Author Topic: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"  (Read 42801 times)

Malaysia41

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #100 on: August 25, 2014, 09:53:32 AM »
OMG 'definite deadline?'  How about NOW.

Adventine

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #101 on: August 25, 2014, 10:16:18 AM »
OP, for your family's sake, I certainly hope you're going to actually do the things you say you'll do, such as kick this guy out and change the locks ASAP.

Because it certainly looks like you've got a history of letting more forceful personalities walk all over you.

I think you may be underestimating the things this guy might be willing to do, faced with the threat of losing a roof over his head. He has already threatened physical violence even before you decided to kick him out. Where is your sense of urgency?!

Please, don't let this guy get away with abusing you all.
« Last Edit: August 25, 2014, 10:20:28 AM by Adventine »

CentimentalFreedom

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #102 on: August 25, 2014, 10:26:10 AM »
OP, for your family's sake, I certainly hope you're going to actually do the things you say you'll do, such as kick this guy out and change the locks ASAP.

Because it certainly looks like you've got a history of letting more forceful personalities walk all over you.

I think you may be underestimating the things this guy might be willing to do, faced with the threat of losing a roof over his head. He has already threatened physical violence even before you decided to kick him out. Where is your sense of urgency?!

Please, don't let this guy get away with abusing you all.

I wanted him out yesterday. Seriously. Yes, I will follow through. My brother is coming home. He's bigger and tougher than me.

You're right this guy walked all over me and the sad thing is I let it happen, no matter what the excuse.

I am really pushing to get him out ASAP.

zataks

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #103 on: August 25, 2014, 10:34:48 AM »
OP, for your family's sake, I certainly hope you're going to actually do the things you say you'll do, such as kick this guy out and change the locks ASAP.

Because it certainly looks like you've got a history of letting more forceful personalities walk all over you.

I think you may be underestimating the things this guy might be willing to do, faced with the threat of losing a roof over his head. He has already threatened physical violence even before you decided to kick him out. Where is your sense of urgency?!

Please, don't let this guy get away with abusing you all.

I wanted him out yesterday. Seriously. Yes, I will follow through. My brother is coming home. He's bigger and tougher than me.

You're right this guy walked all over me and the sad thing is I let it happen, no matter what the excuse.

I am really pushing to get him out ASAP.

Going to echo others here and tell you to stop with this "ASAP" stuff. As soon as possible is vague and subjective.
How about, "the locksmith will be here in two hours, get your shit out by then otherwise you can get our from the curb until this time tomorrow. After which time it will be hauled to the dump."

Daleth

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #104 on: August 25, 2014, 11:19:53 AM »
OP, for your family's sake, I certainly hope you're going to actually do the things you say you'll do, such as kick this guy out and change the locks ASAP.

Because it certainly looks like you've got a history of letting more forceful personalities walk all over you.

I think you may be underestimating the things this guy might be willing to do, faced with the threat of losing a roof over his head. He has already threatened physical violence even before you decided to kick him out. Where is your sense of urgency?!

Please, don't let this guy get away with abusing you all.

I wanted him out yesterday. Seriously. Yes, I will follow through. My brother is coming home. He's bigger and tougher than me.

You're right this guy walked all over me and the sad thing is I let it happen, no matter what the excuse.

I am really pushing to get him out ASAP.

When will your brother arrive? That moment = the deadline.

CentimentalFreedom

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #105 on: August 25, 2014, 11:32:47 AM »
When will your brother arrive? That moment = the deadline.

Tomorrow morning.

Louisville

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #106 on: August 25, 2014, 12:17:46 PM »
I'm starting to think Centimental Freedom is making all this up.  Either that, or she and her husband are about as unbalanced as their "friend".  I just read through the whole thread. It just doesn't make sense. No one would react they way (she says) they are reacting.

Mod Note: This post was reported, but we're leaving it. 

As one mod said when discussing it: "I think it actually adds a lot to the discussion - not the comment itself, but how people have responded to it and holding it up as an example of how people in domestic violence situations do commonly react. 

