My sister won't come in my house because of my dog...

[Simple Abundant Living]

I can't post this anywhere else online, because my sister would see it.  But I was wanting other's opinion about this situation.  My daughter is having a religious celebration which will include a ceremony at our church, and a luncheon at my house after for family and friends.  My sister texted me that she and her family will be at the church, but not at my house for lunch. 

Background info:  She has not stepped foot in my house since I got a dog two years ago and she looks incredibly uncomfortable if I hold her babies.  She claims they all are extremely allergic to animals and that they have gotten "sinus infections" when I brought my dog to my mother's house (the dog never came inside and stayed in her kennel in the garage or outside).  My dog is a 20-lb. schnoodle (mini-schnauzer/toy poodle mix) and is considered to be a allergy-friendly dog.  Our home is very clean and tidy and the dog would be kept in her kennel for the party.  Interestingly, my sister's house is a tornado of clutter and filth, and she and her kids are constantly sick or on antibiotics for every disease known to man.  Her problems with my dog make holidays difficult and make things awkward for my parents because me and my sister live in the same town (parents are two-hours away).

At the end of the day, I don't know why I am so bothered by this.  My sister and I are not very close, though we live 5 minutes away from each other.  My other sister and brother, while not pet-people, don't have any problems and have always supported me.  My parents are only uncomfortable because my sister gives them grief about it.  I have been to all of her children's religious events.  It's not that I want her there, but I'm annoyed that once she finds out that the luncheon will be at my home instead of the church, her family will not attend.  I wanted to send her this study:
http://news.health.com/2011/06/13/early-exposure-to-pets-wont-up-kids-allergy-risk-study/
that shows that early exposure to pets actually may protect kids from later allergies (part of the hygiene hypothesis that MMM has put forth.)  Or maybe I should just forget it and be grateful I have 7 less people to cook for?

[Frankies Girl]

I'm going to go out on a limb and say it bothers you because you feel like your sister is judging you. And it makes it seem she is calling your home dirty or polluted. And since you don't have a close relationship, that just makes any little slight that much bigger and hurtful and much more difficult to talk through to a happy resolution.

Don't send her the link. She may have allergies in her family and she may not. It is unfortunate that she is this way, but that sort of armchair diagnosis type of thing is basically telling her that you think she's a liar or drama queen (which she might just be) and only would cause more drama. Because no matter how valid that study may be (and I do agree that kids should be exposed to dirt and animals and the outdoors) she will not take it well. She sounds kinda loopy if she's a germaphobe with a filthy house and freaking out about people holding her kids.

I'd definitely say you should look on the bright side and be grateful you have less people to deal with.  ;)

[Shor]

I feel for your situation, though I can't really relate to it. I have allergy attacks when I visit my family for holidays, but I embrace it as part of the visit, like hearing my parents try to convince me to "Enjoy life more": it's all part of putting up with family.

I would suggest you not try to provoke the situation further, but don't stop generously offering your household, even if you know it will get turned down. That's the burden of family after all, you must keep forgiving their ignorance and oddities no matter how much your own opinion may differ!

At the very least, tell your sister afterwards what a great time everyone had at the after-party. Let it go and party on!

[Simple Abundant Living]

I'm going to go out on a limb and say it bothers you because you feel like your sister is judging you. And it makes it seem she is calling your home dirty or polluted. And since you don't have a close relationship, that just makes any little slight that much bigger and hurtful and much more difficult to talk through to a happy resolution.

Don't send her the link. She may have allergies in her family and she may not. It is unfortunate that she is this way, but that sort of armchair diagnosis type of thing is basically telling her that you think she's a liar or drama queen (which she might just be) and only would cause more drama. Because no matter how valid that study may be (and I do agree that kids should be exposed to dirt and animals and the outdoors) she will not take it well. She sounds kinda loopy if she's a germaphobe with a filthy house and freaking out about people holding her kids.

I'd definitely say you should look on the bright side and be grateful you have less people to deal with.  ;)

I don't care about her judgement.  I could care less about what crazy people think- and they are legitimately crazy.  What hurts is that my parents and any family functions are made awkward about this.  For example, we couldn't go to my mom's house for Thanksgiving this year, so we invited the whole family to come to our house.  My husband is a fantastic cook and our house has comfortable guest accommodations.  They decided they couldn't come and the dog was the reason.  My sister wouldn't come eat at my house and my mom didn't want her to feel excluded.  Situations like this keep popping up, preventing me from scabbing over the wound.

