Married people: did you change your name? Why or why not? And how did you name your kids?

[MrsPotts]

Mr Potts and I hypenated together...(so we are the Missus-Pottes).  Our brat has the same name as her parents.  BTW...she hates her hyphen. 

[Cressida]

Modern Feminism = Making yourself miserable in an attempt to prove a point to someone that's not even paying attention.

This should make your heads explode. I am a woman and married another woman. We both kept our own last names. We are both in the military, and both come from military families with a distinctive name. Her father was given his mother's last name instead, due to her family's continued military service and perceived strength of the name. He went on to serve in Vietnam.

I don't know if I could change my name, since it has practically become my first name for the last 5 years. All my nicknames are based on it. Every story about me involves it, it is how everyone from my childhood knows me besides my first name. It is written on my uniforms and my awards. There are only a few of us back home, and there is a very good reputation and tradition I have followed.

Sure I "like" her name. I'd definitely have a nicer sounding and pronounceable name if I took her last name. Her family name is just as honorable as mine. But why the hell should any of that make me get rid of my own name? Would you say I am I part of the "feminist police" now? Why can't a woman married to a man make the exact same decision as I did without stupid criticism?

Agree 100%, T-Rex. And if I have a beef with feminism, it's that it hasn't done a good enough job defending its good name against unfounded straw men like the one proposed by BlueMR2, who apparently does not know any actual feminists.

[goodlife]

I will not be changing my name. The name changing thing is anyways just something that is practiced in a few European countries and certain sectors of the US population. A lot of places in the world don't do this. I wouldn't change my name because where I live in the world, that would confuse the heck out of people...as in I don't think anyone would find me on the work internet network anymore. Also it would be a crazy bureaucratic hassle given I have assets, property and bank accounts in multiple countries...not to mention multiple citizenships. I don't think this has anything to do with family unity, probably way more than 50% of the world population don't practice this and they get along just fine. The feminist in me is really opposed to the name change thing, but of course it is everyone's personal choice and I respect that 100%. And I also know men who changed their last name to that of their wife for purely practical purposes or because their last name was something weird.

Regarding children, we don't have any yet, but when we do, they will either get both names like in Spain and some South American countries or they will take only my husband's name simply for practical reasons: his last name is much easier to pronounce in any language, it is shorter and it is at the beginning of the alphabet. As a child I always hated it that I was one of the last ones to be called up for anything because my last name is towards the end of the alphabet.

[KBecks2]

I think this conversation is getting silly.  As for the historical record,  I guess that once I've died, I don't care anymore.  LOL.  Seriously.

I worry about whether my descendants are good people, not what names they have.  Researchers can do the research and figure it out.  There are records for these things.  It's all on Facebook now and preserved in digital.

Your name is not important.  Who you are is important.  Who you are is not all that much to do with your name.  You are your values and actions.

I don't care a great deal with people do with their names.  Earlier I said that if a child and mother and father have different names, it may seem to people who don't know therm well that they have divorce in the family.  The reason why is that around half of marriages end in divorce, so it is a common situation.  However, who cares what people think.  Use the names you like.  It doesn't matter that much at all.

I chose my husband's last name, our kids have the same last name and I like it, we are on the same team.  It's easy.  Anyone can choose what they like, and I like that we have the freedom to do that. 

[rocksinmyhead]

Not to totally nerd-out on this but Martha's birth name was Martha Wayles Skelton.  Under "my" system, she would have kept it and her daughter Patsy would be Patsy Skelton, daughter of Thomas Jefferson and Martha Skelton (in day-to-day conversation, the family could be referred to as either Jefferson or Skelton.  Who cares?). 

Patsy married Thomas Randolph but she remained Patsy Skelton.  Let's say they had one son, James Randolph and one daughter, Abigail Skelton.   In generation three and subsequently, new names might be added as James marries Harriet Paige and Abigail marries Richard Carter, but the names Randolph and Skelton don't disappear.  They're easily tracked in the record as direct descendants of the Jefferson-Skelton union.

