Author Topic: Why I need to smoke pot  (Read 5888 times)

stratozyck

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Why I need to smoke pot
« on: March 24, 2017, 07:41:55 PM »
I am writing this to hopefully try to convince the random person that smoking or consuming pot is not some recreational activity that hippies and losers do. I am alone in my extended family and friend circle - and by and large I cannot tell a soul. My wife is actually straightedge and has never smoked or drank alcohol. After knowing me for years, she agrees that it is best if I smoke pot.

I have come to genuinely like a lot of the people that frequent this forum and find it an interesting bunch. I do not think anyone here would judge me for the rest of this - because it does get worse.

Growing up I was always categorized as the "shy kid" or the "quiet one" or "he must be socially anxious." It always irked me, because it came from their mindset of "he must want to talk to us but not know how." In reality, my friendships always had a time limit and I never had a fear of talking to people in the sense of "social anxiety."

What my problem was - and what I eventually overcame with therapy and eventually regular marijuana - was outright paranoia. Call it remnants of a bad childhood or whatever - but the reason I did not form lasting friendships for most of my life was that I eventually believed my friends were out to get me. I believed my teachers were out to get me, strangers, etc. It isn't a crazy "I think that stranger there is up to no good," but instead it is a long, several months long process whereby I can appear normal and friendly but somewhat shy.

A number of people over the years have reached out to me and been pleasantly "surprised" that I was friendly and genuinely tried a relationship - be it teachers, classmates, etc. But the inevitable course of all my relationships was my mind would eventually concoct some scheme that I was sure they were a part of. It wasn't all completely out there - I could take bits and pieces of truth and string them together in a way that made my friends my enemies. Usually I ended up ending friendships by letting them wither due to lack of contact or lack of effort. Sometimes, I did confront people.

That was always a shock to people - the quiet shy kid they assumed was socially anxious had a very energetic accusation side. I have blown up in public before. I have almost gotten the police called on me. In my mind, some of these were justified (and honestly, in some of them there was a nugget of something but I took a mile when given an inch).

There was the time when my apartment complex accidentally overcharged me on something when I was moving out. It was, afterwards, a genuine error where an employee that recently quit didn't do something right on the last week. Something like that. But my mind saw conspiracy at the highest level and I walked into the apartment office - mind you this was a different person with no knowledge of who I was - and I walked up the desk and pushed everything off  (there was a lot) and shouted "thats for fucking me over!" I was always controlled to not do any physical assault but I am still amazed the police did not get called and I did not get arrested. It may have helped that was the last day I was in that state for a long time and maybe they figured it wasn't worth it.

I have mostly blotted out those memories. But - and this is why I post this here - it gets worse. By the time I was in my early 20s I could understand why someone would want to kill strangers. Again - I did not plan on anything and don't believe I was on the path to doing anything like that - but I am saying I can understand how the human mind can trick you into a flight or fight reaction against complete strangers. I had a semi messed up childhood and I had a hidden resentment against those that had a fairly normal upbringing.

Years later when I was teaching a college class, an older student who had lost his wife in a car wreck years early confessed to me that he once thought about killing strangers. We had spoken a few times around while walking around campus about grief and insanity (I had lost a brother and a mother young and blamed someone for his death) but I had not told him near as much. I think the experience helped me connect with him (who I never saw again after that class and I hope is better...).

I won't go into this much - but I particularly mistrusted women and mothers. I never knew mine and the women in my early life were all disappointments to say the least. I hated how women got cast as the "nice and caring gender" when my experience convinced me they were just as crappy about men but at least men were honest about it.

I strongly disliked any guy I men that was a momma's boy. I don't mean guys that had mothers. I had a friend for a few years in high school that called his mother if we left Starbucks and went to the movie to tell her we were going to see a movie. After a few times of that I told him he wouldn't amount to much if he didn't cut the umbilical chord and we haven't talked since.

I smoked pot on and off from age 14 onwards. I can always point back to periods of my teen years when I had regular access to it and say that these were the best years of my teens. I formed friendships - not with the people I smoked pot with - but at school with others that had no idea. It was always sporadic and after several months of a drought (either due to finances or supply) things would sink back.

Later on I would begin to self medicate with alcohol. It did the job in the sense that people liked me more and I liked people more when I was on it. I could also unwind and night and turn my anxious and paranoid mind off. It did some serious damage to my life and I always knew that when I got the chance, I would grow it or get some regular supply when I could afford it.

