ... anyway... thank you for your input. The experience on this forum has been quite eye-opening and terrifying as to how evil some people can be.
Pity she can't fissiparate. The world would be so much better off.
As it is, the genetics of looks is not all that assured; we all know fabulously sensational movie-star couples that somehow fail to produce offspring that are 11 on the Celestial Beauty Scale. "I want a gorgeous child and I get to choose that"? How is this not monstrous hubris? How will a small child who (of necessity, given this mother) has sub-maternal-quality genes be treated by a mother whose perfection is publicly announced?
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I think she was mostly misunderstood, and that English isn't her first language.
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I think she was mostly misunderstood, and that English isn't her first language.
I don't think she was misunderstood. She keeps calling the people who provide any caution for financial planning "evil." And she says, "I have zero concerns right now and I will financially prepare to deal with problems when they arise, not before." So then why is she on this forum asking for input if she has no concerns and doesn't want to plan for any potential problems? I agree with englishteacheralex and mustachepungoeshere.
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I think she was mostly misunderstood, and that English isn't her first language.
I don't think she was misunderstood. She keeps calling the people who provide any caution for financial planning "evil." And she says, "I have zero concerns right now and I will financially prepare to deal with problems when they arise, not before." So then why is she on this forum asking for input if she has no concerns and doesn't want to plan for any potential problems? I agree with englishteacheralex and mustachepungoeshere.
Wow! I'm so glad I found this. The mother-to-be in question made what I thought was an unnecessarily snarky comment. When I called her out, whoa, did I get a load of [mostly irrelevant] shit dumped on my head! I gave myself a 24 hour time out before responding, but I'm still fuming. Thanks to this thread for providing a much-needed pressure relief valve. Whew! I needed that!
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I understand the sentiment, and as a mother of two handicapped kids (with no genetic cause), I could pile onto the discussion about preparredness. But since Eva_Eva has a thread on this forum where this discussion could be taken in the open, and where she could be allowed to defend herself, I don't thing it is OK to have another discussion in a different thread. Especially when it is more mocking than discussion.
Please keep things sivil.
This.
I think mocking a member here "behind their back" violates forum rule #1, Don't Be A Jerk.
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I'm feeling guilty. Gonna delete my snarky post.
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Okay. I have also deleted my post.
But, honest question, why is the Anti-Mustiachian Wall of Shame & Comedy allowed? It's okay to mock people on the internet, so long as they aren't members here?
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It's funny. Whenever I see this thread, I immediately think of a bunch of posts on the MMM forum that I would class as "OP doesn't get it." And I always laughed at the thought that someday, someone would link one to this thread.
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It's funny. Whenever I see this thread, I immediately think of a bunch of posts on the MMM forum that I would class as "OP doesn't get it." And I always laughed at the thought that someday, someone would link one to this thread.
I kinda thought that's what the thread was originally for, but later branched out to the larger world. Guess I should have read the whole thing. Well, whoops ;)
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Okay. I have also deleted my post.
But, honest question, why is the Anti-Mustiachian Wall of Shame & Comedy allowed? It's okay to mock people on the internet, so long as they aren't members here?
I'm sure the line between the two varies for everyone, but for me, if you're mocking someone where they are reasonably likely to read what you've written, that's over the line of nasty behaviour. Whereas writing "my coworker thinks I should buy a bigger car for my dogs, LOL" in Overheard at Work isn't likely to be read by said coworker.
I would also posit that there is a big difference between someone writing "my coworkers are so spendy! they all buy lunch every day and drive SUVs!" versus "let's all mock this woman because she thinks she's attractive". One feels more... shitty... than the other to me.
But these are my personal opinions, others may feel differently.
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I understand the sentiment, and as a mother of two handicapped kids (with no genetic cause), I could pile onto the discussion about preparredness. But since Eva_Eva has a thread on this forum where this discussion could be taken in the open, and where she could be allowed to defend herself, I don't thing it is OK to have another discussion in a different thread. Especially when it is more mocking than discussion.
Please keep things sivil.
This.
I think mocking a member here "behind their back" violates forum rule #1, Don't Be A Jerk.
Pretty sure I'm not mocking her, but I appreciate your point, gaja. I re-read my comment above and I'm going to let it stand. If anyone thinks otherwise, I'm willing to listen respectfully.
As to keeping things civil, the fact that many people have taken the time to write thoughtful comments in her journal that are based on real-life experience and a willingness to help, only to have them be rejected (and not politely) makes it perfectly okay to move their frustrations to this thread. it is patently obvious that she doesn't "get" the enormity of what she wants approval to do in any circumstance, let alone with her precarious finances. That's what this thread is for.
I appreciate your comments, HAH and gaja. I'm going to think about my response to E_E for another day, but I will not let it pass undefended.
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I would also posit that there is a big difference between someone writing "my coworkers are so spendy! they all buy lunch every day and drive SUVs!" versus "let's all mock this woman because she thinks she's attractive". One feels more... shitty... than the other to me.
But these are my personal opinions, others may feel differently.
I don’t understand how one of those things is any better than the other.
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I would also posit that there is a big difference between someone writing "my coworkers are so spendy! they all buy lunch every day and drive SUVs!" versus "let's all mock this woman because she thinks she's attractive". One feels more... shitty... than the other to me.
But these are my personal opinions, others may feel differently.
I don’t understand how one of those things is any better than the other.
If there's no difference to you, there's no difference to you. I was attempting to answer Sailor Sam's question from my point of view.
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I would also posit that there is a big difference between someone writing "my coworkers are so spendy! they all buy lunch every day and drive SUVs!" versus "let's all mock this woman because she thinks she's attractive". One feels more... shitty... than the other to me.
But these are my personal opinions, others may feel differently.
I don’t understand how one of those things is any better than the other.
I don't know about better or worse, but this is a financial forum. It seems more appropriate to make light of financial decisions.
Brining it back to finances, more attractive people do make more money on average. If attractive people are more likely to have attractive children, then you're giving your children a head start financially by finding another attractive person to procreate with.
http://www.businessinsider.com/a-few-surprising-facts-about-physical-attractiveness-and-income-2011-11
This would fall under, I don't agree with how the world works here, but since I know how it works, I'm going to try to take advantage of it. Which I think is acceptable.
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This would fall under, I don't agree with how the world works here, but since I know how it works, I'm going to try to take advantage of it. Which I think is acceptable.
I think it is more than acceptable. It's learning the rules so you can use them to your advantage. Isn't that the mustachian way?
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The thing about beauty, there's no guarantees. I think of this when I saw Dan Quayle and his wife. they are both good looking, but their kids, are kind of goofy looking. And I've seen families where the kids are gorgeous, but the individual parents, plain (maybe just didn't age well?).
https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/dan-quayle-with-his-family-high-res-stock-photography/576827568
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The thing about beauty, there's no guarantees. I think of this when I saw Dan Quayle and his wife. they are both good looking, but their kids, are kind of goofy looking. And I've seen families where the kids are gorgeous, but the individual parents, plain (maybe just didn't age well?).
https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/dan-quayle-with-his-family-high-res-stock-photography/576827568
I always thought that about Demi Moore and Bruce Willis. The brood didn’t quite catch all the gorgeousness.
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I always thought that about Demi Moore and Bruce Willis. The brood didn’t quite catch all the gorgeousness.
Well that pairing only had one set of gorgeous genes. Now if she had married Richard Gere . . . .
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I always thought that about Demi Moore and Bruce Willis. The brood didn’t quite catch all the gorgeousness.
Well that pairing only had one set of gorgeous genes. Now if she had married Richard Gere . . . .
Or Paul Newman...
Whoops, I got the wrong handsome guy. I meant Robert Redford, because I was thinking about the movie they made together. Indecent Proposal??
Willis has his charms, but he is not classically handsome. He's got a certain something, no mistake about it, but my money's on Butch and/or Sundance for the gene pool lottery.
OTOH, I'm not going so far as to dispute the attractiveness of anybody's real-life children. This conversation was about the unpredictability of the gene pool.
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Bruce Willis is in my top 3 sexy=attractive actors in Lala Land. What is wrong with you people.
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Bruce Willis is in my top 3 sexy=attractive actors in Lala Land. What is wrong with you people.
+1, but he is hot in a very different way to Demi Moore. I can't see their respective hotnesses amplifying each other, maybe they cancel each other out like waveforms.
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I'm glad you posted this. I really wanted to but didn't have the nerve. Totally belongs here.
2. Repeated assertions about her own awesomeness
Oh, + fucking 1.
I've read journals on here with fewer personal pronouns.
Yes, I'm 40 and I have been in perfect shape and health my entire life - in the gym all the time, eating only healthy stuff, always watching my lifestyle. So, I look and feel 30 - inside and out and better than many 25-year olds. I get a lot of dates but I'm picky because I worked hard for everything in my life. Could I just have any man that comes into my life, actually YES - I have many of those options but for what? -Just to have a mediocre sperm donor that's lukewarm about how he feels about me, isn't super healthy, mediocre looks and finances, and also looking for a second mother - NO THANKS! I have friends that have those kinds of men in their life - no thanks! This may sound selfish, yet again but here it is: - I look great and I will say life is easier as a beautiful person. I want a gorgeous child and I get to choose that. With money, I can do enough on my own without a deadbeat man-child around. I don't have the time and energy to raise a 40+ year old man that never wants to grow up. ... anyway... thank you for your input. The experience on this forum has been quite eye-opening and terrifying as to how evil some people can be.
And I am the most caring, kind person I know (I know it may not look that way from these posts but I am), so many of my local and out-of-state friends offered to help and that's so heartwarming.
As I said, I am an immigrant who started at negative in a brand new country and English isn't my native language, but I do speak 3 other ones - two of them fluently...
Of course I will survive - I'm the strongest person I know, I am a fighter and I have full confidence in my health and ability to get a well=paying job and hold it down.
If she is so convinced of her own awesomeness at absolutely everything, why is she on here asking for our permission, then casting aspersions when she doesn't get it?
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As it is, the genetics of looks is not all that assured; we all know fabulously sensational movie-star couples that somehow fail to produce offspring that are 11 on the Celestial Beauty Scale.
It's because they won't do nose jobs, tummy tucks, or hair transplants on an infant. Reconstructive surgery yes, but not the movie star kind.
If you look at all the leading actresses you'll notice that there are just one or two noses. It's terrifying, like they all share the same sinuses or something.
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Yeah. I've joked before I could work as an actor in great Britain, but not the usa (my nose is too big).
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Captain Awkward: LW is chasing after a friendship he lost 14 years ago and still thinks he's entitled to a "valid explanation."
https://captainawkward.com/2018/03/26/1092-my-best-friend-dumped-me-years-ago-and-it-still-hurts/
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This thread is full of gems, I have chortled many times at the entries here. Sadly I have nothing to offer yet, but I will keep my eyes peeled for good 'uns.
tl;dr: PTF.
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Captain Awkward: LW is chasing after a friendship he lost 14 years ago and still thinks he's entitled to a "valid explanation."
https://captainawkward.com/2018/03/26/1092-my-best-friend-dumped-me-years-ago-and-it-still-hurts/
LW is being a dick, but it's also a pretty sad story.
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This is not your normal 'OP is the only one who doesn't see it', but I thought it would be of interest to this crowd.
How can I stop resenting my friend who doesn’t have to work?
(http://"http://www.askamanager.org/2018/03/how-can-i-stop-resenting-my-friend-who-doesnt-have-to-work.html")
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This is not your normal 'OP is the only one who doesn't see it', but I thought it would be of interest to this crowd.
How can I stop resenting my friend who doesn’t have to work?
(http://"http://www.askamanager.org/2018/03/how-can-i-stop-resenting-my-friend-who-doesnt-have-to-work.html")
Something got messy in your link: http://askamanager.org/2018/03/how-can-i-stop-resenting-my-friend-who-doesnt-have-to-work.html
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This is not your normal 'OP is the only one who doesn't see it', but I thought it would be of interest to this crowd.
How can I stop resenting my friend who doesn’t have to work?
(http://"http://www.askamanager.org/2018/03/how-can-i-stop-resenting-my-friend-who-doesnt-have-to-work.html")
I feel like the friend here is pretty insensitive to the writer's time. Even if you ER (which this person hasn't), you have to accept that people need to or want to work.
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Idk. In my mind a text message is something that you send when you want to and the recipient opens and reads when they want to. I look at text messages at lunch and when I leave, no other times, so if I got one midafternoon it wouldn't hurt my feelings at all.
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Idk. In my mind a text message is something that you send when you want to and the recipient opens and reads when they want to. I look at text messages at lunch and when I leave, no other times, so if I got one midafternoon it wouldn't hurt my feelings at all.
Yeah, I don't really understand the people who get all bent out of shape over sending/receiving time-sensitive text messages. If I have something urgent, I'm not going to use text. If you text me, I'm assuming it isn't urgent.
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Idk. In my mind a text message is something that you send when you want to and the recipient opens and reads when they want to. I look at text messages at lunch and when I leave, no other times, so if I got one midafternoon it wouldn't hurt my feelings at all.
Yeah, I don't really understand the people who get all bent out of shape over sending/receiving time-sensitive text messages. If I have something urgent, I'm not going to use text. If you text me, I'm assuming it isn't urgent.
It may depend on people's specific work environment. If someone has access to their phone, but doesn't use personal email at work, they may use text messages to communicate with their spouse. Some schools also communicate with parents by text now. Depending on the work place, text could become a critical path.
It would also be irritating to get off work and have a dozen texts from your friend who's been goofing around all day.
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I wouldn’t find that irritating at all.
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...or if someone has a single phone for work and personal use. I rarely get work text messages, but always assume that a phone call is either a personal emergency or work-related. Someone ringing up for a chat every day would tick me off, as would a deluge of personal text messages every day, because while I can ignore any individual call or message I can't just turn my phone off or ignore it completely.
That said, I thought Alison's advice to take a chill pill and use your words was pretty good.
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It would also be irritating to get off work and have a dozen texts from your friend who's been goofing around all day.
Do not disturb on specific people FTW! And group messages. Holy shit the group messages.
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love this thread! ptf
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http://www.askamanager.org/2018/04/im-frustrated-that-my-employee-didnt-want-the-post-baby-flexibility-i-arranged-for-her.html
TL;DR boss tries to be nice and arrange maternity leave and pumping space for employee with new baby, but doesn't ask employee what she actually wants first and then gets super judgey and offended about employee's personal choices.
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https://www.removeddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/8825e8/threw_an_employee_a_baby_shower_now_being/
https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/89wgwm/tricked_into_eating_something_i_dont_eat_at_work/
Manager insists on throwing a baby shower for a Jewish employee whose faith does not celebrate babies before their birth, wonders if she can fire her for getting upset about it. The internet finds the employee's own reddit thread asking if she has a case for discrimination with details that include being reprimanded for covering her hair, being told that something was kosher when it wasn't, etc.
tl; dr: terrible manager, all sympathy for the employee.
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https://www.removeddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/8825e8/threw_an_employee_a_baby_shower_now_being/
https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/89wgwm/tricked_into_eating_something_i_dont_eat_at_work/
Manager insists on throwing a baby shower for a Jewish employee whose faith does not celebrate babies before their birth, wonders if she can fire her for getting upset about it. The internet finds the employee's own reddit thread asking if she has a case for discrimination with details that include being reprimanded for covering her hair, being told that something was kosher when it wasn't, etc.
tl; dr: terrible manager, all sympathy for the employee.
Good heavens, I hope that employee got a lawyer and sued their asses off for a hostile work environment. If that pattern of posts doesn't scream religious discrimination, I don't know what does.
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https://www.removeddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/8825e8/threw_an_employee_a_baby_shower_now_being/
https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/89wgwm/tricked_into_eating_something_i_dont_eat_at_work/
Manager insists on throwing a baby shower for a Jewish employee whose faith does not celebrate babies before their birth, wonders if she can fire her for getting upset about it. The internet finds the employee's own reddit thread asking if she has a case for discrimination with details that include being reprimanded for covering her hair, being told that something was kosher when it wasn't, etc.
tl; dr: terrible manager, all sympathy for the employee.
OMFG! Sounds like someone made a pie crust with pork lard, lied about it, and fed it to an Orthodox Jew at their surprise work baby shower (which Orthodox Jews don't do as they feel it is bad luck for the baby) as some kind of nasty prank... what horrible, horrible people :-( And you just know they think they're "God fearing Christians" who are assured a spot in heaven. Ugh. I've never wanted a reddit account until this moment, because I so want to say something nice to that poor woman.
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But they were just being *nice*!
I really hope she was able to sue. Poor lady, as if working full time and being pregnant isn't stressful enough!
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https://www.removeddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/8825e8/threw_an_employee_a_baby_shower_now_being/
https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/89wgwm/tricked_into_eating_something_i_dont_eat_at_work/
Manager insists on throwing a baby shower for a Jewish employee whose faith does not celebrate babies before their birth, wonders if she can fire her for getting upset about it. The internet finds the employee's own reddit thread asking if she has a case for discrimination with details that include being reprimanded for covering her hair, being told that something was kosher when it wasn't, etc.
tl; dr: terrible manager, all sympathy for the employee.
OMFG! Sounds like someone made a pie crust with pork lard, lied about it, and fed it to an Orthodox Jew at their surprise work baby shower (which Orthodox Jews don't do as they feel it is bad luck for the baby) as some kind of nasty prank... what horrible, horrible people :-( And you just know they think they're "God fearing Christians" who are assured a spot in heaven. Ugh. I've never wanted a reddit account until this moment, because I so want to say something nice to that poor woman.
Holy shit! This is so, so, bad. I do hope the woman captured the info, gets a lawyer, and sues. That “manager” is just lead bully in a hostile work place.
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https://www.removeddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/8825e8/threw_an_employee_a_baby_shower_now_being/
https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/89wgwm/tricked_into_eating_something_i_dont_eat_at_work/
Manager insists on throwing a baby shower for a Jewish employee whose faith does not celebrate babies before their birth, wonders if she can fire her for getting upset about it. The internet finds the employee's own reddit thread asking if she has a case for discrimination with details that include being reprimanded for covering her hair, being told that something was kosher when it wasn't, etc.
tl; dr: terrible manager, all sympathy for the employee.
OMFG! Sounds like someone made a pie crust with pork lard, lied about it, and fed it to an Orthodox Jew at their surprise work baby shower (which Orthodox Jews don't do as they feel it is bad luck for the baby) as some kind of nasty prank... what horrible, horrible people :-( And you just know they think they're "God fearing Christians" who are assured a spot in heaven. Ugh. I've never wanted a reddit account until this moment, because I so want to say something nice to that poor woman.
Holy shit! This is so, so, bad. I do hope the woman captured the info, gets a lawyer, and sues. That “manager” is just lead bully in a hostile work place.
I actually decided to send the link to the Anti-Defamation League in case they could help her with legal advice/a friendly lawyer. No one should have to deal with that kind of thing ever, let alone when they are extremely pregnant and have way better things to do with their time and energy.
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https://www.removeddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/8825e8/threw_an_employee_a_baby_shower_now_being/
https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/89wgwm/tricked_into_eating_something_i_dont_eat_at_work/
Manager insists on throwing a baby shower for a Jewish employee whose faith does not celebrate babies before their birth, wonders if she can fire her for getting upset about it. The internet finds the employee's own reddit thread asking if she has a case for discrimination with details that include being reprimanded for covering her hair, being told that something was kosher when it wasn't, etc.
tl; dr: terrible manager, all sympathy for the employee.
OMFG! Sounds like someone made a pie crust with pork lard, lied about it, and fed it to an Orthodox Jew at their surprise work baby shower (which Orthodox Jews don't do as they feel it is bad luck for the baby) as some kind of nasty prank... what horrible, horrible people :-( And you just know they think they're "God fearing Christians" who are assured a spot in heaven. Ugh. I've never wanted a reddit account until this moment, because I so want to say something nice to that poor woman.
Holy shit! This is so, so, bad. I do hope the woman captured the info, gets a lawyer, and sues. That “manager” is just lead bully in a hostile work place.
I actually decided to send the link to the Anti-Defamation League in case they could help her with legal advice/a friendly lawyer. No one should have to deal with that kind of thing ever, let alone when they are extremely pregnant and have way better things to do with their time and energy.
There's a link in the 2nd thread that has all the comments from the first:
https://www.ceddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/8825e8/threw_an_employee_a_baby_shower_now_being/
Manager never changed her tone, I'm guessing their HR found out about it and made her delete everything. Just a reminder - nothing on the internet goes away.
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W-O-W that woman is TERRIBLE.
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Spotted on MSE: someone has a "massage business" run from their home... but its not breaking tenancy agreement because they've watched Law and Order!
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5869962
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Spotted on MSE: someone has a "massage business" run from their home... but its not breaking tenancy agreement because they've watched Law and Order!
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5869962
OP sort of comes around on this one but is pretty oblivious. After finally admitting they were in fact running a business from their rental:
Ok I suppose technically I am but again if a tree falls down in the forest and nobody hears or sees it does the tree truly fall down?
Can't even get the saying right... yes, the tree did in fact fall down.
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https://www.askamanager.org/2018/07/organizing-an-all-men-beach-weekend-for-coworkers-is-gossip-beneficial-at-work-and-more.html
#1. So much #1. I really hope this guy had the lightbulb go off.
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This thread is AMAZING.
(in other words, PTF. *dodges flames*)
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https://www.askamanager.org/2018/07/organizing-an-all-men-beach-weekend-for-coworkers-is-gossip-beneficial-at-work-and-more.html
#1. So much #1. I really hope this guy had the lightbulb go off.
Don't forget to search the comments for "Beach Poster" to hear the OP's reaction to the advice and everyone else's comments.
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https://www.askamanager.org/2018/07/organizing-an-all-men-beach-weekend-for-coworkers-is-gossip-beneficial-at-work-and-more.html
#1. So much #1. I really hope this guy had the lightbulb go off.
Don't forget to search the comments for "Beach Poster" to hear the OP's reaction to the advice and everyone else's comments.
Well, that took care of my free evening. Yipes.
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https://www.askamanager.org/2018/07/organizing-an-all-men-beach-weekend-for-coworkers-is-gossip-beneficial-at-work-and-more.html
#1. So much #1. I really hope this guy had the lightbulb go off.
Don't forget to search the comments for "Beach Poster" to hear the OP's reaction to the advice and everyone else's comments.
I hadn't seen that, thanks. And OMG. I really hope at some point he gets some empathy.
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posting-to-follow.
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I thought this one should be added to the list:
https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/off-topic/statistics-update/
I think this one also has the benefit of the OP finally getting it, and then attempting to make right.
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I thought this one should be added to the list:
https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/off-topic/statistics-update/
I think this one also has the benefit of the OP finally getting it, and then attempting to make right.
Well that's 10 minutes of my life I won't get back.
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I thought this one should be added to the list:
https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/off-topic/statistics-update/
I think this one also has the benefit of the OP finally getting it, and then attempting to make right.
Well that's 10 minutes of my life I won't get back.
Spend 2 more minutes here (https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/off-topic/brett-kavanaguh-yay-or-nay/msg2159413/#msg2159413). That post was the peak of the not-seeing-it.
Not so much because of not getting the math right, but the bombast.
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A few months ago, I started to awaken to the fact that most people believe things that are lunatic-level batshit crazy. Somehow, we've created a world in which we get by anyway. I drive to work (sorry), thinking about how I don't live in a reality that even approaches something that much of our society perceives to be reality.
The true art is that 40 million people aren't protesting and burning stuff. I think these fantasy beliefs are a big part of the reason.
And yet, despite all odds, I'm somehow the only person who adequately and accurately comprehends reality.
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I thought this one should be added to the list:
https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/off-topic/statistics-update/
I think this one also has the benefit of the OP finally getting it, and then attempting to make right.
That epiphany though! Credit to him for actually acknowledging he was wrong and here's hoping he's more able to recognise the feedback in future...
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The thing about that thread is that OP specifically sought after an expert in Bayesian statistics, when the problem is one that undergrads in any statistics-based field study. Many frequentist statisticians would have been perfectly capable of helping OP.
And if you're too far removed from the Bayesian-frequentist war that is tearing academics apart, you're missing a ton* of drama.
*plus or minus 300 kilograms
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A few months ago, I started to awaken to the fact that most people believe things that are lunatic-level batshit crazy. Somehow, we've created a world in which we get by anyway. I drive to work (sorry), thinking about how I don't live in a reality that even approaches something that much of our society perceives to be reality.
The true art is that 40 million people aren't protesting and burning stuff. I think these fantasy beliefs are a big part of the reason.
And yet, despite all odds, I'm somehow the only person who adequately and accurately comprehends reality.
