NEW 2 year on off relationship - starts Pg 21. Issues with trust/attachment.

[KBecks]

So not to nag, but did you sign your contract with the new employer?

If you need a new to you car, this is not a bad time to do that.  It's more work, but I think new job, new city, new (affordable) car is not a bad way to go.  I am getting unMustachian here.

Start separating your obvious stuff.  You will also need to get your keys back.

Make a schedule for when you want to have all this done by.  I think she should be able to get her stuff out next weekend and that would be a very good goal.  It gives her some time to prep, and she should get on this ASAP and know that there is a deadline -- perhaps the 5th?  Don't tell her this but you could extend to the 12th, but try to make this happen sooner than later so it does NOT drag out. 

I think that putting the house on the market helps enforce your deadline with her. 

[zoochadookdook]

I found that the nuisance/worry factor in being a long-distance landlord of my former home outweighed the long-term benefits and sold up (and then bought a rental locally, mostly for non-financial reasons) after a few years.  The problems of a long-distance rental can be offset by knowing a reliable cadre of local workmen to carry out repairs and maintenance and having someone local to find and vet tenants.  Having family in the area is an advantage if they can provide any of those services (don't take them for granted, pay them) and also if they can provide you with a place to stay if you have to visit the area to deal with any house issues.

Of course, keeping the house as a rental may also affect what you do for housing in your new location: whether you can buy down there and what you can afford if you do.  So that needs to be factored into any decision.

Long term you are going to be all right financially whatever decision you make: real estate and index investing are both good ways to reach financial security and independence.  So I think you should do whatever feels right to you and that you think you will regret the least: it's very unlikely to be much of a mistake whichever way you jump.

I'm pretty hands on and proactive even when maintenance items and such do arrive.  I guess my financial situation isn't bad now
and would only be improved by going to a better job so I kind of figure why not try out a rental on something I have good equity in/have family and friends in the area?

current financial situation:
60k liquid
30k roth
no debt
115k mortgage 4.25 30 year. House let's say 190.

[zoochadookdook]

So not to nag, but did you sign your contract with the new employer?

If you need a new to you car, this is not a bad time to do that.  It's more work, but I think new job, new city, new (affordable) car is not a bad way to go.  I am getting unMustachian here.

Start separating your obvious stuff.  You will also need to get your keys back.

Make a schedule for when you want to have all this done by.  I think she should be able to get her stuff out next weekend and that would be a very good goal.  It gives her some time to prep, and she should get on this ASAP and know that there is a deadline -- perhaps the 5th?  Don't tell her this but you could extend to the 12th, but try to make this happen sooner than later so it does NOT drag out. 

I think that putting the house on the market helps enforce your deadline with her.

Signing it with my dad this afternoon.

Yeah I don't want to touch any of her stuff but I guess I can pull mine out of the closet and all that. I anticipate living in the house a few more months at least though.

Trying to figure out what exactly to text her. I know she's really having a hard time and just don't want to sound like an ass.

[former player]

So not to nag, but did you sign your contract with the new employer?

If you need a new to you car, this is not a bad time to do that.  It's more work, but I think new job, new city, new (affordable) car is not a bad way to go.  I am getting unMustachian here.

Start separating your obvious stuff.  You will also need to get your keys back.

Make a schedule for when you want to have all this done by.  I think she should be able to get her stuff out next weekend and that would be a very good goal.  It gives her some time to prep, and she should get on this ASAP and know that there is a deadline -- perhaps the 5th?  Don't tell her this but you could extend to the 12th, but try to make this happen sooner than later so it does NOT drag out. 

I think that putting the house on the market helps enforce your deadline with her.

Signing it with my dad this afternoon.

Yeah I don't want to touch any of her stuff but I guess I can pull mine out of the closet and all that. I anticipate living in the house a few more months at least though.

Trying to figure out what exactly to text her. I know she's really having a hard time and just don't want to sound like an ass.

You are having a hard time too.  You need to find a way through this which is for yourself and which doesn't involve losing sight of your own needs by supporting her through it.  Any conversations you are having about feelings should be with your own family and friends, and any conversations your ex is having about feelings should be with her family and friends.  Next time she brings up something which is about emotions perhaps you could say "that's a conversation you should be having with someone else now".

[charis]

So not to nag, but did you sign your contract with the new employer?

If you need a new to you car, this is not a bad time to do that.  It's more work, but I think new job, new city, new (affordable) car is not a bad way to go.  I am getting unMustachian here.

