Author Topic: Just some ended relationship venting...  (Read 6840 times)

deek

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Just some ended relationship venting...
« on: April 24, 2018, 06:17:56 PM »
Hey all, my SO of 5 and a half months just came down to my place for what I thought was a date night to dinner and a movie with friends. We sat down and chatted and she told me she was having doubts and really wasn't sure why. She's leaving for school about 4-5 hours away in August and she thinks maybe it had something to do with that. I understood when it was all said and done. But when she got more in depth about telling her mom and how her mom got really sad because she loved me, that started to tear me up. This caught me completely by surprise. She assured me that it was nothing I did or didn't do and she wanted to stay in touch if I thought that was okay.

I'm not really sure what to do. I would gladly be there for her if she needed me, but at the same time, I don't know if I can keep contact without it reminding me of our experiences together. Ughhhh. I was her first serious relationship (she's 22). Maybe she doesn't know what she wanted? Who knows, I told her I can't change the way she feels and I'm glad she was up front with me about it. During our talking she just gave this vibe that she absolutely hated what she was doing and she still wanted me. I'm so confused, but I need to get out of this to-be short-term rut as soon as possible.

MrsWhipple

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2018, 06:28:58 PM »
She's 22 and doesn't want to be tied down with an LDR, which is totally normal at her age. Sucks but it happens. You don't have to be her emotional support person if you don't want to and I wouldn't want to, because you know exactly how that will end - you will support her exactly up until the point she finds somebody else, and then you'll be out of her life. It'll suck worse for you. "Sorry, but I need some space" is a fine excuse, and she can find someone else to support her.

I imagine you're young too, and it wasn't a long relationship. Take a month or two if you need to sort yourself out and then move on to date other people. This is a good learning experience for both of you that will help you find more stable future relationships. Take it as a positive and don't stretch out the breakup by trying to "help her" because it will not help either of you move on. Block her on facebook, hit the gym, get busy with hobbies and friends, don't waste too much time wallowing in the rut if you can avoid it. Amicable breakups can be worse for you if you let them.

deek

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2018, 10:25:21 PM »
She's 22 and doesn't want to be tied down with an LDR, which is totally normal at her age. Sucks but it happens. You don't have to be her emotional support person if you don't want to and I wouldn't want to, because you know exactly how that will end - you will support her exactly up until the point she finds somebody else, and then you'll be out of her life. It'll suck worse for you. "Sorry, but I need some space" is a fine excuse, and she can find someone else to support her.

I imagine you're young too, and it wasn't a long relationship. Take a month or two if you need to sort yourself out and then move on to date other people. StupidThis is a good learning experience for both of you that will help you find more stable future relationships. Take it as a positive and don't stretch out the breakup by trying to "help her" because it will not help either of you move on. Block her on facebook, hit the gym, get busy with hobbies and friends, don't waste too much time wallowing in the rut if you can avoid it. Amicable breakups can be worse for you if you let them.

All valid points.. I'm 26. Just so many questions I don't have an answer to is the frustrating part. A week ago everything was dandy, I felt like we both have become more attracted to each other even recently. Just makes you want to crawl in a hole for a month.

maizeman

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #3 on: April 24, 2018, 10:32:53 PM »
The two relationships I still regret the end of both ended based on long distance issues. One ended before the long distance part started but after we knew there was going to be no way around years of long distance. The other struggled through about a year of long distance before things finally ended. Looking back on it, I like the way the first relationship ended more than the second (which finally ended with a "hey I've met someone else" e-mail.)

The fact that your own relationship ended doesn't mean your ex-girlfriend wasn't attracted to you or didn't care about you or that you did anything wrong. Just that human beings really aren't set up for long distance relationships. 

expatartist

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #4 on: April 24, 2018, 10:33:33 PM »
She's 22 and doesn't want to be tied down with an LDR, which is totally normal at her age. Sucks but it happens. You don't have to be her emotional support person if you don't want to and I wouldn't want to, because you know exactly how that will end - you will support her exactly up until the point she finds somebody else, and then you'll be out of her life. It'll suck worse for you. "Sorry, but I need some space" is a fine excuse, and she can find someone else to support her.

+1

The "let's be friends" line leads to ambiguity, blurred boundaries, and an extension of the normal grieving process after a relationship has ended.

deek

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #5 on: April 25, 2018, 03:21:42 AM »
I'm optimistic that in the end this is for the best and I know at this point I wouldn't be comfortable prioritizing the long trips to her new place where the school is to visit her and I know she wouldn't be able to come this way much because of how dedicated she will be to school.

But jesus I had the most vivid dream about saying goodbye to her parents. It's a little ridiculous but I woke up for a split second thinking it was.just another dream and had to remind myself that "damn, it is actually over." I hope I can get this slate wiped clean and it becomes a lot easier to deal in the next several days after it has sunk in.

This is the part that sucks when you're a person that invests a lot in real connections with people.
« Last Edit: April 25, 2018, 05:13:07 AM by dj »

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #6 on: April 25, 2018, 04:41:33 PM »
This will be for the best. LDR isn't a relationship. You're young, there are 3.5 billion women on this planet, there will be many more that come along.

Don't be there "if she needs you". That gives her all the benefits of a relationship without any work. Go no-contact, it's for the best.


2Cent

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #7 on: April 26, 2018, 03:43:52 AM »
Don't keep thinking that she might still love you. Just view it as an experience that you gained which is completely done now. If she's having doubts after just 5 months, she would probably have not lasted forever anyway. So you're spared the years of time lost and the pain of having a relationship go bad.

KTG

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #8 on: April 26, 2018, 01:12:51 PM »
Best advice I can give: No contact.

I just got out of a relationship the beginning of this year, and after some time giving each other space, we text semi-regularly and even hung out last weekend as friends. We dated for about 2.5 years and sometimes relationships that long can end messy, and the no contact rule would probably apply for longer, but I am in much better control of my emotions now than I was when I was younger.

Plus, its always easier when you are hitting the eject button. Not so much the other way around.

She will try and get the best of both worlds: use you as support and also to move on without you. Sticking through that will leave you emotionally drained. Don't fall for it. The best thing you can do for yourself is plow forward, blinders on, and don't look back.

Maybe some day you'll be friends or whatever who knows. However, if you have a new gf by then, well, women are territorial and you simply won't be allowed to have anything to do with her anyway.