(https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sheeple.png) (https://xkcd.com/610/)
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OP was the only who didn't see it...and even after being called out, is still the only one:
https://www.askamanager.org/2018/12/updates-the-insulting-gift-the-employee-born-on-leap-day-and-more.html
Synopsis: My company gives a birthday linked fringe benefit: a day off, a gift card and cake. Each employee gets this treatment on their birthday of the workday following his/her birthday. One employee, who was born on leap day, and thus is only entitled to the benefit once every 4 years, had the temerity to complain that she was not treated equally. This special snowflake feels "excluded" by a clear written policy.
Can this be real...or is it just a long-con of a troll?
In the comments, I suggested Ask A Manager Allison invite this poster onto her podcast. I hope Allison sees it. That would be hilarious must-listen net content.
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https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/12/dear-prudence-best-letters-2018.html
Motherlode. There are about four entries in this link are clear-cut "OP is the only one" examples.
The "second-class grandma" banned from the delivery room because she's too extra is my favorite. She found herself "stunned and hurt by the unfairness of the decision" to include the delivering mom's own mother but exclude her.
Close runner-up: The lady furious because her daughter-in-law knitted her a gift with yarn purchased using a gift card the OP gave as a previous present. So great was the lady's ire at this thinly veiled regifting, she contemplates writing a letter "expressing [her] sadness that the [daughter-inlaw's] own parents didn’t teach her gift etiquette."
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Ahhh etiquette. Sometimes worthwhile, sometimes someone else making up rules and lording them over another person. No thanks.
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OP was the only who didn't see it...and even after being called out, is still the only one:
https://www.askamanager.org/2018/12/updates-the-insulting-gift-the-employee-born-on-leap-day-and-more.html
Synopsis: My company gives a birthday linked fringe benefit: a day off, a gift card and cake. Each employee gets this treatment on their birthday of the workday following his/her birthday. One employee, who was born on leap day, and thus is only entitled to the benefit once every 4 years, had the temerity to complain that she was not treated equally. This special snowflake feels "excluded" by a clear written policy.
Can this be real...or is it just a long-con of a troll?
In the comments, I suggested Ask A Manager Allison invite this poster onto her podcast. I hope Allison sees it. That would be hilarious must-listen net content.
This one also enraged me because of the arbitrariness of it. Op fully acknowldges if someone's birthday falls on the weekend say the 31st their birthday is on a Sunday, that the employee would be granted the following Monday (the 1st) off. Yet can't make the leap for someone born on the 29th, to clebrate 3/1 as their birthday on an off year. Makes me want to quit for that person.
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Resurrecting a good thread for a guy who wants to know, geez, doesn't everyone yell at their wife to get going on a Monday morning? Who can even figure out how to resolve problems without yelling?
https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/02/yelling-during-arguments-care-and-feeding.html
Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife and I fight a lot. We try to keep perspective. For instance, it’s hard to imagine that any couple with two stressful full-time jobs, little kids, and limited resources wouldn’t be fighting a bunch. At a minimum, on a Monday morning, fighting can sometimes seem necessary just to push away the exhaustion and start moving. We’re not like the people on Facebook. We don’t get vacations.
Years ago, I used to yell a lot during fights. Now, strangely, she’s sometimes louder and more aggressive than me. Due to our past, however, I’ll always be branded “the angry one,” a title never to be repealed. At my wife’s request I’ve worked on decreasing my yelling. I grew up in a family that fights and yells and argues and she comes from a family that never yelled. I can’t imagine how they aired and resolved problems, so go figure. So in her world yelling in general—but especially in front of the kids—is a cardinal sin. I don’t claim that it’s the pinnacle of good family health, but in general I consider us good parents and our lovely children well-behaved.
I wanted to ask about this yelling thing. Surely every parenting expert (I’m skeptical that such a person exists) avers that yelling in the house, in front of the kids, between a loving couple, is absolutely not OK. And yet I remain not wholly convinced. Could there be a family who is perfect in resolving differences? If so, it must be because they amicably separated years ago. Yelling isn’t pretty or healthy (whatever) but I consider it part of relationship life.
My wife can be very emotionally manipulative. Is that better than yelling? At least with yelling the other party knows the position. One may not be able to rationally sort out differences in the heat of the moment with an angry person but there’s a certain transparency to yelling. We know what they’re thinking. Emotional manipulation—which may include sarcasm, twists of tone, guilting, gaslighting, bringing spouse’s other intimate personal matters into an argument, bringing spouse’s work relationships into an argument—seems to me far more destructive and poisonous than yelling, in particular because within their subtle art, a deft manipulator can eschew any responsibility whatsoever. It’s true, how does one know it’s there? So it takes a lot of energy to attempt to gather evidence that emotional manipulation is even taking place and even if evidence is found, it’s nearly impossible to get a deft manipulator to fess up and not twist the evidence until it doesn’t exist.
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Oh my god and the next paragraph after what you quoted:
The strangest part is that my wife sees yelling as a behavior of the traditional bullying conservative male, that he is aggressive and authoritative. She does not seem to see emotional manipulation as a behavior of the traditional bullying female. At a minimum, this question should show how deeply thoughtful a man I am
And he talks about her gaslighting him, geez.
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Oh my god and the next paragraph after what you quoted:
The strangest part is that my wife sees yelling as a behavior of the traditional bullying conservative male, that he is aggressive and authoritative. She does not seem to see emotional manipulation as a behavior of the traditional bullying female. At a minimum, this question should show how deeply thoughtful a man I am
And he talks about her gaslighting him, geez.
Can't help but wondering if he is talking about her crying after he screamed at her.
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Oh my god and the next paragraph after what you quoted:
The strangest part is that my wife sees yelling as a behavior of the traditional bullying conservative male, that he is aggressive and authoritative. She does not seem to see emotional manipulation as a behavior of the traditional bullying female. At a minimum, this question should show how deeply thoughtful a man I am
And he talks about her gaslighting him, geez.
Can't help but wondering if he is talking about her crying after he screamed at her.
OMG. That brings back memories of my ex-husband. Yup, he would always accuse me of being manipulative for getting upset during an argument when he was being awful to me. Like I was just doing it to get the upper hand. Ugh.
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I don't like Monday mornings either. I get going by drinking water, listening to music. Oh yeah, coffee. Not by...deliberately starting a fight.
Yeah, this marriage is doomed. When you start focusing on how to "gather evidence" against a spouse...
As with almost every internet article, I'd love to see their budget. How is it possible that two fully employed people can't afford ANY vacations? Not even a long weekend? They need a break.
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I don't like Monday mornings either. I get going by drinking water, listening to music. Oh yeah, coffee. Not by...deliberately starting a fight.
Yeah, this marriage is doomed. When you start focusing on how to "gather evidence" against a spouse...
As with almost every internet article, I'd love to see their budget. How is it possible that two fully employed people can't afford ANY vacations? Not even a long weekend? They need a break.
I assume they take vacations, but they visit family and take road trips, they don't go to Europe or take week long cruises like those other people.
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How do people air grievances and resolve issues without yelling? Literally how? Please, someone clue me in here. The only options are either traditional male bullying or traditional female bullying. Obviously male bullying is better. Everyone on the planet says yelling fucks kids up but it certainly didn't fuck ME up.
Mate, there is this magical thing that has all the benefits of yelling but without the actual yelling. It's called TALKING.
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But what is yelling but merely talking at very loud and threatening volumes
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Mate, there is this magical thing that has all the benefits of yelling but without the actual yelling. It's called TALKING.
You are blowing my mind right now. I'm going to take this home and try it on my marriage!
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Mate, there is this magical thing that has all the benefits of yelling but without the actual yelling. It's called TALKING.
You are blowing my mind right now. I'm going to take this home and try it on my marriage!
Yeah! I'm going to go try it at my marriage!
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I feel really bad for his wife. Yes, yes there are couples who resolve differences without fighting and yelling. Having grown up in a house with lots of yelling from one parent, I would never ever do that to a child of mine.
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I remember seeing my brother and SIL get into a yelling match when their daughter was about six months old. She didn't even understand English yet, but she was wailing and crying so much that it absolutely crushed me as a bystander. We were all at my parents and my mom did her best to try to calm things down. How people can regularly put their children through that is beyond me.
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I feel really bad for his wife. Yes, yes there are couples who resolve differences without fighting and yelling. Having grown up in a house with lots of yelling from one parent, I would never ever do that to a child of mine.
Same. In fact, I don’t plan to have children because I really don’t have the temperament for it and am afraid that I would resort to what I learned by example (as my parent did). I still turn into a crying, shaky mess when a man loses it and starts screaming in my vicinity. I refuse to risk that with another generation.
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Obviously this guy doesn't realize how bad his situation is, if a yelling argument is how to get going on a Monday. That sounds miserable.
So, genuine question - when (small) kids or life upsets put you at your wit's end, how do you react? My mom always yelled. It wasn't threatening (well, at 4 it was, but by 9 or so it wasn't). It was the tone switch to "you kids are going to listen and do as I say now (usually getting ready, putting toys away, stop doing the dangerous thing now for goodness sake)". When I'm super frustrated and overwhelmed at home, I'll raise my voice for about 5-10 seconds for a short sentence, that blows off the very built up frustration, and then I can talk. I don't have kids yet. My DH is always at least in the next room while I do it, and I don't say anything mean. It happens probably 3x/month. My "I'm fed up now" signal is yelling, briefly. I'll be honest, it feels very good to me and is effective. What do you all do at that point?
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it’s hard to imagine that any couple with two stressful full-time jobs, little kids, and limited resources wouldn’t be fighting a bunch.
That's sad.
I grew up in a family that fights and yells and argues and she comes from a family that never yelled. I can’t imagine how they aired and resolved problems, so go figure.
I wonder, does he also smacks his kids because there's no other way of educating them or spends all his money because there's no other way of enjoying life?
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Obviously this guy doesn't realize how bad his situation is, if a yelling argument is how to get going on a Monday. That sounds miserable.
So, genuine question - when (small) kids or life upsets put you at your wit's end, how do you react? My mom always yelled. It wasn't threatening (well, at 4 it was, but by 9 or so it wasn't). It was the tone switch to "you kids are going to listen and do as I say now (usually getting ready, putting toys away, stop doing the dangerous thing now for goodness sake)". When I'm super frustrated and overwhelmed at home, I'll raise my voice for about 5-10 seconds for a short sentence, that blows off the very built up frustration, and then I can talk. I don't have kids yet. My DH is always at least in the next room while I do it, and I don't say anything mean. It happens probably 3x/month. My "I'm fed up now" signal is yelling, briefly. I'll be honest, it feels very good to me and is effective. What do you all do at that point?
There's a big difference between a brief loud tone proportional to the situation and unhinged screaming. It sounds like you use the former. My mom did, too, and because she didn't use it often, I took it seriously. She was generally very warm and loving, so it was not threatening. My dad used the latter. I am 40 and to this day, a man who loses control and starts screaming irrationally still sends me into a panic attack. (Disclaimer: my dad has changed a LOT and I have a decent adult relationship with him now. I trust him not to lose control of himself now.)
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I used to never yell. If anything it would be my ex who would yell. But I have to admit by the end of my marriage I became a yeller. I would lose my sh*t over relatively minor stuff and start yelling. Not at people, but at the computer, or out loud where are the scissors!?! I know why I did it. I felt overwhelmed, ignored, and unsupported. So when I would run up to one of my minimum but important to me requests and rules of the house and it was ignored (Leave the pair of office scissors in the office. Leave the kitchen scissors in the kitchen. Don't change the passwords on the computer without writing them down/letting me know. Don't break/lose a piece of technology and leave for me to discover and have to deal with). Thankfully once my ex left a lot of the tension left (as well as less missing items). Yelling as a rule in a household is just not a healthy way to communicate. I have to admit the guy I'm seeing does say or do things that tick me off! But at some point I realized he never raises his voice! Not to me or other people. It is a refreshing change to see it is completely unnecessary. I do sometimes lose my temper and yell (i.e. missing tv remote), but is is much less frequent.
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Obviously this guy doesn't realize how bad his situation is, if a yelling argument is how to get going on a Monday. That sounds miserable.
So, genuine question - when (small) kids or life upsets put you at your wit's end, how do you react? My mom always yelled. It wasn't threatening (well, at 4 it was, but by 9 or so it wasn't). It was the tone switch to "you kids are going to listen and do as I say now (usually getting ready, putting toys away, stop doing the dangerous thing now for goodness sake)". When I'm super frustrated and overwhelmed at home, I'll raise my voice for about 5-10 seconds for a short sentence, that blows off the very built up frustration, and then I can talk. I don't have kids yet. My DH is always at least in the next room while I do it, and I don't say anything mean. It happens probably 3x/month. My "I'm fed up now" signal is yelling, briefly. I'll be honest, it feels very good to me and is effective. What do you all do at that point?
I try to be mindful of my stress levels before I get to that point. When dealing with my small human sometimes I have to say "Mommy is feeling frustrated." Small human's age kind of determines how things go from there - at the tiny, immobile stage it's totally okay to put them in their crib, shut the door and walk away for a few minutes to get yourself together or tag in your spouse while you go for a walk. The baby monitor was great at this stage because I'd turn the volume down all the way but I could still see him moving around so I knew he was alive/safe but the screaming wasn't grating my nerve and I had a chance to recover.
Now we're in the toddler/preschooler stage. I like to read what my spouse jokingly calls self-help books but I feel like they are more like family help because it helps get ahead of things before they spiral out of control a lot of time so you're not setting up a pattern of emotional eruptions (like, say, starting off your Monday with a screaming match with your spouse). There's still times that everything seems to be going wrong but a lot of times offering kid choices helps, even if he doesn't like either choice. For example, at bedtime he likes to stall and I just want to GTFO because I'm tired so I ask him to choose a book to read. He dithers and plays with his stuffed animals, I choose two and ask if he wants option A or option B ... or else mama will pick. Usually when I say "or mama will pick" he suddenly snaps to and chooses because he likes having that control over his life. As much as possible we try to let him choose what he can - he can choose what shoes to wear but he has to wear shoes to school, things like that. I've heard a car analogy for this - the adults are driving but the kids get to control what's on the radio (except I don't actually let him choose what we listen to in the car in real life because he has terrible taste in music, but you get the idea).
Oh, and time outs are a thing (or time ins, depending on your kid's personality). I have put myself in time out before, my husband has more of a temper and puts himself in time out once a week at least but we talk about our feelings a lot more and he's improved because he is putting himself in time out before he gets to the point of yelling. It's great for small human too because he sees A) that we have feelings too, B) we sometimes have trouble dealing with our feelings just like he has trouble, and C) what it is we do to actually help ourselves with our feelings, which is usually the same things we ask him to do to calm himself down. We also have board books like "I'm Feeling Mad" featuring Daniel Tiger that talk about feelings in an age-appropriate way so he can recognize his own feelings so that he doesn't go off the rails causing us to feel like we're going off the rails too.
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Obviously this guy doesn't realize how bad his situation is, if a yelling argument is how to get going on a Monday. That sounds miserable.
So, genuine question - when (small) kids or life upsets put you at your wit's end, how do you react? My mom always yelled. It wasn't threatening (well, at 4 it was, but by 9 or so it wasn't). It was the tone switch to "you kids are going to listen and do as I say now (usually getting ready, putting toys away, stop doing the dangerous thing now for goodness sake)". When I'm super frustrated and overwhelmed at home, I'll raise my voice for about 5-10 seconds for a short sentence, that blows off the very built up frustration, and then I can talk. I don't have kids yet. My DH is always at least in the next room while I do it, and I don't say anything mean. It happens probably 3x/month. My "I'm fed up now" signal is yelling, briefly. I'll be honest, it feels very good to me and is effective. What do you all do at that point?
There's a big difference between a brief loud tone proportional to the situation and unhinged screaming. It sounds like you use the former. My mom did, too, and because she didn't use it often, I took it seriously. She was generally very warm and loving, so it was not threatening. My dad used the latter. I am 40 and to this day, a man who loses control and starts screaming irrationally still sends me into a panic attack. (Disclaimer: my dad has changed a LOT and I have a decent adult relationship with him now. I trust him not to lose control of himself now.)
Jen, I'm so sorry! It sucks to be a kid with parents who can't manage to, you know, actually parent. (I had one too, but he relied/still relies on gaslighting and lying while building himself up, rather than unhinged screaming. Mostly.) I still get furious when someone lies to me in ways that contradict my own experiences, but I'm handling it better these days. Also, it's absurd: no one should be doing that to another human being, so being able to label it out loud helps.
To your earlier point, when my husband and I had been dating for a while, my dad instigated <another horrible thing around my grandparents' wills just after their deaths>, and I convinced my workplace insurance that they should pay for my therapy for a while (by describing what was happening in fairly dispassionate terms, which horrified the person doing the screening). At one point, my then-partner came with me, and after that it became for both of us, mostly learning how to have a relationship that in no way resembled either of the ones our parents had modeled. I wasn't sure about having kids either, but after some years we decided to give it a shot.
We read a LOT of books. We're both mathematicians, so we tend toward books that have some legitimate experimental or developmental support (rather than Dr. So-and-so's opinion about what children "need"). We really liked the "How to Talk So kids Will Listen..." series. We check in with each other frequently about kid-related stuff. We talk with our kid's teachers/counselors/friend's parents. (Although we don't necessarily agree with everything anyone else says, it's helpful to gather information.) We have a couple of aunts who have good advice. We really engaged with our neighbors, trying to help make our community a place we'd want to raise kids. We kept an eye on other people's children, and they kept eyes on ours. Our kids are now 14 and 17, and I'm fairly comfortable that we've done a reasonably good job with the people that they are. (so far, knock on wood.) We try to keep the long view in mine, i.e. "what kind of person do we want to encourage this kid to be as an adult?"
When push really comes to shove, sometimes we think "what would our parents do in this situation" and then do the opposite. Although at this point we mostly have our own ideas about what is effective or good parenting.
So, feel free to decide what you want -- yhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCUGMMEF2Zk (http://yhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCUGMMEF2Zk)! you can be a parent (or not) and whatever kind of grownup you choose.
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I used to never yell. If anything it would be my ex who would yell. But I have to admit by the end of my marriage I became a yeller. I would lose my sh*t over relatively minor stuff and start yelling. Not at people, but at the computer, or out loud where are the scissors!?! I know why I did it. I felt overwhelmed, ignored, and unsupported. So when I would run up to one of my minimum but important to me requests and rules of the house and it was ignored (Leave the pair of office scissors in the office. Leave the kitchen scissors in the kitchen. Don't change the passwords on the computer without writing them down/letting me know. Don't break/lose a piece of technology and leave for me to discover and have to deal with). Thankfully once my ex left a lot of the tension left (as well as less missing items). Yelling as a rule in a household is just not a healthy way to communicate. I have to admit the guy I'm seeing does say or do things that tick me off! But at some point I realized he never raises his voice! Not to me or other people. It is a refreshing change to see it is completely unnecessary. I do sometimes lose my temper and yell (i.e. missing tv remote), but is is much less frequent.
Ha, the last 3 weeks or so of harvest (a very intense, stressful, and tiring time) I'll drop something on the floor and just yell. No words, just a loud sound for about 3 seconds. Then pick it up and go on my way. So I completely understand your general feeling, without being in that same situation.
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I used to never yell. If anything it would be my ex who would yell. But I have to admit by the end of my marriage I became a yeller. I would lose my sh*t over relatively minor stuff and start yelling. Not at people, but at the computer, or out loud where are the scissors!?! I know why I did it. I felt overwhelmed, ignored, and unsupported. So when I would run up to one of my minimum but important to me requests and rules of the house and it was ignored (Leave the pair of office scissors in the office. Leave the kitchen scissors in the kitchen. Don't change the passwords on the computer without writing them down/letting me know. Don't break/lose a piece of technology and leave for me to discover and have to deal with). Thankfully once my ex left a lot of the tension left (as well as less missing items). Yelling as a rule in a household is just not a healthy way to communicate. I have to admit the guy I'm seeing does say or do things that tick me off! But at some point I realized he never raises his voice! Not to me or other people. It is a refreshing change to see it is completely unnecessary. I do sometimes lose my temper and yell (i.e. missing tv remote), but is is much less frequent.
Ha, the last 3 weeks or so of harvest (a very intense, stressful, and tiring time) I'll drop something on the floor and just yell. No words, just a loud sound for about 3 seconds. Then pick it up and go on my way. So I completely understand your general feeling, without being in that same situation.
I think the "not yelling at people" part is very important. I also yell sometimes when I'm really frustrated -- yeah, it feels good, as does swearing. It's a way to let off steam, and the science actually shows that it does help relieve stress. So, it can be a good thing for the yeller/swearer, as long as it's not directed at someone.
When you're yelling at someone, you're relieving your own stress, but increasing the stress of the other person. That's uncool. That's the distinction I make.
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Obviously this guy doesn't realize how bad his situation is, if a yelling argument is how to get going on a Monday. That sounds miserable.
So, genuine question - when (small) kids or life upsets put you at your wit's end, how do you react? My mom always yelled. It wasn't threatening (well, at 4 it was, but by 9 or so it wasn't). It was the tone switch to "you kids are going to listen and do as I say now (usually getting ready, putting toys away, stop doing the dangerous thing now for goodness sake)". When I'm super frustrated and overwhelmed at home, I'll raise my voice for about 5-10 seconds for a short sentence, that blows off the very built up frustration, and then I can talk. I don't have kids yet. My DH is always at least in the next room while I do it, and I don't say anything mean. It happens probably 3x/month. My "I'm fed up now" signal is yelling, briefly. I'll be honest, it feels very good to me and is effective. What do you all do at that point?
There's a big difference between a brief loud tone proportional to the situation and unhinged screaming. It sounds like you use the former. My mom did, too, and because she didn't use it often, I took it seriously. She was generally very warm and loving, so it was not threatening. My dad used the latter. I am 40 and to this day, a man who loses control and starts screaming irrationally still sends me into a panic attack. (Disclaimer: my dad has changed a LOT and I have a decent adult relationship with him now. I trust him not to lose control of himself now.)
Jen, I'm so sorry! It sucks to be a kid with parents who can't manage to, you know, actually parent. (I had one too, but he relied/still relies on gaslighting and lying while building himself up, rather than unhinged screaming. Mostly.) I still get furious when someone lies to me in ways that contradict my own experiences, but I'm handling it better these days. Also, it's absurd: no one should be doing that to another human being, so being able to label it out loud helps.
To your earlier point, when my husband and I had been dating for a while, my dad instigated <another horrible thing around my grandparents' wills just after their deaths>, and I convinced my workplace insurance that they should pay for my therapy for a while (by describing what was happening in fairly dispassionate terms, which horrified the person doing the screening). At one point, my then-partner came with me, and after that it became for both of us, mostly learning how to have a relationship that in no way resembled either of the ones our parents had modeled. I wasn't sure about having kids either, but after some years we decided to give it a shot.
We read a LOT of books. We're both mathematicians, so we tend toward books that have some legitimate experimental or developmental support (rather than Dr. So-and-so's opinion about what children "need"). We really liked the "How to Talk So kids Will Listen..." series. We check in with each other frequently about kid-related stuff. We talk with our kid's teachers/counselors/friend's parents. (Although we don't necessarily agree with everything anyone else says, it's helpful to gather information.) We have a couple of aunts who have good advice. We really engaged with our neighbors, trying to help make our community a place we'd want to raise kids. We kept an eye on other people's children, and they kept eyes on ours. Our kids are now 14 and 17, and I'm fairly comfortable that we've done a reasonably good job with the people that they are. (so far, knock on wood.) We try to keep the long view in mine, i.e. "what kind of person do we want to encourage this kid to be as an adult?"
When push really comes to shove, sometimes we think "what would our parents do in this situation" and then do the opposite. Although at this point we mostly have our own ideas about what is effective or good parenting.
So, feel free to decide what you want -- yhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCUGMMEF2Zk (http://yhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCUGMMEF2Zk)! you can be a parent (or not) and whatever kind of grownup you choose.
I'm 40 and have no desire to be a parent. A large part is temperament and issues from my own childhood, but I also don't have a maternal instinct. I love my young niece and nephew to bits, but it's a huge relief to hand them back to the people who are legally responsible for them and go back to my quiet house. Fortunately for me, husband became less and less interested in having kids as our friends started having them.
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As others have said, there's a huge difference between a five second yell of anguish to the world at large and an ongoing argument of yelling at someone.
In our house we make liberal use of "I can't talk to you right now" and take ourselves off to calm down. Contentious issues are often addressed in writing so we can carefully craft what we actually mean to say and not get carried away into saying something we'll regret. We don't fight much, but neither of us was brought up on yelling.
