Author Topic: If unexpectedly going to be home early, should one pre-notify others at home?  (Read 2056 times)

Fields of Gold

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 30
Some people have set schedules and arrive home around a certain known time.  Like a hypothetical 9-5 worker usually home no earlier than 5:45 on a workday.  On occasion, however, a person can unexpectedly leave work an hour or two early and arrive home around 4:30.

Should that person pre-notify others already at home (significant other/kids/babysitter) that one is on the way home early by sending a text or making a call?

The advance notice text message gives those at home the opportunity to conceal if they were up to no good (cheating partner; teens doing something unsafe; neglectful babysitter).  On the other hand, arriving home early unannounced could signal to them that they are not completely trusted.

Bracken_Joy

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8566
  • Location: Oregon
I really appreciate it, as the person often at home. If I'm not expecting someone and hear my door a-rattling, it startles me majorly. Also, because my puppy is a pushy little butthead, I usually use the bathroom with door open if I'm home alone, so she can come and go as her hyperactive little heart desires. It's quite nice to know when my husband is on his way, since we are firmly a closed-bathroom-door couple otherwise.

I think if you are legitimately weighing the 'would I catch them/would they think I'm trying to catch them' question, then there's been an erosion of trust in your relationship you really ought to examine. OTOH, the 'stupid teens' or 'negligent babysitter' are different questions which my years of infertility disqualify me from addressing.

SnackDog

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1201
  • Location: Latin America
I find an occasional mid-day surprise arrival keeps everyone on their toes.

BlueHouse

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2806
  • Location: WDC
I live alone and have a gun, so my family knows to pre-announce when they show up unexpectedly  (they all have codes to get in and are welcome to use my house anytime they want...so it's not uncommon)

My BIL showed up one time when he assumed I was at work.  I was taking a nap and he scared the bejeezus out of me.  I knew he was coming, but not that early.  Still, I didn't shoot him.

okits

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7769
  • Location: Canada
On the other hand, arriving home early unannounced could signal to them that they are not completely trusted.

Well, I try to call or message ahead, if I can and I think it matters, but coming home early unannounced?  I think that signals that I live there and finished whatever I was doing early.  Absent other factors I don't see a trust aspect to it.

Rural

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4672
I would prefer my husband let me know. If during the day, this is so I can try to be home to hang out with him instead of off running stupid errands. If at night, so his arrival doesn't scare the shit out of me and our old dog,


He prefers for me to let him know because there's some true wilderness on my 35-mile commute and he keeps an eye on the time it takes me to get home in case I run into trouble in an area without cell coverage.

Sibley

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3221
  • Age: 33
  • Location: Chicago, IL
If you're concerned that arriving home unexpectedly is going to signal that you don't trust that person, then you have a very different problem and I recommend marriage/family counseling to help improve the relationship.

Otherwise, the only people coming to my house are guests. Since most of them are driving long distances to get to my house, the window of expectation can be hours long. Mom doesn't text, and usually doesn't have the cell phone on. Sister is good about updating. Dad we don't want to drive anymore, so he's not coming alone. If he's with mom, sometimes he thinks to update.

Mom has a key to the house, so doesn't matter if I'm not home. Sister is usually coming when everyone is coming, so it's much easier to make sure someone is here to let her in. It all works out.

Hula Hoop

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 766
  • Location: Italy
My husband coming home early unannounced one time was how we discovered that our babysitter was putting the baby in unsafe situations - ie. she was asleep on the couch with a pot burning on the stove and the one year old completely unsupervised.  So I'd say it's a good thing.

I usually tell my husband if I'm going to be home from work early just because I'm looking forward to having a bit more family time with him and the kids.

hops

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 216
  • Location: United States
My wife startles easily and naps whenever she has the opportunity. I tell her I'm on the way to hopefully keep her from having a heart attack when she wakes up to the sound of an opening door.

nick663

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 253
  • Location: midwest
My schedule is pretty flexible so I don't bother anymore for "normal" fluctuations.  I could be home at 2pm one day and 6pm the next depending on meetings/workload and how I'm covering it.

If it's something way out of the usual though I usually send a message saying I'm leaving early.  I don't text while driving so it's just a courtesy of "if you don't get a response from me in the next hour, I'm not dead"

Just Joe

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2230
I tell my wife, I don't tell the kids. From where everyone typically lounges in the house you can see the car slow and turn into the driveway. Dog hears me before I put the key into the lock. We are in a safe area. I trust my wife 120%, the kids 80%. They aren't known for doing bad things, just stupid teenager stuff like "nobody will notice if I sneak a smoke in the house - right?". Yeah, the smoke detector is disabled and I can smell cigarette smoke. It doesn't just go away ya know?

I check with the wife and she does the same for me so whoever has the car can pickup food at the grocery store if necessary.

Cranky

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1449
If my dh expects to eat dinner early or to go someplace with me, then he should let me know hell be home early (or late, for that matter.) Otherwise, Im just glad to see him. Were pretty boring!