Start separating your obvious stuff.  You will also need to get your keys back.

Make a schedule for when you want to have all this done by.  I think she should be able to get her stuff out next weekend and that would be a very good goal.  It gives her some time to prep, and she should get on this ASAP and know that there is a deadline -- perhaps the 5th?  Don't tell her this but you could extend to the 12th, but try to make this happen sooner than later so it does NOT drag out. 

I think that putting the house on the market helps enforce your deadline with her.

Signing it with my dad this afternoon.

Yeah I don't want to touch any of her stuff but I guess I can pull mine out of the closet and all that. I anticipate living in the house a few more months at least though.

Trying to figure out what exactly to text her. I know she's really having a hard time and just don't want to sound like an ass.

Don't text her again right away.  Let it go until Monday.

[KBecks]

When will your new job start in Texas?

[ysette9]

@zoochadookdook
When you have settled into your new place and job I think you should look into planning a fun trip to Thailand or some other exotic place. I believe it was Thailand you had mentioned long up thread that you wanted to visit but felt you couldn’t.

[marble_faun]

Yeah, you can't be her main emotional support person anymore.  Especially not through the break-up.  She needs to become independent from you, the sooner the better.

Send the minimum number of texts necessary to be polite and organize logistics.  But keep the tone distant and the messages super-brief.   Avoid getting into a flurry of long, emotional texts.  Hopefully she will then start having these conversations with more responsive people within her own family/friend circle.

[Villanelle]

I found that the nuisance/worry factor in being a long-distance landlord of my former home outweighed the long-term benefits and sold up (and then bought a rental locally, mostly for non-financial reasons) after a few years.  The problems of a long-distance rental can be offset by knowing a reliable cadre of local workmen to carry out repairs and maintenance and having someone local to find and vet tenants.  Having family in the area is an advantage if they can provide any of those services (don't take them for granted, pay them) and also if they can provide you with a place to stay if you have to visit the area to deal with any house issues.

Of course, keeping the house as a rental may also affect what you do for housing in your new location: whether you can buy down there and what you can afford if you do.  So that needs to be factored into any decision.

Long term you are going to be all right financially whatever decision you make: real estate and index investing are both good ways to reach financial security and independence.  So I think you should do whatever feels right to you and that you think you will regret the least: it's very unlikely to be much of a mistake whichever way you jump.

I'm pretty hands on and proactive even when maintenance items and such do arrive.  I guess my financial situation isn't bad now
and would only be improved by going to a better job so I kind of figure why not try out a rental on something I have good equity in/have family and friends in the area?

current financial situation:
60k liquid
30k roth
no debt
115k mortgage 4.25 30 year. House let's say 190.

It it would sell for $190k, you want it to be able to earn $1900/mo in rent.  If not, you are likely better off financially selling it.  And that's not considering the emotional and logistical concerns.

Also, being a long-distance landlord can be challenging.  I can't imagine doing it without a property manager, but they take a good chunk (usually close to 10%) of the rent. 

I do think it's time to start gently bringing up a timeline for moving.  Consciously or not, slow-rolling that process is a way for her to keep one foot in the door of this relationship.  And it prevents both of you from moving on.

"I know this is painful and uncomfortable, but I think it's time we talk about a plan for getting your stuff moved out of the house.  I need to start getting it cleaned up and ready to sell or list as a rental.   Do you think it's realistic that you have your stuff out by the end of the second (or third, if you must) weekend in August, so August 11?  [or 18]   Also, I plan on being out of the house all day on Saturday [even if you have to manufacture a reason and a place to go] so that would be a good time for you to come by.  If it works better for you, I can move my plans to Sunday.  Let me know if that works for you, and if not, we can see if there's a compromise.

I know this is hard, and awkward, but it's the only path forward I can see. [NOTE--I would probably leave this off, but it's clear you really prioritize being super gentle.  This does slightly soften things so it is a bit less cold and business like--which is why I'd leave it off--but if you have to say something, at least this doesn't delve too far into emotions and things she can try to argue and rationalize, or things she can spin to create hope.]

