Author Topic: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?  (Read 4852 times)

Fields of Gold

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If a person always wanted a son but only had a daughter/s (or vice versa: always wanting a daughter but only had sons), is that feeling something that usually goes away over time?

GuitarStv

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As someone who has never really cared one way or the other . . . Why does the sex of your offspring matter to you?  What are you missing/unable to do with a daughter that you could do with a son?

lizzzi

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A healthy baby is the only thing that matters. (Or a healthy child later on.)

RetiredAt63

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And I personally knew families who kept trying to have a child of the opposite sex - 4 and 5 kids before they either succeeded or gave up.

J Boogie

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I have a young son.

Based on the amount of families I've talked to who have like 4 boys or 4 girls, or 4 boys and 1 girl, or vice versa, no.

These families seem to keep trying for that child of the other gender that keeps evading them every pregnancy.

I was happy to have a son. Why? because I figured there was a better chance my child would be interested in the things I'm interested in. (I'm a guy). If I would have had a girl, I'd be taking her to my shop to build stuff too.

Additionally, I was also happy to have a son first so that any future daughters would have an older brother to look out for them and offer some intimidation to any creeps that are less than respectful when she comes of age. Of course I'll raise my hypothetical daughter to be strong and assertive, but even with those qualities situations can arise that really benefit from additional physical strength.



But I think the real question is one of a preconceived notion of one's future life vs reality.

The children that you're able/unable to have is one of those things that ultimately is out of our control, and it's part of the romance of life. It might be too predictable otherwise :)

I disagree with the other posters. It's perfectly fine and valid to have a preference. But when you don't get your preference, with a baby gender as with anything out of your control, you just embrace the life you have and enjoy it and love those around you.

All the best!










partgypsy

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I had two daughters, which I am perfectly happy about (maybe even prefer). My ex, would have preferred to have one of each (I think he was hoping our youngest was a boy). Ironically our youngest, personality wise is more like ex, pretty physical, and he can handle her better than I can. And they rough house, and he is now teaching her drums (which she loves). If there is something you love, share it with your child.

The big secret. Whether it is gender, or personalities, or talents, what kind of kid you have is not under your control. Even if you got a boy, he might be a retiring bookworm who is not interested in the kinds of Dad/son bonding you had in mind. You just love and accept what you get.  Who knows, maybe way down the line you will get a son in law you click with. 
 

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We wanted a daughter.  We had five sons but not because we were trying for a daughter.  Life is just that way, sometimes.

Youngest DS is 25 now and itís probably been 24 years since Iíve thought much about the sex of our children.  So, in our case, it became a non-issue pretty quickly.

We now have granddaughters and are enjoying them immensely.  Maybe weíll have a grandson, maybe not but we are simply thankful for the blessings we have instead of wishing for something else.

They can all bring you joy and all break your heart, sometimes both in rapid succession.

GuitarStv

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I still don't really get it.  I wouldn't treat a girl differently than a boy, so why would the sex of the kid matter?

haflander

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Ok here ya go GS...no one has brought this up yet, so I will.

I'm the only male in the whole extended family with my last name. Only son in my family, no male cousins with the same last name, paternal grandfather had no brothers. No one has ever specifically voiced this to me, but for my whole life I've felt that I need to have a son to extend the family name. Maybe it's just me who's concerned about this and my dad doesn't even care, Idk. FWIW I'm the youngest of three and supposedly they really wanted me to be a boy, or that's why they were trying again, or something along those lines. Mom has a funny story that she cried telling my sisters that I was a boy (waited to find out until bday) and sisters cried too, saying something like "I know Mom, we wanted another girl too."

I've had this convo a few times with the GF, that I really want a son for this reason and may want to try more than the typical 2.5 kids if we didn't have a son by that time. She seems to agree cautiously. Yes, I know life changes and my feelings and time/energy could change things if I already had 2 or 3 girls. I've also wondered if in 10ish years (the time I hypothetically could be desperate for a son), science will have made that choice possible. Or is this already a thing?

Added bonus: twins run in GF's family so that would be super fun regardless of the combo or identical/fraternal.

Other than the family name legacy, I agree with everything J Boogie said.

Cassie

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I really wanted a daughter and have 3 sons.  We had 3 kids because thatís the number we wanted.  While we wished we had a girl we were grateful for 3 healthy kids. They are long grown. I wouldnít keep having kids trying to get a certain sex. 

GuitarStv

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #10 on: December 12, 2018, 10:49:58 AM »
Ok here ya go GS...no one has brought this up yet, so I will.

I'm the only male in the whole extended family with my last name. Only son in my family, no male cousins with the same last name, paternal grandfather had no brothers. No one has ever specifically voiced this to me, but for my whole life I've felt that I need to have a son to extend the family name. Maybe it's just me who's concerned about this and my dad doesn't even care, Idk. FWIW I'm the youngest of three and supposedly they really wanted me to be a boy, or that's why they were trying again, or something along those lines. Mom has a funny story that she cried telling my sisters that I was a boy (waited to find out until bday) and sisters cried too, saying something like "I know Mom, we wanted another girl too."

I've had this convo a few times with the GF, that I really want a son for this reason and may want to try more than the typical 2.5 kids if we didn't have a son by that time. She seems to agree cautiously. Yes, I know life changes and my feelings and time/energy could change things if I already had 2 or 3 girls. I've also wondered if in 10ish years (the time I hypothetically could be desperate for a son), science will have made that choice possible. Or is this already a thing?

Added bonus: twins run in GF's family so that would be super fun regardless of the combo or identical/fraternal.

Other than the family name legacy, I agree with everything J Boogie said.

A woman can keep her family name when marrying . . . so there's no real need to be concerned about that.

Blueberries

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #11 on: December 12, 2018, 10:59:17 AM »
I'm a huge believer in raising boys and girls the same.  But, I also understand that people have ideas about what their family might look like based on their own childhood, stereotypes, insecurities, etc. 