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I feel really bad for his wife. Yes, yes there are couples who resolve differences without fighting and yelling. Having grown up in a house with lots of yelling from one parent, I would never ever do that to a child of mine.
Same. In fact, I don’t plan to have children because I really don’t have the temperament for it and am afraid that I would resort to what I learned by example (as my parent did). I still turn into a crying, shaky mess when a man loses it and starts screaming in my vicinity. I refuse to risk that with another generation.
Boy I feel you. In my marriage, I'm the impatient, cranky, emotional, sometimes irrational one. Plus: I get hangry.
But interestingly...here we are, >20 years in, with two kids. (I didn't want kids, didn't have the temperament for it. I understand you there. I am positive I would be 100% happy if I had not had them. But of course, I'd never trade them for anything now because they are my world.)
I still get hangry and pissy, mostly at work. But at home? I am totally 100% mostly the calm, rational, patient one. My husband gets frustrated and yells, and I've had to tell him to STFU, go for a walk, chill out, take a nap. I dunno how it happened, but having kids made me more patient. I guess it was either learn to be patient or start drinking heavily. (I still have occasional moments when I snap and yell.)
(Husband is under a lot of stress right now. So am I, but I have been religious in the last 2 years about exercise, sleep, and meditation.)
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I feel really bad for his wife. Yes, yes there are couples who resolve differences without fighting and yelling. Having grown up in a house with lots of yelling from one parent, I would never ever do that to a child of mine.
Same. In fact, I don’t plan to have children because I really don’t have the temperament for it and am afraid that I would resort to what I learned by example (as my parent did). I still turn into a crying, shaky mess when a man loses it and starts screaming in my vicinity. I refuse to risk that with another generation.
Boy I feel you. In my marriage, I'm the impatient, cranky, emotional, sometimes irrational one. Plus: I get hangry.
But interestingly...here we are, >20 years in, with two kids. (I didn't want kids, didn't have the temperament for it. I understand you there. I am positive I would be 100% happy if I had not had them. But of course, I'd never trade them for anything now because they are my world.)
I still get hangry and pissy, mostly at work. But at home? I am totally 100% mostly the calm, rational, patient one. My husband gets frustrated and yells, and I've had to tell him to STFU, go for a walk, chill out, take a nap. I dunno how it happened, but having kids made me more patient. I guess it was either learn to be patient or start drinking heavily. (I still have occasional moments when I snap and yell.)
(Husband is under a lot of stress right now. So am I, but I have been religious in the last 2 years about exercise, sleep, and meditation.)
I'm glad it worked out!
I'm 40 and am still waiting for the maternal urge to kick in (very, very unlikely at this point). I'd rather regret not having them because it isn't like I could give them back if I regretted having them.
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I feel really bad for his wife. Yes, yes there are couples who resolve differences without fighting and yelling. Having grown up in a house with lots of yelling from one parent, I would never ever do that to a child of mine.
Same. In fact, I don’t plan to have children because I really don’t have the temperament for it and am afraid that I would resort to what I learned by example (as my parent did). I still turn into a crying, shaky mess when a man loses it and starts screaming in my vicinity. I refuse to risk that with another generation.
Boy I feel you. In my marriage, I'm the impatient, cranky, emotional, sometimes irrational one. Plus: I get hangry.
But interestingly...here we are, >20 years in, with two kids. (I didn't want kids, didn't have the temperament for it. I understand you there. I am positive I would be 100% happy if I had not had them. But of course, I'd never trade them for anything now because they are my world.)
I still get hangry and pissy, mostly at work. But at home? I am totally 100% mostly the calm, rational, patient one. My husband gets frustrated and yells, and I've had to tell him to STFU, go for a walk, chill out, take a nap. I dunno how it happened, but having kids made me more patient. I guess it was either learn to be patient or start drinking heavily. (I still have occasional moments when I snap and yell.)
(Husband is under a lot of stress right now. So am I, but I have been religious in the last 2 years about exercise, sleep, and meditation.)
I'm glad it worked out!
I'm 40 and am still waiting for the maternal urge to kick in (very, very unlikely at this point). I'd rather regret not having them because it isn't like I could give them back if I regretted having them.
It's pretty awesome that you get to be the cool auntie. Everyone needs a couple of those, too!
(I also have to say -- teenagers are much cooler then small children IMHO. I voluntarily go spend time with ones I'm not related to as a fun break in my day.)
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Can I give a plug for Carvell's podcast "Mom and Dad are fighting".
I started listening to i late last year, and it's really helped me make peace with my failures as a parent.
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I used to never yell. If anything it would be my ex who would yell. But I have to admit by the end of my marriage I became a yeller. I would lose my sh*t over relatively minor stuff and start yelling. Not at people, but at the computer, or out loud where are the scissors!?! I know why I did it. I felt overwhelmed, ignored, and unsupported. So when I would run up to one of my minimum but important to me requests and rules of the house and it was ignored (Leave the pair of office scissors in the office. Leave the kitchen scissors in the kitchen. Don't change the passwords on the computer without writing them down/letting me know. Don't break/lose a piece of technology and leave for me to discover and have to deal with). Thankfully once my ex left a lot of the tension left (as well as less missing items). Yelling as a rule in a household is just not a healthy way to communicate. I have to admit the guy I'm seeing does say or do things that tick me off! But at some point I realized he never raises his voice! Not to me or other people. It is a refreshing change to see it is completely unnecessary. I do sometimes lose my temper and yell (i.e. missing tv remote), but is is much less frequent.
Ha, the last 3 weeks or so of harvest (a very intense, stressful, and tiring time) I'll drop something on the floor and just yell. No words, just a loud sound for about 3 seconds. Then pick it up and go on my way. So I completely understand your general feeling, without being in that same situation.
I think the "not yelling at people" part is very important. I also yell sometimes when I'm really frustrated -- yeah, it feels good, as does swearing. It's a way to let off steam, and the science actually shows that it does help relieve stress. So, it can be a good thing for the yeller/swearer, as long as it's not directed at someone.
When you're yelling at someone, you're relieving your own stress, but increasing the stress of the other person. That's uncool. That's the distinction I make.
Agreed. I am an infrequent yeller, but when no one's around, and something's bugging the hell out of me, it can be very cathartic to scream into the abyss. In nine years of marriage, my wife and I can probably count on two hands the number of times we've legitimately yelled at one another. It's far more frequent that we briefly raise our voices, as OtherJen said "proportional to the situation", but even that has become far less frequent with time. We really noticed it when our kids got old enough to call us out on it, too. I think it's probably a healthy sign that they feel that they can safely interject to tell us that we're "not being nice to each other" (Our oldest is 7).
Bottom line: I don't think anyone expects you to never raise your voice as a parent or spouse, but in a healthy relationship, it should be infrequent, and if it escalates to yelling, then that is a legitimate problem that needs to be corrected.
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We also apologise frequently and proactively. We snap more than yell, but acknowledge that it was wrong and we will try harder next time. OP guy just piled on with defending it, which was the most shocking thing to me.
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https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/real-estate-and-landlording/i've-lost-an-auto-paid-rent-check-tenant-won't-replace-it!/?PHPSESSID=b40holhmh8r12v6qm72gp0v8m7
Was pretty good...
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https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/real-estate-and-landlording/i've-lost-an-auto-paid-rent-check-tenant-won't-replace-it!/?PHPSESSID=b40holhmh8r12v6qm72gp0v8m7
Was pretty good...
Yep. Definitely OP doesn't get it. Jeebus.
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I feel really bad for his wife. Yes, yes there are couples who resolve differences without fighting and yelling. Having grown up in a house with lots of yelling from one parent, I would never ever do that to a child of mine.
Same. In fact, I don’t plan to have children because I really don’t have the temperament for it and am afraid that I would resort to what I learned by example (as my parent did). I still turn into a crying, shaky mess when a man loses it and starts screaming in my vicinity. I refuse to risk that with another generation.
Boy I feel you. In my marriage, I'm the impatient, cranky, emotional, sometimes irrational one. Plus: I get hangry.
But interestingly...here we are, >20 years in, with two kids. (I didn't want kids, didn't have the temperament for it. I understand you there. I am positive I would be 100% happy if I had not had them. But of course, I'd never trade them for anything now because they are my world.)
I still get hangry and pissy, mostly at work. But at home? I am totally 100% mostly the calm, rational, patient one. My husband gets frustrated and yells, and I've had to tell him to STFU, go for a walk, chill out, take a nap. I dunno how it happened, but having kids made me more patient. I guess it was either learn to be patient or start drinking heavily. (I still have occasional moments when I snap and yell.)
(Husband is under a lot of stress right now. So am I, but I have been religious in the last 2 years about exercise, sleep, and meditation.)
I'm glad it worked out!
I'm 40 and am still waiting for the maternal urge to kick in (very, very unlikely at this point). I'd rather regret not having them because it isn't like I could give them back if I regretted having them.
It's pretty awesome that you get to be the cool auntie. Everyone needs a couple of those, too!
(I also have to say -- teenagers are much cooler then small children IMHO. I voluntarily go spend time with ones I'm not related to as a fun break in my day.)
Hear hear! I am the 8th of 9 children. Of the 9 of us, two of my sisters did not have children. They are very much the cool aunties.
I've also got many cool auntie friends. Some who never wanted children, some who just "aged out" (40+, never met the right person, no strong urge to go it alone). They are AWESOME.
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https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/taxes/disturbing-question-on-2019-irs-tax-form/
OP asks "What level of lying to the IRS am I likely to get away with?"
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https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/taxes/disturbing-question-on-2019-irs-tax-form/
OP asks "What level of lying to the IRS am I likely to get away with?"
That's a real gem, thanks dandarc. I think my favorite was this part:
Please keep your moral judgements to yourself. This isn't a thread about morality. It's about finding a legal loophole to a tax question. While you're at it, I would also appreciate if you also refrained from virtue-signalling to gain status points on this forum.
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https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/taxes/disturbing-question-on-2019-irs-tax-form/
OP asks "What level of lying to the IRS am I likely to get away with?"
That's a real gem, thanks dandarc. I think my favorite was this part:
Please keep your moral judgements to yourself. This isn't a thread about morality. It's about finding a legal loophole to a tax question. While you're at it, I would also appreciate if you also refrained from virtue-signalling to gain status points on this forum.
Wait! What? This forum gives status points? Shit, I knew I was doing something wrong...
Man I have never wished an IRS audit on someone so badly as I do now. OP, you're insufferable.
Maybe a good contender for this thread:
https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/off-topic/op-is-the-only-one-who-doesn't-see-it/
I have no idea what the heck they're discussing in that thread.
^^This is my favorite part.^^ Sorry if this is a slight hijack, but there's NFW I'm commenting on that thread. If it weren't for Rule #1, I'd have a lot more to say.
Thanks for reviving this thread, @dandarc!
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If you want to virtue signal, go over to the intentional discomfort forum. Those people hand out face-punches like they're candy on Halloween.
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If you want to virtue signal, go over to the intentional discomfort forum. Those people hand out face-punches like they're candy on Halloween.
What is the " intentional discomfort forum"? It that really a Thing? OTOH, maybe I don't really want to know.
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If you want to virtue signal, go over to the intentional discomfort forum. Those people hand out face-punches like they're candy on Halloween.
What is the " intentional discomfort forum"? It that really a Thing? OTOH, maybe I don't really want to know.
https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/continue-the-blog-conversation/voluntary-discomfort-please-share-your-experiences!/
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If you want to virtue signal, go over to the intentional discomfort forum. Those people hand out face-punches like they're candy on Halloween.
What is the " intentional discomfort forum"? It that really a Thing? OTOH, maybe I don't really want to know.
https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/continue-the-blog-conversation/voluntary-discomfort-please-share-your-experiences!/
Oh, the Intentional Discomfort Thread on this Forum. I thought TT was referring to another Forum entirely, which sounded awful. A single thread is a snap to ignore, but thanks for the info, @Raenia!
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A repost/reminder of a situation on Ask A Manager:
https://www.askamanager.org/2020/02/the-leap-day-employee-finally-gets-her-birthday-off-this-year.html
Sometimes people just suck.
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Obviously this guy doesn't realize how bad his situation is, if a yelling argument is how to get going on a Monday. That sounds miserable.
So, genuine question - when (small) kids or life upsets put you at your wit's end, how do you react? My mom always yelled. It wasn't threatening (well, at 4 it was, but by 9 or so it wasn't). It was the tone switch to "you kids are going to listen and do as I say now (usually getting ready, putting toys away, stop doing the dangerous thing now for goodness sake)". When I'm super frustrated and overwhelmed at home, I'll raise my voice for about 5-10 seconds for a short sentence, that blows off the very built up frustration, and then I can talk. I don't have kids yet. My DH is always at least in the next room while I do it, and I don't say anything mean. It happens probably 3x/month. My "I'm fed up now" signal is yelling, briefly. I'll be honest, it feels very good to me and is effective. What do you all do at that point?
As a male who potentially has some undiagnosed anxiety, if there was any yelling besides "I'M TALKING PLEASE STOP BEING SO LOUD" it was always VERY much an anxiety inducing situation with significant effects. However, my parents didn't yell, it was only in unfamiliar situations that I ever saw it- and that parental yelling was never directed at me.
As far as I understand you, you are referring to making a loud exasperated noise at nobody in particular. I wouldn't call that "yelling" in this context, especially if you would never do it at a child. (An overly sensitive child might take things the wrong way if they heard it assuming it was directed at them, which I would be careful about, but it is nothing like other yelling people are talking about here)
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https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/03/dear-prudence-cover-story-secret-job-advice.html?via=landing_page_dear_prudie
"My birthday is being usurped"
I NEED NEED NEED to be the center of attention on my birthday. Trouble is, my stepdaughter is preggers and is scheduled to be induced on MY SPECIAL DAY. How can I make her understand that my NEED NEED NEEDs can't possibly take a backseat to a newborn baby? She should change the induction date immediately! Almost forgot to mention, I'm 64 years old and in the prime band of maturity.
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https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/03/dear-prudence-cover-story-secret-job-advice.html?via=landing_page_dear_prudie
"My birthday is being usurped"
I NEED NEED NEED to be the center of attention on my birthday. Trouble is, my stepdaughter is preggers and is scheduled to be induced on MY SPECIAL DAY. How can I make her understand that my NEED NEED NEEDs can't possibly take a backseat to a newborn baby? She should change the induction date immediately! Almost forgot to mention, I'm 64 years old and in the prime band of maturity.
Ugh, her response to that spoiled elder-child is so much nicer than mine would have been. I suspect I might have led with “Ok Boomer” and gone from there.
Seriously, this lady’s birthday is on a Thursday and everyone is expected to just drop everything? Even when I was a kid, I still went to school and my parents still worked on my birthday and It Was Fine.
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From the OP: “I enjoy being the center of attention and being spoiled one day a year, but from now on, the focus will always be on the child. ”
WOW.
Not ecstatic to get a grandchild or share a birthday (and hence special bond) with a grandchild.
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Meanwhile, everyone I know is lobbying me to have my (non-induction planned) kid on their birthday!
Apparently April is a popular month for birthdays. Obviously these comments are in jest, but wow to the self-centeredness not realize that there likely significant reasons for the planned date (e.g. OB-GYN recommendation about best time for the health of the mom/child, OB-GYN availability (weekends are out, and probably even Friday, and any days when other inductions/C-sections are planned), parent availability). Not to mention an induction may not even result in a child on that day. From my limited friend sample, it can be anywhere from that day to a few days later.
Ah well, silver lining - maybe the step-daughter will be lucky enough that the step-grandma will take herself off for that day every year.
-Child born on her grandparents' anniversary. (For years of course, I thought they had their anniversary on my birthday.)
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Extra lol/jaw drop at the crushing blame of "scheduled herself", as if she could have chosen any day in the year and deliberately picked the LW's birthday! When baby is due, baby is due, and if they need to be induced you just don't get an infinite number of dates to pick from. I think I was given a choice of two and didn't want to be induced at a weekend so really only one!
Both my children were born very near to family members birthdays and I got some stick for NOT giving birth so they could share a birthday!
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I have a couple of relatives who were Very Displeased that a grandchild's induction was scheduled for their anniversary and have already announced that they will not be attending any birthday celebrations beyond the 1 year old event. This announcement was made prior to the birth.
WTF? With an attitude like that, you can be sure that no one will miss you.
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I have a couple of relatives who were Very Displeased that a grandchild's induction was scheduled for their anniversary and have already announced that they will not be attending any birthday celebrations beyond the 1 year old event. This announcement was made prior to the birth.
WTF? With an attitude like that, you can be sure that no one will miss you.
Amen to that!
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I have a couple of relatives who were Very Displeased that a grandchild's induction was scheduled for their anniversary and have already announced that they will not be attending any birthday celebrations beyond the 1 year old event. This announcement was made prior to the birth.
WTF? With an attitude like that, you can be sure that no one will miss you.
Amen to that!
So much truth.
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DD was born a few days after my birthday, and I always said she was the best birthday present ever. What the ever-loving is the matter with this person? Sharing a birthday is great.
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Meanwhile, everyone I know is lobbying me to have my (non-induction planned) kid on their birthday!
Apparently April is a popular month for birthdays. Obviously these comments are in jest, but wow to the self-centeredness not realize that there likely significant reasons for the planned date (e.g. OB-GYN recommendation about best time for the health of the mom/child, OB-GYN availability (weekends are out, and probably even Friday, and any days when other inductions/C-sections are planned), parent availability). Not to mention an induction may not even result in a child on that day. From my limited friend sample, it can be anywhere from that day to a few days later.
Ah well, silver lining - maybe the step-daughter will be lucky enough that the step-grandma will take herself off for that day every year.
-Child born on her grandparents' anniversary. (For years of course, I thought they had their anniversary on my birthday.)
I was born on my grandma's birthday. My dad was at work, so my grandma drove my mom to the hospital!
(I'm one of almost 30 grandchildren, but the only one who shared her birthday!)
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DD was born a few days after my birthday, and I always said she was the best birthday present ever. What the ever-loving is the matter with this person? Sharing a birthday is great.
Same.
We were so old that I think people were "over it".
Kid #1 was born, I don't remember telling my mom (she was asleep I'm sure), so prob called her the next day. Called the inlaws that I was in labor, and they were busy with their dinner party, so kind of blew us off. I guess we were the 3rd grandkid, so whatever.
Kid #2 was born just 2 weeks after my birthday and a week before our 16th anniversary, so it was a big deal!
WE COULD NOT FIND ANYONE. It was a Saturday, and everyone was road tripping. My stepfather (my mom was gone by then), in-laws, sister in law...I wanted to tell everyone before it hit facebook, but when it's been 8 hours...sorry if that's how you find out! Nobody would answer their cells either.
Of all the things that happen around the same time, kid birthday is the most important.
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Love this thread. So much. How is it I am only now discovering it?! I've got my popcorn ready and can't wait for more.
I have a story. I observed somewhere on the social internet a person asking if anyone could help with meals/food as OP wasn't sure how to pay for food. There was much concern and an outpouring of support and people legit wanted to keep OP from literal starvation. A few days later, OP shared to the same audience a photo of two "buy one/get one free" alcoholic beverages that OP purchased to accompany a restaurant meal. OP's connections were flabbergasted about the obviously discretionary drinks and restaurant meal so soon after pleading poverty and accepting generosity. Some expressed they felt taken advantage of. OP mounted an intense self-defense and simply did not comprehend why people where upset.
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God, she was hard-up for money and had a chance to buy something for 50% off? Why wouldn't people be applauding her good sense?
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God, she was hard-up for money and had a chance to buy something for 50% off? Why wouldn't people be applauding her good sense?
Maybe the fore-mentioned step-grandmother up thread whose entire LIFE has been usurped by a little tiny baby could take pity on this poor woman and invite her to her all day birthday brunch? Plenty of frittata and mimosas to go around.
And personally, I think Prudence's response was weak at best on that one. She usually doesn't suffer such fools gladly.
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Why even be Prudence if you cannot treat idiots like that one with at least some gentleness.
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It was exactly 1 week ago I last saw TP in the store, and it was fairly plentiful at the time. I didn't need any, but I went ahead and bought extra because I heard of shortages elsewhere. So, I now have 300 rolls (regular equivalent).
It was exactly 2 weeks ago I last saw hand sanitizer in the store. I bought two large bottles of it. I wish I had bought a couple more.
A forumite(!) contributing to the grocery shortage by buying a years worth of toilet paper or more.
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We're mustachians. Buying in bulk when we sense it's a good deal is what we do.
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There is no good price for something you do not need.
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There is a high price for buying something you don't need while depriving people in need.
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Legit.
I've seen those posts asking for people who are financially secure to stay out of stores on 4/1-4/3 as the SNAP and WIC credits come in for people who are in need. My FiL insisted he had to have some stuff, so my wife went shopping for him. I decided to just bite my tongue because I'm pretty sure FiL would go to Wal-Mart on his own if this didn't happen, so at least my wife kept him out of circulation.
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Legit.
I've seen those posts asking for people who are financially secure to stay out of stores on 4/1-4/3 as the SNAP and WIC credits come in for people who are in need. My FiL insisted he had to have some stuff, so my wife went shopping for him. I decided to just bite my tongue because I'm pretty sure FiL would go to Wal-Mart on his own if this didn't happen, so at least my wife kept him out of circulation.
The thing is, that isn't necessarily true. In Texas, SNAP benefits are spread out over the first half of the month. Texas WIC doesn't include that in their FAQs.
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Legit.
I've seen those posts asking for people who are financially secure to stay out of stores on 4/1-4/3 as the SNAP and WIC credits come in for people who are in need. My FiL insisted he had to have some stuff, so my wife went shopping for him. I decided to just bite my tongue because I'm pretty sure FiL would go to Wal-Mart on his own if this didn't happen, so at least my wife kept him out of circulation.
I have also seen that, and while it's clearly well-intentioned, it is ill-informed. In my state, for example, WIC and SNAP benefits are paid out on the 4th-13th of the month depending on the last digit of the account number, so waiting until the 4th to start shopping is actually making SNAP/WIC beneficiaries worse off here. Other states have it on a continuous rolling basis. It's all state-based, so some social media post from who knows where is not helpful unless it references a state.
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Timelines by state:
https://fns-prod.azureedge.net/sites/default/files/snap/Monthly-Issuance-Schedule-All-States.pdf
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Timelines by state:
https://fns-prod.azureedge.net/sites/default/files/snap/Monthly-Issuance-Schedule-All-States.pdf
Thanks for that - I have worked for more than 12 years with the WIC program as an IT contractor, so I know a ton about the intricacies of how benefits work for that one. Many WIC participants are also on SNAP, but I haven't had a reason to know nearly as much detail on that one.
There is another one going around saying "look for the WIC sticker on the shelf and buy something else". That one is pretty much true, although not every grocery store everywhere does that. And of course, each state may have somewhat different rules.
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Legit.
I've seen those posts asking for people who are financially secure to stay out of stores on 4/1-4/3 as the SNAP and WIC credits come in for people who are in need. My FiL insisted he had to have some stuff, so my wife went shopping for him. I decided to just bite my tongue because I'm pretty sure FiL would go to Wal-Mart on his own if this didn't happen, so at least my wife kept him out of circulation.
I have also seen that, and while it's clearly well-intentioned, it is ill-informed. In my state, for example, WIC and SNAP benefits are paid out on the 4th-13th of the month depending on the last digit of the account number, so waiting until the 4th to start shopping is actually making SNAP/WIC beneficiaries worse off here. Other states have it on a continuous rolling basis. It's all state-based, so some social media post from who knows where is not helpful unless it references a state.
Yep. Even before COVID-19, I tried to shop on even-numbered days when possible because SNAP benefits are issued on odd-numbered days. May as well plan to avoid the crowds.
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Timelines by state:
https://fns-prod.azureedge.net/sites/default/files/snap/Monthly-Issuance-Schedule-All-States.pdf
Excellent. No worries about my needed shopping trip today or tomorrow (first in 2 weeks!) - benefits start going out starting the 5th in my state. My list isn't that long though, so I'm probably not the person they worry about.
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Another Prudie sighting! Skip down to "Roommate’s showers are driving me crazy."
https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/04/dear-prudence-offensive-jokes-rape-boyfriend-relationships-advice.html
Synopsis: My roommate is in the shower way too much. He takes 35 minute showers! He showers EVERY DAY! What's more, since the pandemic began, he's been showering TWICE A DAY, including when he gets home from his job at the hospital full of COVID-19 victims. I can't take it any more now that I'm sequestered at home and he's showering at me all the time.
Commentary: Prudie somehow doesn't see it either and is surprisingly gentle with this idiot. She advises trying to respectfully talk the roommate down to 15 minute showers. As far as I'm concerned, anyone who works on the front lines of COVID-19 can shower as much and for as long as they want. Take a bath for all I care; I'll even scrub the tub for you.
