Married people: did you change your name? Why or why not? And how did you name your kids?

[hermoninny]

I know a bunch of people will try to tell me I'm wrong. "I'm a woman! I changed my name! It made sense! I'm still a feminist!" Well, don't waste your breath. If there's an issue I will never change my mind about, it's this one.

My definition of feminism is all about choices.  I respect the choice to keep, to change, to hyphenate, to put as a middle name, or to create a new name.  My pet peeve is when someone tries to convince me that I am unknowingly perpetuating a system of patriarchal norms and reinforcing a system of gender inequality, all because I changed a few random legal documents.

+1

I changed my name.  We have two kids, and all share this name.

My maiden name was fodder for many jokes growing up.  I've heard *everything* and usually ended up turning it on the aggressor ("Really?  Like I haven't heard that before.")  My brother was extremely affected by the teasing and changed his name before he got married.  It's possibly the family name before the emigrated to the US, but it hasn't been proven.  It's all very strange to me, but his wife took the new name and their children, I presume, share it (I haven't talked to them in about 10 years.)

[Spartana]

A marriage isn't two individuals living together. It's two individuals becoming one. A name is just a name, sure, but it is also symbolic of your new one-ness. Whatever you decide with your and your kids' names, take time to think through one-ness.

My hubby and I didn't see our marriage as two people morphing into one new entity. We saw ourselves as 2 individuals who could enhance each others lives for the better. It was based on mutual love, respect, honor, romantic desire, friendship, companionship, etc... So we didn't "blend" but rather added to our already awesome individual lives.  Cake with a side of whip cream to make each thing better rather then mushed into one thing.

When I got married, back in the dark olden days of the early 1980's when I was very young, I kept my own last name (as did he) and never had problems with it even though it wasn't as common or accepted back then. He was proud of my individualism and proud that I kept my last name and took pleasure introducing me by it - "This is my wife Spartana maiden name". The only person who had a problem with it was my very old school, old world European Mom - but then she had issues with pretty much everything I did since I was very non-traditional. She accepted eventually (took years and years!) but always felt I should have changed it (along with my job, my lifestyle, my hair :-)!). We didn't have kids but we probably would have hyphenated if we had as both our last names were simple.  Now that I'm divorced (after 20 years together - 17 married) I really love that I kept my own name all these years. I won't say it defines me as "who" I am so much, but it allows me to continue to feel my own individual sense of self both while married and single. Something very important to retain in our marriage for both myself and for my ex-hubby.

For the OP, she probably needs to decide what is best for her, and her spouse, based on the kind of relationship they want to have and how important a name is - his name or her name or a whole new name. No marriage is the same, and some will want to enhance their individualisms and other's their oneness.

[2Optimists]

I'm divorced and now use my maiden name.  At the offspring's school, I answer to Mrs. Maiden name, Mrs. ex-husband's name (which is also offspring's last name) or Offspring's first name's Mom.  If you have a last name different from your children, be prepared to answer to their last name.  I have loads of friends from South America and ones with blended families, so there are times where everyone in a family has a different surname.  Seems to confuse the Americans more than anyone else.

[CNM]

I know a few people who changed their maiden name to their middle name. So Sally Ann Jones would become Sally Jones Smith.

My wife took my name, but we did include her maiden name in the middle name of our daughter, so maybe you could take that approach?

We did this, too!  I took my husband's surname but kept my maiden name as my middle name.  Our son's middle name is my maiden name.  Now he shares the same middle name as his cousin (my sister's son).

[solon]

A marriage isn't two individuals living together. It's two individuals becoming one. A name is just a name, sure, but it is also symbolic of your new one-ness. Whatever you decide with your and your kids' names, take time to think through one-ness.

My hubby and I didn't see our marriage as two people morphing into one new entity. We saw ourselves as 2 individuals who could enhance each others lives for the better. It was based on mutual love, respect, honor, romantic desire, friendship, companionship, etc... So we didn't "blend" but rather added to our already awesome individual lives.  Cake with a side of whip cream to make each thing better rather then mushed into one thing.

When I got married, back in the dark olden days of the early 1980's when I was very young, I kept my own last name (as did he) and never had problems with it even though it wasn't as common or accepted back then. He was proud of my individualism and proud that I kept my last name and took pleasure introducing me by it - "This is my wife Spartana maiden name". The only person who had a problem with it was my very old school, old world European Mom - but then she had issues with pretty much everything I did since I was very non-traditional. She accepted eventually (took years and years!) but always felt I should have changed it (along with my job, my lifestyle, my hair :-)!). We didn't have kids but we probably would have hyphenated if we had as both our last names were simple.  Now that I'm divorced (after 20 years together - 17 married) I really love that I kept my own name all these years. I won't say it defines me as "who" I am so much, but it allows me to continue to feel my own individual sense of self both while married and single. Something very important to retain in our marriage for both myself and for my ex-hubby.

For the OP, she probably needs to decide what is best for her, and her spouse, based on the kind of relationship they want to have and how important a name is - his name or her name or a whole new name. No marriage is the same, and some will want to enhance their individualisms and other's their oneness.