<edit>
I've had this convo a few times with the GF, that I really want a son for this reason and may want to try more than the typical 2.5 kids if we didn't have a son by that time. She seems to agree cautiously. Yes, I know life changes and my feelings and time/energy could change things if I already had 2 or 3 girls. I've also wondered if in 10ish years (the time I hypothetically could be desperate for a son), science will have made that choice possible. Or is this already a thing?

Added bonus: twins run in GF's family so that would be super fun regardless of the combo or identical/fraternal.

Other than the family name legacy, I agree with everything J Boogie said.

Yes.  Gender selection is a thing already.

Cassie

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #12 on: December 12, 2018, 11:01:58 AM »
To get my girl fix I took care of my neighbors 2 girls who was a single mom so she could go to school to obtain training.  Then she was able to get a full time job. 

Margie

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #13 on: December 12, 2018, 11:03:28 AM »
It definitely isn't PC to say you prefer one sex over the other but there probably is some of that among those who would like one of each.  I wanted to have four kids originally but then had my first (a son) and when pregnant with my second (daughter) my husband told me he was "done"  Didn't care if we had two boys or one of each but he couldn't imagine having the four kids we had originally talked about.  I was upset (at the time) because I really REALLY wanted a daughter too.  I prayed for a girl and told my husband I would leave the birth control up to him and I'd have as many kids as I wanted.  He was shocked that I would "trick" him, I just said well if I tell you I am not using birth control and you don't that's not really a trick!  That said, I would never have gotten pregnant without his 100% commitment to it...When our daughter was born I cried like a nut.  I was relieved she was healthy of course BUT I was also relieved that I wouldn't have to deal with trying to convince my husband to have a third.
I can't imagine life without both of them.  The experience is different.  Before I had children I would have argued nature VS nurture  but now I truly can say they come with their own personalities and some stereotypical traits that you will NEVER be able to change.  It is what it is. 
My son is very "boy" and my daughter calmed him.  He also pushed her to try many things that she hesitated about at first (climbing to the top of the tree, etc..)  It was interesting to see.  Now, they are teenagers and I am grateful that she has him a few years ahead of her in school.  Like the previous poster, I have raised her to think for herself and to be aware of but not terrified of boys and likewise I have raised him to be respectful of women.  It helped to be able to say you have a sister don't treat girls anyway you wouldn't want her treated.  So far so good.
All that said, I can't imagine not loving a baby because of their sex.  I think you would 'get over' it pretty quickly! 
It is actually a great time to be a girl - lots of programs geared just for them! 

Capt j-rod

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #14 on: December 12, 2018, 11:09:12 AM »
I too wanted a son in the beginning. I am the last standing male in the family bloodline to carry our family name. The family tried to pressure us into a 3rd child but we won't budge. Two happy, heathy daughters and we are good. I guess Darwin felt that enough was enough and this name needs to end.

haflander

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #15 on: December 12, 2018, 11:14:49 AM »
A woman can keep her family name when marrying . . . so there's no real need to be concerned about that.

I don't want to leave this decision up to a daughter and SIL. Why bank on that?? No thanks. Much rather try for a boy on my own instead of punting the matter 20+ years down the road onto a whole host of unknown factors. Who knows, daughters may not even want kids (like my gay sis, the only under-60 person with the same last name as me). Of course, a son could feel the same and not want kids either. However, I'll get the feeling and satisfaction of having done what I can do, at least.

I would feel weird if my wife kept her name, so I don't think it's fair to expect my hypothetical daughter to keep it either. I guess I'm traditional that way, ridicule me if you must.

Of course, I agree with everyone else that the health of the family and the individual son/daughter is what's most important.

Maybe I'll feel like Capt if it turns out that way.

Cassie

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #16 on: December 12, 2018, 11:19:33 AM »
I know someone that had a third baby because she wanted a girl.  She was very depressed when she had a third boy.  While I wanted a girl I wanted a third child no matter what.

partgypsy

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #17 on: December 12, 2018, 11:20:28 AM »
I'm a huge believer in raising boys and girls the same.  But, I also understand that people have ideas about what their family might look like based on their own childhood, stereotypes, insecurities, etc. 

<edit>
I've had this convo a few times with the GF, that I really want a son for this reason and may want to try more than the typical 2.5 kids if we didn't have a son by that time. She seems to agree cautiously. Yes, I know life changes and my feelings and time/energy could change things if I already had 2 or 3 girls. I've also wondered if in 10ish years (the time I hypothetically could be desperate for a son), science will have made that choice possible. Or is this already a thing?

Added bonus: twins run in GF's family so that would be super fun regardless of the combo or identical/fraternal.

Other than the family name legacy, I agree with everything J Boogie said.

Yes.  Gender selection is a thing already.

it's the male gamete that decides the sex of the child, so if you are disappointed what sex your child is, be disappointed in yourself! Also there are things they can medically do to increase the changes of which gender (that are more or less invasive and expensive). So you (the couple) can do that as well if this is something you feel strongly about versus having multiple kids and wishing.
« Last Edit: December 12, 2018, 11:43:35 AM by partgypsy »

GuitarStv

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #18 on: December 12, 2018, 11:34:20 AM »
A woman can keep her family name when marrying . . . so there's no real need to be concerned about that.

I don't want to leave this decision up to a daughter and SIL. Why bank on that?? No thanks. Much rather try for a boy on my own instead of punting the matter 20+ years down the road onto a whole host of unknown factors. Who knows, daughters may not even want kids (like my gay sis, the only under-60 person with the same last name as me). Of course, a son could feel the same and not want kids either. However, I'll get the feeling and satisfaction of having done what I can do, at least.

I would feel weird if my wife kept her name, so I don't think it's fair to expect my hypothetical daughter to keep it either. I guess I'm traditional that way, ridicule me if you must.

