Author Topic: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?  (Read 17844 times)

Elaine

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Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« on: December 12, 2013, 11:32:08 AM »
I know there are a lot of introvert/general weirdo types on here- I couldn't seem to find a thread about any introvert prone people who are making an effort or attempt at being more social though. I know for me, it's easier to just be at home by myself than go out- but the result is basically that I have no friends, which does bother me. I find the difference in me and my SO who is also an introvert is that he doesn't care that he has no friends/social life. I feel like even though I'm an introvert, I want to have some social life, maybe not as much your average extrovert, but a social outing once or twice a month would be nice. I find that when I try to make plans, I'm often the one who flakes out- maybe anxiety? Anyone else in this boat? I'm going to try and force myself to go to a gaming thing tonight, flaked on D&D last night, but it's hard to meet people- I kind of just want to fast forward to about 5 years into a friendship when we're all cool and know each other already :) but I guess that doesn't make sense. I just hate that commonplace small talk that seems to begin all human interactions, I want to jump right into a discussion, but that's off putting to other people I think.

Mods feel free to direct me if this type of thread is already somewhere on here, I have limited success with the search function.

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2013, 11:49:37 AM »
I can certainly relate to the feeling that I'd rather just be home by myself. This post comes at a particularly appropriate time, as I have been invited to a birthday dinner tonight and I am struggling with the decision to go or stay home. Most of the time I go out is not for the purpose of catching up with old friends, but so I can check off the imaginary box on the checklist in my head that says I socialized this week. I think it's a sign that I also think of it as forcing myself to go out. I know it's important to have friends, and I do...but I do a real crappy job of maintaining those friendships. I am actually surprised at the number of people who haven't written me off as a complete flake.

Not sure if I have any helpful suggestions, other than I feel your pain.

Elaine

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2013, 12:10:17 PM »
Hoodedfalcon, just reading your response does help. I'm also trying to do one thing out of the house a week, I'm hoping with time it will feel less like work. I'm really trying to keep motivation high to go out tonight. I also have trouble with the friend maintenance thing, calling people, inviting them to things, I'm always shocked when I still get any invite to anything. Bahh, good luck at your birthday dinner thing.

brewer12345

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #3 on: December 12, 2013, 12:24:37 PM »
I have similar struggles.  I usually manage to force myself to go out and do the social stuff, and mostly I am glad I did when I get into it.  But when other aspects of life get overwhelming (work, planning for my impending semi-retirement, etc.), the social stuff tends to die on the vine because it takes a lot of energy.

schimt

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #4 on: December 12, 2013, 01:13:27 PM »
Due to your anxiety about meeting new people and forging new relationships, you and your SO may want to consider meeting people in a nontraditional social environment, where there is that awkward pressure to create great conversation out of thin air.

I am not in the least bit an introvert, but an experience I had, you may be able to look for. I volunteered for 2 years once a week for 2.5 hours with a nonprofit after school program in the town i work. The program was aimed at developing the kids skills both academic and interpersonal. I enjoyed the work and experience very much and at the same time i got to know the 7 or 8 other mentors in a nonsocially awkward or pressured way and we are all still close 5 years later after the program has come to a close.

Consider looking for people in other ways outside of going to a bar or other social meeting place.

Examples: soup kitchens or other volunteer work, clubs that go along with your interests so you already have a common interest with the people you will be around, team sports(might not be your thing), even bowling can be fun and easy to make new friends.

Life’s short, try to find something you enjoy to do, and like minded people with end up around you that you can't help but end up as friends with.

You are far past the first step of admitting your want and looking for help! Good luck and happy holidays =)

StarswirlTheMustached

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #5 on: December 12, 2013, 02:03:32 PM »
I know there are a lot of introvert/general weirdo types on here- I couldn't seem to find a thread about any introvert prone people who are making an effort or attempt at being more social though. I know for me, it's easier to just be at home by myself than go out- but the result is basically that I have no friends, which does bother me. I find the difference in me and my SO who is also an introvert is that he doesn't care that he has no friends/social life. I feel like even though I'm an introvert, I want to have some social life, maybe not as much your average extrovert, but a social outing once or twice a month would be nice. I find that when I try to make plans, I'm often the one who flakes out- maybe anxiety? Anyone else in this boat? I'm going to try and force myself to go to a gaming thing tonight, flaked on D&D last night, but it's hard to meet people- I kind of just want to fast forward to about 5 years into a friendship when we're all cool and know each other already :) but I guess that doesn't make sense. I just hate that commonplace small talk that seems to begin all human interactions, I want to jump right into a discussion, but that's off putting to other people I think.

Mods feel free to direct me if this type of thread is already somewhere on here, I have limited success with the search function.

Oh, that sounds very much like my wife and I. Both introverts, but I'm more okay with it. Right now, we've a few old friends nearby with whom we can trust to drag us out to something at least monthly. Or her, at least. Occasionally I get too hermitish, but that's usually accepted with good grace. When we lived elsewhere, she joined the department softball team and tried to integrate her social life with grad school, since she works constantly anyway. Seemed like it satisfied her.