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Another Prudie sighting! Skip down to "Roommate’s showers are driving me crazy."
https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/04/dear-prudence-offensive-jokes-rape-boyfriend-relationships-advice.html
Synopsis: My roommate is in the shower way too much. He takes 35 minute showers! He showers EVERY DAY! What's more, since the pandemic began, he's been showering TWICE A DAY, including when he gets home from his job at the hospital full of COVID-19 victims. I can't take it any more now that I'm sequestered at home and he's showering at me all the time.
Commentary: Prudie somehow doesn't see it either and is surprisingly gentle with this idiot. She advises trying to respectfully talk the roommate down to 15 minute showers. As far as I'm concerned, anyone who works on the front lines of COVID-19 can shower as much and for as long as they want. Take a bath for all I care; I'll even scrub the tub for you.
I wonder what LW's real issues were. Too much bathroom time? Water usage if they're in a drought area? The power bill? Or just a controlling bitch. Agree with you: right now is not the time to pick fights with health care workers. And big picture, LW should seek non-room mate living options once this is all over.
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Yeah - from reading that there are at least 4 people in that house/apartment "discussed with other roommates". So you have OP, long-shower-taker, and plural other roommates. If it is a one-bathroom situation, taking 30+ minute showers is rude even in normal times. Could really be about the water bill or just using all the hot water. Maybe for some reason their water is really loud. Worried about the environment. I can think of lots of valid reasons for this to be an issue.
Of course OP didn't give any reason for the complaint - just states it is a problem.
I am with the @acepedro45 though - if you're working in a hospital right now and you live in my house, I'm not complaining about anything. Certainly not long showers.
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I don't mean to be presumptuous but...…..
I feel safe in saying this might be the best one of these on this thread so far.
It would be bad enough if in isolation: super elitist sounding woman who not only can't see she's wrong but is pretty much literally the person she is decrying that she is angry about in terms of not understanding or getting outside of their bubble. It only comes through more so in her complaints on others' comments calling her out.
However, to take the cake - this lady who's whole article is super complainy and is calling people out for their "privilege" in her comments
Her last name is White
And her first name......is Caren
https://medium.com/@carenawhite/why-you-need-to-stop-baking-bread-cf6b77bd7c56
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I don't mean to be presumptuous but...…..
I feel safe in saying this might be the best one of these on this thread so far.
It would be bad enough if in isolation: super elitist sounding woman who not only can't see she's wrong but is pretty much literally the person she is decrying that she is angry about in terms of not understanding or getting outside of their bubble. It only comes through more so in her complaints on others' comments calling her out.
However, to take the cake - this lady who's whole article is super complainy and is calling people out for their "privilege" in her comments
Her last name is White
And her first name......is Caren
https://medium.com/@carenawhite/why-you-need-to-stop-baking-bread-cf6b77bd7c56
I think she has a narrative in her head that the shortage is entirely caused by people baking for fun and hoarding and if that were the case, maybe she'd have a point, but reality is much more complicated than that. People are buying more everything because they're not eating out, flour keeps longer than bread which means less trips to the store, and people who've always liked to bake have more time do so now. I'm sure there are other factors involved as well.
Oh and she wrote this right before her flour article:
https://midcenturymodernmag.com/how-i-became-a-pandemic-hoarder-a30ba5a8dc38
Where she admitted that she was guilty of hoarding other products. C'mon Caren.
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I don't mean to be presumptuous but...…..
I feel safe in saying this might be the best one of these on this thread so far.
It would be bad enough if in isolation: super elitist sounding woman who not only can't see she's wrong but is pretty much literally the person she is decrying that she is angry about in terms of not understanding or getting outside of their bubble. It only comes through more so in her complaints on others' comments calling her out.
However, to take the cake - this lady who's whole article is super complainy and is calling people out for their "privilege" in her comments
Her last name is White
And her first name......is Caren
https://medium.com/@carenawhite/why-you-need-to-stop-baking-bread-cf6b77bd7c56
I think she has a narrative in her head that the shortage is entirely caused by people baking for fun and hoarding and if that were the case, maybe she'd have a point, but reality is much more complicated than that. People are buying more everything because they're not eating out, flour keeps longer than bread which means less trips to the store, and people who've always liked to bake have more time do so now. I'm sure there are other factors involved as well.
Oh and she wrote this right before her flour article:
https://midcenturymodernmag.com/how-i-became-a-pandemic-hoarder-a30ba5a8dc38
Where she admitted that she was guilty of hoarding other products. C'mon Caren.
Lol! I should have done my research, that's amazing! It's clear she has a narrative in her head of something, and maybe it is that everyone else is just wasting it. She doesn't say that directly at all, though. I mean, I just can't see any way of boiling it down any better with what she actually wrote than:
I baked bread first! Therefore I'm the only one that really deserves to have it! Everyone else is just being selfish, keeping me from being able to bake bread, which, I deserve to be able to make because, did I mention, I was doing it first! *insert crying emoji* lol
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I call bull. Real home bakers (like me) have 50+ lbs of bread flour ($7 at Costco, no joke) in their pantry in food-grade containers and 2 lb containers of yeast ($5 at the restaurant supply store) in the freezer at all times. That's the most economical way to buy baking supplies: duh. I've actually felt a bit sorry for all the noobs wanting to get into baking because they finally have time and then finding those hilariously overpriced little packets of Fleischman's sold out.
I mean, if you want only organic flour, then yeah I can't help you. Sourdough? That would help with the yeast issue. Actually I have a cornucopia of wacky flours in my freezer, too, because sometimes I like to get creative with my bread. But the massive quantities of AP and bread flour are my staples. I do a LOT of baking. But in my opinion, anyone who wants to bake is welcome to flour! Baking is fun and cheap and everyone should do it!
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What a moron. "Because I have high food standards even though I am poor, no one else is allowed to start having the same hobbies as me." "Because rich people understand supply chains, they are not allowed to act on game theory." She just wants to be special.
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What a moron. "Because I have high food standards even though I am poor, no one else is allowed to start having the same hobbies as me." "Because rich people understand supply chains, they are not allowed to act on game theory." She just wants to be special.
In the earlier pandemic article she talks about filling up her cart with a ton of meat. So she most likely isn't THAT poor.
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I don't mean to be presumptuous but...…..
I feel safe in saying this might be the best one of these on this thread so far.
It would be bad enough if in isolation: super elitist sounding woman who not only can't see she's wrong but is pretty much literally the person she is decrying that she is angry about in terms of not understanding or getting outside of their bubble. It only comes through more so in her complaints on others' comments calling her out.
However, to take the cake - this lady who's whole article is super complainy and is calling people out for their "privilege" in her comments
Her last name is White
And her first name......is Caren
https://medium.com/@carenawhite/why-you-need-to-stop-baking-bread-cf6b77bd7c56
Good lord. She claims to be a master gardener, so I wonder if the next article will whine about people who bought all the seeds (because they actually read the news and learned about the potential food shortages).
Also, if you bake all of your own baked goods, wouldn’t you plan for that and shop in bulk?
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I don't mean to be presumptuous but...…..
I feel safe in saying this might be the best one of these on this thread so far.
It would be bad enough if in isolation: super elitist sounding woman who not only can't see she's wrong but is pretty much literally the person she is decrying that she is angry about in terms of not understanding or getting outside of their bubble. It only comes through more so in her complaints on others' comments calling her out.
However, to take the cake - this lady who's whole article is super complainy and is calling people out for their "privilege" in her comments
Her last name is White
And her first name......is Caren
https://medium.com/@carenawhite/why-you-need-to-stop-baking-bread-cf6b77bd7c56
the article seems to have been deleted
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I don't mean to be presumptuous but...…..
I feel safe in saying this might be the best one of these on this thread so far.
It would be bad enough if in isolation: super elitist sounding woman who not only can't see she's wrong but is pretty much literally the person she is decrying that she is angry about in terms of not understanding or getting outside of their bubble. It only comes through more so in her complaints on others' comments calling her out.
However, to take the cake - this lady who's whole article is super complainy and is calling people out for their "privilege" in her comments
Her last name is White
And her first name......is Caren
https://medium.com/@carenawhite/why-you-need-to-stop-baking-bread-cf6b77bd7c56
the article seems to have been deleted
LMAO! I mean, she got dragged so hard on basically every corner of the internet, I’m not surprised.
I agree, @Wolfpack Mustachian . This post wins the thread, hands down.
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I don't mean to be presumptuous but...…..
I feel safe in saying this might be the best one of these on this thread so far.
It would be bad enough if in isolation: super elitist sounding woman who not only can't see she's wrong but is pretty much literally the person she is decrying that she is angry about in terms of not understanding or getting outside of their bubble. It only comes through more so in her complaints on others' comments calling her out.
However, to take the cake - this lady who's whole article is super complainy and is calling people out for their "privilege" in her comments
Her last name is White
And her first name......is Caren
https://medium.com/@carenawhite/why-you-need-to-stop-baking-bread-cf6b77bd7c56
the article seems to have been deleted
LMAO! I mean, she got dragged so hard on basically every corner of the internet, I’m not surprised.
I agree, @Wolfpack Mustachian . This post wins the thread, hands down.
You can always try the internet wayback machine.
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I don't mean to be presumptuous but...…..
I feel safe in saying this might be the best one of these on this thread so far.
It would be bad enough if in isolation: super elitist sounding woman who not only can't see she's wrong but is pretty much literally the person she is decrying that she is angry about in terms of not understanding or getting outside of their bubble. It only comes through more so in her complaints on others' comments calling her out.
However, to take the cake - this lady who's whole article is super complainy and is calling people out for their "privilege" in her comments
Her last name is White
And her first name......is Caren
https://medium.com/@carenawhite/why-you-need-to-stop-baking-bread-cf6b77bd7c56
the article seems to have been deleted
LMAO! I mean, she got dragged so hard on basically every corner of the internet, I’m not surprised.
I agree, @Wolfpack Mustachian . This post wins the thread, hands down.
You can always try the internet wayback machine.
https://web.archive.org/web/20200502192533/https://medium.com/@carenawhite/why-you-need-to-stop-baking-bread-cf6b77bd7c56
^LOVE the wayback machine. They are awesome.
I feel sorry for her. She's obviously clueless about her own privilege, and she did get slammed HARD enough to take down her entire profile. That is scary and sad; being kind of scared about being chased down and taunted all over the internet is scary even if she did do something dumb. Not that she didn't deserve to be taken down a peg, but still. Eating crow is not as tasty as freshly baked, organic bread.
Did y'all catch the rebuttal?
https://medium.com/@tburgess57/why-you-need-to-start-baking-bread-549f61459f80
Love that. Great encouragement and he didn't even touch on the Caren whinefest that was taken down - just "you can do this and it's good and you can eat the evidence if it doesn't turn out perfectly anyway."
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Wow. that rebuttal article kinda makes me want to .... bake bread.
I have flour, water, salt. But no yeast. Baking soda/powder, yes, depending on quantity needed. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.
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I thought the initial Caren White article was tone deaf but no better or worse than most of the user-submitted content I see on websites. I've seen MMM posts about the pandemic that were far more tone-deaf.
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Wow. that rebuttal article kinda makes me want to .... bake bread.
I have flour, water, salt. But no yeast. Baking soda/powder, yes, depending on quantity needed. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.
If you can get your hands on even a little bit of yeast, I highly recommend Mark Bittman's no-knead bread recipe--it only uses a 1/4 teaspoon yeast for each loaf. No lie. I actually had to have my mother send me some yeast via USPS (I had a jar in the freezer, but I only bake intermittently and didn't realize I was down to the dregs until all the stores were sold out), but the packets she sent me will last a loooong time with that recipe.
I also tried starting my own sourdough starter, but that failed miserably. So back to commercial yeast I go!
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Wow. that rebuttal article kinda makes me want to .... bake bread.
I have flour, water, salt. But no yeast. Baking soda/powder, yes, depending on quantity needed. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.
If you can get your hands on even a little bit of yeast, I highly recommend Mark Bittman's no-knead bread recipe--it only uses a 1/4 teaspoon yeast for each loaf. No lie. I actually had to have my mother send me some yeast via USPS (I had a jar in the freezer, but I only bake intermittently and didn't realize I was down to the dregs until all the stores were sold out), but the packets she sent me will last a loooong time with that recipe.
I also tried starting my own sourdough starter, but that failed miserably. So back to commercial yeast I go!
When I realized I was running low, I started a faux-sourdough starter, seeding it with 1/4 tsp of commercial yeast from my jar. It didn't develop the tangy sourdough flavor for nearly 4 weeks, but made perfectly good bread in the meantime. I also feed it almost every day, since we eat it as fast as I can bake it, so I want to keep it very active - probably contributed to keeping the commercial yeast dominant over the wild yeasts for so long.
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Update on previous post today at AskAManager:
Update:
https://www.askamanager.org/2020/06/update-im-in-trouble-for-re-sorting-a-coworkers-trash-and-im-enraged.html
Original:
https://www.askamanager.org/2019/06/im-in-trouble-for-re-sorting-a-coworkers-trash-and-im-enraged.html
Really hope the OP in that case gets some help with what looks to me like a mental health issue.
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Update on previous post today at AskAManager:
Update:
https://www.askamanager.org/2020/06/update-im-in-trouble-for-re-sorting-a-coworkers-trash-and-im-enraged.html
Original:
https://www.askamanager.org/2019/06/im-in-trouble-for-re-sorting-a-coworkers-trash-and-im-enraged.html
Really hope the OP in that case gets some help with what looks to me like a mental health issue.
I came here to post this! Possibly one of the least sane people I've ever seen on that column.
OP has a weird obsession with how coworkers sort their trash, digs through trash to "re-sort" it and then displays it in the kitchen so everyone will see. Does this for YEARS. After HR finally figured out this behavior was disturbing people, OP responds by trying to get their company in legal trouble with the city, gives up on interaction with coworkers. Everyone else is the problem, OP is "just trying to protect our environment."
AND despite being a software engineer, they claim to make little above minimum wage and say they are pulling from savings every month to pay bills. I know this is MMM, but I am very confident that money is not the problem here.
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Utter gem from Ask A Manager today: My boss asked me to reflect on my conflicts with coworkers and I don’t want to (https://www.askamanager.org/2020/07/my-boss-asked-me-to-reflect-on-my-conflicts-with-coworkers-and-i-dont-want-to.html)
Spoiler: OP refers to their ACTUAL BOSS as "bossy".
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Utter gem from Ask A Manager today: My boss asked me to reflect on my conflicts with coworkers and I don’t want to (https://www.askamanager.org/2020/07/my-boss-asked-me-to-reflect-on-my-conflicts-with-coworkers-and-i-dont-want-to.html)
Spoiler: OP refers to their ACTUAL BOSS as "bossy".
"my supervisor is an associate professor. Her husband is a professor and a director of the research group (and that’s how she easily got her position)"
OH HECK NO
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Utter gem from Ask A Manager today: My boss asked me to reflect on my conflicts with coworkers and I don’t want to (https://www.askamanager.org/2020/07/my-boss-asked-me-to-reflect-on-my-conflicts-with-coworkers-and-i-dont-want-to.html)
Spoiler: OP refers to their ACTUAL BOSS as "bossy".
Hahah!
“You have a problem with conflict”
“ WRONG!”
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Utter gem from Ask A Manager today: My boss asked me to reflect on my conflicts with coworkers and I don’t want to (https://www.askamanager.org/2020/07/my-boss-asked-me-to-reflect-on-my-conflicts-with-coworkers-and-i-dont-want-to.html)
Spoiler: OP refers to their ACTUAL BOSS as "bossy".
"my supervisor is an associate professor. Her husband is a professor and a director of the research group (and that’s how she easily got her position)"
OH HECK NO
I mean, in fairness, spousal hires are more common in academia and can be problematic, but the competitiveness of academia generally means that the spousal hire is qualified for their position, just maybe not THE MOST qualified.
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Utter gem from Ask A Manager today: My boss asked me to reflect on my conflicts with coworkers and I don’t want to (https://www.askamanager.org/2020/07/my-boss-asked-me-to-reflect-on-my-conflicts-with-coworkers-and-i-dont-want-to.html)
Spoiler: OP refers to their ACTUAL BOSS as "bossy".
Hahah!
“You have a problem with conflict”
“ WRONG!”
I saw that one and thought it was a prime candidate for this thread.
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Utter gem from Ask A Manager today: My boss asked me to reflect on my conflicts with coworkers and I don’t want to (https://www.askamanager.org/2020/07/my-boss-asked-me-to-reflect-on-my-conflicts-with-coworkers-and-i-dont-want-to.html)
Spoiler: OP refers to their ACTUAL BOSS as "bossy".
Hahah!
“You have a problem with conflict”
“ WRONG!”
Lol. 5-star summary right there.
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Utter gem from Ask A Manager today: My boss asked me to reflect on my conflicts with coworkers and I don’t want to (https://www.askamanager.org/2020/07/my-boss-asked-me-to-reflect-on-my-conflicts-with-coworkers-and-i-dont-want-to.html)
Spoiler: OP refers to their ACTUAL BOSS as "bossy".
"my supervisor is an associate professor. Her husband is a professor and a director of the research group (and that’s how she easily got her position)"
OH HECK NO
I mean, in fairness, spousal hires are more common in academia and can be problematic, but the competitiveness of academia generally means that the spousal hire is qualified for their position, just maybe not THE MOST qualified.
I've seen this. I worked with a lot of grad students for awhile. It's hard when you've got two top students in the same research group graduate at the same time, both looking for professorships. It seems to have worked out for two of the couples that I know. Two are profs at a UC (but it did take a lot of negotiation...you have to take BOTH), and two are at an Ivy.
I actually know a woman who was a tenured prof at Berkeley who moved to a different university so her husband could get his dream job. That's dedication, I tell you.
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Reminder: we only observe the couples who are successfully staying married and staying in the academy. We don't observe:
- The stresses of early years child-rearing make equitable progress down the scholarship path possible
- Divorces
- Financial pressure within the family causing one of them to take a non-academic job with its pay-premium
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I call bull. Real home bakers (like me) have 50+ lbs of bread flour ($7 at Costco, no joke) in their pantry in food-grade containers and 2 lb containers of yeast ($5 at the restaurant supply store) in the freezer at all times. That's the most economical way to buy baking supplies: duh. I've actually felt a bit sorry for all the noobs wanting to get into baking because they finally have time and then finding those hilariously overpriced little packets of Fleischman's sold out.
I mean, if you want only organic flour, then yeah I can't help you. Sourdough? That would help with the yeast issue. Actually I have a cornucopia of wacky flours in my freezer, too, because sometimes I like to get creative with my bread. But the massive quantities of AP and bread flour are my staples. I do a LOT of baking. But in my opinion, anyone who wants to bake is welcome to flour! Baking is fun and cheap and everyone should do it!
Our Costco stopped selling bread flour 2 years ago (there are like 15 types of rice though). Apparently we were the only ones buying it, because it was a tragedy when we found that out. And our year's supply of yeast gets repurchased in May. The pandemic has greatly changed our baking- but we haven't bought bread of any type in maybe 10 years.
It has been nearly impossible to find bread flour or yeast. Still.
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I call bull. Real home bakers (like me) have 50+ lbs of bread flour ($7 at Costco, no joke) in their pantry in food-grade containers and 2 lb containers of yeast ($5 at the restaurant supply store) in the freezer at all times. That's the most economical way to buy baking supplies: duh. I've actually felt a bit sorry for all the noobs wanting to get into baking because they finally have time and then finding those hilariously overpriced little packets of Fleischman's sold out.
I mean, if you want only organic flour, then yeah I can't help you. Sourdough? That would help with the yeast issue. Actually I have a cornucopia of wacky flours in my freezer, too, because sometimes I like to get creative with my bread. But the massive quantities of AP and bread flour are my staples. I do a LOT of baking. But in my opinion, anyone who wants to bake is welcome to flour! Baking is fun and cheap and everyone should do it!
Our Costco stopped selling bread flour 2 years ago (there are like 15 types of rice though). Apparently we were the only ones buying it, because it was a tragedy when we found that out. And our year's supply of yeast gets repurchased in May. The pandemic has greatly changed our baking- but we haven't bought bread of any type in maybe 10 years.
It has been nearly impossible to find bread flour or yeast. Still.
No bread flour at Costco!? I'm so sorry. Have you tried a restaurant supply store? That's our alternative source.
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I call bull. Real home bakers (like me) have 50+ lbs of bread flour ($7 at Costco, no joke) in their pantry in food-grade containers and 2 lb containers of yeast ($5 at the restaurant supply store) in the freezer at all times. That's the most economical way to buy baking supplies: duh. I've actually felt a bit sorry for all the noobs wanting to get into baking because they finally have time and then finding those hilariously overpriced little packets of Fleischman's sold out.
I mean, if you want only organic flour, then yeah I can't help you. Sourdough? That would help with the yeast issue. Actually I have a cornucopia of wacky flours in my freezer, too, because sometimes I like to get creative with my bread. But the massive quantities of AP and bread flour are my staples. I do a LOT of baking. But in my opinion, anyone who wants to bake is welcome to flour! Baking is fun and cheap and everyone should do it!
Our Costco stopped selling bread flour 2 years ago (there are like 15 types of rice though). Apparently we were the only ones buying it, because it was a tragedy when we found that out. And our year's supply of yeast gets repurchased in May. The pandemic has greatly changed our baking- but we haven't bought bread of any type in maybe 10 years.
It has been nearly impossible to find bread flour or yeast. Still.
Pretty sure you can buy it at King Arthur, though there might be a delay in shipment. For a long time they were not even allowing you to put it in a cart!
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I JUST discovered this thread! Oh my what a treasure.
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Um.... https://www.askamanager.org/2020/07/my-coworker-told-me-to-stop-flirting-with-a-student-employee.html
Really hoping that this person gets a wake-up call.
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You wonder about the authenticity of a letter being so tone-deaf.
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You wonder about the authenticity of a letter being so tone-deaf.
I mean yes, but we also have people who sincerely believe that children can't catch covid, wearing a mask will suffocate them/will make them sick, the earth is flat, etc.
I've pretty much decided that even if a particular post or comment online is trolling, there are people who actually think it. I fully believe that there are that many people who are that tone-deaf.
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I'll add: even if the letter was written by a troll, Ask A Manager should still make the statement zHe did for the benefit of others.
I'm forty, but--being male--cannot imagine receiving that sort of attention from an 18-yo.
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It is FAR from the craziest letter that blogger has published, and sometimes in much wilder cases other colleagues comment to support the OP's story. I had no trouble believing it.
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https://www.bogleheads.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=320204
Do I dare take my 4-year-old Corolla on a long road trip? Will the wheels fall off? Will we all die in a fire? Will I die of thirst on the side of the highway?
Sadly, it’s not just the op who can’t see it. A large number of the commentariat advise renting a car over the perils of a just barely broken in Corolla.
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The car is a 2016 corolla with 125,000 miles.
I'm hardly a Mustachian, think of me as half-ass rather than badass. But my 2009 Camry had the same number of miles in 2019 as this person's does. That is a heck-of-a-lot of daily driving.
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This is an indirect OP doesn't see it. The manager, not the person who wrote in.
Original: https://www.askamanager.org/2020/06/my-manager-named-joseph-stalin-employee-of-the-month.html
Update: https://www.askamanager.org/2020/07/updates-joseph-stalin-sleeping-during-car-rides-and-more.html
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This is an indirect OP doesn't see it. The manager, not the person who wrote in.
Original: https://www.askamanager.org/2020/06/my-manager-named-joseph-stalin-employee-of-the-month.html
Update: https://www.askamanager.org/2020/07/updates-joseph-stalin-sleeping-during-car-rides-and-more.html
Wow! Glad it seems to have been resolved. (Dicey shakes head and is super duper extra glad she is FIRE.) Just wow.
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My 9-year-old (an age where little tummies must be especially shielded from subversive foods) ate an Indian curry at a friend's house and loved it. How can I help his parents (two doctors no less!!) better understand the risks of trying new foods?
https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/08/parenting-indian-food-bubble-covid-families-judgement.html?fbclid=IwAR1yrGg1o_Y_uz1r2fFBzWyWazDKXWrNzUX6Y4Ou9AK6zYLBvd8zVHdG06w
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My 9-year-old (an age where little tummies must be especially shielded from subversive foods) ate an Indian curry at a friend's house and loved it. How can I help his parents (two doctors no less!!) better understand the risks of trying new foods?
https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/08/parenting-indian-food-bubble-covid-families-judgement.html?fbclid=IwAR1yrGg1o_Y_uz1r2fFBzWyWazDKXWrNzUX6Y4Ou9AK6zYLBvd8zVHdG06w
How do Indian children even grow up to become Indian Doctors, being fed delicious* curries? Clearly the solution is to only have playdates at OP's house, where you can make sure your Poor Precious Baby isn't exposed to "flavour".
