Our first baby is due in July. We live in Chicago. My family are in Australia. DH's family are a 7 hour drive away, in northern MI.
For DH's parents, this is their second grandbaby - his sister had her first last year.
For my parents, this is their eighth grand baby. I have three siblings, all have had multiples already.
My parents are easygoing and have said multiple times "This is your time, whatever you want from us, let us know, but there's no pressure from us." I chatted things over with them, and we decided to have them book their flight to Chicago for 3 weeks after the due date.
Reasoning: I'm very independent and our condo is very small. I am also a total introvert. DH and I decided we really want some space right after baby is born - to revel in being a family of three, parents, to figure stuff out, to enjoy his limited paternity leave, and to bond. We know we'll have questions and we know that we will struggle at times and want help - we do have good friends in the area we can call on. But all things considered, our best guess about what we'll want/need in that unpredictable time, is that we'll want our space.
So my parents were cool with that and will arrive a few weeks after baby's due date (Even if baby is 2 weeks late, they'll still be still a week out, and we can still have that time.)
Issue: DH's parents. I don't get on very well with them, for various reasons that I won't go into. It's not anyone's fault, we're just very, very different people. I find them overbearing and fussy and interfering. They are disappointed at how long it's taken me to bond with them. Culturally, we are worlds apart [e.g. I am a PhD who's lived all over the world. They have never left the US and never intend to "because why would you want to" and plan to vote Trump and are upset that I won't call them "Mom and Dad" even though that's not culturally a thing where I come from. On my first meeting with FIL, he informed me he would "scold me when I Deserve it" (???) Long story...trying to paint a brief picture for you.]
When DH's sister had her baby, she called them when her water broke and they hopped in the car, drove 9 hours to the hospital, and met the baby as soon as she was born and then stayed with SIL for 2 months. I would die. I mean, I just couldn't' handle it. I find them really hard work (e.g. ignoring racist/sexist statements, trying to be gracious because I know they're a product of their time/place...). They helped SIL out tremendously, as she wanted them to - constantly asking what she needed, what baby needed, giving their opinions on whether baby was too hot or cold or tired or hungry. Basically, well-meaning stuff that many people would appreciate and that I know would drive me crazy.
So DH (who gets it and is a godsend) has been letting them know, when it's come up, that we are looking for some privacy and space for the first week or so, that my parents are planning to give that to us by coming a bit later, and we kind of thought they had the hint. His mom asked a few weeks ago if we would like them to be there when I come home from the hospital, which showed awareness on her part, and DH was able to say "thanks but our place is too small and we really want to figure it out ourselves, because I'll have to go back to work soon enough and we need to get our confidence up" etc. Which is totally truthful.
Now they want to know (got an email today): Are you going to call when DIL is in labor so we can come and meet the baby in the hospital for a few hours?
I am so torn. I recognize that if I liked them more and got on with them more, I'd probably be OK with it. But I want my privacy. I don't want them there right away, fussing. That will hurt their feelings. I feel like the right thing to do is say "OK, you can come to the hospital" but I just don't want them to. Is that awful of me? I also feel like my parents don't get to be there (no way to book the international flight knowing exactly when baby will arrive) and have respected our wishes and been so eager to do what's right for us, that I'm feeling resentment that I'm not getting the same thing from my in-laws, which is probably adding to the "I don't want them there right away" vibe.
What would you do?
TLDR: my parents-in-law and I don't get on well. They want to be at the hospital when baby is born. I want some privacy for a week. Should I acquiesce?