Even 200 years later, in 2014, many of Tom & Martha's female descendants would be named Skelton and male descendants would be Randolph (in addition to the Paiges and Carters, etc).

Edited to add:  Your concern is that only male descendants would be prominently known but I don't think so.  "Skelton" would be paired with "Jefferson" forevermore.  Imagine if, six generations after TJ's death, his daughter Katherine Skelton became president and then four generations after that, Katherine's descendant, Elizabeth Skelton was born and brought up in a world where everyone knew of the Jefferson-Skelton connection and the historic significance of that family.  That's pretty cool.   Martha Skelton, the matriarch of a great family, would still echo in our collective historical memory.  That's the kind of respect I'd like to see our culture give to women.   [geek moment over]

you pretty much just blew my mind, TrulyStashin. never, ever, ever thought about it like this. thanks!

Martha Jefferson's birthname was Martha Wayles. Skelton was from her first husband Bathurst Skelton (Bathurst is about due for a comeback imo).

hahaha omg yes!

[zinnie]

I didn't change my name when I got married. Honestly the only time it even came up was when we were about to get married and afterwards, explaining to family. Since then I have never thought twice about it and no one has asked. We get wedding invitations and mail with our proper names, no one addresses me by his name, etc. It just doesn't seem to be out of the ordinary anymore.

We are not planning on kids but I like the idea of just alternating. I kept my name because it makes me feel connected to the history of my family--so if we only had one kid it would be a challenge to decide whose name we gave it. 

[Spartana]

  But if I were Queen for a Day, I'd shift us to a cultural default norm where each adult keeps the name they had a birth and children take the name of the same-gender parent.  Simple.   

A dictator by any other name still smells bad. I don't want what I do in my personal life dictated by a woman any more then I want it to be dictated by a man. Or by society at large. No need for any dictates or default positions on this at all. If I had kids I might want to name my son after my birth name, or my daughter after my DH's birth name, and don't want to have to deal with the social pressure to conform to some ordained "default" position.

Oh yeah ...Bathurst - definetly would want to use that name for the first name of all my kids (not that I'll be having any but if I did...)

[TrulyStashin]

  But if I were Queen for a Day, I'd shift us to a cultural default norm where each adult keeps the name they had a birth and children take the name of the same-gender parent.  Simple.   

A dictator by any other name still smells bad. I [.....] don't want to have to deal with the social pressure to conform to some ordained "default" position.

Well, I was being  little tongue in cheek when I wrote that.  But, seriously, last time I checked, we all live in this thing called "society" and societies create cultural norms to order the world.  Do you have a proposal for how we stop the creation of social norms?  I don't think that's possible.  Maybe you're going to go off by yourself and live in a Lockeian state of nature, but the rest of us will continue to live in this society.

We might as well have a naming norm that is equitable to both women and men.

PS to wepner -- good catch!  I'd forgotten that.

[Spartana]

  But if I were Queen for a Day, I'd shift us to a cultural default norm where each adult keeps the name they had a birth and children take the name of the same-gender parent.  Simple.   

A dictator by any other name still smells bad. I [.....] don't want to have to deal with the social pressure to conform to some ordained "default" position.

Well, I was being  little tongue in cheek when I wrote that.  But, seriously, last time I checked, we all live in this thing called "society" and societies create cultural norms to order the world.  Do you have a proposal for how we stop the creation of social norms?  I don't think that's possible.  Maybe you're going to go off by yourself and live in a Lockeian state of nature, but the rest of us will continue to live in this society.

We might as well have a naming norm that is equitable to both women and men.

PS to wepner -- good catch!  I'd forgotten that.

I guess I don't see your proposed default as equitable. It still defines who should take what name when there doesn't need to be a definition because I don't see the need for there to be a social "norm" for the naming thing. It's a social thing sure, but it only becomes a norm if practiced by many people because...well that's what everyone does. The social norm should be that everyone just chooses what works for them within their own families.

[CommonCents]

  But if I were Queen for a Day, I'd shift us to a cultural default norm where each adult keeps the name they had a birth and children take the name of the same-gender parent.  Simple.   

A dictator by any other name still smells bad. I [.....] don't want to have to deal with the social pressure to conform to some ordained "default" position.

