Author Topic: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?  (Read 11975 times)

Jupiter

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For those who don't know these definitions (these are in my words from my experience of actually being these things, not a dictionary definition):
Asexual - A person who has no sexual thoughts or desires (no sex drive) for anyone (males, females ect...) but nonsexual love (for the purpose of a relationship) can be felt.
Aromantic - A person who has no desire to be in a relationship with another person as it means nothing and does nothing for them.

As an asexual myself, I see the world very differently to others. I feel like I'm missing a sense. For example a blind person doesn't flinch if a deadly spider is put in front of their face and a deaf person won't be affected by a loud explosion of sound next to their ear. I'm the same when it comes to love. For health purposes I go for a walk down a few beaches in the weekend and I always walk alone. I often observe others while I do this...

The only people I ever see walking alone are joggers and older people walking dogs (although people walking dogs mostly have company). It didn't occur to me at first but I now realise that relationships appear to be very important to people. There's always a pair or group of people walking together and often people will sit down on a ledge together kissing or just staring and each other while smiling.

Anyway, just put yourself in my shoes for a second. Think about your life, the decisions you make and have made. Think of things you have done or ways you have acted due to sexual attraction. How would your life be different if you had no desire to be with anyone or do anything sexual with anyone. Would you still be content with your life.

Lets say you are married and make just enough money to pay the bills and make it through another day but with very little to save making retirement by 65 very difficult if even possible at all. Its all worth it though because you come home to a happy partner that is thrilled to be with you and you have "good times" every night. Modify that thought now, you now have absolutely no sexual desires towards your partner or anybody, infact the thought of sex makes you feel sick like you are performing an open heart surgery on someone yet your partner expects you to do this every night. Your partner now means nothing to you, they are just a person living in your home like a flatmate that expects you to spend your precious time doing things with them that they enjoy but you don't. They expect gifts from you and massages and doing these things are a chore for you. You don't get any pleasure from their happiness when you complete their tasks and you dislike their company that sucks up your time and money that you worked hard for. Lets say feelings of friendship towards others existed but very shallowly. For example you may want to be friends with a person who shares a common interest with you such as food and virtual reality (very uncreative I know...)

Now how would your life be different if you were born like this? Would you have the same job? Would you think of your job and life purpose differently. How would you spent your time? Would your desire to Fire be greater? Would you have a desire to have a fancy car or house? What about where you would live? Would your religion, if any, change?

deborah

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #1 on: December 19, 2015, 10:41:48 PM »
Obviously we would be living a different life.

However, you have said that there could still be friendship. My partner is also my very best friend and always has been. We are thrilled to be with one another because of our companionship. I could not imagine life without him (although that will probably one day happen -  women last about 4 years longer than men, and calculators say that I will probably be without him in my life for about 20 years). We have had a number of years when we lived hours apart, including one three year period when we didn't see one another at all, yet we spent hours on the phone over those periods, so I am sure that the companionship is a very strong thing.

There are a lot of things that change your life completely. For instance, one night I stopped at a green light to let an ambulance go through on the cross road. An express bus didn't see me or the ambulance, and biffed my small car across the intersection. I know my life is completely different as a result.

mxt0133

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #2 on: December 19, 2015, 10:47:46 PM »
Modify that thought now, you now have absolutely no sexual desires towards your partner or anybody, infact the thought of sex makes you feel sick like you are performing an open heart surgery on someone yet your partner expects you to do this every night. Your partner now means nothing to you, they are just a person living in your home like a flatmate that expects you to spend your precious time doing things with them that they enjoy but you don't.

Sounds like my life now, it's called being married with kids!  Ba Da Ba Booshhhh.

Seriously though I feel like this sometimes as I think any relationship, romantic or not, requires both parties to compromise if they want to keep said relationship.  No two people want the exact same things at the same exact time, so people will give and take to make the other person happy.

To address your question about how my life would be different is an interesting thought experiment.  Since I didn't discover girls until high school.  I would say that my life would be significantly different in some ways but the same in others.  I wouldn't have gotten into sports as I only got into sports because of girls.  I would be more into video games and comic books.  That's what I did with all my time before discovering girls.

With regard to college, since I went to a technical school where the male to female ratio was 20:1, and when you factor in the girls that I actually wanted to date it would have been more like 100:1.  I didn't pick my career to attract girls per se.  I picked it because I needed as close to guaranteed job when I graduated that I could tolerate doing for the rest of my life.  I didn't have any burning passion or calling then and now for that matter, career wise.

After college, if it would have been significantly different.  I would traveled a lot more I think, because I wouldn't have an excuse to stay local because I was dating someone.  I would like to think I would have traveled internationally for work.  I would have probably have the same net worth, I wouldn't be married with kids on a single income household but I wouldn't also have been very motivated to increase my earning potential because I think by myself I would have kept my living expenses low.

I wouldn't know what it feels like to be a parent and to truly put another human beings needs before yours.  I think I would be less patient and empathetic with others because I would not be inclined to make the relationship work if it went through some rough patches.  I don't think I would adopt just to be a parent as I think it would not be a good experience for myself let alone the child.

I am an atheist and no I don't think my view on religion would change, it's not something I associate with sexuality in any way.

To the OP, I would be interested in how you think being asexual has made you different vs if you were not?

maizeman

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #3 on: December 19, 2015, 10:52:45 PM »
Quote
Now how would your life be different if you were born like this? Would you have the same job?
Yes, I cannot think of a decision point in the path that lead to my current career that was driven by desire for either sexual or romantic companionship. There are a couple of very hard decisions in my past that would have been a lot easier under the scenario you describe.

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Would you think of your job and life purpose differently.
Life purpose is a pretty broad category. At various points I've thought it would be nice to have children, but likely not in the cards that this point. I'm curious if your situation includes a lack of desire to procreate or in an ideal world would you want to produce children, just not with a romantic partner?

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How would you spent your time?
It would have radically reshaped how I spent my time in college and grad school, much less so today.

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Would your desire to Fire be greater?
Actually in some senses I think it might be less. One of the (minor) appeals of FIRE is that my current career doesn't really provide a lot of suitable downtime for pursuing a sexual/romantic partner.

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Would you have a desire to have a fancy car or house? What about where you would live?
Again, I'm pretty sure my choice of cars isn't really driven by the desire to attract a romantic partner (if it was I'd be driving a very different car from the one I currently own). Where I live would definitely be different though! Right now I live alone in a house that I purchased while engaged in a complicated suitation where I -- in retrospect -- was trying to demonstrate my suitability/superiority as a potential provider.

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Would your religion, if any, change?
Again, I don't think my lack of church/temple/mosque attendance is a result of my desire for sexual or romantic partners. I've occasionally received advice that attending one or more of those would be a good way to meet potential romantic partners, but n faked religious beliefs seems like a rather questionable basis for a long term relationship.

Villanelle

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #4 on: December 19, 2015, 11:23:20 PM »
For those who don't know these definitions (these are in my words from my experience of actually being these things, not a dictionary definition):
Asexual - A person who has no sexual thoughts or desires (no sex drive) for anyone (males, females ect...) but nonsexual love (for the purpose of a relationship) can be felt.
Aromantic - A person who has no desire to be in a relationship with another person as it means nothing and does nothing for them.

