Author Topic: More relationship frustration  (Read 8238 times)

mrmoonymartian

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #100 on: October 31, 2018, 06:46:19 AM »
I want to stick with the no contact, but is it worth just sending a quick note sometime over the next few days that articulates how I feel? Thereís still this huge weight on my chest and I have to get rid of it somehow. I donít want to make her feel guilty but I just want her to see my perspective a little better.
"Silence is true wisdom's best reply." - Euripides
Would this be more acceptable if I give myself more time to heal, and then air it out, that way I wonít feel so connected to the situation? In all honesty, we only dated 5 months, and she was unable to open up and would always keep things bottled in, Iím starting to see that now. But I think being on good terms is possible down the line.
Sure, but time just helps you see that it isn't worth discussing further anyway.

"Waste not fresh tears over old griefs." - Euripides

deek

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #101 on: October 31, 2018, 06:52:03 AM »
I want to stick with the no contact, but is it worth just sending a quick note sometime over the next few days that articulates how I feel? Thereís still this huge weight on my chest and I have to get rid of it somehow. I donít want to make her feel guilty but I just want her to see my perspective a little better.
"Silence is true wisdom's best reply." - Euripides

Understandable. I hope thatís the case. But one of my best friendsí wife is really good friends with her and I donít want to alienate my friends just because she might be around sometimes. And I donít want them to have trouble hanging out with her because of me.
Would this be more acceptable if I give myself more time to heal, and then air it out, that way I wonít feel so connected to the situation? In all honesty, we only dated 5 months, and she was unable to open up and would always keep things bottled in, Iím starting to see that now. But I think being on good terms is possible down the line.
Sure, but time just helps you see that it isn't worth discussing further anyway.

"Waste not fresh tears over old griefs." - Euripides

mountain mustache

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #102 on: October 31, 2018, 07:02:10 AM »
Really sorry you are going through this. No breakup is ever easy, especially when you feel like the relationship is going great. I encourage you to keep up with no contact though. The quickest way you will heal is to just not talk to her. It's so incredibly hard, I know...there will always be things you wish you knew, things you wish you could explain and talk about, but it just isn't going to help AT ALL. I promise. I had a short relationship (6months), with a really terrible breakup similar to this about 4 years ago. It just ended, out of nowhere, and I was devastated for months. I wanted to say SO many things, and explain myself, and ask questions...instead, I just kept to myself, walked through the sh!ttiness and pain, dealt with it, and came out stronger on the other side. I learned so much about myself in the process, and how I deal with emotional pain/grief.  I am so so so happy I never initiated contact with that guy again. It enabled me to have a wonderful relationship with a great guy afterwards for a few years, and even when things didn't work out with us (for job/location reasons) we had a really healthy breakup, and I was able to deal with it in a way that felt so much calmer, and less devastating than that previous breakup.
If you get through this without initiating contact, your heart is going to be so much freer to accept new people into it. You need to give yourself the space to heal and become whole, and you will move forward to happiness much quicker than continuing to open the wound little bits at a time. In a few weeks, I promise the pain will be much less...every day you wake up, you will have healed a tiny bit more, even if you don't feel it! One day you will wake up and realize, "wow, I haven't thought about the breakup in a few days" and you will begin moving forward again.
Lots of thoughts sent your way, I know this is never easy, give yourself grace to feel the pain and be sad, but also to move forward and out of it once you are ready.

maizeman

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #103 on: October 31, 2018, 07:07:50 AM »
Deek, right now it sounds like you are confounding two different actions.

1) Sending your ex a letter expanding on your feelings and asking her more questions about how/why the relationship ended.
2) Avoiding freaking out/acting weird if you happen to run into her in the future, for example if she's hanging out with one of your mutual friends. Also avoid things like "thanks for inviting me to the party, is "ex's name" going to be there? because I won't come if she'll be there, it'd be awkward."

As long as you do #2, you shouldn't do any damage to either your connections with your mutual friends or her connections with your mutual friends.

But don't do #1. I know right now it feels to you like it'll make the situation hurt less and provide more closure, but please trust me that it'll actually be extending the pain more, and make things weirder and more strained if you folks do interact socially at some level in the future because of mutual acquaintances and friends.

OliveFI

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #104 on: October 31, 2018, 07:32:59 AM »
She sounds like some weird self absorbed psychopath.  I think you dodged a bullet.  Though in the long run I think you'll miss the dog.

I think this is an aggressive overreaction. If you don't feel like you like / love someone enough to date them "long term" ESPECIALLY in your late twenties, then break up with them. She did it in person and told him why.

I don't know why people think someone needs a reason to break up with someone. Relationships are based on mutual feelings. Feelings change or don't progress - that is reason enough.

Deek, I know this must hurt and feel terrible. Give yourself time to feel sad, mad, and confused. I don't think you should ask her to explain her feelings any further, it won't help either of you.

Dicey

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #105 on: October 31, 2018, 07:39:33 AM »
@deek , here's a trick that helped me when a guy I was dating suddenly ghosted me, with only a hint that he'd be out of contact for "a while". I made a thirty day calender, placing his name in every square. For the first day, I used a huge font, so big it filled the square. On each succeeding day I made the font smaller. By the last day, it was so small it was hardly visible. I posted it on my refrigerator. I grabbed a handful of markers and kept them nearby. Each day I colored in a new square, as his name got smaller. By the end of thirty days, he was pretty much gone from my thoughts and my heart.

