Adult child of an alcoholic: When and how do you take away the keys?

[englishteacheralex]

I'm in an unusual situation. My mom lives alone, a 14 hour plane ride away from me. We stay in touch but it's a complicated relationship. She never drank when I was growing up, but over the past 10 years she's developed a fairly serious problem with alcoholism, which runs in her family.

I'm pretty sure she's been drunk driving. She also told me a very concerning story about crashing her car while on Percocet (she had knee replacement surgery a few years back and has been on various painkillers ever since).

I'm too far away and my life is too hectic with a full time job and two toddlers for me to be able to intervene much, but I'm starting to feel some anxiety about her potentially having a devastating car accident...I have a brother who has a bit more flexibility in helping her, although he also lives pretty far away.

Does anybody have a book recommendation or maybe a website or something that helped you with figuring out how to help your parents with substance abuse? I've been in denial that this is a real problem, but my brother and I are becoming more and more alarmed. We keep saying to each other--at what point do we intervene?

[Wrenchturner]

Generally speaking, people don't value advice until they request it themselves.  And a drug addiction makes that even worse.  I don't have any recommendations other than perhaps you should speak with an addictions specialist or counselor.

[KBecks]

How old is your mom?

I remember my dad recounting how he told his dad (my grandpa) that he was not only going to kill himself in a car accident but he very likely would kill other people too.  Apparently, that worked. Grandpa was not able to maintain his lane and was starting to veer left, towards oncoming traffic.

If your mom was in a nasty accident, maybe she will consider the threat she poses to others.  Is she retired, and does she need to drive?

What are the chances of relocating her closer to either one of you so you can become more involved and monitor her?

Perhaps she could organize her life to take Uber, etc.

[iris lily]

I don’t see how you think you can help your mom with substance abuse, you can only help her with her life. You can help society by getting her away from driving.

[SunnyDays]

If your mom drinks and takes Percocet together, that is a dangerous combination.  She should not be taking meds years after surgery and is likely addicted to those too.  You could contact her doctor and tell him/her your concerns.  They have the power to take licenses away if they think it’s warranted.

[englishteacheralex]

Hey everybody, thanks for responding!

If your mom drinks and takes Percocet together, that is a dangerous combination.  She should not be taking meds years after surgery and is likely addicted to those too.  You could contact her doctor and tell him/her your concerns.  They have the power to take licenses away if they think it’s warranted.

Somebody else on my journal suggested this idea of talking to her doctor about her issues. I will definitely talk it over with my brother.

I don’t see how you think you can help your mom with substance abuse, you can only help her with her life. You can help society by getting her away from driving.

Sorry--let me rephrase the original post--I am absolutely clear on the fact that I can't help her in any way with her life. She is very headstrong and still considers me to be a child. I stopped trying to give her advice or help her change many, many years ago. But I'd like to help the substance abuse, at least in a "harm reduction" sort of way. You know, where you put the person into an optimized situation so that yeah, they're going to continue the substance abuse, but at the least risk of harm to others and to themselves beyond the substance itself.

My big concern at the moment is preventing her from killing or injuring people in a car accident.

How old is your mom?

I remember my dad recounting how he told his dad (my grandpa) that he was not only going to kill himself in a car accident but he very likely would kill other people too.  Apparently, that worked. Grandpa was not able to maintain his lane and was starting to veer left, towards oncoming traffic.

If your mom was in a nasty accident, maybe she will consider the threat she poses to others.  Is she retired, and does she need to drive?

What are the chances of relocating her closer to either one of you so you can become more involved and monitor her?

Perhaps she could organize her life to take Uber, etc.

She's 70, has been retired for around eight years, and I've been trying to get her to relocate for about five years. She's starting to think about it. The Uber thing could be a real option for her if she lived in a more urban area. That's a good thing to think about. I highly, highly doubt that she will move anywhere near me or my brother, but she might move to a more retiree-friendly area.

Generally speaking, people don't value advice until they request it themselves.  And a drug addiction makes that even worse.  I don't have any recommendations other than perhaps you should speak with an addictions specialist or counselor.