As for quick bonding, I can totally relate to that wish. I'm okay~ish dealing with old friends, but making them? Never learned. Even in childhood, I think it was the other kids who made friends with me. I never did anything. To form tight bonds quicky, well-- you know how blacksmiths used to weld? They got the two pieces of metal really hot, and pounded the snot out of them until they were one piece of metal. Stress makes good bonds, I guess I'm saying. Do something crazy like a white-water rafting trip down the grand canyon, and your odds for making a friend-for-life go up immensely vs. running a D&D campaign. Take with a grain of salt, because I haven't done it myself. Anything like that I'd want to do with my wife, and we'd be too busy bonding to each-other to hit up any free radicals.

Elaine

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #6 on: December 12, 2013, 02:27:05 PM »

As for quick bonding, I can totally relate to that wish. I'm okay~ish dealing with old friends, but making them? Never learned. Even in childhood, I think it was the other kids who made friends with me. I never did anything. To form tight bonds quicky, well-- you know how blacksmiths used to weld? They got the two pieces of metal really hot, and pounded the snot out of them until they were one piece of metal. Stress makes good bonds, I guess I'm saying. Do something crazy like a white-water rafting trip down the grand canyon, and your odds for making a friend-for-life go up immensely vs. running a D&D campaign. Take with a grain of salt, because I haven't done it myself. Anything like that I'd want to do with my wife, and we'd be too busy bonding to each-other to hit up any free radicals.

Maybe we could just play D&D in a canoe on a placid lake? Haha, I do see what you're saying though-it's funny you said you'd be bonding with your wife instead of others because I do feel like my SO and I just generally like each other and like being around each other much more than most couples. I wonder if that's true of many people with a similar disposition.

JoshuaSpodek

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #7 on: December 12, 2013, 02:51:25 PM »
For most of my life, I could have described myself as introverted and said socializing took too much effort.

Since I put in the effort and learned social skills, I've learned to make socializing fun and some of the best parts of my life.

Now I consider my old view, however prominent and widespread among others, a horribly counterproductive false dichotomy and a root of the problem.

I wrote at length about this perspective in one of my most-read posts -- http://joshuaspodek.com/introversion-opposite-extroversion. Some people have called it life-changing. Others called it ignorant. For me it improves my life immeasurably giving me the best of both and the worst of neither. I've never lost my introversion so I can act that way when I want. I can act extrovertedly too when I want and derive joy I wouldn't have thought I could with the old dichotomous view.

I should mention the effort to develop social skills took years of focused effort and included many disasters, but it was also some of the most rewarding work I've done so it was worth it almost from the beginning. Each disaster, however painful in the moment, became a great learning experience. It was hard, though, and I could see why many would consider it not worth their effort.

EK

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #8 on: December 12, 2013, 02:57:08 PM »
Wow, I practically could have written that first post myself.  My husband and I are both introverts- it bothers me enough that I at least feel like I should make more effort with friendships, but he isn't bothered by it at all.  I generally would rather spend my social energy with my husband than in trying to cultivate new friendships- especially through the energy-sucking beginning period of a friendship where you have to go through all that tedious getting to know you type stuff.

Unfortunately I don't have any insight to offer you as I struggle with the exact same issue.  You're not alone in the boat.  :)

BlueMR2

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #9 on: December 12, 2013, 04:35:58 PM »
Nope!

I went through a phase in college and for awhile after where I worked really hard on friendships.  It was exhausting and ultimately unproductive.  I'm much happier without!

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #10 on: December 12, 2013, 05:11:36 PM »
This is definitely something that I struggle with and I can especially relate to your comment:

Quote
I kind of just want to fast forward to about 5 years into a friendship when we're all cool and know each other already

I haven't been to a non-family social event in at least 7 or 8 years. I feel safer and more comfortable being home alone, but I also wish that I had the option to spend time with friends. I have no idea how to "make a friend" and small talk is not one of my talents. I don't socialize well at family functions either, but I'm family so I'm invited. I tried joining clubs and going to classes and volunteering and all those things people say to do, but at the end of the day I just don't have the skills to talk to people and my awkwardness shows.

I'm also impressed by the number of responses here where people refer to spouses. How do such introverted people manage to date and meet spouses?! I'm not questioning your introvert level. I'm impressed is all.

oldtoyota

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #11 on: December 12, 2013, 05:40:00 PM »
Hm. I am an introvert--meaning I get energy from myself as opposed to others--and don't consider myself a "general weirdo."

Have you read Quiet: The Power of Introverts? I recommend it.

Although I'm an introvert, I'm quite social. I can easily speak in front of 100 people. I also like alone time and lots of it.

I am not struggling though. I went to a party the other night with a mix of extroverts and introverts and had a blast.