It certainty highlights some common misconceptions that people who aren't familiar with these situations react and I think it's a good chance for dialogue to happen, and that seems to be what is happening."
« Last Edit: August 26, 2014, 08:24:46 AM by arebelspy »

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #107 on: August 25, 2014, 12:25:42 PM »
I'm starting to think Centimental Freedom is making all this up.  Either that, or she and her husband are about as unbalanced as their "friend".  I just read through the whole thread. It just doesn't make sense. No one would react they way (she says) they are reacting.


I don't know about that. Sounds like most victims of abuse to me. That's why I think it's so important to keep repeating that this isn't okay, to show that we anonymous people on the Internet take this seriously, and to emphasize the next steps she can take to protect herself and her family.

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #108 on: August 25, 2014, 12:40:50 PM »
I'm starting to think Centimental Freedom is making all this up.  Either that, or she and her husband are about as unbalanced as their "friend".  I just read through the whole thread. It just doesn't make sense. No one would react they way (she says) they are reacting.

I don't agree. I think there are many, many people that are too nice for their own good, and those are the type of people that users like this "guest" see as perfect to take advantage of. Mostly, it's because we're raised to be polite and helpful and not expect rude/abusive behavior, especially if the assholes like this guy play on their sympathies (broke up with girlfriend, job problems, poor guy just needs some kind souls to help him recover or save him type of song and dance); it takes the nice peeps a whole lot longer to realize they're being taken advantage of, and then the user type person just ups the nasty behavior as a way to both shock and frighten the nice normal person into going along with it... this is how abusers work. Sometimes it takes a very long time for the nice person to realize that they're being bullied and work up the courage to actually do something about it. I think that's the case here.


CentimentalFreedom

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #109 on: August 25, 2014, 12:52:59 PM »
I'm starting to think Centimental Freedom is making all this up.  Either that, or she and her husband are about as unbalanced as their "friend".  I just read through the whole thread. It just doesn't make sense. No one would react they way (she says) they are reacting.

Yes. I guess I could make up something like this, but logically speaking... why would I?

It's okay if you don't believe me. I didn't post it for that.

Are we unbalanced? Maybe we should get help then.
« Last Edit: August 25, 2014, 12:59:10 PM by CentimentalFreedom »

RetiredAt63

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #110 on: August 25, 2014, 01:29:49 PM »
No.  Canadian upbringing = nice, polite.  Maritimer = even more so, can't believe someone would think polite=doormat.  Some people do think that.  We are just slow to realize it.  When we do realize it, the backbone emerges (it was there, just not showing) and we do something about the situation.

Glad your brother will be there soon - sounds like "Bob" will realize this is for real when it is the three of you standing firm. 

Are we unbalanced? Maybe we should get help then.

CentimentalFreedom

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #111 on: August 25, 2014, 02:12:43 PM »
No.  Canadian upbringing = nice, polite.  Maritimer = even more so, can't believe someone would think polite=doormat.  Some people do think that.  We are just slow to realize it.  When we do realize it, the backbone emerges (it was there, just not showing) and we do something about the situation.

Glad your brother will be there soon - sounds like "Bob" will realize this is for real when it is the three of you standing firm. 

Are we unbalanced? Maybe we should get help then.

YEAH... My bro called me dumb for waiting this long... I thinking 100% of the people reading this post will agree... but he's got my back...

Zamboni

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #112 on: August 25, 2014, 04:13:49 PM »
^The first is a generous deadline, so stick to it.  Give him the deadline in writing and keep a copy.

In comparison, if someone mentioned slitting the throat of any of my pets and/or kicked my pet in anything but a clear accident, then they would be out that same day, probably within the hour, in police handcuffs if they didn't leave voluntarily.  The police will side with you 100% of the time on this; call them again if necessary.  Get a restraining order if you need to.

Astromarine

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #113 on: August 26, 2014, 05:40:03 AM »
OP, I sincerely wish you the best of luck, and nothing but happiness in the future, once you get rid of this guy.