Of course, I agree with everyone else that the health of the family and the individual son/daughter is what's most important.

Maybe I'll feel like Capt if it turns out that way.

You're either leaving the choice up to a son and daughter in law, or a daughter and son in law.  I guess I don't really see the difference.

RetiredAt63

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #19 on: December 12, 2018, 11:41:33 AM »
  Before I had children I would have argued nature VS nurture  but now I truly can say they come with their own personalities and some stereotypical traits that you will NEVER be able to change.  It is what it is. 
My son is very "boy" and my daughter calmed him.  He also pushed her to try many things that she hesitated about at first (climbing to the top of the tree, etc..) 

They sure do come with their own personalities!  All we can do is guide them, we can't really shape them.  Mine did the tree climbing all on her own, shocked her dad when she showed us her new skill.  No brother to push her, this was her own initiative.


haflander

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #20 on: December 12, 2018, 11:44:51 AM »
You're either leaving the choice up to a son and daughter in law, or a daughter and son in law.  I guess I don't really see the difference.

Dude, come on...be fair and logical here, not just devil's advocate. Which do you think is more likely to produce a grandson with your same family name? a DS + DIL OR a DD + SIL? Or do you REALLY think that the odds are fair between those two combos?

partgypsy

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #21 on: December 12, 2018, 11:58:53 AM »
You're either leaving the choice up to a son and daughter in law, or a daughter and son in law.  I guess I don't really see the difference.

Dude, come on...be fair and logical here, not just devil's advocate. Which do you think is more likely to produce a grandson with your same family name? a DS + DIL OR a DD + SIL? Or do you REALLY think that the odds are fair between those two combos?

Ya know, I would agree with you in the past. But I know many people even in current times, who are keeping their maiden names, or doing combo last names for themselves and kids. Who knows what it will be like 20 years from now?

Ironically in my immediate family 2 boys, 2 girls, no one will pass on the family name. But, I kept my maiden name so it is recorded for posterity on various papers I wrote. My lil brother has a son, but -my nephew has his mother's last name (they never married). Nephew is not very emotionally close to his mother (my brother co-raised him the first 10 years, had sole custody the last 10) but that's what's on his birth certificate. It doesn't change who he is (family).

former player

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #22 on: December 12, 2018, 12:03:08 PM »
My mother was the fourth girl and last child of parents who always made it clear that they had wanted a son. They even gave her a boy's name.   It screwed her up mightily.

Please, anyone who cares about these things, stop caring before it screws up the kids you do have.  And believe me, if you care about it they will find out about it.


On the other side of my family there was a unique in the world family name that died out with my grandmother's generation (my father had it as his final given name but didn't pass it on any further).  The genes carry on regardless, and the name will always be there in the historical record.  That seems good enough to me.

Chris22

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #23 on: December 12, 2018, 12:04:19 PM »
As someone who has never really cared one way or the other . . . Why does the sex of your offspring matter to you?  What are you missing/unable to do with a daughter that you could do with a son?

I realize it's almost 2019 and as a result we need to pretend boys and girls are identical, but in reality that's generally (but not always) bullshit.  I have two daughters.  I try to engage the older one (6, younger one 18 mos) in as much stereotypical "guy stuff" as I can, but about 85% of the time she'd rather be off playing with dolls.  She has "boy" toys, toy cars, toy tools, etc, but most of the time she naturally gravitates towards the girly stuff when given the choice.  Even the younger one has a favorite baby doll she clutches and walks around with and pretends to feed etc, and has no interest at all in playing Hot Wheels with me. 

So yeah, is it possible that a boy would also have those exact same interests?  Sure, it's *possible*.  But it's less likely.  We've gone out of our way to encourage our daughters to ignore gender labels in sports, activities, etc, but at the end of the day the things she loves the most are baby dolls, barbies, and cheerleading, all traditional girl stuff.  Just the facts.


All that being said, I thought I wanted one or more sons, but to be honest, I love my girls.  Frankly, as a man, it's a lot of pressure to raise a young man, especially as somewhat of a more traditional guy.  The things I would want to teach him are not necessarily in line with today's expectations, and that would be tough for me to reconcile with him (e.g., I was taught to stand up to a bully physically if necessary, that is not a recipe for success in today's environment).  For a dad raising daughters, it's a different kind of stress, the emphasis is on being there for her, less so on teaching her "how to be a woman" because that's mom stuff.  Also, young boys are insanely hyperactive (I have young nephews and friends' kids) and I don't know that I have the patience to deal with that.  OTOH, I will have the teenage girl years, so...

There's also a special father-daughter (and I guess mother-son?) bond that I get to have with both my girls, that my wife is often jealous of (my oldest and I are closer than she is with my wife).

I'm a red panda

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #24 on: December 12, 2018, 12:11:27 PM »
A healthy baby is the only thing that matters. (Or a healthy child later on.)

When you have an unhealthy one, you love that baby just as much too though...
Yeah, you want a healthy baby, and that makes sense, but man it sucks to be the parent with the baby who wasn't when people say "As long as it's healthy, that's all I care about".


But really "gender disappointment" is a real thing, telling people it shouldn't be is really dismissive. People are entitled to their feelings; though hopefully won't act on them in how they treat their children.

I personally am fine with either sex, because I don't know what I'm getting anyway. You could get a girl who is super interested in "boy things", or you could get a boy who just wants to play with dolls and do youtube makeup tutorials. Their genitals don't determine their interests.  I was a girl who adored dolls, my sister couldn't care less about them.
« Last Edit: December 12, 2018, 12:35:08 PM by I'm a red panda »

GuitarStv

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #25 on: December 12, 2018, 12:28:07 PM »
As someone who has never really cared one way or the other . . . Why does the sex of your offspring matter to you?  What are you missing/unable to do with a daughter that you could do with a son?