You seem to be saying that remaining individuals made it easier to get a divorce. I'm saying becoming one new entity makes it harder to divorce.

[socaso]

Normally I read the thread but I'm going straight to the reply since this is about personal experience. I kept my name. I always knew I would keep my name and for what it's worth my husband's surname is MUCH cooler than mine, like rock star cool. There is a certain personality type in my family, open, chatty, never met a stranger sort of people and my whole life my family always said "Oh, she's such a *surname redacted*!" so I just couldn't imagine that not being my name. I, too, assumed that people would start calling me Mrs. Husband's Surname but that has not been the case. Keeping my name made me realize how infrequently my surname even comes up in my day-to-day life. A lot of my girlfriends kept their names, too and I've never heard any of them comment about it negatively. Now that we have a kid he has his dad's super cool surname and I just don't care at all that I have a different last name than my child. No one questions it at all ever. Maybe if I lived in a more traditional part of the country I'd get comments but that's just speculation.

[Spartana]

A marriage isn't two individuals living together. It's two individuals becoming one. A name is just a name, sure, but it is also symbolic of your new one-ness. Whatever you decide with your and your kids' names, take time to think through one-ness.

My hubby and I didn't see our marriage as two people morphing into one new entity. We saw ourselves as 2 individuals who could enhance each others lives for the better. It was based on mutual love, respect, honor, romantic desire, friendship, companionship, etc... So we didn't "blend" but rather added to our already awesome individual lives.  Cake with a side of whip cream to make each thing better rather then mushed into one thing.

When I got married, back in the dark olden days of the early 1980's when I was very young, I kept my own last name (as did he) and never had problems with it even though it wasn't as common or accepted back then. He was proud of my individualism and proud that I kept my last name and took pleasure introducing me by it - "This is my wife Spartana maiden name". The only person who had a problem with it was my very old school, old world European Mom - but then she had issues with pretty much everything I did since I was very non-traditional. She accepted eventually (took years and years!) but always felt I should have changed it (along with my job, my lifestyle, my hair :-)!). We didn't have kids but we probably would have hyphenated if we had as both our last names were simple.  Now that I'm divorced (after 20 years together - 17 married) I really love that I kept my own name all these years. I won't say it defines me as "who" I am so much, but it allows me to continue to feel my own individual sense of self both while married and single. Something very important to retain in our marriage for both myself and for my ex-hubby.

For the OP, she probably needs to decide what is best for her, and her spouse, based on the kind of relationship they want to have and how important a name is - his name or her name or a whole new name. No marriage is the same, and some will want to enhance their individualisms and other's their oneness.

You seem to be saying that remaining individuals made it easier to get a divorce. I'm saying becoming one new entity makes it harder to divorce.

I didn't say that at all. I imagine I would have divorced if I had taken his name, or he had taken mine. What difference does that make? What I said is that marriage, like life, is different for everyone. What works for me, or you, or the OP, will likely be different and there is no "one size fits all" version of marriage.  And if "a name were just a name" and of no significance to the people in the relationship, then I would assume that there would be more men willing to change their names to their wives once married.

[deedeezee]

I know a bunch of people will try to tell me I'm wrong. "I'm a woman! I changed my name! It made sense! I'm still a feminist!" Well, don't waste your breath. If there's an issue I will never change my mind about, it's this one.

My definition of feminism is all about choices.

Great!  My definition of feminism has absolutely nothing to do with choice.  I hope my choice to define it my way is OK with you.

I think it is pretty awesome that my post caused you to come out of lurkdom with your first post!?  Bad ass, and totally feminist. So yeah, I totally support you.

[Anatidae V]

We've talked about options for our last names once married. However, we have herlastname = highly unusual but not particularly difficult, and hislastname = a verb (like "Walks"). They also start with the same letter. So if we hyphenate or just mush them together, we get a sentence (Wagner Walks). We've decided to stick with our own names, and discuss the kids names as they arrive. IMarriage means officially becoming family to me, but my cousins don't share my last name, so I don't see why my kids or spouse necessarily should. I'm not going to be offended if I get called Mrs hislastname.

[lifejoy]

Normally I read the thread but I'm going straight to the reply since this is about personal experience. I kept my name. I always knew I would keep my name and for what it's worth my husband's surname is MUCH cooler than mine, like rock star cool. There is a certain personality type in my family, open, chatty, never met a stranger sort of people and my whole life my family always said "Oh, she's such a *surname redacted*!" so I just couldn't imagine that not being my name. I, too, assumed that people would start calling me Mrs. Husband's Surname but that has not been the case. Keeping my name made me realize how infrequently my surname even comes up in my day-to-day life. A lot of my girlfriends kept their names, too and I've never heard any of them comment about it negatively. Now that we have a kid he has his dad's super cool surname and I just don't care at all that I have a different last name than my child. No one questions it at all ever. Maybe if I lived in a more traditional part of the country I'd get comments but that's just speculation.

