depression and gratitude

[Runrooster]

I'm mildly depressed.  Lots of overtime at work, colder/snowier winter than usual, resulting in less exercise and sunshine.

Early in January, our heat was not functioning.  Along with bitter cold, the house was 57 degrees (less near the windows). For 2 weeks.
I'm grateful that 1. our heat is now fixed and 2. my senior parents survived and did not get sick (I tried to get them to move out).
3. I got a minor cold about a week later, sometimes the body waits to get sick til the stress is over.  It's now just a lingering cough.

I also know/watch about my relatives in 3rd world country having sporadic daily power outages.  Knock on wood, there's still some bad snows coming, but so far we've been lucky.  And we even temporarily were without running water.  It was like a mini camping trip.  Hot water for baths is great!

I put a lot of work (1.5 years over time) into a professional credentialing exam, and recently found I failed for the 3rd time.  They don't give a ton of feedback but it looks like I was very close to passing.  Everyone assumes I'll just take it again.  I might, but not right away.  I don't have it in me. 

Spring is coming; I know this but it feels far away.

I have a good job, but I still feel incompetent 2.5 years in.  The salary, benefits, people are good.

I'm not FI but I have a good stache.

My parents, 83 and 91 are still in great shape for their age.

My health is good; my family has diabetes, my brother can barely walk; I don't have these yet.

I can list so many things to be grateful for, I should be happier.

Nothing really feels good; I've walked some this week but it's hard. Netflix bores me.  Socializing annoys me.  I don't have a pet or watch sports.  I don't gamble or drink alcohol.  I had a dream that I went clothes shopping and later was at an art museum, neither of which I've done in years.  I play games for about 20 minutes a day.  8 years ago I used to attend a lot of performing arts events; I could at least listen to music to relax, but I mostly listen while driving.

I mentioned to my sister that I feel like I have no joy in my life; she said no one does.  Really, the millionaire doctor, who exercises 2 hours a day, goes out of state vacation once a month, has 3 successful kids and 6 grandkids mostly in the same city thinks her life is humdrum? 

[AuspiciousEight]

Well....you're not the only depressed person on this forum my friend.

It's also pretty common to be depressed about sad things happening in life, in the world, and with your loved ones.

Loss is a part of life. People come and go. Health comes and goes. Nothing is perfect. We all mess up at times. We all make mistakes.

You're not alone.

Sorry that you're not feeling well. Hope you find better days in the future.

[Fru-Gal]

I have been depressed several times in my life. It’s terrible. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It seems like you have good instincts to do a few things to pull yourself out of it. You mentioned exercise/nature, you mentioned gratitude (spirit), you mentioned family (social connections). These are all excellent avenues for improving your state of mind. Here are some thoughts I have on this based on my own experience:

1. It’s OK to be depressed. Give yourself permission to be down for a while due to all these circumstances, the weather, and whatever is going on in your head. This too shall pass.

2. You can’t think your way out of depression… thinking is often what gets you INTO depression. You have to IMAGINE your way out. That’s why I’m excited about this next point…

3. Your dream… wow! I love to interpret dreams. Here you have a perfect one: Literally your mind gave you two examples of things you have not done recently. Not only that, but new clothes imply a change of persona or identity. And the art museum implies immersing yourself in something creative, which sounds like it’s something that you used to do more often. The message? Try new things. Or at least try one new thing. Then rest up. Then try another. It’s like walking, one foot in front of the other.

I hope this is helpful.

Oh and by the way, I know it’s probably harder when it’s family to say the right thing, but it wasn’t super empathetic of your sister to dismiss your feelings as something everyone is going through right now. You’re looking for help and asking for it, which is a very good step in the right direction. She wasn’t maybe the right person for that. You might also consider any kind of support group or social group.