How to handle ANGER at work

[EconDiva]

 I just had a work-related meeting and got called out by someone and am literally seething.

 I have been trying to be nice to a colleague who just is not nice to me. By not nice, I mean:

 -Being the only person at work not to acknowledge when 2 of my family members passed away back to back
 -If I send am email stating "How was your trip last weekend? Hope you had fun. Also, I had a quick work-related question for you below. Can you please advise at your earliest convenience?"...she will only respond to the work related question and ignore everything else.
 -If I were to see a minor issue caused by this person I would address it with them as my peer rather than include our boss, whereas she would initially bring it up in front of my boss and whole team as a way of "calling me out".

 Rarely do I get so angry at someone that I am 'seething' but I am so mad right now my eyes are watering, my heart is racing, and I feel like punching a wall.

[druth]

The top two I don't see as an issue.  She may not like combining work and social life, she also may assume that others feel the same and doesn't want to make you uncomfortable by talking about personal issues.  I don't think you should take this personally.

I say this because while I'm pretty good at playing along I hate talking about myself at work.  I don't like prying into other people's lives either.  I don't go into work to tell people about my vacations.

[EconDiva]

The top two I don't see as an issue.  She may not like combining work and social life, she also may assume that others feel the same and doesn't want to make you uncomfortable by talking about personal issues.  I don't think you should take this personally.

I say this because while I'm pretty good at playing along I hate talking about myself at work.  I don't like prying into other people's lives either.  I don't go into work to tell people about my vacations.

I consider myself to be an objective person so I can do this: I can take the approach of not speaking about anything outside of work with her. I am offended by this because she has these types of conversations with my boss, my boss's boss, and a few other people. I know because these conversations happen right next to my office so it's not like she doesn't want to discuss anything social/personal.

Today was an example of me bringing up a very minor issue, posing a solution, then her hinting that I was part of the actual issue which I wasn't. I doubt anyone else took this or saw it in the way that I did. But because of the situations I wrote in the earlier post and above in this post, I can't help but feel this person just does not like me. Which is fine but I can't pretend some situations don't anger me because I treat her with the same respect I do others and I 'feel' as though I am not getting it back in return.

[pdxbator]

I so understand this. It is tough. I made a very minor comment to a co-worker months ago. He took it wrong and now won't talk or look at me or even acknowledge me. At first I was upset that he was like that, but now I've adjusted to it. He is like this with other people and won't let things drop for years. I've written him off. All the better. I don't need this toxic relationship. If he needs something from me I'll let him approach, otherwise I just let it drop entirely.

[MsSindy]

I think you're right, this person just may not like you (for whatever reason).  The trick is to find a way to not give a shit.  Don't waste your time on 'pleasantries' with this person....you do not need to 'win them over'.  Engage as little as possible and go about your business.  As to the original request of how to deal with anger at work, go for a walk or check your spreadsheets :)    Honestly, when my work is getting me depressed, I go and research something that makes me happy, like my next vacation.

However, when you're 'in the moment' and someone is calling you out in a meeting in front of others, you should think about how you want to respond.  Because, you will be judged by how you respond, not what this person said and whether it was warranted.  If you react by getting heated, then people will view you as 'emotional' or some other non-flattering adjective in the workplace.  If you're close to FI, then you may not give a shit, but if you still have some years ahead, you should plan a response.  My favorite thing to do is sit there with a shit-eating-grin on my face!  Also, if this person is able to get a rise out of you, they will continue, once they see that they don't really matter to you, they will go annoy someone else.

[EconDiva]

I so understand this. It is tough. I made a very minor comment to a co-worker months ago. He took it wrong and now won't talk or look at me or even acknowledge me. At first I was upset that he was like that, but now I've adjusted to it. He is like this with other people and won't let things drop for years. I've written him off. All the better. I don't need this toxic relationship. If he needs something from me I'll let him approach, otherwise I just let it drop entirely.

It's nice to know others can relate although I am sorry you went through that.

I guess these experiences teach us how to deal with others.

[EconDiva]

I think you're right, this person just may not like you (for whatever reason).  The trick is to find a way to not give a shit.  Don't waste your time on 'pleasantries' with this person....you do not need to 'win them over'.  Engage as little as possible and go about your business.  As to the original request of how to deal with anger at work, go for a walk or check your spreadsheets :)    Honestly, when my work is getting me depressed, I go and research something that makes me happy, like my next vacation.