Well, I was being  little tongue in cheek when I wrote that.  But, seriously, last time I checked, we all live in this thing called "society" and societies create cultural norms to order the world.  Do you have a proposal for how we stop the creation of social norms?  I don't think that's possible.  Maybe you're going to go off by yourself and live in a Lockeian state of nature, but the rest of us will continue to live in this society.

We might as well have a naming norm that is equitable to both women and men.

PS to wepner -- good catch!  I'd forgotten that.

I guess I don't see your proposed default as equitable. It still defines who should take what name when there doesn't need to be a definition because I don't see the need for there to be a social "norm" for the naming thing. It's a social thing sure, but it only becomes a norm if practiced by many people because...well that's what everyone does. The social norm should be that everyone just chooses what works for them within their own families.

I don't think she's serious about Queen for a day.  I see it more as wishing the social norm were different and more equitable to woman, than that she *actually* wants to force a 50/50 change on people.  I wish it were more equitable too.  I wish more woman *choose* to keep their names or pass them on to their kids.  But wishing it's more equitable is different from forcing people to do something.  I believe in the choice of woman to choose - but I also will try to sway people to why my side is the right side, just as I would for any discussion. 

[Cressida]

Your name is not important.

Just because you say it, doesn't make it true.

[Spartana]

  But if I were Queen for a Day, I'd shift us to a cultural default norm where each adult keeps the name they had a birth and children take the name of the same-gender parent.  Simple.   

A dictator by any other name still smells bad. I [.....] don't want to have to deal with the social pressure to conform to some ordained "default" position.

Well, I was being  little tongue in cheek when I wrote that.  But, seriously, last time I checked, we all live in this thing called "society" and societies create cultural norms to order the world.  Do you have a proposal for how we stop the creation of social norms?  I don't think that's possible.  Maybe you're going to go off by yourself and live in a Lockeian state of nature, but the rest of us will continue to live in this society.

We might as well have a naming norm that is equitable to both women and men.

PS to wepner -- good catch!  I'd forgotten that.

I guess I don't see your proposed default as equitable. It still defines who should take what name when there doesn't need to be a definition because I don't see the need for there to be a social "norm" for the naming thing. It's a social thing sure, but it only becomes a norm if practiced by many people because...well that's what everyone does. The social norm should be that everyone just chooses what works for them within their own families.

I don't think she's serious about Queen for a day.  I see it more as wishing the social norm were different and more equitable to woman, than that she *actually* wants to force a 50/50 change on people.  I wish it were more equitable too.  I wish more woman *choose* to keep their names or pass them on to their kids.  But wishing it's more equitable is different from forcing people to do something.  I believe in the choice of woman to choose - but I also will try to sway people to why my side is the right side, just as I would for any discussion.

I knew she was joking and it was tongue in cheek. Mine was sort of too (although my "Supreme Overlord ...er...Overlady of the Entire Earth" does trump Queen for a day :-)!!). I just feel that equality goes for both genders. Meaning you create laws so that everyone is equal and has equal rights, and then let people decide what they want for themselves and their partner and family within that framework. I assume that all adult women and men are capable of making their own rational choices about their relationships much better then I would could make for them. And I further assume that all women are strong and fully capable of asserting their last name desires to their partner - and visa versa - and working it out between themselves equably. It's should be just like it is with first names. There is no legal or cultural norm to naming your children (Apple and Bathurst being two nifty choices :-)!) and it's decided and agreed upon by the partners. I just think that's how it should be with a last name as well. But, as we see by this thread, everyone has their own view of that.

[rubybeth]

Just bringing this up because we've moved into the realm of the theoretical and historical, but why is it a cultural norm to change names at all? Where did this originate, and why is it the norm in some cultures but not others? Why do people have the urge to change their name, or think that's a good idea? Why do some young women grow up writing their crush's name with their own like, "Mrs. Beth McIntyre" (for those not into NKOTB:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_McIntyre)? Why do some of us feel strongly (as my husband did) that we share the same name after marriage?