I can fully relate! I've been such a "*surname redacted*" my whole life, and it has become so much a part of my identity that it would feel strange to remove myself from that. Plus, I think it's cool that me, my mom, and my gramma are all going to be Mrs. Lastname :) I'm really close with them, so this is just extra awesome!


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[Primm]

The first time I got married I was 22. Young and stupid. I changed my name to my husband's name without even thinking about it.

Divorced in 2002 and I changed back to my birth name - it was a messy horrible abusive marriage and the fact that my kids had his name was enough for me. When I got married again in 2008 (to the right person this time - yay!) I didn't change my name. We don't plan on having any more kids so that's not an issue. Husbands name is an adjective that contains a sexual innuendo and he copped A. Lot. of grief about it growing up. He actually said to me that he'd prefer it if I didn't change mine after we were married. Add to that the fact that at nearly 40 my career was established in my name, and that's why I chose not to.

Doesn't stop my mother from addressing mail to me as Mrs. Husbandsname though. Although it's a good tool for weeding out telemarketers. If I answer the phone and get "Is Mrs. Husbandsname there please?" I can honestly answer no. :)

[BarkingSquirrel]

and I KNOW I will eventually/often be referred to as Mrs. His-lastname.

I changed my name, got divorced, changed it back, remarried, but kept my name this time.  People STILL sometimes call me Mrs. Ex's-Name.  And occasionally my current spouse gets Mr. Ex's-Name!   

[firelight]

In my culture, we don't have last names and take the father's first name as the kid's last name. i.e. my dad's first name is my last name and my father-in-law's first name is my husband's last name. My kids will have my husband's first name. So as a family, my kids, husband and I have different last names :) l do answer to Mrs.husband's first or last name and he answers to Mr.my first or last name.... Makes for some fun times at restaurants and govt offices ;)

[firelight]

To add, my mom kept my grand dad's name as her last name even though she answers to my dad's first name too... So I've grown up with different last names for everyone in the family and it makes it easy to know the family tree. The whole concept of keeping their last names to their dad's names is very simple... After all, you can change spouses but can't change dads right?

[Cressida]

I know a bunch of people will try to tell me I'm wrong. "I'm a woman! I changed my name! It made sense! I'm still a feminist!" Well, don't waste your breath. If there's an issue I will never change my mind about, it's this one.

My definition of feminism is all about choices.  I respect the choice to keep, to change, to hyphenate, to put as a middle name, or to create a new name.  My pet peeve is when someone tries to convince me that I am unknowingly perpetuating a system of patriarchal norms and reinforcing a system of gender inequality, all because I changed a few random legal documents.

Oh, what a canard. Making an antifeminist choice is not feminist. Come on.

I specifically said (although you deleted that part) that changing your name ("changing a few random legal documents") would be fine if men and women did it equally. They don't. So *women* changing their names does reinforce patriarchal norms.

[Cressida]

I know a bunch of people will try to tell me I'm wrong. "I'm a woman! I changed my name! It made sense! I'm still a feminist!" Well, don't waste your breath. If there's an issue I will never change my mind about, it's this one.

My definition of feminism is all about choices.

Great!  My definition of feminism has absolutely nothing to do with choice.  I hope my choice to define it my way is OK with you.

bahahahaha +1

[MsRichLife]

I'm getting married next month! Yay! Neither of us are changing our names because we both strongly identify with our respective surnames. However, it makes us scratch our heads when it comes to thinking about our kids' last names, and I KNOW I will eventually/often be referred to as Mrs. His-lastname. Oh well.

What'd you end up doing? Or, what would your gameplan be?

We both kept our own surnames for the same reasons you mentioned. I sometimes get called Mrs Hissurname. He sometimes gets called Mr Hersurname. It hasn't been that big a deal, except when I get called Mrs Hisfirstname Hissurname! I hate that!

Anyway, our son is named C**** Hersurname Hissurname. I'm happy to have my husband's surname for my boy. It is a family name that means a lot to their family (only boy that will carry on that name). I'm not that attached to my family name being passed on and there are plenty of boys in my family who will.

I did want my surname in there somewhere though and we decided not to hyphenate, so his middle name is Hersurname. When my boy gets older he can choose which of his names to use.

MRL

[GuitarStv]

Husbands name is an adjective that contains a sexual innuendo and he copped A. Lot. of grief about it growing up. He actually said to me that he'd prefer it if I didn't change mine after we were married.

All I am imagining is a poor guy named Richard Cockburn.

[KBecks2]

I took my husband's last name.  It's a long last name, and hyphenating would be weird, too many letters.  I did not mind changing names and we are now at 15 years of marriage and I am happy to be Karen newlastname.

Anyway, our kids have the same last name.  With your kids, I would think they should take your husband's last name.  However, people may assume that you and your husband are divorced or separated if they do not know you very well.

Best wishes!

ETA:  For the record, I had a very nice maiden name.  But I like my married name too, the last name is very rare.  My name is my name, always and I am me, none of that has changed, and now my maiden name sounds strange, I am so used to the new one.  You will be OK no matter what. 