But I agree with you that I need to be grateful she won't be there and move on. 

[Simple Abundant Living]

I feel for your situation, though I can't really relate to it. I have allergy attacks when I visit my family for holidays, but I embrace it as part of the visit, like hearing my parents try to convince me to "Enjoy life more": it's all part of putting up with family.

I would suggest you not try to provoke the situation further, but don't stop generously offering your household, even if you know it will get turned down. That's the burden of family after all, you must keep forgiving their ignorance and oddities no matter how much your own opinion may differ!

At the very least, tell your sister afterwards what a great time everyone had at the after-party. Let it go and party on!

I appreciate your comment.  I don't doubt that your allergies are real and annoying, and I think it's great you don't let that stand in the way of time with your family.  What I doubt is that one hour in my home would make her any less healthy than she already would be.  Then again, I'm sure she would come down with double pneumonia just from the thought of it.

[Frankies Girl]

I'm going to go out on a limb and say it bothers you because you feel like your sister is judging you. And it makes it seem she is calling your home dirty or polluted. And since you don't have a close relationship, that just makes any little slight that much bigger and hurtful and much more difficult to talk through to a happy resolution.

Don't send her the link. She may have allergies in her family and she may not. It is unfortunate that she is this way, but that sort of armchair diagnosis type of thing is basically telling her that you think she's a liar or drama queen (which she might just be) and only would cause more drama. Because no matter how valid that study may be (and I do agree that kids should be exposed to dirt and animals and the outdoors) she will not take it well. She sounds kinda loopy if she's a germaphobe with a filthy house and freaking out about people holding her kids.

I'd definitely say you should look on the bright side and be grateful you have less people to deal with.  ;)

I don't care about her judgement.  I could care less about what crazy people think- and they are legitimately crazy.  What hurts is that my parents and any family functions are made awkward about this.  For example, we couldn't go to my mom's house for Thanksgiving this year, so we invited the whole family to come to our house.  My husband is a fantastic cook and our house has comfortable guest accommodations.  They decided they couldn't come and the dog was the reason.  My sister wouldn't come eat at my house and my mom didn't want her to feel excluded.  Situations like this keep popping up, preventing me from scabbing over the wound.

But I agree with you that I need to be grateful she won't be there and move on.

Oh, then you're dealing with parents that are putting your sister's wants/needs/crazy before your family as a whole. That sucks. It's your parents choosing to let her hangups dictate the whole family dynamics. Not fair, but other than having a nice talk with the parents and them seeing the light as it were, I agree with Shorlan... just keep putting it out there, and have as much fun as you can. I have weird family dynamics as well, so I can sympathize!

[Simple Abundant Living]

Oh, then you're dealing with parents that are putting your sister's wants/needs/crazy before your family as a whole. That sucks. It's your parents choosing to let her hangups dictate the whole family dynamics. Not fair, but other than having a nice talk with the parents and them seeing the light as it were, I agree with Shorlan... just keep putting it out there, and have as much fun as you can. I have weird family dynamics as well, so I can sympathize!

Yep, exactly.  I just got off the phone with my mom and told her how I feel and emailed her that study.  It won't change anything, because my mom is the kind of person that believes the people she loves, even if it stands against reason.  Thanks for the sympathy, though!

[MandyM]

I just wanted to say "good luck." My only advice is that you should always carry on as usual. If things are awkward, its because your sister makes them that way. You have been welcoming to her and she turns down your invitations and that is about all you can do. I just hope that your parents can make appropriate choices about attending events anyway. I don't think a person has the right to "feel excluded" when they are the ones excluding themselves.

[aj_yooper]

I am quite allergic to some cats.  If I am with people who have cats (only certain kinds), I have a milder experience of allergy-like sniffling, congestion, and breathing congestion.  If I am in the home of people with certain cats, I have had more serious reactions, like all of the previous plus face swelling sufficient to affect my vision and more difficulty in breathing.  And, this is in the home of a family member (in-laws) who are extremely scrupulous about cleaning.  My doctor says it is the dander, which adheres to clothing and furniture and carpets, if you have a cat.  The dander goes everywhere.

If this is similar to your sister or her family, I would choose a neutral site for a family get together.  In our family, we choose a cat free zone and I am grateful.  For me, it is very real and I appreciate the thoughtfulness of my in-laws. 