I don't have answers to these questions, but just food for thought. I think my husband and I were both partially influenced by having strong family ties and family-related identities. I am very much part of my family, love spending time with them, identify strongly as one of them, am recognized regularly for being related to them, etc. and so giving up my name would have been giving up a very strong component of my personal identity. And the same went for my husband. He was raised by his mother and grandmother, who share a last name (so he is carrying on his mother's name and not his father's), and his aunts and uncles were also a big influence on him, so while he was willing to give up his name in favor of mine, he also preferred to keep his. By combining names, we both kept those identities and I think both families were happy that we kept our own names and added each others'. It's non-traditional, as well, and we don't mind standing out, so while others may prefer the simplicity of one name, we embrace it and will talk about it with anyone who asks--a cashier at a drive-through recently asked me about it after seeing my credit card, and I answered all of her questions. :)

[Philociraptor]

Another vote here: got married a couple months ago, wife did not change her name. She was thinking of hyphenating but I thought "Pham-Gonzales" sounded weird. Plus, feminism; I would feel like I was stealing her power / independence.

[rubybeth]

Another vote here: got married a couple months ago, wife did not change her name. She was thinking of hyphenating but I thought "Pham-Gonzales" sounded weird. Plus, feminism; I would feel like I was stealing her power / independence.

Why does it sound weird? Anything you hear the first time might sound weird, but after you hear it 1,000 times, it's no big deal. And why didn't you change your name to hers? I'm not picking on you specifically, but I'm curious.

[Philociraptor]

Another vote here: got married a couple months ago, wife did not change her name. She was thinking of hyphenating but I thought "Pham-Gonzales" sounded weird. Plus, feminism; I would feel like I was stealing her power / independence.

Why does it sound weird? Anything you hear the first time might sound weird, but after you hear it 1,000 times, it's no big deal. And why didn't you change your name to hers? I'm not picking on you specifically, but I'm curious.

Hard to explain why something "sounds weird", it's more of a feeling. And I'm rather attached to my name as it is, it's how I'm known personally, professionally, etc. Too much hassle.

[EK]

My husband and I have been finally discussing this in earnest after being married over a year because we are thinking about starting to try for a baby.

He loves his name and feels it connects him to his father, who died very suddenly a couple years ago. I like my name (not obsessed with it, but it's always served me well), and I've never wanted to change to my husbands name because the history of the tradition really seems wrong and I refuse to be a part of it. BUT I really wanted us to have a family name because my family with my husband and hopefully our baby is the most important thing in the world to me. So we considered two options- an unwieldy hyphenation (Rxxxxxxxxx-Sxxxxxx) or changing both last names to a new one. My husband though is ultimately too attached to his name for us to both ditch our last names and get a new one, so unwieldy hyphenation it is. Neither of us are legally changing to the hyphenated name (just adopting it for every day use), but any future kids will be getting the double last name.

[TrulyStashin]

Just bringing this up because we've moved into the realm of the theoretical and historical, but why is it a cultural norm to change names at all? Where did this originate, and why is it the norm in some cultures but not others?

It originated from the Western European/ British legal system called "coverture."  For most of Western history, up until the early 20th century when the sufferage movement finally gained traction, the moment a woman married she ceased to exist, legally speaking.    She could not have a job; own property; testify in court; have custody of her children; sign contracts; or vote (this list varied depending on time/ place, but that's the gist of it). If widowed, a male relative took custody of all assets/ children and managed/ mismanaged them on her behalf. 

Legally, the wife's identity became that of the husband, as if she disappeared.  Thus "Mrs. Bathurst Skelton" instead of "Martha Wayles"  or even "Martha Wayles Skelton."

And, that's why I hate it.

[DeepEllumStache]

I went to a bunch of weddings one summer and every single one of them introduced the new married couple as Mr. and Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName

I'm open minded to how people want to handle the name deal but that gave me twitches every time.

[NumberCruncher]

I went to a bunch of weddings one summer and every single one of them introduced the new married couple as Mr. and Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName

I'm open minded to how people want to handle the name deal but that gave me twitches every time.