I was feeling pretty good about how I'd managed his disappearance when he suddenly popped up again. The reason for the ghosting? You're not going to believe this, but he had plastic surgery. No shit. Whew, dodged a bullet on that one! What I came to call the "Disappearing Man" calender had done its magic, and I was so far over him when he reappeared that it was easy to let go fully.

limeandpepper

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #106 on: October 31, 2018, 08:03:12 AM »
I want to stick with the no contact, but is it worth just sending a quick note sometime over the next few days that articulates how I feel? Thereís still this huge weight on my chest and I have to get rid of it somehow. I donít want to make her feel guilty but I just want her to see my perspective a little better.

Vent to your friends or on this forum. If you must write out stuff, do that, but don't send/give it to her. You will only feel worse if she doesn't respond to your note. And even if she responds it is unlikely to be anything new that gives you closure, whatever she wanted to say she would've said to you the other day already.

Understandable. I hope thatís the case. But one of my best friendsí wife is really good friends with her and I donít want to alienate my friends just because she might be around sometimes. And I donít want them to have trouble hanging out with her because of me.

So just be normal with your friends whether she is around or not. You can do that without writing her a note.

Look, I actually don't think writing a note is the most terrible thing ever, but it's very unlikely to make things better, and it could make things worse, and you will probably cringe in the future and wish you didn't.

deek

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #107 on: October 31, 2018, 08:24:07 AM »
I want to stick with the no contact, but is it worth just sending a quick note sometime over the next few days that articulates how I feel? Thereís still this huge weight on my chest and I have to get rid of it somehow. I donít want to make her feel guilty but I just want her to see my perspective a little better.

Vent to your friends or on this forum. If you must write out stuff, do that, but don't send/give it to her. You will only feel worse if she doesn't respond to your note. And even if she responds it is unlikely to be anything new that gives you closure, whatever she wanted to say she would've said to you the other day already.

Understandable. I hope thatís the case. But one of my best friendsí wife is really good friends with her and I donít want to alienate my friends just because she might be around sometimes. And I donít want them to have trouble hanging out with her because of me.

So just be normal with your friends whether she is around or not. You can do that without writing her a note.

Look, I actually don't think writing a note is the most terrible thing ever, but it's very unlikely to make things better, and it could make things worse, and you will probably cringe in the future and wish you didn't.

I would probably have to agree with everything here. Is it petty to block her on social stuff? Regardless of whether or not we can communicate more comfortably later on? That would remove her as a friend, and if we were to be on good terms later, I would end up having to re-add her. Or maybe I wouldn't.. idk.

Kris

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #108 on: October 31, 2018, 08:27:19 AM »
I want to stick with the no contact, but is it worth just sending a quick note sometime over the next few days that articulates how I feel? Thereís still this huge weight on my chest and I have to get rid of it somehow. I donít want to make her feel guilty but I just want her to see my perspective a little better.

Vent to your friends or on this forum. If you must write out stuff, do that, but don't send/give it to her. You will only feel worse if she doesn't respond to your note. And even if she responds it is unlikely to be anything new that gives you closure, whatever she wanted to say she would've said to you the other day already.

Understandable. I hope thatís the case. But one of my best friendsí wife is really good friends with her and I donít want to alienate my friends just because she might be around sometimes. And I donít want them to have trouble hanging out with her because of me.

So just be normal with your friends whether she is around or not. You can do that without writing her a note.

Look, I actually don't think writing a note is the most terrible thing ever, but it's very unlikely to make things better, and it could make things worse, and you will probably cringe in the future and wish you didn't.

I would probably have to agree with everything here. Is it petty to block her on social stuff? Regardless of whether or not we can communicate more comfortably later on? That would remove her as a friend, and if we were to be on good terms later, I would end up having to re-add her. Or maybe I wouldn't.. idk.

Snooze her and hide her posts. That accomplishes the same thing for you, without removing her as a friend, and she'll never know.


DS

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #109 on: October 31, 2018, 08:33:46 AM »
No.
You can write the note if you want, but then burn it or stick it in a book or something. Donít send it. Let it go.

Love a good ole note burning!

I actually have done this before. Feels good.

limeandpepper

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #110 on: October 31, 2018, 09:19:32 AM »
I would probably have to agree with everything here. Is it petty to block her on social stuff? Regardless of whether or not we can communicate more comfortably later on? That would remove her as a friend, and if we were to be on good terms later, I would end up having to re-add her. Or maybe I wouldn't.. idk.

For Facebook, you can unfollow her. This means you stop seeing her posts but stay friends. I'm not sure about other platforms but hopefully they have similar functions.

lindy_zag

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #111 on: October 31, 2018, 09:21:34 AM »
Hey deek, 27 year old actively dating woman here. So basically your target demo.

About a year and a half ago, I went through something similar. Super intense relationship, I was head over heels, thought he was too, and he dumped me out of the blue. Told me he "just wanted to be single right now" and had a new girlfriend about a 6 weeks later. We dated about 3 months and I was heartbroken for ... maybe 4 or 5 months after that. It was horrendous and awful and I felt like an idiot for being as sad as I was, but it was incredibly painful.

At first, I was way too focused on "getting him back." Once I saw him with the new girl, I was at least able to let that go, which helped a lot.

I would note that I eventually (like only a few months ago) found out that he had cheated on me multiple times right before ending things, and I've heard a few other things through the grapevine that make me feel like I dodged a bullet there.

Honestly, though? I still don't want to be around him. I still don't go to parties if I know he'll be there. I still have a little too much glee when I hear about things not going great for him. I don't wish him pain, but I don't necessarily wish him unending happiness. He hurt me BAD, and while I don't feel sick to my stomach thinking about him anymore (and haven't for a long long time), we're not friends. Could we be, someday? Maybe. We have mutual friends, I'm sure I'll run into him eventually. But I'm not going to seek him out.