As an asexual myself, I see the world very differently to others. I feel like I'm missing a sense. For example a blind person doesn't flinch if a deadly spider is put in front of their face and a deaf person won't be affected by a loud explosion of sound next to their ear. I'm the same when it comes to love. For health purposes I go for a walk down a few beaches in the weekend and I always walk alone. I often observe others while I do this...

The only people I ever see walking alone are joggers and older people walking dogs (although people walking dogs mostly have company). It didn't occur to me at first but I now realise that relationships appear to be very important to people. There's always a pair or group of people walking together and often people will sit down on a ledge together kissing or just staring and each other while smiling.

Anyway, just put yourself in my shoes for a second. Think about your life, the decisions you make and have made. Think of things you have done or ways you have acted due to sexual attraction. How would your life be different if you had no desire to be with anyone or do anything sexual with anyone. Would you still be content with your life.

Lets say you are married and make just enough money to pay the bills and make it through another day but with very little to save making retirement by 65 very difficult if even possible at all. Its all worth it though because you come home to a happy partner that is thrilled to be with you and you have "good times" every night. Modify that thought now, you now have absolutely no sexual desires towards your partner or anybody, infact the thought of sex makes you feel sick like you are performing an open heart surgery on someone yet your partner expects you to do this every night. Your partner now means nothing to you, they are just a person living in your home like a flatmate that expects you to spend your precious time doing things with them that they enjoy but you don't. They expect gifts from you and massages and doing these things are a chore for you. You don't get any pleasure from their happiness when you complete their tasks and you dislike their company that sucks up your time and money that you worked hard for. Lets say feelings of friendship towards others existed but very shallowly. For example you may want to be friends with a person who shares a common interest with you such as food and virtual reality (very uncreative I know...)

Now how would your life be different if you were born like this? Would you have the same job? Would you think of your job and life purpose differently. How would you spent your time? Would your desire to Fire be greater? Would you have a desire to have a fancy car or house? What about where you would live? Would your religion, if any, change?

This sounds like far more than just asexual and aromantic.  To some extend, I do these things with my platonic friends (minus massages).  Sometimes a friend will want to go to the mall, something in which I'm not really interested, but I go because I know she enjoys it and wants to spend time doing it, and I know that even if I don't love the activity, I'll get some enjoyment from it because I enjoy her company, and because I know I'm contributing to her happiness.

That has nothing to do with sexual feelings, or being in a relationship (unless you are using that term broadly to mean friendly relationships as well).

I can't really say how it would affect my life if I had never felt these things, but if I went from what I feel now to suddenly not feeling anything, I'd likely be devastatingly depressed, if we are talking about lacking feelings of connectedness even platonically on anything more than a shallow level.  And if I couldn't get joy from contributing to the joy of others even if it wasn't doing something that was my favorite use of time, I'd probably have trouble respecting myself, and I'd be uncomfortable with that level of self- involvement.  My connection with my fellow human beings, and my ability to give them joy, ease their sorrow, share their pain (and for them to do those things with me) is kind of a cornerstone of my existence.  If it went away tomorrow, I don't know how long I could go on.  I do love solitary time, more than the average person it seems, but I need my fellow man. 


Jupiter

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #5 on: December 19, 2015, 11:31:47 PM »
To the OP, I would be interested in how you think being asexual has made you different vs if you were not?

I see a lot of people checking themselves out in the mirror and constantly wanting better clothes that make them look "sexy" and buying all these suits, products, creams ect to look better. That's something that's meaningless to me as I'm not trying to impress a partner.

My job especially being male is looked down upon, I feel I'd have to get a different "WOOOWWW HIGH PAYING JOB" to impress someone. I'd be stuck as a "provider" (gosh I hate that word, sounds more like being a servant to a spoiled brat) but maybe having sexual thoughts and having this strange "sexual desire" fed would make me overlook this, thinking... This is actually worth it! I have no idea what it's like to have sexual desires and cravings but I try to imagine it similar to hunger. If I eat it will satisfy my craving and sometimes it could be quite nice (but generally I dislike food so maybe not the best example).

Knowing me and family history I'd probably have a baby by now or a pregnant wife (currently I'm 21). These expenses would set me back HEAPS! My current self made networth is 171K, with a girl to impress and a child to provide for I'd say I would only have around 50K by now (assuming I didn't go the UNI route).

The rest isn't really clear due to the type of person I am. I see myself as honest on this forum (showing my "bad side") if you can call it that... but in real life, I'm about as fake as you can get. If you met me in real life you would describe me as overly kind, caring, friendly and comforting in a somewhat over the top and suspicious way. In front of people my opinions are whatever others think. E.g. Girl X comes up with a smile and says "Do you like this dress?". I state "It looks fantastic on you!". Girl Y whispers "gosh, that looks so ugly" once Girl X leaves. I say "Yea, I totally agree with you, I just didn't want to hurt her feelings". Yet in truth I have absolutely no opinion of the dress whatsoever. I'm just there to agree with everyone. If I had a wife who said "Don't you think it would be great to have several children!" I'd say "That's just what I was thinking, we could be such a big happy family, I'm so glad I married you!" even though I would hate to think about how hectic life would be trying to manage so many children while giving them equal attention and the care they each deserve.

So what would my life look like? It would be entirely painted by the first girl who has a crush on me and desires to take it to the next level. I'd be a blank canvas underneath with their masterpiece of the perfect guy and life painted on top.
« Last Edit: December 19, 2015, 11:39:00 PM by Jupiter »

okits

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #6 on: December 19, 2015, 11:55:00 PM »
I know someone who abstains from sexual and romantic activities.  This effectively allows you to avoid both the deep misery and overwhelming joy such relationships can bring.  You can focus on the things that bring you enjoyment and make decisions very rationally or with mostly your interests in mind.

If you have no desire for romance or sex I don't see how their absence would cause you discontent.  So this theoretical, asexual and aromantic me would be content based on fulfilling my other wants. Obviously, I would not be a wife or mother, and would have had lots more free time because I didn't spend it on romantic pursuits.  I might still desire status symbols and prestige, simply for pride or the sense I accomplished something.  Not religious now, don't think that would be different.  I would live near things that interested me, as I do now. Career might be different as I would not have a partner or children to put first (or even the expectation of them).  I would have a lot more leisure time and sleep better with no one to interrupt it.  :)

Jupiter, if you feel like you're "missing a sense" because you're different but otherwise like yourself and your life, run with it, man.  Be yourself.  I think diversity and differences can be awesome (and interesting!)

arebelspy

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #7 on: December 20, 2015, 01:48:25 AM »
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Now how would your life be different if you were born like this?
Almost nothing would have changed.  My wife is my partner and best friend, and would be regardless of the sexual attraction.

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Would you have the same job?

Of course. I didn't take my job due to sexual attraction.

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Would you think of your job and life purpose differently.

