BC: It's hormonal and pill. Obviously I'd be looking at other forms of protection if it was the root cause.
No matter how you skew it; while it may be manipulated to a degree at the same time I'm being manipulative back. When I have told her I can't get married without some sort of established sex life she takes that pretty hard. Like almost I don't love her unconditionally enough to marry her. And it may stem from the past where I did choose someone else over her.
She said the other day she just knows I'm the one she wants to be with forever through whatever (doesn't matter if we're living in a box or what) and even though there's possibly and probably someone else out there better for me; she hopes i'll pick her. I've tried to consider what would happen if we do separate and it's just this feeling of I don't want anything else. I try to imagine going home to an empty house or not stopping by the store to grab the specific yogurts and cookies she likes on the way home and it's just this empty black hole. I can see myself marrying her, but I guess I just hid that thought away for years. I wouldn't even talk about it up until last year as the idea just wasn't something I knew how to feel about (still dont).
We have another counsoling appointment thursday so i'm hoping maybe we can get more meaningful conversation out that way. Our cruise trip is coming up April 15-26. She was planning on stopping after that as apparantly it wrecks havoc on your body and she wanted to enjoy the vacation.
The part in red I highlighted above? That's where your youth and naivety is showing.
Big, scary truth bomb here: there is no such thing as unconditional love in a healthy relationship. That is love beyond reasonable. That is loving a serial killer or abuser or someone that continually hurts you because "he's a good man when he's sober and not smacking me and the kids around" type of love. It twists things around and the fact that you can't take a step back and re-read what you've written here and seen how absolutely sick your entire relationship is... that is super scary.
Unconditional love is a desperate sort of romanticized love that means "you have to forgive me even when I act like a shit to you because you LOOVE me" - it is not real and it is not something to strive for in a mature relationship. At best it is what a parent might feel towards their child - but in a grown up mature relationship - you will always have conditions. Being treated like garbage and never being forgiven for a past mistake, or living sexless for the rest of your life unless she wants to have a kid should be hills to die on.
Just because you made some mistakes and she made some mistakes... so that makes you even/made for each other? No, it doesn't. This is not something you just settle for. You have great reservations, otherwise this wouldn't even be a think to question. LISTEN TO YOUR INNER VOICE.
That whole coming home to an empty house and stopping off to buy her food things and all the stuff you shared mutually over the years and it is just so scary to think about her not being there any more? That's fear of the unknown and being alone and feeling stupid for having invested so much time into this and the next step should just be getting married and popping out kids and ..... it's fear and loss of the familiar and comfortable. You are friends. You are comfortable together. That does NOT mean you are a good couple or should get married.
What you want is a true, deep, and abiding love that is a based on respect, on desire, and true affection and concern for the other person's wellbeing and happiness. It is kindness. It is forgiveness when asked for. It is support when one of you is hurting. It is being open and non-judgmental when someone makes a mistake. It is setting clear boundaries in what you and your partner need from each other and doing your damnedest to follow through with them. It is caring for your partner's needs as if they are your own.
Do you think your girlfriend is considering your feelings over all these years? Do you think it is right to be continually chastized and guilted for things you deeply regret and have apologized for over and over again? Is this how you want the rest of your life to be? Just okay, feeling neglected and sometimes very lonely in this relationship, but hey, at least she's someone to sit on the couch with or go out to dinner right? Warm body without any real connection/affection for the rest of your life - FTW!
It is not holding grudges forever and setting ultimatums. If you have something you want/need from your partner, it means talking through things without threats, or guilt, or "well, you OWE me" bullshit. You work things out and compromise, or you part ways with the understanding that as much as you loved each other, some things just should not be compromised on. Sex, having/not having kids, using a past mistake as a stick to beat you with forever, holding out the carrot of "maybe I'll sex you again if you marry me?" This is a hard line, absolute - dangerous, unhealthy, completely wrong and poisonous.
You've both been drinking the hemlock for so long, you don't realize there is any other way to be, and you're both too scared of leaving and the unknown out there to just make a clean break. And again - look up SUNK COST FALLACY. It applies to relationships too.
I'm gonna check out of this at this point because I think it likely you're not really wanting to do the hard stuff of leaving and starting over. That makes me sad. For the both of you. Because I have zero doubt that you're going to end up with a child or two and divorced and very, very bitter and depressed 5 years from now if not sooner. And it didn't have to be that way if you valued yourself AND HER enough to do the hard but very right thing and break up and get counseling to work through all this stuff so your next relationship could be beautiful.