I realize it's almost 2019 and as a result we need to pretend boys and girls are identical, but in reality that's generally (but not always) bullshit.  I have two daughters.  I try to engage the older one (6, younger one 18 mos) in as much stereotypical "guy stuff" as I can, but about 85% of the time she'd rather be off playing with dolls.  She has "boy" toys, toy cars, toy tools, etc, but most of the time she naturally gravitates towards the girly stuff when given the choice.  Even the younger one has a favorite baby doll she clutches and walks around with and pretends to feed etc, and has no interest at all in playing Hot Wheels with me. 

So yeah, is it possible that a boy would also have those exact same interests?  Sure, it's *possible*.  But it's less likely.  We've gone out of our way to encourage our daughters to ignore gender labels in sports, activities, etc, but at the end of the day the things she loves the most are baby dolls, barbies, and cheerleading, all traditional girl stuff.  Just the facts.

All that being said, I thought I wanted one or more sons, but to be honest, I love my girls.  Frankly, as a man, it's a lot of pressure to raise a young man, especially as somewhat of a more traditional guy.  The things I would want to teach him are not necessarily in line with today's expectations, and that would be tough for me to reconcile with him (e.g., I was taught to stand up to a bully physically if necessary, that is not a recipe for success in today's environment).  For a dad raising daughters, it's a different kind of stress, the emphasis is on being there for her, less so on teaching her "how to be a woman" because that's mom stuff.  Also, young boys are insanely hyperactive (I have young nephews and friends' kids) and I don't know that I have the patience to deal with that.  OTOH, I will have the teenage girl years, so...

There's also a special father-daughter (and I guess mother-son?) bond that I get to have with both my girls, that my wife is often jealous of (my oldest and I are closer than she is with my wife).

The thing is, that's just the personality of your kid.

I never liked playing with cars and had no interest in heavy machinery when I was a kid . . . to the best of my knowledge I was male as a child.  My sister really liked remote control cars and played with them for hours with my dad.

It's interesting that you feel the need to teach a boy to use violence in response to a bully, but wouldn't do the same for a girl.  Especially when you previously said that you've gone out of your way to avoid gender stereodypes.

iris lily

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #26 on: December 12, 2018, 12:38:36 PM »
I have two sisters in laws, both sisters  to DH. One of them had all boys, 4 (and her husband who travels for business in China is an absolute GOD there! Haha.,but I digress.) the other SIL
had all girls. They joked that they should trade hisbands for some nights.

The one SIL with all boys now has several granddaughters and is having fun with them. Wish
I could say that  the other sIL has grandsons, but the tradition of girls continues in that family! 7 daughters and granddaughters there.

Me, being barren, :). can only talk about boy dogs vs girl dogs. After having two girl dogs as my heart dogs, I was surprised to find the big beefy boy dog to be the sweetest mommyís boy there is. Apparently the boys, bulldogs anyway, are like this.
« Last Edit: December 12, 2018, 12:41:27 PM by iris lily »

partgypsy

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #27 on: December 12, 2018, 01:03:42 PM »
I can respect having "gender disappointment". I mean people often want most what they don't have. But the reality of it is, you never know what you are going to get in a child anyways, including health. I probably did secretly wish for 2 girls, simply because while we had a 3 bedrooms on paper, one of the "bedrooms" was our den, so they could share a room. fast forward, after my oldest hit puberty she was kicking her younger sister to dress, having fights about keeping the room clean. Ended up having separate rooms anyways. "Life is like a box of chocolates"

shenlong55

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #28 on: December 12, 2018, 01:08:01 PM »
As someone who has never really cared one way or the other . . . Why does the sex of your offspring matter to you?  What are you missing/unable to do with a daughter that you could do with a son?

I realize it's almost 2019 and as a result we need to pretend boys and girls are identical, but in reality that's generally (but not always) bullshit.  I have two daughters.  I try to engage the older one (6, younger one 18 mos) in as much stereotypical "guy stuff" as I can, but about 85% of the time she'd rather be off playing with dolls.  She has "boy" toys, toy cars, toy tools, etc, but most of the time she naturally gravitates towards the girly stuff when given the choice.  Even the younger one has a favorite baby doll she clutches and walks around with and pretends to feed etc, and has no interest at all in playing Hot Wheels with me. 

So yeah, is it possible that a boy would also have those exact same interests?  Sure, it's *possible*.  But it's less likely.  We've gone out of our way to encourage our daughters to ignore gender labels in sports, activities, etc, but at the end of the day the things she loves the most are baby dolls, barbies, and cheerleading, all traditional girl stuff.  Just the facts.

All that being said, I thought I wanted one or more sons, but to be honest, I love my girls.  Frankly, as a man, it's a lot of pressure to raise a young man, especially as somewhat of a more traditional guy.  The things I would want to teach him are not necessarily in line with today's expectations, and that would be tough for me to reconcile with him (e.g., I was taught to stand up to a bully physically if necessary, that is not a recipe for success in today's environment).  For a dad raising daughters, it's a different kind of stress, the emphasis is on being there for her, less so on teaching her "how to be a woman" because that's mom stuff.  Also, young boys are insanely hyperactive (I have young nephews and friends' kids) and I don't know that I have the patience to deal with that.  OTOH, I will have the teenage girl years, so...

There's also a special father-daughter (and I guess mother-son?) bond that I get to have with both my girls, that my wife is often jealous of (my oldest and I are closer than she is with my wife).

The thing is, that's just the personality of your kid.

I never liked playing with cars and had no interest in heavy machinery when I was a kid . . . to the best of my knowledge I was male as a child.  My sister really liked remote control cars and played with them for hours with my dad.

It's interesting that you feel the need to teach a boy to use violence in response to a bully, but wouldn't do the same for a girl.  Especially when you previously said that you've gone out of your way to avoid gender stereodypes.

