I just burst into tears in front of my boss

[fallstoclimb]

I realize this isn't really the sort of topic people post about here, but the only other online community I'm involved with is jezebel groupthink, and I don't understand how to post there.  I need reassurance from people who are established in their careers and aren't my mom.

I have seasonal depression.  I've dealt with it for forever and I mostly know how to deal with it.  However, I can curate flawless armor and it still sometimes comes crashing down.  My past 24 hours consisted of lifting challenging weights, doing a friend a favor by driving them to the airport, reading a good book, going to bed early, getting up to take the dog on a walk, sitting in front of my sun lamp, some brief dog cuddle time, biking to work, not procrastinating online and working hard all morning.  Good diet (no sugar, no alcohol), lots of exercise, lots of purpose.  It's freaking Friday and I have a fun and frugal weekend planned.  And still.  I was crying in the bathroom at work by 9:30 am.

This is something that happens.  I've spent my whole life desperately trying to hide it while I'm at work.  But around 11am today, my boss called me in to his office, closed the door, and asked if I was okay.  I opened my mouth to deflect like I always do, but instead I had a stealth attack of emotion and suddenly I was sobbing in front of him. 

I. am. so. embarrassed.

I'm a 29 year old woman who is pretty well respected.  I work hard to put together a professional demeaner in meetings because it does not come naturally to me.  My boss thinks I'm fabulous and is (was?) grooming me for leadership positions.  I am not so interested in that, but I want to be a noted analyst in my field.   I have never cried in front of a boss before.

I ended up admitting I had seasonal depression but reassuring him I was okay and deflecting the converation back to work as soon as I was able.  He let me and I think we will both pretend this never happened.  He did offer whatever concessions I needed (telework, personal days), which was kind, but I would really prefer he not know and still think of me as a competent professional woman who is NOT prone to emotional outbursts.

I was horrified that he noticed me being depressed at all, but when I said something about it affecting my work, he assured me he didn't think that at all and had just seen me down / red-eyed for days.  I know depression is not something to be ashamed of but I am ashamed that my boss knows.

Can someone please reassure me that I did not just destroy my image in the eyes of my boss, and serve as an embarrassment to women everywhere?  He's a great boss, but he is new to managing, so I probably am the first employee he has ever had crying in his office.  Especially over something hard to comprehend like depression.

[ace1224]

i once got busted having a full on panic attack in the cylinder room at my work.  it was so very embarrassing.  she handled me delicately for a while but after a couple of months things went back to normal.
i have just as much responsibility at work, even more now.  and she treats me completely normal. its actually better now, because when i do feel like i'm going to have one she doesn't come looking for me since she knows that i am prone to them at times.  its like the elephant in the room is gone.

[senecando]

For all you know, he is currently worried about whether he did the right thing, whether he should have done more or less. Or maybe he has some experience which makes this a bit understandable to him.

You didn't take a shit in the hallway. You didn't see him naked. I don't think this is the kind of thing you have to pretend never happened.

If you think he was being kind, thank him. If not, don't. Resist the urge to apologize.

Honestly, from afar, I think this is a good sign in terms of your future working there.

[Gray Matter]

One year I had a very bad year:  buying a house, selling a house, moving into the new (old) house and starting to work on it only to discover two months later that we'd been breathing lead dust, had a toddler, was pregnant, three dogs, two cats, husband was out of town 6 months that year, trying to write my dissertation and work full-time, found a lump in my breast, had a huge falling out with my parents over my childrearing approach.  Yeah, I ended up crying in front of my boss THREE times that year.

She was kind and supportive and I don't think it hurt my career.  At the end of the year, as we were discussing goals for the next year, I said one of my goals was not to cry in front of her at all in the upcoming year--we had a good laugh over that.  This was nearly 10 years ago, I still work there, have  good reputation and have been given many opportunities since then.

As a manager, it's not that unusual to have someone in your office crying--three of the six people on my team have done this once or twice.  It does not color my view of their performance--I judge that independently.  We are human, and I think it's OK to bring/show emotions in the workplace as long as they don't interfere with our getting the job done.

