Author Topic: More relationship frustration  (Read 8285 times)

lexde

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #150 on: November 05, 2018, 08:10:08 AM »
@deek — How would you have rather she broke up with you?

Coming from the other side of this, I’ve been dating someone for a few months now and we haven’t fought, he’s a genuinely great guy, but I’m not sure it’s “forever.” I’ve been going back and forth about ending things, but I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do yet or if I should give it a little more time.

Granted, I wouldn’t do a fun activity/go on a date and then break up, but sometimes it’s just not forever, and that’s okay. Doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with either of you.

I wouldn’t contact her, sounds like she tried to end things amicably and did so to the best of her ability. Just because it wasn’t slammed doesn’t mean the door isn’t closed. Sorry it blindsided you.

Dicey

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #151 on: November 05, 2018, 08:24:20 AM »
I've commented a couple of times on this thread, but what I really want to say is going to turn into a wall o'text. Feel free to skip to the bottom for the tl;dr version.

When I was in my late teens, I decided I wasn't going to marry before I was at least 25. I was pretty sure I didn't want to have kids. At age 22, I had a rare form of cancer. It was a huge awakening. I learned what matters most is the kind of life you build with your family, the quality of friendships you create, and your connection to the wider community, not the fancy shit you can buy. My life goals changed radically. I wanted to marry and have four (!) kids. To that end, I dated my brains out. I even shifted careers because mine involved too much travel, which made dating difficult. I decided to sell Men's Clothing at Nordstrom in my major city. Except that the work was hard and the pay low (but good for retail), it worked like crazy. I met new and interesting people every day. I also joined a church and took up golf, among other things. I was determined to meet my mate so I could fulfil my dreams and what I believed was my destiny.

Years passed. I had a number of good-to-great relationships. I even had a ring, a date and a dress once. I yearned to start a family. Alas, I never got to the altar. Sometimes it was my choice to end the relationship, sometimes I got dumped. Okay, more than sometimes. Probably 50/50. I was actually pretty selective in who I dated, weeding out those who weren't serious or were obvious mis-matches, so many of my relationships seemed to have lots of potential.

Every one of the relationships that I ended was for a variation of the same reason: I always knew how I wanted to feel before I got married. Once I got to a point in dating someone when I knew I wasn't getting the "feel", I was done. Simple, complete, kaput, over. I trusted my gut completely, but I know I broke some damn good hearts along the way. I got the shit kicked out of mine plenty of times, too.

Every time I got dumped, I felt the same way you did, always wondering why, and what was wrong with me. What could I have said or done differently to make things work? It took me for-fucking ever to realize they probably wanted to feel a certain way too. For whatever reason, they just weren't feeling it. And that had to be a good enough answer for me. Until that realization, I wasted So.Much.Time. Days, weeks, months and in two cases, years looking backwards, wishing for what might have been, wondering what I could have done differently, longing for a shot at redemption*. I'm sorry to say it took me a hideous number of years to figure out what a futile mind-fuck that was.

My dreams of having children slipped away, my chances of ever getting married seemed non-existent. I just kept on living my best life. I got a better paying job, I traveled more, volunteered in my community, bought and sold a couple of houses, and worked toward FIRE. In general, I just tried to build and live the best life possible. It worked. I was happy and  my friends, especially the married ones, often commented that they wanted to have my life.

Fast forward: a long-ago acquaintance and I crossed paths when I was 54. He was a recent widower. Yup, lightning struck and we got married. OMG, so many flying pigs and hell freezing over jokes from friends, family and colleagues!. We've been married for six years and the wait was worth every fucking minute. Finally, finally, I do not regret a single relationship that happened along the way, because I learned from each one, and where I ended up was so amazing. Worth all the angst.

Tl;dr: The right person is out there for you. They just might be busy right now. Let this one go. In the end, you will not regret it.

*That's not a Hamilton reference, it's the great, great Paul Simon, on the amazing "Graceland".

P.S. I quite agree with lexde's cross post.


lexde

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #152 on: November 05, 2018, 08:27:19 AM »
@Dicey — solid advice as always. I’m glad you got your happily ever after. :-)

GuitarStv

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #153 on: November 05, 2018, 08:53:17 AM »
A relationship is work.  It requires two people to put a lot of effort in, all the time.  If one person wants out the relationship is irrevocably doomed to failure no matter what the other person does.  At best, a one sided relationship will drag things on for a while as the two people in it grow to hate one another more and more before the inevitable collapse.  Is that really what you're hoping for?

Have enough respect for your partner and yourself to avoid that and bow out gracefully.

deek

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #154 on: November 05, 2018, 05:24:14 PM »
Iím not contacting. I think what makes this suck so much is all the good memories that I associate with this person who happens to have had my heart more than any other woman ever has (and itís not even close). Itís funny how your brain just doesnít even let you reason with yourself when you try to tell yourself you just need time.

Iím just going to try to make it through this shitty season with help from the gym, Hulu and my friends. I hope thatís enough.

lexde

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #155 on: November 05, 2018, 05:30:47 PM »
Iím not contacting. I think what makes this suck so much is all the good memories that I associate with this person who happens to have had my heart more than any other woman ever has (and itís not even close). Itís funny how your brain just doesnít even let you reason with yourself when you try to tell yourself you just need time.