The best revenge? Put yourself first and move on with your life.

And just go ahead and delete her from Facebook. We all get curious and there is no sense in leaving the door open for you to re-open a wound until you are over her.

deek

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #9 on: April 26, 2018, 08:59:53 PM »
I simply told her after the fact that I need space, and she responded and told me she would be around any time I wanted to reach out...  I did not reply and don't intend on reaching out. Baffles me how 2 weeks ago everything was normal and we were talking about summer plans.. oh how quickly things change.

KTG

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #10 on: April 27, 2018, 07:42:47 AM »
Yeah I wouldn't burn too many brain cells on this right now. You'll learn to understand women over time.  There is a reason there is a saying that 'Men are from Mars, women are from Venus'. Women do tend to be predictable though, even when emotional messes, even if you can't understand why at the time. It took me a long time to figure them out, and I just roll my eyes at the predictability now.  Like, should your current girlfriend find out that a shirt in your closet was bought by an ex, you might as well just throw the shirt in the garbage, even if you have no attachment to the ex anymore, or how nice the shirt is. Just the way it is, no sense in fighting it.

But, if its one thing I have certainly learned is that while men mourn the loss of a relationship after it ends, a lot of women will do it while in one, all the while not saying a word about it (although you'll realize later there were hints of the demise taking place that you didn't pick up on). That's a big reason why you see how quickly they are able to flip the switch and move on to another guy so quickly. Plus, generally they hate to be alone and all they have to do is bat their eyes and get another boyfriend pretty easily. In all likelihood she lost interest in the relationship further back than you realize. Sucks, but that's just the way it is. You are definitely doing the right thing telling her you want some space, and I would just ignore her for awhile too. There is no sense in lowering your standards to keep her in your life after she just told you she doesn't want you to be a part of hers. And you don't have to be mean about it. Just be as matter-of-fact about it as possible. Actually, you moving on will probably drive her nuts. But either way, you don't want her back after this. That 'if it was meant to be, set her free and she'll come back' whatever crap, is horseshit. All its really saying is that you are a douche with low standards. Don't be a douche with low standards.

I gather you are a lot younger than I am, so I will pass on some advice I wish I could go back in time and tell myself: (1) Live for yourself first (and that doesn't mean be selfish); (2) Don't give too much too early, make them prove they are worth it first (which if they ARE interested, they will love to prove they are); (3) women are typically in the driver's seat on how a relationship progresses, even if they don't realize it (so don't rush it); and (4) when things don't work out with one girl, its just freeing you up to try it things out with another.

Finally, people change. Sometimes its because of issues in the relationship, sometimes it has nothing to do with the relationship. That change may mean they feel they don't feel the same about the relationship. Sometimes these changes happen early on, sometimes after decades of marriage. If she didn't cheat on you, or stab you with a knife, then she probably isn't a bad person, but definitely not one you need to waste any more of your time on either. Chemistry is a powerful thing, and the loss of what you thought you had can be a powerful thing, however:

There are about 7 billion people on this planet. Over half are women. You are probably compatible with at least million of them. Go give some of them a try.

As my best friend's grandma used to say, "Pussy makes the world go around." It literally drives just about every decision men make. If there was no pussy, we'd probably be unemployed slobs watching football 24 hours a day. But thankfully there is, so we do everything we can to get the best of it we can, careers, cars, etc etc. Its all to impress them. Its no different than what happens in the animal kingdom. Its all just a game really, and most of the time a lot of it is out of your control. Some women will drool over you for doing nothing, others will want nothing to do with you no matter what you do. And the same applies to them. Don't take the grand scheme of it so personal or feel hopeless. There is someone out there for everyone. Just have to cut through the weeds to find them sometimes.

And go through a lot of trial and error too.

Best of luck! And keep your chin up.

MOD NOTE: The misogyny in this post is pretty terrible. Rather than delete it, we'll just note that we don't condone this, and count on the community to shun the behavior as well. Cheers!
« Last Edit: April 30, 2018, 10:31:43 AM by arebelspy »

ketchup

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #11 on: April 27, 2018, 08:06:25 AM »
I told her I can't change the way she feels and I'm glad she was up front with me about it. During our talking she just gave this vibe that she absolutely hated what she was doing and she still wanted me. I'm so confused, but I need to get out of this to-be short-term rut as soon as possible.
She did it because she wanted to do it.  She felt bad about it because she's not an awful human being, and knew it would hurt but doesn't think you're an awful human being either.  She doesn't still want you.  I'm sure a lot of thought was put into what she did.

I went through something similar (though I was younger).  My perception of ambiguity was what made it hard.  It was clear what she wanted, but I was too stupid to see it.  It took her essentially telling me that point-blank an embarrassing amount of time later (more than a year) for me to truly snap out of it and move on.

deek

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #12 on: April 27, 2018, 08:59:11 AM »
I told her I can't change the way she feels and I'm glad she was up front with me about it. During our talking she just gave this vibe that she absolutely hated what she was doing and she still wanted me. I'm so confused, but I need to get out of this to-be short-term rut as soon as possible.
She did it because she wanted to do it.  She felt bad about it because she's not an awful human being, and knew it would hurt but doesn't think you're an awful human being either.  She doesn't still want you.  I'm sure a lot of thought was put into what she did.

I went through something similar (though I was younger).  My perception of ambiguity was what made it hard.  It was clear what she wanted, but I was too stupid to see it.  It took her essentially telling me that point-blank an embarrassing amount of time later (more than a year) for me to truly snap out of it and move on.

I think with time I will be more comfortable with the fact that her change of heart probably had more to do with the differences in our life situations rather than the absence of any personal connection. She is 3.5 years younger and still has a lot of decision making to do. Decision making that I have solidified for myself already. But I've already committed to just moving on so I'm happy about that. Just natural to figure out how to deal with the grief associated with it I suppose.

Poundwise

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #13 on: April 28, 2018, 06:23:42 PM »
You're in one of those situations where you don't know each other well enough to make the decision to drop other things, such as school or a job, in order to follow/stay with the other.  You probably read her right: she may still care for you, but also knows it would be foolish to give up her schooling for somebody she doesn't actually know all that well.  She may be secretly hoping that you'll throw it all away and follow her... then she can have both her school and boyfriend.  But it would be equally foolish for you to drop the rest of your life on a gamble; and of course there is also the chance that she simply wants to break up with you and is using her move as an excuse.