And, as others have said, you are doing great.  This shit is hard.  It is.  I once broke up with a boyfriend (and it took me longer to do than the length of this thread, even after I'd 100% made up my mind!) and when I'd finally done it, a couple days later, he wanted to go to Disneyland.  We had passes, and it was a thing we did together a lot, and I thought it would be kind to show him we were still friends.  We went, and somehow, we ended up back together.  I don't know if it was an intentional misunderstanding/manipulation on his part.  But I was afraid to be assertive because it felt "mean".  When he grabbed my hand, I  knew it would hurt him if I pulled away, so I didn't.  And one thing lead to another and suddenly everything was exactly as it had been and I knew he thought we were back together.  So then I had to break up with him a second time.  It was terrible, and it was all because I couldn't bring myself to be mean to this person I cared about, and I equated "firm" with "mean".  When really, what I ended up doing was far more hurtful and mean.

Then, I initially left the moving out part ambiguous because it felt like kicking him when he was down to say, "have your shit out by Sunday."  (He ended up moving in with my at my parents' house 'temporarily' when the room he was rented was no longer available.  In retrospect, I think he absolutely did this because he knew things were dying and it made it harder for use to end things.)  So I just left it as "I'm in no hurry, take the time you need to make arrangements," and that meant those arrangements never came.  he'd come by, grab a few things, ask to talk to me, tell me how sad he was and how destroyed was his world, etc., then leave with three pairs of socks and a off-season piece of clothing.  And repeat, and repeat, and repeat.  Finally, I had to tell him, "look, this isn't good  for either of us.  I need you to be moved out in two weeks."  That was awful.  But it would have been better if I just had that one "awful" instead of the weeks of baby "awfuls" leading up to it, plus ultimately the same hard conversation. 

He kept trying to engage.  I had to resist the urge to coddle him.  When he sent long, emotional emails, I either didn't respond, or only responded to the logistics parts and ignored the emotional stuff. 

This stuff is so hard.  It truly is.  I don't think anyone here believes otherwise.  But you will make it through this, and there's a way to do that which minimizes the additional, lingering hurt for both of you and allows you to sooner start the healing part. 

[BicycleB]

Financial considerations re house:
1. Wise financial decisions are separate from emotions, or at least made without risk of influence by them. You are not in a life situation where it is likely to make and maintain decisions about the house without emotional impact. By definition, the house is not available for a strictly financial decision. Therefore any path that extricates you from the house without loss is financially wiser than any path that keeps you connected to it.
2. She can't buy it. Based on that plus #1, you should immediately sign up a realtor to sell it.

Were it not for #1, other factors would come into play, some of them mentioned by you and others upthread:
3. Transaction costs are significant in real estate. If you're going to have rental property, AND the one you have is a good rental, of course there's an advantage in keeping it.
4. Remote operation is more difficult and costly. Not impossible, but increases risk and reduces profit.
5. Different areas vary widely in capitalization rate and future prospects. I don't know those about your home town. San Antonio's cap rate has been falling but is not crazy. A judgment call on both sides of the equation.
6. Details of property, neighborhood, maintenance, tax, match between property and renters are huge. Didn't evaluate your property's details due to #1 and 2.
7. As a decision unrelated to context, it's a maybe without further examination.
8. I am going to assume (no offense) that the property is normal, not extraordinary, in your home market. In that case, except for the transaction cost aspect, I think you can replace it with other properties in future if you wish.
9. Maintaining the property and learning to be a landlord are good experience, and you need experience.
10. Maintaining the property and learning to be a landloard can be costly experience at first, and are likely to occuply lots of time and attention in your early years. This is unwise because you have a new job to do, and a new city to learn about.
11. Later, there will be many other properties to buy. Time favors investment, but that's just as true in stock as real estate (see details in wording after this list).
12. The real estate is a large portion of your current stash. You may buy in San Antonio sometime soon. Possibly better from a portfolio safety perspective to put that capital into liquid form for now, especially since you're moving into a new place. That way you won't end up overweighted in real estate and illiquid in the event of surprises.

You can see that some factors support holding the property, but the majority lean towards selling. I feel that qualitatively, the financial factors in favor of selling are also more powerful. In time, you can and should pursue real estate IF you are interested, but not now.

As a point of reference, I am one of many landlords who do not feel returns in real estate are higher than stock after taking personal labor into account. Instead, I feel it's simply a good business, one that a person can learn and do part time when their other personal ducks are in a row. In future, I think you will be in a position to more efficiently develop your real estate chops at that time.