I generally agree that you shouldn't care what the sex of your child is, but I think what your missing is that society also influences your children.  So, until society has fully moved past these gender biases it will continue to be more likely that a son will share interest with a father and a daughter will share interests with a mother.  Same goes for the last name thing.  If you care about perpetuating your name, then in todays society a male child is more likely than a female child to fulfil that desire.  That's not to say that individual children won't be break with those gendered expectations, just that it's less likely.

CNM

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #29 on: December 12, 2018, 01:11:22 PM »
I had a similar reaction when I found out my first was going to be a boy rather than a girl.  It's not necessarily that I wanted a girl, but I expected that I'd have one because my side of the family is all girls - I have sisters, my cousins are all girls, etc.  So when I was pregnant with a boy, my first reaction was of disbelief and "what do I do with a boy?!?!?"  But that feeling was short-lived after he was born and he is, of course, the apple of my eye!  I can't imagine life any other way (even though i pregnant with a girl now!).  So, yes, for me at least the feeling faded away very quickly.

gaja

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #30 on: December 12, 2018, 01:21:02 PM »
For a year or so, I had a son and a daughter. Now I have two daughters. It looks like it will stay this way, but if he/she tells us this has changed again we'll support her/him.

Both kids are great fighters, doll dressers, tree climbers, minecraft builders, dancers, singers, mud diggers, readers, etc. One prefers strong colors, the other prefers pastels. One is introvert, the other is extrovert. The fun part of having kids is getting to know the people they turn out to be, and give them enough support and guidance that they can live good lives as decent human beings. Sex and gender is a really small part of that.

The kids currently have surnames from both of us, but who knows which they will keep or change. As far as I'm concerned, the socalled tradition of a woman taking her husband's name, is a modern influence. The traditional surname system in my country (and of a lot of Scandinavian Americans) is a combination of patronyms/matronyms, and the name of the farm you are living on. My great grandfather changed his last name when he married the sole daughter of a large farm, so I guess my name is kind of matrilinear, although I got it from my father, so maybe not?

FIRE@50

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #31 on: December 12, 2018, 01:21:32 PM »
I can't imagine ever looking at my child and thinking, "I wish you were a different sex."

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #32 on: December 12, 2018, 01:21:53 PM »
As someone who has never really cared one way or the other . . . Why does the sex of your offspring matter to you?  What are you missing/unable to do with a daughter that you could do with a son?

I realize it's almost 2019 and as a result we need to pretend boys and girls are identical, but in reality that's generally (but not always) bullshit.  I have two daughters.  I try to engage the older one (6, younger one 18 mos) in as much stereotypical "guy stuff" as I can, but about 85% of the time she'd rather be off playing with dolls.  She has "boy" toys, toy cars, toy tools, etc, but most of the time she naturally gravitates towards the girly stuff when given the choice.  Even the younger one has a favorite baby doll she clutches and walks around with and pretends to feed etc, and has no interest at all in playing Hot Wheels with me. 

So yeah, is it possible that a boy would also have those exact same interests?  Sure, it's *possible*.  But it's less likely.  We've gone out of our way to encourage our daughters to ignore gender labels in sports, activities, etc, but at the end of the day the things she loves the most are baby dolls, barbies, and cheerleading, all traditional girl stuff.  Just the facts.

All that being said, I thought I wanted one or more sons, but to be honest, I love my girls.  Frankly, as a man, it's a lot of pressure to raise a young man, especially as somewhat of a more traditional guy.  The things I would want to teach him are not necessarily in line with today's expectations, and that would be tough for me to reconcile with him (e.g., I was taught to stand up to a bully physically if necessary, that is not a recipe for success in today's environment).  For a dad raising daughters, it's a different kind of stress, the emphasis is on being there for her, less so on teaching her "how to be a woman" because that's mom stuff.  Also, young boys are insanely hyperactive (I have young nephews and friends' kids) and I don't know that I have the patience to deal with that.  OTOH, I will have the teenage girl years, so...

There's also a special father-daughter (and I guess mother-son?) bond that I get to have with both my girls, that my wife is often jealous of (my oldest and I are closer than she is with my wife).

The thing is, that's just the personality of your kid.

I never liked playing with cars and had no interest in heavy machinery when I was a kid . . . to the best of my knowledge I was male as a child.  My sister really liked remote control cars and played with them for hours with my dad.

Isn't this a site based on math and logic?  The statistics are that a boy is more likely to be into things that are traditionally boy, with or without parents pushing it, and a girl is more likely to be into things that are traditionally girl.  Is it 100% true?  Is it fool proof?  No. But the odds are pretty good.

Quote
It's interesting that you feel the need to teach a boy to use violence in response to a bully, but wouldn't do the same for a girl.  Especially when you previously said that you've gone out of your way to avoid gender stereodypes.

In my experience, boys bully physically and girls bully emotionally.  YMMV. 

GuitarStv

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #33 on: December 12, 2018, 01:30:22 PM »
As someone who has never really cared one way or the other . . . Why does the sex of your offspring matter to you?  What are you missing/unable to do with a daughter that you could do with a son?

I realize it's almost 2019 and as a result we need to pretend boys and girls are identical, but in reality that's generally (but not always) bullshit.  I have two daughters.  I try to engage the older one (6, younger one 18 mos) in as much stereotypical "guy stuff" as I can, but about 85% of the time she'd rather be off playing with dolls.  She has "boy" toys, toy cars, toy tools, etc, but most of the time she naturally gravitates towards the girly stuff when given the choice.  Even the younger one has a favorite baby doll she clutches and walks around with and pretends to feed etc, and has no interest at all in playing Hot Wheels with me. 

So yeah, is it possible that a boy would also have those exact same interests?  Sure, it's *possible*.  But it's less likely.  We've gone out of our way to encourage our daughters to ignore gender labels in sports, activities, etc, but at the end of the day the things she loves the most are baby dolls, barbies, and cheerleading, all traditional girl stuff.  Just the facts.