MaybeBabyMustache

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1409
I most often text my nanny, as I pay her fixed hours regardless (we just don't need much help, so easiest to pay consistently). She can sometimes line up additional child care if I'm going to be home particularly early. As for my husband, I'm home first, so he's not surprised. We also have a garage door opener app, where you can see what time the garage door opens/closes. It's for theft, and because the kids leave for school on their own. But, if he wanted to, he could track what time I'm home.

AccidentalMiser

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 632
I arrive at various times and text my DW most of the time out of courtesy.  If it were kids or a baby-sitter or nanny, I'd just show up because it's my house and they need to be on their toes.


Pigeon

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1139
I live in my house and can come and go as I please.  Ditto for my partner.  We trust each other.  I don't see any point in alerting the kids.

Cassie

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4611
This is how we all lived before cell phones.

teen persuasion

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1046
DH tends to get home before me, anyways, so he's only likely to let me know if he's going to be late due to a meeting or appointment after work, etc.  DS5 calls me from home after school if he changes plans (e.g. he originally told me he'd come to the library after school and go home with me).  When DS4 is home, he might call me before I get home, to ask what he should start for dinner, and when to start it.  So we basically just try to keep each other in the loop if changes are made, so no one is worried, or to tweak timetables.

That said, it not that unusual for one of the adult kids to just pop in unannounced.  A few weeks back we'd invited DS2 over for dinner, and DH had asked if any of the kids wanted to join DH in a local 5k that morning.  None opted to register for the race.  DS2  showed up while DH and I were having breakfast, though, to lend moral support!  I wasn't expecting him until much later, but it was a nice surprise.

KBecks

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1439
Any of my immediate family members is welcome to walk into the house at any time. They live here.

Villanelle

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2306
What an odd question!  I prefer it if DH gives me a heads up, mostly because I startle VERY easily.  On many occasions I have yipped (and even screamed) when he appears unexpectedly.  (No, I have not been up to anything odd or secretive.)  However, that can be a "parking the car; I'll be walking in the house in about 90 seconds" text, which wouldn't give me time to cover up much.  After two middle of the night, top of the lung screams of terror (he works odd hours, sometimes to include getting home long after I've gone to bed), for a while we had a "call from the front door to wake me up" thing as both of our hearts nearly exploded from the horrified shriek I made and we legit feared the neighbors would call the cops.  So he'd call, and once I'd been safely awakened by the phone, he'd come into the house (or would call from the house before entering the room where I was sleeping.)

However, if figuring out whether you want to give your family time to cover up their misdeeds is having to be weighted with showing them you don't trust them (and the fact that is is even a decision to weigh means you don't in fact trust them), there are larger issues at play.  Depending on the relationship with the person you don't trust (partner, employee, offspring), you probably need to make some bigger changes than notification protocol. 

Zikoris

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3159
  • Age: 32
  • Location: Vancouver, BC
  • Vancouverstachian
I think it's a nice thing to do, but I don't really care. My boyfriend is really good about it - I think I accidentally trained him early on because I needed to know that information for dinner purposes for quite a few years due to differing schedules. Now it's not really an issue anymore, but he still does it, which is nice. I tend to forget more often than not, unfortunately. I'm not trying to catch him doing anything, it just doesn't cross my mind to call unless I need something.

limeandpepper

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4537
  • Location: Australasia
Our schedules are a bit random anyway, so we don't tend to call if we'll be home earlier than expected, only if we'll be home quite late, because we assume we have dinner together unless otherwise discussed, so coming home later is useful information for the other person while coming home earlier is just a pleasant surprise.

use2betrix

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1191
I usually let my wife know so if she has anything left to do (dishes, laundry, etc) I know she will get them done then instead of putting off til a bit later, so we can go to the gym, watch a movie, etc.

She startled easy, but I know that she just really wants a heads up for the reasons above so she can get things done so we can spend more time together.

Johnez

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 951
  • Location: Southern California
Whenever I'm off early I like to call my lady and give her the good news. Usually she's happy to have me take over corralling the kids so she can take a shower or something.

I'm a red panda

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7357
  • Location: United States
I let my husband know if I'll be home late, or if I'm starting a drive in bad weather, but not early.


LetItGrow

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 14
This is how we all lived before cell phones.

We had a saying in the Army if you came in early from a field exercise: drop a dime, save a marriage

Point being, this isn't a recent thing.

As others said, we normally do it just for safety, especially if we are coming back from out of town.

sparkytheop

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 682
I'm single, so this is all "what if" (although I do have a son...)

I work a full-time rotating shift and often have a week or two off at a time (when I'm not working 469 hours of OT in a year).  Currently, I live in town, but will eventually be moving "to the middle of nowhere". 

Reasons it would be handy-- on the days I don't want to venture out (will be more common once I move), if I knew someone was going to be coming home early, and could stop by somewhere they might not usually be able to stop (during Post Office or small shop hours), I might ask if they could stop on their way home for me.  Would save me a trip and the other person would still get home early.

I'm not one who is going to get "caught" doing anything wrong, but I wear a lot fewer clothes when my son is not home.  If he came home early and walked in on me in just my underoos, well, that may be a bit embarrassing, so it's always nice to know if he's going to be home early.  Now, if it was a spouse, that wouldn't matter at all.