But, this forum being this forum, please allow me to be way more blunt than you are probably used to, and maybe more than is acceptable. But as the father of a 10 month old, I feel like I must, and I'll take the consequences other members feel fit to burden me with:

This man is abusing you. He's abusing your husband. Which means that, even though he isn't doing it directly, he's also abusing, or at least creating an abusive environment for, your children. I know, from close experience, the warping and mental gymnastics that abuse creates in its victims. I understand. And it's fantastic that now you've "woken up". But only partway, you're still groggy. So again, allow me to throw some water in your face to help you wake up fully:

If you allow this man ONE MORE outburst. ONE MORE ill-considered remark. ONE MORE I can't-believe-I-have-to-write-this threat of physical violence. ONE MORE HOUR of you retiring to your room and making your children retire to theirs, creating a prison-like stifling environment that they will remember for the rest of their lives. If you do that, OP, you're no longer JUST a victim of abuse.

You're also an accomplice.

I do not care if this guy starves. I do not care if he catches ass cancer from sleeping on a park bench. I do not care if you have to call the police preemptively. I do not care if you recruit the bouncers from the local club. Get him OUT. NOW.

Grid

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #114 on: August 26, 2014, 05:44:15 AM »
ass cancer

I enjoyed the comic relief here.  :)

CowboyAndIndian

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #115 on: August 26, 2014, 07:32:05 AM »
...
If you allow this man ONE MORE outburst. ONE MORE ill-considered remark. ONE MORE I can't-believe-I-have-to-write-this threat of physical violence. ONE MORE HOUR of you retiring to your room and making your children retire to theirs, creating a prison-like stifling environment that they will remember for the rest of their lives. If you do that, OP, you're no longer JUST a victim of abuse.

You're also an accomplice.

I do not care if this guy starves. I do not care if he catches ass cancer from sleeping on a park bench. I do not care if you have to call the police preemptively. I do not care if you recruit the bouncers from the local club. Get him OUT. NOW.

I second this. Go ahead and throw the bum out.
Why are you putting yourself and your family in danger?

dycker1978

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #116 on: August 26, 2014, 08:14:40 AM »
...
If you allow this man ONE MORE outburst. ONE MORE ill-considered remark. ONE MORE I can't-believe-I-have-to-write-this threat of physical violence. ONE MORE HOUR of you retiring to your room and making your children retire to theirs, creating a prison-like stifling environment that they will remember for the rest of their lives. If you do that, OP, you're no longer JUST a victim of abuse.

You're also an accomplice.

I do not care if this guy starves. I do not care if he catches ass cancer from sleeping on a park bench. I do not care if you have to call the police preemptively. I do not care if you recruit the bouncers from the local club. Get him OUT. NOW.

I second this. Go ahead and throw the bum out.
Why are you putting yourself and your family in danger?

I have to agree as well.  If this was me and my familly I would have phyically thrown him out some time ago.  You need to get him out of the house NOW.

CentimentalFreedom

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #117 on: August 26, 2014, 09:54:26 AM »
OP, I sincerely wish you the best of luck, and nothing but happiness in the future, once you get rid of this guy.

But, this forum being this forum, please allow me to be way more blunt than you are probably used to, and maybe more than is acceptable. But as the father of a 10 month old, I feel like I must, and I'll take the consequences other members feel fit to burden me with:

This man is abusing you. He's abusing your husband. Which means that, even though he isn't doing it directly, he's also abusing, or at least creating an abusive environment for, your children. I know, from close experience, the warping and mental gymnastics that abuse creates in its victims. I understand. And it's fantastic that now you've "woken up". But only partway, you're still groggy. So again, allow me to throw some water in your face to help you wake up fully:

If you allow this man ONE MORE outburst. ONE MORE ill-considered remark. ONE MORE I can't-believe-I-have-to-write-this threat of physical violence. ONE MORE HOUR of you retiring to your room and making your children retire to theirs, creating a prison-like stifling environment that they will remember for the rest of their lives. If you do that, OP, you're no longer JUST a victim of abuse.

You're also an accomplice.

I do not care if this guy starves. I do not care if he catches ass cancer from sleeping on a park bench. I do not care if you have to call the police preemptively. I do not care if you recruit the bouncers from the local club. Get him OUT. NOW.