If it's really tearing you up, if you don't have a particular attachment to where you are living, and she's moving to an area where you'd like to live one day, you could make the offer to move to be near her, with the understanding that if she is just breaking up with you because of a suboptimal fit, you'd rather know. Possibly putting this offer on the table (even to yourself without telling her) will make you realize that you don't really want to follow her... or that you do.  Also if you do decide to follow her, make sure that you have a very good plan B in case the relationship goes south.  Go because there are other appealing reasons to move as well.

However, I do agree with most posters here: if neither of you thinks the other person is quite worth the move, don't try a LDR, just move on.  It will be hard to learn much more important information about each other through the LDR. Just part on good terms, and maybe another time the stars will align.

I guess what I'm saying is that the ambiguity may not be due to game-playing or not wanting to hurt your feelings, but a real split in her feelings.
« Last Edit: April 28, 2018, 06:27:25 PM by Poundwise »

Sibley

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #14 on: April 29, 2018, 11:52:02 AM »
Yeah I wouldn't burn too many brain cells on this right now. You'll learn to understand women over time.  There is a reason there is a saying that 'Men are from Mars, women are from Venus'. Women do tend to be predictable though, even when emotional messes, even if you can't understand why at the time. It took me a long time to figure them out, and I just roll my eyes at the predictability now.  Like, should your current girlfriend find out that a shirt in your closet was bought by an ex, you might as well just throw the shirt in the garbage, even if you have no attachment to the ex anymore, or how nice the shirt is. Just the way it is, no sense in fighting it.

But, if its one thing I have certainly learned is that while men mourn the loss of a relationship after it ends, a lot of women will do it while in one, all the while not saying a word about it (although you'll realize later there were hints of the demise taking place that you didn't pick up on). That's a big reason why you see how quickly they are able to flip the switch and move on to another guy so quickly. Plus, generally they hate to be alone and all they have to do is bat their eyes and get another boyfriend pretty easily. In all likelihood she lost interest in the relationship further back than you realize. Sucks, but that's just the way it is. You are definitely doing the right thing telling her you want some space, and I would just ignore her for awhile too. There is no sense in lowering your standards to keep her in your life after she just told you she doesn't want you to be a part of hers. And you don't have to be mean about it. Just be as matter-of-fact about it as possible. Actually, you moving on will probably drive her nuts. But either way, you don't want her back after this. That 'if it was meant to be, set her free and she'll come back' whatever crap, is horseshit. All its really saying is that you are a douche with low standards. Don't be a douche with low standards.
...

As a woman, I'm gonna burst your bubble here. No, you don't understand women, no one does. Just like no one can understand men. You can understand individuals, but not ALL women or ALL men. Overall, you're coming off as pretty sexist. Maybe think about it.

DJ - I'm sorry your GF broke up with you. However, to be realistic, she's 22 and moving away for college. The odds were drastically against your relationship surviving that kind of change and distance. Take care of yourself, spend time with friends/family doing things you enjoy. You will be ok, and you will meet someone else.

Letj

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #15 on: April 29, 2018, 12:40:11 PM »
If you are both compatible and you think there’s a future together, try offering her to move with her. That would be the real test. Maybe she’s lost feelings for you, she was never committed in the first place but or she is really testing your love and commitment to her. She might be secretely hoping you offer to move with her or you would beg to continue the relationship.

Letj

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #16 on: April 29, 2018, 12:47:45 PM »
Yeah I wouldn't burn too many brain cells on this right now. You'll learn to understand women over time.  There is a reason there is a saying that 'Men are from Mars, women are from Venus'. Women do tend to be predictable though, even when emotional messes, even if you can't understand why at the time. It took me a long time to figure them out, and I just roll my eyes at the predictability now.  Like, should your current girlfriend find out that a shirt in your closet was bought by an ex, you might as well just throw the shirt in the garbage, even if you have no attachment to the ex anymore, or how nice the shirt is. Just the way it is, no sense in fighting it.

But, if its one thing I have certainly learned is that while men mourn the loss of a relationship after it ends, a lot of women will do it while in one, all the while not saying a word about it (although you'll realize later there were hints of the demise taking place that you didn't pick up on). That's a big reason why you see how quickly they are able to flip the switch and move on to another guy so quickly. Plus, generally they hate to be alone and all they have to do is bat their eyes and get another boyfriend pretty easily. In all likelihood she lost interest in the relationship further back than you realize. Sucks, but that's just the way it is. You are definitely doing the right thing telling her you want some space, and I would just ignore her for awhile too. There is no sense in lowering your standards to keep her in your life after she just told you she doesn't want you to be a part of hers. And you don't have to be mean about it. Just be as matter-of-fact about it as possible. Actually, you moving on will probably drive her nuts. But either way, you don't want her back after this. That 'if it was meant to be, set her free and she'll come back' whatever crap, is horseshit. All its really saying is that you are a douche with low standards. Don't be a douche with low standards.

I gather you are a lot younger than I am, so I will pass on some advice I wish I could go back in time and tell myself: (1) Live for yourself first (and that doesn't mean be selfish); (2) Don't give too much too early, make them prove they are worth it first (which if they ARE interested, they will love to prove they are); (3) women are typically in the driver's seat on how a relationship progresses, even if they don't realize it (so don't rush it); and (4) when things don't work out with one girl, its just freeing you up to try it things out with another.

Finally, people change. Sometimes its because of issues in the relationship, sometimes it has nothing to do with the relationship. That change may mean they feel they don't feel the same about the relationship. Sometimes these changes happen early on, sometimes after decades of marriage. If she didn't cheat on you, or stab you with a knife, then she probably isn't a bad person, but definitely not one you need to waste any more of your time on either. Chemistry is a powerful thing, and the loss of what you thought you had can be a powerful thing, however:

There are about 7 billion people on this planet. Over half are women. You are probably compatible with at least million of them. Go give some of them a try.

As my best friend's grandma used to say, "Pussy makes the world go around." It literally drives just about every decision men make. If there was no pussy, we'd probably be unemployed slobs watching football 24 hours a day. But thankfully there is, so we do everything we can to get the best of it we can, careers, cars, etc etc. Its all to impress them. Its no different than what happens in the animal kingdom. Its all just a game really, and most of the time a lot of it is out of your control. Some women will drool over you for doing nothing, others will want nothing to do with you no matter what you do. And the same applies to them. Don't take the grand scheme of it so personal or feel hopeless. There is someone out there for everyone. Just have to cut through the weeds to find them sometimes.