Check this out:
"They and others view their tendency toward solitary activity, quiet reflection and reserve as “a second-class personality trait, somewhere between a disappointment and a pathology,” Cain writes. Too often denigrated and frequently overlooked in a society that’s held in thrall to an “Extrovert Ideal — the omnipresent belief that the ideal self is gregarious, alpha and comfortable in the spotlight,” Cain’s introverts are overwhelmed by the social demands thrust upon them. They’re also underwhelmed by the example set by the voluble, socially successful go-getters in their midst who “speak without thinking,” in the words of a Chinese software engineer whom Cain encounters in Cupertino, Calif., the majority Asian-American enclave that she suggests is the introversion capital of the United States. "

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/12/books/review/susan-cains-quiet-argues-for-the-power-of-introverts.html?_r=0


« Last Edit: December 12, 2013, 05:44:01 PM by oldtoyota »

englyn

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #12 on: December 12, 2013, 07:05:31 PM »
I'm hoping with time it will feel less like work.

It does, it does! Talking to people gets way easier with practice and then it doesn't take nearly as much effort. I am even starting to find that going and being sociable is beginning to give me more energy than it takes away - because next time I am supposed to go and do something, I remember the fun more than the energy drain.
If you join a club or sports thing where the purpose of being there isn't actually to be sociable, that's just a nice side effect, you've got something inbuilt to talk about and can thus avoid a bunch of small talk, and you find one day that you have actually known people for ages without so much of the awkward bits.

Caoineag

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #13 on: December 12, 2013, 07:23:13 PM »
Practice, practice, practice.  Extreme introvert here in as much as I don't require people to feel happy with my life (at all). I did, however, decide long ago that the people around me liked to be interacted with and wanted more from me than I was giving them. I will never be at the level of a natural extrovert, simply because I have no interest in being at that level but most people don't believe me when I tell them I am an introvert.

The big thing about connecting with people is learning what they care about and caring about it yourself. People enjoy talking to those who care about the same things as them and who show interest in them and their lives. Maintaining friendships means interacting on a semi-regular basis whether you feel like it or not. Even a small check-in on a regular basis keeps friendships alive and healthy. However, as an introvert, you will never keep a huge group of friends so don't even try, too draining and you will end up neglecting them all. Focus on building a few acquaintances that you can spend time with doing things you both enjoy.

impaire

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #14 on: December 12, 2013, 07:40:13 PM »
As an introvert who likes company, I understand you quite well... i only have three techniques to offer, but they work well for me:
- socialize with a goal: D&D sounds awesome, as would cooking or crafting or playing games together; I have work dates with friends, or go on specific excursions. Some of my favorite socializing is teaching to others;
- make shorter commitments: I'm less likely to flake out on a party if I'm comfortable going and leaving when I'm tapped out. I try to let people know I may not be able to stay very late / for very long, and I can always alter plan if necessary;
- accept that you only have a chance of becoming friends with people who are comfortable having a real discussion straightaway. Perhaps have some uncompromising topics in your pocket that you enjoy (I am fond of "what if" discussions where people can dream out loud-YMMV). Chirping is for birds!

gooki

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #15 on: December 13, 2013, 01:35:40 AM »
Joshua thanks for posting that link to your blog.

It reinforces my opinion how it can be restricting to label ourselves and others.

C. K.

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #16 on: December 13, 2013, 02:25:24 AM »
Practice, practice, practice.  Extreme introvert here in as much as I don't require people to feel happy with my life (at all). I did, however, decide long ago that the people around me liked to be interacted with and wanted more from me than I was giving them. I will never be at the level of a natural extrovert, simply because I have no interest in being at that level but most people don't believe me when I tell them I am an introvert.

The big thing about connecting with people is learning what they care about and caring about it yourself. People enjoy talking to those who care about the same things as them and who show interest in them and their lives. Maintaining friendships means interacting on a semi-regular basis whether you feel like it or not. Even a small check-in on a regular basis keeps friendships alive and healthy. However, as an introvert, you will never keep a huge group of friends so don't even try, too draining and you will end up neglecting them all. Focus on building a few acquaintances that you can spend time with doing things you both enjoy.

Well put.

oldtoyota

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #17 on: December 13, 2013, 04:09:13 AM »
For most of my life, I could have described myself as introverted and said socializing took too much effort.

Since I put in the effort and learned social skills, I've learned to make socializing fun and some of the best parts of my life.

Now I consider my old view, however prominent and widespread among others, a horribly counterproductive false dichotomy and a root of the problem.

I wrote at length about this perspective in one of my most-read posts -- http://joshuaspodek.com/introversion-opposite-extroversion. Some people have called it life-changing. Others called it ignorant. For me it improves my life immeasurably giving me the best of both and the worst of neither. I've never lost my introversion so I can act that way when I want. I can act extrovertedly too when I want and derive joy I wouldn't have thought I could with the old dichotomous view.

I should mention the effort to develop social skills took years of focused effort and included many disasters, but it was also some of the most rewarding work I've done so it was worth it almost from the beginning. Each disaster, however painful in the moment, became a great learning experience. It was hard, though, and I could see why many would consider it not worth their effort.

I can see your point. Its value relies on how we've interpreted the labels in the past.

Both my father and I have "learned" to be extroverts. I have a lot of friends and have no trouble speaking in front of groups. Just the other day, I had to get up in front of more than 100 people with no warning to talk about something I had just been told to talk about (twice in the same day!).