[stripey]

Not married (yet) but current conversation with (male) SO is that I (female) won't. If I married someone who really cared about it, I could be persuaded to change my surname but as current SO does not care (and would prefer me to make the decision myself), I would not. I have a career, and have published under my maiden name already. SO's surname is his mother's maiden name, anyway.

[wild wendella]

I'm impressed by the male posters who have changed their last name to match their wives.  I have never met a man who would be willing to do that.  My husband and I were both too stubborn to change our last names, so we have kept our own.  My son has my husband's last name, which I don't really feel is right.  To echo an earlier comment, I suffered through carrying and birthing him, why does he have someone else's last name?! My son does have my last name as a middle name, which seems to be a common thread here.

Cutenila - are you scandinavian?  Tracing my Swedish family tree was indeed fairly simple, because of the last name thing.  Petersdaughter, Olson, Carlsdaughter, etc.  makes it pretty easy to follow the tree.

[deedeezee]

Husbands name is an adjective that contains a sexual innuendo and he copped A. Lot. of grief about it growing up. He actually said to me that he'd prefer it if I didn't change mine after we were married.

All I am imagining is a poor guy named Richard Cockburn.

I know not one, but two, Richard Johnsons.  Both should have changed to their wife's name.  One named his kid "Harrison" and yes, he goes by Harry.

[CommonCents]

I sometimes get called Mrs Hissurname. He sometimes gets called Mr Hersurname. It hasn't been that big a deal, except when I get called Mrs Hisfirstname Hissurname! I hate that!

Regretfully, that's actually considered a "proper" form of address - Ms. Herlastname or Mrs Hisfirstname Hissurname.  Mrs. Hissurname is incorrect.  Drives me a little batty too that that is the case (losing your entire identity to the man!) but so it goes.

With your kids, I would think they should take your husband's last name.  However, people may assume that you and your husband are divorced or separated if they do not know you very well.

While someone may indeed make such an assumption, I think it reflects very poorly on that person making such an assumption in today's modern society.

[rocksinmyhead]

what an interesting thread! I love hearing all the diverse opinions and creative options people come up with. I have thought about this one quite a bit even though I'm not married or engaged (bf and I have been together four years and are planning on it eventually though, so I have a pretty good idea of the last name of the person I'll marry, LOL)

I have a very unique last name that is a pretty big part of my identity. like, has four consonants in a row, no one knows how to spell or pronounce it, my parents had to teach us a song to learn how to spell it when we were little, and probably everyone with that name (at least in Minnesota) is related to me. it's kind of a pain in the ass but mostly I love it, I think it's memorable and I like that. also, my sister, two female cousins, and I are the only ones with this last name in our generation in this branch of the family, so if all of our kids take their dads' last names there won't be any more of us :( which makes me sad.

that said, I personally want my husband, kids, and I to all have the same last name... it just sounds nice and simple to me. bf changing his last name to mine would totally be an option, especially if his name sucked, but honestly his is also super unique/memorable yet ONE MILLION times easier for others to spell and pronounce since it's an actual word. plus it's kind of humorous and I like it. plus, his parents are divorced and his mom is remarried so I would actually be the only Mrs. X in the immediate family, I wouldn't feel like I had the same name as my MIL or something (not like I really care but some people pointed out this might be weird). oh yeah, and hyphenating is NOT an option because that would bring the overall name to 19 letters (plus hyphen) and 7 syllables. LOL that'd be a good one. all that taken into account, I plan on taking his name and taking my maiden name as my middle name (nothing against my middle name but I would just rather hang on to my maiden name).

My reasons were plentiful, but individually fairly weak:
I like having the same last name as him (could have easily been achieved with him taking mine)
I liked the idea of having a new name - purely the novelty of it.
I have a fairly androgynous given name, and think my new name makes me sound like an old-timey sea captain.

this is literally the best reason I've EVER heard for changing/not changing your name!

My surname is Vyce and yes, you pronounce it vice!  We think it's originally from the German 'Weiss' (White), but that's beside the point.

When I married my DW just over two years ago, there was no way I was going to ask her to take my name, but she chose to do so without question.  I didn't think it would bother me one way or the other, but I felt so pleased and proud that she had taken on my family name.  Despite all the jokes/sniggers/awkward attempts at weird pronunciations, it is my family name and DW accepted that willingly along with all my other faults and flaws!

Please name your child 'Miami'.

bahahahahaha!!!

Husbands name is an adjective that contains a sexual innuendo and he copped A. Lot. of grief about it growing up. He actually said to me that he'd prefer it if I didn't change mine after we were married.

All I am imagining is a poor guy named Richard Cockburn.

I know not one, but two, Richard Johnsons.  Both should have changed to their wife's name.  One named his kid "Harrison" and yes, he goes by Harry.