I do think it's important to bring it back to work as quickly as possible and carry on performing to the high level you have.  It's also important to take care of yourself--if your company has related resources for employees, take advantage of them.

[plainjane]

Can someone please reassure me that I did not just destroy my image in the eyes of my boss, and serve as an embarrassment to women everywhere?  He's a great boss, but he is new to managing, so I probably am the first employee he has ever had crying in his office.  Especially over something hard to comprehend like depression.

You are fine.  You may be the first employee who he has had crying in his office, but if he is a manager for any length of time you won't be the last. 

It sounds like you both treated it well, and it's great that he checked in to make sure you were ok.  It's the sign of a good boss to keep on top of an employee's mood as well as their work.  He'll probably keep a closer eye on you in the future, checking for stress points and wanting to validate to himself that you're still producing good work, but you shouldn't fear this will hold you back.  Just do great work, and it sounds like he'll recognize it.

[forward]

Fallstoclimb - first I want to thank you for asking about this and describing the situation.  I am well established in my career and at the highest levels of leadership in my profession and your post was reassuring to me and I want to reassure you.  First, thruout my career I have gone to great lengths to do all the 'right' things in taking care of myself and despite that, during certain times I feel like crap and I'm thinking WTF?!  Taking care of myself helps but it doesn't completely alleviate the depression challenge and that sucks.

Regarding what happened.  It won't hurt you.  Don't quit trying and making your contribution.  Your boss will think youve been through some tough things and you have a lot of character, that makes you valuable.

[ctaardvark]

A month into my first job out of college, I broke down in front of my boss.  I was working in Boston (a huge change from the rural environment I grew up in), living on my own for the first time, commuting more than an hour each way and having a hard time scaling the learning curve at work.  My boss seemed tough as nails, but when it happened she did a complete 180 degree turn and handled the situation gently.  She reassured me I wasn't in danger of being fired.  It was a real breakthrough for me -- I felt like we were on the same team for the first time and I relaxed enough to learn things more efficiently and start being productive.  I did well enough to get two raises in a sixteen month period after that.

I had co-workers cry in front of me before and I tried to extend the same kindness that was given to me.  I had a friend have an anxiety attack while visiting my wife and myself.  We just gave her space and let her work through it with her husband, then resumed the visit like nothing ever happened.

If your boss is a decent person (and based on what you said above, he sounds like he is) you have nothing to worry about.

[fallstoclimb]

Well, thanks for the reassurance everyone.  I still feel humiliated but we did continue to have a high-powered workday after that so I suspect he is not judging me for it.  I just sometimes feel like the only human working around automatrons - everyone else can hide their emotions so well. 

[galliver]

Mortifying crying moment: Few years ago, I got my first and only non-{A,B,C,D} grade on an exam and went to talk to my prof about it. I fully planned to be pulled together and mature about it, ask if I could demonstrate my knowledge of the subject to him through a retake or a paper, etc. I totally bawled in his office for like 10 minutes, instead, too mortified to leave. At the end he asked me what my other grades in the class were (All A's). Then told me to go study for the final and not worry about it. I still wonder if I cried my way into my A for the class and feel embarrassed about it. In retrospect, he  was (and is) one of the toughest profs in the department (or teaches the toughest class, anyway), and he's like 3000 years old. I'm absolutely certain I was not the first student to cry at him.

Jezebel has some to say on the subject:
I remember enjoying this article: http://jezebel.com/5885735/the-art-and-science-of-crying-at-work
And I found this one as I was searching: http://jezebel.com/5990188/sheryl-sandberg-on-why-its-ok-to-cry-at-work It's rather long, so here's the relevant passage I liked:

Look, I'm not suggesting that the way to get to the corner office is to cry as much as possible. Nobody is going to publish the next Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and say that crying is one of them. But I am saying that it happens. It has happened to me. It has happened to me more than once. It will happen to me again. It happens to other women. Rather than spend all this time beating ourselves up for it, let's accept ourselves. OK, I cried, life went on. And I think that's part of the message of Lean In, like we are human beings, we are emotional beings and we can be our whole selves at work.