What makes me different from the natural extrovert, I think, is that the extroverted actions make me tired. I then need my "alone time." I think the problem of the extrovert-introvert debate/discussion in the past has been that people think "introverts are useless and shy" and "extroverts like people and succeed."

That dichotomy is definitely wrong.

If you feel awkward (to a previous poster), I reject the notion that that defines the introverted person. You just feel awkward and need to practice going out there, using a therapist if you can't do the work alone.

Also, everyone could help the introvert out in the office by being sure everyone gets a chance to speak. In Quiet: The Power of Introverts, someone from an Asian country expresses frustration that the Americans "talk about nothing" and get ahead while the quiet people with good ideas get nowhere. We can help others by giving them a chance to speak. By giving them a chance to speak, we help them learn it's not as scary as they thought. I started doing this at work by asking, "Has anyone who has NOT spoken want to add something?" This got the person who would not stop talking to be quiet and give others a chance without me having to ask her, in front of others, to be quiet.





NinetyFour

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #18 on: December 13, 2013, 05:08:11 AM »

 "Has anyone who has NOT spoken want to add something?"


As if I needed another confirmation of just how much of an introvert I am, just reading the above question resulting in a small pang of anxiety!  I can imagine being the person who had not yet spoken--after that question is asked, all eyes would be on me!  (I know you meant it as an invitation to the quiet person, but at least this quiet person would be freaking out upon hearing it.)  Wow--powerful stuff!

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #19 on: December 13, 2013, 07:41:19 AM »
Any activity with a group of people on a regular and ongoing basis might help.   My experience is that it takes about two years of regular in-person and/or virtual contact to make a good friend.   

The best thing I have had for making connections was a rotating Sunday brunch. We had a group of six (plus various partners) who took turns hosting brunch every Sunday.  We met at university or through our jobs or through each other.  It was so enjoyable because you have a planned activity and it becomes a ritual and a bonding event.  It has a start and a finish and enough people to create a great conversational atmosphere and no over focus on one:one relationships.  The majority of us were on the introverted side and it worked perfectly.

That was half way across Canada and twenty years ago, but to this day I am still friends with all of them and we enjoy supporting each other.  Three of them have come to visit me and I've been back to visit them.  One lives in my town now and we still get together for brunch.

Once we finish our renovations my goal is to start this up again with a group of a similar size in my current town and keep it up for the rest of my life.  I highly recommend this plan for introverts.

Louisville

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #20 on: December 13, 2013, 07:54:03 AM »
I hesitate to bring this up, becuase mustachians tend to be mostly DIY, self-reliant types. But, have you considered psych therapy/psychiatry? I've dealt with anxiety issues from childhood. I managed to lead a pretty successful (to outside observers) life and I resisted getting professional help until my mid-thirties. I wish I hadn't waited that long. I don't think shirnks are some magic bullet, but if you get a good one the guidance can really help.

Getting past social anxiety for me was alway a 'fake it til you make it' kind of thing. I would go out and pretend to be a confident extrovert, kind of like acting in a loosely scripted play. Eventually I grew into the role and it felt more natural.

JoshuaSpodek

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #21 on: December 13, 2013, 08:48:37 AM »
I'm hoping with time it will feel less like work.

It does, it does! Talking to people gets way easier with practice and then it doesn't take nearly as much effort. I am even starting to find that going and being sociable is beginning to give me more energy than it takes away - because next time I am supposed to go and do something, I remember the fun more than the energy drain.
If you join a club or sports thing where the purpose of being there isn't actually to be sociable, that's just a nice side effect, you've got something inbuilt to talk about and can thus avoid a bunch of small talk, and you find one day that you have actually known people for ages without so much of the awkward bits.

Regarding learning and putting complex skills into practice, I find when you first start learning them if you don't practice you regress and they keep getting harder. Then they have a cusp. After that cusp, you enjoy them and you don't regress because you tend to do them because you enjoy them. For example, before you're conversational in a new language you struggle just to talk. After you're conversational, you just talk without thinking about too much. You pick up new vocabulary in the course of conversation. I made a graph of it and wrote it up more here -- http://joshuaspodek.com/model-motivate-putting-effort.

Social skills are like that in my experience. Once I reached the level of learning how to approach strangers and make mutually enjoyable conversation with them, getting better was all downhill. That part was hard and came after earlier, simpler skills. Before that I would often at parties just stand to the side wondering how everyone knew each other, denying what my eyes clearly saw -- that people were meeting strangers and getting along great -- but I wouldn't accept because I couldn't do it. I still have to work up the nerve to be social in situations where I don't know anyone, but I know once I get started the fun kicks in and then no one would guess I had to learn this stuff. I posted several of the exercises I found most useful for me -- http://joshuaspodek.com/js_blogseries/communication-skills-exercises. I hope people don't mind my linking to my blog, but this stuff is important to me, since I coach people in it, so I've explored it in some depth.

impaire

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #22 on: December 13, 2013, 09:01:18 AM »

I hope people don't mind my linking to my blog, but this stuff is important to me, since I coach people in it, so I've explored it in some depth.