And go through a lot of trial and error too.

Best of luck! And keep your chin up.

OMG. This is so chauvinist! Who hurt you so badly? Relationships and people are not all the same.  There’s no one way to handle a break up. I broke with my husband twice while we were dating and he took me back gladly because I soon realized what I had and we’ve been together for 31 years and happily married for 23. I was about the same age as the OP’s girlfriend and I had just failed to see what I had.

partgypsy

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #17 on: April 30, 2018, 12:44:49 PM »
I know when I was in college and the year or so right afterwards, I felt too young to settle down. Honestly there was nothing wrong with my college sweetheart. I just wasn't ready to commit. So I don't recommend following her.

A couple years later, I was in a different emotional place and ready. It may not have much to do with you, just where she is at.
i'm sorry you are going through this. 

It's possible you may circle around, but I wouldn't count on it or wait around for that. continue to discover yourself and your life too.

patchyfacialhair

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #18 on: April 30, 2018, 02:33:52 PM »
I find that many people go through a bit of an identity crisis at various points. It usually coincides with some sort of arbitrary age or education benchmark, at which times things can go a bit wonky.

1) End of high school, around 18. Ready to conquer the world, and in general, live life without parental supervision. Some are more mature/ready for the change than others.

2) Age 21. You can legally drink alcohol, opening up your world to new social circles. Sometimes this has no impact.

3) End of college, around 22. You have to find a job, or go to grad school, which usually involves a move. Again, due to many factors, this could be very stressful or very easy.

4) Age 25. You've hit the point where you're not exactly brand new in the real world...some people are more successful than others, and you may or may not be comfortable in your own skin.

Age 30. You may be comparing yourself to other "adults", maybe still paying off student loans, or maybe you're comfortable with your life thus far, looking positive at the road ahead.

She's right there man, at step 3. Something doesn't feel right for her, thus her breaking up with you. It's probably not your fault. But, at the end of the day, work on yourself, and I wouldn't wait around. Distance is hard. I did it once, but we were married already, and we saw each other almost every weekend. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

deek

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #19 on: April 30, 2018, 04:01:36 PM »
It's almost a week later, and in the time since, it's becoming a little easier each day to be content with what happened. I've tried to be a little empathetic to the situation, thinking about myself at age 22. No way I was ready for something long term, mostly because I wanted to experience something outside of my home state - albeit not further education, just another living situation and work experience. If I found a person I really liked back then, I may have been okay with a relationship as she was.. but reality would have hit just a little harder with time and I would still be wanting to live elsewhere for a little while. Ultimately, I did move to Oregon in early 2016 and got my fix of another part of the country.

At some point, I don't rule out getting back in touch with her, because there was that connection and that was an important 5 months of my life. But it will be because I care about how life is treating her more than trying to spark something up again.

MrsWhipple

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #20 on: May 01, 2018, 06:34:41 PM »

As a woman, I'm gonna burst your bubble here. No, you don't understand women, no one does. Just like no one can understand men. You can understand individuals, but not ALL women or ALL men. Overall, you're coming off as pretty sexist. Maybe think about it.
Yeah, Oh, women are so predictable once you learn to read their emotional messes - not a great way to treat 50% of the human population. That's some awfully sexist reasoning going on there and it seems like the poster is bitter from a few bad experiences. If my husband threw a perfectly good shirt away because it was a gift from an ex and he thought I wouldn't want it around, I'd be upset that he wasted a perfectly good shirt!

accolay

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #21 on: May 01, 2018, 08:06:13 PM »
Sorry about the breakup. Do everything MrsWhipple said and follow the advice of no contact etc. It sucks now, but it will get better. Good luck.

KTG

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #22 on: May 02, 2018, 12:13:32 PM »
Wow I missed this until someone just sent me a message about it.

Quote
MOD NOTE: The misogyny in this post is pretty terrible. Rather than delete it, we'll just note that we don't condone this, and count on the community to shun the behavior as well. Cheers!

Wow I think misogyny is pretty harsh there. What exactly did I say that makes anyone think I hate women? Because I find many of their reactions predictable? Give me a break. That is ridiculous. I've been with more women than I care to admit. I can't imagine where I would be if I disliked them.

I find many of them predictable. And what I posted as advice isn't much different than a group of women talking at happy hour. When men aren't mostly around, women are far more brutal in judging guys on topics than most men will ever know, whether its about specific looks, the size of their wallet, the car they drive, the clothes they wear, their dick size, or whatever, all the while losing it if a guy mentions anything about a woman's weight gain. 'Oh I can't believe he just went there!' I am sure there are exceptions to the rule, don't think I am THAT arrogant to think I've met them all, but from one guy to another? I feel like I have been involved with enough to stand by what I said.

And men have a whole host of mostly predictable traits too. Let's count how many men pop in here and act offended over that.

And I am really not trying to offend anyone, but the world is a greedy place, and most of the time people act in their own self interest. Being as young as the OP is, he's probably got far more attachment to this girl than most older people in here would advise, after all, its not that 5 months is or isn't a long time to spend with someone (or decide if you should like), but probably not long enough to really know what someone is really like, or long enough to go through a rough time to see how supportive is or what the other is made of. So I say live for yourself first, and don't linger waiting on her for your happiness. If she doesn't want you around, for whatever reason, the best you can do for yourself is move on. Hey, if she actually does come back and the OP wants to give it a go, so be it, but I wouldn't play with his hopes on giving him any reason to wait.

BTW: as a man, some of the worst advice I have ever gotten about dealing with women in a relationship, has been from other women. Strange, but true. So I have removed the analyzing and emotions out of it and just focused on being a man. If it sounds like I am being an ass, that's one thing, but to call it hate, that's ignorant.

You can decorate your advice with flowers and butterflies if you want. I am just telling him from one guy to the other. This is the same blunt way I talk to my friends and expect that they will talk to me.


