I am writing this to hopefully try to convince the random person that smoking or consuming pot is not some recreational activity that hippies and losers do. I am alone in my extended family and friend circle - and by and large I cannot tell a soul. My wife is actually straightedge and has never smoked or drank alcohol. After knowing me for years, she agrees that it is best if I smoke pot.
I have come to genuinely like a lot of the people that frequent this forum and find it an interesting bunch. I do not think anyone here would judge me for the rest of this - because it does get worse.
Growing up I was always categorized as the "shy kid" or the "quiet one" or "he must be socially anxious." It always irked me, because it came from their mindset of "he must want to talk to us but not know how." In reality, my friendships always had a time limit and I never had a fear of talking to people in the sense of "social anxiety."
What my problem was - and what I eventually overcame with therapy and eventually regular marijuana - was outright paranoia. Call it remnants of a bad childhood or whatever - but the reason I did not form lasting friendships for most of my life was that I eventually believed my friends were out to get me. I believed my teachers were out to get me, strangers, etc. It isn't a crazy "I think that stranger there is up to no good," but instead it is a long, several months long process whereby I can appear normal and friendly but somewhat shy.
A number of people over the years have reached out to me and been pleasantly "surprised" that I was friendly and genuinely tried a relationship - be it teachers, classmates, etc. But the inevitable course of all my relationships was my mind would eventually concoct some scheme that I was sure they were a part of. It wasn't all completely out there - I could take bits and pieces of truth and string them together in a way that made my friends my enemies. Usually I ended up ending friendships by letting them wither due to lack of contact or lack of effort. Sometimes, I did confront people.
That was always a shock to people - the quiet shy kid they assumed was socially anxious had a very energetic accusation side. I have blown up in public before. I have almost gotten the police called on me. In my mind, some of these were justified (and honestly, in some of them there was a nugget of something but I took a mile when given an inch).
There was the time when my apartment complex accidentally overcharged me on something when I was moving out. It was, afterwards, a genuine error where an employee that recently quit didn't do something right on the last week. Something like that. But my mind saw conspiracy at the highest level and I walked into the apartment office - mind you this was a different person with no knowledge of who I was - and I walked up the desk and pushed everything off (there was a lot) and shouted "thats for fucking me over!" I was always controlled to not do any physical assault but I am still amazed the police did not get called and I did not get arrested. It may have helped that was the last day I was in that state for a long time and maybe they figured it wasn't worth it.
I have mostly blotted out those memories. But - and this is why I post this here - it gets worse. By the time I was in my early 20s I could understand why someone would want to kill strangers. Again - I did not plan on anything and don't believe I was on the path to doing anything like that - but I am saying I can understand how the human mind can trick you into a flight or fight reaction against complete strangers. I had a semi messed up childhood and I had a hidden resentment against those that had a fairly normal upbringing.
Years later when I was teaching a college class, an older student who had lost his wife in a car wreck years early confessed to me that he once thought about killing strangers. We had spoken a few times around while walking around campus about grief and insanity (I had lost a brother and a mother young and blamed someone for his death) but I had not told him near as much. I think the experience helped me connect with him (who I never saw again after that class and I hope is better...).
I won't go into this much - but I particularly mistrusted women and mothers. I never knew mine and the women in my early life were all disappointments to say the least. I hated how women got cast as the "nice and caring gender" when my experience convinced me they were just as crappy about men but at least men were honest about it.
I strongly disliked any guy I men that was a momma's boy. I don't mean guys that had mothers. I had a friend for a few years in high school that called his mother if we left Starbucks and went to the movie to tell her we were going to see a movie. After a few times of that I told him he wouldn't amount to much if he didn't cut the umbilical chord and we haven't talked since.
I smoked pot on and off from age 14 onwards. I can always point back to periods of my teen years when I had regular access to it and say that these were the best years of my teens. I formed friendships - not with the people I smoked pot with - but at school with others that had no idea. It was always sporadic and after several months of a drought (either due to finances or supply) things would sink back.
Later on I would begin to self medicate with alcohol. It did the job in the sense that people liked me more and I liked people more when I was on it. I could also unwind and night and turn my anxious and paranoid mind off. It did some serious damage to my life and I always knew that when I got the chance, I would grow it or get some regular supply when I could afford it.
I met my wife around the time I started turning the ship. I had it more and more and we were friends for 7 years before we dated. But, our friendship ended at least 2-3 times in large part due to periods where I stopped smoking and tried to be sober. I had tried every antidepressant on the market by age 25 and they do not work long term at best and at worse the wrong one can really mess with your mind. Counseling worked better but in the end, it was getting a good job and being able to afford pot regularly that changed my life for the better.
Within a year of having it regularly, I got married and had a daughter. My wife believes strongly that everyone is better off if I have it. I don't worry about running out in the sense of "withdrawal" but I worry about sliding into crazy.
If you don't smoke it recreationally it doesn't not affect you like it would a "stoner" that sits around and plays video games or listens to music. I tend to smoke more medical grade (that I grow myself now) that turns the knobs down on my mind so to speak. I don't even really like smoking it or the fact that I do it. I let my supply run out intentionally a while ago because I felt normal and did not like doing illegal things. The result? A few weeks into it I came home from work and I told my wife of a plot between my boss and another friend in another department against me to oust me from my job.
Despite my wife telling me it was in my head - I suppressed my desire to accuse her of being part of the plot to take me down in general - I eventually settled on a way to find out if it were true without sounding crazy. The next day I casually talked to my manager and asked him if he had met with the friend, and asked him if he had told the friend to say anything. In hindsight, it was a little crazy.
I've always been able to do well because of a strong ability to learn and apply knowledge. With the help of pot, I am able to turn the dial down on the garbage that builds up in my brain. It makes my family more stable and happy, and those around me much happier. I genuinely worry someday I won't be able to have it and how that would affect my career and relationships. It is a disgrace that it is illegal and I have to lead a double life to handle this.