Author Topic: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help  (Read 5161 times)

sequoia

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #50 on: August 25, 2017, 02:41:10 PM »
Well, they're back.  We've had a very awkward conversation with them where we attempted to set some boundaries, and so far they're following them.  Everything is hella awkward though.  I guess time will tell if this will work . . . but I'm going to try and reduce the length of time they'll be staying with us in the future.

Great to hear you are making progress. Keep at it! If they start crossing some of the boundaries that you set, be nice, but firm, and remind them again. Like @Apples said:
2 (or 7...) days of awkwardness is worth the potential for a lifetime of overall improved relations.

TrMama

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #51 on: August 25, 2017, 03:01:57 PM »
That's actually a great update. I know it doesn't feel good now, but if they feel less comfortable in your home, they'll likely keep future visits shorter or even arrange to stay elsewhere.

Hang in there.

GuitarStv

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #52 on: August 25, 2017, 05:53:49 PM »
 . . . aaaaannnnd boundaries crossed.  We're about to have a whole family meeting.

okits

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #53 on: August 25, 2017, 06:43:49 PM »
Eek.  Good luck, dude.

Kris

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #54 on: August 25, 2017, 07:47:06 PM »
. . . aaaaannnnd boundaries crossed.  We're about to have a whole family meeting.

Oops.

Sorry to hear this, but waiting impatiently for an update.
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GuitarStv

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #55 on: August 26, 2017, 07:37:57 AM »
Total communication failure during family meeting.  Transition from awkward to truly horrible and awkward complete!

Villanelle

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #56 on: August 26, 2017, 07:53:19 AM »
Damn.  I'm sorry.  Are you and your wife at least on the same page?

Kris

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #57 on: August 26, 2017, 08:10:01 AM »
Oh, good lord. Sorry to hear this.
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Adventine

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #58 on: August 26, 2017, 09:06:31 AM »
Yikes. What happened?

Apples

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #59 on: August 26, 2017, 12:18:59 PM »
Oh no!  Who did most of the talking during this meeting?  Because DW should be talking more than you...she needs to be the one setting and re-setting the boundaries.

But I'm guessing some feelings got tramped on, even accidentally.  Sending you the best of luck with all of this.

MarciaB

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #60 on: August 26, 2017, 01:16:42 PM »
Air bnb within walking distance of your house. This would solve a lot of your issues although I suspect they'll be offended when you first present this option. This isn't something you'll be able to discuss with them. You, or more exactly, your wife, will need to tell them this is the arrangement for their visits from now on. They will throw a fit when they find out about his, act passive aggressive. Plan for this so that your wife doesn't cave and let them return to your house.

The thing is, once they've been in the air bnb for awhile they will come to prefer it too. They'll never admit this, and they'll probably continue to complain about it no matter what, but secretly they will like having their own space.

And as your son gets older he can do sleepovers at the AirBnB with the in-laws. They'll be thrilled to get him all to themselves.
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GuitarStv

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #61 on: August 27, 2017, 11:22:03 AM »
I did most of the talking during the family meeting.  I mentioned that we really appreciated the help that our in-laws were giving us, and apologized for any rudeness on my part.  Then said that things weren't working with the living situation and proposed some ground rules.  (The same ground rules that my wife had proposed earlier that had been ignored.). This was met with a deafening silence.  And after an extended period of that we all got up and went our merry ways.  We'll see what happens from here.  So far so good.  Well, aside from nobody talking to me.

:S

Adventine

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #62 on: August 27, 2017, 11:29:51 AM »
Did you discuss with your wife your exact plans for this talk before sitting down with the in-laws?

GuitarStv

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #63 on: August 27, 2017, 11:56:55 AM »
Did you discuss with your wife your exact plans for this talk before sitting down with the in-laws?

Yep.  Neither of us thought it was a good idea, but neither of us could think of any other way to get the parents to possibly follow the rules.

Villanelle

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #64 on: August 28, 2017, 01:30:25 AM »
I think awkwardness and uncomfortable silences are a good sign.  That means they are actually aware these are real things that are important.  They are no longer just mentally brushing them off as small requests you guys don't actually care about.