Iím just going to try to make it through this shitty season with help from the gym, Hulu and my friends. I hope thatís enough.

It will be. It was only 5 months. I know it's hard to get out of your own head right now, but you aren't the first person to go through a breakup, and you certainly won't be the last. You aren't out of time, and there are plenty of opportunities out there. Take some time, heal up, and put yourself back out there when you're ready.

partgypsy

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #156 on: November 06, 2018, 08:09:59 AM »
Think about it this way. I was in a relationship with someone for 25 years (married for 20, two kids). A huge part of my life. And there are many things about the unraveling of our once very loving relationship, I will never understand. I will never understand it. It's frustrating but it is something I just need to reach peace about.  So maybe, consider yourself lucky?
« Last Edit: November 06, 2018, 08:32:36 AM by partgypsy »

deek

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #157 on: November 06, 2018, 08:34:02 AM »
Think about it this way. I was in a relationship with someone for 25 years (married for 20, two kids). A huge part of my life. And there are many things about the unraveling of our once very loving relationship, I will never understand. I will never understand it. It's frustrating but it is something I just need to reach peace about.  So maybe, consider yourself lucky how it ended?

I'm in no way discounting what other people have been through. Just trying to maneuver through something that is unfamiliar territory for me.

My mom and dad have had a few rough patches and have been able to stick it out and have been together 30 years. I can't even imagine. I think that's why I have a tendency to do anything I can not to rush things or try to plan my life out.

katscratch

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #158 on: November 06, 2018, 09:08:40 AM »
I don't think it's unhealthy to still be feeling the way you do. And I don't think it's a bad thing to keep talking about it here. Sometimes things happen that need to really spin in our heads for a while until our emotions settle down and we find ways to be happy from within ourselves again.

I do think it's wise to continue taking no action, while you work through this time of letting go and into time of healing. Acting on those impulses would be unhealthy for both you and your ex.

Like others have said, some relationships affect us way more than others, no matter the length. You'll get through this, and the skills you learn this time will help you in the future, even if you end up with the next person forever. Navigating loss in a way that allows you to manage your own emotions and not make someone else manage them for you is a crucial skill to healthy, successful relationships of all types.

maizeman

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #159 on: November 06, 2018, 09:25:21 AM »
And to give you credit, deek, you seem to be doing exactly what most of the folks in this thread would recommend (continuing to take no actions, to quote katscratch). It's perfectly natural to WANT to take action at this stage. The key is to be able to talk yourself down, which you have been doing successfully (and which lots of folks fail at, which gives rise to some of the more wince-inducing stories other posters have shared).

deek

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #160 on: November 06, 2018, 09:42:57 AM »
And to give you credit, deek, you seem to be doing exactly what most of the folks in this thread would recommend (continuing to take no actions, to quote katscratch). It's perfectly natural to WANT to take action at this stage. The key is to be able to talk yourself down, which you have been doing successfully (and which lots of folks fail at, which gives rise to some of the more wince-inducing stories other posters have shared).

Thanks for hearing me out. The only things I've done is gotten rid of our photos from Facebook/unfollowed on a couple other social apps. I just don't want to be reminded of it. I hate that we have to worry about those things nowadays, social media is stupid for the most part. But it's more natural just to not see anything they are doing anyway...

katscratch

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #161 on: November 06, 2018, 10:30:50 AM »
oh gosh, I always need a period of time of completely blocking the other person, and often avoiding social media entirely for a while (because of mutual friends). For me it's too hard for feelings to fade if I'm seeing them pop up here and there, even in "good" mutual breakups. I have to take a complete break to truly get past the romantic feelings. When I've taken a break and truly moved on, I've found that I can later have good friendships with former dating partners and truly feel happy for them regardless of where I'm at.

None of that feels good or even possible in the first few weeks, though.

And, yes, what maizeman said :)

YoungGranny

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #162 on: November 06, 2018, 10:47:54 AM »
I just want to tell you I understand. I got dumped after a few months one time when our relationship was still in the 'honeymoon' phase. Everything felt perfect, we got along well, we had SO MUCH FUN together. He broke up with me and told me I was the best thing at the worst time. Long story short he wasn't ready for a relationship yet. He then started dating somebody else literally the next week. I was devastated, I felt like I should wait for him. His MOM was texting me saying she missed me and hoped we got back together, she even bought me a Christmas present that year. I cried all the time, I lost my appetite, luckily I had 2 great roommates who made me laugh but it was a tough, tough few months. I held onto the hope that we'd get back together which was worsened by his family wanting that for us too (serious mind fuck of a few months). Finally, I'm not sure when exactly but I started getting over him. I stopped waiting for his daily text and started focusing on other friends, interests, and hobbies. He didn't consume my thoughts and my jealousy of girl#2 passed. We even were able to chat here and there again as friends. I started dating again and eventually ended up with my now husband. I'm still friendly with my ex, we ran into each other a few years ago and grabbed coffee. I also realized how little we had in common because we both grew so much in the time we spent apart. He actually apologized for how he handled everything and admitted he was immature at the time but at that point I realized I genuinely did not miss being with him. I realized although it was hard to go through; that relationship would've taken my life in a different direction had we stayed together. I'm really happy with where my life is now and I'm insanely happy with the husband I have now. My husband and I are compatible on a different level than literally anyone else I've ever been with. It really is true what they say, sometimes things end for a reason and there's a better future ahead.

