Excuses, excuses

[Roadrunner53]

Okay, this is an odd ball post. There is this person I have known since the 1990's. I had to work with him and it was not easy for so many reasons. Somehow I gritted my teeth and tolerated him. I had no choice if I wanted to keep my job. Basically he was a very nice person but infuriating to work with. I never knew from one minute to the next what would pop into his head and what he would have me do...That is spilt milk and a long time ago. Fast forward to the future...He has always kept in touch with me over the years with Christmas cards. Plus, he has some hobbies that I have no interest in. He is participating in a show where his hobby junk will displayed and plans to invite me when he finds out the date. It would be a long drive, like an hour and a half! First of all, years ago, I went to a few of his shows and was bored to death after 5 minutes but had to hang around for at least an hour so as not to look stupid! I have no intention to go to this upcoming show but need an excuse not to go. I think it will be on a Saturday so I can't say I have a doctor appointment! This is just dumb and I don't want to hurt his feelings but I am not going to waste a day of my life going to something I despise! Anyone been faced with needing an excuse that won't blow up in their face?

[MandalayVA]

So you basically don't like this person but have kept up social ties for some reason.  Here's what you say:

"Sorry, I can't make it, but thanks for asking me."

Do NOT say "maybe another time" because that will encourage him to keep asking you. 

Problem solved.  :D

[Roadrunner53]

I do 'like' this person, however, everything is all about him. He rarely will ask, how are you, how is your spouse. You can't really carry a normal conversation with him. Even if you can steer him to a normal conversation it quickly ends and we are back to HIM and his interests. He is fanatical in everything he does and his tazmanian devil way of working was just not my cup of tea.

The social ties are only to be nice to him, no interest in social activities with him.

Never would I say 'another time' because he would believe I would want to go another time!

I guess I don't have to be specific in WHY I can't go to his show. Thanks MandalayVA.

[BudgetSlasher]

Sounds like your options are to either tell him you cannot/will not make it or to make up an excuse (lie and hope he doesn't find out).

If you are ok making something up just about anything would work, you have family in town, you have an electrician/plumber coming that day, you have a nasty cold, you have to prepare for a medical procedure, your car will be in the shop that day, and so on.

Honestly, I would go the thanks for thinking of me, but I won't be able to make it.

[Roadrunner53]

BudgetSlasher, Thanks for the ideas!

I do have to be careful in what I say. If I were to say my car was in the shop, he would offer to drive an hour and 20 minutes out of his way to pick me up! That would be the kiss of death because then I'd have to stay at the show all day long! LOL! No way! Preparing for a medical procedure would be a good one! Colonoscopy comes to mind! Plumber/electrician sounds good too.

Do not want to hurt his feelings, that is the bottom line. He has a good heart.

We all have been in situations where we feel painted into a corner when someone asks us for something we don't want to do! I am too old to be guilted into going to this show. I have been to two of his shows before and UGH, BORING! He will continue to present his junk at these shows again, again and again. This is the stuff that is maddening. What he thinks is the greatest thing on earth is not to me!

Years ago my spouse and I had a corvette. We joined this corvette club. It was kind of okay at first as we went away one weekend which included a party and the next day was the corvette show. Now that was boring! Everyone parked their vettes out in this field and polished them and dusted, wiped, made the tires gleam. OMG, so my spouse and I spent the day with these other people and that was it! I told my spouse, no way and I doing this again! So dumb and a waste of time to get possibly a stupid plastic statue. We sold the vette probably a year later.

[Kris]

One of the hardest things to learn, it seems, is how not to give an excuse for one’s decisions.

Mandalay’s wording is good. And it is sufficient.

“Excuses, excuses” is an apt title for this post, but a better one should be, “No excuse necessary.”

You aren’t required to give a justification. And don’t let yourself be bullied into making one up. Hell, if your friend absolutely will not let the conversation drop, you simply say, “I’m sorry, as you recall I have been to these in the past. They are just not my cup of tea. i hope you enjoy yourself, though.”

[Roadrunner53]

Yes, the truth should come first but sometimes white lies are necessary. This person gets his feelings hurt very easily.

I kind of think he thinks of me as a daughter and as someone who swoons over his hobby. All of a sudden he just came out of the wood work with this stuff. He sent me a token of his hobby and I sent him a thank you note and immediately he sent me back an update of his upcoming show. I just tried to be nice and now I have to figure out an excuse.