However, when you're 'in the moment' and someone is calling you out in a meeting in front of others, you should think about how you want to respond.  Because, you will be judged by how you respond, not what this person said and whether it was warranted.  If you react by getting heated, then people will view you as 'emotional' or some other non-flattering adjective in the workplace.  If you're close to FI, then you may not give a shit, but if you still have some years ahead, you should plan a response.  My favorite thing to do is sit there with a shit-eating-grin on my face!  Also, if this person is able to get a rise out of you, they will continue, once they see that they don't really matter to you, they will go annoy someone else.

I can be kind of cold so not caring REALLY comes off as not caring once I turn that 'don't give a s**t' switch on.  So I try not to ever be that way. 

I've got 2 vacations planned actually....my boss got annoyed with me today that I am off next month for 3 days and it also happened during today's meeting so I'm kinda having a really irritating day so far. 

I've been doing pretty good at not reacting to things at my current job.  It takes a lot of restraint.  My boss has commented that I'm the "nice" one on the team and I want to keep it that way. 

[Retire-Canada]

She doesn't like you.

You can get mad or just accept it and move on. Either way you are only affecting yourself.

-- Vik

[RangerOne]

My best advice is keep your distance and contact with this person to a minimum. Accept that there is nothing you can do to make this person like you or treat you better. And short of them doing something against work policy you have little real recourse to get them into trouble with HR or your Boss. Unfortunately being a toxic dick head towards a co-worker typically isn't enough to give you any leverage to get them fired or dealt with. As long as your relationship with those above you is solid there isn't much this person can do to hurt you accept annoy you and piss you off.

Its possible that over time this person may manage to undermine your image within your place of work if they have enough influence with your managers or people above you. If this becomes the case, and you have no way to address the issue through HR or your Boss, your best course will likely be to seek other employment because there is pretty much nothing you can really do to fix this person.

Otherwise if they have no influence over your work position then you have to decide if you just want to brush it off and take it, knowing that this person will always be a dick to you and make each day a little less enjoyable.

Or you can be a dick back causing things to escalate. Unless you enjoy this kind of game I suggest not playing because it will just stress you out more and possibly make you look bad.

If you feel like this person is damaging your reputation or image through continued unwarranted attacks you should probably calmly address the issue with your boss and or HR. This would be to get a feel for if other people are seeing your co-workers behavior the same way. Its possible they don't even notice its happening. At the very least this will help you evaluate if you are being undermined by your co-worker or if you are the only one seeing an issue.

[pbkmaine]

For the most part, I was able to deal with people like this by pretending I was Vulcan. What would Spock do? If that didn't help, I would say the mantra: "Don't get mad, get even."

[GuitarStv]

  -Being the only person at work not to acknowledge when 2 of my family members passed away back to back

If I'm not close to a coworker, I wouldn't assume that it's my place to bring up their grief.  Why do you care if this person provides you with fake feelings of empathy and condolences?

-If I send am email stating "How was your trip last weekend? Hope you had fun. Also, I had a quick work-related question for you below. Can you please advise at your earliest convenience?"...she will only respond to the work related question and ignore everything else.

What you're doing here is mildly offensive to me to be honest.  It's not your place to question someone you hardly know about their personal life in a work email.

-If I were to see a minor issue caused by this person I would address it with them as my peer rather than include our boss, whereas she would initially bring it up in front of my boss and whole team as a way of "calling me out".

I think that this is a little over the top behaviour.  Is it possible however that you've got off on such a bad foot that he/she doesn't feel comfortable talking directly with you?

Rarely do I get so angry at someone that I am 'seething' but I am so mad right now my eyes are watering, my heart is racing, and I feel like punching a wall.

It's never in your best interest to get emotional.  Bottle that anger up, remain outwardly calm, and study the situation.  Bide your time before you strike back, and strike back only if necessary.

[Dee18]

Seems unlikely, but maybe she genuinely doesn't know any better.  I have an index card taped to my desk that says, "never attribute to malice that which could be explained by pure stupidity." 

[arebelspy]

She doesn't like you.

You can get mad or just accept it and move on. Either way you are only affecting yourself.

Yes.  Yes.  Yes.

This!  :)

[Johnez]

Two of my "teammates" at work screwed with me this past week.