RetiredAt63

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #23 on: May 02, 2018, 12:26:19 PM »
When men aren't mostly around, women are far more brutal in judging guys on topics than most men will ever know, whether its about specific looks, the size of their wallet, the car they drive, the clothes they wear, their dick size, or whatever,

The women I hang out with must be very different from the women you know.   I can't remember any conversations like this, even when I was young (say 17-27).  In fact usually our conversations are interests, activities, or, when they were young, our children.  Boyfriends/husbands were off-limits as a discussion topic.

patchyfacialhair

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #24 on: May 02, 2018, 12:42:08 PM »
Wow I missed this until someone just sent me a message about it.

Quote
MOD NOTE: The misogyny in this post is pretty terrible. Rather than delete it, we'll just note that we don't condone this, and count on the community to shun the behavior as well. Cheers!

Wow I think misogyny is pretty harsh there. What exactly did I say that makes anyone think I hate women? Because I find many of their reactions predictable? Give me a break. That is ridiculous. I've been with more women than I care to admit. I can't imagine where I would be if I disliked them.

I find many of them predictable. And what I posted as advice isn't much different than a group of women talking at happy hour. When men aren't mostly around, women are far more brutal in judging guys on topics than most men will ever know, whether its about specific looks, the size of their wallet, the car they drive, the clothes they wear, their dick size, or whatever, all the while losing it if a guy mentions anything about a woman's weight gain. 'Oh I can't believe he just went there!' I am sure there are exceptions to the rule, don't think I am THAT arrogant to think I've met them all, but from one guy to another? I feel like I have been involved with enough to stand by what I said.

And men have a whole host of mostly predictable traits too. Let's count how many men pop in here and act offended over that.

And I am really not trying to offend anyone, but the world is a greedy place, and most of the time people act in their own self interest. Being as young as the OP is, he's probably got far more attachment to this girl than most older people in here would advise, after all, its not that 5 months is or isn't a long time to spend with someone (or decide if you should like), but probably not long enough to really know what someone is really like, or long enough to go through a rough time to see how supportive is or what the other is made of. So I say live for yourself first, and don't linger waiting on her for your happiness. If she doesn't want you around, for whatever reason, the best you can do for yourself is move on. Hey, if she actually does come back and the OP wants to give it a go, so be it, but I wouldn't play with his hopes on giving him any reason to wait.

BTW: as a man, some of the worst advice I have ever gotten about dealing with women in a relationship, has been from other women. Strange, but true. So I have removed the analyzing and emotions out of it and just focused on being a man. If it sounds like I am being an ass, that's one thing, but to call it hate, that's ignorant.

You can decorate your advice with flowers and butterflies if you want. I am just telling him from one guy to the other. This is the same blunt way I talk to my friends and expect that they will talk to me.

It's 2018 man...you know you're not allowed to stereotype anymore, unless it fits a certain agenda.

KTG

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #25 on: May 02, 2018, 12:47:55 PM »
It's 2018 man...you know you're not allowed to stereotype anymore, unless it fits a certain agenda.

I've given thought to trying to only post positive and extremely PC posts everywhere I go... I just can't do it.

joonifloofeefloo

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #26 on: May 02, 2018, 12:49:20 PM »
...what I posted as advice isn't much different than a group of women talking at happy hour.

Misandry also takes place a lot, yes (including on this forum), and like misogyny, sexism, other generalizations, when it's noticed it's called out.

We try to keep the forum free from all forms of stereotyping.

KTG

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #27 on: May 02, 2018, 12:54:28 PM »
We should probably stop identifying each other as male or female as well. Just form one massive asexual blob. But then again, that blob would probably offend other blobs.

Want to spend a few minutes being critical of men? I can handle it. I might fit some of the profile, and some of it I wont. I won't get offended either way. I'll probably laugh at some of the things people might assume.

But some of it could very well be dead on.

PoutineLover

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #28 on: May 02, 2018, 01:12:06 PM »
Relationships end for so many reasons, and a 5 month relationship ending because of life circumstances is pretty normal, even if it sucks at the moment. Great time to focus on yourself and your interests. Try not to keep the door open, unless you really think there's a future together, because on/off and long distance are usually not worth the effort and heartache. I broke up with my ex when I was 23 because I realized that we were heading in different directions and not good matches for each other. Nothing against him, it just wasn't the relationship I wanted and that happens. Sounds like you are handling it pretty well.

Re: the misogyny stuff, generalizing all women or all men is what's wrong. It's impossible to say women this or men that, everyone has different motivations and experiences, and what applies to one person will not apply to all others.
"Like, should your current girlfriend find out that a shirt in your closet was bought by an ex, you might as well just throw the shirt in the garbage, even if you have no attachment to the ex anymore, or how nice the shirt is. Just the way it is, no sense in fighting it."
This sounds like it applied to one particular case one time. You can't say all women would react the same way to that shirt, but by framing it as "just the way it is" indicates that you stereotype by gender, without actual foundation for your statements.

joonifloofeefloo

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #29 on: May 02, 2018, 01:17:52 PM »
OP, sure hope you're feeling a little better and clearer with the passing days.

Breakups can be hard :(
...and definitely confusing, leaving questions that can last forever.
And definitely a person doing the breakup can give signs of ambivalence, continued feelings, etc. We have to believe their words and their actions, and do just what you did: accept those and move on.

I told her I can't change the way she feels and I'm glad she was up front with me about it.

Awesome!!! Super classy. That's really the best a person can do.

I've also become a big fan of no contact (for a good six months or more) after a break up. Just allows most of us to move on, get as healthy as possible faster, etc.

JLee

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #30 on: May 02, 2018, 01:34:36 PM »
Wow I missed this until someone just sent me a message about it.

Quote
MOD NOTE: The misogyny in this post is pretty terrible. Rather than delete it, we'll just note that we don't condone this, and count on the community to shun the behavior as well. Cheers!

Wow I think misogyny is pretty harsh there. What exactly did I say that makes anyone think I hate women? Because I find many of their reactions predictable? Give me a break. That is ridiculous. I've been with more women than I care to admit. I can't imagine where I would be if I disliked them.

I find many of them predictable. And what I posted as advice isn't much different than a group of women talking at happy hour. When men aren't mostly around, women are far more brutal in judging guys on topics than most men will ever know, whether its about specific looks, the size of their wallet, the car they drive, the clothes they wear, their dick size, or whatever, all the while losing it if a guy mentions anything about a woman's weight gain. 'Oh I can't believe he just went there!' I am sure there are exceptions to the rule, don't think I am THAT arrogant to think I've met them all, but from one guy to another? I feel like I have been involved with enough to stand by what I said.