W...O...W... I never thought of it like this....

tmac

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #118 on: August 26, 2014, 10:06:51 AM »
"...they will remember for the rest of their lives..."

I believe this to be true. I have a sister who I believe to be narcissistic and I've dealt with it poorly my whole life. Four years ago, for the first time, my children were present for an episode where she attacked me verbally and I just tried to calm her down, instead of standing up for myself. They were 4 and 6. They are now 8 and 10 and can repeat back the horrible things she said, practically verbatim. If they see an adult crying, they remind me that I cried on that day. They last mentioned it about a month ago. It comes up regularly.

By allowing her to treat me that way, by trying to keep the peace instead of standing up for myself, I was teaching my children that people are allowed to treat THEM like shit and that THEY are responsible for calming the other person down. Bad lesson. So I set some hard boundaries, enforced them, and made sure the kids saw all of it. I'm now teaching them that they have the right to protect themselves and remove harmful people from their lives.

okashira

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #119 on: August 26, 2014, 02:57:11 PM »
OP, I sincerely wish you the best of luck, and nothing but happiness in the future, once you get rid of this guy.

But, this forum being this forum, please allow me to be way more blunt than you are probably used to, and maybe more than is acceptable. But as the father of a 10 month old, I feel like I must, and I'll take the consequences other members feel fit to burden me with:

This man is abusing you. He's abusing your husband. Which means that, even though he isn't doing it directly, he's also abusing, or at least creating an abusive environment for, your children. I know, from close experience, the warping and mental gymnastics that abuse creates in its victims. I understand. And it's fantastic that now you've "woken up". But only partway, you're still groggy. So again, allow me to throw some water in your face to help you wake up fully:

If you allow this man ONE MORE outburst. ONE MORE ill-considered remark. ONE MORE I can't-believe-I-have-to-write-this threat of physical violence. ONE MORE HOUR of you retiring to your room and making your children retire to theirs, creating a prison-like stifling environment that they will remember for the rest of their lives. If you do that, OP, you're no longer JUST a victim of abuse.

You're also an accomplice.

I do not care if this guy starves. I do not care if he catches ass cancer from sleeping on a park bench. I do not care if you have to call the police preemptively. I do not care if you recruit the bouncers from the local club. Get him OUT. NOW.

W...O...W... I never thought of it like this....

So, your brother arrive yet ?

RetiredAt63

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #120 on: August 26, 2014, 06:28:54 PM »
So true.  My almost-ex used to put me down in front of our daughter.  I realized this was not a good idea when I looked at the succession of horrible boyfriends she was putting up with.  Once I stood up for myself (and eventually left) her choice in boyfriends improved - the one she has now is a keeper.

Our children learn from what we do - and being a doormat is a learned behaviour, I have realilzed.  My Mother did not bring me up to be a doormat, but somehow I internalized society's message that it is up to the wife to make the marriage work (remember I was a little girl in the 50's, I sure hope that has changed).

And for inquiring minds, he is an almost-ex, not an ex, because the courts are slow. 

"...they will remember for the rest of their lives..."

I believe this to be true. I have a sister who I believe to be narcissistic and I've dealt with it poorly my whole life. Four years ago, for the first time, my children were present for an episode where she attacked me verbally and I just tried to calm her down, instead of standing up for myself. They were 4 and 6. They are now 8 and 10 and can repeat back the horrible things she said, practically verbatim. If they see an adult crying, they remind me that I cried on that day. They last mentioned it about a month ago. It comes up regularly.

By allowing her to treat me that way, by trying to keep the peace instead of standing up for myself, I was teaching my children that people are allowed to treat THEM like shit and that THEY are responsible for calming the other person down. Bad lesson. So I set some hard boundaries, enforced them, and made sure the kids saw all of it. I'm now teaching them that they have the right to protect themselves and remove harmful people from their lives.

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #121 on: August 26, 2014, 11:29:33 PM »
Who knows if this is a real situation or not.