[bwall]

As others have posted, no excuse necessary.

[englishteacheralex]

Gosh, this goes against everything I believe in. I have a policy that I don't make excuses when I don't want to do something. I just say I'm sorry. I might say I have other plans. Because I do. My plans don't include whatever event I don't want to go to. They may include eating ice cream on the couch that afternoon.

This is actually, philosophically, something I've thought about a lot. I don't make up white lies. It makes social interactions more awkward, but in the long run I believe it makes me a more trustworthy person. It's important to me to RSVP clearly to things, right away. I don't "ghost". I don't keep my options open. If someone invites me to something that isn't a priority for me, I am polite but immediate and straightforward. Sorry, I have other plans that day. The end. If I want to attend and have the ability to do so, I say yes and make it a point to show up regardless of "better offers" that might come down the pike.

I recommend the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It's ok to say no to things. If you're having this much trouble with feeling obliged to attend a boring event that a mere acquaintance has invited you to, I imagine you struggle with this sort of issue a lot.

Maybe watch Ron Swanson on Parks and Rec for pro tips about how to be straightforward with people. :)

[Kris]

Yes, the truth should come first but sometimes white lies are necessary. This person gets his feelings hurt very easily.

I kind of think he thinks of me as a daughter and as someone who swoons over his hobby. All of a sudden he just came out of the wood work with this stuff. He sent me a token of his hobby and I sent him a thank you note and immediately he sent me back an update of his upcoming show. I just tried to be nice and now I have to figure out an excuse.

No. You really don’t. His feelings are not your responsibility to take care of.

[Roadrunner53]

Gosh, this goes against everything I believe in. I have a policy that I don't make excuses when I don't want to do something. I just say I'm sorry. I might say I have other plans. Because I do. My plans don't include whatever event I don't want to go to. They may include eating ice cream on the couch that afternoon.

This is actually, philosophically, something I've thought about a lot. I don't make up white lies. It makes social interactions more awkward, but in the long run I believe it makes me a more trustworthy person. It's important to me to RSVP clearly to things, right away. I don't "ghost". I don't keep my options open. If someone invites me to something that isn't a priority for me, I am polite but immediate and straightforward. Sorry, I have other plans that day. The end. If I want to attend and have the ability to do so, I say yes and make it a point to show up regardless of "better offers" that might come down the pike.



I recommend the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It's ok to say no to things. If you're having this much trouble with feeling obliged to attend a boring event that a mere acquaintance has invited you to, I imagine you struggle with this sort of issue a lot.

Maybe watch Ron Swanson on Parks and Rec for pro tips about how to be straightforward with people. :)

Yes, I do struggle with saying NO to people. I have no trouble if I don't like someone to reject something but when it comes to a non stranger, it is very hard for me. I will take your advice.

[Roadrunner53]

Here is a good article. I am feeling better about saying no now!

https://lifehacker.com/5875337/how-to-say-no-without-being-an-asshole

[TheWifeHalf]

"I'm not really interested in XXXX anymore, and with my new interests, I had to let some things go.
But thanks for asking, and have a good time!

[zoltani]

You lack assertiveness. I recommend the following book:

https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty-ebook/dp/B004IK8Q22/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1524512735&sr=8-1&keywords=when+i+say+no+i+feel+guilty

[charis]

Yeah, I guess it is better to just say you are not interested.  But I would probably say that I have other plans or a conflict that weekend.  If you feel like that is stretching the truth, just make some plans.  And then do them.  Or don't.  It's your life.

[NoraLenderbee]

"Bummer, i already have plans for that day. but thanks for inviting me."

You have plans. Period. You don't need to think up a plausible reason; you simply have plans that you can't change. It doesn't matter whether your plans are to go skydiving, wash the dog, or lie in bed watching Netflix. You don't have to justify yourself.