Bear in mind that if you sell, you will still be practicing two very important real estate skills. One is the mechanics of selling a property. The other is the broader skill of making decisive progress in a money-related project, which includes separating emotions from your business analysis, and then completing all the property-specific steps needed to actually bring the project to market. Selling the house ASAP already IS an important real estate experience, if that is what you choose to do.

[Tyson]

It's hard to be an emotional support to a person when you are the one causing them the pain.  Best to keep things focused on the logistics, make everything as quick/efficient as possible.

[zoochadookdook]

well she texted today and she'll bring the dogs over before work so I can have them tomorrow/is getting her bed and such tomorrow night.

Past that her dad will hire a moving company but she said we need to divide furniture/talk about the dogs and such.

[KBecks]

OK, good. Did you finish your employment contract, and when do you start the new job? How is the car repair situation?

Do not do shared custody of the dogs. They are either hers or yours and it doesn't really make sense to split them if they are a bonded pair.  If they are not a bonded pair, it might be easier for you to each take one because it is easier to rent a place with one dog, it's harder to find a place to live that takes multiple dogs.

Dividing the furniture should not be difficult.  Who bought it?  How much did you purchase together?

Go have some fun this weekend and take care of yourself.

[BicycleB]

^Total agreement re the dogs. If she wants to decide who gets them, I'd accept that decision; if she doesn't, make a decision. If in doubt, my guess is leave them with her, but that's up to you. Congrats on moving forward. Momentum seems to be building. Keep it up!

[zoochadookdook]

The car they couldn't figure out why it overheated. Ran pressure through the system for a few hours and no leaking coolant. Could be a sticking thermostat? Anyways hoping the head gasket lived


I'm not sure if they're bonded. The boy is older and we got the girl last year-she definitely needs another dog/person around-he's cool on his own though.

Esigned on the docs an hour ago.

[JLee]

The car they couldn't figure out why it overheated. Ran pressure through the system for a few hours and no leaking coolant. Could be a sticking thermostat? Anyways hoping the head gasket lived


I'm not sure if they're bonded. The boy is older and we got the girl last year-she definitely needs another dog/person around-he's cool on his own though.

Esigned on the docs an hour ago.

Congratulations! That is huge!

[ysette9]

Woot woot! That is awesome. Congrats

[DeepEllumStache]

Congrats!!

[BicycleB]

(assuming you meant the New Job documents...)

New job, new life! Yay!!

[zoochadookdook]

Yeah I should get excited I just can't hah. At least I get to see the dogs tomorrow-She's dropping them off in the morning.

[former player]

Congratulations on your new career.

Yeah I should get excited I just can't hah. At least I get to see the dogs tomorrow-She's dropping them off in the morning.

Give yourself time. Change is difficult, and many of the benefits will take time to become apparent.  At the end of an unhappy period in my life nothing much seemed to change for about 6 months, then for no particular reason I could discern I just looked up at the world one day and suddenly all the colours were brighter.  I hadn't even realised they had been dull, because that had been normal to me for so long.

[Hirondelle]

Congrats on the job!!

[Milizard]

I often feel like that when going through big changes.  Even if it's a really good change, there are still challenges to overcome,  and sadness about leaving things behind.  However,  if you never leave anything behind,  you'll never got anywhere.  Now that I'm older, I recognize more how important it is to keep moving forward.  My biggest regrets in life are being stuck too long (an 8 year relationship, that was even harder to extricate myself from even though my ex had moved on himself, a 15 year stint at a job I never liked in the first place).  Keep moving forward,  and you be less likely to find yourself  in middle age wondering where the years went, and why you never got anywhere.   

[fuzzy math]

Great progress Zoocha!!!

The best advice I've seen on whether to keep a place as a rental, is whether you'd buy the house if it were on the market today to use as a rental. That means the comment above, about it needing to rent for nearly $1900 with a $190k price is going to be very relevant.

[KBecks]

I'm totally interested to find out how you're surviving this weekend.  Hang in there!

[zoochadookdook]

Hey all

Helped her dad and gfs sisters bf move for like 5 hours yesterday. It wasnt' nearly as awkward-he's the nicest guy ever and said he understood our position of both having jobs and didn't blame me a bit. They wouldn't have been able to move the furniture without me so I helped out for 2 loads included getting her room organized at her moms and even moving other stuff downstairs to ease her and her sisters job later.

Their mom is kind of a hoarder so it'll be a PITA dealing with her not throwing shit away but that's not really my problem.

Been researching a little bit and drinking beer all weekend-rental market looks really strong here.