I finally deleted him off Facebook 6 months after we broke up. I recommend you do it much sooner. Like now. If you eventually reconnect, any sane person will understand why you deleted them. I've done it with other exes in the past and re-added them later once we were good. No one took it badly.

I met some really nice people through that ex, and did end up maintaining friendships with them. That mostly happened because of shared hobbies (which he conveniently quit after the relationship ended, nicest thing he ever did). However, if you have people like that I'd make an effort to reach out to them to hang out and then DO NOT MENTION HER. Talk to them like normal pals, not to get scraps on information about her. This is only worth it if these are people that you really want to keep in your life for their own sake. It only was worth it for me because I had just recently moved and really needed friends regardless.

Don't reach out to her. You'll feel pathetic about it and regret it later. That amount of vulnerability post-berakup, particularly in a relatively short and casual relationship, feels really embarassing later on. I have a different ex who I was super vulnerable with as things were ending, and it's prevented me from being able to be friends with him at all - I just hate knowing that he's seen me at my absolute worst, a version of me that I really don't like.

Things that help? Time, mostly. Journaling. Hanging with family (if you're close to them) or going to visit an out of town friend. Intentionally building new relationships (friendships - if I try to date too fast, I just find myself crying on the way home because "They're not _____," and it's unfair to someone who might be awesome in their own right). Active and social hobbies (mine is swing dancing, a great way to meet lots of new people). Time.

After that terrible breakup, I wrote the numbers 1-100 on a piece of notebook paper. Every time I successfully went a day without contacting him, I wrote NC next to that number. By the time I got to 70 or so, I'd forgotten that it was a thing I was supposed to think about, he had just faded from my mind and my heart and wasn't a daily consideration anymore.

Best of luck. This is hard.

PoutineLover

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #112 on: October 31, 2018, 09:30:45 AM »
Another vote for no contact. Unfriend or unfollow her on social media. You don't need the constant reminder. I like getting thoughts and feelings down on paper, it helps me process them, but definitely don't send her a letter. The thing about relationships is that they require two people to want to be in them. As soon as one person doesn't want that anymore, for whatever reason, it's done. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you anyway, and you can't convince someone to change their mind. You don't want to be with someone who has to be convinced to be with you either.
I haven't fully mastered the "seeing exes in social situations" thing without at least some awkwardness. I can be in the same place, but I'm never going to be friends with them. I won't avoid the whole event, but I will do my best to avoid talking 1 on 1. I do have mutual friends with my ex though, and we just don't talk about him, or if we do the subject comes up naturally and briefly and then we move on.
It sucks now, especially since you had no warning, but it will gradually get better and you'll be able to move on. Focus on yourself, get into a new hobby or do some self-pampering, journal, vent to a friend or on here, but just don't try to talk to her or her family and don't send her a letter, it won't help or give you what you need.

accolay

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #113 on: October 31, 2018, 09:41:12 AM »
No contact means no contact. You can't help it if you run into her at a social gathering or whatever, but be normal, gracious and go talk with someone else. Don't call, text or write notes. No online stalking. Set her free.

Here's what you can do if you ever feel like contacting her: Punch yourself in the nuts. Well, ok, you don't have to actually but instead think about that physical pain. At least it will distract you and return you to reality before you do something stupid that will make you look like that creepy obsessive guy I mentioned before.

mveill1

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #114 on: October 31, 2018, 10:20:09 AM »

I want to stick with the no contact, but is it worth just sending a quick note sometime over the next few days that articulates how I feel? Thereís still this huge weight on my chest and I have to get rid of it somehow. I donít want to make her feel guilty but I just want her to see my perspective a little better.

Reason I was bringing up the Divorce Busting books earlier is that although it doesn't apply to your case (seems like you never really had anything worth saving here, in hindsight), is that they eloquently make the point that even if you wanted to get back with your ex, THE BEST WAY TO ACHIEVE THAT IS TO CUT CONTACT!

Let that sink in.

Now again, I don't want to give false hope as this won't apply to you. The reason why cutting contact is the best strategy to get an ex (in the context of an actual serious relationship) back include:
- These conversations are inevitably argumentative, which prompts the other party to restate, and remind themselves of, the arguments for leaving
- Being independent and your best self is attractive, makes you seem a partner one would be be crazy to leave
- No one wants to be reminded of a reason to feel guilty - those negative feelings then become attached to the dumpee. You end up negating any positive memories she might have.

So again to be clear, I'm making the point that if there's any part of you hoping for her to come back, the same advice applies anyway. In the case of ex-partners, they'll get back in touch for whatever reason at some point (if only to discuss logistics of divorce). In your case, there's maybe say a 1% chance she'll ask you to go for coffee if you've cut contact. This decreases to a fat 0% if you nag her, or worse go talk to her family which is worse than being a beg - it's being a sneaky one.

Stay strong. We're all rooting for you.

EnjoyIt

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #115 on: October 31, 2018, 10:54:03 AM »
I want to stick with the no contact, but is it worth just sending a quick note sometime over the next few days that articulates how I feel? Thereís still this huge weight on my chest and I have to get rid of it somehow. I donít want to make her feel guilty but I just want her to see my perspective a little better.

ďI wonít contact her but . . . I will just contact herĒ

You are a stubborn one arenít you. Seriously though, no contact means no contact. You can not plead your way through this. Any initiation of discussion on your part including explaining how you feel will make you look weak and unattractive. Please try your best to stop this sort of thinking.