She would never listen to anything I said. That's fine--I don't take it personally--but that doesn't mean there's no way for me to intervene when we're talking about her engaging in illegal potentially life-threatening behavior (drunk driving). An addictions specialist or counselor might be a good option. Thanks for the suggestion.

[iris lily]

I think you are right to worry about her driving and injuring herself and others so good luck with any action you take here.

[KBecks]

She's 70, has been retired for around eight years, and I've been trying to get her to relocate for about five years. She's starting to think about it. The Uber thing could be a real option for her if she lived in a more urban area. That's a good thing to think about. I highly, highly doubt that she will move anywhere near me or my brother, but she might move to a more retiree-friendly area.


70 is on the young side, but she might consider a senior apartment where they have shuttle buses and lots of social activities.  It depends on her ego and whether or not she likes being around older people.  But they have a lot of entertainment and things, maybe there is a good fit for her.

[Sibley]

I admittedly have very low tolerance for drunk driving. I would seriously consider just calling the police and reporting her.

[iris lily]

I admittedly have very low tolerance for drunk driving. I would seriously consider just calling the police and reporting her.

 What do you expect the police to do if she’s not actively driving while drunk?

[Cassie]

I would try to appeal to her rational side and discuss the consequences of drunk driving. Maybe get her to agree to only drive when sober and not using pain medications.

[Fomerly known as something]

See if there is a local to you Al-Anon group.  (Support group for family members of Alcoholics)

[calimom]

My husband was killed by a drunk driver; my younger children have zero to limited memory of a parent who was one of the best fathers on the planet. It's such a frustratingly preventable action. The driver responsible for my husband's death had been a habitual DUI offender and had had his license taken away. But still drove. He didn't own a vehicle yet managed to borrow one. It's extremely difficult to get a person to stop driving in our car-centric culture.

I'm very sorry you and your brother are facing this with your mother, @englishteacheralex and I feel your helplessness, especially with the distance factor. I can see how confronting someone would be problematic and possibly not helpful, but I do recommend this from the Mothers Against Drunk Driving site:

https://www.madd.org/get-help/concerned-citizen/#Impaireddriving

Good luck, and let us know how this goes.

[Steeze]

After a DUI while on probation in college I had mandatory addiction counseling for two years. Woke me up, got me sober. If she is willing, I highly recommend AA, NA, addiction counseling, etc.

I also went to some MADD presentations as part of my sentence. Basically people getting up on stage and talking about their loved ones dying as a result of DUI. Pretty awful stuff.

Talk to your mom.. meet your brother down there, have the talk. Bring your mom to a MADD presentation, pretty sure they are everywhere all the time and free. Ask her to join AA/NA and seek therapy for addiction.

Unfortunately unless she is caught in the act it is all voluntary, nothing you can do except ask her to get help. No need to be nice about it. My family told me to get help for years before I finally was required to by the state, so don’t hold your breath.

In a way, getting that DUI was the best thing that ever happened to me, too bad it had to come to that, happy no one got hurt.

[Cassie]

Cali, that’s so sad about your husband. People are now killing others by texting and driving. A woman is getting 10 years in prison.  If we drink when out we take a uber home.  We recently went to a wine tasting and picked up our car the next day. We don’t get drunk but feel it’s the responsible thing to do.   

[DadJokes]

There's not a whole lot you can do. People generally don't want unsolicited advice, especially from their own children.

I dealt with something similar with my parents about a year ago. They weren't drinking and driving (to my knowledge), but they definitely drank way too much while visiting us after the birth of my son. The first time I spoke to my dad after he left, I told him that I wouldn't have my child around them if they drank like that. The next time I visited, neither of them had a drink. I'm sure that they still drink when I'm not around, but that was the line I drew.

You could draw a similar line, stating that you don't like who she is when she drinks, and you won't bring your toddlers around. That assumes that you visit at least occasionally. Not seeing grandchildren might force her to take a look in the mirror.

[OzzieandHarriet]

After a DUI while on probation in college I had mandatory addiction counseling for two years. Woke me up, got me sober. If she is willing, I highly recommend AA, NA, addiction counseling, etc.