My house is 1700sq ft 3 bed 2 bath and 1000/sq are renting around 1300; It may not be unfathomable to get 1900-2000.

I've wanted to get into rental/real estate for a while now and have ran my own business through college; so I get the micromanagement and ebbs and flows but kind of get excited about the challenge. Right now i'm appraising what is/isn't worth doing to the house prior to converting it to a rental. The kitchen/bathrooms are serviceable but could use updates. The bathroom updates would just be retiling/new vanities. The kitchen would  ideally be remodeled fully. New cabinents. New shape (current U shape is confined). Add a dishwasher. The driveway could also use replacement in the next few years and a water softner would be a welcome addition to prolong appliance/pipe/fixture lifespans.

I'm debating using it as a rental as is and holding the proceeds in terms of standard functional repairs until I decide that a remodel would make a considerable difference in "rentability"

[zoochadookdook]

Glad to hear you made good progress on getting her moved out and that things aren't too unpleasant.  Any decision about the dogs and the car yet?

Unless you can find a really high quality tenant, expect that they will be harder on your place than you were -- if you want to rent I would not sink money into those upgrades now because they won't stay new looking for long.  The $100-200 monthly premium you might get on the rent will take a LOOOOONG time to earn back.  Just get it servicable enough to rent quickly at fair market value and save the upgrades for after you are sure you are keeping the property/have some income you have saved up from the first few years of renting.

Dogs I have a feeling the boy is coming with me which is good. I love those little guys. Car......I really need to figure out why the heck it overheated. May have to go to a different mechanic. Assuming head gasket is ok-keeping it once I figure out if it's a thermostat/whatever. If not.......car shopping.

Yeah It's defiantly serviceable as is. I figure if I wanted to live in it ever those upgrades may make sense/if the area appreciates enough to make them make sense.  I have money set aside right now but who knows what that's for at this point.

[Milizard]

Smaller homes make better rentals.  I've discussed this with someone who has had rentals for years. When tenants turn over, you likely will have to replace all flooring and paint all the walls. The bigger the home, the more this sets you back.

[marble_faun]

Yeah, I would save the remodel money for if/when you ever decide to sell. You could use it to repair things the tenants have worn out over the years.

Would recommend renting to fellow dog owners!  Renters with dogs (of which I am one) are always looking for easy yard access, and most landlords won't rent to us at all.  There will be more wear and tear on the property, but you could attract people willing to pay more in rent.

[jeroly]

Sell the house. You really don't need something to tie you down. It will be a PITA to manage it remotely. If you absolutely have your heart set on opening a rental property, sell it and buy a rental property in San Antonio.

[FIFoFum]

Sell it.

Without further info, the math you've shared REALLY doesn't add up for this to be a good investment property to keep as a rental. It also sounds like you haven't done the research yet to learn and understand real estate investments, and this is not a chapter in your life when you seem to have the time to do that. 

The idea of throwing lots of money into fixing it up to rent is just further evidence that you don't know enough about what you're doing with real estate as an investment vehicle. You sound like you just want to hold on to the property to "hedge" for yourself for the future, and this is a terrible financial idea, given your situation. Sell now. You can always buy again if your circumstances change down the line.

[Kris]

I’m gonna throw in another vote for selling it.

It’s not an ideal first rental, and doing it long-distance makes it even less ideal. Put this place on the market ASAP, move to San Antonio, and if you want to start landlording, look for a good investment property down there.

[KBecks]

Agree on selling.  If you decide to keep, I think you will regret it, and absolutely DO NOT put money into the house to make it a rental.  Either it rents as is, or it doesn't.  If it's good enough for you to live in, what makes it bad as a rental??

How about this... you move to your new city, rent there for a year, keep all the equity from your home sale in short term savings so you can buy a duplex or triplex in your new city?  This is house-hacking.  You live in one unit, rent out the others and learn, learn, learn. Learn about it on Bigger Pockets. Then you can also spend a year getting to know the landlords and going to real estate investors meetings in your new market.

At least TALK to a realtor!

[ElleFiji]

Unless you rent out individual rooms, a 3 bedroom small house is worth the same to a tenant as a 3 bed big house. And if we assume that you're in new job city for 3-5 years minimum, that's enough time to trash a rental.

I'd sell it. Use the money to buy something that you research as a future rental if you want to be in real estate.