If she contacts you and wants to talk, then talk. But again no pleading or explaining.


mveill1

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #116 on: October 31, 2018, 10:56:41 AM »
I want to stick with the no contact, but is it worth just sending a quick note sometime over the next few days that articulates how I feel? Thereís still this huge weight on my chest and I have to get rid of it somehow. I donít want to make her feel guilty but I just want her to see my perspective a little better.

ďI wonít contact her but . . . I will just contact herĒ

You are a stubborn one arenít you. Seriously though, no contact means no contact. You can not plead your way through this. Any initiation of discussion on your part including explaining how you feel will make you look weak and unattractive. Please try your best to stop this sort of thinking.

If she contacts you and wants to talk, then talk. But again no pleading or explaining.

I'll go further - if she wants to talk, don't jump at the chance. Make sure the time she proposes "doesn't work for you" and have her look for alternative dates. Not kidding here.

deek

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #117 on: October 31, 2018, 11:05:18 AM »
I want to stick with the no contact, but is it worth just sending a quick note sometime over the next few days that articulates how I feel? Thereís still this huge weight on my chest and I have to get rid of it somehow. I donít want to make her feel guilty but I just want her to see my perspective a little better.

ďI wonít contact her but . . . I will just contact herĒ

You are a stubborn one arenít you. Seriously though, no contact means no contact. You can not plead your way through this. Any initiation of discussion on your part including explaining how you feel will make you look weak and unattractive. Please try your best to stop this sort of thinking.

If she contacts you and wants to talk, then talk. But again no pleading or explaining.

Guilty as charged

peeps_be_peeping

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #118 on: October 31, 2018, 12:42:48 PM »
I want to stick with the no contact, but is it worth just sending a quick note sometime over the next few days that articulates how I feel? Thereís still this huge weight on my chest and I have to get rid of it somehow. I donít want to make her feel guilty but I just want her to see my perspective a little better.

Do not do this. I have been the recipient of multiple "quick notes" that articulated the feelings of a guy I broke up with. The break up was mutual, but afterwards he had second thoughts and wanted to be sure I knew exactly why I was wrong to maintain the break up, and why his feelings were more important than my feelings. I also received a "quick note" from this dude's mother articulating her feelings about our break up! I received "quick notes" sporadically for at least two years. I think they stopped when he started dating his co-irker. To be 100% clear, I did not enjoy receiving any of these "quick notes." I found them creepy and bizarre. I also showed them to all my friends and we made fun of this guy many times.

DS

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #119 on: October 31, 2018, 01:36:34 PM »
At what speed does the note become okay? /s

ketchup

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #120 on: October 31, 2018, 01:52:34 PM »

EvenSteven

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #121 on: October 31, 2018, 03:15:51 PM »
As a well known relationship columnist/pod-caster says, "closure isn't something someone else can give you, closure is something you give yourself."

katscratch

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #122 on: October 31, 2018, 03:37:45 PM »
I want to stick with the no contact, but is it worth just sending a quick note sometime over the next few days that articulates how I feel? Thereís still this huge weight on my chest and I have to get rid of it somehow. I donít want to make her feel guilty but I just want her to see my perspective a little better.

Do not do this. I have been the recipient of multiple "quick notes" that articulated the feelings of a guy I broke up with. The break up was mutual, but afterwards he had second thoughts and wanted to be sure I knew exactly why I was wrong to maintain the break up, and why his feelings were more important than my feelings. I also received a "quick note" from this dude's mother articulating her feelings about our break up! I received "quick notes" sporadically for at least two years. I think they stopped when he started dating his co-irker. To be 100% clear, I did not enjoy receiving any of these "quick notes." I found them creepy and bizarre. I also showed them to all my friends and we made fun of this guy many times.


Yes yes YES

I have also been a recipient of more than a few explanations and queries. They ruined any chance the fellow had of ever remaining friends - and we had a LOT of mutual friends and did a lot of the same activities.

With how you feel, no contact for several months is likely the only way to start the process. I personally unfriend and block on social media - I've had a couple people where I was tempted to look at their pages even if I wasn't following them and it just made things harder.

I've also been on your end of a breakup, deek, where I felt inexplicable sorrow over a very short relationship and had very strong impulses to "fix" things or "get closure". Sometimes there's just no such thing. You'll find over time what works best for your own healing. But first you need to allow yourself the space to heal.

deek

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #123 on: October 31, 2018, 08:43:24 PM »
Does it do any good to focus on things I didn't like about her?

maizeman

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #124 on: October 31, 2018, 08:50:15 PM »
Does it do any good to focus on things I didn't like about her?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Try to focus on things you enjoy that have nothing to do with her. If that doesn't work, focus on getting angry or upset about things that have nothing to do with her.

If you find yourself sitting alone thinking about her (either positively or negatively), force yourself to get up and move, even if it's just going for a walk around the block. I've also found really intense biking is a good way to keep myself from just ruminating on a bad relationship or the end of a good relationship.

deek

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #125 on: October 31, 2018, 08:55:59 PM »
Does it do any good to focus on things I didn't like about her?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Try to focus on things you enjoy that have nothing to do with her. If that doesn't work, focus on getting angry or upset about things that have nothing to do with her.

If you find yourself sitting alone thinking about her (either positively or negatively), force yourself to get up and move, even if it's just going for a walk around the block. I've also found really intense biking is a good way to keep myself from just ruminating on a bad relationship or the end of a good relationship.