I also went to some MADD presentations as part of my sentence. Basically people getting up on stage and talking about their loved ones dying as a result of DUI. Pretty awful stuff.

Talk to your mom.. meet your brother down there, have the talk. Bring your mom to a MADD presentation, pretty sure they are everywhere all the time and free. Ask her to join AA/NA and seek therapy for addiction.

Unfortunately unless she is caught in the act it is all voluntary, nothing you can do except ask her to get help. No need to be nice about it. My family told me to get help for years before I finally was required to by the state, so don’t hold your breath.

In a way, getting that DUI was the best thing that ever happened to me, too bad it had to come to that, happy no one got hurt.

Similar sequence happened to my DH, well before I met him. He got his DUI while driving in a blackout, hit a car with five people in it, and luckily no one was hurt. He’s been sober for more than 30 years now.

[Sibley]

I admittedly have very low tolerance for drunk driving. I would seriously consider just calling the police and reporting her.

 What do you expect the police to do if she’s not actively driving while drunk?

Perfect world, they would know to keep an eye out for the vehicle. They would then be more likely to see her, pull her over and check if she's drunk. If she were drunk, then she'd get in the system as a drunk driver, they'd continue keeping an eye out, etc. I don't know how perfect the world is. But I think I would need to try anyway.

[Cassie]

The town would have to be small for police willing to be on the lookout. We live in a town of 350k and my son has called in drunk drivers with car make, location, etc and has been told that they don’t have time for this. This is usually downtown so you would think a cop would be nearby.

[mm1970]

I admittedly have very low tolerance for drunk driving. I would seriously consider just calling the police and reporting her.

 What do you expect the police to do if she’s not actively driving while drunk?

I think there are actually cars (or things you can add to cars) that will not allow you to start a car without taking a breathylizer. (sp)

[mm1970]

And I'm sorry.  My mom was an alcoholic, and it killed her.  She really started drinking I think when she hit menopause and started getting depressed.  It was a 10 year downward spiral, and she didn't even make it to 68.  Ended up in the hospital and all her organs shut down.

[wenchsenior]

The town would have to be small for police willing to be on the lookout. We live in a town of 350k and my son has called in drunk drivers with car make, location, etc and has been told that they don’t have time for this. This is usually downtown so you would think a cop would be nearby.

Yeah.  It's a bad situation.  I know someone who was a regular drunk driver for probably 15-20 years, and periodically several people who knew would call in alerts about it to the cops. But even in his small town of ~10,000, often the cops didn't have time or manpower to look, or couldn't find him when they did look.  He eventually got repeatedly busted for DWI and was in fact jailed a couple times, and ended up with court-ordered breathilizer-lock on his car.  But it took years and years of escalation of the severity of driving incidents (and also repeated calls for welfare checks and emergency hospital detox, incidents where he was reported for being a danger to others b/c of random belligerence and paranoid behavior including involving guns while blackout drunk, etc.) before the local cops really made much difference to anything he did. 

It's incredible that he never hurt anyone, given how long it went on. Small town, less traffic, less possibility for crashes?

It's partly a numbers problems. Tons of potentially intoxicated drivers, none obvious unless really driving in a noticeable dangerous way, and then the cops have to be there at that exact moment to see it and stop them.

[wenchsenior]

I admittedly have very low tolerance for drunk driving. I would seriously consider just calling the police and reporting her.

 What do you expect the police to do if she’s not actively driving while drunk?

I think there are actually cars (or things you can add to cars) that will not allow you to start a car without taking a breathylizer. (sp)

Yes, this is true.  However, it must be court-ordered unless the driver volunteers to have it installed.

[GreenSheep]

I admittedly have very low tolerance for drunk driving. I would seriously consider just calling the police and reporting her.

 What do you expect the police to do if she’s not actively driving while drunk?

I think there are actually cars (or things you can add to cars) that will not allow you to start a car without taking a breathylizer. (sp)

Yes, this is true.  However, it must be court-ordered unless the driver volunteers to have it installed.