*So delicious PPB ate "a lot"
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My 9-year-old (an age where little tummies must be especially shielded from subversive foods) ate an Indian curry at a friend's house and loved it. How can I help his parents (two doctors no less!!) better understand the risks of trying new foods?
https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/08/parenting-indian-food-bubble-covid-families-judgement.html?fbclid=IwAR1yrGg1o_Y_uz1r2fFBzWyWazDKXWrNzUX6Y4Ou9AK6zYLBvd8zVHdG06w
"My wife thinks it is going to look like a racial problem."
Ah, your wife is too nice to tell you stop being a racist prick!
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My 9-year-old (an age where little tummies must be especially shielded from subversive foods) ate an Indian curry at a friend's house and loved it. How can I help his parents (two doctors no less!!) better understand the risks of trying new foods?
https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/08/parenting-indian-food-bubble-covid-families-judgement.html?fbclid=IwAR1yrGg1o_Y_uz1r2fFBzWyWazDKXWrNzUX6Y4Ou9AK6zYLBvd8zVHdG06w
I’m sure it’s perfectly fine for Little Precious to stuff himself with nice, “normal” foods like McDonald’s happy meals, dinosaur-shaped frozen chicken nuggets, and day-glo orange macaroni and powdered “cheese” in little microwave cups.
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Jeez! I would be t h r i l l e d if my 8yo kid came home saying he tried and loved curry & lentils. What a (racist) tool!
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Jeez! I would be t h r i l l e d if my 8yo kid came home saying he tried and loved curry & lentils. What a (racist) tool!
Little kids can be so conservative about their food choices, he should be glad his kid is open to new foods. Two doctors are not going to poison his kid. Of course if the food at home is monotonous and boring, he may be unhappy if the kid starts wanting more choices and more interesting flavours. ;-)
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I presume OP thinks that "curry" = vindaloo and that Indian children spend their entire childhood in a perpetual state of digestive distress. I add my voices to the ones who are amazed that their response to "Your child tried some new food (and vegetables!) and really liked it!" wasn't "WOW! I never would have thought it, but that's GREAT!" Or, at the very least, "Gosh, I'm surprised! I would have thought curry would be a bit spicy for kids. But I'm glad he liked it!" And then the Indian doctors-who-should-know-better could have explained the existence of chicken korma.
Also, LOL that the wife thinks he should drop it because a conversation would look racist.........but the boys should only play at their place.
As an aside: "Both of Neil’s parents are doctors, so this seemed like a safe decision." Wot? Doctors (i.e. people who must be actually meeting large numbers of ill people) are the LAST people I'd want to be seeing at the moment. I know they're supposed to have PPE, but inadequate provision is widely publicised and it only takes a moment of poor use or bad luck to get infected. OP clearly has a bizarre idea of what's risky in the world at the moment.
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As an aside: "Both of Neil’s parents are doctors, so this seemed like a safe decision." Wot? Doctors (i.e. people who must be actually meeting large numbers of ill people) are the LAST people I'd want to be seeing at the moment. I know they're supposed to have PPE, but inadequate provision is widely publicised and it only takes a moment of poor use or bad luck to get infected. OP clearly has a bizarre idea of what's risky in the world at the moment.
It could be an old letter, you know, sent in pre-COVID times, but the publication date didn't hit until now...
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As an aside: "Both of Neil’s parents are doctors, so this seemed like a safe decision." Wot? Doctors (i.e. people who must be actually meeting large numbers of ill people) are the LAST people I'd want to be seeing at the moment. I know they're supposed to have PPE, but inadequate provision is widely publicised and it only takes a moment of poor use or bad luck to get infected. OP clearly has a bizarre idea of what's risky in the world at the moment.
It could be an old letter, you know, sent in pre-COVID times, but the publication date didn't hit until now...
The editor put COVID in the title, though.
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As an aside: "Both of Neil’s parents are doctors, so this seemed like a safe decision." Wot? Doctors (i.e. people who must be actually meeting large numbers of ill people) are the LAST people I'd want to be seeing at the moment. I know they're supposed to have PPE, but inadequate provision is widely publicised and it only takes a moment of poor use or bad luck to get infected. OP clearly has a bizarre idea of what's risky in the world at the moment.
It could be an old letter, you know, sent in pre-COVID times, but the publication date didn't hit until now...
Then why would the letter say, and I quote, "A few weeks ago, we decided to open our bubble to include the family of “Neil,” Chris’s best friend. Both of Neil’s parents are doctors, so this seemed like a safe decision."?
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Not only are they racist, but they used the phrase 'little tummies'. I hate these people.
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Another from from Dear Prudence.
I flushed my wife's birth control pills because she wasn't ready to start trying for a baby. Now she's acting weird, so I want her to give up her phone and car so we can improve our communication.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/08/dear-prudence-flushed-wifes-birth-control-unfair-reaction.html
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Another from from Dear Prudence.
I flushed my wife's birth control pills because she wasn't ready to start trying for a baby. Now she's acting weird, so I want her to give up her phone and car so we can improve our communication.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/08/dear-prudence-flushed-wifes-birth-control-unfair-reaction.html
I read this the other day - UGH.
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Another from from Dear Prudence.
I flushed my wife's birth control pills because she wasn't ready to start trying for a baby. Now she's acting weird, so I want her to give up her phone and car so we can improve our communication.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/08/dear-prudence-flushed-wifes-birth-control-unfair-reaction.html
Oh my goodness, that is really devastatingly sad. The poor wife. She's clearly thinking about/trying to leave him and afraid that he will stop/imprison/hurt her. I really hope he realises what he's actually done.
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It takes a long time to leave someone who is like that . . . but she will figure out how to squirrel money away through cash back when she pays for groceries and other discreet methods, and eventually she can escape. Hopefully she got herself a Depo Provera shot right after the flushing of the pills.
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As an aside: "Both of Neil’s parents are doctors, so this seemed like a safe decision." Wot? Doctors (i.e. people who must be actually meeting large numbers of ill people) are the LAST people I'd want to be seeing at the moment. I know they're supposed to have PPE, but inadequate provision is widely publicised and it only takes a moment of poor use or bad luck to get infected. OP clearly has a bizarre idea of what's risky in the world at the moment.
It could be an old letter, you know, sent in pre-COVID times, but the publication date didn't hit until now...
Then why would the letter say, and I quote, "A few weeks ago, we decided to open our bubble to include the family of “Neil,” Chris’s best friend. Both of Neil’s parents are doctors, so this seemed like a safe decision."?
LOL - my bad! I didn't re-read the letter before posting. Forgot that detail.
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Indeed the comments on that "flushing the birth control" one are pretty illuminating.
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There has been some stiff competition here over the years, but I think this one might just be a Hall-of-Famer.
3rd one down, "My son has been married for more than 10 years..."
https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/11/dealing-with-racist-friends-care-and-feeding.html (https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/11/dealing-with-racist-friends-care-and-feeding.html)
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Wow. Gotta like read the letter all the way through with a highlighter, but when you put the real story together. Wow.
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Wow, that one is bad. She should be grateful that her husband cheated on her and fathered a child with another woman? Umm, no.
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What?! What are they THINKING?!!!?! Asshole son cheats and happens to get mistress pregnant and cheated-on wife should be GRATEFUL? I wish the answer had been more hair-ripping-out vocal about how crazy that is.
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My 9-year-old (an age where little tummies must be especially shielded from subversive foods) ate an Indian curry at a friend's house and loved it. How can I help his parents (two doctors no less!!) better understand the risks of trying new foods?
https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/08/parenting-indian-food-bubble-covid-families-judgement.html?fbclid=IwAR1yrGg1o_Y_uz1r2fFBzWyWazDKXWrNzUX6Y4Ou9AK6zYLBvd8zVHdG06w
I’m sure it’s perfectly fine for Little Precious to stuff himself with nice, “normal” foods like McDonald’s happy meals, dinosaur-shaped frozen chicken nuggets, and day-glo orange macaroni and powdered “cheese” in little microwave cups.
Have you tasted those dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets? So bland....
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My 9-year-old (an age where little tummies must be especially shielded from subversive foods) ate an Indian curry at a friend's house and loved it. How can I help his parents (two doctors no less!!) better understand the risks of trying new foods?
https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/08/parenting-indian-food-bubble-covid-families-judgement.html?fbclid=IwAR1yrGg1o_Y_uz1r2fFBzWyWazDKXWrNzUX6Y4Ou9AK6zYLBvd8zVHdG06w
I’m sure it’s perfectly fine for Little Precious to stuff himself with nice, “normal” foods like McDonald’s happy meals, dinosaur-shaped frozen chicken nuggets, and day-glo orange macaroni and powdered “cheese” in little microwave cups.
Have you tasted those dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets? So bland....
Ha! I asked DSS to make mac n' cheese for them for lunch yesterday. DSS made a whole box for each of them! This is what I get for buying a case of that junk at Costco early in the pandemic. It just looked so comforting...
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That perfect shade of yellow... ;)
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What?! What are they THINKING?!!!?! Asshole son cheats and happens to get mistress pregnant and cheated-on wife should be GRATEFUL? I wish the answer had been more hair-ripping-out vocal about how crazy that is.
Perhaps it's one of those Mormon families with multiple wives. Seems like it, given the way the grandmother talks about the "gift of a <first born> son"
Drama is a given in a situation like that I guess.
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https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/share-your-badassity/harvesting-the-eitc-ctc-snap-and-medicaid/
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https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/share-your-badassity/harvesting-the-eitc-ctc-snap-and-medicaid/
I just read through the thread. Amazing, how this poster was hoping for congratulations from the forum.
I'm seriously tempted to comment🍿but I want to see other posters chime in first.
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https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/share-your-badassity/harvesting-the-eitc-ctc-snap-and-medicaid/
I just read through the thread. Amazing, how this poster was hoping for congratulations from the forum.
I'm seriously tempted to comment🍿but I want to see other posters chime in first.
I looked at the number of posts from the user [2] and thought they had to be a troll. Like, Welfare Cheat is not an actual career, Person who "plan(s) to have as many children as possible"
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https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/share-your-badassity/harvesting-the-eitc-ctc-snap-and-medicaid/
I just read through the thread. Amazing, how this poster was hoping for congratulations from the forum.
I'm seriously tempted to comment🍿but I want to see other posters chime in first.
I looked at the number of posts from the user [2] and thought they had to be a troll. Like, Welfare Cheat is not an actual career, Person who "plan(s) to have as many children as possible"
That part makes me very sad: children are little PEOPLE, who are going to grow into people and need to be treated respectfully -- doing a reasonably good job of raising kids is hard work!
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I also thought that was a troll post...
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Welfare cheat or troll, it's still entertaining.
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Welfare cheat or troll, it's still entertaining.
Wow, that's just nuts. I just posted what you are far too polite to, dear Adventine. The mods may not like it and I'll delete it if asked, but I kinda hope that doesn't happen. MMM is not about blatant cheating.
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Welfare cheat or troll, it's still entertaining.
Wow, that's just nuts. I just posted what you are far too polite to, dear Adventine. The mods may not like it and I'll delete it if asked, but I kinda hope that doesn't happen. MMM is not about blatant cheating.
I chuckled out loud, @Dicey. Officially time to bring out the popcorn!
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Eh, I just reported that thread to the mods as possible troll. Let them sort it out.
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oops. I should have read this first as I also reported it as blatant trolling too :-)
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https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/carolyn-hax-a-parent-pooh-poohs-a-non-parents-sleep-deprivation/2021/01/11/cf9e3f34-4aeb-11eb-839a-cf4ba7b7c48c_story.html
"My friend told me she was having problems with sleep deprivation, which is ridiculous because she doesn't have children even though she gave me the details of her medical issues that were causing the sleep issues. How do I tell her to get over herself?"
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Even more parents than usual are really eager to tell you how much their kids suck during the pandemic.
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https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/real-estate-and-landlording/tenant-died-in-my-rental-unit/
Mostly for "I won't hire anyone to clean the unit someone died in until I exhaust every option for getting someone else to pay for it" that was told to the deceased tenant's adult child.
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https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/real-estate-and-landlording/tenant-died-in-my-rental-unit/
Mostly for "I won't hire anyone to clean the unit someone died in until I exhaust every option for getting someone else to pay for it" that was told to the deceased tenant's adult child.
I was about to comment on that thread, until I realized I had nothing productive to say that hadn't been already said by other posters.
Compassion towards the deceased tenant and the still-living daughter would have gone a long way towards avoiding the situation that poster's facing now.
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https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/real-estate-and-landlording/tenant-died-in-my-rental-unit/
Mostly for "I won't hire anyone to clean the unit someone died in until I exhaust every option for getting someone else to pay for it" that was told to the deceased tenant's adult child.
I was about to comment on that thread, until I realized I had nothing productive to say that hadn't been already said by other posters.
Compassion towards the deceased tenant and the still-living daughter would have gone a long way towards avoiding the situation that poster's facing now.
I had a post written and didn't post for the same reason. When someone is dead, you just do whatever needs to be done and figure out the money later.
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Even more parents than usual are really eager to tell you how much their kids suck during the pandemic.
I’ve been living this for the past 2 years. Being stuck at home with littles underfoot 24/7/365/?? is really really hard. It is almost impossible for me to appreciate my children when I don’t get the down time I need as a human being to restore my own batteries. There is an entire nation, no, world, living a similar experience. That is why you hear people complain.
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https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/real-estate-and-landlording/tenant-died-in-my-rental-unit/
Mostly for "I won't hire anyone to clean the unit someone died in until I exhaust every option for getting someone else to pay for it" that was told to the deceased tenant's adult child.
I was about to comment on that thread, until I realized I had nothing productive to say that hadn't been already said by other posters.
Compassion towards the deceased tenant and the still-living daughter would have gone a long way towards avoiding the situation that poster's facing now.
I had a post written and didn't post for the same reason. When someone is dead, you just do whatever needs to be done and figure out the money later.
Me, three. Isn't that the benefit of being a mustachian? Solve the problem, then worry about the money. The OP's lack of compassion was appalling, IMO. I have a tenant in her 90's. She intends to live there until she dies, which is fine with me. When it happens, if we need to do something, we'll do it without hesitation. I jut hope it's a long time from now. Oh, and my rentals are at least as far away from my primary home as the OP's, so that's no excuse. Figure it out and have a heart, dude.
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https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/real-estate-and-landlording/tenant-died-in-my-rental-unit/
Mostly for "I won't hire anyone to clean the unit someone died in until I exhaust every option for getting someone else to pay for it" that was told to the deceased tenant's adult child.
I was about to comment on that thread, until I realized I had nothing productive to say that hadn't been already said by other posters.
Compassion towards the deceased tenant and the still-living daughter would have gone a long way towards avoiding the situation that poster's facing now.
I had a post written and didn't post for the same reason. When someone is dead, you just do whatever needs to be done and figure out the money later.
Me, three. Isn't that the benefit of being a mustachian? Solve the problem, then worry about the money. The OP's lack of compassion was appalling, IMO. I have a tenant in her 90's. She intends to live there until she dies, which is fine with me. When it happens, if we need to do something, we'll do it without hesitation. I jut hope it's a long time from now. Oh, and my rentals are at least as far away from my primary home as the OP's, so that's no excuse. Figure it out and have a heart, dude.
I'm just imaging what the other tenants in the building are thinking. There has to be an odor.
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https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/real-estate-and-landlording/tenant-died-in-my-rental-unit/
Mostly for "I won't hire anyone to clean the unit someone died in until I exhaust every option for getting someone else to pay for it" that was told to the deceased tenant's adult child.
I was about to comment on that thread, until I realized I had nothing productive to say that hadn't been already said by other posters.
Compassion towards the deceased tenant and the still-living daughter would have gone a long way towards avoiding the situation that poster's facing now.
I had a post written and didn't post for the same reason. When someone is dead, you just do whatever needs to be done and figure out the money later.
Me, three. Isn't that the benefit of being a mustachian? Solve the problem, then worry about the money. The OP's lack of compassion was appalling, IMO. I have a tenant in her 90's. She intends to live there until she dies, which is fine with me. When it happens, if we need to do something, we'll do it without hesitation. I jut hope it's a long time from now. Oh, and my rentals are at least as far away from my primary home as the OP's, so that's no excuse. Figure it out and have a heart, dude.
It reminded me of the time we had someone enthusiastically post about the time they removed an elderly tenant with stage 4 lung cancer.
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Go here https://www.askamanager.org/2021/08/weekend-open-thread-august-21-22-2021.html and search for The Dogman. Specifically, the parts about travelling with 5 dogs.
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Go here https://www.askamanager.org/2021/08/weekend-open-thread-august-21-22-2021.html and search for The Dogman. Specifically, the parts about travelling with 5 dogs.
That is......impressively entitled.
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Go here https://www.askamanager.org/2021/08/weekend-open-thread-august-21-22-2021.html (https://www.askamanager.org/2021/08/weekend-open-thread-august-21-22-2021.html) and search for The Dogman. Specifically, the parts about travelling with 5 dogs.
I don't see anything entitled there? Travelling with his dogs is a given in his case. He lets people know that so they can let him know if he needs to make other arrangements for where he and the dogs stay.
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Go here https://www.askamanager.org/2021/08/weekend-open-thread-august-21-22-2021.html (https://www.askamanager.org/2021/08/weekend-open-thread-august-21-22-2021.html) and search for The Dogman. Specifically, the parts about travelling with 5 dogs.
I don't see anything entitled there? Travelling with his dogs is a given in his case. He lets people know that so they can let him know if he needs to make other arrangements for where he and the dogs stay.
Not to be rude, but did you read his posts in their entirety?
Several statements he makes indicate to me that how you're describing it (which in fairness is how he sort of describes it at one point) is not how it really goes down:
Someone said: "Staying in someone’s home is an ask to bring the dog, not a “let them know.” I have a dog, he is my best bud, but he is not everyone else’s."
His response was: "No not at all, it is a “let them know”. My dogs coming with me is non-negotiable, where I stay is of course negotiable, so I would be happy to camp in the garden, bring a camper, find a dog friendly BnB…" - While this technically could check the box off of him asking politely and being fine with someone saying no, the tone doesn't seem to indicate that he's not handling it that way.
It's also aided by his continuing statement:
"But if I have to bring my dogs then I have to bring my dogs, in the same way a child owning friend might have to bring the sprog to stay at mine should that be the way the situation falls.
Asking permission to own my own dogs is a bit much really." - No one is giving him permission to own a dog. Equating not letting him stay and bring all of his dogs to someone's house is the same thing as not giving him "permission" to own dogs is incredibly entitled.
Furthermore, he says, "If someone loathes dogs to the degree that I cannot bring mine (to stay in the garden etc) with me then they have no business inviting me in the first place, and I would not go, since my dogs are more important to me than someone who has so little care for another humans dependents."
Um....seriously? There are dozens of reasons why someone might not want you to bring 5 dogs to their house, not the least of which is they may not feel like housing 5 dogs when they just invited you. To imply that anyone who doesn't want to house your small dog kennel with them when you come over means they loathe dogs as a whole is pretty much the definition of the "OP being the only one who doesn't see" their ignorance.
Finally:
"Plus mine are exceptionally well trained too, so most people I know are fine with them coming along with me." - Really......I mean really.....I sincerely doubt anyone - maybe one in a 100 are truly fine with him taking 5 dogs along with him to stay at their place. They likely tolerate it at best. It just sounds overall like he's clueless, thinking he's "letting people know" and being polite about it when he's really a leach, playing off of people's sympathy or inability to say no to take 5 dogs with him to stay with people.
This is a poster case of what this thread is about lol.
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Go here https://www.askamanager.org/2021/08/weekend-open-thread-august-21-22-2021.html (https://www.askamanager.org/2021/08/weekend-open-thread-august-21-22-2021.html) and search for The Dogman. Specifically, the parts about travelling with 5 dogs.
I don't see anything entitled there? Travelling with his dogs is a given in his case. He lets people know that so they can let him know if he needs to make other arrangements for where he and the dogs stay.
I tend to agree, though I haven't read the link. We have relatives who visit annually-ish. They travel with their dogs, who are a pain in the ass. We love them, but their dogs, not so much.
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This is a poster case of what this thread is about lol.
I mean... obviously it isn't, since I and several of the posters over on AAM don't see it either.
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This is a poster case of what this thread is about lol.
I mean... obviously it isn't, since I and several of the posters over on AAM don't see it either.
No issue is ever going to have 100% agreement. A significant majority on AAM felt he was being ridiculous.
I feel like I laid out pretty well why he was extremely entitled. If you have a defense for how someone who is rational can say that if you don't want him to bring 5 dogs with him to crash at your place that you are essentially denying him permission to own dogs or that if you don't want him to take 5 dogs to your house you must loathe dogs, I'd love to hear it. All I can say is he's acting more entitled than many parents that are called entitled act with their kids.
ETA: Again, that was why I asked if you'd read all his posts. If you just read that he said he had to travel with his dogs and would find other accommodations if the person couldn't house them, I would understand a defense of him. As he kept going in his other posts, his "logic" completely unraveled.
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If his real life name is actually "The Dogman", maybe his attitude is understandable. Being the Dogman is part of his persona and thus it would be unreasonable to expect him to come without his 5 dogs.
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read all his posts.
I did read all his posts, but I definitely don't care about it enough to debate it. It just didn't strike me the way it obviously struck you.
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I can't form an opinion on Dogman without knowing more details. Does he mention immediately (upon receiving an invitation) that he has 5 dogs he'd bring along? Does he accept a 'no, sorry but that won't work" gracefully. (My sense is he does not, given the hyperbolic language about how not being okay with him bringing his dogs to their home is akin to them denying him the right to own dogs??? Or with trying to get him to ask permission to own them?)
I likely wouldn't allow someone to bring 5 dogs to stay at my home. First, it might be a violation of my lease. Second, without knowing him and his dogs, I wouldn't be comfortable having them in my home (possible damage) or in my yard (barking to piss off my neighbors). And third, my spouse has dog allergies. They are mild-ish, but 5 dogs is a *lot* of dog flesh.
I'm a dog person, and one dog that I know well enough to feel comfortable about its behavior, would be fine with me, though if it was more than a day or two, I'd run it by my property manager. But 5 dogs, especially dogs I don't know? Hard no.
But I fully support someone's right to own them and I don't think he needs to ask me permission to own them. And I shouldn't need to ask his permission to not want 5 of someone else's dogs in my home.
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read all his posts.
I did read all his posts, but I definitely don't care about it enough to debate it. It just didn't strike me the way it obviously struck you.
And that's fine. You certainly don't have to debate it.
I realize I came off as aggressive in my post. That was a result of my total inability to see the other side of the issue. I usually can see where someone else is coming from, but on this one, I can't even begin to fathom how someone could not see a person going about his potential travel like this as entitled. He may be completely different, but I'm just going by what he, himself said.
I'll admit that I don't have pets currently. I have had people visit who had an animal. One time they asked to bring it, and we were fine with it. The other time they didn't ask to bring it because....as this person apparently fails to realize....you don't have to take your pet everywhere you go. They boarded it.
I guess in trying to see this from his perspective, I'm looking at my kids. I would say that kids are at least as important as pets. I don't have 5 kids, but I do have more than one. If someone invited me over to their place, they would likely know I had kids if we were at that point, but assuming they didn't, I wouldn't let them know my kids were coming. I would ask them if my kids could come. Potentially I could have other people watch my kids, which is a possibility. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say he had tried to find something else and couldn't (which I'm pretty sure isn't true from how he stated things) and he is just letting them know, if he's traveling he has to bring his dogs.
His reaction beyond that is what flabbergasted me. He belittled not just once but twice people who would say no. First, by saying they must loathe dogs. Second by implying their denial of his dogs meant they didn't think he should be allowed to have dogs. Going back to my kids analogy - if I said, look, I can come but I have to bring my 5 kids, and they said, sorry, I just can't handle that. I wouldn't judge them or think anything less of them. I wouldn't think, man they must hate kids. Housing 5 kids is a huge ask. Housing 5 dogs is a huge ask. It would be an imminently reasonable answer to say no, just as telling him no on dogs would be. If I knew someone was judging me like he is apparently judging anyone who says no to him taking dogs if I told him no, I would just not want to be friends with him anymore.
Ultimately, the definition in my mind of entitlement is thinking the world or others just owe you something. I truly cannot see how anyone reading his comments doesn't see that he apparently thinks the world owes him to house him and 5 dogs when they offer just him a place to stay. I realize you aren't interested in talking about this, but if anyone else is, I'd love to try to see the other side of this.