I also want to commend you on ending things with your former partner with dignity and respect. I was pretty shocked by some responses on this thread about how they would treat a live in partner of 7 years. You showed that you have the strength to do a hard thing in a respectful way.

And congratulations on your next adventure!

[zoochadookdook]

I made it sound like a crap property hah.

Nothing really needs done to be rent ready currently aside from a few smoke detectors being added.

I was mixing up things I would do if I were to stay in this home vs things that would be required renting.

The house isn't huge (16/17 sq feet) by any means.

 I've run the numbers with what has been consistent during my 4 years of ownership, cap rate on paper looks good with all the factors including a vacancy factor/repair factor; worse comes to worse I'll sell it anyways. I don't specifically need the equity for anything. I have a liquid sum set aside for another property purchase and I have a partner investor in my father (he's always looking to try stuff with me). i

I'm familiar with house hacking. I may pursue that in Texas. The biggest issue is knowing the area as it seems hit or miss down there. I had rented my spare bedroom in this current house for 600/month and had it filled for 2 years straight.


Maybe I need to sleep on it some more/do some deeper diving on biggerpockets. I'm just weighing the risk reward factor but would like to speak to someone in the actual business (have a few lunches scheduled this week with some property flippers and rental owners I know)

[Omy]

I vote for selling as well. I have two rentals and would not feel comfortable if they weren't located near my home. Who will do your property management? Property managers don't seem to care about minimizing the landlord's cost for repairs...so your numbers may look significantly worse when you take that into consideration.

[zoochadookdook]

I vote for selling as well. I have two rentals and would not feel comfortable if they weren't located near my home. Who will do your property management? Property managers don't seem to care about minimizing the landlord's cost for repairs...so your numbers may look significantly worse when you take that into consideration.

I have family and friends on the same street/within 5-10 minutes from it.

[La Bibliotecaria Feroz]

Unless you rent out individual rooms, a 3 bedroom small house is worth the same to a tenant as a 3 bed big house. And if we assume that you're in new job city for 3-5 years minimum, that's enough time to trash a rental.

I'd sell it. Use the money to buy something that you research as a future rental if you want to be in real estate.

I also want to commend you on ending things with your former partner with dignity and respect. I was pretty shocked by some responses on this thread about how they would treat a live in partner of 7 years. You showed that you have the strength to do a hard thing in a respectful way.

And congratulations on your next adventure!

I have no useful real estate info, I just want to chime in and agree with @ElleFiji. Internet strangers can be cruel--I remember being advised by forum people to change the locks during my divorce, which would (a) have been illegal and (b) ultimately would have cost me the $25K in equity that my patience netted me.

I was really struck by what your newly-ex-girlfriend said about how she "trusted" you and "never thought you would do this." She is hurt and angry, I get it. But honestly, I don't think that's a mature way to look at a relationship. I wouldn't say that I trust my (new) husband not to break up with me. I mean, I don't think he will, but people's feelings can change. What I trust is that if his feelings were to change, he would treat me with generosity and compassion.* And I trust that in the course of the ordinary terrible things** that come up in life sometimes, he would treat me with empathy even if he did not see the situation the same way I did.

(*I think of this every month when I set aside money to pay his ex-wife's student loans :-). )

**Phrase stolen from a children's book series.

Which is all to say--to a casual internet stranger, you seem extremely trustworthy. You are treating her feelings with the care they deserve and trying very hard not to cause any gratuitous pain.

[zoochadookdook]

Unless you rent out individual rooms, a 3 bedroom small house is worth the same to a tenant as a 3 bed big house. And if we assume that you're in new job city for 3-5 years minimum, that's enough time to trash a rental.

I'd sell it. Use the money to buy something that you research as a future rental if you want to be in real estate.

I also want to commend you on ending things with your former partner with dignity and respect. I was pretty shocked by some responses on this thread about how they would treat a live in partner of 7 years. You showed that you have the strength to do a hard thing in a respectful way.

And congratulations on your next adventure!

I have no useful real estate info, I just want to chime in and agree with @ElleFiji. Internet strangers can be cruel--I remember being advised by forum people to change the locks during my divorce, which would (a) have been illegal and (b) ultimately would have cost me the $25K in equity that my patience netted me.