I met my wife around the time I started turning the ship. I had it more and more and we were friends for 7 years before we dated. But, our friendship ended at least 2-3 times in large part due to periods where I stopped smoking and tried to be sober. I had tried every antidepressant on the market by age 25 and they do not work long term at best and at worse the wrong one can really mess with your mind. Counseling worked better but in the end, it was getting a good job and being able to afford pot regularly that changed my life for the better.

Within a year of having it regularly, I got married and had a daughter. My wife believes strongly that everyone is better off if I have it. I don't worry about running out in the sense of "withdrawal" but I worry about sliding into crazy.

If you don't smoke it recreationally it doesn't not affect you like it would a "stoner" that sits around and plays video games or listens to music. I tend to smoke more medical grade (that I grow myself now) that turns the knobs down on my mind so to speak. I don't even really like smoking it or the fact that I do it. I let my supply run out intentionally a while ago because I felt normal and did not like doing illegal things. The result? A few weeks into it I came home from work and I told my wife of a plot between my boss and another friend in another department against me to oust me from my job.

Despite my wife telling me it was in my head - I suppressed my desire to accuse her of being part of the plot to take me down in general - I eventually settled on a way to find out if it were true without sounding crazy. The next day I casually talked to my manager and asked him if he had met with the friend, and asked him if he had told the friend to say anything. In hindsight, it was a little crazy.

I've always been able to do well because of a strong ability to learn and apply knowledge. With the help of pot, I am able to turn the dial down on the garbage that builds up in my brain. It makes my family more stable and happy, and those around me much happier. I genuinely worry someday I won't be able to have it and how that would affect my career and relationships. It is a disgrace that it is illegal and I have to lead a double life to handle this.

« Last Edit: March 24, 2017, 07:46:25 PM by stratozyck »

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #1 on: March 24, 2017, 11:05:58 PM »
Interesting post.

I have no interest in using pot, but I think it should be legal.

Is there some other medication that you could take that would work as well as marijuana?

Mezzie

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2017, 03:10:15 AM »
I have a few friends who self-medicate with marijuana for similar reasons with great success.

I'd like to try CBD oil for my joint pain now that it's legal in my state. I'm not quite sure how to find it yet, though. If it works, I could possibly stop taking my current medication which is pretty hard on my liver.

Freedomin5

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2017, 04:34:51 AM »
I wonder if your body adjusts to it such that you need larger and larger doses to get the same effect.

Villanelle

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #4 on: March 25, 2017, 04:54:13 AM »
I'm glad you found something that works for you. 

In similar shoes, I think I'd be aggressively pursuing therapy. That's not because I think pot is evil or dangerous.  I consider it generally value neutral, and I believe it should be legal. I just don't like the idea of being dependent on anything other than my mind for my stability and happiness.  Medication (whether that's pills or pot or whatever) would be something I used an an interim measure, but I'd be working toward moving away from dependence if at all possible. 

YMMV.

human

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #5 on: March 25, 2017, 05:02:44 AM »
Why anyone would care if anyone else smokes pot is beyond me. In my mind as long as one isn't driving stoned or is not in a profession that requires one to be sober then who cares.

I hope you don't drive stoned because one day someone could be walking around in a fugue state blaming you for the death of a loved one. That would be sad and ironic. If you do drive stoned you may want to watch the pledge.

No one should need such a drawn out justification for drugs. I've never done counselling but you may want to take it up again to get this disorder diagnosed, that should be your focus. The pot is incidental and frankly should be the least of your concerns.

BlueHouse

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #6 on: March 25, 2017, 05:07:36 AM »
Congratulations on managing your paranoia. I think you'll find more people are more accepting of pot usage than you'll think, but that fewer are as accepting of any type of mental illness.
im a former tobacco addict, so when I try pot again (after federal service is over) I will stick to consumables. Pretty sure for me that the act of smoking anything is an addiction too powerful to overcome.
Any thoughts on whether smoking or eating provides the same benefits or if smoking somehow enhances the experience?.

Hotstreak

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #7 on: March 25, 2017, 08:12:47 AM »
I have a few friends who self-medicate with marijuana for similar reasons with great success.

I'd like to try CBD oil for my joint pain now that it's legal in my state. I'm not quite sure how to find it yet, though. If it works, I could possibly stop taking my current medication which is pretty hard on my liver.


You can by it on Amazon.com and other websites - pure CBD oils are available OTC anywhere in the USA (currently).

