Author Topic: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?  (Read 10575 times)

Zamboni

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Re: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #50 on: July 10, 2017, 08:38:15 PM »
^Yes, that is a double betrayal by the sister. I don't understand family dynamics sometimes.

OP needs to decide how "like family" he feels about Mike. It's a weird situation because it's betrayal by someone who is family (SIL) on something who is "like family."

iris lily

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Re: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #51 on: July 10, 2017, 09:39:55 PM »
     Mike should be told ASAP, and before any more money is spent on her. It's a terrible betrayal. How long has it been since she worked? She is an adult, and should pay her way.  Many on this forum have experienced infidelity,I doubt they would like to know people they trusted were in the know and minded their own business.
     I discussed the pain and deceit of infidelity with a casual acquaintance , and she told me matter-of-factly that she knows her sister's husband is in a long term affair with another woman, and that her sister doesn't know. She won't tell her sister, so in my book it's a double betrayal. She told me that she let her brother in law know that she knew what he was doing, and ,instead of telling him to fess up or she would tell her sister, she accepted his word that he would never hurt her sister. The word of a lying cheat. He can have his cake and eat it too.
   
I think you may be viewing this too heavily through your own lense, a lense colored by the story of your friend's sister.
Remember that the young woman in question hasnt seen Mike in almost a year. Why is Mike continuing to pay toward her upkeep? Only Mike knows that.

« Last Edit: July 11, 2017, 10:47:24 AM by iris lily »

LeRainDrop

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Re: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #52 on: July 10, 2017, 09:46:10 PM »
At the end of the day, you are worrying about the wrong people here you are worried about Mike, and Rob, and Karen when you really need to be worrying about you and your wife. You guys need to protect yourselves and your marriage, not Karen or her boyfriends. She is a threat to the people around her and she is already damaging your own life in tangible ways. Remove the threat as strategically and nicely as possible, but remove it asap.

This, +1000

+2000

Cali Nonya

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Re: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #53 on: July 11, 2017, 10:00:32 AM »
Mr. Anonymous OP:

Any updates for us with curious minds?

monstermonster

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Re: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #54 on: July 11, 2017, 10:44:45 AM »
I hope you and your wife are doing okay and that this soap opera has resolved itself a bit (and that you've gotten yourself out of this co-dependency.)

arebelspy

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Re: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #55 on: September 13, 2017, 12:35:10 AM »
Wild.

What did you decide to do, if anything?

Following, for any potential future updates.
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hoping2retire35

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Re: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #56 on: September 14, 2017, 06:27:21 AM »
bumping because I want to know.

After reading everyone's responses, I think the one that makes the most sense is just confront her. "I know what you did. Mike is our friend, break it off with him, get out of our house, and I don't care about Rob but I never want to meet him."

I know everyone thinks you can't say anything, which I almost agree with except what if Mike proposes to her...then you have to hold a secret for ever. Not good.

iris lily

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Re: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #57 on: September 14, 2017, 09:50:35 AM »
bumping because I want to know.

After reading everyone's responses, I think the one that makes the most sense is just confront her. "I know what you did. Mike is our friend, break it off with him, get out of our house, and I don't care about Rob but I never want to meet him."

I know everyone thinks you can't say anything, which I almost agree with except what if Mike proposes to her...then you have to hold a secret for ever. Not good.

What is the secret he has to hold? Do you mean she was seeing Rob, another guy?

That isnt the OP's secret, it is the crazy girl's secret. It is hers to hide or to tell as she chooses.

"Confronting" her is silly other than to move her out of OP's house, that is the only issue in which he has standing here.

He has no standing in her romantic entanglements. If his friend Mike marries her, it is up to Mike investigate the character of his bride. The circus and the monkeys thing is important in life.

And seriously, dude, Mike knows something is up with this chick, there is no real "secret" to divulge.
« Last Edit: September 14, 2017, 09:52:06 AM by iris lily »

hoping2retire35

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Re: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #58 on: September 14, 2017, 10:10:17 AM »
bumping because I want to know.

After reading everyone's responses, I think the one that makes the most sense is just confront her. "I know what you did. Mike is our friend, break it off with him, get out of our house, and I don't care about Rob but I never want to meet him."

I know everyone thinks you can't say anything, which I almost agree with except what if Mike proposes to her...then you have to hold a secret for ever. Not good.

What is the secret he has to hold? Do you mean she was seeing Rob, another guy?

That isnt the OP's secret, it is the crazy girl's secret. It is hers to hide or to tell as she chooses.

"Confronting" her is silly other than to move her out of OP's house, that is the only issue in which he has standing here.

He has no standing in her romantic entanglements. If his friend Mike marries her, it is up to Mike investigate the character of his bride. The circus and the monkeys thing is important in life.

And seriously, dude, Mike knows something is up with this chick, there is no real "secret" to divulge.

except OP will have awkward family gatherings for the next 60 years.

iris lily

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Re: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #59 on: September 14, 2017, 10:33:28 AM »
bumping because I want to know.

After reading everyone's responses, I think the one that makes the most sense is just confront her. "I know what you did. Mike is our friend, break it off with him, get out of our house, and I don't care about Rob but I never want to meet him."