If it is real I do find that I've lost sympathy for the OP for failing to act on this immediately after seeking advice and while she has children in the house.  The fact that she would continue to permit them and her dog to be subject to this kind of behaviour until the end of the month is unacceptable to me for all sorts of reasons to do with parental and pet-owner responsibility.

At first there was the excuse that she would be in trouble legally.  That was resolved with legal advice through her work and here.  Then she needed to give him time. Then she couldn't act because she needed her husband to do it.  Now they need her brother.

I bet being eventually fed up with the behaviour of enablers of victimization is a common reaction.  Of course, here we don't have a typical domestic violence situation where someone is dependent emotionally and financially on another.  All we have is a room-mate.  It is absolutely ridiculous.

If you can't get it together to deal with this then there is something amiss or the story is fabricated.

Adventine

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #122 on: August 27, 2014, 12:55:24 AM »
Who knows if this is a real situation or not.

If it is real I do find that I've lost sympathy for the OP for failing to act on this immediately after seeking advice and while she has children in the house.  The fact that she would continue to permit them and her dog to be subject to this kind of behaviour until the end of the month is unacceptable to me for all sorts of reasons to do with parental and pet-owner responsibility.

At first there was the excuse that she would be in trouble legally.  That was resolved with legal advice through her work and here.  Then she needed to give him time. Then she couldn't act because she needed her husband to do it.  Now they need her brother.

I bet being eventually fed up with the behaviour of enablers of victimization is a common reaction.  Of course, here we don't have a typical domestic violence situation where someone is dependent emotionally and financially on another.  All we have is a room-mate.  It is absolutely ridiculous.

If you can't get it together to deal with this then there is something amiss or the story is fabricated.

Oh totoro, this thread has been bothering me since yesterday, for precisely the same reasons.

Argyle

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #123 on: August 27, 2014, 06:26:04 AM »
If the story were fabricated, why wouldn't she say, "Yep!  Did it!"?  Or are you thinking it's some kind of attention-seeking?

Sadly I think it is more common that people back off from drawing boundaries in difficult situations.  And we have only heard the more egregious threats, without the tone that they were said in.  Not saying she shouldn't get this guy out, just that there's a whole big context and we're just seeing it in black and white.  And what I've learned from many years of both dealing with people with dysfunctions and being one: you have to say your piece and then let them find the solution in their own time.  Sometimes this leads to sad consequences; but if there were better ways of making others do what we want, we'd have found them by now.  Anyway, the situation seems urgent to us, the viewers at home.  But we need to chill.  We've given advice; that's all we can do.

CentimentalFreedom

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #124 on: August 27, 2014, 07:54:15 AM »
He's officially out!! locks are changed!

CentimentalFreedom

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #125 on: August 27, 2014, 07:55:53 AM »
So, your brother arrive yet ?

Yep... he told him to find a hotel and walked him to the door yesterday!!!!

CentimentalFreedom

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #126 on: August 27, 2014, 08:03:49 AM »
Who knows if this is a real situation or not.

If it is real I do find that I've lost sympathy for the OP for failing to act on this immediately after seeking advice and while she has children in the house.  The fact that she would continue to permit them and her dog to be subject to this kind of behaviour until the end of the month is unacceptable to me for all sorts of reasons to do with parental and pet-owner responsibility.

At first there was the excuse that she would be in trouble legally.  That was resolved with legal advice through her work and here.  Then she needed to give him time. Then she couldn't act because she needed her husband to do it.  Now they need her brother.

I bet being eventually fed up with the behaviour of enablers of victimization is a common reaction.  Of course, here we don't have a typical domestic violence situation where someone is dependent emotionally and financially on another.  All we have is a room-mate.  It is absolutely ridiculous.

If you can't get it together to deal with this then there is something amiss or the story is fabricated.


??? Must be some sort of misunderstanding.

Kids just arrived yesterday AFTER we kicked him out.

I didn't wait until my husband did it... I waited for my husband to be around because he was out of town... I thought that kicking him out of the house while we were both home... alone... would be a pretty stupid move...

Then my husband beat me to it while I was at work...

All of this (advice about kicking out and then the convo itself) happened within the span of 3 days...