I'll put some thought into this one. I've been going to the gym every day since it happened and I still can't shake it when I'm there.

maizeman

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #126 on: October 31, 2018, 09:02:13 PM »
Repetitive exercises at the gym still leave a lot more room for your mind to drift, so the only way to use then to avoid dwelling is to push your body to the point of exhaustion/collapse.

Walking/running/biking out in the world more of your brain is engaged in not crashing into things, nothing the world around you, so you don't have to push quite as hard to keep your mind from drifting.

Villanelle

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #127 on: October 31, 2018, 10:59:10 PM »
I want to stick with the no contact, but is it worth just sending a quick note sometime over the next few days that articulates how I feel? Thereís still this huge weight on my chest and I have to get rid of it somehow. I donít want to make her feel guilty but I just want her to see my perspective a little better.

Why?  This person is no longer a part of your life.  The goal is to get to a point where what she thinks and feels doesn't really matter.  I understand that you aren't there yet, but continuing to indulge the desire to interact with her and value her feelings about you is moving away from the goal, not toward it. 

If you need someone to talk to about this and help you process, a counselor would be a much better choice than the woman herself. 

tyler2016

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #128 on: November 01, 2018, 05:05:11 AM »
You are hurting, but remember the ancient saying "this too shall pass".

She broke up with you. It hurts. There probably isn't anything you can do to change either of those facts.

You mentioned trying to get her to see your perspective. It doesn't matter now. Maybe that is why she dumped you? Were you so focused on your perspective on things that you were deaf to hers?

I would see a psychologist. Some employers have EAPs that will pay for it. If yours doesn't, insurance will probably cover it. It doesn't mean there is some wrong with you.  They will help you introspect and figure out why you feel the way you do and how you can deal with it. Worst case, you are out of an hour and maybe a few hundred dollars.

Let me frame it another way. Would you pay 200 dollars to make your pain more tolerable and for a greater understanding of yourself that will help you with future relationships? Sounds like a bargain to me.

partgypsy

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #129 on: November 01, 2018, 10:09:57 AM »
I am now on the side of not sending a letter. It's totally OK to write that letter. Or more than one letter, or journal entries. Also vent to a friend.but not to send that letter. There was a guy I had a big crush on in college. We only went out for a month, but I held a flame for him for years. Wasn't really rational, just my brain's first "true love" feeling. It was only after college I completely got over him. It might take a long time to get over it and you need to be patient with yourself. 

deek

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #130 on: November 01, 2018, 01:43:33 PM »
I am now on the side of not sending a letter. It's totally OK to write that letter. Or more than one letter, or journal entries. Also vent to a friend.but not to send that letter. There was a guy I had a big crush on in college. We only went out for a month, but I held a flame for him for years. Wasn't really rational, just my brain's first "true love" feeling. It was only after college I completely got over him. It might take a long time to get over it and you need to be patient with yourself.

What worries me is that I'm 27. I hope my mind doesn't hold me back because of that "true love" feeling. And I hope it doesn't reset if/when I see her with other guys. Maybe it'll take going out more often just to see (maybe chat with) some attractive women. Right now though, I can't muster up any desire to do anything but go to the gym and vent about this to my friends.

Anyway, I'm slowly appreciating the more potential freedom I will have. While I was with her, I wasn't getting to the gym as much as I wanted because we live 20 minutes apart and I needed to see her on evenings where she wasn't busy with work/family/other volunteer activities. I loved weekends spent with her, but she's super structured and always planning. Sometimes it was difficult to feel like we could just chill and not worry about anything. I feel like over time, that might have taken a toll on my more unstructured, live in the moment personality. Also she had a super high maintenance dog who was crazy (but I loved her). There was a lot going on that could throw kinks in our time together. But... I still miss it like crazy.
« Last Edit: November 01, 2018, 02:02:38 PM by deek »

deek

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #131 on: November 02, 2018, 01:05:46 PM »
Went to the mall today over lunch and bough 2 pairs of jeans, a nice button up shirt and some TOMS. It'll be nice to look a little better going out tonight. One other thing I'm going to spend time doing is getting rid of all the shit I never wear and simplify my belongings. Hopefully that can take my mind off of this a little more.

LadyMuMu

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #132 on: November 02, 2018, 01:12:47 PM »
Sounds like a great plan. This is a great time to focus on making yourself the best and most authentic version of yourself possible. This is a GREAT use of time rather than focusing on your ex.

deek

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #133 on: November 04, 2018, 12:16:48 PM »
Is it reasonable to maybe wait another week or two and write her a letter just to see if sheís open to discussing a little more in depth about what may have made her feel the way she did. The way she laid it on me just isnít normal and it seems obvious that something underlying is going on. Itís been a week and this weight is just still on my chest. Iím not sure how much longer I can try to go through my day to day trying hard to not let it interfere.

maizeman

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #134 on: November 04, 2018, 12:22:07 PM »
Is it reasonable to maybe wait another week or two and write her a letter just to see if sheís open to discussing a little more in depth about what may have made her feel the way she did. The way she laid it on me just isnít normal and it seems obvious that something underlying is going on. Itís been a week and this weight is just still on my chest. Iím not sure how much longer I can try to go through my day to day trying hard to not let it interfere.

No Deek, I'm afraid that is not reasonable. Well maybe reasonable as in understandable why you'd have the impulse, but definitely not a good idea to pursue. I know going through the weeks after a breakup sucks, but it really does get better, and like any open wound, it heals faster if you don't pick at it, which is what trying to reopen the discussion with your ex would be.