Wait, did they hyphenate? Or did they just not change their names? What was twitch-worthy?

If they didn't change their names (or, well, in any case) they could be announced as "The happy couple" or "the newlyweds" or something generic.

[DeepEllumStache]

I went to a bunch of weddings one summer and every single one of them introduced the new married couple as Mr. and Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName

I'm open minded to how people want to handle the name deal but that gave me twitches every time.

Wait, did they hyphenate? Or did they just not change their names? What was twitch-worthy?

If they didn't change their names (or, well, in any case) they could be announced as "The happy couple" or "the newlyweds" or something generic.

I think they meant at the end of the wedding where they go:
"Here's Mr & Mrs. John Smith"

Kind of a pet peeve of mine too though I don't verbally complain. I'm not "Mrs. Dear Husband" I'm "Mrs. Maigahane Husband"

Yes, announcing them as a new entity using the new husband's first name as if her first name didn't matter at all now that they got married.

[NumberCruncher]

Yes, announcing them as a new entity using the new husband's first name as if her first name didn't matter at all now that they got married.

Oh, gotcha!  I totally misread that.

That is annoying.

[JoyBlogette]

I'm getting married next month! Yay! Neither of us are changing our names because we both strongly identify with our respective surnames. However, it makes us scratch our heads when it comes to thinking about our kids' last names, and I KNOW I will eventually/often be referred to as Mrs. His-lastname. Oh well.

Have you decided if you're going to keep your name or make a change?

[rubybeth]

I'm getting married next month! Yay! Neither of us are changing our names because we both strongly identify with our respective surnames. However, it makes us scratch our heads when it comes to thinking about our kids' last names, and I KNOW I will eventually/often be referred to as Mrs. His-lastname. Oh well.

Have you decided if you're going to keep your name or make a change?

Yeah, have you? And, just correct people when they call you Mrs. Hislastname. I correct people all the time, and they learn. :)

[MicroRN]

I don't have  problem if women WANT to change their name to their spouse's name when they get married.  I understand wanting a consistent family name, although it's not something that matters to me.    The big issue I have is that I'm still running across couples in my generation who don't really think there's an alternative, and that bothers me.

We were sorting out my husband's last name with a company after he changed it, and the early twenties clerk thought it was the law that women had to change their name to the husband's name. 

I've also had several friends who did not want to change their name, but got so much pressure from their S.O. and families that they caved, and that's just not ok.  One changed her last name to her middle, then took her spouse's last name.  She never adjusted to it though, and goes by both last names, unhyphenated (like Sarah Smith Williamson).  Another one is still resentful about it four years later - I've tried to point out that she could change her name back, but she doesn't want to upset her husband.  Personally, if my husband had tried to insist that I change my name, I would have broken off the engagement, because it would be a sign that we had fundamentally different worldviews. 

[SisterX]

Personally, if my husband had tried to insist that I change my name, I would have broken off the engagement, because it would be a sign that we had fundamentally different worldviews.

This.  Exactly this.  I changed my last name because I wanted to.  My husband told me to do what I wanted.  If he'd tried to force the issue, I'm not sure it would have been a total deal-breaker, but we're both stubborn enough that it probably would have ended up that way.

As for the person who thought it was the law that women have to change their names, dear lord!  That gets a facepalm from me.  I hope you educated the shit out of him or her.

[Helvegen]

I didn't do it. I didn't see any reason why to bother. Kid got my last name, it was what my husband wanted and I didn't care either way. It does confuse people though. Without further information, they tend to assume my husband is not the father or that our kid's last name is his last name. Other than that, there has never been an issue.

[soccerluvof4]

seems like way to much angst over something that people have plenty of choices they can make as with most things in life.  Maybe I am being to simplistic but if you and your partner cant come to an agreement on your name/baby's name then perhaps you have bigger issues around the corner.  If my wife didn't want my name I doubt I wouldn't of married her because of it. I fell in love with the person not her name. Sure I would like her to have my last name for all of us to have the same name and sure my daughter I would like to have her carry my name even though I have 3 sons but I wouldn't try to talk her out of it or disown her if she didn't.  She's my daughter.