And men have a whole host of mostly predictable traits too. Let's count how many men pop in here and act offended over that.

And I am really not trying to offend anyone, but the world is a greedy place, and most of the time people act in their own self interest. Being as young as the OP is, he's probably got far more attachment to this girl than most older people in here would advise, after all, its not that 5 months is or isn't a long time to spend with someone (or decide if you should like), but probably not long enough to really know what someone is really like, or long enough to go through a rough time to see how supportive is or what the other is made of. So I say live for yourself first, and don't linger waiting on her for your happiness. If she doesn't want you around, for whatever reason, the best you can do for yourself is move on. Hey, if she actually does come back and the OP wants to give it a go, so be it, but I wouldn't play with his hopes on giving him any reason to wait.

BTW: as a man, some of the worst advice I have ever gotten about dealing with women in a relationship, has been from other women. Strange, but true. So I have removed the analyzing and emotions out of it and just focused on being a man. If it sounds like I am being an ass, that's one thing, but to call it hate, that's ignorant.

You can decorate your advice with flowers and butterflies if you want. I am just telling him from one guy to the other. This is the same blunt way I talk to my friends and expect that they will talk to me.

Really?  "Ingrained prejudice against women" seems spot on.

Hirondelle

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #31 on: May 02, 2018, 01:39:28 PM »
When men aren't mostly around, women are far more brutal in judging guys on topics than most men will ever know, whether its about specific looks, the size of their wallet, the car they drive, the clothes they wear, their dick size, or whatever,

The women I hang out with must be very different from the women you know.   I can't remember any conversations like this, even when I was young (say 17-27).  In fact usually our conversations are interests, activities, or, when they were young, our children.  Boyfriends/husbands were off-limits as a discussion topic.

This. I've never discussed any of those things. Yes, my friends and I jokingly discuss guy's looks, but more in the sense of "He looks like dating material for you! Blonde, tall, [whatever she usually falls for]" - is that brutal judging?!

I don't think you meant it as badly as it sounds, but to someone reading your post it sounds pretty aggressive/anti-women and very, very judgemental. I basically read it as "Oh I've figured it all out and all women are like THIS", while you probably meant "I've dated many women and most turned out to be like this".

Seems like you've got a very particular taste of women and it might be good to move around in some other social circles to meet some nicer ones.


DJ; I'm sorry for your breakup. It seems like you've already made the first steps to get over it. The first weeks are the hardest, after you'll just have occasional moments of grief. Even a 5 month relationship can feel like forever if the click was good to you. Don't forget that it CAN be really hard for the other person to break up too. Honestly, breaking up has been the hardest to me as I know I'm gonna hurt someone that I still do love (but not enough to stay in relationship with/to see a long-term future). There can be a million reasons behind her breaking up, her moving away from you certainly being one of them. Hope you'll feel better soon!

zoltani

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #32 on: May 02, 2018, 03:34:26 PM »
I don't like stereotyping and for a long time I expected women to think and communicate like men. That's probably more misogynist than realizing that men and women communicate differently. Once you understand that women communicate more with emotions then you can understand their communication style better. I think that is what KTG is getting at, though a little less tactful perhaps. Overall his advice is pretty good, live for yourself, find your mission, and allow a woman to prove herself to you. What is wrong with that?

The forums are free of stereotyping? That is laughable. That is certainly not the case when stereotyping people that live in suburbs, or trump voters, or homeschooling, or religion, or republicans, or any other thing that goes slightly against the mainstream thought of the forums. I think you meant we try and only have acceptable stereotypes on the forum.

joonifloofeefloo

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #33 on: May 02, 2018, 03:46:55 PM »
...live for yourself, find your mission, and allow a woman to prove herself to you. What is wrong with that?

Nothing. If he'd said that, we'd probably all be cheering his post!

The forums are free of stereotyping? That is laughable. That is certainly not the case when stereotyping people that live in suburbs, or trump voters, or homeschooling, or religion, or republicans, or any other thing that goes slightly against the mainstream thought of the forums. I think you meant we try and only have acceptable stereotypes on the forum.

Are you referring to what I said? Because I think I was the person that said the closest thing to that, yet not that at all.

I said there is stereotyping including a lot of misandry, the forum (not all individual posters) aims to be free of it, and a bunch of us call out any form we see (including all those excellent examples you gave).

I agree that all the ones you listed likewise suck, all for the same reasons. I think I've called out every one of those (not every instance, just the ones I've seen) as well as countless counts of misandry (which has cleaned up quite a bit in the last couple of years).

partgypsy

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #34 on: May 02, 2018, 04:52:29 PM »
If I was going to make some generalizations between men and women, I don't think women are more emotional than men. I do feel that women in general are more in touch with their emotions, open to expressing emotions, and able to communicate and verbally articulate their emotions, while men are not as good as verbally processing their emotions and communicating them and may supress stuff. But to say that men somehow are devoid of an emotional landscape, is not accurate. 

What is interesting, is the way mysogenist guys talk about women, it cuts both ways. They are both "too emotional" but then they are also described as calculating creatures who are entirely pragmatic, preying and jumping from one man to the next based on things like attractiveness or how much money they have, with little or no emotions involved. I mean, which one is it?

zoltani

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #35 on: May 02, 2018, 04:58:37 PM »
...live for yourself, find your mission, and allow a woman to prove herself to you. What is wrong with that?

Nothing. If he'd said that, we'd probably all be cheering his post!

I gather you are a lot younger than I am, so I will pass on some advice I wish I could go back in time and tell myself: (1) Live for yourself first (and that doesn't mean be selfish); (2) Don't give too much too early, make them prove they are worth it first (which if they ARE interested, they will love to prove they are); (3) women are typically in the driver's seat on how a relationship progresses, even if they don't realize it (so don't rush it); and (4) when things don't work out with one girl, its just freeing you up to try it things out with another.

Cheer away!



joonifloofeefloo

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #36 on: May 02, 2018, 09:25:33 PM »
If he'd said *only* that, zoltani :) 
(or some additional great things too!)