It'll still hurt for a while, and someday you can probably be friends with her again. But you both need time and you both need to move on. So start writing in a journal, get your feelings out, but keep it personal. Over time it'll get easier and once you actually get out the other side of grieving what could have been you'll be able to make a real decision, not one clouded by wanting someone you can't have.

deek

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #163 on: November 11, 2018, 07:54:40 PM »
One thing I'm struggling with currently is having these strong feelings of motivation as far as my health, fitness goals, work, etc. Then not much longer and it just all crashes, then come the thoughts again. It's so frustrating. One minute I feel amazing then anxiety again.

EricL

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #164 on: November 11, 2018, 10:00:15 PM »
Your brain is trying to run away with you again.  It has a narrative it replays and replays and replays and that narrative stokes up all the feelings associated with it.  Try imagining the thoughts as a radio broadcast going through your head.  Then visualize turning the volume down to one.  Not all the way down.  But let it become "my ex bzz bzz bzz..."  Rinse; repeat as necessary.

lexde

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #165 on: November 14, 2018, 10:07:13 AM »
Write down a list of all of the reasons that you were not compatible long-term. Anything. She chewed with her mouth open. She said something weird one time. Whatever.

Every time your brain puts her on a pedestal, refer to the list.

She wasn’t perfect, you guys would have fought if you stayed together longer, and if she didn’t want to marry you then that’s reason enough that you guys weren’t right for each other. I know you were caught off guard, but you guys just weren’t a match, plain and simple. And that’s harder sometimes than a long relationship where you’ve seen the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Go out with friends, walk a dog, get some fresh air, and keep busy. And when you start putting her back on the pedestal, refer to the list.

Crease

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #166 on: November 14, 2018, 11:23:58 AM »
Write down a list of all of the reasons that you were not compatible long-term. Anything. She chewed with her mouth open. She said something weird one time. Whatever.

Every time your brain puts her on a pedestal, refer to the list.

She wasn’t perfect, you guys would have fought if you stayed together longer, and if she didn’t want to marry you then that’s reason enough that you guys weren’t right for each other. I know you were caught off guard, but you guys just weren’t a match, plain and simple. And that’s harder sometimes than a long relationship where you’ve seen the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Go out with friends, walk a dog, get some fresh air, and keep busy. And when you start putting her back on the pedestal, refer to the list.

This is good advice.

I also endorse the "It's a shame she got hit by a bus" approach. Whenever you think about her, say to yourself "She was nice so it's a shame she got hit by that bus."
« Last Edit: November 14, 2018, 11:29:48 AM by Crease »

deek

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #167 on: November 14, 2018, 06:27:43 PM »
May try that. It's getting a little better slowly, but it's been almost 3 weeks and I have no desire to see other women right now to get her out of my mind. I kinda wish I did.

deek

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #168 on: November 14, 2018, 07:29:10 PM »
Write down a list of all of the reasons that you were not compatible long-term. Anything. She chewed with her mouth open. She said something weird one time. Whatever.

Every time your brain puts her on a pedestal, refer to the list.

She wasnít perfect, you guys would have fought if you stayed together longer, and if she didnít want to marry you then thatís reason enough that you guys werenít right for each other. I know you were caught off guard, but you guys just werenít a match, plain and simple. And thatís harder sometimes than a long relationship where youíve seen the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Go out with friends, walk a dog, get some fresh air, and keep busy. And when you start putting her back on the pedestal, refer to the list.

The problem with this list is that I can think of maybe 3 things.

lexde

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #169 on: November 14, 2018, 07:32:16 PM »
Write down a list of all of the reasons that you were not compatible long-term. Anything. She chewed with her mouth open. She said something weird one time. Whatever.

Every time your brain puts her on a pedestal, refer to the list.

She wasn’t perfect, you guys would have fought if you stayed together longer, and if she didn’t want to marry you then that’s reason enough that you guys weren’t right for each other. I know you were caught off guard, but you guys just weren’t a match, plain and simple. And that’s harder sometimes than a long relationship where you’ve seen the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Go out with friends, walk a dog, get some fresh air, and keep busy. And when you start putting her back on the pedestal, refer to the list.

The problem with this list is that I can think of maybe 3 things.
Think harder. It gets easier once you write them down. #1 should be “she didn’t want to be in a relationship with me”. Then #2 “she went on a hike and acted like everything was okay before she dumped me.” Then #3, “she’s a new attorney and has trouble balancing work/life/relationships”. Then #4, “she prioritized work over me when she dumped me” etc.

I just thought of four based on your OP. And I’ve never met her. You can find more reasons. Be realistic.