No. My life purpose doesn't revolve around sexuality/lust/whatever.

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How would you spent your time?
I never did much chasing of the opposite sex, so not much change here.

Quote
Would your desire to Fire be greater?

No.  Might be less, as one big aspect of wanting to FIRE quick is more time with my partner (though if we're assuming same partner, that would be the same with/without the sexuality, just due to enjoying being with her), but especially wanting time raising kids.  Even if no sexual attraction, wanting to raise kids for it's own sake seems plausible, so IDK how you feel about that, but without that, drive for FIRE might be less.  With it, again, no change.

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Would you have a desire to have a fancy car or house? What about where you would live?

No. No change.

Quote
Would your religion, if any, change?

No.

I don't see why pretty much anything would change.

I don't live my life following sexual whims and constantly making decisions (cars? religion? job? housing?) based on sexual desires.

If I were in that situation, I would work on forming a friendship with my partner--not one based on sexual desire, but on friendship and love. 

This paragraph made me sad:
Lets say you are married and make just enough money to pay the bills and make it through another day but with very little to save making retirement by 65 very difficult if even possible at all. Its all worth it though because you come home to a happy partner that is thrilled to be with you and you have "good times" every night. Modify that thought now, you now have absolutely no sexual desires towards your partner or anybody, infact the thought of sex makes you feel sick like you are performing an open heart surgery on someone yet your partner expects you to do this every night. Your partner now means nothing to you, they are just a person living in your home like a flatmate that expects you to spend your precious time doing things with them that they enjoy but you don't. They expect gifts from you and massages and doing these things are a chore for you. You don't get any pleasure from their happiness when you complete their tasks and you dislike their company that sucks up your time and money that you worked hard for. Lets say feelings of friendship towards others existed but very shallowly. For example you may want to be friends with a person who shares a common interest with you such as food and virtual reality (very uncreative I know...)

Sex--for someone interested in it--is great, but it's only one aspect of a great marriage.

I'd rather have a perfect marriage in every other respect, but no sex, than no real relationship at all, but lots of sex with strangers. 

In other words, the relationship is the more important part, not the sex.

I'd focus on finding that awesome relationship.
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Doubleh

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #8 on: December 20, 2015, 04:48:15 AM »
I think that my life would have been different, not because of sex but because there are plenty of awesome career/lifestyle paths that I would in many ways have loved but didn't pursue because they would have made a settled family life difficult and to me that wasn't something I wanted to give up. Without that desire for a family bond I could probably have been pretty happy with a very ascetic or itinerant lifestyle such as a Buddhist monk or professional yacht skipper, or be serving in the diplomatic service, armed forces or with an overseas aid charity. Not saying people in these fields can't have families (except the monks) but they certainly make things a lot harder!

OP I want to be clear that I would never suggest someone try to change their sexuality. Your post sounds sad and wistful, like you feel like you're missing out on the things other people have and feel like your life is missing something. Maybe this is just in the reading and you are happy with how you feel, or do you wish you felt differently? Have you had counselling to help you understand the way you feel? I also think that what you describe covers more than sexual orientation. The way you talk about missing a sense, and getting no joy from other people's happiness reminds me of how friends have described clinical depression to me - I've also heard it feel like your life is in black and white. Is this something you've looked into? If not it may be worth checking just to eliminate the possibility.

I hope I haven't spoken out of turn and wish you the best however you live your life

pbkmaine

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #9 on: December 20, 2015, 06:24:27 AM »
I would not be with DH, because he is romantic and loves sex and needs the same in a partner. That would make me sad.


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wepner

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #10 on: December 20, 2015, 12:44:29 PM »
For those who don't know these definitions (these are in my words from my experience of actually being these things, not a dictionary definition):
Asexual - A person who has no sexual thoughts or desires (no sex drive) for anyone (males, females ect...) but nonsexual love (for the purpose of a relationship) can be felt.
Aromantic - A person who has no desire to be in a relationship with another person as it means nothing and does nothing for them.

As an asexual myself, I see the world very differently to others. I feel like I'm missing a sense. For example a blind person doesn't flinch if a deadly spider is put in front of their face and a deaf person won't be affected by a loud explosion of sound next to their ear. I'm the same when it comes to love. For health purposes I go for a walk down a few beaches in the weekend and I always walk alone. I often observe others while I do this...

The only people I ever see walking alone are joggers and older people walking dogs (although people walking dogs mostly have company). It didn't occur to me at first but I now realise that relationships appear to be very important to people. There's always a pair or group of people walking together and often people will sit down on a ledge together kissing or just staring and each other while smiling.

Anyway, just put yourself in my shoes for a second. Think about your life, the decisions you make and have made. Think of things you have done or ways you have acted due to sexual attraction. How would your life be different if you had no desire to be with anyone or do anything sexual with anyone. Would you still be content with your life.

Lets say you are married and make just enough money to pay the bills and make it through another day but with very little to save making retirement by 65 very difficult if even possible at all. Its all worth it though because you come home to a happy partner that is thrilled to be with you and you have "good times" every night. Modify that thought now, you now have absolutely no sexual desires towards your partner or anybody, infact the thought of sex makes you feel sick like you are performing an open heart surgery on someone yet your partner expects you to do this every night. Your partner now means nothing to you, they are just a person living in your home like a flatmate that expects you to spend your precious time doing things with them that they enjoy but you don't. They expect gifts from you and massages and doing these things are a chore for you. You don't get any pleasure from their happiness when you complete their tasks and you dislike their company that sucks up your time and money that you worked hard for. Lets say feelings of friendship towards others existed but very shallowly. For example you may want to be friends with a person who shares a common interest with you such as food and virtual reality (very uncreative I know...)

Now how would your life be different if you were born like this? Would you have the same job? Would you think of your job and life purpose differently. How would you spent your time? Would your desire to Fire be greater? Would you have a desire to have a fancy car or house? What about where you would live? Would your religion, if any, change?

This sounds like far more than just asexual and aromantic.  To some extend, I do these things with my platonic friends (minus massages).  Sometimes a friend will want to go to the mall, something in which I'm not really interested, but I go because I know she enjoys it and wants to spend time doing it, and I know that even if I don't love the activity, I'll get some enjoyment from it because I enjoy her company, and because I know I'm contributing to her happiness.

That has nothing to do with sexual feelings, or being in a relationship (unless you are using that term broadly to mean friendly relationships as well).

Yeah, this pretty much. I get a sense that you don't like spending time with anyone and you said your friendships are pretty shallow... do you think that friendships are somehow driven by sexual desire or romance are you admitting that more is "different" about you than being asexual/aromantic? You seem pretty depressed or at leat have a super low opinion of average people. Do you think its related to being asexual/aromantic.

It seems like your opinion of women is pretty low as well, do you really think that relationships with women is just buying them gifts and taking care of them?

Also, I'm not going to pretend like I have extensive experience talking with people who are asexual/aromantic, but the few people that I have heard talk about it make it sounds like they are absolutely repulsed by sex not just lacking a desire. I have no desire to do the dishes or take out the garbage but I don't care either way so I do those things sometimes. If my wife asked me to crush puppies with my bare hands 3 times a week I don't think that relationship would work. It's not just that I have no desire to crush puppies or that I don't see the point in it, I really really don't want to do it on a really visceral level.  Does this make sense to you? Which way do you feel about sex/romance?