[impaire]

Without knowing your sister, I can't say much about the reality of the allergies... But at least in this case, she is making a gesture of goodwill by attending the religious ceremony with her family. Try to focus on this and on having fewer people to cook for... and on what the day really means to your family spiritually!

It seems that you guys have difficult relations, and it is not totally impossible that from your sister's point of view, your offering your house for family functions when she has indicated that she will not set foot in it is inconsiderate. I am not saying that she is right, but that could be her perception. In this situation, if you are looking for healing, you may have to break the pattern and do things that you don't "need" to do, just to show goodwill. For instance if you're making nice desserts for the party, you could pack a few portions for her family and give them to her at the church. That would probably surprise her, and help her understand that you had wanted her to be a part of this special day for you. Don't do anything like that if you're still annoyed at her (it's sure to feel passive-aggressive in that case), but when you are feeling generous, why not?

[Simple Abundant Living]

Without knowing your sister, I can't say much about the reality of the allergies... But at least in this case, she is making a gesture of goodwill by attending the religious ceremony with her family. Try to focus on this and on having fewer people to cook for... and on what the day really means to your family spiritually!

It seems that you guys have difficult relations, and it is not totally impossible that from your sister's point of view, your offering your house for family functions when she has indicated that she will not set foot in it is inconsiderate. I am not saying that she is right, but that could be her perception. In this situation, if you are looking for healing, you may have to break the pattern and do things that you don't "need" to do, just to show goodwill. For instance if you're making nice desserts for the party, you could pack a few portions for her family and give them to her at the church. That would probably surprise her, and help her understand that you had wanted her to be a part of this special day for you. Don't do anything like that if you're still annoyed at her (it's sure to feel passive-aggressive in that case), but when you are feeling generous, why not?

I appreciate your point of view and maybe someday, I'll get there.  The reason she supports the religious event, is because it gets her in my parent's good graces, and she married a bit of a zealot.  As to the severity of her allergies, who knows?  We grew up together and played with every feral kitten on the farm and every litter of puppies whenever we could.  She was never sick then.  No one else in my family of six has pet allergies.  She claims to get "sinus infections" from exposure to dogs and cats.  I have a background in science and medicine, and know that you do not wake up the next day with a sinus infection from a dog.  She married into a hypochondriac family, where you get more points the sicker you are and suddenly she has allergies.  Her kids are constantly sick.  Her husband has diseases that can't be treated with common antibiotics.  In short, no, I don't believe her allergies are debilitating. 

As far as inviting her to family get togethers at my home, there's no way around that.  When we have a religious celebration or graduation or whatever, we have my family and my husband's family to invite.  I have a comfortable home with plenty of room for all, so why would I reserve a hall or the church for such gatherings.  We love to eat, talk, and let the kids play around.  That couldn't happen elsewhere.  My mother doesn't live in the same town.  My brother lives 15 minutes away, but I would never ask him, especially as he is now receiving chemo for leukemia. 

My question to those with allergies (runny nose, itchy eyes kind- not swollen face, not breathing kind):

What would be the harm in coming into my home for 45mins-1hr?  I would keep the dog away, she is a non-shedding dog, and my home is very clean.  What terrible thing could happen.

[HappierAtHome]

My question to those with allergies (runny nose, itchy eyes kind- not swollen face, not breathing kind):

What would be the harm in coming into my home for 45mins-1hr?  I would keep the dog away, she is a non-shedding dog, and my home is very clean.  What terrible thing could happen.

Well, I'm allergic in the runny nose, itchy eyes kind of way to *some* cats (why not others? who freaking knows!) and I can tell you that my symptoms last for a good 24 hours after visiting the home of somebody with the right kind of cat. My brother recently acquired a cat and I was worried that I would be allergic to his - I'm not, thankfully. But friends who have very clean houses and the wrong kinds of cats, I can't spend even a little bit of time at their houses without paying for it later.

So to be honest, yeah, I'd gracefully bow out of a family event if I was going to feel like I had a bad cold for 24 hours afterwards. Otherwise it's 24 hours of being completely useless (not able to go to work, or even just cook / clean the house) just to spend an hour or two at someone's house. Not worth it. But then, my family wouldn't be offended by that, because they'd know that it wasn't personal and was just an unfortunate allergy. Heck, when my brother had already acquired his cat and then found out that I was allergic, he was super apologetic about potentially having accidentally turned his house into somewhere that I wouldn't be comfortable. Also: we had cats as children and I was never allergic as a child. It developed as an adult. These things do happen. Maybe your sister uses 'sinus infections' as a catch all term for runny nose etc?