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #8 on: March 25, 2017, 09:17:42 AM »
Hi, I am all for the responsible use of marijuana both recreationally and medically, but while you are using it to manage your symptoms, I think it is also a good idea to continue with other options such as therapy, counselling etc. to try to eliminate the root cause of the problem, as pot doesn't seem to be taking care of that. Weed may work quicker and more effectively in the short term, which makes it more attractive to you, but if you can find another solution that is more in-depth, even if it takes longer to see results, it's very much worth doing. I wish you the best of luck!

limeandpepper

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #9 on: March 25, 2017, 10:45:14 AM »
im a former tobacco addict, so when I try pot again (after federal service is over) I will stick to consumables. Pretty sure for me that the act of smoking anything is an addiction too powerful to overcome.
Any thoughts on whether smoking or eating provides the same benefits or if smoking somehow enhances the experience?.

You feel the effects much quicker when you smoke it (within minutes). If you eat it, it takes a while (can be something like an hour). This is also why people tend to pace themselves better when smoking it, and the chances of overdosing is higher if you eat it. If you are prone to addiction, though, tread with caution either way.

boy_bye

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #10 on: March 25, 2017, 02:56:03 PM »
im a former tobacco addict, so when I try pot again (after federal service is over) I will stick to consumables. Pretty sure for me that the act of smoking anything is an addiction too powerful to overcome.
Any thoughts on whether smoking or eating provides the same benefits or if smoking somehow enhances the experience?.

You feel the effects much quicker when you smoke it (within minutes). If you eat it, it takes a while (can be something like an hour). This is also why people tend to pace themselves better when smoking it, and the chances of overdosing is higher if you eat it. If you are prone to addiction, though, tread with caution either way.

Exact experience I have had. I would also add that when I eat it, I experience more sensation in my body, and when I smoke, it's more in my mind. I like smoking better, if I'm wanting to get high. If I'm in pain then I like eating just a little CBD candy, or taking a puff from a CBD vape pen.

joonifloofeefloo

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #11 on: March 25, 2017, 03:32:41 PM »
I'm all for you (OP) using whatever works.

I had a very quirky brain, with tricky effects, and friends encouraged me to use pot. I did, and it simply triggered psychosis in me. They said I just needed to consume more. After five rounds with the same outcome each time, I chose not to :)      I understand there are different strains, and different options for consuming, which may result in a different experience, but I was done with the advice. I appreciate that folks are warning about this potential effect.

I believe that all substances -foods, pharmaceuticals, nonlegal drugs, etc- affect different people differently. I know that pot does trigger terrible symptoms in some of us, and vastly eases life for others. No matter what path I chose, I would ensure having a buddy around for the first few doses/changes.

+1 to the recommendations for a wider range of therapies, too. I think I've had them all, lol, and they worked!!!

Love that you shared your experience here. This kind of story is very important.

Kris

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #12 on: March 25, 2017, 03:38:19 PM »
I'm all for you (OP) using whatever works.

I had a very quirky brain, with tricky effects, and friends encouraged me to use pot. I did, and it simply triggered psychosis in me. They said I just needed to consume more. After five rounds with the same outcome each time, I chose not to :)      I understand there are different strains, and different options for consuming, which may result in a different experience, but I was done with the advice. I appreciate that folks are warning about this potential effect.

I believe that all substances -foods, pharmaceuticals, nonlegal drugs, etc- affect different people differently. I know that pot does trigger terrible symptoms in some of us, and vastly eases life for others. No matter what path I chose, I would ensure having a buddy around for the first few doses/changes.

+1 to the recommendations for a wider range of therapies, too. I think I've had them all, lol, and they worked!!!

Love that you shared your experience here. This kind of story is very important.

I knew a guy in college who was very smart, and seemingly laid back, but smoking pot turned him into an incredibly anxious, paranoid, miserable person. He would literally not be able to stand having someone in the room within six feet of him. It was amazing. At the time, I mostly found it funny, being young, but now looking back I am fairly amazed at the consequences of him smoking a little weed were. I hope he learned quickly to just stop doing it (problem was his roommate and most of his friends were big stoners, so I imagine the peer pressure was fairly strong).

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #13 on: March 25, 2017, 03:47:12 PM »
P.s. For situations like the most recent, where you thought A Thing and your wife was assuring you it was a brain trick, and you weren't sure what to believe...

My technique was to write a letter to myself while in my optimal state. In that case it might say something like:

"Dear Stratozyck, Right now you are worrying that some people are against you. You're not sure what to think and who to believe. Please know you can trust your wife. If she says everything is okay, it is. Ask her what to do next. Love, your most trusted Stratozyck."

Best if it's in your own handwriting. Keep it in a container specific to you, the sight of which alone will trigger your subconcious to trust it. Show your wife where it is, so she can show it to you if needed.