LOL. my boyfriend's dad's name is Richard and their last name is... not as obvious as Cockburn or Johnson but definitely something that could be spun into being penis-related. probably why he goes by Rich and not Dick :)

[Cheddar Stacker]

Not married (yet) but current conversation with (male) SO is that I (female) won't. If I married someone who really cared about it, I could be persuaded to change my surname but as current SO does not care (and would prefer me to make the decision myself), I would not. I have a career, and have published under my maiden name already. SO's surname is his mother's maiden name, anyway.

So this post made me think of same sex couples relative to this thread. Mind explosion. What do they do? Is there a "norm" in the community that most people follow? Anyone with experience in this area care to chime in? I know quite a few people in this community but none of them are legally married (that I know of) so this has never come up in conversation.

[CommonCents]

Not married (yet) but current conversation with (male) SO is that I (female) won't. If I married someone who really cared about it, I could be persuaded to change my surname but as current SO does not care (and would prefer me to make the decision myself), I would not. I have a career, and have published under my maiden name already. SO's surname is his mother's maiden name, anyway.

So this post made me think of same sex couples relative to this thread. Mind explosion. What do they do? Is there a "norm" in the community that most people follow? Anyone with experience in this area care to chime in? I know quite a few people in this community but none of them are legally married (that I know of) so this has never come up in conversation.

I'm not a same sex couple, but, like any couple they debate and discuss it: change to one name, keep the names the same etc.  I'd speculate there may be a small added desire to change to one name (whether a "new" or "old" one) so that they *are* seen publicly as a married couple, depending if that's an issue where they live.  Here in MA, same sex couples are quite accepted, but elsewhere that's not unfortunately always the case.

[Pinkie Mustache]

We chose our own new last name together.  Perhaps you can somehow combine your last names since you are attached to them both.  A friend in school received her mother's maiden name as her middle name.

[ace1224]

I'm not married but if I ever do get married I'm keeping my last name.  I'm too lazy to change it and everything else that goes along with it.  we've been together 11 years, he can get over it =) 
I am always referred to as Mrs. His last name.  our son has his last name.  I actually even made a Hotmail account with his last name just to make school stuff easier for my son's teachers.  they get confused lol. 
I have no problem with going by it, I just lack the motivation to actually you know, do it.

[lizzzi]

My wife didn't change her name and the kids took my name as their last name and her last name as their middle name.    At the time I was more petty and thought it was important, now I sort of regret it.   

Now I sort of wish we could have all just taken a new name.    Neither one of us really likes our families that much and it would be cool to just make a clean break.     I would probably vote for something like batman for our last name.    Or we could go by "The Cools."

I love the idea of picking a totally new family name. The possibilities are endless--I think names related to astronomy are super-cool, especially now that we're in the new millennium. How about the Aldebarans?

[NumberCruncher]

We both kept our names.

We don't have children (and probably won't), but I always thought this was the best solution for kids:

HerMother'sLastName - HisFather'sLastName
(order doesn't matter)

So, if a Cohen-Smith married a Jones-Gonzales, the resulting last name would be some combination of the two, like Cohen-Jones. Equal treatment of both last names. You might even have a completely different last name if there are two women marrying and they want to use their mothers' maiden names.

It's hyphenated, but it will only ever be two names. I grew up with such a hyphenated name, as well, and was always asked "what would you do if you married someone with a hyphenated last name too!!?" so I've had time to think of this.

There are certainly cases where you wouldn't want to do this (bad/abusive relationship with parents where you want to distance yourself), but it is egalitarian.

[Spartana]

Not married (yet) but current conversation with (male) SO is that I (female) won't. If I married someone who really cared about it, I could be persuaded to change my surname but as current SO does not care (and would prefer me to make the decision myself), I would not. I have a career, and have published under my maiden name already. SO's surname is his mother's maiden name, anyway.

So this post made me think of same sex couples relative to this thread. Mind explosion. What do they do? Is there a "norm" in the community that most people follow? Anyone with experience in this area care to chime in? I know quite a few people in this community but none of them are legally married (that I know of) so this has never come up in conversation.

I'm not a same sex couple, but, like any couple they debate and discuss it: change to one name, keep the names the same etc.  I'd speculate there may be a small added desire to change to one name (whether a "new" or "old" one) so that they *are* seen publicly as a married couple, depending if that's an issue where they live.  Here in MA, same sex couples are quite accepted, but elsewhere that's not unfortunately always the case.

They may also want to take one name (same name from whatever source) as a way to make a statement to society as well as to be viewed publicly as married. Being that there is no "tradition" for this, if I was to speculate, I'd say most would probably keep their own names or maybe hyphenate. The order (who's name is first, who's name is second) is probably a toss-up and dependent on the individuals wants and desires. Probably a lot easier discussion between spouses then in a hetero marriage being that "traditionally" women took their husbands name (rather then the reverse) if they didn't keep their own (and most hyphenate with the hubby as the last name it seems) and many women no longer want to do this but some men may still expect it. I wonder how much a future spouses expectations about the name-thing is an important indicator of how the roles in the marriage will be defined in many cases - traditional or non-traditional gender roles.  My hub had zero desire for me to change my name (and vise versa) and we had a very non-traditional marriage and lifestyle.  I couldn't imagine marrying someone who expected me to change my name to his just because it was...tradition.

