Author Topic: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family  (Read 25030 times)

MoonCard

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Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« on: October 31, 2014, 03:23:23 PM »
I recently started a relationship with someone I like a lot. We share many of the same values and interests, he makes me laugh, and time really does fly when we're together.

We're getting to a point where things are starting to feel more serious. But there's one big thing that's giving me a lot of anxiety about whether I want the relationship to get serious: he apparently comes from a financially irresponsible, emotionally unstable family. It's been mentioned a couple of times that he might end up having to support his divorced parents, who both apparently have issues with alcohol and depression. (He is definitely a black sheep in his family, and is far more like me in terms of financial and general responsibility.)

When I imagine my ideal marriage, I imagine marrying into a family of warm, stable people I admire. I am very lucky to come from such a family; full of (mostly) kind, responsible, not divorced, and financially stable people. I would love to marry someone with a similar family, since it seems like such a wonderful way to live out life and marriage.

So, of course, the question is whether I want to stay with him, even though if we eventually married, I would have to give up on my fantasy about my ideal husband's family.

I know financial disagreements are at the root of a lot of failed marriages. I don't think I would be okay with much of the savings my husband and I worked very hard for going to his parents because they were not responsible enough to look out for themselves. I save my money for my early retirement, my (potential) kids, and for helping those I love should they face some serious bad luck, not to help support their irresponsible habits. I don't expect my parents to ever need my financial help, unless they see some really terrible luck.

We're nowhere near marriage, but things are getting more serious. And I am definitely the type who dates to marry...I'm not interested in getting into a very serious relationship with someone I can't see myself marrying.

Does anyone have any advice? Are my concerns reasonable, or are they selfish or shallow or premature, since I haven't even met his family? We haven't yet talked about my concerns, even though he has been pretty open in telling me about his family's flaws (and strengths, too! they're not completely awful). How can I bring this up so that we can have a productive conversation? He's pretty sensitive, and has confided in me how he grew up hating that he came from a "messed-up family," so I'm worried I might really hurt him. :(

trailrated

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #1 on: October 31, 2014, 04:07:03 PM »
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When I imagine my ideal marriage, I imagine marrying into a family of warm, stable people I admire. I am very lucky to come from such a family; full of (mostly) kind, responsible, not divorced, and financially stable people. I would love to marry someone with a similar family, since it seems like such a wonderful way to live out life and marriage.

I think a huge part is knowing that you are on the same page with things that you can control. Can your BF control who his parents are? No not at all, but if he shares that same vision of what your family (you and him) will be like for your future children I think it might be worth investing in.

When it comes to his parents and supporting them financially, that is a totally valid concern and something that you should speak to him directly about. Hope this helps.

GizmoTX

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #2 on: October 31, 2014, 04:22:48 PM »
It's certainly appropriate to discuss what "support" means to your BF. If financial, how much? If other kinds of support, what? I think it would be wise of your BF not to make any promises to his family, as this lets them off from being responsible for themselves. You'll have to judge for yourself if there's the potential for a lot of crazy drama there.

I grew up in just such a family & was nothing like them, then or now. While I had similar support fears, I never made any promises to them. To their credit, they didn't ask for money, just information. I ended up inviting my mother to move in when she had terminal cancer & we were really glad for the time with her. To this day my sibs are mostly nice but mostly following in the same unfortunate practices of my parents.

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #3 on: October 31, 2014, 04:38:55 PM »
You're right to be concerned. It could be a serious source of friction between you two in the future. Pay attention to whether they have to "borrow" money from him in the next several months and express your views and concerns.

Sid Hoffman

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #4 on: October 31, 2014, 04:49:38 PM »
I'll avoid telling a 20 paragraph long story, but your story sounds similar to what I dealt with and my marriage ended in divorce.  I'd say the biggest problem wasn't that I couldn't deal with her often depressing family, it was that my wife couldn't deal with my family because she said they constantly made her feel inferior, like they were too prim and proper for her.  My family is about as laid back as it gets, so it never made sense to me, but ultimately people tend to have deep-seated feelings that will never change.

On the topic of money specifically, again in as few words as I can, basically my wife would take "our" money (my wife only worked 4 months in 6.5 years of marriage) and give it to her family, even though they generally were making extremely short-sighted consumerist financial decisions and it was just a waste to give money to them if they turned around and spent it going out to eat, cigarettes, and on new cars they couldn't really afford.  If I protested, she'd act like I was robbing her family of money they needed to survive.