I guess some things would be pretty different, I can't really imagine how though. I know I've made some pretty major decisions in my life at least partly because of a sexual/romantic interest in a woman but I don't know if I would have made a different decision or not if I wasn't interested in them. I know my job, house, clothes or whatever wouldn't change, I'm not interested in a person that wants to be with me just because of my money or appearance whether its a friend or romantic partner.

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #11 on: December 20, 2015, 01:35:58 PM »
I have a sister-in-law that was born blind--she has never had the slightest glimmer of vision, even the ability to tell between light and darkness.  In one of her few moments of wisdom, she said to me once that you can't miss what you never knew.  So if you claim to have never felt sexual attraction or romance towards someone, why do you feel like you're missing out?  I suspect it's because people are telling you that you are.  You complain that if you got into a relationship it would be all about doing things for them and meeting their needs.  A good, true relationship has both parties doing things for each other and meeting each other's needs.  It's not led by hormones. 

There are a lot of asexual communities on the web, and a lot of asexual people do get into relationships.  Forge your own path and don't worry about what others think or say.

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big_owl

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #13 on: December 22, 2015, 06:39:26 AM »
For those who don't know these definitions (these are in my words from my experience of actually being these things, not a dictionary definition):
Asexual - A person who has no sexual thoughts or desires (no sex drive) for anyone (males, females ect...) but nonsexual love (for the purpose of a relationship) can be felt.
Aromantic - A person who has no desire to be in a relationship with another person as it means nothing and does nothing for them.

As an asexual myself, I see the world very differently to others. I feel like I'm missing a sense. For example a blind person doesn't flinch if a deadly spider is put in front of their face and a deaf person won't be affected by a loud explosion of sound next to their ear. I'm the same when it comes to love. For health purposes I go for a walk down a few beaches in the weekend and I always walk alone. I often observe others while I do this...

The only people I ever see walking alone are joggers and older people walking dogs (although people walking dogs mostly have company). It didn't occur to me at first but I now realise that relationships appear to be very important to people. There's always a pair or group of people walking together and often people will sit down on a ledge together kissing or just staring and each other while smiling.

Anyway, just put yourself in my shoes for a second. Think about your life, the decisions you make and have made. Think of things you have done or ways you have acted due to sexual attraction. How would your life be different if you had no desire to be with anyone or do anything sexual with anyone. Would you still be content with your life.

Lets say you are married and make just enough money to pay the bills and make it through another day but with very little to save making retirement by 65 very difficult if even possible at all. Its all worth it though because you come home to a happy partner that is thrilled to be with you and you have "good times" every night. Modify that thought now, you now have absolutely no sexual desires towards your partner or anybody, infact the thought of sex makes you feel sick like you are performing an open heart surgery on someone yet your partner expects you to do this every night. Your partner now means nothing to you, they are just a person living in your home like a flatmate that expects you to spend your precious time doing things with them that they enjoy but you don't. They expect gifts from you and massages and doing these things are a chore for you. You don't get any pleasure from their happiness when you complete their tasks and you dislike their company that sucks up your time and money that you worked hard for. Lets say feelings of friendship towards others existed but very shallowly. For example you may want to be friends with a person who shares a common interest with you such as food and virtual reality (very uncreative I know...)

Now how would your life be different if you were born like this? Would you have the same job? Would you think of your job and life purpose differently. How would you spent your time? Would your desire to Fire be greater? Would you have a desire to have a fancy car or house? What about where you would live? Would your religion, if any, change?

Is being asexual a thing?  Like its physically impossible for you to be sexually attracted to someone?  I had never heard of this! 

The closest experience I can think of is this:

About 13 years ago I used to use steroids from time to time for bodybuilding.  In order to prevent gyno you use aromatase inhibitors to block estrogen reception.  Towards the end of a cycle, and immediately following, sex drive is completely in the toilet.  No desire whatsoever for several weeks.  I hated it because no matter what my girlfriend did I just wasn't interested.  I'm sure she was frustrated too.  Luckily it would come back in a couple weeks.  So I guess if you found a partner that was also asexual then it could be cool, but I can see it being pretty tough if only one partner is that way.  Pretty much every major decision in my life was initially guided by sexuality at some point, though it may have morphed into some other motivation over time.  For example bodybuilding...initially started it to look good for females...turned out lots of women find muscular men a turnoff lol, so now I do it for my own gratification.  Successful career...unconsciously guided by the strive to succeed and impress, the opposite sex no doubt.  The examples could go on forever. 

Do you never even get to experience an orgasm?  That part would be the worst.

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #14 on: December 22, 2015, 06:50:28 AM »
Took some time to think about this. Too alien to get my head around.

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #15 on: December 22, 2015, 06:52:41 AM »
For those who don't know these definitions (these are in my words from my experience of actually being these things, not a dictionary definition):
Asexual - A person who has no sexual thoughts or desires (no sex drive) for anyone (males, females ect...) but nonsexual love (for the purpose of a relationship) can be felt.
Aromantic - A person who has no desire to be in a relationship with another person as it means nothing and does nothing for them.

As an asexual myself, I see the world very differently to others. I feel like I'm missing a sense. For example a blind person doesn't flinch if a deadly spider is put in front of their face and a deaf person won't be affected by a loud explosion of sound next to their ear. I'm the same when it comes to love. For health purposes I go for a walk down a few beaches in the weekend and I always walk alone. I often observe others while I do this...

The only people I ever see walking alone are joggers and older people walking dogs (although people walking dogs mostly have company). It didn't occur to me at first but I now realise that relationships appear to be very important to people. There's always a pair or group of people walking together and often people will sit down on a ledge together kissing or just staring and each other while smiling.

Anyway, just put yourself in my shoes for a second. Think about your life, the decisions you make and have made. Think of things you have done or ways you have acted due to sexual attraction. How would your life be different if you had no desire to be with anyone or do anything sexual with anyone. Would you still be content with your life.

Lets say you are married and make just enough money to pay the bills and make it through another day but with very little to save making retirement by 65 very difficult if even possible at all. Its all worth it though because you come home to a happy partner that is thrilled to be with you and you have "good times" every night. Modify that thought now, you now have absolutely no sexual desires towards your partner or anybody, infact the thought of sex makes you feel sick like you are performing an open heart surgery on someone yet your partner expects you to do this every night. Your partner now means nothing to you, they are just a person living in your home like a flatmate that expects you to spend your precious time doing things with them that they enjoy but you don't. They expect gifts from you and massages and doing these things are a chore for you. You don't get any pleasure from their happiness when you complete their tasks and you dislike their company that sucks up your time and money that you worked hard for. Lets say feelings of friendship towards others existed but very shallowly. For example you may want to be friends with a person who shares a common interest with you such as food and virtual reality (very uncreative I know...)