I know everyone thinks you can't say anything, which I almost agree with except what if Mike proposes to her...then you have to hold a secret for ever. Not good.

What is the secret he has to hold? Do you mean she was seeing Rob, another guy?

That isnt the OP's secret, it is the crazy girl's secret. It is hers to hide or to tell as she chooses.

"Confronting" her is silly other than to move her out of OP's house, that is the only issue in which he has standing here.

He has no standing in her romantic entanglements. If his friend Mike marries her, it is up to Mike investigate the character of his bride. The circus and the monkeys thing is important in life.

And seriously, dude, Mike knows something is up with this chick, there is no real "secret" to divulge.

except OP will have awkward family gatherings for the next 60 years.
Not if the OP takes to heart the simple truth that THIS IS NOT HIS CIRCUS. If he is uncomfortable with the fact, assuming it is fact, that crazy girl had another boyfriend while Mike was supporting her, that is entirely on the OP and his own values.

For all the OP knows, Mike has agreed that crazy girl can bang another guy while they are on a break. It seems that both you and the OP are pretty wound up sbout this cheating broad, yet Mike isnt.

Interesting.

iris lily

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Re: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #60 on: September 14, 2017, 10:38:45 AM »
Karen sounds fun.  I like her.  She seems to be able to live without a job which is a huge Mustachian skill.  I might like to join the circus.  Can I get a refill on this popcorn please?
i missed this comment the first time through this soap opera.

Hilarious! Best post on this thread.

People like Karen do provide a lot of free entertainment to others, adding to her Mustachean credentials. Way to go, Karen!
« Last Edit: September 14, 2017, 10:40:17 AM by iris lily »

hoping2retire35

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Re: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #61 on: September 14, 2017, 11:04:23 AM »
sigh,

So if your friend is in an underpaid, underappreciated job; you work in another department so you 'hear things'. They think that promotion is at the next annual review; you know they are downsizing that department. There is another job open with a shorter commute, slight pay raise, seems like a more stable organization, yet your friend is change averse. Do you say nothing?

Granted, lots of unique situations where you would not. Just the blanket statement of 'say nothing' doesn't fly.

throwaway2703

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Re: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #62 on: October 08, 2017, 04:59:29 PM »
Hey guys, some updates to this madness.

Karen recovered from her surgery reasonably quickly, and was out of our house mid-July.  She left to go live with Mike, who is currently living with his parents (he just graduated school on a career path that leaves his future geography uncertain - no he's not a doctor).

Things were pretty quiet for a while after that.  I know they've been sleeping in separate bedroom (his parents are pretty "old school"), which leaves plenty of opportunity for her to work her mischief.  Weirdly, they are totally broke (I sent her $3 so her checking account wouldn't be overdrawn), and he's been working but she's been instead helping around the house with his parents (they're not old, and don't "need" the help) with no plans for work.

A couple weeks ago, Rob attempted to contact Mandy over Facebook.  Karen had been ignoring him, and he wanted to be sure she was okay.  Mandy responded, saying that she was fine, but did not offer details.  Presumably, Rob still thought Karen had been living with us.

A few days ago, Karen texted Mandy imploring her to block Rob on Facebook, since she said he was coming to the US and might try to contact her (still under the story that Rob is "some crazy stalker guy").  She was very urgent, yet tried to put on an air of being casual.  It was expertly done.  It was weird.  Mandy did not block him.

He contacted Mandy on Friday (via Facebook again).  He was looking for answers.  Apparently he had been planning to visit her in the US (still under the guise of living with us), and she bailed on him 12 hours before his flight was due to take off.  She claimed she had schizophrenia (which is legitimately common in their family) and that he had to cancel the trip because she had to go to a mental hospital (this was of course, pure bullshit) and they couldn't be together anymore.

Mandy didn't want to answer (it's still her sister), so she had me do it.  No way she was going to have this guy waste thousands of dollars on plane tickets too.  Putting on my best "playing God" impression, I contacted him myself, and told him the answers he wanted.  Oddly, the conversation wasn't that awkward.  Naturally, he was crushed, very upset, and told me some pretty scary things.  Apparently, he gave her $7,500 that was going to pay off her car (that didn't happen, Mike has been paying her car note), supported her the whole time she was there, and had just bought a house (350k loan!) for them for when she was allegedly going to move back in April and they were going to get married.  He thought she had broken up with Mike a long time ago.  I felt terrible for him; he seems like a reasonable normal guy who was dumb enough to fall into this.  They had been "together" since 2014.  He thought Mike was "the other guy," but him realizing that he was actually "the other guy" hit him pretty hard.  His conclusion was that she's got some serious mental issues.  I didn't disagree.

He thanked me, and requested that I tell Mike.  Haven't done that yet.  Not sure if I will or how I'd even do it.

Rob walking away is definitely the best outcome all around, even for Karen since she was trying to toss him under the rug anyway.

kayvent

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Re: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #63 on: October 08, 2017, 05:25:34 PM »
I had a pretty crazy situation like that in my younger life. Twice. The only redeeming feature was that they were short endeavours (six months). It is hard. Shy of a seismic change in Karen, there is no good outcome. Mike and Karen will not be happy. Perhaps another (not totally) innocent guy gets ensnared in the trap too.