[Roadrunner53]

You lack assertiveness. I recommend the following book:

https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty-ebook/dp/B004IK8Q22/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1524512735&sr=8-1&keywords=when+i+say+no+i+feel+guilty

I just bought this book and I see the reviews are fantastic. Yes, I am not assertive and like to be Mrs. Nice Guy. I am a people pleaser but do hate myself for getting railroaded into doing stupid crap that I have no interest in. I once went to a wedding shower because I thought it was going to be a small intimate affair and for some reason thought the girl wouldn't have too many people attending so me, being Mrs. Nice guy went to the shower of a girl I didn't even know. She was the daughter in law to be to someone my Hub worked with. I went to the shower and it was so huge and there was probably 80 people there. I knew no one there not even the bride to be! Then when they eventually started opening presents it was several hours to finish. Then cake and coffee. ARRRRRGGGG, that was it, I said to myself I would NEVER go to a bridal shower ever again! Plus, it was on a Sunday afternoon on my day off wasting my precious weekend! Hahahahaha, not funny, but they ended up divorced!

[zoltani]

You lack assertiveness. I recommend the following book:

https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty-ebook/dp/B004IK8Q22/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1524512735&sr=8-1&keywords=when+i+say+no+i+feel+guilty

I just bought this book and I see the reviews are fantastic. Yes, I am not assertive and like to be Mrs. Nice Guy. I am a people pleaser but do hate myself for getting railroaded into doing stupid crap that I have no interest in. I once went to a wedding shower because I thought it was going to be a small intimate affair and for some reason thought the girl wouldn't have too many people attending so me, being Mrs. Nice guy went to the shower of a girl I didn't even know. She was the daughter in law to be to someone my Hub worked with. I went to the shower and it was so huge and there was probably 80 people there. I knew no one there not even the bride to be! Then when they eventually started opening presents it was several hours to finish. Then cake and coffee. ARRRRRGGGG, that was it, I said to myself I would NEVER go to a bridal shower ever again! Plus, it was on a Sunday afternoon on my day off wasting my precious weekend! Hahahahaha, not funny, but they ended up divorced!

It can be a little dry, and it's an old book so keep that in mind with the examples, but it helped me greatly.

[simonsez]

Have any hobbies of your own?  I'd probably go with 'can't make it' at first and if they inquired would say I had a hobby that I was devoting time to and if they STILL inquired then that's weird but if you have a hard time not catering to people, then I'd state the hobby.  Heck, it could be anything, you could say you want to paint or are training for a half marathon or you've got a book meeting club you need to prep for.  Anything you need to clean up from tax season?  Going hiking with a friend?  Mental health chill day?

[Roadrunner53]

I have always relied on an excuse like I can't go because...and then go into detail which ends up being tedious to come up with a believable story. From reading these posts I see that it is perfectly okay to just say "sorry, I can't make it, but thank you for asking me". I just always fear that the person will want to 'know' the reason or try to extend the conversation by being interested in what I might be doing rather than come to their event. Being assertive is not easy! I don't like to hurt feelings but I also don't want to attend things that suck for me! Been there and done that and ain't going back.

This person I mentioned earlier in my posts is really not manipulative. He just thinks his hobby is the greatest thing on earth and that he has mastered it to the point of perfection. I guess he thinks everyone is in love with his junk. I find it extremely BORING! Zzzzzz!!!

Simonsez, I have no real hobbies. But your other ideas are good to keep in mind!

[GuitarStv]

I had to work with him and it was not easy for so many reasons. Somehow I gritted my teeth and tolerated him. I had no choice if I wanted to keep my job.

he has some hobbies that I have no interest in. He is participating in a show where his hobby junk will displayed and plans to invite me when he finds out the date. It would be a long drive, like an hour and a half!

I went to a few of his shows and was bored to death after 5 minutes but had to hang around for at least an hour so as not to look stupid!

This is just dumb and I don't want to hurt his feelings but I am not going to waste a day of my life going to something I despise! Anyone been faced with needing an excuse that won't blow up in their face?

I do 'like' this person, however, everything is all about him.

The social ties are only to be nice to him, no interest in social activities with him.

You don't like working with this person.  You don't like being around this person.  You don't share interests with this person.  This person doesn't care about anyone but himself.  Why are you wasting your time staying connected to him?

Here's what I would respond:

"Hey, I appreciate the invite, but I've got no interest at all in your hobbies and don't like being around you."

Then go on with the rest of my life.  My time is too precious to waste.