In the end it was my wife who left me anyway, so even though I gave all that I had to give, it was never enough.  It's like the hedonic treadmill, but playing out in my marriage where no matter what I was giving: money, time, hobbies, whatever it was never enough.  I'd give more and she'd just acclimate to more until it was no longer enough.

When you marry someone, you marry their entire family.  If you don't like them or they don't like you, things may not go well.  Especially in the case of money, distance is not protection or an excuse.  My wife would simply mail checks across the country for family members of hers.  I hate to say it, but at this point in my life I'm too old to have more kids anyway and too bitter to marry into a poor family that will try to treat me like their cash cow.  If I do marry again, I would only marry someone financially on the same page as me and with at least a reasonably stable family dynamic.

lizzzi

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #5 on: October 31, 2014, 07:28:52 PM »
I'll start by saying I don't think you should hold anyone's family against them. We all probably have a few weird relatives hidden in the cupboard somewhere. Having said that, I think if you are considering a future with this person, you should meet his family and get to know them, and also spend more time getting to know the SO better. During this time, you can have frank discussions about what you and he think family responsibilities should entail. For myself, if I were dating someone who really and truly thought he might support his wastrel, whacko parents some day, I would run screaming for the exits. I don't require a warm, stable family constellation like the Waltons, although half-way decent in-laws are always nice…but if you and your potential children are going to have your net worth and quality of life ruined by a bunch of losers, I would simply avoid it by not marrying this guy. Alternatively, you could marry him, keep your own money totally separate, and be ready to support the family if he's  given away the store to his deplorable relatives.

MoneyCat

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #6 on: October 31, 2014, 08:04:18 PM »
People on this board who know my story know that I am a person from a really screwed up, financially irresponsible family who are non-supportive and consistently cause me problems.  Luckily, I happen to be married to the most wonderful woman in the world who understands that I have no control over the family I was born into and that their problems are their own, especially since I am completely different from them.  If you are blaming this guy over something he didn't cause to happen, then maybe you should take another look in the mirror before rushing to action, because he isn't really the problem here.

tracylayton

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #7 on: October 31, 2014, 08:28:05 PM »
People on this board who know my story know that I am a person from a really screwed up, financially irresponsible family who are non-supportive and consistently cause me problems.  Luckily, I happen to be married to the most wonderful woman in the world who understands that I have no control over the family I was born into and that their problems are their own, especially since I am completely different from them.  If you are blaming this guy over something he didn't cause to happen, then maybe you should take another look in the mirror before rushing to action, because he isn't really the problem here.




No, I don't think she's blaming him at all...she's just worried because he said he might end up supporting them someday. That would scare the bejeebers out of me, too.

lifejoy

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #8 on: November 01, 2014, 09:32:44 AM »
I think these are valid worries. But I think the fact that you're on the same page as your guy says A LOT.

Option A: you stop dating this guy because his fam could affect your ER date.
Option B: you stay with him but keep finances separate, always.
Option C: love him, love his family. Realize that some choices come with a cost, and factor in supporting his parents into your financial plans.
Option D: his parents could be abducted by aliens (or whatever) and then the problem is gone. (Not everyone lives to their 90's!)

I chose Option C :) But it was easier because I love his parents, and they have four kids so presumably any cost will be diffused by a factor of four.

Goldielocks

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #9 on: November 01, 2014, 09:59:11 AM »
I think it is fair, when considering eventual marriage, to put aside the (good) emotion and look at it logically, at least once.

Marriage is a long term team effort, almost like starting a new enterprise.  You need to evaluate the supporting and baggage factors alike.

To this end, you need clear thinking around things like:
Alimony and children of previous marriages.
Crazy ex factor- will it impact your life?
Previous convictions( e.g. no travel, reduced employment opportunity)
Bad finances, debts
Poor health that may balloon into a huge change?
AND
Family,  you will need to interact with them for the next 40 years unless they are utterly cut off.

Most relationships have at least one of the above challenges, so you need to ask more questions and be clear about what you are getting into.  Also ask yourself what you would do if this were your family, and see if you are on the same page as your BF.

If you really see yourself FIRE in a sunny country by 38, and he sees his mom moving into your home when she is 72, you really need to discuss your goals.

Good luck!

Christiana

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #10 on: November 01, 2014, 12:41:31 PM »
There's a reason that "for richer or poorer" is in the marriage vows.  Is this a guy you'd be willing to spend the rest of your life poor with?

DollarBill

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #11 on: November 04, 2014, 07:38:01 AM »
If it doesn't feel like a fairy tale then it's time to move on.