I'd pose the question the other way: is coming to your house so central to your relationship that you really think your sister ought to come over even if she's suffering with bad allergies for hours or even days afterwards? Surely in the interests of family peace it's better just to meet on neutral territory when you can, and accept that she won't attend events at your house when invited.

[Jamesqf]

You know, life becomes a lot less complicated once you realize that, as an adult, you do not actually have to associate with crazy (or dishonest, sadistic, etc.) people simply because you happen to share some genes. 

I suggest that you let your sister know that it's your house, things there are going to be the way you say, and if she can accept that, she's welcome.  If not, not.

[Simple Abundant Living]

I'd pose the question the other way: is coming to your house so central to your relationship that you really think your sister ought to come over even if she's suffering with bad allergies for hours or even days afterwards? Surely in the interests of family peace it's better just to meet on neutral territory when you can, and accept that she won't attend events at your house when invited.

In the most truthful part of my heart I can say that I really don't want her there.  She's my sister and I would give her my kidney.  But I wouldn't choose to spend a lot time with her, if that makes sense.  She lacks honesty and is incredibly flaky.  I just don't chose to spend a lot of time around people like that. 

And there is no neutral territory.  I have another child that is graduating high school this year.  Someday, I could have a wedding reception here.  It will happen all over again.  The problem is, it makes my mom upset that we can't all be together.  I don't get guilt or blame from my mom directly, but I have heard the term "I would choose family over pets", when I say I can't stay over at my mom's house because I can't bring my dog (even into the garage).  To my children, and definitely one child in particular, this dog is family.  I'm not a big pet person, but I love the dog for how much joy she brings my kids.  What's funny is that both of my parents had dogs growing up.  And one of my mom's favorite stories is how everyone said about her "Love Joanie, love her dog".

And personally, I would have a 24hr headache, sinus ache, fever, sore throat, and diarrhea for any one of my family's important life events. 

[Simple Abundant Living]

You know, life becomes a lot less complicated once you realize that, as an adult, you do not actually have to associate with crazy (or dishonest, sadistic, etc.) people simply because you happen to share some genes. 

I suggest that you let your sister know that it's your house, things there are going to be the way you say, and if she can accept that, she's welcome.  If not, not.

Too true.  While my parents are living (and we are living in the same state), this will be hard to avoid.  We used to live 1600 miles away, and it made things a lot more simple...

[Simple Abundant Living]

Extra information:

My sister has two snakes and the mice to feed them in her garage, but she won't come to my mom's house if my dog is in the garage.

I have also invited her to s'mores and hotdog cookouts, where her family wouldn't have to step inside my house.  Also declined.

[HappierAtHome]

In the most truthful part of my heart I can say that I really don't want her there.  She's my sister and I would give her my kidney.  But I wouldn't choose to spend a lot time with her, if that makes sense.  She lacks honesty and is incredibly flaky.  I just don't chose to spend a lot of time around people like that. 

Then she's solved your problem for you... You'd rather not have her as a big part of your life, and she's excusing herself from being a guest in your house. This means that you don't have to put up with her flakiness etc, but she still puts in an appearance at the church for the official part of the event. Awesome! Best of both worlds.

[Hamster]

 
My question to those with allergies (runny nose, itchy eyes kind- not swollen face, not breathing kind):

What would be the harm in coming into my home for 45mins-1hr?  I would keep the dog away, she is a non-shedding dog, and my home is very clean.  What terrible thing could happen.

I may be stretching beyond the parameters you set in that first sentence, and I think that allergies are only a tiny fraction of what is wrong here, and...

I can't comment on whether your niece's allergies are real, imagined, or a case of Munchausen by proxy.

That said, the harm in spending 45 minutes in your house is completely person-dependent. My daughter has gotten swollen eyes and wheezing after 30 minutes on my brother's couch (4 cats and one small dog in the house, but clean people). She can't visit them, but she's fine giving them hugs (the people, not the pets) when they visit. I have taken care of a patient who was hospitalized and nearly died from anaphylaxis after simply walking past a freshly mown lawn. But, she was essentially a case-study in the worst imaginable allergies.