[BlueMR2]

Modern Feminism = Making yourself miserable in an attempt to prove a point to someone that's not even paying attention.

This should make your heads explode.

Agree 100%, T-Rex. And if I have a beef with feminism, it's that it hasn't done a good enough job defending its good name against unfounded straw men like the one proposed by BlueMR2, who apparently does not know any actual feminists.

No head explosion.  I'm happy you're being true to yourself, as I believe you should be.  No clue why you think that would be a problem for me?

Only modern feminists I know are the bloggers who seem to be universally set on abusing themselves for no good reason.  They're doing it wrong.  You're doing it right.  If you believe modern feminism is something different, you'd better get out there an publish as your beliefs don't even register on the blogosphere.

[Cressida]

Only modern feminists I know are the bloggers who seem to be universally set on abusing themselves for no good reason.

Who are these people?

[ichangedmyname]

I wish I changed my name because my MIL and I have the same first name and now we have the same first and last names, live in the same place AND work at the same place. It would have been nice to keep name to avoid all the confusion.

[lifejoy]

I'm getting married next month! Yay! Neither of us are changing our names because we both strongly identify with our respective surnames. However, it makes us scratch our heads when it comes to thinking about our kids' last names, and I KNOW I will eventually/often be referred to as Mrs. His-lastname. Oh well.

Have you decided if you're going to keep your name or make a change?

Yeah, have you? And, just correct people when they call you Mrs. Hislastname. I correct people all the time, and they learn. :)

This has been a great thread! I'm keeping my name, and everyone around me is fine with it. I'm excited to be Mrs. Libraryjoy, just like my mother and grandmother - women whom I respect and love, very very much! My fiancé is keeping his name, too.

[grantmeaname]

seems like way to much angst over something that people have plenty of choices they can make as with most things in life.

Agreed. OP wrote "why did you make the choice you made", everyone read "why are all people who make different choices than you wrong". There's a distinction.

Maybe I am being to simplistic but if you and your partner cant come to an agreement on your name/baby's name then perhaps you have bigger issues around the corner.  If my wife didn't want my name I doubt I wouldn't of married her because of it. I fell in love with the person not her name. Sure I would like her to have my last name for all of us to have the same name and sure my daughter I would like to have her carry my name even though I have 3 sons but I wouldn't try to talk her out of it or disown her if she didn't.  She's my daughter.

Agreed again. That was a literal eye-roller the four or so times people said it across the first two pages. I originally preferred my partner take my name, she said she didn't want to, and rather than dumping her faster than second hand news we talked it over and one of us changed our mind (me, though that's really not the point). Still have to figure out what to name any progeny under that system but I'm quickly learning this discussion isn't the place to find that insight.

[viper155]

I'm getting married next month! Yay! Neither of us are changing our names because we both strongly identify with our respective surnames. However, it makes us scratch our heads when it comes to thinking about our kids' last names, and I KNOW I will eventually/often be referred to as Mrs. His-lastname. Oh well.

What'd you end up doing? Or, what would your gameplan be?


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Tradition is tradition for a reason. Change your name. Name your kids accordingly. Respect for your husband and family are the reason for the tradition.

[Cressida]

I'm getting married next month! Yay! Neither of us are changing our names because we both strongly identify with our respective surnames. However, it makes us scratch our heads when it comes to thinking about our kids' last names, and I KNOW I will eventually/often be referred to as Mrs. His-lastname. Oh well.

What'd you end up doing? Or, what would your gameplan be?

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Tradition is tradition for a reason. Change your name. Name your kids accordingly. Respect for your husband and family are the reason for the tradition.

This is so plainly on-its-face ridiculous that you must be trolling. Why would you troll this forum?

[grantmeaname]

That is the way it would seem from their other posts, but even if so is Victorian pearl-clutching really the best way to deal with it? Some people genuinely disagree with you and telling them they are ridiculous and not even addressing their views is not an effective way to advocate for your point of view.

[rocketpj]

The notion of R taking my name when we married seemed like a big hassle just to change something that neither of us had any interest or desire to change.