Louisville

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #12 on: November 04, 2014, 08:37:05 AM »
If it doesn't feel like a fairy tale then it's time to move on.
I pray that's sarcasm.

frugalnacho

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #13 on: November 04, 2014, 08:59:26 AM »
I recently started a relationship with someone I like a lot. We share many of the same values and interests, he makes me laugh, and time really does fly when we're together.

We're getting to a point where things are starting to feel more serious. But there's one big thing that's giving me a lot of anxiety about whether I want the relationship to get serious: he apparently comes from a financially irresponsible, emotionally unstable family. It's been mentioned a couple of times that he might end up having to support his divorced parents, who both apparently have issues with alcohol and depression. (He is definitely a black sheep in his family, and is far more like me in terms of financial and general responsibility.)


Sounds a lot like me.  Although I consider myself the white sheep of the family.  The rest of them are fucked up black sheep.  My parents and sister already live in a house I own, and I know they are going to be a financial burden to me and my wife later in life (even more than now). 

Oh well.  For richer or poorer. 

southern granny

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #14 on: November 04, 2014, 12:00:00 PM »
If he is a good man, don't let the family scare you off.  I am the "black sheep" of my family meaning that with 4 brothers and sisters and my mom and alcoholic stepfather, I was/am the only one with a healthy bank account.  We have been married 39 years.  Over those years I have let family members stay with us for short periods of time.  I have loaned money that I almost never got back.   I paid for my sisters funeral out of my own pocket.  I have a brother in prison that I send money to on occasion.  But I am not a sucker.  I have said no more often than I say yes.  My husband has never complained once although there have been a few times when he said " we can't keep everybody up".  I have a niece and nephew that call me for money and so far I have always told them no.   Now 39 years into the marriage my mother, step father, and one sister have passed on. Before the sister passed, I was paying for her cell phone and taking her about $5 a week of snack foods.   Another sister I have now disowned.  I am thankful that my husband didn't hold my family against me and he never threw them up in my face.  My grandmother instilled in me that you always have to help out "blood kin" if they are really in need.  You don't have to like them, you don't even have to be on speaking terms, but if they are in trouble you have to help.  I don't regret anything that I have done.    You do need to have a serious discussion with him about his family and setting boundaries but don't automatically write him off because of his family.

Northerly

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #15 on: November 04, 2014, 12:06:22 PM »
There are a lot of stable, loving men in the world. If he hasn't already taken the steps to separate himself (and you) from his family dysfunction, then he is unlikely to do so. Love cannot conquer all, and honoring a commitment made based on feelings can suck away the best parts of your life. If you choose him, you are choosing this dysfunction for yourself.

Chranstronaut

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #16 on: November 04, 2014, 12:44:07 PM »
I think I'm the white sheep financially in my family.  My parents are good people with really poor financial skills.  When I was a kid, we were dirt poor and when I was an adolescent we were house poor with debt.  They still are.

When my boyfriend and I moved in with each other, I had given a large amount of money to my parents to cover bills and traveling for a funeral.  He already knew they were bad with money, and he brought it up with me because this wasn't the first or even second time I'd given them money.  He wanted to know if I would plan to give them more in the future and what would happen with our money when we got married.  It was a tough conversation, and I didn't have any answers at the time.  But it was a critical communication line that we needed to open up and must continue to keep open because they are never going to stop being my parents.

Over time, I have learned to better deal with my parents and how to set my boundaries.  It took some tough lessons for me.  I know my boyfriend hates when I complain about their dumb spending, but he also knows that I just need someone to listen.  The two of us have zero disagreement about our own money, so this is about as tense as anything gets.

I prefer we keep our finances separate while we are unmarried-- partly for this reason, partly because he and I just work well with separate finances because we have different savings goals.  I'm fine with keeping them partially separate in marriage for the same reasons.  We earn nearly identical salaries, so there's little potential resentment.

I'd recommend talking, talking, talking about it.  Make sure that if you stick together you never put him in a position where he feels like he's choosing between you and them.  Let him know how you care about him and want to support him, but also let him know that this is really important to you and if you were married, that the two of you are a unit that need to set boundaries about money and family together and stick to them.  There are many ways to help people and stay involved in their lives, but you have to be honest about how you feel at every point along the way and communicate always.  Good luck.