You said "The way she laid it on me just isnít normal and it seems obvious that something underlying is going on." I understand there is a limit to how much detail you're going to want to go into in a public forum, but could you tell me a little more about what makes you say that? In my own experience, each break up I've gone through has been different enough from each other that I don't know that I could describe what a "normal" way to be broken up with would be.

deek

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #135 on: November 04, 2018, 12:34:21 PM »
Is it reasonable to maybe wait another week or two and write her a letter just to see if sheís open to discussing a little more in depth about what may have made her feel the way she did. The way she laid it on me just isnít normal and it seems obvious that something underlying is going on. Itís been a week and this weight is just still on my chest. Iím not sure how much longer I can try to go through my day to day trying hard to not let it interfere.

No Deek, I'm afraid that is not reasonable. Well maybe reasonable as in understandable why you'd have the impulse, but definitely not a good idea to pursue. I know going through the weeks after a breakup sucks, but it really does get better, and like any open wound, it heals faster if you don't pick at it, which is what trying to reopen the discussion with your ex would be.

You said "The way she laid it on me just isnít normal and it seems obvious that something underlying is going on." I understand there is a limit to how much detail you're going to want to go into in a public forum, but could you tell me a little more about what makes you say that? In my own experience, each break up I've gone through has been different enough from each other that I don't know that I could describe what a "normal" way to be broken up with would be.

There were zero signs anything was irregular or off in our relationship. The weekend previous to this happening, everything was awesome. She interacted with me as she always has, looked and talked to me like she always has, and we had a great time with her family. Then the next weekend she asked me to go on a hike at a place she knew I had never been to with her and her dog. The hike was good with normal conversation until near the end when when she looked at me and said, ďI have to tell you something... I think we should break up.Ē I was in shock, and have been since. There was never any discussion about anything she was having difficulty with. She couldnít really say anything other than.. ďIím 27 and this doesnít feel like forever.Ē Sorry but that really seems like an easy out after just a 4.5 month relationship. We couldnít even have a conversation like adults as to why this was the case. And she just kept apologizing saying she didnít want to hurt me. Dropping a bomb like that.. I just had no clue what to say. It was excruciating after we had such a great connection.

lhamo

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #136 on: November 04, 2018, 12:44:29 PM »
We couldnít even have a conversation like adults as to why this was the case.

That right there is reason enough not to continue to drag things out.  This is an issue with her, not you.  If she wasn't able to be open/honest with you in that context, what do you think pushing her to continue to discuss is going to achieve?  Respect her decision and move on. 

maizeman

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #137 on: November 04, 2018, 12:49:46 PM »
Then the next weekend she asked me to go on a hike at a place she knew I had never been to with her and her dog. The hike was good with normal conversation until near the end when when she looked at me and said, ďI have to tell you something... I think we should break up.Ē I was in shock, and have been since. There was never any discussion about anything she was having difficulty with. She couldnít really say anything other than.. ďIím 27 and this doesnít feel like forever.Ē Sorry but that really seems like an easy out after just a 4.5 month relationship. We couldnít even have a conversation like adults as to why this was the case. And she just kept apologizing saying she didnít want to hurt me. Dropping a bomb like that.. I just had no clue what to say. It was excruciating after we had such a great connection.

So there could be a lot of reasons for this. And I'm certainly not trying to minimize the excruciating experience of actually living through a breakup like that. I think someone up thread quoted a 2:1 ratio for the length of a relationship and the time it takes to recover from a relationship. So you're probably going to still be hurting a week from now. And perhaps even hurting a month from now. But it is going to get better.

Essentially, "I'm 27 and this doesn't feel like forever" can mean "I don't think you want to raise children and grow old with me" or "I don't want to raise children and grow old with you." The first is often an opening to negotiation. The second isn't. Since she didn't ask for you to change in any way, this is the second one.

Trust me that nothing good will come of trying to learn why you aren't the person she wants to raise children and grow old with. If she was going to tell you more, almost certainly she already would have. And even if you somehow convince her to go into more detail about what lead to her decision than she did before... well there are no good and ego/self-image sparing answers to that question when they are coming from a woman you were in love with.

Instead of going through all the potential bad answers, can you think of anything she could tell you about why she doesn't want to be with you anymore that would make it hurt less?

Kris

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #138 on: November 04, 2018, 12:52:53 PM »
Is it reasonable to maybe wait another week or two and write her a letter just to see if sheís open to discussing a little more in depth about what may have made her feel the way she did. The way she laid it on me just isnít normal and it seems obvious that something underlying is going on. Itís been a week and this weight is just still on my chest. Iím not sure how much longer I can try to go through my day to day trying hard to not let it interfere.

No Deek, I'm afraid that is not reasonable. Well maybe reasonable as in understandable why you'd have the impulse, but definitely not a good idea to pursue. I know going through the weeks after a breakup sucks, but it really does get better, and like any open wound, it heals faster if you don't pick at it, which is what trying to reopen the discussion with your ex would be.

You said "The way she laid it on me just isnít normal and it seems obvious that something underlying is going on." I understand there is a limit to how much detail you're going to want to go into in a public forum, but could you tell me a little more about what makes you say that? In my own experience, each break up I've gone through has been different enough from each other that I don't know that I could describe what a "normal" way to be broken up with would be.