My brother being home just reinforces what I said to him.

Sorry for the misunderstanding.
« Last Edit: August 27, 2014, 08:08:22 AM by CentimentalFreedom »

CentimentalFreedom

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #127 on: August 27, 2014, 08:07:06 AM »
If the story were fabricated, why wouldn't she say, "Yep!  Did it!"?  Or are you thinking it's some kind of attention-seeking?

Sadly I think it is more common that people back off from drawing boundaries in difficult situations.  And we have only heard the more egregious threats, without the tone that they were said in.  Not saying she shouldn't get this guy out, just that there's a whole big context and we're just seeing it in black and white.  And what I've learned from many years of both dealing with people with dysfunctions and being one: you have to say your piece and then let them find the solution in their own time.  Sometimes this leads to sad consequences; but if there were better ways of making others do what we want, we'd have found them by now.  Anyway, the situation seems urgent to us, the viewers at home.  But we need to chill.  We've given advice; that's all we can do.

This situation has been a learning curve. The next time I judge someone for not leaving an abusive situation immediately, I'll remind myself of this situation. It's not as easy as we all make it out to be.

lizzzi

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #128 on: August 27, 2014, 08:25:31 AM »
I've been reading the posts the whole time, but not commenting. Like others said, was very worried, couldn't understand why all the dilly-dallying, wondered if it really was a true story. So glad that "bob" is out of the house with locks changed. This whole thread has made me re-think situations in my own life where I probably was letting myself get walked on--at least to some extent--and not setting firm enough boundaries to protect myself. As OP says, it's a learning curve, and not as easy as it sounds.

RetiredAt63

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #129 on: August 27, 2014, 09:40:12 AM »
Whew - so glad this is done, he is gone without trouble, and the locks are changed. 

You mentioned earlier that you were concerned he might get in through the kids - I trust they are fully up to speed on what and what not to do if he tries to contact them?  He may see them as his entry point (or chance to make trouble).

In some ways this must have been even harder on your husband than on you, in that this was a "friend" that he did a lot for, and who betrayed that kindness.  It's good that you two are together on this.

okashira

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #130 on: August 27, 2014, 11:33:40 AM »
I also found myself frustrated at the "dilly-dallying," however one needs to have perspective. This has already been going on for quite some time. It's a huge change in thinking that this thread imparted on the OP and that doesn't happen overnight.
Blaming her for it really amounts to victim blaming and perpetuates the issue you are upset about.
Props to the OP for taking action.

CentimentalFreedom

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #131 on: August 27, 2014, 01:26:32 PM »
Whew - so glad this is done, he is gone without trouble, and the locks are changed. 

You mentioned earlier that you were concerned he might get in through the kids - I trust they are fully up to speed on what and what not to do if he tries to contact them?  He may see them as his entry point (or chance to make trouble).

In some ways this must have been even harder on your husband than on you, in that this was a "friend" that he did a lot for, and who betrayed that kindness.  It's good that you two are together on this.

I have no doubt that it would be harder on my husband than me so I tried to be considerate and this is where it gone me. Betrayal is the perfect description.

I did have a conversation with the kids. My son understands but my daughter may be too young to fully grasp what's going on. My mom is at home all day and my brother will be home other than when he is in school.

Basenji

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #132 on: August 28, 2014, 11:16:59 AM »
Well done. Now get back to your life!

CentimentalFreedom

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #133 on: August 29, 2014, 06:46:08 AM »
Well done. Now get back to your life!

I plan to! Thanks!

Astromarine

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #134 on: August 29, 2014, 08:36:21 AM »
Congratulations. I hope you get to live and rest much better now that you got rid of that negative influence. Sorry about the facepunches. :)

rocksinmyhead

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #135 on: August 29, 2014, 09:03:20 AM »
To threaten one is almost as cowardly and cruel as threatening a child.  No wonder the OP has nightmares about her real children.  I can't even offer advice, as all of it would include illegal acts.