That doesn't mean they will follow them, but I think it is at least a hopeful sign.  And if and when they do break the rules, if you guys want to follow through with consequences, the fact that it was all discussed in a Very Serious Family Meeting means they can't really claim they didn't know or understand. 

sequoia

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #65 on: August 28, 2017, 01:31:50 AM »
And as your son gets older he can do sleepovers at the AirBnB with the in-laws. They'll be thrilled to get him all to themselves.
hmm... disagree. OP wrote "My father in-law makes regular off handed racist comments". Personally I would not let my son interact with anyone who makes racist comments.

Total communication failure during family meeting.  Transition from awkward to truly horrible and awkward complete!
Urgh... sorry to hear this. Sending some positive vibes for you, and hope in a few days things get better.

GuitarStv

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #66 on: August 28, 2017, 10:05:00 AM »
I've managed to get bronchitis now, so am able to spend every minute of every day at home with the inlaws for the foreseeable future.  Starting to empathize with Job a bit.

Dicey

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #67 on: August 29, 2017, 10:33:11 AM »
I've heard stories like yours before dicey, in some ways those are better scenarios to be in.  The in laws in that case are so awful that I'd gave an easier time telling them just to get out.  My inlaws (for all the aggravation they cause me) really are trying in their own way to be good to us.  There's a lot of alternating between feeling rage and shame that you were angry in the first place.

GuitarStv,
I've been wanting to add more to this thread, but don't want to hijack. I'm going to go write out my thoughts in my journal, then I'll publish a Tl;Dr version here. My SIL is really amazing and I don't want to let my post about her parents stand without telling this other part of the story.
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Car Jack

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #68 on: August 29, 2017, 01:05:49 PM »
Random thoughts:

Remove 3/4 of the dishes.  Hide them somewhere the in laws can't find them.

Invite over friends to play cards/watch a ball game/ drink beer.  Clue them in.  Be sure all are of a color or race that your in-laws would not approve of.

Before you in-laws arrive, start some home projects.  Such projects should have the kitchen, bathroom and any extra bedrooms torn up and uninhabitable.

Take a vacation to Disney.  When?  Leave the day before your in-laws arrive.

Pretty drastic, but move.  Don't tell the in-laws where.  Offer to meet them for a day at Disney.

Our in-laws were not Phillipino and only lived 12 miles away but would show up uninvited way too much.  We actually would see their car coming up the driveway and quickly lock all our doors and hide. 

Dicey

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #69 on: August 29, 2017, 01:49:32 PM »
Car Jack, ^that's^ pretty funny, in a laugh-despite-the-hurt kind of way.


Okay, I've written the rest of the story. The whole lotta words version is here: https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/journals/a-lot-like-this/msg1676960/#new


Tl;Dr version: My SIL (now dubbed "Jo") took amazing care of my father during the long, last year of his life. Her parents can stay as long as they want, and be as awful as they want, and never will the scales balance out for all she has done for our family.


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With This Herring

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #70 on: August 29, 2017, 08:53:12 PM »
Night Noise - Replace the bathroom door and their bedroom door (temporarily) with curtains on tension rods.

Privacy - Put a lock on the door of your bedroom.  You and your wife each get a key on a string like a necklace.  Door stays locked at all times.

Racism - Send a little letter around to all your neighbors saying "(Wife)'s parents, who make large numbers of racist jokes, are visiting again.  Please know in advance that we do not share their views.  We will be coming around to personally apologize to everyone after they go home."

But I hope the awkward discussion worked.
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Adventine

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #71 on: August 29, 2017, 10:04:22 PM »
Hope you feel better soon, GuitarStv!

Also, at least they've progressed from brushing off your feedback to awkward silence. Little tiny baby steps towards them taking you seriously.

Finances_With_Purpose

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #72 on: August 29, 2017, 11:48:57 PM »
2 (or 7...) days of awkwardness is worth the potential for a lifetime of overall improved relations.

This.  I was going to post a two-line response.  First: boundaries.  Then, see book by same title. 

You're already there though.  FYI, be prepared if they test the boundaries further a few times.  As long as you're solid, though, it's your home, you set the rules, and you're can ensure that you're respected.  Kudos to you! 

Dicey

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #73 on: August 31, 2017, 10:06:10 AM »
Just sending some love...hope at least your body is feeling better soon.
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wenchsenior

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Re: Living with in-laws for extended periods . . . help
« Reply #74 on: August 31, 2017, 04:32:22 PM »
Just sending some love...hope at least your body is feeling better soon.

Same from me.  Also, rejoice, for you are more than halfway through the visit!