My goal with this post is to share ups and downs about being a stepparent. Probably to vent most of the time, but also to hear the perspective of other people on the matter. I know I can be strict and kind of a control freak.
I’d love to hear about your experiences being a stepparent or a stepkid so that it opens up a bit my horizons.
I have lived with my boyfriend and his 10 year old daughter for 1.5 years now and it’s been very challenging for me (and I am sure for them as well). We have his daughter half the week and the other half is spent with her mom.
We have agreed that he is the boss as far as how he wants to raise his daughter and I support him, but I can give my opinion if I think something needs some improvement. We have also agreed that I can treat his daughter like I would treat my own kid. He gives me feedback if I do something he doesn’t agree with.
It seems that we have 2 different approaches toward his daughter: he wants her to be happy (even if it means letting her eat junk food all the time) and I want her to be healthy (even if it means doing things that she is not happy about). Watching the Swedish tv show “Bonus Family” on Netflix made me feel a lot better.
There are 3 main areas that create tensions: food, bed time and screen time.
1/ Food: When I met my boyfriend, he would not eat with his daughter. She was catered a sandwich (usually grilled cheese, PBJ, toast) and would eat by herself in front of TV, while my boyfriend would be on his phone eating something different in the kitchen. We now eat meals together at the kitchen table, with no tv and no phone, which is great progress, but I still have to push hard for us to eat the same food and stop feeding his daughter junk food while us adult eat a proper meal. It’s still a work in progress.
2/ Bed time: That part, I have given up for now. It frustrates me so much, that I usually go do something else. His daughter is supposed to go to bed at 8pm. But the long process can take up to 45mn. She drags her feet, and it takes her forever to brush her teeth and put on her pyjamas, and she gets mad when we tell her she needs to speed things up. Then she needs the light on in the hallway and she needs this and that. Anyway, it’s excruciating to witness the back and forth between the little girl that tries to push the limits and the dad that tries to please.
3/ Screen time: My boyfriend’s daughter is not allowed to watch tv during the week anymore. Which is fine by me. Therefore, on the weekend, she spends the whole weekend watching tv (here I don’t exaggerate, from the time she wakes up until the time she goes to bed), becoming a bored irritable zombie by Sunday evening. She makes me think of an addict: she gets very upset if she is going to miss a few minutes of tv time or she gets mad at you if you bother her while she watches tv. However computer time is allowed anytime and it creates the same behavior as with the tv. That one I need to discuss with my boyfriend.
A few strategies:
1/ Food:
a/ I talk to my boyfriend ahead of time about the meals. We agree on what we are going to eat so that he is prepared to say no to her if she requests something else. We also let her eat what she wants every so often. Let’s not forget that she gets to eat absolutely what she wants when she is at her mom’s, so her life is not that bad.
b/ I cut short all the negotiations. She argues all the time to get what she wants, but that’s not happening with food anymore. She eats what is in her plate and that’s it.
3/ Screen time:
a/ We have this rule now that she can’t get out of bed before 8am on the weekend. It’s good for her, because she now sleeps until 8am and it’s good for us because we get to sleep in.
b/ Every time we have her on the weekend, I look for free activities that we can do at the library or at one of the nearby parks. Even though I can not force her not to watch tv (because her dad is fine with it), I do force her to come with me and do some activities together. I don’t ask for her opinion. I tell her what we are going to do and we go. It cuts her day a little bit, she gets out of the house and she learns cool stuff. That also gives us bonding time.
c/ When I don’t work in the evening, I have shown her that I am available to play. This way she usually grabs me when I get home and we play together instead of her getting upset at some computer game. Again, that’s some great bonding time and it’s a great way to wind down before bed.
d/ Every Saturday night, we do pizza night with a movie. So that’s tv time spent together, which is better than tv on her own I guess. We pause the movie a lot to answer the little one’s questions and we keep each other warm on the couch.