2Cent

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #37 on: May 03, 2018, 02:53:35 AM »
....
Seems like you've got a very particular taste of women and it might be good to move around in some other social circles to meet some nicer ones.
This. The generalization he mentions I see in a certain type of woman. But the same behavior is there in certain groups of men, so it doesn't really follow gender. It's just a subculture of a certain group that he tends to move in. I worked with some construction workers a while back and lets just say the topic where a lot more explicit and less PC than what is discussed in the office. In fact, KTS's way of talking would be considered normal polite conversation in that circle, and probably for his circle this would be true as long as "woman" is taken as the woman in the circle he is in and not all woman in all the world.

I really like the Mod's response. Instead of shutting down the conversation it is engaged and allowed to be talked out. Especially since the main question on this thread was already answered.

GOFU

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #38 on: May 05, 2018, 01:16:48 PM »
To the OP: You really need to learn to not give a shit. She thinks you are not enough, not good enough? Fine. She wants to bang 20 or 50 more strange dudes and rack up student debt on a useless master's degree before trying to get some pussified beta male to agree to legitimize her and pay her bills? Fine. Just don't be that fool. Cut off all communication. Don't take her calls, don't respond to her texts and emails, and don't waste 5 more minutes of your life thinking about her.

Get your ass in the weight room. Go to poker night. Climb a mountain or trek a continent. Build your body, your mind, your fortune and your future and let her regret that tedious, insipid, trite conversation for the rest of her life. Go to Return of Kings dot com and learn some stuff.

Snake P. Jenga

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #39 on: May 05, 2018, 01:49:00 PM »
dj, you seem to be handling this breakup well, and with a generous understanding of where she's coming from. I'm not worried that you will fall into the sexism some people find in online groups based around twisted views of women. Your way of peacefully moving on seems much healthier, so good for you.
« Last Edit: May 05, 2018, 01:58:28 PM by MonkeyJenga »

Dabnasty

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #40 on: May 05, 2018, 04:52:12 PM »
To the OP: You really need to learn to not give a shit. She thinks you are not enough, not good enough? Fine. She wants to bang 20 or 50 more strange dudes and rack up student debt on a useless master's degree before trying to get some pussified beta male to agree to legitimize her and pay her bills? Fine. Just don't be that fool. Cut off all communication. Don't take her calls, don't respond to her texts and emails, and don't waste 5 more minutes of your life thinking about her.

Get your ass in the weight room. Go to poker night. Climb a mountain or trek a continent. Build your body, your mind, your fortune and your future and let her regret that tedious, insipid, trite conversation for the rest of her life. Go to Return of Kings dot com and learn some stuff.

Not cool man. If your view of women is at all based on that website, you need to stop giving advice and ask for some. This forum might not be a bad place to start.

Fireball

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #41 on: May 05, 2018, 07:16:06 PM »
To the OP: You really need to learn to not give a shit. She thinks you are not enough, not good enough? Fine. She wants to bang 20 or 50 more strange dudes and rack up student debt on a useless master's degree before trying to get some pussified beta male to agree to legitimize her and pay her bills? Fine. Just don't be that fool. Cut off all communication. Don't take her calls, don't respond to her texts and emails, and don't waste 5 more minutes of your life thinking about her.

Get your ass in the weight room. Go to poker night. Climb a mountain or trek a continent. Build your body, your mind, your fortune and your future and let her regret that tedious, insipid, trite conversation for the rest of her life. Go to Return of Kings dot com and learn some stuff.

Given that 1/2 this thread was devoted to thrashing KTG's post, I couldn't help but laugh at this. lol

Kris

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #42 on: May 06, 2018, 06:28:53 AM »
To the OP: You really need to learn to not give a shit. She thinks you are not enough, not good enough? Fine. She wants to bang 20 or 50 more strange dudes and rack up student debt on a useless master's degree before trying to get some pussified beta male to agree to legitimize her and pay her bills? Fine. Just don't be that fool. Cut off all communication. Don't take her calls, don't respond to her texts and emails, and don't waste 5 more minutes of your life thinking about her.

Get your ass in the weight room. Go to poker night. Climb a mountain or trek a continent. Build your body, your mind, your fortune and your future and let her regret that tedious, insipid, trite conversation for the rest of her life. Go to Return of Kings dot com and learn some stuff.

Good lord. Well, OP, at least you have a great example of how not to react. Sexism and frustrated anger is just a feedback loop that will make your next relationships even harder as you calcify into a bitter, frustrated old dude who spends his time hanging out with other bitter old dudes, bitching about how women suck and fantasizing about a time when they will be treated like kings even though they act like pathetic pubescent children.
« Last Edit: May 06, 2018, 06:47:41 AM by Kris »

Polaria

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #43 on: May 06, 2018, 07:40:43 AM »
Frankly at this stage I am not quite sure what's sarcastic or not in this thread. Apparently I am also one of those women who are not supposed to exist in some peeps' world...

Anyway, relationships get to spiral into complexity very easily. I would agree on the "don't overthink this too much". Many questions in life are not meant to be answered, and questions about motives of exes on breaking up tend to fall into that category.

GOFU

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #44 on: May 06, 2018, 10:26:56 AM »
To the OP: You really need to learn to not give a shit. She thinks you are not enough, not good enough? Fine. She wants to bang 20 or 50 more strange dudes and rack up student debt on a useless master's degree before trying to get some pussified beta male to agree to legitimize her and pay her bills? Fine. Just don't be that fool. Cut off all communication. Don't take her calls, don't respond to her texts and emails, and don't waste 5 more minutes of your life thinking about her.

Get your ass in the weight room. Go to poker night. Climb a mountain or trek a continent. Build your body, your mind, your fortune and your future and let her regret that tedious, insipid, trite conversation for the rest of her life. Go to Return of Kings dot com and learn some stuff.

Good lord. Well, OP, at least you have a great example of how not to react. Sexism and frustrated anger is just a feedback loop that will make your next relationships even harder as you calcify into a bitter, frustrated old dude who spends his time hanging out with other bitter old dudes, bitching about how women suck and fantasizing about a time when they will be treated like kings even though they act like pathetic pubescent children.

How does anyone get this from what I wrote?

I specifically recommended to the OP that he learn to not give a shit, with the further simple suggestion to do some things to improve himself. Indifference is 180 degrees from anger, frustration, or bitching. Self-improvement and mission-mindedness are in diametric opposition to bitter calcification and fantasy. Nothing sexist about it.

I suggested cutting off all communication to prevent the emotionally poisonous and distracting drip, drip, drip of hanging on. Something the OP said he had already decided, by the way. Perfectly reasonable and usually the recommended course for anyone after getting dumped.