Well, I don't, I found your links relevant and convincing. I still think some of us have more or less natural "talents" for certain things, and that it's OK... but your point about not limiting ourselves by self-labeling, or becoming complacent, is well taken!

Elaine

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #23 on: December 13, 2013, 10:47:04 AM »
Hm. I am an introvert--meaning I get energy from myself as opposed to others--and don't consider myself a "general weirdo."

Have you read Quiet: The Power of Introverts? I recommend it.

Although I'm an introvert, I'm quite social. I can easily speak in front of 100 people. I also like alone time and lots of it.

I am not struggling though. I went to a party the other night with a mix of extroverts and introverts and had a blast.

Check this out:
"They and others view their tendency toward solitary activity, quiet reflection and reserve as “a second-class personality trait, somewhere between a disappointment and a pathology,” Cain writes. Too often denigrated and frequently overlooked in a society that’s held in thrall to an “Extrovert Ideal — the omnipresent belief that the ideal self is gregarious, alpha and comfortable in the spotlight,” Cain’s introverts are overwhelmed by the social demands thrust upon them. They’re also underwhelmed by the example set by the voluble, socially successful go-getters in their midst who “speak without thinking,” in the words of a Chinese software engineer whom Cain encounters in Cupertino, Calif., the majority Asian-American enclave that she suggests is the introversion capital of the United States. "

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/12/books/review/susan-cains-quiet-argues-for-the-power-of-introverts.html?_r=0


I just started reading this after hearing her ted talk. Thanks!

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #24 on: December 13, 2013, 11:31:54 AM »

 "Has anyone who has NOT spoken want to add something?"


As if I needed another confirmation of just how much of an introvert I am, just reading the above question resulting in a small pang of anxiety!  I can imagine being the person who had not yet spoken--after that question is asked, all eyes would be on me!  (I know you meant it as an invitation to the quiet person, but at least this quiet person would be freaking out upon hearing it.)  Wow--powerful stuff!

^ that is so me

oldtoyota

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #25 on: December 13, 2013, 03:49:38 PM »

 "Has anyone who has NOT spoken want to add something?"


As if I needed another confirmation of just how much of an introvert I am, just reading the above question resulting in a small pang of anxiety!  I can imagine being the person who had not yet spoken--after that question is asked, all eyes would be on me!  (I know you meant it as an invitation to the quiet person, but at least this quiet person would be freaking out upon hearing it.)  Wow--powerful stuff!

^ that is so me

Wow. I am a "quiet person" and never thought of that. I first used it in a 30-person meeting so it was not as obvious as to who had/had not spoken (trust me, people were not paying that kind of attention, unfortunately!).

In smaller meetings, I can see how my question could come off as scary or confrontational. I would not do it in a meeting of three people...It could also be rephrased to ask if anyone has last words, but I used it in a way to get a certain person to pipe down because she was dominating the meeting.

jenstill

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #26 on: December 13, 2013, 03:54:34 PM »
Quote
ask if anyone has last words

Your meetings are so threatening!

Albert

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #27 on: December 13, 2013, 04:45:50 PM »
Is having difficulty of forming new friendships and finding too many friends tiresome really the same kettle of fish as being uncomfortable speaking in front of the audience? I have trouble with the former, but not the latter. I'm much more likely to be the guy who dominates the discussion than the "quite mouse" sitting in the corner and saying nothing...

lcg377

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #28 on: December 13, 2013, 05:12:36 PM »
I've had a lot of success meeting people through volunteer work.  You already know you like the same place/cause/animal, and I find that volunteer-types tend to be intense people so they aren't put off by jumping into heavier conversations. lol

I am bad at making new friends, and really have to push myself to do it.  I once asked a coworker if she wanted to meet up for coffee sometime on a weekend, and I was more nervous doing that than I was when I met and started dating my husband!

Also, I once knew someone who had crazy social anxiety in general settings, but she was a bartender part-time.  The bartender role gave her a facade kind of, so she felt okay talking to strangers then.  Maybe there is a "role" you can project for yourself that will help with anxiety. 

brewer12345

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #29 on: December 13, 2013, 10:49:19 PM »
Is having difficulty of forming new friendships and finding too many friends tiresome really the same kettle of fish as being uncomfortable speaking in front of the audience? I have trouble with the former, but not the latter. I'm much more likely to be the guy who dominates the discussion than the "quite mouse" sitting in the corner and saying nothing...

Ditto.  I am a good public speaker, but otherwise very much an introvert.  I think public speaking is a learned skill, while introversion is an innate trait.

I realized today that what recharges me the most now at 40 is the same thing as when I was a kid: all day in the woods by myself.  I was freezing my ass off in the woods this morning (11F with a stiff wind), but it was still a way to regain my equilibrium and be me.

shamelessHedon

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #30 on: December 14, 2013, 03:57:05 AM »
I seem socially proficient.  I'm often loud and the close to the spotlight. I have no issue with public speaking or performance.  I'm extremely open and funny, sometimes inappropriately so.