[Davnasty]

I had to work with him and it was not easy for so many reasons. Somehow I gritted my teeth and tolerated him. I had no choice if I wanted to keep my job.

he has some hobbies that I have no interest in. He is participating in a show where his hobby junk will displayed and plans to invite me when he finds out the date. It would be a long drive, like an hour and a half!

I went to a few of his shows and was bored to death after 5 minutes but had to hang around for at least an hour so as not to look stupid!

This is just dumb and I don't want to hurt his feelings but I am not going to waste a day of my life going to something I despise! Anyone been faced with needing an excuse that won't blow up in their face?

I do 'like' this person, however, everything is all about him.

The social ties are only to be nice to him, no interest in social activities with him.

You don't like working with this person.  You don't like being around this person.  You don't share interests with this person.  This person doesn't care about anyone but himself.  Why are you wasting your time staying connected to him?

Here's what I would respond:

"Hey, I appreciate the invite, but I've got no interest at all in your hobbies and don't like being around you."

Then go on with the rest of my life.  My time is too precious to waste.

And if that doesn't make him cry, try kicking his puppy

[Roadrunner53]

Dabnasty, I didn't purposely stay in touch with him. He stayed in touch with me.

As much as I don't enjoy much about him, I couldn't be mean to someone who doesn't have a clue. He is pretty old and would crush him.

I am just trying to avoid him and I don't encourage him either. If I were to give an inch he would want a mile.

He has plenty of family to swoon over his junk but he has probably driven them nuts too.

[Just Joe]

If you do go down the path of "stories" just be careful what you post to social media during that period.

I would just say you can't attend and if they press for details tell them you need the rest and the opportunity to get caught up (laundry/chores).

I have one of those friends too once. Older fellow who could just never accept that I had stuff to do, he needed a reason for why I wasn't hanging out with the crowd (him plus friends). Then he'd suggest I wasn't being honest. That didn't go down well with me and I distanced myself from him/them.

[GuitarStv]

I had to work with him and it was not easy for so many reasons. Somehow I gritted my teeth and tolerated him. I had no choice if I wanted to keep my job.

he has some hobbies that I have no interest in. He is participating in a show where his hobby junk will displayed and plans to invite me when he finds out the date. It would be a long drive, like an hour and a half!

I went to a few of his shows and was bored to death after 5 minutes but had to hang around for at least an hour so as not to look stupid!

This is just dumb and I don't want to hurt his feelings but I am not going to waste a day of my life going to something I despise! Anyone been faced with needing an excuse that won't blow up in their face?

I do 'like' this person, however, everything is all about him.

The social ties are only to be nice to him, no interest in social activities with him.

You don't like working with this person.  You don't like being around this person.  You don't share interests with this person.  This person doesn't care about anyone but himself.  Why are you wasting your time staying connected to him?

Here's what I would respond:

"Hey, I appreciate the invite, but I've got no interest at all in your hobbies and don't like being around you."

Then go on with the rest of my life.  My time is too precious to waste.

And if that doesn't make him cry, try kicking his puppy

Is it better to just keep lying about the situation to him and yourself . . . missing all of these events that he keeps inviting to you because you don't have the courage to break off a relationship that isn't working?  I'm more of a rip the band-aid off and get the unpleasantness over with rather than let a wound fester for decades.  But, as always, YMMV.

[PoutineLover]

I used to do stuff just because someone asked me to or because I didn't want to hurt their feelings. But as I got busier with my own life, I realized that I have to make choices all the time about who and what I will devote energy and time to, and that hurting someone's feelings is less important than prioritizing myself and my own time. So along with everyone else here: learn to say no. I no longer spend time with people I don't care about, so that I have more time to spend with people I do care about (including myself, because even alone time is important). I have ended friendships that were one sided or not serving me well. I used to feel bad because they didn't have other friends, but that is no longer my problem. We have one life, we get 24 hours in a day (only 16 awake!) and I'm not wasting any of that on stuff I don't want or need to do. No is a complete sentence, you don't need to give a reason. I'm still learning this myself, it's not easy, but it's so worth it.

[Roadrunner53]

Once he sends the invitation in the mail I will turn around and tell him thanks but I have other plans that day. That is it.

He is very old and so enthusiastic about his hobby junk. I could never crush his spirit. But I will not be held hostage in a situation that I cannot tolerate either.