All that being said, I thought I wanted one or more sons, but to be honest, I love my girls.  Frankly, as a man, it's a lot of pressure to raise a young man, especially as somewhat of a more traditional guy.  The things I would want to teach him are not necessarily in line with today's expectations, and that would be tough for me to reconcile with him (e.g., I was taught to stand up to a bully physically if necessary, that is not a recipe for success in today's environment).  For a dad raising daughters, it's a different kind of stress, the emphasis is on being there for her, less so on teaching her "how to be a woman" because that's mom stuff.  Also, young boys are insanely hyperactive (I have young nephews and friends' kids) and I don't know that I have the patience to deal with that.  OTOH, I will have the teenage girl years, so...

There's also a special father-daughter (and I guess mother-son?) bond that I get to have with both my girls, that my wife is often jealous of (my oldest and I are closer than she is with my wife).

The thing is, that's just the personality of your kid.

I never liked playing with cars and had no interest in heavy machinery when I was a kid . . . to the best of my knowledge I was male as a child.  My sister really liked remote control cars and played with them for hours with my dad.

Isn't this a site based on math and logic?  The statistics are that a boy is more likely to be into things that are traditionally boy, with or without parents pushing it, and a girl is more likely to be into things that are traditionally girl.  Is it 100% true?  Is it fool proof?  No. But the odds are pretty good.

Quote
It's interesting that you feel the need to teach a boy to use violence in response to a bully, but wouldn't do the same for a girl.  Especially when you previously said that you've gone out of your way to avoid gender stereodypes.

In my experience, boys bully physically and girls bully emotionally.  YMMV.

Which stats are you referring to?

jrhampt

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #34 on: December 12, 2018, 01:36:50 PM »
For haflander, there are 3 girls and 2 boys in my sibling group.  4/5 of us kept our names when we got married.  So itís not as uncommon as you might think.

Chris22

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #35 on: December 12, 2018, 01:39:56 PM »
As someone who has never really cared one way or the other . . . Why does the sex of your offspring matter to you?  What are you missing/unable to do with a daughter that you could do with a son?

I realize it's almost 2019 and as a result we need to pretend boys and girls are identical, but in reality that's generally (but not always) bullshit.  I have two daughters.  I try to engage the older one (6, younger one 18 mos) in as much stereotypical "guy stuff" as I can, but about 85% of the time she'd rather be off playing with dolls.  She has "boy" toys, toy cars, toy tools, etc, but most of the time she naturally gravitates towards the girly stuff when given the choice.  Even the younger one has a favorite baby doll she clutches and walks around with and pretends to feed etc, and has no interest at all in playing Hot Wheels with me. 

So yeah, is it possible that a boy would also have those exact same interests?  Sure, it's *possible*.  But it's less likely.  We've gone out of our way to encourage our daughters to ignore gender labels in sports, activities, etc, but at the end of the day the things she loves the most are baby dolls, barbies, and cheerleading, all traditional girl stuff.  Just the facts.

All that being said, I thought I wanted one or more sons, but to be honest, I love my girls.  Frankly, as a man, it's a lot of pressure to raise a young man, especially as somewhat of a more traditional guy.  The things I would want to teach him are not necessarily in line with today's expectations, and that would be tough for me to reconcile with him (e.g., I was taught to stand up to a bully physically if necessary, that is not a recipe for success in today's environment).  For a dad raising daughters, it's a different kind of stress, the emphasis is on being there for her, less so on teaching her "how to be a woman" because that's mom stuff.  Also, young boys are insanely hyperactive (I have young nephews and friends' kids) and I don't know that I have the patience to deal with that.  OTOH, I will have the teenage girl years, so...

There's also a special father-daughter (and I guess mother-son?) bond that I get to have with both my girls, that my wife is often jealous of (my oldest and I are closer than she is with my wife).

The thing is, that's just the personality of your kid.

I never liked playing with cars and had no interest in heavy machinery when I was a kid . . . to the best of my knowledge I was male as a child.  My sister really liked remote control cars and played with them for hours with my dad.

Isn't this a site based on math and logic?  The statistics are that a boy is more likely to be into things that are traditionally boy, with or without parents pushing it, and a girl is more likely to be into things that are traditionally girl.  Is it 100% true?  Is it fool proof?  No. But the odds are pretty good.

Quote
It's interesting that you feel the need to teach a boy to use violence in response to a bully, but wouldn't do the same for a girl.  Especially when you previously said that you've gone out of your way to avoid gender stereodypes.

In my experience, boys bully physically and girls bully emotionally.  YMMV.

Which stats are you referring to?

The ones that say this isn't the norm.

Quote
The thing is, that's just the personality of your kid.

I never liked playing with cars and had no interest in heavy machinery when I was a kid . . . to the best of my knowledge I was male as a child.  My sister really liked remote control cars and played with them for hours with my dad.

Boys tend to gravitate to "boy toys" and girls to "girl toys".  That you were an anomaly doesn't invalidate it. 

I'm a red panda

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #36 on: December 12, 2018, 01:48:17 PM »

Boys tend to gravitate to "boy toys" and girls to "girl toys".  That you were an anomaly doesn't invalidate it.

It's impossible to test this in a vacuum though. People exist within society.  From VERY early boys and girls learn where their interests are supposed to lie. That may or may not be why they gravitate to them.

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #37 on: December 12, 2018, 02:06:26 PM »
Initially I wanted a girl and my husband wanted a boy. They were soft preferences but I think it is normal for some people to have a preference one way or the other.
I’ll admit that there was a very small disappointment in me when we found out that my first pregnancy was male. There was also surprise (more than anything else) as my entire family is female with the exception of my father and uncle, both of whom married in, so to speak.