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I realize you aren't interested in talking about this, but if anyone else is, I'd love to try to see the other side of this.
This is just a guess, but maybe some people just have a hard time understanding that not everyone lives life in the same way as they do. I'm assuming The Dogman is in a rural area (has five dogs, seems to think camping outside in someone's yard is a reasonable thing to do). He may not be internalizing that what's normal for his area is not normal for the vast majority of people on that website (I would guess 90% of people on that website, or more, are in urban/suburban areas). Maybe it's fine to bring five dogs to stay with someone who has many acres of land and a sprawling farmhouse with a barn, and the neighbors are miles away. And maybe if you lived in that kind of environment your whole life, you can't conceive that most other people live in apartments with no yard or smaller suburban homes on a quarter acre, and their pets are indoors almost all of the time. And maybe if you never lived in an apartment or on a quarter acre lot, you don't realize how insane it would be to have a houseguest show up with five dogs.
(On a possibly related note, I read an article today that said the GOP candidate for mayor of NYC lives in a 320 square foot apartment with his partner and their 16 cats. So maybe The Dogman isn't living on a rural farm somewhere, maybe he lives in Manhattan and is just nuts like that guy.)
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I realize you aren't interested in talking about this, but if anyone else is, I'd love to try to see the other side of this.
This is just a guess, but maybe some people just have a hard time understanding that not everyone lives life in the same way as they do. I'm assuming The Dogman is in a rural area (has five dogs, seems to think camping outside in someone's yard is a reasonable thing to do). He may not be internalizing that what's normal for his area is not normal for the vast majority of people on that website (I would guess 90% of people on that website, or more, are in urban/suburban areas). Maybe it's fine to bring five dogs to stay with someone who has many acres of land and a sprawling farmhouse with a barn, and the neighbors are miles away. And maybe if you lived in that kind of environment your whole life, you can't conceive that most other people live in apartments with no yard or smaller suburban homes on a quarter acre, and their pets are indoors almost all of the time. And maybe if you never lived in an apartment or on a quarter acre lot, you don't realize how insane it would be to have a houseguest show up with five dogs.
(On a possibly related note, I read an article today that said the GOP candidate for mayor of NYC lives in a 320 square foot apartment with his partner and their 16 cats. So maybe The Dogman isn't living on a rural farm somewhere, maybe he lives in Manhattan and is just nuts like that guy.)
This. We have a small inner-ring suburban yard (much less than a quarter-acre). A good chunk of it is taken up by a vegetable garden, part is taken up by a native plant bed, and the yard is fenced but not gated (and we're only a few blocks from a major road). Unexpected dogs would NOT be received kindly. Staying in our <1000 square foot house with two cats and a rabbit would not be an option. I don't feel guilty or unwelcoming about that at all.
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Oh. My. Lord.
This manager is such an entitled asshole
https://www.askamanager.org/2021/10/my-employee-wasnt-respectful-enough-after-the-company-messed-up-her-paycheck.html (https://www.askamanager.org/2021/10/my-employee-wasnt-respectful-enough-after-the-company-messed-up-her-paycheck.html)
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Oh. My. Lord.
This manager is such an entitled asshole
https://www.askamanager.org/2021/10/my-employee-wasnt-respectful-enough-after-the-company-messed-up-her-paycheck.html (https://www.askamanager.org/2021/10/my-employee-wasnt-respectful-enough-after-the-company-messed-up-her-paycheck.html)
Bad manager for sure. You can't fuck up the fundamental part of the employee-employer relationship and then whine about the aggrieved employee demanding it be fixed.
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How big of a hissy-fit would OP throw if he/she wasn't paid once do you think? I'm guessing bigger than Jane's.
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If I were in HR I would be very worried about that manager and what kind of culture they are building. Expecting workers to grovel for their pellets and keeping grudge lists for who to transfer off the team for daring to insult the nobility- that manager needs a serious reality check. I again marvel at how shit heads like that get to be in charge in the first place but they are so common.
In October 2021 the options for workers are wide open and a mass exodus could and should happen as good employees level up and abandon their shit bosses. Never forget, people don't leave their jobs, they leave their managers.
And from the comments, I am also totally stealing the "getting high on their own farts" statement to describe people like that boss.
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From that same website:
https://www.askamanager.org/2016/07/my-best-employee-quit-on-the-spot-because-i-wouldnt-let-her-go-to-her-college-graduation.html
It's a combination of OP not getting it and potentially flexing some FU money with an inflexible employer.
Edit: On these "ask a manager" and similar sites, I always wonder if the OP ever reads the response. I've never seen OP in the comments on those sites.
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I was cheering for that employee as I read along even before I saw all the wonderful qualities the manager noted about them. 6 years. Never missing work. Always the go-to. Hard life, but made it through college. My thought was that the manager themselves should have been the one to step in for 2 hours one morning to cover for that employee when all other options were lost, but then I realized the dumb ass manager probably isn't capable of covering the job themselves in any case.
Yeah, the worker needed to graduate college and also graduate from that job and go be excellent elsewhere. The manager should apologize and offer the job back or at minimum still commit to providing a good reference if asked (unlikely the employee will even need that in today's hiring environment).
Some amazing stuff today. Employers need to get a clue that the market is heavily in the employees' favor and they need to get their collective heads out of their butts if they want to retain anyone of quality. Honestly I think they don't want to actually do that.
Good for the employees who have the skills and attitude to seize the moment and go do great things with this once in a lifetime hiring environment.
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From that same website:
https://www.askamanager.org/2016/07/my-best-employee-quit-on-the-spot-because-i-wouldnt-let-her-go-to-her-college-graduation.html
It's a combination of OP not getting it and potentially flexing some FU money with an inflexible employer.
Edit: On these "ask a manager" and similar sites, I always wonder if the OP ever reads the response. I've never seen OP in the comments on those sites.
I have seen OP respond (Usually as LW or Letter Writer), but it is almost always an OP that had a fairly reasonable question, and not the juicy ones. There have been a few OP/comment section epic arguments, although I can't link to a specific one off the top of my head.
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From that same website:
https://www.askamanager.org/2016/07/my-best-employee-quit-on-the-spot-because-i-wouldnt-let-her-go-to-her-college-graduation.html
It's a combination of OP not getting it and potentially flexing some FU money with an inflexible employer.
Edit: On these "ask a manager" and similar sites, I always wonder if the OP ever reads the response. I've never seen OP in the comments on those sites.
I have seen OP respond (Usually as LW or Letter Writer), but it is almost always an OP that had a fairly reasonable question, and not the juicy ones. There have been a few OP/comment section epic arguments, although I can't link to a specific one off the top of my head.
I do remember a few of the juicy ones coming back to claim they were misunderstood by the AAM and all the commenters, in a very "here, I will prove you all right while protesting my innocence" way.
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From that same website:
https://www.askamanager.org/2016/07/my-best-employee-quit-on-the-spot-because-i-wouldnt-let-her-go-to-her-college-graduation.html
It's a combination of OP not getting it and potentially flexing some FU money with an inflexible employer.
Edit: On these "ask a manager" and similar sites, I always wonder if the OP ever reads the response. I've never seen OP in the comments on those sites.
They sometimes do, for sure. They don't always respond in the comments using an immediately findable name, but sometimes you can search on "OP*" and find them...
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If I were in HR I would be very worried about that manager and what kind of culture they are building. Expecting workers to grovel for their pellets and keeping grudge lists for who to transfer off the team for daring to insult the nobility- that manager needs a serious reality check. I again marvel at how shit heads like that get to be in charge in the first place but they are so common.
In October 2021 the options for workers are wide open and a mass exodus could and should happen as good employees level up and abandon their shit bosses. Never forget, people don't leave their jobs, they leave their managers.
And from the comments, I am also totally stealing the "getting high on their own farts" statement to describe people like that boss.
Yes. I always marvel at how many toxic managers there are. And that farts comment was a wonderful surprise.
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We got one of our own:
You sound like a fantastic person and a fine man. I think it is safe to move forward with your plan with the following things in mind:
If I was asked to give only one line of advice to a young man, this would be it: Always listen to your instincts. As a man, you must protect yourself, your well-being, and your assets. Like it or lump it, if you were to co-habitate or marry this woman, you would inherit her debt and her problems. If you were to have a child with her, you would most-likely lose in court in most states in the US, have alimony and/or child-support, not to mention the emotional pain and loss of a "failed" relationship.
Being honorable, kind, generous etc. means nothing to the law when it comes to what a woman can take from him when a relationship ends. That's not cynical, just true.
It has only been a month, so taking it slow and cautious is the right course. Before you co-habitate, protect your assets through a trust perhaps, and also write up a contract with the help of a lawyer that puts everything on the table. Something you both sign and understand.
ANY woman/partner worth your precious time on this earth will accept a thoughtful, well written document that spells it all out at the beginning.
OK here is the cynical part: Many women feel entitled to what you own, and will take it, given the chance.
Congrats on a potential new, rewarding relationship with a good woman. Protect yourself anyway. Eyes open sir!
-fixie
Wow. Sexist, much?
The OP might want to get their advice from someone living in the 21st century.
Actually, no, but thank you for asking. OP might want to get HIS advice from another man, one with different experiences. You just don't like what I said. That doesn't make me sexist. I'm an egalitarian, and treat others the way I would like to be treated. I'm fair, honest, and honorable, not that it's your business. Those are qualities that used to be appreciated and valued, but yes, as you say, in the 21st century I must be an outlier.
Many - thousands, probably millions, considering the portion of the population that is female.
Entitled - just watch some of the many tiktok videos of partners who think they are entitled to your money, house, whatever.
Take - women are just as human as men, and so are subject to the same weakness, vices, and evils. They'll readily game any advantage, just as any other human. Especially if there is no cost to them.
Fact is, men are at a disadvantage under the law when partners split. I didn't make the rules.
Thankfully, there are also millions of fair, honest, honorable, and egalitarian women out there. It's just hard to separate the wheat from the chaff.
Protecting yourself from potentially-bad partners is sound advice.
Have a good day,
-fixie
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Okay, just read about The Dogman. Wow. Glad it had this gem of a response:
"Uninvited, worm-riddled, Christmas dinner fur guest, who dragged his itchy butt all over the carpet and destroyed one of the kid’s presents: your human is officially disinvited from everything, ever."
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Okay, just read about The Dogman. Wow. Glad it had this gem of a response:
"Uninvited, worm-riddled, Christmas dinner fur guest, who dragged his itchy butt all over the carpet and destroyed one of the kid’s presents: your human is officially disinvited from everything, ever."
I'm intrigued. Where can I find the full story on this?
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Go here https://www.askamanager.org/2021/08/weekend-open-thread-august-21-22-2021.html (https://www.askamanager.org/2021/08/weekend-open-thread-august-21-22-2021.html) and search for The Dogman. Specifically, the parts about travelling with 5 dogs.
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Go here https://www.askamanager.org/2021/08/weekend-open-thread-august-21-22-2021.html (https://www.askamanager.org/2021/08/weekend-open-thread-august-21-22-2021.html) and search for The Dogman. Specifically, the parts about travelling with 5 dogs.
Reasonable at first, but then it quickly escalates.
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We got one of our own:
You sound like a fantastic person and a fine man. I think it is safe to move forward with your plan with the following things in mind:
If I was asked to give only one line of advice to a young man, this would be it: Always listen to your instincts. As a man, you must protect yourself, your well-being, and your assets. Like it or lump it, if you were to co-habitate or marry this woman, you would inherit her debt and her problems. If you were to have a child with her, you would most-likely lose in court in most states in the US, have alimony and/or child-support, not to mention the emotional pain and loss of a "failed" relationship.
Being honorable, kind, generous etc. means nothing to the law when it comes to what a woman can take from him when a relationship ends. That's not cynical, just true.
It has only been a month, so taking it slow and cautious is the right course. Before you co-habitate, protect your assets through a trust perhaps, and also write up a contract with the help of a lawyer that puts everything on the table. Something you both sign and understand.
ANY woman/partner worth your precious time on this earth will accept a thoughtful, well written document that spells it all out at the beginning.
OK here is the cynical part: Many women feel entitled to what you own, and will take it, given the chance.
Congrats on a potential new, rewarding relationship with a good woman. Protect yourself anyway. Eyes open sir!
-fixie
Wow. Sexist, much?
The OP might want to get their advice from someone living in the 21st century.
Actually, no, but thank you for asking. OP might want to get HIS advice from another man, one with different experiences. You just don't like what I said. That doesn't make me sexist. I'm an egalitarian, and treat others the way I would like to be treated. I'm fair, honest, and honorable, not that it's your business. Those are qualities that used to be appreciated and valued, but yes, as you say, in the 21st century I must be an outlier.
Many - thousands, probably millions, considering the portion of the population that is female.
Entitled - just watch some of the many tiktok videos of partners who think they are entitled to your money, house, whatever.
Take - women are just as human as men, and so are subject to the same weakness, vices, and evils. They'll readily game any advantage, just as any other human. Especially if there is no cost to them.
Fact is, men are at a disadvantage under the law when partners split. I didn't make the rules.
Thankfully, there are also millions of fair, honest, honorable, and egalitarian women out there. It's just hard to separate the wheat from the chaff.
Protecting yourself from potentially-bad partners is sound advice.
Have a good day,
-fixie
Good Lord, I just read through that thread, and marveled at what a self-righteous jackass that man is.
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Yeah. He only seems to come out of the woodwork for those sorts of threads.
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I'm almost more put off by the egregious misuse of quote tags than the MRA energy.
Almost
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"It's just hard to separate the wheat from the chaff"
Sometimes it isn't.
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using stuff from Askamanager almost seems like cheating, but this post from yesterday was both fascinating and infuriating to read: https://www.askamanager.org/2021/10/our-highly-paid-overworked-junior-staff-keep-leaving-just-as-we-get-them-fully-trained.html
It was partially a fun one to read because the OP participated a ton in the comments (look for posts from "Vaca"), which doesn't happen often. But it was mostly just frustrating because multiple times the OP came soooooooo close to realizing/admitting that the entire industry model is terrible and fucked up, but then keeps coming up with excuses for why things are the way they are, and why they can't bail themselves.
some gems from the OP:
When asked about if anyone takes vacations:
They generally get two weeks. But everyone works on vacation to some extent. I worked through mine (literally. Eight to ten hour days).
When someone asked why they couldn't just divide up the work and hire more people who work fewer hours/week:
OP here – believe me, I don’t *want* anybody to suffer. If it were up to me, I’d love to hire twice as many people and pay them less. I’d love to tell the clients that they aren’t getting their stuff back overnight. I’d love to go back in time and get back the many all-nighters I pulled, especially the ones where the work product I came up with didn’t even get used. I agree with Alison! I’d love for it to work! But I don’t control the industry around me. Frankly I don’t even control my own firm!
Let me give an example here – actually, what prompted the letter. Two weeks ago, we were getting close to closing a deal. Coming into crunch time, the analyst quit on me. I ended up pulling TWO all nighters that week to get the deal done. I’m in my mid-40s, I brought *in* the deal, and had spent the previous three months teaching the new hire the ropes. The kicker? He went to a competitor! One who promised “free weekends” once a month – the same competitor, by the way, who *fired* half their class back in 2008. They’re just going to do it again! It’s a fraud!
In response, now we’re offering “free weekends”, ok, great, I agree with that – who’s going to explain to the client when the work isn’t done? Oh, that’s right – it’s me! I don’t want to do that! So the next time my junior staff gets rotated through the free weekend, guess who’s adding their work to my already substantial pile of weekend work? Me again! Oh, maybe they’re going to hire more people to make up for the free weekends? No, actually, they’re going to *slow down* hiring because we’re all too busy to even look at it.
So what am I supposed to do in this situation? Go tell the brass that the industry is screwed up? And then explain to my family why *I’m* looking for a new job?
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It's tough when literally the entire industry is like that. You basically need to have everyone do the makeover. Investment banking is notorious, has been notorious, and will continue to be notorious for a while. The pain is what will force them to change. Even then though, it won't be easy for them not to backslide.
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This reads like a particularly bad firm within a toxic industry. They obviously aren't paying enough to put up with the way they do things or they'd be the ones poaching people their competitors have trained and not the other way around. So they want to be low-paying and at the same time the most demanding of their people, and they're whining about high turnover. And it is just whining by the OP and the firm at large - seem unwilling to do much of anything to address the issue.
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If the OP is making that kind of money, I just have no idea why they are not looking for another job themselves. Maybe at that competitor who keeps poaching their staff? They sound like a prime candidate for Mustachianism and FU money!
And then explain to my family why *I’m* looking for a new job?
I haven't read any of the comments on the post, but I found this quote really weird. They wouldn't have to quit first, but why NOT look for a new job?
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I feel like the kind of hours being described are fine, if you're making $30,000/month, or have a title whose first initial is C.
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I am convinced some people love to be the unsolvable problem. There are answers offered but every one is a dead end and just so, so impossible for < reasons >. Some threads on the MMM forum ring a bell.
Bottom line, people do what they want to do and something about this situation works for OP. The thing that works for them could be as simple as they feel quite important and so burdened by it all which gives them a constant feedback loop of advice they can reject. It becomes boring pretty quickly once you catch on that this is what is happening for the OP.
Cue Dr. Phil.
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I am convinced some people love to be the unsolvable problem. There are answers offered but every one is a dead end and just so, so impossible for < reasons >. Some threads on the MMM forum ring a bell.
Bottom line, people do what they want to do and something about this situation works for OP. The thing that works for them could be as simple as they feel quite important and so burdened by it all which gives them a constant feedback loop of advice they can reject. It becomes boring pretty quickly once you catch on that this is what is happening for the OP.
Cue Dr. Phil.
Some people just want to whine and have no intention of shitting or getting off the pot (to use a crude metaphor). I no longer try to offer advice to them. There's no point in wearing myself out.
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Oh. My. Lord.
This manager is such an entitled asshole
https://www.askamanager.org/2021/10/my-employee-wasnt-respectful-enough-after-the-company-messed-up-her-paycheck.html (https://www.askamanager.org/2021/10/my-employee-wasnt-respectful-enough-after-the-company-messed-up-her-paycheck.html)
This ask a manager was featured in the nyt today in a apiece about workers pushing back against awful conditions. Because of this forum I knew what they were talking about!
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Another askamanager gem!
https://www.askamanager.org/2021/11/my-employee-refuses-to-lie-to-customers-but-thats-our-policy.html
TL:DR Employee refuses to lie to customers that ask for refunds, to cover up a shady ‘no refunds’ policy. Boss thinks lying to customers is better optics than the truth that they don’t offer refunds, and wants to fire the employee.
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I think my wife is lazy for not having a career while raising our kids (https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/ask-amy-i-think-my-wife-is-lazy-for-not-having-a-career-while-raising-our-kids/2021/12/01/26ff9d42-514c-11ec-8769-2f4ecdf7a2ad_story.html)
The wife in question *did work*, but not at a "career". She "chose to take jobs that would allow her more time with the kids" and "has taken the lead with the kid's activities, housework, cooking, etc.".
Husband "I think she is lazy and used the kids and house as an excuse. Our kids are both in college now, and I am paying for all of it."
Boy, if he thinks he's paying for it all now, just wait and see what a divorce costs.
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I think my wife is lazy for not having a career while raising our kids (https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/ask-amy-i-think-my-wife-is-lazy-for-not-having-a-career-while-raising-our-kids/2021/12/01/26ff9d42-514c-11ec-8769-2f4ecdf7a2ad_story.html)
The wife in question *did work*, but not at a "career". She "chose to take jobs that would allow her more time with the kids" and "has taken the lead with the kid's activities, housework, cooking, etc.".
Husband "I think she is lazy and used the kids and house as an excuse. Our kids are both in college now, and I am paying for all of it."
Boy, if he thinks he's paying for it all now, just wait and see what a divorce costs.
Holy shit. The OP dénigrâtes his wife for raising their kids and taking more flexible jobs to allow said kids to be raised and then also won’t support her when she goes back to school to increase her skills to make herself more employable? What an asshat.
Clearly he missed the part where marriage and children raising is a team activity. Their marriage, their kids, their finances.
As someone who has both had the successful and lucrative career and been stuck at home taking care of the kids and the household, I’ll take the career any day of the week because it is so much easier. This guy is clueless.
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I think my wife is lazy for not having a career while raising our kids (https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/ask-amy-i-think-my-wife-is-lazy-for-not-having-a-career-while-raising-our-kids/2021/12/01/26ff9d42-514c-11ec-8769-2f4ecdf7a2ad_story.html)
The wife in question *did work*, but not at a "career". She "chose to take jobs that would allow her more time with the kids" and "has taken the lead with the kid's activities, housework, cooking, etc.".
Husband "I think she is lazy and used the kids and house as an excuse. Our kids are both in college now, and I am paying for all of it."
Boy, if he thinks he's paying for it all now, just wait and see what a divorce costs.
Oh my goodness. The whole thing is infuriating, especially this line:
"She has taken the lead with the kid's activities, housework, cooking, etc., which I never asked her to do."
He may not have asked her to take the lead on these things, but if he didn't do it himself, who did he think was going to?!?!
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I think my wife is lazy for not having a career while raising our kids (https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/ask-amy-i-think-my-wife-is-lazy-for-not-having-a-career-while-raising-our-kids/2021/12/01/26ff9d42-514c-11ec-8769-2f4ecdf7a2ad_story.html)
The wife in question *did work*, but not at a "career". She "chose to take jobs that would allow her more time with the kids" and "has taken the lead with the kid's activities, housework, cooking, etc.".
Husband "I think she is lazy and used the kids and house as an excuse. Our kids are both in college now, and I am paying for all of it."
Boy, if he thinks he's paying for it all now, just wait and see what a divorce costs.
Oh my goodness. The whole thing is infuriating, especially this line:
"She has taken the lead with the kid's activities, housework, cooking, etc., which I never asked her to do."
He may not have asked her to take the lead on these things, but if he didn't do it himself, who did he think was going to?!?!
RIGHT. The same thing stuck out to me as well. It is a rare woman who hasn't been socialized to notice household chores that need to be done and do something about them. I think societal pressures train us to be aware of these things and feel responsible for them in a way that the average male doesn't experience.
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I think my wife is lazy for not having a career while raising our kids (https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/ask-amy-i-think-my-wife-is-lazy-for-not-having-a-career-while-raising-our-kids/2021/12/01/26ff9d42-514c-11ec-8769-2f4ecdf7a2ad_story.html)
The wife in question *did work*, but not at a "career". She "chose to take jobs that would allow her more time with the kids" and "has taken the lead with the kid's activities, housework, cooking, etc.".
Husband "I think she is lazy and used the kids and house as an excuse. Our kids are both in college now, and I am paying for all of it."
Boy, if he thinks he's paying for it all now, just wait and see what a divorce costs.
Oh my goodness. The whole thing is infuriating, especially this line:
"She has taken the lead with the kid's activities, housework, cooking, etc., which I never asked her to do."
He may not have asked her to take the lead on these things, but if he didn't do it himself, who did he think was going to?!?!
RIGHT. The same thing stuck out to me as well. It is a rare woman who hasn't been socialized to notice household chores that need to be done and do something about them. I think societal pressures train us to be aware of these things and feel responsible for them in a way that the average male doesn't experience.
I do wonder how long its going to take her to ditch him. She's clearly preparing to be self sufficient - going back to school, even taking out student loans. He's going to have a very rude shock when he's on his own and all those little chores and tasks have to be done, and no wife anymore to take care things behind the scene.
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I think my wife is lazy for not having a career while raising our kids (https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/ask-amy-i-think-my-wife-is-lazy-for-not-having-a-career-while-raising-our-kids/2021/12/01/26ff9d42-514c-11ec-8769-2f4ecdf7a2ad_story.html)
The wife in question *did work*, but not at a "career". She "chose to take jobs that would allow her more time with the kids" and "has taken the lead with the kid's activities, housework, cooking, etc.".
Husband "I think she is lazy and used the kids and house as an excuse. Our kids are both in college now, and I am paying for all of it."
Boy, if he thinks he's paying for it all now, just wait and see what a divorce costs.
Oh my goodness. The whole thing is infuriating, especially this line:
"She has taken the lead with the kid's activities, housework, cooking, etc., which I never asked her to do."
He may not have asked her to take the lead on these things, but if he didn't do it himself, who did he think was going to?!?!
RIGHT. The same thing stuck out to me as well. It is a rare woman who hasn't been socialized to notice household chores that need to be done and do something about them. I think societal pressures train us to be aware of these things and feel responsible for them in a way that the average male doesn't experience.