This made me smile. Thanks.

yeah, if this shit happened to me (or really if anyone even just threatened to slit one of our dogs' throats) my boyfriend would probably be in jail right now. sometimes that "fuck the rules, I must defend my pack" attitude of his can be a little frustrating, but this thread is making me grateful for it :)

Everything you've said so far indicates he is irrational... Why are you then waiting for the month to end? Why not just do it today and be done with it? This way you have the entire weekend to recuperate from months of abusive behavior.

Because I wouldn't want someone to do that to me.

but you're not an abusive sociopath! that's the difference!

seriously, all of his behavior sounds unbelievably nutty, but the dog violence/threats really weirds me out because I've often read that cruelty towards animals (esp. pets) is a warning sign for SERIOUSLY dangerous sociopathic/psychopathic behavior down the road.

also, YOU'RE NOT DUMB and him being an absolute frightening maniac is NOT YOUR FAULT. I too can be a bit of a doormat and I also am easily talked into believe I'M being the crazy, irrational one. I'm so glad you guys were finally able to get him out and change the locks!!! I hope you don't feel the least little bit bad about it.

CentimentalFreedom

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #136 on: August 30, 2014, 04:03:18 AM »
Congratulations. I hope you get to live and rest much better now that you got rid of that negative influence. Sorry about the facepunches. :)

Never be sorry for honesty. I was expecting it and I appreciated it.

CentimentalFreedom

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #137 on: August 30, 2014, 04:19:26 AM »
yeah, if this shit happened to me (or really if anyone even just threatened to slit one of our dogs' throats) my boyfriend would probably be in jail right now. sometimes that "fuck the rules, I must defend my pack" attitude of his can be a little frustrating, but this thread is making me grateful for it :)

but you're not an abusive sociopath! that's the difference!

seriously, all of his behavior sounds unbelievably nutty, but the dog violence/threats really weirds me out because I've often read that cruelty towards animals (esp. pets) is a warning sign for SERIOUSLY dangerous sociopathic/psychopathic behavior down the road.

also, YOU'RE NOT DUMB and him being an absolute frightening maniac is NOT YOUR FAULT. I too can be a bit of a doormat and I also am easily talked into believe I'M being the crazy, irrational one. I'm so glad you guys were finally able to get him out and change the locks!!! I hope you don't feel the least little bit bad about it.

I've always, always admired and want my own man to have the "fuck all else, defend my pack" mentality. Some people would say that it's ignorant, but I like it. It makes me feel safe, taken care of, appreciated.

My husband is absolutely not like that so you can see why sometimes I feel like he doesn't care. In fact, in reality it's the opposite. He thinks before he speaks and acts to consider how it would affect me, but I feel that sometimes a little impulsive protection is warranted and appreciated. So although I KNOW his intentions, my feelings beg to differ.

Then we had kids... our world was about the kids... how would what I do affect my kids. If I go to jail then who will take care of my kids? Do I want to grow up without them? Fear drove me to the ground, but after posting it and having clear eyes look at the picture. I realized how wrong I was. Being a doormat is never okay. Set an example for your kids. Until this day, he hasn't looked like a bad person and at least I think I kept everything under wraps. On a good note, he did keep everything on the down low when the kids are around.

I am thoroughly convinced that he's AT LEAST borderline narcissistic, but I don't have education in that area so I could be completely wrong. Either way, the embarrassing truth is... yes, while everything was happening I was still sympathetic towards him. Was it because he was my hubby's friend? Was it because he never asked to be born or be in the position he was? To what extent do we control our surroundings? Our feelings? Our untrained mind? However, after the conversation with him what sympathy I had left was thrown out the window along with my voice.

At this point it's not a matter of fault. I've learnt from this. Consider it another muscle I was able to work out. It's was so easy to say "Well, If I was in that situation I would do this...". To that, I now say... "I don't know until I am put in that situation, but this is what I think..." That is fact.

citrine

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #138 on: August 30, 2014, 06:59:35 AM »
CF...I am glad that you got him out and learned a lesson in the process.  However, don't wait for your husband to have that "pack mentality"....have it for yourself and for taking care of your children.  I find it hard to understand your dilly dallying but I have always been a strong personality and even more so when my loved ones are threatened, especially my animals!
If someone/a situation makes your feel uncomfortable....run from it!  Don't wait to see if they will improve, or do better next time.  Make it a rule that no one except family that you love and get along with can move into your home.  The rent money is not worth this kind of abusive behavior and trauma!