Now how would your life be different if you were born like this? Would you have the same job? Would you think of your job and life purpose differently. How would you spent your time? Would your desire to Fire be greater? Would you have a desire to have a fancy car or house? What about where you would live? Would your religion, if any, change?

Is being asexual a thing?  Like its physically impossible for you to be sexually attracted to someone?  I had never heard of this! 

The closest experience I can think of is this:

About 13 years ago I used to use steroids from time to time for bodybuilding.  In order to prevent gyno you use aromatase inhibitors to block estrogen reception.  Towards the end of a cycle, and immediately following, sex drive is completely in the toilet.  No desire whatsoever for several weeks.  I hated it because no matter what my girlfriend did I just wasn't interested.  I'm sure she was frustrated too.  Luckily it would come back in a couple weeks.  So I guess if you found a partner that was also asexual then it could be cool, but I can see it being pretty tough if only one partner is that way.  Pretty much every major decision in my life was initially guided by sexuality at some point, though it may have morphed into some other motivation over time.  For example bodybuilding...initially started it to look good for females...turned out lots of women find muscular men a turnoff lol, so now I do it for my own gratification.  Successful career...unconsciously guided by the strive to succeed and impress, the opposite sex no doubt.  The examples could go on forever. 

Do you never even get to experience an orgasm?  That part would be the worst.

Yes asexuality is a form of sexuality where there is no desire for sex (huge number of caveats needed for all the specific details that I won't get into here on research and how people are on spectrums rather than specifically a "thing").

An asexual can experience an orgasm. Some masturbate; some don't.

Personally I don't think my sexuality has influenced my decisions in my life to a degree that would be noticeable. Would it influence whether I asked a girl/guy out... well yeah. But I imagine I'd still be friends with my friends and have gotten the jobs and pursued the education I have regardless of who I'm attracted to.

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #16 on: December 22, 2015, 08:52:16 AM »
Took some time to think about this. Too alien to get my head around.

Likewise. As a highly emotional/sexual person, I can't imagine making mostly objective decisions.

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #17 on: December 22, 2015, 10:32:21 AM »
I didn't really start dating until my late 20's. Other than not having the romantic relationships that I have (and have had), I don't think my current life situation would be much different (though I am aiming for FIRE because of my significant other, so that's a thing).

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #18 on: December 22, 2015, 10:55:40 AM »
You might want to get a medical exam to check out any health issues if you haven't already.  If no health issues then there are other people out there who fall within the definition of asexual - the web has a number of sites.  They'd probably give you better feedback.

As for your attitudes, those seem both negative and dysfunctional to me.  You put down a lot of things about relationships based on, it appears, false assumptions rather than life experience.  Stating you'd need to get a fancier job to be in a relationship is false.  Plenty of people do not have fancy jobs but have partners. 

If you don't want a relationship that is fine, but your evaluation of them for others is so skewed that it makes me suspect that you may be in need of recovery from whatever got you to the negative views you hold.

You also admit to not being authentic with others or having a good sense of self.  That is a psychological issue you should address.  Being asexual is fine and there are many people out there who will accept you for who you are.  However, stop being fake and start being authentic.  Go get some counselling and figure it out.  Invest some of your money in an intensive program that will help you live authentically.  You'll be happier and you are lucky that you are so young that you can have many years where you don't feel like you do currently.

And, fwiw, the stats show that families of two or more have far higher net worth than singles and do.  I think this is likely because of the motivation to find stable employment to support a family and buy a larger home.  In Canada homes have appreciated a lot and contribute to the gap in net worth between singles and families.


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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #19 on: December 22, 2015, 11:16:19 AM »
And, fwiw, the stats show that families of two or more have far higher net worth than singles and do.  I think this is likely because of the motivation to find stable employment to support a family and buy a larger home.  In Canada homes have appreciated a lot and contribute to the gap in net worth between singles and families.

The whole two-income thing is a substantial factor as well.

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #20 on: December 22, 2015, 11:19:21 AM »
And, fwiw, the stats show that families of two or more have far higher net worth than singles and do.  I think this is likely because of the motivation to find stable employment to support a family and buy a larger home.  In Canada homes have appreciated a lot and contribute to the gap in net worth between singles and families.

The whole two-income thing is a substantial factor as well.

Okay good I was going to point this out. I agree, that's almost certainly the largest factor.

Also, everyone starts out single and the proportion who are married expands as over time, so the average married household will be significantly older than the average single household. More years worth of savings from more total incomes.

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #21 on: December 22, 2015, 11:38:45 AM »
Took some time to think about this. Too alien to get my head around.

Likewise. As a highly emotional/sexual person, I can't imagine making mostly objective decisions.
Hold on, now. I'm all about objectivity in decision making. I just can't imagine what it could be like to be sexless. To me it's as basic a drive as breathing and eating.

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #22 on: December 22, 2015, 12:52:34 PM »
And, fwiw, the stats show that families of two or more have far higher net worth than singles and do.  I think this is likely because of the motivation to find stable employment to support a family and buy a larger home.  In Canada homes have appreciated a lot and contribute to the gap in net worth between singles and families.

The whole two-income thing is a substantial factor as well.

Okay good I was going to point this out. I agree, that's almost certainly the largest factor.

Also, everyone starts out single and the proportion who are married expands as over time, so the average married household will be significantly older than the average single household. More years worth of savings from more total incomes.

Yes, two incomes is also a factor but I should have been clearer.  Take the median established single in any age group and the median couple in that same age group attributing half the net worth to one and 1/2 the net worth of a couple is greater than the single's net worth.  In fact, the difference is about double per person for couples who stay together.

Data also shows that married people see stronger financial advantages than just a doubling of wealth. According to the Census Bureau, in 2010 the median net worth for a married couple between the ages of 55 and 64 was $261,405. That compares to $71,428 for a single man heading a household, and $39,043 for a single woman heading a household.  Of course that is not quite accurate as the data will include divorced individuals and I don't know the impact of divorce on wealth vs. being single throughout life.

There are some financial pluses as an asexual single person is unlikely to have the costs of child(ren) and won't experience the 50% chance of divorce and the accompanying financial impact.

http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/01/the-high-price-of-being-single-in-america/267043/

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #23 on: December 22, 2015, 01:02:50 PM »
And, fwiw, the stats show that families of two or more have far higher net worth than singles and do.  I think this is likely because of the motivation to find stable employment to support a family and buy a larger home.  In Canada homes have appreciated a lot and contribute to the gap in net worth between singles and families.

The whole two-income thing is a substantial factor as well.

Okay good I was going to point this out. I agree, that's almost certainly the largest factor.

Also, everyone starts out single and the proportion who are married expands as over time, so the average married household will be significantly older than the average single household. More years worth of savings from more total incomes.

Yes, two incomes is also a factor but I should have been clearer.  Take the median established single in any age group and the median couple in that same age group attributing half the net worth to one and 1/2 the net worth of a couple is greater than the single's net worth.  In fact, the difference is about double per person for couples who stay together.