*disclaimer* I don't know enough about Sheryl Sandberg/Lean In to know if I like her take on women in industry/tech/leadership.

[davisgang90]

You are fine.  One of my best officers burst into tears in my office.  It didn't lower my opinion of her in the slightest.  We are human and you have a very good reason for your tears today.

[StetsTerhune]

Your boss seems reasonable and I would very much doubt he lost any respect for you. What you describe is very different from the "crying" that newspaper articles like to claim is an no-no at work. If your boss had called you in and criticized your work and you would have started crying, that could be bad. But that's not at all what happened. You said this is something you've dealt with for a while, and he knows you've always gotten your work done. Period. This is no different than getting physically sick at work. Embarrassing, sure, but no one will think less of you.

[AccidentalMiser]

I'd like to echo what everyone else said.  People are human.  Humans have emotions.  Humans get depressed.  You may be embarrassed, but it's not likely your career is in jeopardy.

If you were my friend (we're all sort of like friends here, aren't we?), I would gently urge you to talk to your doctor about your seasonal depression.  She (or he) may be able to help you more than us or your mom.

[ch12]

I'd like to echo what everyone else said.  People are human.  Humans have emotions. 

This.

I've cried publicly at work 3 times in the last month. One was when my old boss was leaving and we had our last 1-on-1 meeting. Two was when my old and new boss were doing my performance review on my old boss's last day. Three was when the boss of a software developer that I had major problems with suggested that deciding not to teach a 200-person class with that developer again was "extreme."

It wasn't the developer boss that made me cry. It was the remembrance of what it was like

• to walk into a classroom of 200 people 10 minutes beforehand and be handed a different script and a new presentation that completely rewrote what I wrote about my workday and role, then have class feedback that said that other people with my job had results that didn't match with mine - MY results didn't match with "my" slide
• to sit in meeting after meeting for 2-3 hours to brainstorm with someone only capable of saying "no"
• to go to a 30-minute meeting in someone's office in building B when the developer should have told me to go to building D, where he had just moved his office THAT DAY, to go over class feedback that he hadn't yet read and that he turned up 30 minutes late to.

One year I had a very bad year:  buying a house, selling a house, moving into the new (old) house and starting to work on it only to discover two months later that we'd been breathing lead dust, had a toddler, was pregnant, three dogs, two cats, husband was out of town 6 months that year, trying to write my dissertation and work full-time, found a lump in my breast, had a huge falling out with my parents over my childrearing approach.  Yeah, I ended up crying in front of my boss THREE times that year.

Obviously, I'm not the one who has been in the most stressful situations here. But it's ok to be human. It happens at work sometimes - and you are no less of a good worker due to crying.

[imustachemystash]

Chin up!  Someone at my work has SAD and she is fabulous to work with and is supported by administration.  In fact, she had her fluorescent lights replaced with the ones that mimic sunlight.  Your boss might want to help you in some way and maybe that is something you could research and request for your office. 

[ShortInSeattle]

Can someone please reassure me that I did not just destroy my image in the eyes of my boss, and serve as an embarrassment to women everywhere?  He's a great boss, but he is new to managing, so I probably am the first employee he has ever had crying in his office.  Especially over something hard to comprehend like depression.

You are fine.  You may be the first employee who he has had crying in his office, but if he is a manager for any length of time you won't be the last. 

It sounds like you both treated it well, and it's great that he checked in to make sure you were ok.  It's the sign of a good boss to keep on top of an employee's mood as well as their work.  He'll probably keep a closer eye on you in the future, checking for stress points and wanting to validate to himself that you're still producing good work, but you shouldn't fear this will hold you back.  Just do great work, and it sounds like he'll recognize it.

+1.

[DK]

Probably multiple things going on here - but for one thing, start taking Vitamin D3. It's cheap and it helps. You can go to the doc to get your levels tested if you are worried about it too. Especially in the winter months, and if you are in a northern state, taking 2000IU-5000IU a day won't hurt. I was borderline low and noticed it helped after I started taking it.