Hirondelle

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #45 on: May 06, 2018, 10:31:29 AM »
To the OP: You really need to learn to not give a shit. She thinks you are not enough, not good enough? Fine. She wants to bang 20 or 50 more strange dudes and rack up student debt on a useless master's degree before trying to get some pussified beta male to agree to legitimize her and pay her bills? Fine. Just don't be that fool. Cut off all communication. Don't take her calls, don't respond to her texts and emails, and don't waste 5 more minutes of your life thinking about her.

Get your ass in the weight room. Go to poker night. Climb a mountain or trek a continent. Build your body, your mind, your fortune and your future and let her regret that tedious, insipid, trite conversation for the rest of her life. Go to Return of Kings dot com and learn some stuff.

Good lord. Well, OP, at least you have a great example of how not to react. Sexism and frustrated anger is just a feedback loop that will make your next relationships even harder as you calcify into a bitter, frustrated old dude who spends his time hanging out with other bitter old dudes, bitching about how women suck and fantasizing about a time when they will be treated like kings even though they act like pathetic pubescent children.

How does anyone get this from what I wrote?

I specifically recommended to the OP that he learn to not give a shit, with the further simple suggestion to do some things to improve himself. Indifference is 180 degrees from anger, frustration, or bitching. Self-improvement and mission-mindedness are in diametric opposition to bitter calcification and fantasy. Nothing sexist about it.

I suggested cutting off all communication to prevent the emotionally poisonous and distracting drip, drip, drip of hanging on. Something the OP said he had already decided, by the way. Perfectly reasonable and usually the recommended course for anyone after getting dumped.

I think the bolded part was probably the thing people took offense off. You basically told him she's a slut that just wants a man to pay bills for her, he's a pussy that should get more manly by doing poker nights and weight lifting and she'll be regretting missing out on this wonderful alpha male.

If you'd just say the things from your 2nd post, nobody would mind.

MrsWhipple

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #46 on: May 06, 2018, 10:46:13 AM »
How does anyone get this from what I wrote?
"Everybody thinks I'm a sexist asshole. Wow, it's crazy how everybody is so wrong about me, huh!?"

KTG

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #47 on: May 07, 2018, 08:04:45 AM »
To the OP: You really need to learn to not give a shit. She thinks you are not enough, not good enough? Fine. She wants to bang 20 or 50 more strange dudes and rack up student debt on a useless master's degree before trying to get some pussified beta male to agree to legitimize her and pay her bills? Fine. Just don't be that fool. Cut off all communication. Don't take her calls, don't respond to her texts and emails, and don't waste 5 more minutes of your life thinking about her.

Get your ass in the weight room. Go to poker night. Climb a mountain or trek a continent. Build your body, your mind, your fortune and your future and let her regret that tedious, insipid, trite conversation for the rest of her life. Go to Return of Kings dot com and learn some stuff.

Given that 1/2 this thread was devoted to thrashing KTG's post, I couldn't help but laugh at this. lol

Yeah, who the hell does GOFU think he is for trying to upstage me?!?!

I have no idea what that website is, but I agree with all the other advice he is giving. It is exactly what I have learned that I need to hear if I am spending too much time depressed over a chic. Uh oh, I just said chic. 

Quote from: GOFU
It's just a subculture of a certain group that he tends to move in.

HOW DARE YOU STEREOTYPE ME!!!

Haha just kidding. You pretty much nailed it on the head. Forgot I was hanging out with more civilized people in here.
« Last Edit: May 07, 2018, 11:44:27 AM by KTG »

Kris

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Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #48 on: May 07, 2018, 08:43:57 AM »
To the OP: You really need to learn to not give a shit. She thinks you are not enough, not good enough? Fine. She wants to bang 20 or 50 more strange dudes and rack up student debt on a useless master's degree before trying to get some pussified beta male to agree to legitimize her and pay her bills? Fine. Just don't be that fool. Cut off all communication. Don't take her calls, don't respond to her texts and emails, and don't waste 5 more minutes of your life thinking about her.

Get your ass in the weight room. Go to poker night. Climb a mountain or trek a continent. Build your body, your mind, your fortune and your future and let her regret that tedious, insipid, trite conversation for the rest of her life. Go to Return of Kings dot com and learn some stuff.

Good lord. Well, OP, at least you have a great example of how not to react. Sexism and frustrated anger is just a feedback loop that will make your next relationships even harder as you calcify into a bitter, frustrated old dude who spends his time hanging out with other bitter old dudes, bitching about how women suck and fantasizing about a time when they will be treated like kings even though they act like pathetic pubescent children.

How does anyone get this from what I wrote?

I specifically recommended to the OP that he learn to not give a shit, with the further simple suggestion to do some things to improve himself. Indifference is 180 degrees from anger, frustration, or bitching. Self-improvement and mission-mindedness are in diametric opposition to bitter calcification and fantasy. Nothing sexist about it.

I suggested cutting off all communication to prevent the emotionally poisonous and distracting drip, drip, drip of hanging on. Something the OP said he had already decided, by the way. Perfectly reasonable and usually the recommended course for anyone after getting dumped.

I think the bolded part was probably the thing people took offense off. You basically told him she's a slut that just wants a man to pay bills for her, he's a pussy that should get more manly by doing poker nights and weight lifting and she'll be regretting missing out on this wonderful alpha male.

If you'd just say the things from your 2nd post, nobody would mind.

Yeah, well that, and also the f***ing shitshow of a website he mentioned as a place to (lol) "learn" some things.

NorthernBlitz

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  • Posts: 326
Re: Just some ended relationship venting...
« Reply #49 on: May 07, 2018, 09:00:09 AM »
DJ

That really sucks man. Sounds like you found a "right person" at the "wrong time".

I felt that way about my high school gf. We broke up before going to University because we were going to different schools. If it was 50 years ago and people stayed in the same village, I think we would have ended up together.

The good news is that in a few years I found another person that I fit better with. I wouldn't trade the life we have for anything.

I trust that the same will happen to you in time...even if it doesn't feel that way now. Your future self will probably look back fondly on the relationship and remember that it probably helped you grow into a better partner.

Because you're on this site, that future you will probably be looking back on this relationship from a beach or homestead somewhere surrounded with people you love that you'll have significant time that you can spend with them. Things might suck now, but they'll get better.