DollarBill

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #17 on: November 04, 2014, 06:38:53 PM »
If it doesn't feel like a fairy tale then it's time to move on.
I pray that's sarcasm.
It was! When I read stuff like this my sarcasm comes out.
Quote
When I imagine my ideal marriage, I imagine marrying into a family of warm, stable people I admire.

neophyte

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #18 on: November 04, 2014, 07:15:09 PM »
Thank you for starting this topic. I'm really enjoying reading all of the replies, a lot of which are applicable to my relationship.  I wish my boyfriend and I had talked about this stuff so much sooner! 

There's a reason that "for richer or poorer" is in the marriage vows.  Is this a guy you'd be willing to spend the rest of your life poor with?

Yes, but there is also a 'forsaking all others" line.  That could be interpreted as letting parents and siblings fend for themselves if it will cause problems or rifts in the marriage.

I would feel different about being poor together in the following scenarios:

1. We made mistakes and got into debt but we are committed to working on it together and getting ourselves out of this.

2. One or both of us ran into major health issues, or our kids did, but we are supporting each other and doing the best we can.

3. My mother-in-law went on another shopping spree and now she can't pay for her medicine and electric bill. We disagreed about it, but now we are bailing her out. Again. 

I feel like I could cope with scenarios 1 and 2, but 3 is a whole lot harder to put up with.

Cwadda

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #19 on: November 04, 2014, 08:16:11 PM »
Family and family values are two different things. If someone comes from a messed up family then it isn't too much in their control, is it? If someone's father left them as a child and never spoke to them then that's not the fault of the child.

But the actual values of the child can differ dramatically. It's ultimately the values that you share with a partner that are important, because it is you and them that will someday have a family of your own.

When I'm looking to date people I don't look at the family per se, but the values of the individual. Coming from a good/bad family can correlate with desirable/undesirable values but it's never black and white. I'd say coming from a bad family situation can lead to a deep understanding of good family values.

resy

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #20 on: November 04, 2014, 08:40:53 PM »
I married such a person. Family "dysfunctional" in terms of finance and alcohol and believe it or not they are very loving and supportive.
My husband is also "the black sheep" in terms that he lives contrary to his upbringing, the only problem has been his financial education...err lack of...but we are working on that abd we are both growing together.
I would advise you to talk to him about everything you expect for your future/savings/boundaries, etc and see how he reacts. Wait it out a while, see how he handles situations.
It is true you do marry into a family but how much and in what way it impacts yoy depends on yout partner and his attitude and priorities. Makes sure his align with yours.
Btw, there is no such thing as a fully functional/normal family, we all make mistakes, every family had a certain level of dysfunction...

goodlife

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #21 on: November 05, 2014, 02:02:25 AM »
: he apparently comes from a financially irresponsible, emotionally unstable family. It's been mentioned a couple of times that he might end up having to support his divorced parents, who both apparently have issues with alcohol and depression. (He is definitely a black sheep in his family, and is far more like me in terms of financial and general responsibility.)


This basically describes my parents (especially my dad). I recently got married to a great man who comes from a family that sounds just like yours. I am so glad that my husband could look past what my parents are like. You don't choose your parents. You choose everything else in life, but parents are the one thing that you absolutely have no control over. So speaking from the side that your boyfriend is on, I am very glad that my now-husband never judged me based on my family. That's not my fault and I have made so much of my life given from the background that I come from. However, if this is a serious relationship, then you need to speak with your boyfriend about this. He needs to know your concerns and you need to know everything about his parents' situation and how much he wants to support them and how all this will work. I was super honest with my now-husband from the day we met. Even while we were dating I told him that I bought property for my parents to live in, how much I give each of them a month, I told him about every phone call I get from my dad asking for money etc. My parents may be messed up, but I also love them and I won't just kick them to the curb. BUT I also told my husband (and I am very very serious about this) where the boundaries are. Right now I can afford to support my parents in the way that I do and I have asked my husband if he is ok with the amount that I am giving. This is a joint decision. I have also made it very clear that if ever we cannot afford to do that, then I will not do it. Once we have children, our children will come before my parents 100% of the time.

So my advice would be to talk to him, but don't write off a good man based on his family. You are so lucky to have grown up in the family that you have. He has not. But that's just it, it's luck, he didn't choose his parents. You can only judge him on what he has done with his own life since. And personally I think it speaks volumes if someone who was born into such a family has made a lot of his/her own life.