[Cassie]

I don't think it really matters until you have kids. Then call me old fashioned but I think they should take dad's last name. doing the hyphen causes a ton of problems for kids.  Just too long a name & too much trouble getting it entered into computers correctly, etc.

[MsRichLife]

So this post made me think of same sex couples relative to this thread. Mind explosion. What do they do? Is there a "norm" in the community that most people follow? Anyone with experience in this area care to chime in? I know quite a few people in this community but none of them are legally married (that I know of) so this has never come up in conversation.

Friends of mine are in this situation. One partner kept his name (career man who isn't 'out' at work). Other partner hyphenated his name to include both their surnames and I think their daughter got the hyphenated version for her surname. The two names work very well together, so it's not too cumbersome.

[Daisy]

Interesting discussion. In Spanish language cultures, the norm is for a woman to keep her last name and add "de <husband's last name>" to her name. The children then take the father's and mother's paternal last names and end up with a two-name last name.

When my parents came to the US, it was a big confusion as the US only allows one last name on forms and such. My mom ended up dropping her maiden name and was using my father's compound last name (from his mother and father). But the father's paternal last name goes first, so then it looks like a middle name. They had a lot of confusion with credit cards and such since some came with one last name, and others with the other last name.

I was born under my father's father's last name, but then when we were children my parents legally changed our last names to my father's mother's last name as it wasn't so common. He was getting confused with others' identity because his father's last name is very common. But in reality, they should have changed our last names to be my mother's maiden name, as that would have been the case in a Spanish speaking country.

What a mess. So in my culture, it is very common to see compound last names and it has nothing to do with feminism or anything as it is just the way things are done.

Also, it is common to have multiple middle names. An uncle of mine had like three middle names in order to honor all of his grandparents. It makes for some really long names - sometimes the longer the better. Funny thing is that in the Spanish language culture it is very common to shorten long names to little itty bitty nicknames that have nothing to do with your real name. Like Maria becomes Nena or something like that. Jose becomes Pepe. I had an uncle known as Flaco (means skinny) just because he was skinny, but his real name was nothing even close to that.

Check this out:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spanish_naming_customs

In Spain, upon marrying, a woman does not change her surname. In some instances, such as high society meetings, and with no legal value, the husband's surname can be added after the woman's surnames using the preposition de. One Leocadia Blanco Álvarez, married to a Pedro Pérez Montilla, may be addressed as Leocadia Blanco de Pérez or as Leocadia Blanco Álvarez de Pérez. This format is not used in everyday settings and has no legal value.

In chapter V, part 2 of Don Quixote (1605, 1615), Teresa Panza reminds her husband Sancho that, properly, she should be addressed as Teresa Cascajo, by her surname, not her marital surname: “Teresa I was named in baptism, a clean and short name, without addings or embellishments, or furnishings of dons and dans; ‘Cascajo’ was my father; and I, as your wife, am called ‘Teresa Panza’, but laws are executed”.

[Cressida]

With your kids, I would think they should take your husband's last name. 

Why?

[Cressida]

We both kept our names.

We don't have children (and probably won't), but I always thought this was the best solution for kids:

HerMother'sLastName - HisFather'sLastName
(order doesn't matter)

So, if a Cohen-Smith married a Jones-Gonzales, the resulting last name would be some combination of the two, like Cohen-Jones. Equal treatment of both last names. You might even have a completely different last name if there are two women marrying and they want to use their mothers' maiden names.

It's hyphenated, but it will only ever be two names. I grew up with such a hyphenated name, as well, and was always asked "what would you do if you married someone with a hyphenated last name too!!?" so I've had time to think of this.

There are certainly cases where you wouldn't want to do this (bad/abusive relationship with parents where you want to distance yourself), but it is egalitarian.

Totally agree. This is the best solution. Because it's egalitarian.

[Mark31]

We’ve both got our last names, although we’re not actually married. I only have one friend who changed her name, but she didn’t like her family and her husband has an awesome surname. (Most of my friends who are married all had visa/passport pressures in that direction.) I don’t mind being accidentally called Mr. herlastname, it’s not like I don’t know what they mean.

I don’t like hyphenated, because I don’t think it’s an elegant long-term solution, it’s just kicking the can down the road for decisions to their children. Are they going to have kids called Timmy Smith-Jones-Green-Brown? I doubt it, and they’ll end up choosing their favourite anyway.

Our boys have my name and any girls will have my partner’s surname. As for other names, the first one is one we like, and the middle name is a dead relative, but we have to like both the name and the relative. Yes my partner’s last name is her Dad’s name, but she identifies with it, and you’ve got to start a matrilineal line somewhere.

I find changing your name a little weird, but not as weird as joint email addresses. But people are allowed to be weird.

[Sunflower]

Our boys have my name and any girls will have my partner’s surname. As for other names, the first one is one we like, and the middle name is a dead relative, but we have to like both the name and the relative. Yes my partner’s last name is her Dad’s name, but she identifies with it, and you’ve got to start a matrilineal line somewhere.