I do wonder how long its going to take her to ditch him. She's clearly preparing to be self sufficient - going back to school, even taking out student loans. He's going to have a very rude shock when he's on his own and all those little chores and tasks have to be done, and no wife anymore to take care things behind the scene.
Not to mention she is entitled to half the wealth they built together during the years he could advance his career, not worrying about the home front.
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I think my wife is lazy for not having a career while raising our kids (https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/ask-amy-i-think-my-wife-is-lazy-for-not-having-a-career-while-raising-our-kids/2021/12/01/26ff9d42-514c-11ec-8769-2f4ecdf7a2ad_story.html)
The wife in question *did work*, but not at a "career". She "chose to take jobs that would allow her more time with the kids" and "has taken the lead with the kid's activities, housework, cooking, etc.".
Husband "I think she is lazy and used the kids and house as an excuse. Our kids are both in college now, and I am paying for all of it."
Boy, if he thinks he's paying for it all now, just wait and see what a divorce costs.
Oh my goodness. The whole thing is infuriating, especially this line:
"She has taken the lead with the kid's activities, housework, cooking, etc., which I never asked her to do."
He may not have asked her to take the lead on these things, but if he didn't do it himself, who did he think was going to?!?!
RIGHT. The same thing stuck out to me as well. It is a rare woman who hasn't been socialized to notice household chores that need to be done and do something about them. I think societal pressures train us to be aware of these things and feel responsible for them in a way that the average male doesn't experience.
I do wonder how long its going to take her to ditch him. She's clearly preparing to be self sufficient - going back to school, even taking out student loans. He's going to have a very rude shock when he's on his own and all those little chores and tasks have to be done, and no wife anymore to take care things behind the scene.
Not to mention she is entitled to half the wealth they built together during the years he could advance his career, not worrying about the home front.
After 20 years of marriage, she is also likely legally entitled to ongoing alimony to make up for the difference in the earning potential.
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Hello old thread friend!
A real AITA doozy today:
https://www.someecards.com/lifestyle/parenting/aita-blowing-up-gender-reveal-husband/ (https://www.someecards.com/lifestyle/parenting/aita-blowing-up-gender-reveal-husband/)
This is so egregious I have to wonder if it is real or trolling.
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Hello old thread friend!
A real AITA doozy today:
https://www.someecards.com/lifestyle/parenting/aita-blowing-up-gender-reveal-husband/ (https://www.someecards.com/lifestyle/parenting/aita-blowing-up-gender-reveal-husband/)
This is so egregious I have to wonder if it is real or trolling.
As a long-time AITA lurker, this is absolutely real. And is actually one of the better gender reveal outcomes I've seen in the past 24 hours. Anyone else see the video of the dude who stabbed a bunch of stuff in his joy at having a boy?
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This one is sad, that she doesn't see how truly fucked up this whole thing is.
https://www.askamanager.org/2023/11/my-boss-hasnt-talked-to-me-since-his-drunken-striptease.html
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This one is sad, that she doesn't see how truly fucked up this whole thing is.
https://www.askamanager.org/2023/11/my-boss-hasnt-talked-to-me-since-his-drunken-striptease.html
I saw this one! Oh my! Girl, go to HR!
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This one is sad, that she doesn't see how truly fucked up this whole thing is.
https://www.askamanager.org/2023/11/my-boss-hasnt-talked-to-me-since-his-drunken-striptease.html (https://www.askamanager.org/2023/11/my-boss-hasnt-talked-to-me-since-his-drunken-striptease.html)
I saw this one! Oh my! Girl, go to HR!
I feel so sad for the OP. Socialized to tolerate that kind of behavior from men.
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This one is sad, that she doesn't see how truly fucked up this whole thing is.
https://www.askamanager.org/2023/11/my-boss-hasnt-talked-to-me-since-his-drunken-striptease.html (https://www.askamanager.org/2023/11/my-boss-hasnt-talked-to-me-since-his-drunken-striptease.html)
I saw this one! Oh my! Girl, go to HR!
I feel so sad for the OP. Socialized to tolerate that kind of behavior from men.
Do you think the woman's behavior would've been different if the boss was a woman and had done that and then been that way afterward at work?
I didn't even read into the gender dynamics initially but more so the power dynamics, especially afterward in the workplace.
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This one is sad, that she doesn't see how truly fucked up this whole thing is.
https://www.askamanager.org/2023/11/my-boss-hasnt-talked-to-me-since-his-drunken-striptease.html (https://www.askamanager.org/2023/11/my-boss-hasnt-talked-to-me-since-his-drunken-striptease.html)
I saw this one! Oh my! Girl, go to HR!
I feel so sad for the OP. Socialized to tolerate that kind of behavior from men.
Do you think the woman's behavior would've been different if the boss was a woman and had done that and then been that way afterward at work?
I didn't even read into the gender dynamics initially but more so the power dynamics, especially afterward in the workplace.
I don't know enough about the OP to know if she would have done anything differently if her boss was a woman.
In this situation, the gender and power dynamics can't be separated from each other.
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Man, Ask a Manager has had some good ones the past few days: https://www.askamanager.org/2023/11/i-was-fired-for-offending-coworkers-interviewing-someone-with-a-visible-squishmallow-collection-and-more.html
(#1, specifically)
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Man, Ask a Manager has had some good ones the past few days: https://www.askamanager.org/2023/11/i-was-fired-for-offending-coworkers-interviewing-someone-with-a-visible-squishmallow-collection-and-more.html
That first one was painful.
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https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/welcome-to-the-forum/i-was-issued-a-receipt-but-gov't-claims-they-didn't-receive-payment/msg3202327/#new
Just pisses me off a bit because people like OP drive up costs for all of us. Local governments are where a real impact can (sometimes) be made and change can start.
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https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/welcome-to-the-forum/i-was-issued-a-receipt-but-gov't-claims-they-didn't-receive-payment/msg3202327/#new
Just pisses me off a bit because people like OP drive up costs for all of us. Local governments are where a real impact can (sometimes) be made and change can start.
So they knew the account number was illegible on their check and tried to use it to pay anyway? Sounds like fraud if that’s the case.
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https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/welcome-to-the-forum/i-was-issued-a-receipt-but-gov't-claims-they-didn't-receive-payment/msg3202327/#new
Just pisses me off a bit because people like OP drive up costs for all of us. Local governments are where a real impact can (sometimes) be made and change can start.
So they knew the account number was illegible on their check and tried to use it to pay anyway? Sounds like fraud if that’s the case.
It's slightly more complicated because it was a crappy government system versus a physical check, but essentially the same situation. And yeah, it's fraud to try to get something when you know you haven't paid for it, but OP is calling the fact that his bank statement confirms he hasn't paid "legally immaterial".
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https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/welcome-to-the-forum/i-was-issued-a-receipt-but-gov't-claims-they-didn't-receive-payment/msg3202327/#new
Just pisses me off a bit because people like OP drive up costs for all of us. Local governments are where a real impact can (sometimes) be made and change can start.
So they knew the account number was illegible on their check and tried to use it to pay anyway? Sounds like fraud if that’s the case.
It's slightly more complicated because it was a crappy government system versus a physical check, but essentially the same situation. And yeah, it's fraud to try to get something when you know you haven't paid for it, but OP is calling the fact that his bank statement confirms he hasn't paid "legally immaterial".
This is why we can't have nice things.
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https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/welcome-to-the-forum/i-was-issued-a-receipt-but-gov't-claims-they-didn't-receive-payment/msg3202327/#new
Just pisses me off a bit because people like OP drive up costs for all of us. Local governments are where a real impact can (sometimes) be made and change can start.
So they knew the account number was illegible on their check and tried to use it to pay anyway? Sounds like fraud if that’s the case.
It's slightly more complicated because it was a crappy government system versus a physical check, but essentially the same situation. And yeah, it's fraud to try to get something when you know you haven't paid for it, but OP is calling the fact that his bank statement confirms he hasn't paid "legally immaterial".
My favorite part was when they defined shady as actions not aligning with words, then repeatedly insisted that they had clearly said they would pay if they had to (they just didn't think they should have to). It would seem that they were eventually convinced to pay, which gave them a stand to double down on their words.
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https://www.askamanager.org/2024/01/our-employee-was-the-victim-of-a-scam-did-we-mishandle-it.html
OP in this case was asking if they were in the wrong at least.
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https://www.askamanager.org/2024/01/our-employee-was-the-victim-of-a-scam-did-we-mishandle-it.html
OP in this case was asking if they were in the wrong at least.
Woah.
What the hell kind of legal council advises firing an employee who was victimized, told his employer, and did nothing wrong? Jesus.
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What the hell kind of legal council advises firing an employee who was victimized, told his employer, and did nothing wrong? Jesus.
Looks like you answered your own question there
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https://www.askamanager.org/2024/01/our-employee-was-the-victim-of-a-scam-did-we-mishandle-it.html
OP in this case was asking if they were in the wrong at least.
Woah.
What the hell kind of legal council advises firing an employee who was victimized, told his employer, and did nothing wrong? Jesus.
Some commentators thought that the church applied the playbook for clergy/employee abusing someone, despite it not being applicable.
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https://www.askamanager.org/2024/01/our-employee-was-the-victim-of-a-scam-did-we-mishandle-it.html
OP in this case was asking if they were in the wrong at least.
Woah.
What the hell kind of legal council advises firing an employee who was victimized, told his employer, and did nothing wrong? Jesus.
Some commentators thought that the church applied the playbook for clergy/employee abusing someone, despite it not being applicable.
Yeah . . . you don't treat someone who isn't a rapist like a rapist. Bizarre.
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https://www.askamanager.org/2024/01/our-employee-was-the-victim-of-a-scam-did-we-mishandle-it.html
OP in this case was asking if they were in the wrong at least.
Woah.
What the hell kind of legal council advises firing an employee who was victimized, told his employer, and did nothing wrong? Jesus.
Some commentators thought that the church applied the playbook for clergy/employee abusing someone, despite it not being applicable.
Eh, anything that could be construed as outside the strict religious norm for sexual behavior can be quickly lumped into a broad category of deviant behavior. The church's overreaction (treating him like a criminal and/or mentally ill) is very unsurprising, at least to someone familiar with religious organizations.
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https://www.askamanager.org/2024/01/our-employee-was-the-victim-of-a-scam-did-we-mishandle-it.html
OP in this case was asking if they were in the wrong at least.
Woah.
What the hell kind of legal council advises firing an employee who was victimized, told his employer, and did nothing wrong? Jesus.
Some commentators thought that the church applied the playbook for clergy/employee abusing someone, despite it not being applicable.
Eh, anything that could be construed as outside the strict religious norm for sexual behavior can be quickly lumped into a broad category of deviant behavior. The church's overreaction (treating him like a criminal and/or mentally ill) is very unsurprising, at least to someone familiar with religious organizations.
I guess that's the problem with being unable to distinguish between real, dangerous deviant behaviour and behaviour you simply don't approve of because your God said it was bad.
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Churches are just generally terrible employers too - often run with by a bunch of volunteers many of whom think the staff should also be working for free.
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What the hell kind of legal council advises firing an employee who was victimized, told his employer, and did nothing wrong? Jesus.
Looks like you answered your own question there
Ha!
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https://www.askamanager.org/2024/01/our-employee-was-the-victim-of-a-scam-did-we-mishandle-it.html
OP in this case was asking if they were in the wrong at least.
Woah.
What the hell kind of legal council advises firing an employee who was victimized, told his employer, and did nothing wrong? Jesus.
Some commentators thought that the church applied the playbook for clergy/employee abusing someone, despite it not being applicable.
Eh, anything that could be construed as outside the strict religious norm for sexual behavior can be quickly lumped into a broad category of deviant behavior. The church's overreaction (treating him like a criminal and/or mentally ill) is very unsurprising, at least to someone familiar with religious organizations.
I guess that's the problem with being unable to distinguish between real, dangerous deviant behaviour and behaviour you simply don't approve of because your God said it was bad.
Yea, as someone who works in a mainline Protestant church, this sadly does not surprise me at all. Screams of an over-reaction from a bunch of volunteer hr folks who were more worried about the optics of parents finding out that the youth pastor has a sex life (gasp!) than worrying about the employee. I wish churches could be better employers, but so many of them are not.
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Textbook high demand religion shit -- cult-like control structures wrapped up in a fluffy cushion of purity culture/guilt/fear of eternal damnation. Common across many religious institutions -- LDS, Scientology, Jehovah's Witnesses, and most evangelical/fundamentalist Christian sects -- especially things like the IBLP (what the Duggar family was involved in and what my own family was into at one point). I've gone deep down this rabbit hole the past few months via several youtube channels/podcasts that have excellent content: Mormon Stories, Cults to Consciousness, Jordan and McCay, Fundie Fridays, NUanceHoe, Growing Up in Polygamy. Lots of very good content out there. Hopefully this guy has found some of it and is well down the road to a healthy deconstruction of the f-ed up belief system he was lucky to get away from.
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Regarding dogman, there are neighborhood/HOA, city and county restrictions for number of dogs one can house. State restrictions are usually the LEAST restrictive of these regs. These regs were created for safety and health reasons. As you can see from this list there are entire states where you would be breaking local housing regs by bringing 5 dogs. So yes he is being unreasonable https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/dog-limit-per-household-by-state
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Textbook high demand religion shit -- cult-like control structures wrapped up in a fluffy cushion of purity culture/guilt/fear of eternal damnation. Common across many religious institutions -- LDS, Scientology, Jehovah's Witnesses, and most evangelical/fundamentalist Christian sects -- especially things like the IBLP (what the Duggar family was involved in and what my own family was into at one point). I've gone deep down this rabbit hole the past few months via several youtube channels/podcasts that have excellent content: Mormon Stories, Cults to Consciousness, Jordan and McCay, Fundie Fridays, NUanceHoe, Growing Up in Polygamy. Lots of very good content out there. Hopefully this guy has found some of it and is well down the road to a healthy deconstruction of the f-ed up belief system he was lucky to get away from.
Not trying to quibble about the edge cases, but the link identified the church in question as mainline Protestant, so this was not a community like what you are describing. More likely they were overly conservative in applying risk tolerance at the expense of the actual victim. Consider it a classic case of forgetting the victim whilst worrying about the institution.
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Textbook high demand religion shit -- cult-like control structures wrapped up in a fluffy cushion of purity culture/guilt/fear of eternal damnation. Common across many religious institutions -- LDS, Scientology, Jehovah's Witnesses, and most evangelical/fundamentalist Christian sects -- especially things like the IBLP (what the Duggar family was involved in and what my own family was into at one point). I've gone deep down this rabbit hole the past few months via several youtube channels/podcasts that have excellent content: Mormon Stories, Cults to Consciousness, Jordan and McCay, Fundie Fridays, NUanceHoe, Growing Up in Polygamy. Lots of very good content out there. Hopefully this guy has found some of it and is well down the road to a healthy deconstruction of the f-ed up belief system he was lucky to get away from.
Not trying to quibble about the edge cases, but the link identified the church in question as mainline Protestant, so this was not a community like what you are describing. More likely they were overly conservative in applying risk tolerance at the expense of the actual victim. Consider it a classic case of forgetting the victim whilst worrying about the institution.
Could totally see my UU church (supposed to be a progressive denomination and I heard one long-time member describe it as the "most liberal" church in our city) doing something like this depending on who our personnel committee chair is in the future - I think you get even more variation in terms of reasonable policy / consistency with volunteers. Just general competence and effort is even more variable than with paid staff. "Internally conservative" - my 3 years as chair of the finance committee were clearly uncomfortable for long-timers who viewed that committee's role as gatekeeping / blocking changes.
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Textbook high demand religion shit -- cult-like control structures wrapped up in a fluffy cushion of purity culture/guilt/fear of eternal damnation. Common across many religious institutions -- LDS, Scientology, Jehovah's Witnesses, and most evangelical/fundamentalist Christian sects -- especially things like the IBLP (what the Duggar family was involved in and what my own family was into at one point). I've gone deep down this rabbit hole the past few months via several youtube channels/podcasts that have excellent content: Mormon Stories, Cults to Consciousness, Jordan and McCay, Fundie Fridays, NUanceHoe, Growing Up in Polygamy. Lots of very good content out there. Hopefully this guy has found some of it and is well down the road to a healthy deconstruction of the f-ed up belief system he was lucky to get away from.
Not trying to quibble about the edge cases, but the link identified the church in question as mainline Protestant, so this was not a community like what you are describing. More likely they were overly conservative in applying risk tolerance at the expense of the actual victim. Consider it a classic case of forgetting the victim whilst worrying about the institution.
Could totally see my UU church (supposed to be a progressive denomination and I heard one long-time member describe it as the "most liberal" church in our city) doing something like this depending on who our personnel committee chair is in the future - I think you get even more variation in terms of reasonable policy / consistency with volunteers. Just general competence and effort is even more variable than with paid staff. "Internally conservative" - my 3 years as chair of the finance committee were clearly uncomfortable for long-timers who viewed that committee's role as gatekeeping / blocking changes.
Yea, it’s one of the more unfortunate things that tends to happen in “the church”, even the progressive ones. It is super frustrating for those of us who found ourselves working in a system so resistant to change or flexibility, when for many of us (myself included) the passion to serve was absolutely unattached to institutional protection, and all about service and mission. Learning how to cope and bend the institution towards creativity and goodness, and in the case of this link, towards justice, is a big project.
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https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/daughter-betrayal-care-and-feeding-advice.html
I am an aggrieved single mother with a special needs son. For some strange reason, my younger daughter has prioritized going to college, earning money and building a life of her own over becoming the caretaker of her now-adult older brother as she enter adulthood. She lucked her way into some kind of "scholarship" - to study finance instead of social work to boot! She is ruining my retirement plans with her selfishness.
I am not a Slate subscriber so I only see the question. Please somebody with a subscription tell me the OP got a dose of reality.
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https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/daughter-betrayal-care-and-feeding-advice.html
I am an aggrieved single mother with a special needs son. For some strange reason, my younger daughter has prioritized going to college, earning money and building a life of her own over becoming the caretaker of her now-adult older brother as she enter adulthood. She lucked her way into some kind of "scholarship" - to study finance instead of social work to boot! She is ruining my retirement plans with her selfishness.
I am not a Slate subscriber so I only see the question. Please somebody with a subscription tell me the OP got a dose of reality.
Huh, I'm not a subscriber either but I can see the whole thing. Here's the reply:
Dear Abandoned,
You don’t. Stop trying.
At some point, you decided that Kayla’s wishes and hopes shouldn’t matter; that she has no right to make decisions about her own future. I think it’s admirable that she worked hard and landed a good scholarship despite you discouraging her at every turn; it probably took real strength and courage to make her own path despite a lifetime of being told that she was selfish to want anything for herself. Your daughter isn’t choosing money over family or “bombing” you in any way. She is choosing to live her own life and make decisions for herself—which she has every right to do—instead of allowing you to dictate what happens to her.
I think it’s really sad that you blame your children for what happened in your marriage. It is never the fault of children when adults divorce (though it’s sadly common for people to try to pin this on disabled children, especially). Though I don’t dismiss the reality or the importance of Josh’s needs—we should all get the support we require!—your letter raised some questions for me regarding how he’s been treated as well. I also find it tragic that you’ve undermined your kids’ relationship by telling Kayla that loving or supporting her brother has to mean giving up all thoughts of anything she may personally want. By attempting to control your daughter’s life and her choices in this suffocating way, you’ve effectively deprived your children of a sibling relationship that could have been close, important, and nourishing to both of them.
Though our situations are very different, I am the parent of an autistic child who gets a lot of support, and I am not a stranger to some of the worries you probably have. But meeting her needs—which includes thinking about the future and what will allow her to have the most independent life possible—is ultimately my responsibility, not her sibling’s. Their relationship and bond is theirs, not mine, to define, and I view their responsibility to one another primarily in terms of love and respect: I just want them to always be part of each other’s lives.
I am not saying that siblings can’t or shouldn’t be involved in supporting disabled siblings. If Kayla wanted or felt able to move home to be more available to you and Josh, that would be one thing. But I suspect that even if she once imagined making that choice, you’ve now made it feel fairly impossible to her by continually dismissing and driving her away. It’s not her fault, and it’s certainly not Josh’s. Kayla isn’t “selfish” for wanting to go to college, pick her own major and career, and live where she chooses. I don’t know if you are ready to take responsibility for your actions, apologize to both your children, and let them figure out what kind of sibling relationship they want to have or build. But whether or not intrafamily healing is possible at this point, between you and your children or between the two of them, I strongly encourage you to seek the professional help you need to deal with your issues so you can stop making them your children’s burden.
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Slate has a few articles free and then a paywall, but incognito or an alternate browser usually works.
Holy buckets on that mom. Not a whole lot of parents who would be heartbroken that their child is going into business instead of social work.
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I suspect that the daughter probably INTENDS to make buckets of money (more than her mom could imagine) in finance or some similarly lucrative career and then will PAY for her brother's care, at least partially. But with a mom like that, she is keeping tight lipped so that she can do it as a generous gesture once she has her own financial foundation built, not as something her mom expects/feels entitled to. I mean, mom already clearly feels entitled to her entire future. Who encourages their kid to go into social work if money is tight, for god's sake?
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I suspect that the daughter probably INTENDS to make buckets of money (more than her mom could imagine) in finance or some similarly lucrative career and then will PAY for her brother's care, at least partially. But with a mom like that, she is keeping tight lipped so that she can do it as a generous gesture once she has her own financial foundation built, not as something her mom expects/feels entitled to. I mean, mom already clearly feels entitled to her entire future. Who encourages their kid to go into social work if money is tight, for god's sake?
This. Mom and Dad did a piss-poor job of planning. Lucrative career at least leaves a possibility that someone is actually going to ensure the son gets taken care of when they pass away.
This one hits home in a "how the hell is this the parents' plan!?" way - my wife has a cousin who is like a brother who is now 43 and disabled - he's better off than many folks, but clearly he'll never be able to truly manage his own affairs. His mom passed away a lot earlier than anyone expected - cancer in 2019. His dad is his caretaker but is roughly 85 years old now. His brother died before that of a drug overdose. He has a half-sister, but she's got her own autistic son that will clearly take priority and she has some health-problems of her own.
My MIL controls cousin's money and doesn't get along with cousin's dad (who divorced her sister many decades ago). In any event, there's actually a pretty perfect group home specifically for men in our cousin's situation in their small-ish southern city that has expanded and has 4 new spots available. When we visited my wife, MIL, and I even visited the place, met the folks who run it (both high-level and day-to-day) and some of the residents. Really does look like a good place for him, and the opportunity is now (has been nearly a decade since this place last had any openings at all). But MIL and cousin's dad refused to talk about things (yet again) and make it a priority to get cousin in to this place before it fills up again.
So to me, it sure looks like we're headed to a repeat of 2019 when my wife's aunt was trying to finally put some kind of plan together literally on her death bed.
Try to remind both my wife and myself this is NOT actually our circus as often as I can - despite wife's feelings about everything and really wanting to help out in the long-term care plan for our cousin. They grew up like siblings, and there's nothing she can really do in this situation (we've tried for a few years to make this conversation happen, but nothing of substance ever comes out of it).
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The title is actually not click bait. And while I think the response is pretty harsh, isn't also not un-true.
https://captainawkward.com/2024/01/22/1418-need-to-convince-my-ex-husband-to-have-my-babies/
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The title is actually not click bait. And while I think the response is pretty harsh, isn't also not un-true.
https://captainawkward.com/2024/01/22/1418-need-to-convince-my-ex-husband-to-have-my-babies/
Wow...that was 100% worth the 3 minutes it took me to read. Just...wow. That is one of the best "WTAF?" responses I've ever seen to an advice-seeking question.
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The title is actually not click bait. And while I think the response is pretty harsh, isn't also not un-true.
https://captainawkward.com/2024/01/22/1418-need-to-convince-my-ex-husband-to-have-my-babies/
I love this line of the response:
“The problem is that every single part of your plan on its own is the worst plan I’ve ever heard, and together they form a bullshit Voltron worthy of its own wing in the International Shitshow Museum.”
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The title is actually not click bait. And while I think the response is pretty harsh, isn't also not un-true.
https://captainawkward.com/2024/01/22/1418-need-to-convince-my-ex-husband-to-have-my-babies/
I love this line of the response:
“The problem is that every single part of your plan on its own is the worst plan I’ve ever heard, and together they form a bullshit Voltron worthy of its own wing in the International Shitshow Museum.”
"Your rotting soul is not your ex's problem" was pretty good.