There were zero signs anything was irregular or off in our relationship. The weekend previous to this happening, everything was awesome. She interacted with me as she always has, looked and talked to me like she always has, and we had a great time with her family. Then the next weekend she asked me to go on a hike at a place she knew I had never been to with her and her dog. The hike was good with normal conversation until near the end when when she looked at me and said, ďI have to tell you something... I think we should break up.Ē I was in shock, and have been since. There was never any discussion about anything she was having difficulty with. She couldnít really say anything other than.. ďIím 27 and this doesnít feel like forever.Ē Sorry but that really seems like an easy out after just a 4.5 month relationship. We couldnít even have a conversation like adults as to why this was the case. And she just kept apologizing saying she didnít want to hurt me. Dropping a bomb like that.. I just had no clue what to say. It was excruciating after we had such a great connection.

I had a breakup like this once. We had just spent the entire weekend together, and everything seemed great to me. I went home, and then later that night we were having a phone conversation, and he said the same thing. "I'm (age) and I just don't feel like this is a forever relationship."

Yeah, it sucked. But frankly, that's a perfectly good reason. Dating is trying people and relationships on for size. And in many breakups, only one of the people wants to end things. And that's entirely their right. The reason she stated is her reason. That's it. It's not "a bomb." She wasn't under any obligation to keep talking to you until you agreed with her. It's how she felt. And she told you. End of story.

Deek, you need to leave it alone and move on.

deek

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #139 on: November 04, 2018, 01:40:36 PM »
Iím trying to. I hope it gets better soon. One thing I was noticing is that her health and well-being was taking a back seat to her new career as an attorney, and thatís dangerous. With enough time, that in itself would become toxic to any relationship. I hope she can focus on herself when Iím not around.

LadyMuMu

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #140 on: November 04, 2018, 03:36:21 PM »
You know one thing that you're doing really well? You're asking for input from this group before making contact with the ex. Then when we pretty much all go, nope, no, no way, you listen to the advice.

I once broke up with a guy I'd been dating for several months. He was (and is) a wonderful person. We had fun together and enjoyed each others company. I was at an age where I wanted to start thinking marriage. But when I thought about it with him, my heart just shriveled up a little. I knew in my gut that he just wasn't the guy for me. While things were fine, fun, and comfortable, there was not that special zing. He didn't want much out of life other than kindness, a good enough job, and time with friends and that just wasn't enough for me. So I broke up with him. He was devastated. I HATED hurting him.

After we broke up, he pursued a career in healthcare and took a risk going back to school. He travelled abroad when prior he'd never really been out of the adjoining states. He met a wonderful lady and they both made each other zing. I am SO happy for him and we are now friends from afar. It would have been the worst thing in the world if we had stayed together.

The way you talk about your relationship with your ex reminds me of this man before we broke up. Sometimes the kindest thing to do is to break up. It doesn't mean someone behaved badly or is undesirable. Sometimes it just isn't a good enough fit. And sometimes breakups like these can be the catalyst to you getting in touch with what's really important to you and really LIVING life.

BicycleB

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #141 on: November 04, 2018, 03:49:40 PM »
Is it reasonable to maybe wait another week or two and write her a letter just to see if sheís open to discussing a little more in depth about what may have made her feel the way she did.

No.

Reasonable would be following suggestions from Villanelle, Maizeman, etc.

It's not stalking if she hasn't explicitly refused contact, but it's emotionally unwise. Her reasons won't change the situation. Only your own healing will. She's not responsible for that, don't try to rope her into fixing you. Less contact means you will heal faster.

The way she laid it on me just isnít normal 

The way she laid it on you is entirely within normal bounds and you've been told that fact by more than one person. Ignoring the majority on this issue is a good way to turn ordinary disappointment from a breakup into the kind of festering grudge that can lead you be a person you don't want to be. Blaming someone else for these feelings or saying she's not normal is exactly the wrong approach here - it disempowers you as well as being inaccurate. That's why several people specifically contradicted the one person who strongly felt the way she told you was "abnormal." Become healthy by learning to take power over your life without her. If you instead follow the one person who blames her, you choose against majority advice to hurt yourself by picking at the wound.

Itís been a week and this weight is just still on my chest. Iím not sure how much longer I can try to go through my day to day trying hard to not let it interfere.

An honest report of feelings. Perfectly reasonable to be honest with us, obviously.

If you can't get through the day, I highly suggest that you get counseling. Think about it: if you can't complete your work, because of an issue in your head, you get counseling to clear your head. Very reasonable, completely logical.

It often happens that feelings like this seem overwhelming, but you do get through the day. I congratulate you for each such day. That you've had seven of them already suggests you will get better over time, and are functioning despite the feelings. Keep going. I think you can do this. Each day you get through does make you stronger.

EricL

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #142 on: November 04, 2018, 10:38:16 PM »
I'm gonna second all the people who say you should not talk to her again.  Whether she broke it off poorly because she's a psycho, just couldn't figure out a better way, or whatever is immaterial.  She made the decision.  Contacting her is just begging for a metaphorical kick in the dick.  Or possibly a literal one. 

Villanelle

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #143 on: November 04, 2018, 10:44:58 PM »
You keep asking the same question, and getting the same answer.  No.  Do not contact her.  Period.  Full stop.  EOD.  Don't.

And honestly, until you decide that, firmly, for yourself, you are keeping one foot in this failed relationship and it is going to slow down your healing process even more.  You are looking to her to help you heal.  No.  You need to find that in yourself.  Because she almost certainly can't give you whatever it is you want, and even if she could, it isn't her job.  She's out of your life.

Even with more details, what you describe it perfectly normal.  In fact, it sounds like a pretty text book, unremarkable break up.  Frankly, it sounds very much like a normal break up based on what you've shared so far.  So often, it is a complete surprise to the other person in the relationship, and everything seems normal until then. I discussed reason why that is in a earlier post. Read that again.