Maybe this is a little too Big Brother for some people, but I've never understood why cars don't just automatically come with that feature. They come with a bazillion other safety features, and we force people to do a lot of other safety-related things, like motorcycle helmets in some states, and seat belts. I mean, what's the downside? A few seconds wasted blowing into the thing? I think any one of those 10,000 people per year who die in drunk-driving-related car wrecks in the US alone would say it's worth it. (source: https://www.nhtsa.gov/risky-driving/drunk-driving) Seems like it would also save a lot of costs related to prosecution and punishment of the drunk driver (if they survive).

[Wrenchturner]

I admittedly have very low tolerance for drunk driving. I would seriously consider just calling the police and reporting her.

 What do you expect the police to do if she’s not actively driving while drunk?

I think there are actually cars (or things you can add to cars) that will not allow you to start a car without taking a breathylizer. (sp)

Yes, this is true.  However, it must be court-ordered unless the driver volunteers to have it installed.

Maybe this is a little too Big Brother for some people, but I've never understood why cars don't just automatically come with that feature. They come with a bazillion other safety features, and we force people to do a lot of other safety-related things, like motorcycle helmets in some states, and seat belts. I mean, what's the downside? A few seconds wasted blowing into the thing? I think any one of those 10,000 people per year who die in drunk-driving-related car wrecks would say it's worth it. (source: https://www.nhtsa.gov/risky-driving/drunk-driving) Seems like it would also save a lot of costs related to prosecution and punishment of the drunk driver (if they survive).

Unnecessary expense for the manufacturer.

[OtherJen]

And I'm sorry.  My mom was an alcoholic, and it killed her.  She really started drinking I think when she hit menopause and started getting depressed.  It was a 10 year downward spiral, and she didn't even make it to 68.  Ended up in the hospital and all her organs shut down.

I’m so sorry. We have a close relative in a similar situation. She’s been sober for 7 months; before that, she’d had a sobriety spell of about 8 months. I’m afraid the next time she goes on a bender, it will kill her.

[OurTown]

I admittedly have very low tolerance for drunk driving. I would seriously consider just calling the police and reporting her.

 What do you expect the police to do if she’s not actively driving while drunk?

I think there are actually cars (or things you can add to cars) that will not allow you to start a car without taking a breathylizer. (sp)

Yes, this is true.  However, it must be court-ordered unless the driver volunteers to have it installed.

Maybe this is a little too Big Brother for some people, but I've never understood why cars don't just automatically come with that feature. They come with a bazillion other safety features, and we force people to do a lot of other safety-related things, like motorcycle helmets in some states, and seat belts. I mean, what's the downside? A few seconds wasted blowing into the thing? I think any one of those 10,000 people per year who die in drunk-driving-related car wrecks would say it's worth it. (source: https://www.nhtsa.gov/risky-driving/drunk-driving) Seems like it would also save a lot of costs related to prosecution and punishment of the drunk driver (if they survive).

Unnecessary expense for the manufacturer.

Self-driving autonomous vehicles will render this issue moot.

[Wrenchturner]

I admittedly have very low tolerance for drunk driving. I would seriously consider just calling the police and reporting her.

 What do you expect the police to do if she’s not actively driving while drunk?

I think there are actually cars (or things you can add to cars) that will not allow you to start a car without taking a breathylizer. (sp)

Yes, this is true.  However, it must be court-ordered unless the driver volunteers to have it installed.

Maybe this is a little too Big Brother for some people, but I've never understood why cars don't just automatically come with that feature. They come with a bazillion other safety features, and we force people to do a lot of other safety-related things, like motorcycle helmets in some states, and seat belts. I mean, what's the downside? A few seconds wasted blowing into the thing? I think any one of those 10,000 people per year who die in drunk-driving-related car wrecks would say it's worth it. (source: https://www.nhtsa.gov/risky-driving/drunk-driving) Seems like it would also save a lot of costs related to prosecution and punishment of the drunk driver (if they survive).

Unnecessary expense for the manufacturer.

Self-driving autonomous vehicles will render this issue moot.

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts... you're right but I'll believe it when I see it.

The problem will come when cars are mostly self driving and people think they can get away with being intoxicated.