Early exposure to animals may decrease allergy risk, but once you have allergies, repeated exposure can potentiate more severe reactions each time. On the other hand, controlled micro exposures (e.g. Allergy shots and controlled micro-exposures to peanut proteins) can induce tolerance. That should only be done with an allergist available and epinephrine on hand, though, since it may also cause severe reactions, and it is hard to predict.

Allergies are a very mixed bag, and even allergists don't really understand the why's of things.

One final note is that there is no such thing as a hypoallergenic dog or cat. The amount and type of allergens vary, but for any dog there is someone who will react to it.

[edit: grammar and added hyperlink]

[HappierAtHome]

One final note is that there is no such thing as a hypoallergenic dog or cat. The amount and type of allergens vary, but for any dog there is someone who will react to it.

Oh yeah. Forgot to comment on that. My MIL is seriously allergic to dogs. We did some research into the breeds that shed less. Basically, any dog would still be an issue for her. Some people will react less to some breeds, but hypoallergenic dogs are effectively a myth.

Given that we're hoping MIL will be Chief Babysitter when we have kids, it was easy for us to decide to put off getting a dog more or less indefinitely. Would be a lot more difficult if we already had the dog and then discovered the allergy.

[gooki]

My 2 cents. Keep doing what your doing, with the exception of family events at your parents house. In those situations I wouldn't take the dog along.

Yes your dog is part of your family, but it's good for every family member to have a break from each other, even your dog. Do you have friends or neighbours that would look after your dog for short periods of time? If not can you afford to pay to for a boarding kennel?

Final thoughts, yes your sister is being a douche, but just make sure you aren't using your dog as a crotch to avoid time with family.

[Self-employed-swami]

I can't speak to the allergy concerns with your sister and her family (if they are real or not) but it sounds a little like it *might*be a convenient excuse for her, to avoid spending too much time with the rest of the family.

I also agree that you should leave the dog at home, when you visit your Mom's place.  Could one of them actually have a completely debilitating fear of dogs, and the allergy reason is easier for her to use (less explaining/potential judgement).

Anyway, if this sister is someone you want to have a better relationship with (and it is alright if you decide you don't want a better relationship with her, and conversely for her to make the same decision), could you find a time to meet her, alone just the two of you, on neutral ground, to talk about what might really be going on?  Maybe a quiet coffee shop, or a park bench (or maybe somewhere more secluded if you might want be apt to ugly cry, like I am).  It is so important, IMHO, to work on the relationships that we do value, so they grow stronger, and we have them for support when times require it.

[stripey]

One final note is that there is no such thing as a hypoallergenic dog or cat. The amount and type of allergens vary, but for any dog there is someone who will react to it.

Given that we're hoping MIL will be Chief Babysitter when we have kids, it was easy for us to decide to put off getting a dog more or less indefinitely. Would be a lot more difficult if we already had the dog and then discovered the allergy.

One option for you may be to look at getting a re-homed dog. They will often allow (and sometimes insist!) on a trial period, where you could cautiously test if your MIL has a reaction (if she would be up to it).

(I'm not allergic to dogs, but I do have reactions to some cats and some rabbits, which is a bit of a bother for me. The intradermal tests also showed me up as having reactions to horse dander, which is something I've never noticed clinical signs for and I have owned horses in the past. I am lucky that I can get on with life without it being too much of a hassle though)

[aj_yooper]

My question to those with allergies (runny nose, itchy eyes kind- not swollen face, not breathing kind):

What would be the harm in coming into my home for 45mins-1hr?  I would keep the dog away, she is a non-shedding dog, and my home is very clean.  What terrible thing could happen.

My allergies have changed over time.  I used to have asthmatic reactions to Christmas trees and severe skin hives from grape juice, but not now.  With my cat allergy (a 4 on a scale of 5, with a 5 being very unusual), I am afraid that I will have a very severe reaction so I stay out of Dodge whenever I can and my friends and family help out as best they can.  I did everything as a  kid and my parents were spotless housecleaners.  It's a micro thing, not a mess thing for me.  When my eye swelled and closed, my wife drove us home and it took a shower, medication, and about a day to be back to normal.  The allergic reaction did not stop when I was out of the house.  I do have a fear that next time ...