Data also shows that married people see stronger financial advantages than just a doubling of wealth. According to the Census Bureau, in 2010 the median net worth for a married couple between the ages of 55 and 64 was $261,405. That compares to $71,428 for a single man heading a household, and $39,043 for a single woman heading a household.  Of course that is not quite accurate as the data will include divorced individuals and I don't know the impact of divorce on wealth vs. being single throughout life.

There are some financial pluses as an asexual single person is unlikely to have the costs of child(ren) and won't experience the 50% chance of divorce and the accompanying financial impact.

http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/01/the-high-price-of-being-single-in-america/267043/

Okay that's a much more interesting statistic then! Thanks for coming back to clarify. We could still argue cause and effect, but that's pretty much always true when looking at population data statistics. (Too bad we cannot randomly assign 500 25 years olds to get married and another 500 to remain single.) But you're right, it's not clearly not simply a result of different age distributions or looking at data from two people vs one.

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #24 on: December 22, 2015, 01:12:04 PM »
Yes, two incomes is also a factor but I should have been clearer.  Take the median established single in any age group and the median couple in that same age group attributing half the net worth to one and 1/2 the net worth of a couple is greater than the single's net worth.  In fact, the difference is about double per person for couples who stay together.

This is not surprising even if the only factor involved is having two incomes rather than one. Here's why. Suppose that individually, you can earn $40,000 per year (net of taxes) and you spend $25,000 total, of which $16,000 is housing expense (pretty standard for a 1 bedroom apartment in many major cities, ignoring expensive real estate areas). In this scenario, you are able to save $15,000 per year.

Now consider what happens if you partner up with somebody similarly frugal who also happens to earn $40,000 per year (net of taxes). Your total spending is certainly not going to double because you don't need two apartments, and some of the other expenses can probably be shared as well, so the total spending between the two of you might be $30,000 per year, which means as a couple you can save $50,000 per year, which is ~3.33 times as much as you could save individually. When you factor in the effect of compounding, it becomes clear that a dual income household should be expected to have a many-times-higher net worth than a single income individual, without having to resort to the other factors mentioned in your earlier post.


As an aside, I addressed some similar matters in my post dated December 17, 2015 (coincidentally posted a couple days before this thread). That post anticipated and addressed some of totoro's comments here.
« Last Edit: December 22, 2015, 01:43:21 PM by Cathy »

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #25 on: December 22, 2015, 01:53:12 PM »
Given that the vast majority of net worth in Canada and the US is due to home equity I don't believe the hypothesis I provide for one of the reasons for the difference is based on "speculative pop psychology".     

If a couple have a higher net worth personally (each) than a single person and the difference in net worth is almost double for the same age/stage,  it follows that type of home ownership will be large factor in this difference.  It appears logically speaking that two or more people with kids tend to buy larger homes than singles. 

In my experience this is the case.   And the stats bear this out as well.  According to the U.S. Census Bureau's data, the typical American's net worth at age 65 is $194,226. However, removing the benefit from home equity results in that figure plummeting to just $43,921.   Most Americans and Canadians are not "saving" through investments to retirement.  They may have a private pension, government pension and, it appears from the stats, primarily home equity to rely upon.  The doubling effect of dual savings has a much less pronounced effect than greater home equity.

As far as your post, you mention that single people have an unfair tax burden.  That is all I can see mentioned on the link.  The tax differential does not explain the entire difference.  If we are headed towards taxes I'd point out that the capital gains exemption for primary residences benefits those who experience more appreciation as well - like those that own more expensive homes.

I'd agree single people may pay more taxes than couples in some situations in Canada (where I am) such as with a dependent spouse or spousal RRSP, but more so in the US it seems.  Doesn't seem likely that it makes up for the difference, for example, of a dependent spouse claimed as a deduction while caring for children.  Even things like child care costs can only be deducted from the lower income spouse's income.  A childless couple who are both working and earning similar amounts don't get any special tax treatment here because they are married as far as I can tell.

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #26 on: December 23, 2015, 03:05:56 AM »
Just came back to this thread surprised that the discussion is still going so I thought I would classify a few things:

First of all. Yes, being Asexual is possible and yes, I have absolutely no sex drive. I first noticed I was different back when I was 12 at school. One of my friends asked me if I got a bonner when I looked at girls. I didn't know what a bonner was and after my friend explained it to me I was like ???? Why would that happen when you look at girls! Yes, I got them but they occurred randomly and for no purpose.

To this day nothing, I don't have any idea what it would be like to be sexually attracted to anyone or anything. When I was in highschool I was often "bullied" (If you can call it that) for being Asexual. Everyone found out and tested me out. I was on the bus one day and one of the popular girls sat right next to me (I liked to be alone). Then they said "Hey Sam" while smiling, licking their lips and rubbing their hand up and down my leg getting closer and closer to (you can guess it). I moved my leg away then she sat on me saying "You're hot" while another girl joined in and started softly kissing me. I was begging them to stop but they were so annoying and persistent. The popular guys were looking half jealous and half entertained. The gay guys tried it out on me too but nup, they didn't win. I can't be turned on, I don't masturbate and I don't see why people do as from my side love, attraction and sexual pleasures don't and won't ever exist. It's like being born without a sense a smell, someone farts and everybody looks at each other disgusted then moves away. The person who can't smell see's how everyone reacts but is completely immune from what drives them away.

As for my opinions on woman, I've only ever had negative experiences but I understand not all are like this. My mother just wants a massage every time she sees me, my uncle got divorced and lost Everything due to a woman caught up in fraud, (he was a multimillion dollar forex trader) and a lot of people around me get divorced excluding my parents. Most married couples I see fight all the time. At my old female dominated job one of them asked me on my lunch break "how are you?". I answered "Not too good to be honest" and they got really mad at me. "You don't say you are not good, that's rude! When someone asks you how you are you need to say you are good no matter what!". I was the treated awfully by that person for months on end for saying the truth about how I felt. From that day forward I learned that "how are you?" is simply a way of saying hello that must be answered with "good" no matter how you really feel.
« Last Edit: December 23, 2015, 03:11:20 AM by Jupiter »

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #27 on: December 23, 2015, 05:44:31 AM »

 I was on the bus one day and one of the popular girls sat right next to me (I liked to be alone). Then they said "Hey Sam" while smiling, licking their lips and rubbing their hand up and down my leg getting closer and closer to (you can guess it). I moved my leg away then she sat on me saying "You're hot" while another girl joined in and started softly kissing me. I was begging them to stop but they were so annoying and persistent.

Hmmmm...too bad I didn't know about this strategy when I was in HS. 

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #28 on: December 23, 2015, 07:41:16 AM »
Just came back to this thread surprised that the discussion is still going

People put a lot of time into responses, and you didn't respond to any of them, just gave an anecdote about high school.

Did you just want to share about yourself, and not actually discuss, basically?  That's okay, if it's the case, I'm questioning the point of this thread now.
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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #29 on: December 23, 2015, 07:58:41 AM »
I'd have a lot more money. Almost every dumb financial decision I've ever made involved a romantic/sexual relationship, usually a distressed one that I thought I could save through a grand gesture.