My schedule is so weird that I have to keep track of it with a calendar.  My son doesn't have the calendar, so if he cares if I'm working or not for any reason, he'll ask.  If I get a chance to leave early (rarely happens because we have to cover the shift 24/7), I might give him a call and ask if he needs me to stop anywhere on the way home.  If I don't feel like stopping anywhere, I just come home, no "warning".

I've had many coworkers decide to leave early and they have caught some people in the act (a spouse or a kid with a "friend").

Oh, for a babysitter...  When my son was young enough to have one, if I got off a few hours early, I might have gone home to take a quick nap, or tried to do my shopping by myself, etc.  However, if I was going to pick him up, I would give her a call.  She did daycare in her home, and it was always easier when a kid was "prepped" to go home, so I didn't show up right while he was in the middle of something fun that I'd have to tear him away from.  I never felt the need to catch her in the middle of anything, it was just easier on everyone when the kid got at least a few minutes heads-up.

Fields of Gold

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 30

We had a saying in the Army if you came in early from a field exercise: drop a dime, save a marriage
I tried searching that phrase but no explanation.  The "drop a dime" seems to refer to using a pay phone.  How does calling before coming home early "save a marriage"?
« Last Edit: December 09, 2018, 11:20:24 PM by Fields of Gold »

Linda_Norway

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3722

We had a saying in the Army if you came in early from a field exercise: drop a dime, save a marriage
I tried searching that phrase but no explanation.  The "drop a dime" seems to refer to using a pay phone.  How does calling before coming home early "save a marriage"?

Maybe a relative large percentage of military spouses cheated on their partner and could send their lover out through the back door?

Linda_Norway

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3722
DH and I don't tell each other if we are early. Only if we are late, so that the other can make the proper arrangements for dinner.
I have been home alone and heard someone coming in the front door and root around in the hallway for half a minute. It happens that I check whether it is indeed DH and not some stranger, or I just presume it is DH and wait until he enters the living room. I do not get provoked by him coming home earlier. We both live there and are allowed to come home at any time.

I'm a red panda

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7357
  • Location: United States

We had a saying in the Army if you came in early from a field exercise: drop a dime, save a marriage
I tried searching that phrase but no explanation.  The "drop a dime" seems to refer to using a pay phone.  How does calling before coming home early "save a marriage"?

I assume that it just meant "make noise before entering the house".  But for the same reason Linda_Norway said- to get the lover out the back window...

Which to me is annoying.  If I did let DH know I was coming home early, I'd hope it was so we could make plans to do something together; not so he could hide his cheating.

Mississippi Mudstache

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1852
  • Age: 35
  • Location: Danielsville, GA
    • A Riving Home - Ramblings of a Recusant Woodworker
I typically give my wife a heads up when I leave the office, regardless of whether I'm coming home late or on time. But she's at home with four kids by the time I get home most days, so it's a polite courtesy to let her know that backup is coming. She is not offended when I forget to text her.

PDXTabs

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 720
  • Age: 35
  • Location: Vancouver, WA, USA
I don't think that it is necessary, but it is nice.

For example, if my partner tells me that she will be home early I will work extra hard to get my day job done earlier rather than later.

Additionally, if you have a teen you might just come home to find them not wearing any clothes, which could be awkward.
« Last Edit: December 10, 2018, 09:15:35 AM by PDXTabs »

Still Being

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 664
This is how we all lived before cell phones.

I'm not sure I understand?? Malfunction beep boop beep

LetItGrow

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 14

We had a saying in the Army if you came in early from a field exercise: drop a dime, save a marriage
I tried searching that phrase but no explanation.  The "drop a dime" seems to refer to using a pay phone.  How does calling before coming home early "save a marriage"?

Maybe a relative large percentage of military spouses cheated on their partner and could send their lover out through the back door?

Precisely, call home
« Last Edit: December 10, 2018, 07:11:30 PM by LetItGrow »

iris lily

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2989
Any of my immediate family members is welcome to walk into the house at any time. They live here.

I know, right? This is weird.

Granted, NOW we are retired and so coming and going at all houris the norm. But even with regular work hours, I wouldnt have called DH to tell him I was leaving work,early. It is my house, I dont need to announce my presence.

I'm a red panda

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7357
  • Location: United States

We had a saying in the Army if you came in early from a field exercise: drop a dime, save a marriage
I tried searching that phrase but no explanation.  The "drop a dime" seems to refer to using a pay phone.  How does calling before coming home early "save a marriage"?

Maybe a relative large percentage of military spouses cheated on their partner and could send their lover out through the back door?

Precisely, call home

Seems like it is better to find out about the affair and stop being lied to. 

Michael in ABQ

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 476
    • Military Saints
Usually I do so my wife knows that she'll have backup for the kids but sometimes I don't because it's a pleasant surprise for me to get home early. We homeschool and all of our kids are younger so there's no thought of "catching" anyone doing something they shouldn't.