[ace1224]

i'm really allergic to cats but not dogs. even being in my best friends house (with three cats) for five minutes makes me sneeze and my eyes water and my nose get swollen and congested.  which then lasts until the next day.  totally sucks.  i can't even borrow her really cute clothes.
so when we hang out its at my house or somewhere else.  that being said, if its really important i pop a zyrtec and suck it up.  at things being held at her house that i know are important to her i rally and suffer through.  i personally feel that a religious ceremony is something important.
but i don't know your sister or if her allergies are real, but it sounds like she's being a bit douchey.  i agree with the poster that said don't bring your dog to your moms though.   plus like you said win for you since you don't really want her there anyways. 

[Simple Abundant Living]

My 2 cents. Keep doing what your doing, with the exception of family events at your parents house. In those situations I wouldn't take the dog along.

Yes your dog is part of your family, but it's good for every family member to have a break from each other, even your dog. Do you have friends or neighbours that would look after your dog for short periods of time? If not can you afford to pay to for a boarding kennel?

Final thoughts, yes your sister is being a douche, but just make sure you aren't using your dog as a crotch to avoid time with family.

I agree about leaving the dog.  I have a great neighbor who has watched her on several occasions.  The problem is that my daughter who is away at college is the one who's most attached to the dog (and vise versa).  When she comes home for a school break, she wants to spend her limited time with her family (us) and her dog.  When my mom want's us to come up for a few days and it kills my daughter to miss some time with her dog.  We have her do it for a night or two, but then we leave.  If my sister isn't there, we can bring the dog and keep her in the garage.  There have been times when we have planned to stay without the dog and my sister has flaked and not come after all. 

Yes, all the other three siblings will agree that my sister is a douche.  I hope the situation will work itself out in a year or two.  When my daughter graduates and gets her own place, she'll take the dog with her.  It will be hard on the other kids, but as much as I like her, we have plans to travel that would be a lot easier without a dog. 

[Simple Abundant Living]

Thanks for all the responses.  I especially got a kick about the reference to Munchausens by proxy.  Because that has been a private joke between the rest of us siblings for years!  I understand that allergies change and evolve, but she married into a family that all carry epi-pens for strawberries or sea-food, and suddenly she has allergies.

As far as the hypoallergenic dog, yes I am aware that there's no such thing.  All dogs have dander.  The no shedding may mean that there is less surface for the dander coming in contact with people?  Anyway, I know this breed is supposed to be a better one for people with allergies. 

It's been great to hear the perspective of the allergy sufferer.  I need to be more Christian and keep that in mind.  I have a latex allergy from working in healthcare, but it is mild and something I don't need to change much to deal with.  I realize some people have severe and even fatal allergies.  I just doubt my sister is in that category.

[153]

I think you've been given a lot of helpful advice, and just want to add a few things that are more about how to think about the conflict, rather than how to deal with it:

+1 to the "allergies as a cover for don't like dogs". I'm not saying this is the experience here, given what we've been told about your sister/her in-laws, but my personal experience has been, nearly universally, that saying I'm allergic is substantially easier than saying I don't like dogs. People will accept allergies with little question, but just saying no thanks I am afraid of dogs gets met with arguments about how fluffy is cute/harmless/I'll fall in love if I pet it. I've talked to other people who don't care for dogs, and they concur that it's often simpler (i.e. less drama) to explain it away as allergies. People seem to really take it personally otherwise.

I get the sense that you are hurt that your mother is choosing your sister/her preferences over you/your preferences (and those of your family). It's possible that your mother sees this as you picking the wishes of your daughter (to spend time with the dog) over your mother's wish for the entire family to spend time together, and is similarly hurt. It's possible your sister has had influence over your mother feeling that way. I wouldn't blame you for saying "I feel I have a stronger commitment to meet the needs of my daughter than those of my mother/sister;" I'm just putting it out there as a possibility for evaluating the situation.

If I didn't want to go into someone's house for some reason (off the top of my head: mold problem, hoarding), and they invited me over for a backyard BBQ, I'd probably decline. The thought of being in the backyard and feeling like going inside wasn't an option (whatever the reason) doesn't appeal to me. What if I had to pee? Having to sit in my car for 20 minutes while the rain shower passes doesn't say hospitality to me either.

Finally, because you've mention your religion, I wanted to suggest keeping the serenity prayer in mind. Even for the not religious, understanding that you can't change other people is so helpful in dealing with them!