One"jokes" with me by pointing out my flaws in front of others and recently called me out in front of others demanding an apology for an incident I had zero control over.  I flipped out a bit at that, but quickly calmed down.  A few coworkers came up and expressed empathy.  Moved on and kicked ass at work.  Got invited for an afterwork thing the next week and arrived to overhear the group laughing about how much a crybaby that coworker's been, asking me to describe a separate incident.  Man, I thought I was the only one who noticed this guy was a tool, thankfully idiots are usually evident to most people.

Another coworker of mine simply stole an idea from me.  I had completely planned out a routine to deal with some issues my supervisor had been dealing with, which affected all of our work.  I was told the problem was temporary and things are getting back to normal soon.  Supe goes on leave, asswipe coworker shares "his" plan with manager.  I felt dejected, as my little plan was really only asking for an official approval of what I had been doing under the radar for weeks.  Coworker took a lot of wind from my sails.  I had been putting much energy into the plan only to have it stolen.  While my efforts were unseen to management, they were satisfying to me and our team.  Now this a-hole gets credit, and part of what made me shine is now his new "responsibility."  Argh.  Went to sleep after sharing all this with my honey.  Still pissed but glad I took her advice:  Let it go. 

Currently I'm held in high esteem by my coworkers, something that can't be said of everyone.  Just glad to be on the top half of the productivity scale.

Bottom line:  What comes around, goes around.

[ender]

I don't see anything in your OP that makes it sound like this person dislikes YOU in particular.

Some people don't mix personal and business.

And some people are considerably more direct than others. For them, ideas/etc are not personal and so "calling you out" is not something which would ever cause anger or frustration, because ideas are just ideas.

[marty998]

I just had a work-related meeting and got called out by someone and am literally seething.

 I have been trying to be nice to a colleague who just is not nice to me. By not nice, I mean:

 -Being the only person at work not to acknowledge when 2 of my family members passed away back to back
 -If I send am email stating "How was your trip last weekend? Hope you had fun. Also, I had a quick work-related question for you below. Can you please advise at your earliest convenience?"...she will only respond to the work related question and ignore everything else.
 -If I were to see a minor issue caused by this person I would address it with them as my peer rather than include our boss, whereas she would initially bring it up in front of my boss and whole team as a way of "calling me out".

 Rarely do I get so angry at someone that I am 'seething' but I am so mad right now my eyes are watering, my heart is racing, and I feel like punching a wall.

I am the person you are talking about with regards to number 2. When I take annual leave I normally come back to several hundred, if not a thousand emails (the price of being the competent "go to" person). In some respects it's not really a good idea to take leave knowing what awaits you when you get back. Frequently that 1st morning back will be spent typing out hundreds and hundreds of one line responses, many times I don't even write anything and just attach files.

It's not deliberately being rude (and I do try and make that known to all and sundry), it's just that if I were to have that "all about my days off" conversation with everyone who asks then I'd never actually get any work done.

Try to find a different time to ask the social questions...perhaps the week after?

[Sibley]

OP, that type of situation happens. Be polite, professional, and don't take it personally.

[Silverado]

Another coworker of mine simply stole an idea from me.  I had completely planned out a routine to deal with some issues my supervisor had been dealing with, which affected all of our work.  I was told the problem was temporary and things are getting back to normal soon.  Supe goes on leave, asswipe coworker shares "his" plan with manager.  I felt dejected, as my little plan was really only asking for an official approval of what I had been doing under the radar for weeks.  Coworker took a lot of wind from my sails.  I had been putting much energy into the plan only to have it stolen.  While my efforts were unseen to management, they were satisfying to me and our team.  Now this a-hole gets credit, and part of what made me shine is now his new "responsibility."  Argh.  Went to sleep after sharing all this with my honey.  Still pissed but glad I took her advice:  Let it go. 

Currently I'm held in high esteem by my coworkers, something that can't be said of everyone.  Just glad to be on the top half of the productivity scale.

Bottom line:  What comes around, goes around.

I don't know what industry you are in or your organization, but this tells me you are not part of a high functioning team. Everyone, including the supe should have already known what you were scheming to do. I wouldn't want to be on a team where people were holding cards close to the chest in an effort to look good in management's eyes.

Again, no idea of the circumstances, but if I map your post to my product engineering group, you would get some negative points of discussion if you were my report. An open environment of idea sharing prevents both sides of this. Oh, competent leadership is needed also since the suck-ups need to be flushed out as well.