Or, you could just print the opening post for a time your brain is forgetting its tricks :)

In your letter, you might also instruct yourself to do specific actions (eat protein, eat fat, sleep, run in nature, smoke a joint, whatever you know alleviates symptoms). Like you, I've had phenomenal results from physical inputs, though in my case I required a longterm physical rehabilitation before quick aids became effective.

joonifloofeefloo

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #14 on: March 25, 2017, 03:56:28 PM »
...I am fairly amazed at the consequences of him smoking a little weed were. I hope he learned quickly to just stop doing it (problem was his roommate and most of his friends were big stoners, so I imagine the peer pressure was fairly strong).

Yeah, that... The buddy urging me most was high almost 24/7, and I think wanted a companion in that. I had ingested bizarrely tiny amounts, too -obviously very sensitive to it. There's a real risk for some of us. Again, that's not specific to pot, though. Some people double-over with pain upon eating gluten while most don't, some people become rageful with alcohol while most don't, some people slip into comas with too much sugar. Everyone is different; we need to respect our own body, whatever it tells us.

gooki

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #15 on: March 27, 2017, 04:56:03 AM »
To the OP, congratulations on getting to a state where you are maintaing a healthy relationship and starting a family.

Classical_Liberal

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #16 on: March 27, 2017, 08:24:56 AM »
Super interesting OP, I have no new advice to give, but posting to follow.

patchyfacialhair

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #17 on: March 27, 2017, 01:35:36 PM »
Glad it seems to work out for you. It's been about 10 years since I smoked, and while it was fun during, it turned me into an unmotivated hungry mess. Basically every stereotype.

Stopped using the stuff, and now, despite living in a recreationally legal state, don't partake at all, even for random fun.

Don't rule out therapy as others have mentioned.

Cwadda

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #18 on: March 27, 2017, 04:45:40 PM »
Interesting, I'd always been under the impression that common "side effects" of marijuana made people more paranoid. If I recall correctly the literature had pointed out a common link between marijuana use and schizophrenia. I'd have to dig up that paper though. Other literature describes its usefulness for certain illnesses and conditions. I think it is mostly a good thing.

limeandpepper

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #19 on: March 28, 2017, 02:16:42 AM »
Interesting, I'd always been under the impression that common "side effects" of marijuana made people more paranoid.

It affects people differently... I'm not even talking about different strains, but two people can have the exact same thing and it can affect them differently. Like how people drink the same coffee and it keeps some up at night, while others still sleep easily. So while in general one wouldn't recommend marijuana to people with conditions such as anxiety and paranoia due to concerns that it can make things worse, I'm not surprised either that it helps in some cases. I also see people who use weed and can still be productive and do things like work with complicated computer programs afterwards, while others can't do much and can barely text without making simple typos.

golden1

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #20 on: March 28, 2017, 06:43:31 AM »
I am happy that you ahve found something that works, but I would keep exploring other alternatives on the off chance that this becomes unavailable to you.

Quote
I genuinely worry someday I won't be able to have it and how that would affect my career and relationships. It is a disgrace that it is illegal and I have to lead a double life to handle this.

Linea_Norway

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #21 on: March 28, 2017, 06:52:29 AM »
Good for you that you found something that works. Maybe you need it in order to become a normally functioning individual.

I would advise you to talk with your doc to hear whether there are any legal prescriptions that give a similar effect.

If I'm not mistaken, there are some states in the US that legalize medical use of pot as pain relief. Maybe you could get a similar prescription for it and move to such a state? I personally wouldn't like to do illegal things either.

boy_bye

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #22 on: March 28, 2017, 12:06:31 PM »
I am happy that you ahve found something that works, but I would keep exploring other alternatives on the off chance that this becomes unavailable to you.

Quote
I genuinely worry someday I won't be able to have it and how that would affect my career and relationships. It is a disgrace that it is illegal and I have to lead a double life to handle this.

Or move to the one of the states where it is legal?

iris lily

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #23 on: March 28, 2017, 02:09:06 PM »
A group of senior citizens Republicans were sitting around the lunches n table today talking about weed. We need to legalize it, the state needs to tax it, and we can all partake of it.

Eric

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #24 on: March 28, 2017, 03:59:55 PM »
P.s. For situations like the most recent, where you thought A Thing and your wife was assuring you it was a brain trick, and you weren't sure what to believe...

My technique was to write a letter to myself while in my optimal state. In that case it might say something like:

"Dear Stratozyck, Right now you are worrying that some people are against you. You're not sure what to think and who to believe. Please know you can trust your wife. If she says everything is okay, it is. Ask her what to do next. Love, your most trusted Stratozyck."