However I suck at friend acquisition and maintenance.  Spouse and I are best friends.

I wish I was okay with that. I'm trying to be.  I'm working on having gentler expectations of.myself in many areas.  This is one.

C. K.

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #31 on: December 14, 2013, 04:27:14 AM »

However I suck at friend acquisition and maintenance.  Spouse and I are best friends.

You became friends with your spouse before you were married. (I assume you didn't force the person to marry you under duress.) You're still married and are best friends. Obviously, you are skilled at friend acquisition and maintenance. There might be some other reason (perhaps subconscious) that causes you not to have more friends beyond the spouse. We introverts love few friends and lots of alone time, usually.

The skills are there, my friend. The skills are there.

shamelessHedon

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #32 on: December 14, 2013, 04:31:08 AM »
I was skilled at booty acquisition!  Haha, and we just didn't tire of it.

Lol, I still giggle about our 16 1/2 year "one night stand" 

C. K.

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #33 on: December 14, 2013, 05:12:41 AM »
I was skilled at booty acquisition! 

Ha! Okay. That might not go over well with platonic friends. :)

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #34 on: December 14, 2013, 10:58:15 AM »
Suggestions from an extrovert:

I have many friends that are introverts. It boggles my mind how many friends I have made that self-identify as "shy", "introverted", and/or "misanthropes"! ;) So here are a few ideas that may or may not help - because I have not been in your shoes, so take them with a grain of salt. However, friend-making is fresh in my mind because I moved to a new small city a year ago and have had to sharpen all the ol' skills. And it sucks. But short-term pain equals long-term gain! :)

- Make plans with people that involve them coming to your house to do something (watch a movie, come over for dinner, come over for D&D or cattan or whatever). I find I am less likely to cancel plans if it takes zero effort from me for them to happen. If I'm invited to a party or an event that is elsewhere, sometimes I skip it and hide in bed with a good book! It would be rude to cancel if someone is planning to come to your house.

- Make plans that involve doing things that you find inherently fun. That way, you're (nearly) guaranteed to have fun, but guess what? There is another person there with you! Cool. For me, this would be concerts or going to the gym. Or shopping. Whatever you're comfortable with. And you can broach it like this: "Hey, I'm going to this. If you're interested in that sort of thing, you should totally join me!"

- Go out for coffee. Cheap, and it can be as long or short as you want it to be.

- Make friends online. I've made friends through the MMM forum (msg me if you'd like to be my latest and greatest!). Find forums online of things you're interested in, participate, and presto: make some like-minded friends. Who cares if they don't live where you are? Perhaps they will become the reason for some epic travelling!

- Let extroverts do the work. As I mentioned, many of my friends are introverts. I would say that 10% of my friends are the type that will call me when they want to talk to me. The other 90% would really really want to talk to me but not want to interrupt my day or inconvenience me or foist themselves on me. Which is overly considerate but still very sweet. Knowing this about them, I do a lot of the phoning. So, if you can find an extrovert, perhaps they can do the legwork for ya :)

- Join things. Pottery making. Sports teams. Things with regular meetings. Join them without your SO. The hardest thing for me about making new friends is that I would rather hang out with my SO than a new person EVERY TIME. I force myself to branch out. You can too!! :) Or bring your SO as a comfort and make couple friends together.

- Keep trying. I go through phases where I am sick of trying to make new friends and I just need to take a break. So take a break, but don't give up. It's quality not quantity, and if you never quit trying you're bound to have some new close pals eventually!

- Be patient. It takes time. Be brave. It takes guts. Be confident - you can do this!

- Check out meetups.com. It does for friend-making what online dating does for SO-making. See if there are any cool events happening in your area! I've had mixed success with meetups, but it's great to have the option.

Ok, sorry this was so long! But I sure hope it helped. MSG me if you have any questions or anything, really.

lifejoy

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #36 on: December 14, 2013, 11:45:38 AM »
I am an introvert but I force myself to be social because: 1.)  That's how you build work connections/business relationships.  People are more interested in whether you are good to have a beer with rather than what you can actually do, and 2.) You need to have a social network in case you fall on bad times so you have extra emotional/financial support in case of emergency.  I'm glad the internet became mainstream just as I was becoming an adult because it makes all this social networking stuff a lot easier for someone like me.

Ozstache

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #37 on: December 14, 2013, 03:44:36 PM »
Chalk me up as another with no true friends other than my spouse, but am proficient at being as extroverted as required in the work environment.

In person, I don't really connect very well with men, having little interest in sport and other blokey conversation topics. And unfortunately, I connect so well with some women that I either unintentionally lead them into desiring much more than friendship or at the very least give others, including my spouse, that impression.  This pretty much leaves me in no mans land with friends - I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't!

On a positive front, I love interacting with people (of either gender!) on forums such as this.  Also my recent transition to ER has not worsened the situation and has given me more of the 'me' time I've always wanted anyway.