Maybe we could start matrilineal lines the same way a lot of the (European) patriarchal lines were started - either by profession or mother's identity!! My kids' last name could be Chemist (a la "Smith" and "Barber") or Laurason/Stacyson/Emilydaugter (a la "Johnson" and "Robertson")

[jugglingcontinents]

With your kids, I would think they should take your husband's last name. 

Why?

+1

[GuitarStv]

Our boys have my name and any girls will have my partner’s surname. As for other names, the first one is one we like, and the middle name is a dead relative, but we have to like both the name and the relative. Yes my partner’s last name is her Dad’s name, but she identifies with it, and you’ve got to start a matrilineal line somewhere.

Maybe we could start matrilineal lines the same way a lot of the (European) patriarchal lines were started - either by profession or mother's identity!! My kids' last name could be Chemist (a la "Smith" and "Barber") or Laurason/Stacyson/Emilydaugter (a la "Johnson" and "Robertson")

So if you're financially independent would you have to go with loafer or layabout?

[rocksinmyhead]

We both kept our names.

We don't have children (and probably won't), but I always thought this was the best solution for kids:

HerMother'sLastName - HisFather'sLastName
(order doesn't matter)

So, if a Cohen-Smith married a Jones-Gonzales, the resulting last name would be some combination of the two, like Cohen-Jones. Equal treatment of both last names. You might even have a completely different last name if there are two women marrying and they want to use their mothers' maiden names.

It's hyphenated, but it will only ever be two names. I grew up with such a hyphenated name, as well, and was always asked "what would you do if you married someone with a hyphenated last name too!!?" so I've had time to think of this.

There are certainly cases where you wouldn't want to do this (bad/abusive relationship with parents where you want to distance yourself), but it is egalitarian.

Totally agree. This is the best solution. Because it's egalitarian.

yeah BUT you always have the problem of super long names!!! in my case our kids would have a six syllable, sixteen letter last name. my grandkids would have it even worse if theirs included my maiden name (hope I'm understanding the system correctly). sure, it sounds like a good idea when it's "Cohen-Jones," but when you get into the territory of Montgomery-Wieckowski... I just don't think anyone wants to deal with that. LOL. at least I wouldn't.

I find changing your name a little weird, but not as weird as joint email addresses. But people are allowed to be weird.

yeah, and joint Facebook accounts... so weird! give each other some privacy!

[iris lily]

I find changing your name a little weird, but not as weird as joint email addresses. But people are allowed to be weird.

yeah, and joint Facebook accounts... so weird! give each other some privacy!

I have joint email with DH. I'm sure it's annoying when we send out a message and don't sign it, and the recipient doesn't know if it is me or him who is sending it. I'd be annoyed by that, I need to know who is at the other end of the communication. But I always put my name at the bottom of emails or at least I try to do that.  DH doesn't always do that.

It also keeps things on the up and up when getting emails from old boyfriends.  :)

[sheepstache]

[fallstoclimb]

I kept my name.  This was something I felt extremely strongly about, and DH had no issue with it (I mean, if he did, I wouldn't have married him!).  I find the historical reasons behind name changes very troubling and am not clear on how people can just ignore that today.  More of my friends keep their names than change them, to the point where I'm really surprised when someone takes their husbands name.  All the women I know who have gotten divorced tell me I'm very smart to keep my last name, although I hope I never have that reason to be grateful I did!

I actually feel disappointed when women change their last name, but I do think this is too judgmental of me and am working on it.

I expected to be called "Mrs HubLastName" a bunch, but I actually think its only ever happened when we've been invited to weddings and they don't know how else to fit our names into their formal template. 

We probably won't have kids, but if we do I think I'll probably let them have my husbands last name, because thats what everyone would expect, and I don't really care.  I'd probably give them my last name as a middle name.  If we had a second kid (which definitely won't happen), I might give it my last name.  People think its super weird for siblings to not have the same last name, but its really fine.  Just do what's best for you. 

[CommonCents]

With your kids, I would think they should take your husband's last name. 

Why?

+1

+2

I find changing your name a little weird, but not as weird as joint email addresses. But people are allowed to be weird.

Yeah my sister has that with her husband.  I'm not a fan.  I want to know who I'm talking to on gmail, or be able to send something re surprises or personal info to one and not the other.  I had shared email passwords with two of my longer term exes (which was interesting when the ex that cheated on me on business trip didn't change it immediately after we broke up), although I don't have it for my husband and it's just fine.

[tmac]

I find changing your name a little weird, but not as weird as joint email addresses. But people are allowed to be weird.

Yeah my sister has that with her husband.  I'm not a fan.  I want to know who I'm talking to on gmail, or be able to send something re surprises or personal info to one and not the other.  I had shared email passwords with two of my longer term exes (which was interesting when the ex that cheated on me on business trip didn't change it immediately after we broke up), although I don't have it for my husband and it's just fine.