Then we lost that pregnancy. And the following one. Suddenly caring about boy versus girl or two versus three as we used to “argue” about seemed like a privilege that only normal people got to think about and we were inhabiting some parallel universe.

In the end we have two girls. I’m pleased because I loved having a sister and it is so amazing to look at the two of them play in the bath and remember the thousands of fun-filles baths I took with my sister.  I am grateful above all that we were able to become parents, period.

So I don’t begrudge people their preferences. I think it is human. I’ll say I am kind of jealous though of those kinds of conversations and experiences as I didn’t get to be that carefree about childbearing.

Incidentally, my oldest is soft and sweet and loves to read books and play with dolls. My youngest is my husband’s mini-me and is brutishly strong and fearless and so far loves to play with balls (all of 14 months old so who knows what she will become).

wordnerd

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #38 on: December 12, 2018, 02:08:47 PM »
The family name thing is interesting to me. Maybe it's just because my maiden name is extremely common, but I don't really get the urgency around passing a name down. Descendants will have your genes if not your name.

Additionally, I'm the only girl out the three kids in my family and possibly the only one having kids. Passing down a name seems like a thing you can't control, and I wouldn't lock myself into raising a whole nother child just to have a chance at it. But, I probably do less logical things (like having kids in the first place ;)).

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #39 on: December 12, 2018, 03:04:55 PM »
@Chris22
Bingo!!  you nailed it.  To see proof of stereotypical behaviour all you have to do is spend some time at the park or in a classroom...there is a reason stereotypes exist - some accurate, some not so much.
It makes me nuts when people say women and men are the same.  Seriously?  Are women as smart and capable as men?  Of course.  But to say that the average woman is as physically strong as the average man is BS.  Just not accurate. 
The real issue I have with trying to force kids to act in ways outside of their 'typical' gender is that it may make boys who are very boyish feel that something is wrong with them or girls who are very girlish think they are 'failures' because they actually like pink and make up.  Who cares as long as they are not hurting anyone.  Walk into any elementary school and you will see that the vast majority of kids with 'ants in their pants' are boys.  It just is.
I know people who won't buy their daughters princess dresses - why not if that is what she wants and if the next day she wants to wear a bowl on her head to play astronaut, that's great get her one. Or your son wants to do girly things, let it be.  Most are phases and if not then they will carry on anyway.
 I let my kids play with whatever toys they wanted and how they wanted (I like legos and other toys that encourage imagination) and they did many typically male/female things...but not always and I just let it be. 

GuitarStv

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #40 on: December 12, 2018, 03:34:52 PM »
Pink is a boys colour though.  Or it was until we told everyone that it was a girls colour.

https://www.businessinsider.com/pink-used-to-be-boys-colour-and-blue-girls-heres-why-that-changed-2017-10


An awful lot of stereotypical behaviour from a child comes from how the child is told to behave.  Look at Chris's post where he mentions that he would tell boys to solve problems with violence (under the assumption that that would be appropriate), and girls to do the same with words.  Which kid do you think is more likely to behave in an aggressive manner?

Yes, there exist many physical differences between men and women.  There are measurable differences in the way that the brain develops and in some kinds of thinking (https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/10529134/Girls-really-do-mature-quicker-than-boys-scientists-find.html, https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1878929316301220).  Evidence that boys naturally like trucks and girls like dolls though, doesn't exist to my knowledge.  There is an awful lot of evidence that we have a tendency to push boys and girls into particular roles because of our expectations.
« Last Edit: December 12, 2018, 03:50:14 PM by GuitarStv »

Poundwise

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #41 on: December 12, 2018, 04:03:43 PM »
I'm the only male in the whole extended family with my last name. Only son in my family, no male cousins with the same last name, paternal grandfather had no brothers. No one has ever specifically voiced this to me, but for my whole life I've felt that I need to have a son to extend the family name.

When we started having kids, I suggested to my husband that boys get his last name, and girls get my last name. He was basically cool with it but my mother got really angry!  In the end I went with the flow because I reckoned it would be easier for the kids to feel like a family unit that way.

However, if we as a generation can be supportive of our kids' nontraditional decisions in last names, you may end up seeing your last name live on!  Should you have all daughters, bring it up and see if they are on board.

BTW, I had two boys and then ended up having a girl.  I would have been okay with three boys (and expected all boys, because both sides of the family have more boys), but getting the full set was nice. But yeah, you won't necessarily get the children you hope for even if they are the "right" sex. Some of my husband's and my "best" features have made no appearance at all so far in our kids.  And my daughter seems to be 95% like a small, cute, version of my mother-in-law!  Genetics are funny. 
« Last Edit: December 12, 2018, 04:13:39 PM by Poundwise »

J Boogie

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #42 on: December 12, 2018, 04:13:33 PM »
Pink is a boys colour though.  Or it was until we told everyone that it was a girls colour.

https://www.businessinsider.com/pink-used-to-be-boys-colour-and-blue-girls-heres-why-that-changed-2017-10


An awful lot of stereotypical behaviour from a child comes from how the child is told to behave.  Look at Chris's post where he mentions that he would tell boys to solve problems with violence (under the assumption that that would be appropriate), and girls to do the same with words.  Which kid do you think is more likely to behave in an aggressive manner?

Geez, you're still trying to strawman Chris22 on his comment about standing up to bullies?

First of all, assertiveness is not aggressiveness. Also, he mentioned that it isn't helpful now in today's environment. That's very important to mention.

In the days before children were supervised by adults 24/7/365, there were moments where physical strength would benefit a child.  These days every encounter between children are mediated except online (which is a big part of why kids are glued to their devices, and the bullying that does occur is largely online bullying).