This thread is one I've been thinking of posting myself, so thanks to the OP for flushing me out! I hope to read more on how others have cracked the friendship nut.

totoro

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #38 on: December 14, 2013, 06:04:20 PM »
And unfortunately, I connect so well with some women that I either unintentionally lead them into desiring much more than friendship or at the very least give others, including my spouse, that impression. 

I had to laugh at this.  My mental image is of helpless you trying to fend off the ladies.  Maybe you should try to master some instantly off-putting demeanours that you can don at will?  Like winky eye... or sidling up extra close and personal... or public burping?  Just trying to be helpful.

Ozstache

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #39 on: December 14, 2013, 10:52:14 PM »
And unfortunately, I connect so well with some women that I either unintentionally lead them into desiring much more than friendship or at the very least give others, including my spouse, that impression. 

I had to laugh at this.  My mental image is of helpless you trying to fend off the ladies.  Maybe you should try to master some instantly off-putting demeanours that you can don at will?  Like winky eye... or sidling up extra close and personal... or public burping?  Just trying to be helpful.

I found it hard to put this into words, and obviously I failed! I am certainly no ladies man and don't want to be. I think it is simply because I talk to more women in person than I do men and that seemed to fuel the rumour mill, especially in the work environment. There is only one that wanted to pursue things further and that was an ex-girlfriend who thought me finding her on facebook was much more than the friendly gesture I intended. I soon put a stop to that, but not before she left a voice mail late Christmas night that my wife and I both listened to telling me she loved and missed me - talk about awkward!
« Last Edit: December 15, 2013, 03:36:32 AM by Ozstache »

shamelessHedon

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #40 on: December 15, 2013, 01:09:52 PM »
Quote

I found it hard to put this into words, and obviously I failed! I am certainly no ladies man and don't want to be. I think it is simply because I talk to more women in person than I do men and that seemed to fuel the rumour mill, especially in the work environment. There is only one that wanted to pursue things further and that was an ex-girlfriend who thought me finding her on facebook was much more than the friendly gesture I intended. I soon put a stop to that, but not before she left a voice mail late Christmas night that my wife and I both listened to telling me she loved and missed me - talk about awkward!

Sounds like the same issue as my spouse and I. His manners and humor and my awkward opennness are mistaken as an invitation. Occasionally it becomes an issue. 

Elaine

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #41 on: December 16, 2013, 09:47:57 AM »
Just thought I'd pop back in here and mention that I'm about halfway through reading "Quiet" and I have to highly recommend it. It's really helping me flush some things out in my mind, it's also well written, witty, and gives a very interesting historical and physiological explanation for the introversion/extroversion in all of us.


galliver

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #42 on: December 16, 2013, 10:57:11 AM »
Hi! Social introvert here. Social because I do tend to get along well with people and enjoy company. Introvert because if I do social things too long or too often or with too many people I don't know, I either fall over exhausted or start biting heads off. So, here's my advice...

-Don't try to be an extrovert. Your preferred form of socializing is probably fewer people, more people you know, and a quieter environment. Coffee or lunch or game night rather than bar or house party or concert. Drinks can still be involved, of course, but you will probably be happier with something more low-key.
-It's ok to be tired. You might feel the next day like you went on a 20 mile hike, uphill both ways, when you just got coffee. Like someone mentioned above, it means you're working your "extroversion muscles." It's a good and normal thing. Embrace it as a sign you did well. [Corollary: if you need to step away from a group event for 10 minutes and take some quiet time, that's ok, too.]
-There are more ways to strengthen connections than always spending time together.  Be a nice person. Bring treats or small gifts for acquaintances and coworkers for birthdays or holidays. Offer to babysit or help out with a lift to the airport. Like stressful experiences, these small kindnesses bring people together.
-This is hard to do on purpose, but try to find an extrovert you can 'leech' from. By way of explanation, my bf is an extrovert. I find that (a) his need to socialize tends to get me out and about, and (b) that socializing when he's around doesn't wear me out half as much; I'll even volunteer to go to crowded, loud events with him (I still have to be a recluse the next day, but I can get through it and enjoy it). Obviously OP and others already have introverted partners, but I also have friends of a similar nature--they are exuberant and make most of the effort in socializing, making it easy for me. And they make encounters with other people easy if they're around.
-Practice small-talk on strangers. Your cashier at the grocery store or a stranger at the bus stop. Compliment their clothes/hair/jewelery, talk about the weather, local or national news, anything. Smile. If its awkward, you'll be out of there in 2 mins anyway, and they probably won't remember you the next time you shop there (or whatever). [Not that you should force conversation, but remain open to it, unlike how I used to be where I felt any interaction besides "Credit....Thank you." was excessive.]
-Practice conversations in your head/with yourself. I know, this is weird. But when I knew I had to have a conversation with a stranger (phone conversations were the worst), I would run through what could possibly be said while doing other things. Helped me feel prepared with phrases/responses. Now I only do this for interviews and such.

I'd also like to second making rituals and inviting people to your house. Just not too many at once. More than 6 tends to be a crowd. :) Although hosting a crowd tends to at least give you something to do/focus on so that you don't feel so pressed to socialize. On the other hand, you don't actually socialize that much.