[mc6]

I need reassurance from people who are established in their careers and aren't my mom.

Thank you for sharing this.  Your boss sounds like a good and decent human being.  I've had stressful jobs in emotional places with many tears shed.  I wouldn't worry too much about it. 

[dragoncar]

Can someone please reassure me that I did not just destroy my image in the eyes of my boss, and serve as an embarrassment to women everywhere? 

No, those jeans don't make you look fat!

[fallstoclimb]

This is no different than getting physically sick at work. Embarrassing, sure, but no one will think less of you.

Thank you, this made me feel a lot better about it.  I would also be horrified by that but of COURSE no one would hold it against me.

If you were my friend (we're all sort of like friends here, aren't we?), I would gently urge you to talk to your doctor about your seasonal depression.  She (or he) may be able to help you more than us or your mom.

Yes, this is the next step.  I thought I had a handle on it with the Vitamin D and the exercising and the sun lamp but clearly I need a little extra help.  Thank you for the concern. 

[melalvai]

...serve as an embarrassment to women everywhere?

I challenge you to investigate your impression of crying as embarrassing to women. The implication is that in order for women to succeed in the workplace, we have to be more like men. I prefer to think that in order for women to succeed in the workplace, we have to make the workplace a place where women can succeed by being women. Not by being men.

Furthermore, a lot of men would appreciate the workplace being a bit more nurturing and accepting of emotion, and less competitive. I keep reading headlines that white men in the US don't have male friends. They want friends, they end up with female friends (who are wives and/or complications crop up), but our culture particularly makes it hard for men to be friends with each other. (This makes me curious what it is about other cultures in the US that men can be friends with each other.)

That's a deep subject and I don't mean for the thread to go off on this tangent, but let's think about this in terms of making the workplace more accepting of emotion rather than changing ourselves so we are less emotional.

I'm encouraged by your seeking reassurance and by all the responses. 20 years ago, I was embarrassed because I'd cried in front of a professor. Anyone remember those alt-net listservs? I posted about it on a Women in Science group, then went home for a few days. When I checked back in, there'd been a flurry of activity, most of people chastising the very first person to respond. The first person to respond had criticized women who cry on purpose to manipulate their male bosses! So, I'm relieved that there's none of THAT going on here.

[lifejoy]

Think about this way: maybe your boss has a new level of respect for you, because he now knows how truly impressive it is that you're so capable at work.

Also, I cried a few days ago. It happens. If your boss has a good heart and a sharp mind (mine does) - they won't use it against you.

[Ozstache]

In my previous work life, I've been in a similar position as a boss with a staff member crying in front of me when I asked what was wrong. I asked them because they had been very withdrawn for the previous few days and I was genuinely concerned that they were going to commit self harm. Turns out that life was just getting to them and they actually welcomed the opportunity to use me as a sounding board for their situation. I did not think anything less of them as a person or an employee for getting to that state - I'm sure we, myself included, have all felt that way at times in our lives - I was just glad to have been able to help. If my experience is anything to go by, you should be pleased that your boss cared enough about your welfare to pull you in to talk about it and truly values what you contribute to the workplace regardless of your state at the time. 

[impaire]

Actually, just a thought: if your boss had noticed you being down/red-eyed for a while, then having a talk which reassured him/her that it's SAD and that you are addressing it may be reassuring--you're not having horrible difficulties which may end up causing you to adopt an errant behavior, you have a long-term disability (or illness) which you have proven does not hold you back. Now just keep proving it!

Random moment: I started juicing in the winter (in the morning) a few years ago, and it helped me with seasonal mood swings (not full SAD but related). It's anecdotal and frankly, I don't get it (juice = sugar, right?), other than it was so delicious it had to be good for my morale. Anyway, for some reason it worked better than anything else I've ever tried. So keep looking and experimenting, and good luck!

[oldtoyota]

...serve as an embarrassment to women everywhere?