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #30 on: December 23, 2015, 01:13:10 PM »
Just came back to this thread surprised that the discussion is still going

People put a lot of time into responses, and you didn't respond to any of them, just gave an anecdote about high school.

Did you just want to share about yourself, and not actually discuss, basically?  That's okay, if it's the case, I'm questioning the point of this thread now.
One can tell from the writing style that there is more going on here than "asexuality", if indeed that's really going on. Yet, it's polite for us to assume good faith.

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #31 on: December 23, 2015, 01:35:08 PM »
To me this sounds like a miserable existence. I'm a very passionate and attracted individual. I can feel peoples energy through body language, facial expressions, tone, language etc......some people pull me in, others repel me. I cannot even fathom what life would be like without the depth and breathe of attraction to others.

I think my life would be very different, I for one would never have ended up in a rock solid relationship with my so for the past 5 years, I would have missed out on a lot of amazing experiences that involved either directly or indirectly a romantic partner/relationship.

I can't see any positive effects. I have never regretted a decision made based on my feelings for someone.

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #32 on: December 24, 2015, 02:39:24 AM »
Just came back to this thread surprised that the discussion is still going

People put a lot of time into responses, and you didn't respond to any of them, just gave an anecdote about high school.

Did you just want to share about yourself, and not actually discuss, basically?  That's okay, if it's the case, I'm questioning the point of this thread now.

I do read each and every one of the responses and find them quite interesting. From what I've read there are 3 main types of responses:

- People who believe being asexual would be a terrible miserable existence. It would alter their life in some way (for the worse in most cases but for some in more of a sideways/neutral way). Some of these people believe there is something more to me than just being asexual and that I should be checked out.
- People who believe their life would be exactly the same (like you) as their job, religion, place of residence, relationships ect... wouldn't be effected by their sexual orientation.
- People who have trouble wrapping their head around the concept entirely as it is too alien for them.

I was only surprised because I was checking back on this thread quite often initially for more responses and at one point I thought the thread had died so I stoped checking then I was surprised to come back and see so many more responses. My last post here was my response to some of the questions others had written about such as the existence of asexuality from my own personal experience and my opinion of woman based on experience. I just didn't use the quote feature when I replied to these people (due to the device I'm using to post this making it very tricky)

Thanks for your responses guys, I found them quite interesting. I'll be taking a break from this forum for a month or so (so I may not see future replies to this thread) but I may be back one day. Thanks for participating in the discussion.

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #33 on: December 24, 2015, 06:03:09 AM »
Cool, thanks for clarifying.

Hope you find what you're looking for.  :)
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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #34 on: December 26, 2015, 11:25:27 AM »
"My mother just wants a massage every time she sees me"
 This jumped out at me, and no one has mentioned it.
At what age did this start?

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #35 on: December 26, 2015, 09:39:35 PM »
Just came back to this thread surprised that the discussion is still going

People put a lot of time into responses, and you didn't respond to any of them, just gave an anecdote about high school.

Did you just want to share about yourself, and not actually discuss, basically?  That's okay, if it's the case, I'm questioning the point of this thread now.

I do read each and every one of the responses and find them quite interesting. From what I've read there are 3 main types of responses:

- People who believe being asexual would be a terrible miserable existence. It would alter their life in some way (for the worse in most cases but for some in more of a sideways/neutral way). Some of these people believe there is something more to me than just being asexual and that I should be checked out.
- People who believe their life would be exactly the same (like you) as their job, religion, place of residence, relationships ect... wouldn't be effected by their sexual orientation.
- People who have trouble wrapping their head around the concept entirely as it is too alien for them.

I was only surprised because I was checking back on this thread quite often initially for more responses and at one point I thought the thread had died so I stoped checking then I was surprised to come back and see so many more responses. My last post here was my response to some of the questions others had written about such as the existence of asexuality from my own personal experience and my opinion of woman based on experience. I just didn't use the quote feature when I replied to these people (due to the device I'm using to post this making it very tricky)

Thanks for your responses guys, I found them quite interesting. I'll be taking a break from this forum for a month or so (so I may not see future replies to this thread) but I may be back one day. Thanks for participating in the discussion.

You may not be reading this, but...

To clarify, I don't think that being asexual would be miserable.  I think that being fake with everyone, not doing (or enjoying) activities with other people simply because the activity itself didn't interest me (IOW, not being able to derive joy from the company of others), and not having emotional connections with other people would be pretty miserable.  Likewise, it isn't asexuality around which I have trouble wrapping my brain, but a lack of emotional connections with pretty much everyone, which sounds more like it would be a an issue with emotional attachment than something related to sexuality (or lack thereof).

It seems to me like you are chalking a lot of things up to being asexual, despite the fact that they are not normally associated with asexuality (a concept with which I was actually familiar before this thread). 
« Last Edit: December 26, 2015, 10:26:11 PM by Villanelle »

EverCurious

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #36 on: December 26, 2015, 09:52:20 PM »
I think my life would be a living hell if I really think about it. I grew up in a town where being anything but heterosexual was asking for trouble. Knowing my environment, I'd probably be bullied all through school and eventually alienated from my family. My mother probably would have tried to have me exorcised or something, and I would probably be a psychological mess.
« Last Edit: December 26, 2015, 09:58:48 PM by EverCurious »

dcheesi

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #37 on: December 29, 2015, 08:06:24 AM »
Not asexual, but I was single and alone for most of my life. So I can definitely relate. Can't say that much would be different, except I might have been a little more mustachian in some of my early lifestyle choices (first car, etc.).

As others have noted, asexual and aromantic are two very different things. But I can also see how the one can lead to the other. When I was young the only reason I sought out friends and social relations was because that seemed to be the route to finding a sexual partner. If you lack that motivation, and aren't naturally social/extroverted, then you might never engage in enough social or romantic behavior to discover the value of relationships for their own sake.

Letj

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #38 on: December 29, 2015, 06:31:45 PM »
Just came back to this thread surprised that the discussion is still going so I thought I would classify a few things:

First of all. Yes, being Asexual is possible and yes, I have absolutely no sex drive. I first noticed I was different back when I was 12 at school. One of my friends asked me if I got a bonner when I looked at girls. I didn't know what a bonner was and after my friend explained it to me I was like ???? Why would that happen when you look at girls! Yes, I got them but they occurred randomly and for no purpose.

To this day nothing, I don't have any idea what it would be like to be sexually attracted to anyone or anything. When I was in highschool I was often "bullied" (If you can call it that) for being Asexual. Everyone found out and tested me out. I was on the bus one day and one of the popular girls sat right next to me (I liked to be alone). Then they said "Hey Sam" while smiling, licking their lips and rubbing their hand up and down my leg getting closer and closer to (you can guess it). I moved my leg away then she sat on me saying "You're hot" while another girl joined in and started softly kissing me. I was begging them to stop but they were so annoying and persistent. The popular guys were looking half jealous and half entertained. The gay guys tried it out on me too but nup, they didn't win. I can't be turned on, I don't masturbate and I don't see why people do as from my side love, attraction and sexual pleasures don't and won't ever exist. It's like being born without a sense a smell, someone farts and everybody looks at each other disgusted then moves away. The person who can't smell see's how everyone reacts but is completely immune from what drives them away.