Guys are often fixers. I am known for being endlessly hopeful. Im sorry to have read the story. Its irredeemable and unfixable. If I was you, Id tell Mike if Mandy was willing to handle the fallout. Not because hell never find out. Just to save Mike some time.

Linda_Norway

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Re: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #64 on: October 09, 2017, 01:41:19 AM »
<...>

... I contacted him myself, and told him the answers he wanted.
<...>

He thanked me, and requested that I tell Mike.  Haven't done that yet.  Not sure if I will or how I'd even do it.

Rob walking away is definitely the best outcome all around, even for Karen since she was trying to toss him under the rug anyway.

The damage has already happened to poor Rob. But at least now he knows why he is being ignored and can continue with his life, trying to find a new partner. It's good that you told him.

Somehow I think it would be good for Mike to know as well, so that also he can continue with his life. As you are his personal friend, you could still consider telling him. But as discussed further above in this thread, he might already have suspicions and not wanting to know the whole story. I guess it depends on whether how you want your relationship with Mike to be in the future.

We can guess that Karen will do more damage to other men in the future and it is not your responsibility to warn every future partner. Just stay away from her financially and don't take her back into your house.

patchyfacialhair

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Re: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #65 on: October 09, 2017, 07:54:20 AM »
That was an interesting story and update.

My 2 cents: if my partner was lying/cheating, I'd love it for someone to tell me and show me proof. Yes, OP was a little sketchy with snooping, but ultimately the truth is the truth, and it'll allow the victims to start living life on their own terms again.

arebelspy

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Re: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #66 on: October 09, 2017, 08:02:38 AM »
Thanks for the update.

If I were in Mike's situation, I'd want someone to tell me.

So therefore if I were in your situation, OP, I'd be telling Mike (under the whole "do unto others" idea).

That's obviously a very difficult situation to bring up, but the sooner the better, no? I mean, surely Rob would have liked to know he was the other guy before giving Karen $7500 to pay off her car. Surely Mike would like to know before continuing to pay the car note of Karen, if he decides this is not a relationship he wants to continue. If he decides it is, at least everything is in the open and they can communicate and stop this sort of thing from happening again.

Regardless of the outcome though, I'd want to know, so thus I'd feel that I ought to tell.
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Cali Nonya

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Re: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #67 on: October 09, 2017, 08:46:00 AM »
I'll put in my opinion that I think a quiet side conversation with Mike (in person, nothing recorded), to make sure he knows what's up would be a good thing.

Yes the SIL is a piece of work.  And I do agree to keep out of her personal life from here on out, but damned I feel sorry for "Mike".

former player

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Re: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #68 on: October 09, 2017, 09:49:49 AM »
I think you need to tell Mike.  I would suggest something along the lines of "since Karen moved in with you we have been contacted by a man in Germany who thought that Karen has been his life partner since 2014, has given her $7,500 to pay off her car and has bought a house for them to live in after they married.  We don't know what Karen has been telling you about her time in Germany but we didn't feel able to keep this news to ourselves".    After that, it's up to Mike.
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Zamboni

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Re: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #69 on: October 09, 2017, 08:04:23 PM »
^This. You don't even have to admit to any of the snooping now.

If Mike is really your friend, tell him.

tyort1

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Re: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #70 on: October 09, 2017, 09:02:35 PM »
^This. You don't even have to admit to any of the snooping now.

If Mike is really your friend, tell him.

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babybug

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Re: Complicated &quot;relationship&quot; situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #71 on: October 09, 2017, 09:05:10 PM »
Ooh la la ... passez les popcornes s'il vous plait...

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LeRainDrop

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Re: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #72 on: October 09, 2017, 10:00:36 PM »
I also would tell Mike, based on the same rationale that arebelspy presented.  Imagine being Mike and finding out not only did Karen betray you, but your good friends knew and didn't really have your back either.

Just Joe

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Re: Complicated "relationship" situation (not mine) what to do?
« Reply #73 on: October 11, 2017, 05:17:34 PM »
Near term, a credit freeze could be a good idea.  Also, if she is on your computer, consider that she may be hacking into your emails or tax documents as well.  I would PW protect financial files, change account PWs, make her use her own non-admin log in user at the OS level to use the computer.  It is pretty easy to set up, doesnt prevent her from use, also prevents you accidentally logging into her account.

I know of an adult woman who did this very same thing many years ago. Lots of the same strategies and lies on her part. It resulted in a marriage and a baby. And it didn't last. Neither did the marriage after that one. And neither will the one that she's currently cultivating. She never left the last beau/husband until the new relationship was begun. She raided the last one's inheritance and he let it happen.

The first out of the country dash left its permanent mark on her kids too as they were left wondering what was going on.

DW and I watched that one from afar with mouths agape. We don't get too close to that one.

Tell Mike about Rob. You don't want SiL and Mike to blindly have children. That would be the true tragedy.
« Last Edit: October 11, 2017, 05:23:32 PM by Just Joe »