Furthermore, a lot of men would appreciate the workplace being a bit more nurturing and accepting of emotion, and less competitive. I keep reading headlines that white men in the US don't have male friends. They want friends, they end up with female friends (who are wives and/or complications crop up), but our culture particularly makes it hard for men to be friends with each other. (This makes me curious what it is about other cultures in the US that men can be friends with each other.)

I think about this topic a lot and agree with what you've said. A neighbor pointed me to an article (maybe from Slate??) about how men give up their best friends around age 15 because that is around the age when they realize they are not supposed to "love" other guys. I simplified the entire article, yet that is the gist of it.

I'm glad your boss was nice about it. People cry at my office all of the time. Maybe you will start a trend! More people should show emotion, I think.

Also, do not beat yourself up for having emotions or being more emotional (if that's even really accurate!) than others. You having feelings might be a gift of some kind.

[Nords]

I was horrified that he noticed me being depressed at all, but when I said something about it affecting my work, he assured me he didn't think that at all and had just seen me down / red-eyed for days.  I know depression is not something to be ashamed of but I am ashamed that my boss knows.

Can someone please reassure me that I did not just destroy my image in the eyes of my boss, and serve as an embarrassment to women everywhere?  He's a great boss, but he is new to managing, so I probably am the first employee he has ever had crying in his office.  Especially over something hard to comprehend like depression.

In my previous work life, I've been in a similar position as a boss with a staff member crying in front of me when I asked what was wrong. I asked them because they had been very withdrawn for the previous few days and I was genuinely concerned that they were going to commit self harm. Turns out that life was just getting to them and they actually welcomed the opportunity to use me as a sounding board for their situation. I did not think anything less of them as a person or an employee for getting to that state - I'm sure we, myself included, have all felt that way at times in our lives - I was just glad to have been able to help. If my experience is anything to go by, you should be pleased that your boss cared enough about your welfare to pull you in to talk about it and truly values what you contribute to the workplace regardless of your state at the time.

I've had three good shipmates commit suicide with zero warning.  It's devastating, and over a decade later I can hardly discuss it without tearing up.  A few months after the third funeral when a problem cropped up with a student at our military training command, our antennae got awfully twitchy.  I responded with what is politely known in the Navy as "intrusive leadership", and I actually drove the young sailor back over to his commodore's office for a walk-in chat with the command master chief and the chaplain. 

Long story short:  we ended up saving two lives, both his and his partner's.  His performance made a complete turnaround and he graduated with the rest of his group.  None of this ever showed up in any paperwork and I don't think his submarine command ever heard about it either-- commodore's discretion.

I suspect that your boss has had some awareness training on warning signs (or maybe even some experience) and has learned to ask about it while the asking is good.  No harm, no foul, and undoubtedly a tremendous sense of relief.  He's probably glad to know that he (or his office) wasn't the cause of the issue.  He also knows that there's no sinister interpretation of your SAD symptoms, and the two of you can appropriately manage your workload and whatever you want to do with your career. 

You showed a lot of courage there, and you probably earned a lot of respect for it.

[Strawberrykiwi75]

Someone once told me that I'm the epitome of that Internet quote "...tell yourself that you're a badass bitch from hell and that no one can fuck with you- and then don't let anybody fuck with you!"

... But I've cried at work at least 4 times in the last year! I think they're used to it now lol. Crying is not a weakness, it's a strength to feel comfortable with your emotions. It certainly hasn't affected me- I got promoted during that year and then got my contract made permanent (separately), AND got 2 raises. Don't worry about the crying and just be AWESOME :-)

[secondcor521]

The only thing I want to add is that it can take a very long time to figure out and manage all of the causes of why a particular day is good or bad.  I've battled this stuff for about 25 years, and I still don't understand all of my own patterns.  What helps me a little bit at least is to see the patterns and accept them even if I can't fix them or avoid them.  For example, about every month or two I will have a super-good day followed by a crummy day, followed by normal days for a long time.  Now that I know this pattern, on the super-good day I can remind myself that even though tomorrow may be crummy, the next day will be better.