We teach our kids to become independent and solve problems on their own. Part of this involves standing their ground, and standing your ground against the lawless involves physically standing your ground and refusing to show weakness from a perspective of tone and posture. You can't adopt this tone or posture if you're unable to back it up with self defense. There's nothing wrong with this practice, except that now it won't benefit your child because of how insane we have become as parents and teachers that must mediate every conflict our children can get into.

In case you're wondering why women wouldn't be taught to do this, it's because they're on average not as tough and more likely to get hurt badly. Bone density, muscle mass, physical strength and agility, etc.

I get that you find it odd that some of us value traditional gender roles. It's part of our culture and the way we were raised. To me, a genderless or de-gendered culture seems strange and bland. Cultures are different, it's ok.





partgypsy

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #43 on: December 12, 2018, 04:22:17 PM »
Pink is a boys colour though.  Or it was until we told everyone that it was a girls colour.

https://www.businessinsider.com/pink-used-to-be-boys-colour-and-blue-girls-heres-why-that-changed-2017-10


An awful lot of stereotypical behaviour from a child comes from how the child is told to behave.  Look at Chris's post where he mentions that he would tell boys to solve problems with violence (under the assumption that that would be appropriate), and girls to do the same with words.  Which kid do you think is more likely to behave in an aggressive manner?

Yes, there exist many physical differences between men and women.  There are measurable differences in the way that the brain develops and in some kinds of thinking (https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/10529134/Girls-really-do-mature-quicker-than-boys-scientists-find.html, https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1878929316301220).  Evidence that boys naturally like trucks and girls like dolls though, doesn't exist to my knowledge.  There is an awful lot of evidence that we have a tendency to push boys and girls into particular roles because of our expectations.

What's funny, is that my nephew's favorite color was pink (because that was his favorite power ranger). And between that and the fact he was very verbal and not super physical or rough, always had both boy AND girl friends, made me and my brother (his Dad) go, hmm, I wonder what this means. Fast forward many years, yes he is hetero and happily married. However, one of his best friends, who is muscular, has a job in LE, into guns and all things masculine, came out a couple years ago.  You never know.

I was a kindergartener 45 years ago, and remember going over to the boys side of the play room because honestly they had the better toys (blocks and in particular a tool set where you could hammer things together.) I still remember my disappointment being taken by the shoulders and moved over to the girls toys, where I was supposed to play with a sad looking doll house with dolls missing their arms or legs. 
« Last Edit: December 12, 2018, 04:26:06 PM by partgypsy »

RetiredAt63

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #44 on: December 12, 2018, 04:23:25 PM »
I get that you find it odd that some of us value traditional gender roles. It's part of our culture and the way we were raised.

The thing is, gender roles change over time.  So which era (and which country) do you use for your role?

Sailor Sam

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #45 on: December 12, 2018, 04:50:45 PM »
In case you're wondering why women wouldn't be taught to do this, it's because they're on average not as tough and more likely to get hurt badly. Bone density, muscle mass, physical strength and agility, etc.

Society doesn't teach girls to fight because, as an overall zeitgeist, society prefers women more, rather than less, rapeable.

scantee

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #46 on: December 12, 2018, 05:18:39 PM »
Quote
When we started having kids, I suggested to my husband that boys get his last name, and girls get my last name. He was basically cool with it but my mother got really angry!  In the end I went with the flow because I reckoned it would be easier for the kids to feel like a family unit that way.

One of my kids has my last name, the other has my spouseís. They each have the other last name as a middle name. Itís fine. People figure out the deal real quick and Iíve never had anyone say anything judgmental to me about it. Certainly my MIL wanted to, but she knows better than to broach it with me.

People are flexible, things change. Traditions end. We should neither scorn tradition outright nor reflexively resist progress. What most Americans think of traditional (1950ís culture and family) is in truth a very new way of living thatís anamolous with other traditional cultures across time and location, particularly because it shuns multigenerational cohabitation. Our American ďtraditionalĒ way of living is effably modern and inscrutable to a lot of people in this world.

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #47 on: December 12, 2018, 08:09:07 PM »
One of my kids has my last name, the other has my spouseís. They each have the other last name as a middle name.

I salute you.

waltworks

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #48 on: December 12, 2018, 08:45:22 PM »
WTF? Family name? Everyone's genealogy can be tracked back to who-knows-when by the LDS church anyway at this point. Your name means nothing. It meant nothing to begin with.

My kids all have my wife's name. We thought it was a cooler name. Who cares?

If your "feelings" about the gender of your kids don't fade to irrelevance after about a year, there is something wrong with you, they're your kids no matter what gender they are.

-W

Poundwise

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Re: Always wanted a son but only had daughters (and vice versa). Feelings fade?
« Reply #49 on: December 12, 2018, 09:05:03 PM »
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When we started having kids, I suggested to my husband that boys get his last name, and girls get my last name. He was basically cool with it but my mother got really angry!  In the end I went with the flow because I reckoned it would be easier for the kids to feel like a family unit that way.

One of my kids has my last name, the other has my spouseís. They each have the other last name as a middle name. Itís fine. People figure out the deal real quick and Iíve never had anyone say anything judgmental to me about it. Certainly my MIL wanted to, but she knows better than to broach it with me.

That's a smart way to do it... not to link last name to sex at all.  In our case, I could tell my in-laws were not crazy about the idea, my mother hated it outright and loudly, my dad wanted whatever my mom wanted, and my husband thought it was weird but didn't care too much.  In the end I didn't feel I had enough support to go forward, and it wasn't that important to me anyway.  But I guess I should make it clear to my kids that they have my support whether they want to be nontraditional or traditional. 

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People are flexible, things change. Traditions end. We should neither scorn tradition outright nor reflexively resist progress. What most Americans think of traditional (1950ís culture and family) is in truth a very new way of living thatís anamolous with other traditional cultures across time and location, particularly because it shuns multigenerational cohabitation. Our American ďtraditionalĒ way of living is effably modern and inscrutable to a lot of people in this world.

Yes.