This is the end of week 1 of 6 of my in-laws scheduled visit. My in-laws moved to the Philippines after my wife graduated from university, and thus can't just drop by very often . . . so they tend to come to Canada for a month or two every year (sometimes twice a year). Since our son was born (three and a half years ago) they have been staying in our house with us during these visits (they used to stay with my wife's aunt). Seeing a lot of son is really, really important to them.
My in-laws are decent people, and they have always treated me well. They are decent guests - while they are staying with us they elect to do things around the house (cooking/cleaning/splitting groceries/helping out with our son).
This living situation is extremely frustrating for me though for a variety of reasons:
- For the first two weeks after the flight over here, my in-laws will loudly bang doors at night going to/from the bathroom and their room. The bathroom door is right outside our bedroom door, and every time that it happens it wakes me up. Since they're jet-lagged, this happens as often as ten times a night. We've talked about the need to turn the doorknob close the door, then turn the doorknob back to shut doors quietly multiple times over the past four years. My in-laws like to just push the door shut which results in a lot of noise. My wife sleeps with ear plugs when they come over (I've tried, but they bug my ears and I can't fall asleep with them in) and my son has mentioned that he has trouble sleeping from the noise. I have not had more than four hours sleep during the night for the last eight days and am a wreck.
- My father in-law makes regular off handed racist comments. These comments range from jokes about the blacks stealing things from us to jokes about how cheap Jewish people are, to jokes about how Muslims are all terrorists. I've asked him not to say these things. My wife has asked him not to say these things. They are regularly said in front of our son, in public, and with our windows open (we live in a neighbourhood that is predominantly Indian, middle-eastern, and black).
- These visits happen when my wife's family tells us they will. They call my wife and tell her that they're coming. This year they also gave her an itinerary for a ten day trip to Florida that they had planned for them, my wife, and my son. My wife wants to keep her parents happy, and tends to just agree with whatever they say . . . but I totally lost it this time and we had a big argument about the trip. We compromised, and now are going to take a week of vacation to go to places around where we live.
- When the in-laws aren't here, their stuff still is. Microwave ovens (2 - not counting the one that we actually use in the kitchen), extraneous pots/pans, popcorn maker, George Foreman grills (2), Hot plate, clothing, suitcases (as many as 10, but I managed to make them lower that down to 2 last year) . . . these are all things that are in our house. In addition, they get their mail sent here year round (my wife has to go through it all and tell them if any bills need to be paid) because they change addresses regularly in the Philippines and don't want to switch their billing address.
- My in-laws exclusively use our home phone while they're here. They are on the phone a lot. Going through the last 50 numbers that called, 6 of them were for me or my wife, the rest for our in-laws.
- I don't actually want my in-laws to clean our house all the time. I have a place for things and know where they all are, but stuff gets lost when they move things around. I don't like or want other people going into my bedroom. The in-laws also over clean things . . . the day before they came my wife and I cleaned all the bathrooms. The day after they arrived the in-laws came they decided that all the bathrooms needed to be cleaned. I generally will use vinegar/water/baking soda and a lot of scrubbing. My in-laws let harsh chemicals sit for hours and it leaves the house smelling very bad. We asked them not to use these chemical cleaners a couple years ago, but they appear to have forgotten.
- It's nice that my in-laws cook for us (and they're good cooks), but I like to have control of what I eat. We'll normally do a day or two of vegan/vegetarian meals a week, but when my in-laws are cooking it's meat every day. We don't get raw vegetables ever (always cooked in some kind of salty sauce), and I don't feel like I get any say at all in what we'll be eating.
- Dishes. Each meal that we have will use every single dish in the house. This is because each meal has to have soup, a main course, rice, and some sort of vegetable. The meal is cooked and then put on dishes to serve with a separate serving utensil for each dish and a separate dish for each sauce rather than simply putting food on plates and taking it to the dining room. When you couple this with the fact that my in-laws refuse to use the dishwasher (I will load it, and then they will take the dishes out and wash them by hand) it makes for a very involved clean up ritual every single night. I've asked them to use the dishwasher, and I've asked them to just put the food on plates rather than use serving dishes. Because of this, I've just said "fuck it" and don't bother helping with dishes any more.
- My in-laws are the cause of 2-3 really big arguments between my wife and me, every year. This is pretty much the only thing that we ever fight about. The last argument happened yesterday in the morning, was about the slamming doors all night long again and the in-laws certainly heard some of it.
Stuff that I'm definitely doing wrong and need to somehow fix:
- I don't know how to make the in-laws listen to me or my wife. If I try to bring something up in a joking manner, it's usually laughed off. If I try to bring something up more seriously, it is also usually laughed off. I want to set out rules/guidelines for the house, but I don't believe that they would follow them.
- I am a very introverted person and don't like to be around people all the time. When I come home I don't want to have to be "on" all the time. Because of this I tend to hide as much as possible when my in-laws are around. I will go to my room and read, go in the basement and work out, or just get out of the house and do something outside. I'm sure this comes off as unfriendly. It's not intended to be - I just don't want to be around guests. It's particularly bad because I have zero, nada, zilch in common with my wife's parents so even when I do try to make awkward conversation there's really very little to say.
Is there some way to save my sanity, make the relationship with the in-laws a bit better, and get them to back off a bit at the same time? My default tactic of avoidance is not working and I'm seriously losing my shit here.