So even though you had a good previous 24 hours, and had a good weekend planned, maybe it was something that happened four or five days ago that caught up with you.  Maybe it was cloudier than normal and you didn't get the sunlight you needed for the previous week.  Or maybe you're coming down with a cold, or, or, or.  Keep watching what goes on in your life and over time you'll see more and more patterns and be able to deal with it better.  Good luck!

[LowER]

Cry, cry, cry.  Research has shown that tears have some not-so-great chemicals in them, and crying helps purge your body of them.  I can't quote the research, but Dr. Google probably can.  Showing vulnerability is one of the most proven ways to establish/maintain/grow relationships.  If someone scoffs at tears, that's their issue.  So….cry, cry, cry.  Do your job well, and cry some more.  Unless you have some serious psych disorder, which I doubt based on what you've shared, don't sweat it.  Ultimately, it shows that you care, a lot.  And if that's bad, change bosses/jobs/line of work.  I work in a quite high-pressure high-stakes field, supervise a large and divergent staff, and have never looked down upon someone because they cried.  I can't think of a single instance to the contrary.  In fact, those personnel have turned out to be the most caring, conscientious people I've worked with, and that's exactly what I and my patients need from them. 

[rocksinmyhead]

The only thing I want to add is that it can take a very long time to figure out and manage all of the causes of why a particular day is good or bad.  I've battled this stuff for about 25 years, and I still don't understand all of my own patterns.  What helps me a little bit at least is to see the patterns and accept them even if I can't fix them or avoid them.  For example, about every month or two I will have a super-good day followed by a crummy day, followed by normal days for a long time.  Now that I know this pattern, on the super-good day I can remind myself that even though tomorrow may be crummy, the next day will be better.

So even though you had a good previous 24 hours, and had a good weekend planned, maybe it was something that happened four or five days ago that caught up with you.  Maybe it was cloudier than normal and you didn't get the sunlight you needed for the previous week.  Or maybe you're coming down with a cold, or, or, or.  Keep watching what goes on in your life and over time you'll see more and more patterns and be able to deal with it better.  Good luck!

god, just understanding why you feel crappy and that it's just part of some pattern is SO helpful for me. I don't have SAD or anything like that, but usually the day before my period (just one day!) I will feel SO worthless, depressed, worried about everything, like I suck and am failing at everything and my life is falling apart, cry at the drop of a hat... and then once I realize, "oh, I am probably just getting my period tomorrow" it helps SO MUCH. not that it makes me feel totally happy or at peace, but at least I can say tomorrow will be better and today I am just going to be nice to myself :)

[HappierAtHome]

The only thing I want to add is that it can take a very long time to figure out and manage all of the causes of why a particular day is good or bad.  I've battled this stuff for about 25 years, and I still don't understand all of my own patterns.  What helps me a little bit at least is to see the patterns and accept them even if I can't fix them or avoid them.  For example, about every month or two I will have a super-good day followed by a crummy day, followed by normal days for a long time.  Now that I know this pattern, on the super-good day I can remind myself that even though tomorrow may be crummy, the next day will be better.

So even though you had a good previous 24 hours, and had a good weekend planned, maybe it was something that happened four or five days ago that caught up with you.  Maybe it was cloudier than normal and you didn't get the sunlight you needed for the previous week.  Or maybe you're coming down with a cold, or, or, or.  Keep watching what goes on in your life and over time you'll see more and more patterns and be able to deal with it better.  Good luck!

god, just understanding why you feel crappy and that it's just part of some pattern is SO helpful for me. I don't have SAD or anything like that, but usually the day before my period (just one day!) I will feel SO worthless, depressed, worried about everything, like I suck and am failing at everything and my life is falling apart, cry at the drop of a hat... and then once I realize, "oh, I am probably just getting my period tomorrow" it helps SO MUCH. not that it makes me feel totally happy or at peace, but at least I can say tomorrow will be better and today I am just going to be nice to myself :)

+1

I always thought I was just an emotional person, even though at some level I knew that I was only emotional because I was always so damn tired.

Now I know that there's a medical issue causing my fatigue, it's easier to cut myself some slack and remind myself that I'm not just a sissy/pathetic/weak. I'm going through something. It's different.