Finally, I have to say that your inability to let go of the idea of contacting her, even after we've all told you again and again not to do it, does make me wonder if clinginess or a failure to respect her choices or an inability to be whole and complete without her may have played a factor in things going south. Or perhaps you were more in love with the idea of finding "the one" than you were with her because you seem to desperately want the relationship back and yet you clearly don't respect the way she handled this, and I get a weird vibe (though that could just be internet tone difficulties).  You seem to talk more about the relationship you lost than the woman you lost.  I know you said you are okay being alone, but it doesn't feel like it, and having lived alone for a while--which is how you responded to that post--is different than having been emotionally okay with not being partnered.  But those are questions to explore yourself or with a therapist, not with her.

limeandpepper

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #144 on: November 04, 2018, 11:26:27 PM »
There were zero signs anything was irregular or off in our relationship. The weekend previous to this happening, everything was awesome. She interacted with me as she always has, looked and talked to me like she always has, and we had a great time with her family. Then the next weekend she asked me to go on a hike at a place she knew I had never been to with her and her dog. The hike was good with normal conversation until near the end when when she looked at me and said, ďI have to tell you something... I think we should break up.Ē I was in shock, and have been since. There was never any discussion about anything she was having difficulty with. She couldnít really say anything other than.. ďIím 27 and this doesnít feel like forever.Ē Sorry but that really seems like an easy out after just a 4.5 month relationship. We couldnít even have a conversation like adults as to why this was the case. And she just kept apologizing saying she didnít want to hurt me. Dropping a bomb like that.. I just had no clue what to say. It was excruciating after we had such a great connection.

Things seeming to go well prior to a breakup is actually not unusual. There are plenty of one-sided endings out there where one party is surprised by the other's decision and it felt out of the blue to them, this is also not unusual. Most people have had these things happen to them one time or another, as per the posts in this thread. I have heard these types of stories from many of my friends and have lived it myself too. It's VERY common.

"This doesn't feel like forever" is also a valid reason, whether you agree with it or not. There doesn't have to be any significant problems with the relationship, it can just be how someone feels. And everyone has their own parameters for their relationships. For example, I once had a friend suggest "if you've been dating for x amount of time then you should know by then whether you want to marry them or not", meanwhile I am more of a go with the flow kind of person. So on that point my friend and I kinda disagree but that doesn't make either of us right or wrong, it's just a different perspective, and it's just whatever works for the individual.

me1

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #145 on: November 05, 2018, 06:43:43 AM »
I am so glad I didnít have to date a lot of the people posting on this thread! Apparently you should be ok within a week of being dumped out of the blue. And itís all your fault! And you canít ask for help because some strangers on the internet think that makes you clingy.
Actually this whole thread makes me glad I never did much of traditional dating at all. It sounds brutal!
By the way I think what you are feeling is completely normal and you are doing great seeking out advice instead of reaching out to her. Even though you desperately want to. I know it doesnít seem like it now, but you will get through it. These guys probably think they are giving you ďtough loveĒ that you need. Either that or they are heartless bastards who have been dumped one too many times and want others to suffer and feel bad for suffering too.
Sounds to me like you just need a hug and someone to tell you it will be ok. It will!

maizeman

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #146 on: November 05, 2018, 06:55:04 AM »
I am so glad I didnít have to date a lot of the people posting on this thread! Apparently you should be ok within a week of being dumped out of the blue.
Who said deek should be okay within a week of being dumped?

Quote

And itís all your fault!
I think I saw one person speculate about this, but I don't think you could fairly say "a lot of people" did.

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And you canít ask for help because some strangers on the internet think that makes you clingy.
You cannot (or should not) ask for help from the person that dumped you. Asking for help in general is fine and a good thing to do.

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Actually this whole thread makes me glad I never did much of traditional dating at all. It sounds brutal!
Yes. It is.

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By the way I think what you are feeling is completely normal and you are doing great seeking out advice instead of reaching out to her. Even though you desperately want to. I know it doesnít seem like it now, but you will get through it.
I believe I've said the same thing in almost the same words.

charis

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #147 on: November 05, 2018, 07:31:51 AM »
I am so glad I didnít have to date a lot of the people posting on this thread! Apparently you should be ok within a week of being dumped out of the blue. And itís all your fault! And you canít ask for help because some strangers on the internet think that makes you clingy.
Actually this whole thread makes me glad I never did much of traditional dating at all. It sounds brutal!
By the way I think what you are feeling is completely normal and you are doing great seeking out advice instead of reaching out to her. Even though you desperately want to. I know it doesnít seem like it now, but you will get through it. These guys probably think they are giving you ďtough loveĒ that you need. Either that or they are heartless bastards who have been dumped one too many times and want others to suffer and feel bad for suffering too.
Sounds to me like you just need a hug and someone to tell you it will be ok. It will!

Almost everyone on this thread has commented similarly to the bolded - it's clear that you didn't read the whole thing, because it you had, you would know that. 

DS

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #148 on: November 05, 2018, 07:39:53 AM »
Iím trying to. I hope it gets better soon. One thing I was noticing is that her health and well-being was taking a back seat to her new career as an attorney, and thatís dangerous. With enough time, that in itself would become toxic to any relationship. I hope she can focus on herself when Iím not around.

She can, and she will or she won't! In her own time.

lexde

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More relationship frustration
« Reply #149 on: November 05, 2018, 08:03:38 AM »
(Edited to delete this. Commented on an earlier comment, read the thread, realized that this was now beating a dead horse).
« Last Edit: November 05, 2018, 01:16:22 PM by lexde »