We have separate email addresses (because to share would be icky), but we do each have full access to both accounts. It's mostly because we work together and it makes it easier to look up email that we need for that purpose, but honestly, I'm glad he has full access to my personal emails. His ex-wife was chronically unfaithful, and I'm glad for him to have the reassurance that I'm not hiding anything. (I could have a secret email account if I wanted one, I guess, but he's an IT admin and could get access if he was worried.)

[Daleth]

Our boys have my name and any girls will have my partner’s surname. As for other names, the first one is one we like, and the middle name is a dead relative, but we have to like both the name and the relative. Yes my partner’s last name is her Dad’s name, but she identifies with it, and you’ve got to start a matrilineal line somewhere.

Maybe we could start matrilineal lines the same way a lot of the (European) patriarchal lines were started - either by profession or mother's identity!! My kids' last name could be Chemist (a la "Smith" and "Barber") or Laurason/Stacyson/Emilydaugter (a la "Johnson" and "Robertson")

So if you're financially independent would you have to go with loafer or layabout?

No, then your name would be Mustachio. Or maybe Mustachia for the girls.

[NumberCruncher]

We both kept our names.

We don't have children (and probably won't), but I always thought this was the best solution for kids:

HerMother'sLastName - HisFather'sLastName
(order doesn't matter)

So, if a Cohen-Smith married a Jones-Gonzales, the resulting last name would be some combination of the two, like Cohen-Jones. Equal treatment of both last names. You might even have a completely different last name if there are two women marrying and they want to use their mothers' maiden names.

It's hyphenated, but it will only ever be two names. I grew up with such a hyphenated name, as well, and was always asked "what would you do if you married someone with a hyphenated last name too!!?" so I've had time to think of this.

There are certainly cases where you wouldn't want to do this (bad/abusive relationship with parents where you want to distance yourself), but it is egalitarian.

Totally agree. This is the best solution. Because it's egalitarian.

yeah BUT you always have the problem of super long names!!! in my case our kids would have a six syllable, sixteen letter last name. my grandkids would have it even worse if theirs included my maiden name (hope I'm understanding the system correctly). sure, it sounds like a good idea when it's "Cohen-Jones," but when you get into the territory of Montgomery-Wieckowski... I just don't think anyone wants to deal with that. LOL. at least I wouldn't.

It can be cumbersome - I have a 13 letter last name, for instance - but it can have its advantages. If you google my name, you get links just about me, even though I don't have a lot of notoriety. Unless you have a criminal record or something, this can be really good for employment. My husband, on the other hand, has a short, common name.

After you're out of standardized testing age, there aren't too many downsides. I like my long name. :)

EDIT: Forgot about looking up names on lists - if you go to an event, you can spot your name on a list really easily. :D

[rocksinmyhead]

We both kept our names.

We don't have children (and probably won't), but I always thought this was the best solution for kids:

HerMother'sLastName - HisFather'sLastName
(order doesn't matter)

So, if a Cohen-Smith married a Jones-Gonzales, the resulting last name would be some combination of the two, like Cohen-Jones. Equal treatment of both last names. You might even have a completely different last name if there are two women marrying and they want to use their mothers' maiden names.

It's hyphenated, but it will only ever be two names. I grew up with such a hyphenated name, as well, and was always asked "what would you do if you married someone with a hyphenated last name too!!?" so I've had time to think of this.

There are certainly cases where you wouldn't want to do this (bad/abusive relationship with parents where you want to distance yourself), but it is egalitarian.

Totally agree. This is the best solution. Because it's egalitarian.

yeah BUT you always have the problem of super long names!!! in my case our kids would have a six syllable, sixteen letter last name. my grandkids would have it even worse if theirs included my maiden name (hope I'm understanding the system correctly). sure, it sounds like a good idea when it's "Cohen-Jones," but when you get into the territory of Montgomery-Wieckowski... I just don't think anyone wants to deal with that. LOL. at least I wouldn't.

It can be cumbersome - I have a 13 letter last name, for instance - but it can have its advantages. If you google my name, you get links just about me, even though I don't have a lot of notoriety. Unless you have a criminal record or something, this can be really good for employment. My husband, on the other hand, has a short, common name.

After you're out of standardized testing age, there aren't too many downsides. I like my long name. :)

EDIT: Forgot about looking up names on lists - if you go to an event, you can spot your name on a list really easily. :D

oh, I hear ya. I have an 11-letter unusual last name and I too am the only "me" that pops up on Google even though I haven't done anything special (and I do like that). I like my long name too. just thinking it might start to get kind of extreme, like imagine if our last names ended up combined... a 24-letter last name!  yikes! but maybe it's just me and I'm lazy :)

[NumberCruncher]

oh, I hear ya. I have an 11-letter unusual last name and I too am the only "me" that pops up on Google even though I haven't done anything special (and I do like that). I like my long name too. just thinking it might start to get kind of extreme, like imagine if our last names ended up combined... a 24-letter last name!  yikes! but maybe it's just me and I'm lazy :)

Ah, but in my naming system, one of my last names would go away, leaving us with an 18-letter last name. Still really long, mind you, but not 24.