RetiredAt63

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #139 on: August 30, 2014, 11:17:04 AM »
For our children- when in doubt, channel your inner primate - what would a chimpanzee or gorilla mother do?  They don't depend on the males.  ;-)

On a more realistic note, everyone differs in their level of protectiveness, and that differs depending on the situation.  "They" say that men are more likely to push their children in physical activities and women to be more protective, but my husband thought our DD should not be climbing trees.  I thought it was great - but I had climbed lots of trees as a kid, so didn't think it was that dangerous, just part of a normal childhood in the country.

Isn't it nice to have your long weekend free from worry?  Enjoy.

ambimammular

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #140 on: August 30, 2014, 04:29:02 PM »
Congrats Centimental!
That was a long journey over just three days. I'm glad you talked with your kids about how it all happened. Keep the communication open as they process it.
I'm proud of you!

CentimentalFreedom

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #141 on: August 31, 2014, 03:58:31 AM »
For our children- when in doubt, channel your inner primate - what would a chimpanzee or gorilla mother do?  They don't depend on the males.  ;-)

On a more realistic note, everyone differs in their level of protectiveness, and that differs depending on the situation.  "They" say that men are more likely to push their children in physical activities and women to be more protective, but my husband thought our DD should not be climbing trees.  I thought it was great - but I had climbed lots of trees as a kid, so didn't think it was that dangerous, just part of a normal childhood in the country.

Isn't it nice to have your long weekend free from worry?  Enjoy.

Yes!! Absolutely fantastic!! Like Flying....

You're right but sometimes a girl just wants what a girl wants... I know I'm completely capable of protecting and defending myself...

My kids climb tress... is fun to watch :D:D

RetiredAt63

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #142 on: September 01, 2014, 04:15:21 PM »
Happy September!  Labour Day! New school year!  For me this always seemed like the start of the new year, as opposed to January 1.

I hope that with the relief of the tenant moving out (at this point I refuse to use the word "friend") you and your husband are ready to start your new lower-stress lives (tenant gone) and a new financial year.   Please keep us posted on your journal, and of course pick everyone's brains on Ask A Mustachian.

All the best.

CentimentalFreedom

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #143 on: September 07, 2014, 03:56:56 AM »
Happy September!  Labour Day! New school year!  For me this always seemed like the start of the new year, as opposed to January 1.

I hope that with the relief of the tenant moving out (at this point I refuse to use the word "friend") you and your husband are ready to start your new lower-stress lives (tenant gone) and a new financial year.   Please keep us posted on your journal, and of course pick everyone's brains on Ask A Mustachian.

All the best.

Thanks!

MarciaB

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #144 on: December 11, 2014, 11:41:45 AM »
So, it's been a few months. He was gone...did he stay gone? Meaning, did you hear from him? Did he show up and try to wheedle his way back in? Did he make threats or send letters from lawyers or whatever?

DollarBill

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #145 on: December 11, 2014, 12:59:40 PM »
Quote
So far, he's threatened to "beat" my family and yesterday he asked my husband if I would kick him out if he slit my dog's throat. He also asked that, if I decide to kick him out, what are his rights with the rentalsman (New Brunswick). All his threats are uttered under breath or to my husband who treats them as empty threats, which so far they have been.
When I saw the thread title I thought this should be interesting. But when I read this part my whole body went numb. I'm glad everything is better now.

kathrynd

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Re: Help! Narcissistic "Friend"
« Reply #146 on: January 16, 2015, 12:12:43 AM »
I just looked at her 'profile'...last active was 18 Nov 2014.

Today was the first time I had read this thread, and I also was immediately worried especially when the comments were made about the dog.

All I could think of was the movie Cape Fear.

I am actually more concerned now, because 'Bob" could have been playing over ad over in his head, how HE was unfairly treated.

 

Wow, a phone plan for fifteen bucks!