With the kids' names, I was in favour of them taking the name of the same gendered parent because they are my kids and it doesn't matter what they are called - it seemed simplest and obvious.

She was in favour of them taking my name - she was adopted into her name at 5 years old, while my family history goes back almost 1000 years (in Transylvania, of all places) and there are lots of cool things my ancestors have done (and more than a few awful things, such was the middle ages). 

As it turned out we both got our way since we had two boys, who both took my name.

[Cressida]

That is the way it would seem from their other posts, but even if so is Victorian pearl-clutching really the best way to deal with it? Some people genuinely disagree with you and telling them they are ridiculous and not even addressing their views is not an effective way to advocate for your point of view.

? Calling out a troll is not pearl-clutching. You might disagree with my earlier posts, but telling women they need to change their names out of respect for their husbands is, yes, on-its-face ridiculous.

[grantmeaname]

With the kids' names, I was in favour of them taking the name of the same gendered parent because they are my kids and it doesn't matter what they are called - it seemed simplest and obvious.

Why is it simplest or obvious? Not trying to challenge you but rather actively considering this path - is it because it's a built-in random thing? Is there anything that makes this any more meaningful than rock-paper-scissors or a coin flip that I'm missing?

[rocketpj]

With the kids' names, I was in favour of them taking the name of the same gendered parent because they are my kids and it doesn't matter what they are called - it seemed simplest and obvious.

Why is it simplest or obvious? Not trying to challenge you but rather actively considering this path - is it because it's a built-in random thing? Is there anything that makes this any more meaningful than rock-paper-scissors or a coin flip that I'm missing?

Nope, nothing more meaningful really.  But there is no practical reason why they should have one name or another, so without a reason it seemed simple to give the kids the name of their same gendered parent.  No favourites and all is well.

[CommonCents]

I'm getting married next month! Yay! Neither of us are changing our names because we both strongly identify with our respective surnames. However, it makes us scratch our heads when it comes to thinking about our kids' last names, and I KNOW I will eventually/often be referred to as Mrs. His-lastname. Oh well.

What'd you end up doing? Or, what would your gameplan be?


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Tradition is tradition for a reason. Change your name. Name your kids accordingly. Respect for your husband and family are the reason for the tradition.

I respect my family...by changing my name away from my family name?  This rationale seems puzzling to me.  In your scenario, I note that my husband would show no respect for me.  There may be reasons to change or not to change a name, but respect cuts both ways.  I can't see how you can throw it around on one side but equally not on the other.  I do hope Cressida is right and you are trolling.

seems like way to much angst over something that people have plenty of choices they can make as with most things in life.  Maybe I am being to simplistic but if you and your partner cant come to an agreement on your name/baby's name then perhaps you have bigger issues around the corner.  If my wife didn't want my name I doubt I wouldn't of married her because of it. I fell in love with the person not her name. Sure I would like her to have my last name for all of us to have the same name and sure my daughter I would like to have her carry my name even though I have 3 sons but I wouldn't try to talk her out of it or disown her if she didn't.  She's my daughter.

I think you misunderstood the comments re not marrying someone.  If my husband insisted I needed to change my name (telling me he wouldn't marry me if I didn't, which I have heard people say their husbands did) then he would not be the man that I thought he was, and that would make me question him and our relationship.  I wanted to marry someone who saw me as a partner and equal, not someone who would force me into doing things.   

Many women choose to keep their names, but some were told by their spouses to change it.  I respect the right of everyone - male or female - to choose their path and name.  But that said, as mentioned above, it remains sad to me that it isn't more equal on the name change, which is why I liked libraryjoy's comment, "My fiancé is keeping his name, too."  My husband and I told people that too - that he wasn't changing his name, in order to point out it's a choice both people make, not just women.

[Bob W]

If you adopt another's name,  please be sure to release it should the union end.

[CU Tiger]

What'd you end up doing? Or, what would your gameplan be?

I was 30 when I got married. I did not change my name, because I didn't want to. We do not have kids.

[Squirrel away]

I changed my name when I married because I can't stand my parents and I'm not having any kids so that isn't an issue for me.