Or get it tattooed on you, like something from the movie Momento.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0209144/

Classical_Liberal

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #25 on: March 28, 2017, 06:13:25 PM »
Or get it tattooed on you, like something from the movie Momento.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0209144/

I frick'en loved that movie!

Lagom

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #26 on: March 28, 2017, 09:40:54 PM »
P.s. For situations like the most recent, where you thought A Thing and your wife was assuring you it was a brain trick, and you weren't sure what to believe...

My technique was to write a letter to myself while in my optimal state. In that case it might say something like:

"Dear Stratozyck, Right now you are worrying that some people are against you. You're not sure what to think and who to believe. Please know you can trust your wife. If she says everything is okay, it is. Ask her what to do next. Love, your most trusted Stratozyck."


Or get it tattooed on you, like something from the movie Momento.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0209144/

Hmm, I've been trying to decide on my next piece of ink...

Agree in general that (responsible, re: no driving high) self-medication with pot is a-ok in my book, potentially (in some ways) even a very good idea if you trend towards addiction. Much better to be addicted to pot than booze or harder drugs. And personally, if pot solved a problem that could also be solved by, say, anti-psychotics or high dose anti-depressants, I would smoke every day. I also know plenty of super productive potheads (engineers, lawyers, professors, etc.); enough that I'm inclined to believe the lazy stoners are just lazy in general. In conclusion, I would rather smoke than drink myself but am too much of a rule follower to do so until it's legal (in CA so pretty soon!). Of course, expense still comes into play and I imagine a pot habit is probably much more expensive than buying cheap booze, albeit much healthier.

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joonifloofeefloo

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #28 on: March 28, 2017, 11:31:03 PM »
^ Phenomenal article, phenomenal parents!!!! (Both my child and I are dx'd with autism, and had profound changes with physical inputs.) What a courageous step this family has taken to help their Kara and others. Good for them!! I will watch for how I can help (e.g., donations to their legal process).

Eric

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #29 on: March 29, 2017, 05:51:33 PM »
P.s. For situations like the most recent, where you thought A Thing and your wife was assuring you it was a brain trick, and you weren't sure what to believe...

My technique was to write a letter to myself while in my optimal state. In that case it might say something like:

"Dear Stratozyck, Right now you are worrying that some people are against you. You're not sure what to think and who to believe. Please know you can trust your wife. If she says everything is okay, it is. Ask her what to do next. Love, your most trusted Stratozyck."


Or get it tattooed on you, like something from the movie Momento.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0209144/

Hmm, I've been trying to decide on my next piece of ink...

Agree in general that (responsible, re: no driving high) self-medication with pot is a-ok in my book, potentially (in some ways) even a very good idea if you trend towards addiction. Much better to be addicted to pot than booze or harder drugs. And personally, if pot solved a problem that could also be solved by, say, anti-psychotics or high dose anti-depressants, I would smoke every day. I also know plenty of super productive potheads (engineers, lawyers, professors, etc.); enough that I'm inclined to believe the lazy stoners are just lazy in general. In conclusion, I would rather smoke than drink myself but am too much of a rule follower to do so until it's legal (in CA so pretty soon!). Of course, expense still comes into play and I imagine a pot habit is probably much more expensive than buying cheap booze, albeit much healthier.

Good news!  It's already legal to possess a personal amount.  That went into effect the day after Prop 64 passed.  You can even grow your own plants now if you so desire.

http://www.canorml.org/news/what_will_be_legal_and_what_wont_after_Prop_64

I am looking forward to being able to purchase in a retail store though.  I was in Denver last year, and it was phenomenal even if it was a bit expensive.  I'll gladly pay a premium for the selection.
« Last Edit: March 29, 2017, 05:57:40 PM by Eric »

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #30 on: March 30, 2017, 07:34:28 AM »
Agreed.

I am probably one of the most conservative people on this site. Full on legalize it. not even a special tax or regulation either. it's illegality is complete b.s. and illogical.

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Re: Why I need to smoke pot
« Reply #31 on: March 30, 2017, 11:53:28 AM »
I think paranoia can be a symptom of overmethylation. If that's the case for you then you'd need to be careful taking certain vitamins and I vaguely remember reading that there are things that you can take to help with it. Most of the info on the internet is probably about undermethylation though (with autistic kids etc) which is the opposite problem so be careful what you take to not make your symptoms worse. Definitely best to find a doctor who understands this stuff who can advise you. Good luck :)