Elaine

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #43 on: December 16, 2013, 11:11:56 AM »
I think the whole "Trying to be an extrovert" is something I've tried to do in the past, which has ended up being a self-defeating circle. I want social interaction so I'll go to some massive event and then feel totally overwhelmed. Instead I should try to stick with smaller, less overwhelming scenarios to try and meet people. It seems so obvious now, but for some reason I didn't realize I was doing that to myself. Derp.

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #44 on: December 16, 2013, 11:37:25 AM »
quick comment from an extrovert:

A theme I noticed in this thread is that many self-identified introverts say they are "awkward" around other people. Not sure if keeping this in mind would help, and I know it won't make you love interacting with new people or anything, but I'm pretty sure ALMOST EVERYONE feels awkward at least some of the time! I am definitely an extrovert... I love meeting new people and I feel depressed if I spend a whole day alone. But even I am super awkward most of the time, and some settings are worse than others--for me, it's professional stuff where I feel I have no idea how to act or what to talk about. Seriously, at least once a day I have an interaction with a coworker that causes me to physically cringe at my own awkwardness (after they have left the room, of course, although I always worry someone is going to see me making these goofy faces and think I'm even more awkward...)

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is, it might help ease some of the the anxiety/exhaustion/stress of socializing if you remind yourself that even those who appear very good at socializing might be inwardly berating themselves for their awkwardness :)

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #45 on: December 16, 2013, 12:40:48 PM »
In person, I don't really connect very well with men, having little interest in sport and other blokey conversation topics. And unfortunately, I connect so well with some women that I either unintentionally lead them into desiring much more than friendship or at the very least give others, including my spouse, that impression.  This pretty much leaves me in no mans land with friends - I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't!


You described myself to a tee.  Around women I'm generally confident, playful and enthusiastic.  I can't even count the number of times women have mistaken my friendliness for romantic interest (when really it's just me being nice and treating them as a friend).  That approach hasn't worked well for me when interacting with other guys.

I don't really consider myself "shy" so much as someone who suffers from Social Anxiety and can easily "freeze up" when put on the spot.  I've caught myself thinking negative thought patterns, both before and after interacting with others.  "What do I say?"  "Make them laugh!  Try not to be boring!" or "What was I thinking when I said that?"  Self-deprecating thoughts that tend to lead to avoidance behavior.  Avoidance behavior could be anything that offers temporary relief from the stress of socializing.  The more you practice avoidance, the more your brain learns that avoidance is the answer to stress by way of negative feedback.  The negative thoughts lead to awkward/unconfident behavior, or in many cases lead to avoidance, which then leads to more negative thoughts.  The SA cycle, if you will.  So I'm trying to break that cycle.   

Great thread, by the way.

hybrid

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #46 on: December 16, 2013, 01:07:29 PM »
Hmmmm, perhaps being extroverted makes it easier to develop social skils and being introverted gives one less practice, but I don't go along with the notion that having strong social skills makes one extroverted and/or a lack of them makes one introverted.

People that prefer quiet and solitude / small groups can be quite good in social settings (even if it is not their favorite place to be).  That would be my wife.  She typically does not prefer crowds but that's not true all of the time, and she is good around people.  But she has a very small social circle.

People that are socially awkward aren't by definition introverted.  They may very much want to be part of a crowd and yet aren't comfortable there.  Sometimes self-conciousness or a lack of social skills can inhibit an extroverted personality.

Having said all that, I would wager that of the population that is socially awkward many more are introverts because quiet and solitude are a great alternative to being in socially uncomfortable situations.  It feeds on itself.  The extrovert is more motivated to try to develop social skills, as the extrovert craves being in groups.

Anyone have any good numbers on introverts and extroverts in the general population?  I am an extrovert that feels surrounded by introverts, yet I've read introverts on this forum that feel like their situation is the mirror-image.

smalllife

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #47 on: December 16, 2013, 01:10:23 PM »
Anyone have any good numbers on introverts and extroverts in the general population?  I am an extrovert that feels surrounded by introverts, yet I've read introverts on this forum that feel like their situation is the mirror-image.

The numbers I've seen are about 30% introverts.

galliver

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #48 on: December 16, 2013, 01:33:58 PM »
...yet I've read introverts on this forum that feel like their situation is the mirror-image.

It's possible that intro-/extro-verted people tend to be attracted to specific environments/employment. I bet you would find a lot more introverted professors, but very few salesmen/women. Etc. Extroverts would tend to flock to cities, where introverts might tend toward suburbs or small towns.

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Re: Any Introverts Struggling to Be/Want to Be More Social?
« Reply #49 on: December 16, 2013, 01:50:33 PM »
Anyone have any good numbers on introverts and extroverts in the general population?  I am an extrovert that feels surrounded by introverts, yet I've read introverts on this forum that feel like their situation is the mirror-image.

The numbers I've seen are about 30% introverts.

Of which 88% work in IT and/or enjoy strategy board gaming....  ;-)