By the time I graduated high school, I have really had "an education". I knew what a dysfunctional marriage looks like, what it feels like to a child. I know what alcohol abuse looks like. I know what financial irresponsibility looks like. I have lived through it first hand and I know that I will never make any of these mistakes. I don't wish that upon anyone, but it certainly has been "an education" and if your husband is the kind of person that you describe, then this "experience" can also be a great strenghth in a relationship. I certainly grew up way too fast, but with that also comes maturity which is what you look for in a partner. The one thing that I am certainly not is immature or irresponsible, not one fibre in my body. So rather than just looking at the downsides, also look at what kind of complementary experience your boyfriend could bring to a (potential) marriage. Life is not all milk and honey and someone with my background is VERY prepared to deal with all kinds of situations. Sure, if I had to put our parents on a blance sheet, my husbands' would be an asset and mine would be a liability. But life is about more than money.
« Last Edit: November 05, 2014, 02:20:46 AM by goodlife »

Apples

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #22 on: November 07, 2014, 07:01:48 AM »
My (new) husband's parents are financially irresponsible; they don't struggle with alcohol, but his mom does have other issues that add to their financial woes.  Fortunately they are only in their late 40's and hold down 2 full time jobs, and I doubt they would seek support before the normal retirement age, so we have 15-20 years.  But while engaged, we had some serious conversations about if/when we would support them, under what circumstances (failing health but never saved money beforehand? bought a new car but now can't afford mortgage? just don't have enough in retirement savings and blaming it all on raising him?).  While dating I saw a bit of their poor financial choices, but while engaged for a year I reallly saw it.  Like they planned a two week vacation for our wedding followed by an east coast trip, then two months before the wedding called about not having enough money for 4 nights in a hotel room for our wedding, let alone the rest of the vacation. His sister also did a version of this, except calling to ask if she could stay with us, me saying no, then booking a week in a hotel and trips to nearby cities-wtf.  Or the rehearsal dinner that was all "sure invite everyone, no we don't need a limited menu" to "can we uninvite the grandparents now? our side doesn't really want to go, so just Apples will have to tell hers, and let's limit the menu".  My husband was used to this but didn't have good examples from growing up to explain it to me; wedding planning sure opened my eyes.  It also laid the groundwork for a lot of these conversations.  Again, we will have middle school children by the time his parents might look for financial help. but we have some basic understandings.

One thing that helped me:  he's not like them at all, and he doesn't tolerate their bullsh*t.  We set aside some savings for the wedding to cover some of the things they said they would do (but he doubted they would), and offered limited sympathy when his mom called with financial woes.  This saves us from getting mad at them without giving into their (mostly his mom's) sob stories and guilt tripping about money.  His mom causes most of the problems, his dad pulls extra shifts to bring in enough money.  Those experiences have greatly helped in talking about future financial support.  Like we might buy them a small house in a retirement community if they're underwater on their current house and need to move for better care.  And put lots of time into signing them up for any and all available programs.  And possibly buy things like a sensible car.  One time purchases.  But he (and I) want to refrain from sending a check every month, which would just get overspent like all the other money coming in.  A lot of it has just been learning to set boundaries, which is hard for both of us.  Your boyfriend has every right to want and expect to support his parents if that feels right to him, but ensure he's not just giving into their expectations because that's easier than setting a few boundaries.  Lots of talking and time will help.

Kenoryn

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #23 on: November 07, 2014, 11:04:10 AM »
I think it is worth meeting the family, at least. One thing I've noticed is that we tend to be much more critical of our own families than we are of others'. My husband is much more bothered by his family's behaviour than I am, and I get along with his family better than he does. So I would bear in mind that your partner sees his family through a lens of many years of baggage and personal bias, and meet them and see for yourself what they're like. 

GizmoTX

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #24 on: November 07, 2014, 12:15:33 PM »
I was deathly afraid my SO would see my family, assume I was like them, & hit the road. Fortunately that didn't happen & we've been happily married 45 years. But when the shoe is on the other foot, you can't just hope for the best. Communication is crucial.

My ILs were frugal & financially savvy, but at my MIL's advanced age, she didn't have enough to completely fund a move out of her house to a senior community. Her children put up the front-end money for its considerable entrance fee, which they will get 90% back when she leaves, which also avoids going thru her estate. Her money pays the monthly dining & housekeeping fees, managed for her by one of the children.

TrMama

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #25 on: November 07, 2014, 01:47:26 PM »
I think it is worth meeting the family, at least. One thing I've noticed is that we tend to be much more critical of our own families than we are of others'. My husband is much more bothered by his family's behaviour than I am, and I get along with his family better than he does. So I would bear in mind that your partner sees his family through a lens of many years of baggage and personal bias, and meet them and see for yourself what they're like.