As for my opinions on woman, I've only ever had negative experiences but I understand not all are like this. My mother just wants a massage every time she sees me, my uncle got divorced and lost Everything due to a woman caught up in fraud, (he was a multimillion dollar forex trader) and a lot of people around me get divorced excluding my parents. Most married couples I see fight all the time. At my old female dominated job one of them asked me on my lunch break "how are you?". I answered "Not too good to be honest" and they got really mad at me. "You don't say you are not good, that's rude! When someone asks you how you are you need to say you are good no matter what!". I was the treated awfully by that person for months on end for saying the truth about how I felt. From that day forward I learned that "how are you?" is simply a way of saying hello that must be answered with "good" no matter how you really feel.

I am confused. What do you mean you don't masturbate? Presumably you do have erections. If not, you might want to check this out with a doctor. Quite honestly, I have never heard of a man, without a sexual partner, not masturbating.

Orvell

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #39 on: December 29, 2015, 06:44:36 PM »
*waves at OP*
Yo. I'm ace too. :) You're not alone out here.

I have to say, I don't think about it as much as you do, though. It's been something I've acknowledged about myself for the last 6 or 7 years, and something that doesn't play a huge part in my every-day life. I am defined by what I do, not what I don't (although I'm not downplaying the importance of having a word to define yourself; it was *huge* for me when I first realized it was not only okay to be ambivalent about such things, but that there was a word and a large community of people who felt, if not the same thing exactly, similar enough to band together on the internet). I prefer to then be a friend, an artist, a star wars fan, a nerd, a cat owner, and a terrible joke teller FIRST and asexual only when it is needed for visibility (like now!) so that others don't feel alone.

I date sometimes. So far 2 of the 3 relationships I've had have been with other ace folks, and 1 was an open relationship where she got her thrills in other locales, and I got to hear hilarious stories of these thrills.
Basically: even if you're aro (as you are), there's more out there than the conventional path. :) Try not to get hung up on what the allosexuals are up to, and instead realize that even platonic life partners are A Thing (if you want it) and if not, rocking it onely style is also totally A Thing lots of people (allosexual, aro, AND ace) do for lots of different reasons.

To other commenters: Being Ace (asexual) is 100% a thing. Some people jack off and some don't. The end. Some people still have sex. Some don't. The end. *Shrugs* It's really not that complicated.

Cathy

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #40 on: December 29, 2015, 07:13:15 PM »
I am also asexual and I am sure there are others here as well. This thread was just not ideal for drawing us out. I was considering starting a thread with a more positive spin; this thread has had a kind of negative vibe to it (I'm not saying that's anyone's fault in particular).

The most common definitions of "asexual" and "aromantic" are "a person who does not experience sexual attraction" and "a person who does not experience romantic attraction", respectively. I have never been sexually attracted to anybody in my life (so I am asexual), but I have experienced romantic attraction to three individuals, when I was 13, 20, and 22 years old, respectively. In each of those three cases, I explicitly articulated a desire for a romantic relationship and I was equally-explicitly rejected, so I've never had a relationship. Three is a pretty small number of people to have ever been romantically attracted to, so I think of myself as borderline aromantic.

I first learned about the concept of asexuality about 10 years ago, and I realised immediately that it applied to me. I'm satisfied with being asexual and even if there were a medical treatment available (as several posters have proposed), I wouldn't be interested in it.
« Last Edit: December 29, 2015, 07:45:19 PM by Cathy »

maizeman

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #41 on: December 29, 2015, 07:27:41 PM »
I am confused. What do you mean you don't masturbate? Presumably you do have erections. If not, you might want to check this out with a doctor. Quite honestly, I have never heard of a man, without a sexual partner, not masturbating.

Yet, you cannot argue with the way a person's brain is wired. I mean, I guess you can, but what would be the point?

So far in life, my experience has been that masturbation habits don't often come up in polite conversation. I knew a couple folks who identified as asexual in college, one a reasonably close friend. He didn't seem to have the same problems developing platonic relationships as the OP but had zero interest in pursuing any relationships beyond that point. Somehow the topic of whether he spanked the monkey never came up....

Orvell

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #42 on: December 29, 2015, 07:43:15 PM »
I am also asexual and I am sure there are others here as well. This thread was just not ideal for drawing us out. I was considering starting a thread with a more positive spin; this thread has had a kind of negative vibe to it (I'm not saying that's anyone's fault in particular).

The most common definitions of "asexual" and "aromantic" are "a person who does not experience sexual attraction" and "a person who does not experience romantic attraction", respectively. I have never been sexually attracted to anybody in my life (so I am asexual), but I have experienced romantic attraction to three individuals, when I was 13, 20, and 23 years old, respectively. In each of those three cases, I explicitly articulated a desire for a romantic relationship and I was equally-explicitly rejected, so I've never had a relationship. Three is a pretty small number of people to have ever been romantically attracted to, so I think of myself as borderline aromantic.

I first learned about the concept of asexuality about 10 years ago, and I realised immediately that it applied to me. I'm satisfied with being asexual and even if there were a medical treatment available (as several posters have proposed), I wouldn't be interested in it.

:))
Your last comment is very important. For me, and for you, and probably for a million other people, being ace or aro isn't something to be solved. It's just who we are.

OP, your situation seems to be bothering you beyond this. You feel like you are missing something, you stated. :( I'm very sorry to hear that. I hope you either find satisfaction with your orientation, or that you maybe talk to someone (therapists are awesome!) about your friendships and how you interact with people, because it seems to me you are not feeling very satisfied at all.

You also stated you'd be taking a break from reading this, so I'm likely talking to no one. :) But if you do come back and read this, I hope you take to heart that being ace doesn't equate with missing out.

teen persuasion

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #43 on: January 01, 2016, 09:30:41 PM »
If I were asexual and aromantic as defined by the OP, I think my life would be very different.

I would not be interested in marriage, or having children, which I was very interested in.  If you remove that from me, I would have had much more focus on my degree and eventual career.  As it turns out, my career after college was as a SAHM for nearly 20 years to my 5 kids. My DH and I have grown up together, influenced each other,  molded one another.  As have my kids, and my experiences with them.  How could I possibly be the same if I never even considered a relationship with DH?

I probably wouldn't have developed into a mustachian w/o sexual attraction - an unplanned pregnancy got DH and me budgeting pretty quickly, and made us think outside the box about all sorts of things.  We discovered that sharing an apartment year round was much less expensive than dorm living, and jobs on campus were surprisingly easy to find (tutoring jobs looked much less geeky when they paid the bills), and could replace student loans for living expenses.  Without that kick in the pants to get us started living mindfully and frugally, I'm not sure where I'd be today - it was definitely a paradigm shift for me.

G-dog

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Re: How different would your life be if you were Asexual and Aromantic?
« Reply #44 on: January 05, 2016, 02:02:47 PM »
I keep reading this as 'aromatic'! Maybe I have been cooking too much!