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The title is actually not click bait. And while I think the response is pretty harsh, isn't also not un-true.
https://captainawkward.com/2024/01/22/1418-need-to-convince-my-ex-husband-to-have-my-babies/
I love this line of the response:
“The problem is that every single part of your plan on its own is the worst plan I’ve ever heard, and together they form a bullshit Voltron worthy of its own wing in the International Shitshow Museum.”
"Your rotting soul is not your ex's problem" was pretty good.
Yep - that too.
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The title is actually not click bait. And while I think the response is pretty harsh, isn't also not un-true.
https://captainawkward.com/2024/01/22/1418-need-to-convince-my-ex-husband-to-have-my-babies/
I love this line of the response:
“The problem is that every single part of your plan on its own is the worst plan I’ve ever heard, and together they form a bullshit Voltron worthy of its own wing in the International Shitshow Museum.”
"Your rotting soul is not your ex's problem" was pretty good.
Yep - that too.
I just hope the ex has blocked her number and doesn’t fall for any tricks.
The response is spot on, what a train wreck.
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The title is actually not click bait. And while I think the response is pretty harsh, isn't also not un-true.
https://captainawkward.com/2024/01/22/1418-need-to-convince-my-ex-husband-to-have-my-babies/
I love this line of the response:
“The problem is that every single part of your plan on its own is the worst plan I’ve ever heard, and together they form a bullshit Voltron worthy of its own wing in the International Shitshow Museum.”
Loved it. That is a Billy Madison level response there.
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The Captain is such a good writer!
That OP is Example Numero Uno of the kind of person who really needs to be in therapy. Whoosh.
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Another solid contribution from ask a manager.
http://www.askamanager.org/2024/02/i-was-rejected-because-i-told-my-interviewer-i-never-make-mistakes.html#comments
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Another solid contribution from ask a manager.
http://www.askamanager.org/2024/02/i-was-rejected-because-i-told-my-interviewer-i-never-make-mistakes.html#comments
Oh good! If you hadn’t posted this, I would have done so.
Ironic that he made so many mistakes in telling his interviewer he doesn’t make mistakes (and it’s aftermath).
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Thirding that, just came here to post it! :D
If the details weren't completely off, I would've thought this OP was someone I once interviewed with. As a follow-up to one of the questions, she asked "Knowing what you do now, would you do anything different?" I said something about a change I would've made around the edges; I didn't realize the optics of X so I would've managed that better. In the feedback for not hiring me, she said that she wanted to "see the courage of my convictions" and wanted me to answer that I wouldn't have done anything different. Many years later, I'm now her peer, and Alison's assessment of "The only people who think they don’t make mistakes are people who are oblivious to weaknesses in their work, or too arrogant or insecure (and those are often two sides of the same coin) to acknowledge them." is this lady to a T.
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I was going to post that too. The lack of self-awareness and pure arrogance was stunning.
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I've never made a serious mistake at work. I'm not perfect at all . . . like I've screwed up lots of relatively minor stuff that I've had to go back and fix. But nothing of any real consequence or that caused a long lasting issue, so always have problems with that sort of question . . . because I don't have any really big thing to talk about. Eventually I just made up a plausible sounding mistake and solution, and that's what I use now. While the guy in the letter certainly sounds like an asshole, I kinda agree with him that it's a dumb question.
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Bright side! This guy now has an answer for his biggest mistake!
"I was an unmitigated prick to people interviewing me because I made assumptions about them, talked down to them, and generally came off as an arrogant asshole. Then I stalked one of the panel members to scold her for her obvious mistake in not hiring the Fabulous Me. It took me a decade of being blackballed in the industry before I was able to return to the same level of work that I held before I murdered my career."
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I've never made a serious mistake at work. I'm not perfect at all . . . like I've screwed up lots of relatively minor stuff that I've had to go back and fix. But nothing of any real consequence or that caused a long lasting issue, so always have problems with that sort of question . . . because I don't have any really big thing to talk about. Eventually I just made up a plausible sounding mistake and solution, and that's what I use now. While the guy in the letter certainly sounds like an asshole, I kinda agree with him that it's a dumb question.
I guess the question could be rephrased to not say biggest, but don't you feel like there's benefit to learning how someone processes mistakes? I'm sure you could just say I did this or that thing without it being huge, and here's how I handled it. I have a go to answer to that question that was a mistake that was cleared up in about a day or so but that I learned a lot from about managing stress and realizing that most mistakes are fixable.
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I've never made a serious mistake at work. I'm not perfect at all . . . like I've screwed up lots of relatively minor stuff that I've had to go back and fix. But nothing of any real consequence or that caused a long lasting issue, so always have problems with that sort of question . . . because I don't have any really big thing to talk about. Eventually I just made up a plausible sounding mistake and solution, and that's what I use now. While the guy in the letter certainly sounds like an asshole, I kinda agree with him that it's a dumb question.
I guess the question could be rephrased to not say biggest, but don't you feel like there's benefit to learning how someone processes mistakes? I'm sure you could just say I did this or that thing without it being huge, and here's how I handled it. I have a go to answer to that question that was a mistake that was cleared up in about a day or so but that I learned a lot from about managing stress and realizing that most mistakes are fixable.
As part of an interview question? No, I don't think there's any value at all. Because what you're really testing for is how the person reacts to your question rather than the content of what they tell you - for any relatively standard interview question like this one most of the time the content they tell you is a completely fabricated falsehood designed to make the candidate sound good.
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Very literally, if you've made any mistakes at work, there's one mistake that is the biggest mistake. And as several commenters on the original post pointed out, the actual mistake doesn't matter much, it's the ability to recover, reflect, and learn from it.
That said, the roles I hire for require a high willingness to take risks. People who don't have relatively large mistakes to share tell me that they will also not be willing to take the risks necessary to succeed.
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I've never made a serious mistake at work. I'm not perfect at all . . . like I've screwed up lots of relatively minor stuff that I've had to go back and fix. But nothing of any real consequence or that caused a long lasting issue, so always have problems with that sort of question . . . because I don't have any really big thing to talk about. Eventually I just made up a plausible sounding mistake and solution, and that's what I use now. While the guy in the letter certainly sounds like an asshole, I kinda agree with him that it's a dumb question.
I guess the question could be rephrased to not say biggest, but don't you feel like there's benefit to learning how someone processes mistakes? I'm sure you could just say I did this or that thing without it being huge, and here's how I handled it. I have a go to answer to that question that was a mistake that was cleared up in about a day or so but that I learned a lot from about managing stress and realizing that most mistakes are fixable.
Assuming that the letter writer actually had never made a mistake at work, he still could have spoken honestly but more tactfully. For instance he could have said, "I've been fortunate enough to not have made any impactful mistakes in my career so far, but here are the steps I take to double check my work and thinking. And if I were to make a big mistake, this is what I think I'd do, based on watching others do..."
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Very literally, if you've made any mistakes at work, there's one mistake that is the biggest mistake. And as several commenters on the original post pointed out, the actual mistake doesn't matter much, it's the ability to recover, reflect, and learn from it.
My biggest real mistake would be something like . . . "I forgot to check in code a couple days in a row and then had a disk failure - so lost a two day's worth of work. I felt like a dumbass, so made a reminder in Outlook that triggers an hour before the end of every day to always checkin my work and it hasn't happened again. I learned to never trust myself to remember things when under pressure and to schedule reminders whenever possible as a backup plan."
The problem with that answer is that it's a relatively trivial mistake and solution. So if I were to actually use it, the interviewer is likely to penalize that truthfulness. Ironically, this forces me to make up something that sounds like a more plausible big mistake so I can come up with a nicer sounding solution. It's pointless hoop jumping, but that's what some lazy folks in charge of hiring need to hear.
That said, the roles I hire for require a high willingness to take risks. People who don't have relatively large mistakes to share tell me that they will also not be willing to take the risks necessary to succeed.
Yeah, this kind of mistaken short-cut thinking on the part of interviewers is why people are forced to lie in interviews when confronted with these boiler plate 'interview questions'.
Honestly, I think the whole process of interviewing for a position (at least an engineering position) is badly flawed. I'd much rather (as both manager and worker) to have a quick chat that covers technical aspects and glaring communication issues and then a couple week paid trial period to see if something is going to work out. It's a nightmare from an HR perspective, but I bet it would help hire the right person for the job much more often.
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Very literally, if you've made any mistakes at work, there's one mistake that is the biggest mistake. And as several commenters on the original post pointed out, the actual mistake doesn't matter much, it's the ability to recover, reflect, and learn from it.
My biggest real mistake would be something like . . . "I forgot to check in code a couple days in a row and then had a disk failure - so lost a two day's worth of work. I felt like a dumbass, so made a reminder in Outlook that triggers an hour before the end of every day to always checkin my work and it hasn't happened again. I learned to never trust myself to remember things when under pressure and to schedule reminders whenever possible as a backup plan."
The problem with that answer is that it's a relatively trivial mistake and solution. So if I were to actually use it, the interviewer is likely to penalize that truthfulness. Ironically, this forces me to make up something that sounds like a more plausible big mistake so I can come up with a nicer sounding solution. It's pointless hoop jumping, but that's what some lazy folks in charge of hiring need to hear.
That said, the roles I hire for require a high willingness to take risks. People who don't have relatively large mistakes to share tell me that they will also not be willing to take the risks necessary to succeed.
Yeah, this kind of mistaken short-cut thinking on the part of interviewers is why people are forced to lie in interviews when confronted with these boiler plate 'interview questions'.
Honestly, I think the whole process of interviewing for a position (at least an engineering position) is badly flawed. I'd much rather (as both manager and worker) to have a quick chat that covers technical aspects and glaring communication issues and then a couple week paid trial period to see if something is going to work out. It's a nightmare from an HR perspective, but I bet it would help hire the right person for the job much more often.
Back in the 80s I was working at a power plant outside of a little city called Pripyat. We were testing some emergency water pumps, and the reactor almost went to zero. I restarted it, but I messed up the control rod configuration. Oops. Yatta yatta yatta, they changed the name of the town.
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Honestly, I think the whole process of interviewing for a position (at least an engineering position) is badly flawed. I'd much rather (as both manager and worker) to have a quick chat that covers technical aspects and glaring communication issues and then a couple week paid trial period to see if something is going to work out. It's a nightmare from an HR perspective, but I bet it would help hire the right person for the job much more often.
Would your job grant you an extra two weeks of leave at will to search for a new job, with no consequences upon your return?
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I think with most jobs, they know you have the skills and experience or you don't even make it to the interview. So the interview is more about whether you are a cultural fit, whether the way you make decisions aligns with the organization or department, etc. For highly technical positions that are only technical positions, sure, a test of some kind might be better. But even then, you could easily end up with a guy like the letter writer, and that's the entire point. That guy may be a great programmer, but he'd still be a nightmare employee. I think his entire situation shows exactly why interviews are valuable and not badly flawed. They did exactly what they are supposed to --weed out a guy with the experience and technical skills, but that you still most definitely don't want to hire.
Even a 3 week trial may not bring to light that this guy is a nightmare. During that time, if he doesn't need to be corrected, directed, or have his work scrutinized, everything may seem fine. If no one sees a way better than his and tries to tell him that, all seems well. So the interview found what a 3 week trial likely wouldn't.
Probably the best option would be to have both, but these trial periods would be nightmares for employees. Certainly you couldn't secure a new job while still working your old one. And you would also have to pause your search, do the trial, and then continue your search if that fell through.
These posts lead to a nice conversation last night with DH during our dog walk. He's beginning a job search and starting to prepare for interviews. I asked him this question to see if he had an answer, then I told him about the AAM letter and resulting conversation.
His answer is basically the same for the "biggest mistake" and "biggest weakness" questions, with one having more details about a single specific incident. We talked about how his answer shouldn't just be the mistake or the weakness, but also that he's aware of the issue and therefore takes steps to mitigate it. So it does show how he thinks, but also that he's self-aware and knows how to manage this area of weakness. Sure, some employer could be like, "yeah, we can't have a guy with a tendency to do X as that's not a fit for us", but mostly, they will [hopefully], think, yes, this shows us he learns from his mistakes, is thoughtful about balancing some instincts that are useful in some cases but not-great in others, and he can be managed effectively."
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I've never made a serious mistake at work. I'm not perfect at all . . . like I've screwed up lots of relatively minor stuff that I've had to go back and fix. But nothing of any real consequence or that caused a long lasting issue, so always have problems with that sort of question . . . because I don't have any really big thing to talk about. Eventually I just made up a plausible sounding mistake and solution, and that's what I use now. While the guy in the letter certainly sounds like an asshole, I kinda agree with him that it's a dumb question.
I guess the question could be rephrased to not say biggest, but don't you feel like there's benefit to learning how someone processes mistakes? I'm sure you could just say I did this or that thing without it being huge, and here's how I handled it. I have a go to answer to that question that was a mistake that was cleared up in about a day or so but that I learned a lot from about managing stress and realizing that most mistakes are fixable.
As part of an interview question? No, I don't think there's any value at all. Because what you're really testing for is how the person reacts to your question rather than the content of what they tell you - for any relatively standard interview question like this one most of the time the content they tell you is a completely fabricated falsehood designed to make the candidate sound good.
From that perspective, I understand you. By that perspective, though, pretty much any non technical interview question is without merit. Unless you're literally problem solving on the fly or answering some sort of knowledge test, anything else could be fabricated.
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I've never made a serious mistake at work. I'm not perfect at all . . . like I've screwed up lots of relatively minor stuff that I've had to go back and fix. But nothing of any real consequence or that caused a long lasting issue, so always have problems with that sort of question . . . because I don't have any really big thing to talk about. Eventually I just made up a plausible sounding mistake and solution, and that's what I use now. While the guy in the letter certainly sounds like an asshole, I kinda agree with him that it's a dumb question.
I guess the question could be rephrased to not say biggest, but don't you feel like there's benefit to learning how someone processes mistakes? I'm sure you could just say I did this or that thing without it being huge, and here's how I handled it. I have a go to answer to that question that was a mistake that was cleared up in about a day or so but that I learned a lot from about managing stress and realizing that most mistakes are fixable.
As part of an interview question? No, I don't think there's any value at all. Because what you're really testing for is how the person reacts to your question rather than the content of what they tell you - for any relatively standard interview question like this one most of the time the content they tell you is a completely fabricated falsehood designed to make the candidate sound good.
From that perspective, I understand you. By that perspective, though, pretty much any non technical interview question is without merit. Unless you're literally problem solving on the fly or answering some sort of knowledge test, anything else could be fabricated.
Even if they are fabricated, I think people's answers to questions still give very solid insight into them.
Expanding on my comment that DH and I discussed his potential answer to questions like this, the specific example he gave is pretty convoluted. Given that he can easily rabbit-hole when speaking, we talked about how it would be easy for him to get bogged down in the details, trying to explain the situation, when what's really important is the weakness/mistake part of it, which is that when an urgent situation comes up, his first instinct is "act!!!". (This was trained into him since when you are a pilot, if the engine goes out, you don't have 10 minutes to sit and ponder options before executing.) So we talked about how it would be easier to just simplify the actual situation to get to that same major point.
Even if the entire thing was fabricated whole-cloth, what someone chooses to fabricate still shows what they value, what they think of themselves, and what they think the company is looking for. To go back to our AAM letter, what if that guy actually makes tons of mistakes and lied because he thought that "perfection" is what they wanted to hear? It shows that what he values and prioritizes isn't in line with what the company values. Even if he hadn't been a massive AH about it, saying he hasn't ever made a mistake of any kind--even if a lie--still says, "this isn't the right fit"
If someone chooses to lie and say their mistake was being overly involved with the staff they oversee because they think the company wants a clear chain of command, if the company culture is such that they want managers to be hands-on and in the trenches, it shows they are a bad fit.
There are very often fundamental truths in the lies we choose to tell. I think an interview panel gets a lot of out answers that include lies.
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Honestly, I think the whole process of interviewing for a position (at least an engineering position) is badly flawed. I'd much rather (as both manager and worker) to have a quick chat that covers technical aspects and glaring communication issues and then a couple week paid trial period to see if something is going to work out. It's a nightmare from an HR perspective, but I bet it would help hire the right person for the job much more often.
This is exactly how Chinese labor contracts are written. You are interviewed and are offered a contract with a three-month probation period. At the end of the three months, you either have successfully completed probation or are let go, depending on your performance. Most people successfully complete probation. It’s no more work for HR than hiring someone who quits after a couple months.
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As a hiring manager I think it's a great question. I don't really care how huge the mistakes was that someone tells about, I want to see how they talk and think about recovering from a mistake. Do they blame others? Do they intake responsibility? Does the response include communication? Learning?
For most of us, we probably didn't have some horrible costly mistake that was a big deal.
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Honestly, I think the whole process of interviewing for a position (at least an engineering position) is badly flawed. I'd much rather (as both manager and worker) to have a quick chat that covers technical aspects and glaring communication issues and then a couple week paid trial period to see if something is going to work out. It's a nightmare from an HR perspective, but I bet it would help hire the right person for the job much more often.
This is exactly how Chinese labor contracts are written. You are interviewed and are offered a contract with a three-month probation period. At the end of the three months, you either have successfully completed probation or are let go, depending on your performance. Most people successfully complete probation. It’s no more work for HR than hiring someone who quits after a couple months.
We typically do this in the US as well since most states are "at-will" situations where one can be fired at any time for nearly any reason. Most new hires are on probation six months and subject to termination if they don't stack up. Still, interviews are critical for finding who might be a good match according to their ability to solve problems, work collaboratively, think on their feet, etc.
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https://www.bogleheads.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=398552
It's Bogleheads, so the OP won't be the only one who doesn't see it. He's wondering if his ten-year-old, 52,000 mile Nissan Sentra is on its last legs. It has no known issues mind you, but he's read on the internet that sometimes they break down.
I have two vehicles.
2015 CX9 Mazda - 63k miles used as family vehicle.
2014 Nissan Sentra - 52k miles used for day to day commute.
Wife works from home and uses the CX9 as required. Late this year /early next year DD would start driving so probably would need to buy another car.
Question is about the reliability of the Nissan car.There are lots of CVT failures reported.So far 9 years my car looks ok.Are there other Nissan Sentra owners who have used the Sentra beyond 60k miles and are ok?
Options I am with
1. keep Sentra buy used for DD and keep Sentra until it fails
2. Buy another for me. Give Sentra to DD . If sentra fails get. Another vehicle
3 sell Sentra now. Buy one vehicle now. Buy for DD later.
Not even given the dignity of a numbered choice is the obvious option I would choose:
try to keep to existing two cars, I drive CX9 for day to day, DD gets Sentra. When wife needs car we have to coordinate
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Man, if my cars don’t make it past 100K miles, I am pissed. That hasn’t happened to me yet. Does this person think cars can’t be repaired? Weird. Penny smart, pound foolish.
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My last car, a Mazda, went over 300,000 km. Regular maintenance will keep a car going for far longer than this poster has driven those cars.
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Except for rust and collisions and wear for rough rough roads - cars can last 250K miles when driven and maintained well.
Yes, there are some turkeys in the bunch. The Nissan CVT is unreliable. So is the Ford Powershift. And there are others.
I suppose the person wants to sell it before it begins to have problems to maximize their resale. Perhaps they are fishing for justification to buy another vehicle.
It might be cheaper to replace the transmission than replace the car when it acts up. Assuming they have a reliable independent repair shop to rely on and not the dealer.
Recently had a conversation with family. Is Mitsubishi reliable? How many miles on your existing car? 36K. Any troubles? No. Just had it a while.
The opportunity costs of changing cars so frequently! Could have benefited their grandkids by playing the "long game" instead of the car dealer.
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#1, not the poster but the guy who clearly doesn't get it.
https://www.askamanager.org/2024/03/should-you-flirt-at-working-events-coworker-spies-on-me-and-more.html
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#1, not the poster but the guy who clearly doesn't get it.
https://www.askamanager.org/2024/03/should-you-flirt-at-working-events-coworker-spies-on-me-and-more.html
Oh yes - this was absolutely horrifying this morning. This guy is NOT a friend would have been part of my answer.
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Honestly, I think the whole process of interviewing for a position (at least an engineering position) is badly flawed. I'd much rather (as both manager and worker) to have a quick chat that covers technical aspects and glaring communication issues and then a couple week paid trial period to see if something is going to work out. It's a nightmare from an HR perspective, but I bet it would help hire the right person for the job much more often.
This is exactly how Chinese labor contracts are written. You are interviewed and are offered a contract with a three-month probation period. At the end of the three months, you either have successfully completed probation or are let go, depending on your performance. Most people successfully complete probation. It’s no more work for HR than hiring someone who quits after a couple months.
We typically do this in the US as well since most states are "at-will" situations where one can be fired at any time for nearly any reason. Most new hires are on probation six months and subject to termination if they don't stack up. Still, interviews are critical for finding who might be a good match according to their ability to solve problems, work collaboratively, think on their feet, etc.
This is how every single software egineer at my company is hired. Every single one starts out on a 6 month probationary contract.
Every single one. No exceptions. I started out as a contractor, all of my coworkers started out as a contractor, my manager started out as a contractor.
People go through a few technical interviews, start out as contractors. Only about 25% of the contractors get hired on full time.
It works out pretty well and the full time staff are all nice, respectful, professional, and generally know what we're doing.
The contractors are sort of hit or miss though. They might know what they are doing. Might not. Might be professional and have good communication skills. Might not. Might not even be working at all. Who knows really.
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Askamanager continues to provide.
https://www.askamanager.org/2024/04/i-promoted-one-employee-instead-of-her-coworker-and-now-my-whole-team-is-upset.html
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Askamanager continues to provide.
https://www.askamanager.org/2024/04/i-promoted-one-employee-instead-of-her-coworker-and-now-my-whole-team-is-upset.html
I especially like the complaining about how the passed-up worker is no longer going "above and beyond!" She's no longer taking on additional work! She doesn't want to attend our (kinda but not really "optional") happy hours? Gee, I wonder why the F not? Think she's maybe looking for another job, genius?
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Every time I read AAM I make the mistake of reading the comments. >.<
Now I'm rolling my eyes at both the letter writer and the self-righteous fan fiction in the comments. Arrgh.
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Just came across this one from a hiring manager, surprisingly not on Ask a Manager (but it definitely would fit there)
"Candidate hid that she’s pregnant!!"
https://www.teamblind.com/post/Candidate-hid-that-shes-pregnant-4uUZY583
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Sigh. Thus why that law is necessary. Because it's not just the OP, it's a bunch of the commenters as well.
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I feel like the most depressing part of that is that the dude doubled down on his stance TWICE.
We are not that far removed from women being fired for being pregnant legally. It's truly ridiculous.
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I mean . . . I kinda get where he's coming from?
Having a new hire be unable to work a couple months after being hired (while also sucking up the budget so you can't get a replacement) is kind of a bitch. They're just starting to be productive at a couple months. I'm sure she'll be a great employee when she comes back, but it sounds like the need for the position was immediate. That's definitely going to be a headache for him. I'd be a little frustrated too in his place.
It does sound like he is optimistically overscheduled though. People leave, get pregnant, get sick. . . you need to plan for these eventualities in your budgets. If you don't, it will come back and bite you. If people are averaging 70 hrs a week working, you need WAY MORE PEOPLE . . . one wouldn't have saved that project.
Hopefully he won't simply take this as reason to stop hiring women to avoid the risk in the future.
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I mean . . . I kinda get where he's coming from?
Having a new hire be unable to work a couple months after being hired (while also sucking up the budget so you can't get a replacement) is kind of a bitch. They're just starting to be productive at a couple months. I'm sure she'll be a great employee when she comes back, but it sounds like the need for the position was immediate. That's definitely going to be a headache for him. I'd be a little frustrated too in his place.
It does sound like he is optimistically overscheduled though. People leave, get pregnant, get sick. . . you need to plan for these eventualities in your budgets. If you don't, it will come back and bite you. If people are averaging 70 hrs a week working, you need WAY MORE PEOPLE . . . one wouldn't have saved that project.
Hopefully he won't simply take this as reason to stop hiring women to avoid the risk in the future.
I can relate to this perspective. I think for most of us in this situation, it would at least fit under, dang, this is frustrating given the job, needs, and way it was presented to the candidate. I dare say that most of us would probably vent a little about it to our SO in this situation, for example.
The thing that made me lose any sympathy for the OP was the comment that HR said they couldn't fire her. I doubt many (if any) people on here would even consider firing her for it much less talk to HR about it despite their frustrations. That's where the OP lost credibility and made it fit into OP doesn't see it.
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I have to wonder how much overlap there is between guys like this and guys who complain about the birth rate/“demographics crisis”. 🙄
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I have to wonder how much overlap there is between guys like this and guys who complain about the birth rate/“demographics crisis”. 🙄
I am not willing to bet that it's a small percentage. But I have no idea.