This has been my experience as well. Since I don't have years of emotional baggage tied to my in-laws, and have zero expectations that they'll do anything differently from how they've operated in the past, I can deal with them in a more detached manner. My DH, on the other hand, continues to think his mom will change. She won't. The best way forward is to work with her current set of physical and emotional problems rather than telling her how to fix all her problems. She and I can discuss things and make small changes. She and DH just argue.

In your shoes, you need to start talking about these things with him. Talk through some, "What would you do in this situation?" scenarios. His answers will tell you a lot. As some of those situations actually occur, pay attention to whether his actions align with his words.

kite

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #26 on: November 13, 2014, 08:47:31 AM »
None of us knows what the future holds.
You have no way of knowing that it won't be you who winds up with depression and or addiction,  it happens to the best kinds of folks, too.
However,  apples don't fall all that far.  At a young age, my DH and I swore up and down that we weren't like our families of origin, that we were unique and apart from all that.  Now that we are firmly middle aged, it cracks me up just how much we each resemble our parents in values and temperament.   Fortunately,  thus far he has dodged the addiction problems that consumed his brother,  father, uncles and cousins.   This is random luck, however.   For so many other intangible things, like what we prioritize and what we worry about, they are very much influenced by our respective upbringings. 

lizzzi

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #27 on: November 13, 2014, 01:24:01 PM »
Kite, I was one of those people from a "messed up family", and I hate that expression about the apple not falling far from the tree. Sometimes the apples fall very, very extremely far from the tree….thank goodness. Don't forget that other old expression: The same circumstances that turn one child into butter turn another into steel.

 We all have free will. We can choose to embrace the positives from our families of origin, and to be aware of but try to avoid the negatives.  Just because Mom was a mean harridan or Dad didn't work steady…and both were hopeless with money in the rare times that they had any…doesn't mean it's a given that their kids will turn out like that. Sure, be cautious and stop, look, and listen to your potential life partner and the family they come from. But as many others have posted, don't ditch someone out of hand just because their family isn't doctors and lawyers, Persian carpets, crystal chandeliers and Ivy League schools. I know very well that I lost some nice marriage prospects because they didn't like the looks of my family Yeah…too bad for them…it was their loss, not mine--I turned out great. Nyahh, nyahh

2ndTimer

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #28 on: November 13, 2014, 05:22:40 PM »
Something else to think about if you are planning children.  He is carrying their genetic material.  You make get an up close and personal look at emotionally unstable if you reproduce with him.  I speak from personal experience here, having watched several relatively sane people in my family wind up with children with the same mental issues that their grand parents and aunts and uncles had even though their parents didn't have these issues.

lizzzi

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #29 on: November 13, 2014, 06:08:52 PM »
Well, there is a genetic component to mental illness, although a lot of other factors can go into it, too. And sometimes it comes out of nowhere. What is mentally ill…what is emotionally unstable…those things are a slippery slope, and the person doesn't always have the problems for life, anyway. Think about an Iraq vet with PTSD, or anyone going through a bereavement process. Sure, you could categorize them as mentally ill, but it's situational and fixable. In terms of inherited mental illness, it would probably be almost impossible to know whether your ancestors were hiding madwomen in the attic--because everybody concealed it and lied about it.

AllChoptUp

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #30 on: December 05, 2014, 07:37:23 AM »
I think the most important factor is how he relates to his family. Can he keep them at arm's length? Will he be able to say no to them? Basically if he marries you, will you and your potential children's well being be his top priority?

If yes to the above questions then good to go. If you're not sure or if you think "maybe not" then think long and hard about commitment.

wepner

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #31 on: December 06, 2014, 02:28:22 AM »
^This person gets it. Why are tons of people assuming that he is dead set on going down with his families sinking ship?

OP have you talked to him about it and had a disagreement, is it just a mark against him that his family sucks and there is nothing he can do to make that ok for you?

sarah8001

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Re: Dating a good man from a "messed up" family
« Reply #32 on: December 06, 2014, 03:24:22 AM »
I think the most important factor is how he relates to his family. Can he keep them at arm's length? Will he be able to say no to them? Basically if he marries you, will you and your potential children's well being be his top priority?

If yes to the above questions then good to go. If you're not sure or if you think "maybe not" then think long and hard about commitment.

I think these are great questions. Another question  I might ask myself as a mental excercise is "If I leave this man because of his family, and I never meet a guy with a perfect family that I like or connect with as much, will I be relieved that I dodged the bullet and didn't have crazy in-laws, or regretful that I never had the awesome relationship I saw potential for?"