I was really struck by what your newly-ex-girlfriend said about how she "trusted" you and "never thought you would do this." She is hurt and angry, I get it. But honestly, I don't think that's a mature way to look at a relationship. I wouldn't say that I trust my (new) husband not to break up with me. I mean, I don't think he will, but people's feelings can change. What I trust is that if his feelings were to change, he would treat me with generosity and compassion.* And I trust that in the course of the ordinary terrible things** that come up in life sometimes, he would treat me with empathy even if he did not see the situation the same way I did.

(*I think of this every month when I set aside money to pay his ex-wife's student loans :-). )

**Phrase stolen from a children's book series.

Which is all to say--to a casual internet stranger, you seem extremely trustworthy. You are treating her feelings with the care they deserve and trying very hard not to cause any gratuitous pain.

I love this girl. It's just hard.

[ElleFiji]

Unless you rent out individual rooms, a 3 bedroom small house is worth the same to a tenant as a 3 bed big house. And if we assume that you're in new job city for 3-5 years minimum, that's enough time to trash a rental.

I'd sell it. Use the money to buy something that you research as a future rental if you want to be in real estate.

I also want to commend you on ending things with your former partner with dignity and respect. I was pretty shocked by some responses on this thread about how they would treat a live in partner of 7 years. You showed that you have the strength to do a hard thing in a respectful way.

And congratulations on your next adventure!

I have no useful real estate info, I just want to chime in and agree with @ElleFiji. Internet strangers can be cruel--I remember being advised by forum people to change the locks during my divorce, which would (a) have been illegal and (b) ultimately would have cost me the $25K in equity that my patience netted me.

I was really struck by what your newly-ex-girlfriend said about how she "trusted" you and "never thought you would do this." She is hurt and angry, I get it. But honestly, I don't think that's a mature way to look at a relationship. I wouldn't say that I trust my (new) husband not to break up with me. I mean, I don't think he will, but people's feelings can change. What I trust is that if his feelings were to change, he would treat me with generosity and compassion.* And I trust that in the course of the ordinary terrible things** that come up in life sometimes, he would treat me with empathy even if he did not see the situation the same way I did.

(*I think of this every month when I set aside money to pay his ex-wife's student loans :-). )

**Phrase stolen from a children's book series.

Which is all to say--to a casual internet stranger, you seem extremely trustworthy. You are treating her feelings with the care they deserve and trying very hard not to cause any gratuitous pain.

I love this girl. It's just hard.

I know. And that's why it is fantastic that life is going to give you two geographic space. It's one of the cruelest life lessons that even when two people love each other, they aren't always good together. I have exes I still love, but the love changes to where I am not in love with them. And I'm happier apart.

[partgypsy]

It was a big deal to realize with my ex (with whom I was together for 25 years, and have 2 kids together), love is not enough. I loved him. I still love him, but in a different way now (not romantic, more like family). He was a great boyfriend. After getting married and having kids with him I most likely would have stayed with him indefinitely had he not broke up with me. I don't think he is a bad person, but he has a drinking problem and was, as a friend put it, an "incapable" husband.
I think any relationship involves trade offs, and no one is a perfect person, but once you a relieved of a strain of pushing down things that are really important to you as not important, because your partner doesn't think they are important, there is sense of immeasurable relief. 

Good luck on your journey! 

[Kris]

Yep, “love is not enough” was one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. But it is absolutely the truth.

[Villanelle]

I vote for selling as well. I have two rentals and would not feel comfortable if they weren't located near my home. Who will do your property management? Property managers don't seem to care about minimizing the landlord's cost for repairs...so your numbers may look significantly worse when you take that into consideration.

I have family and friends on the same street/within 5-10 minutes from it.

Family and friends on the street doesn't do a lot of good, unless they are willing to be on call, which means getting a call at 2 am that water is pouring from the ceiling, and finding a plumber and getting flood damage crews in ASAP. 

And even then, I think the point was that renters don't generally take as good care of a property as owners do.  And they will call for professional help where an owner would likely DIY.  The toilet is running?  In a house I own, I diagnose it, buy a $9 part at Home Depot, and fix, if possible.  When I'm renting, I call my landlord, and if he lives in Texas, he has to pay a plumber for that, which probably costs at least $75.  And a property managers isn't going to go in and DIY that $9 repair, either.  The ~10% you pay them covers them arranging for a plumber, and maybe getting a small discount for bulk business.  If you don't get a manager, are those friends really prepared to manage a property for you?  Are they going to do it for free?   How are you going to screen tenants?  What lease will you use?

These aren't insurmountable problems, of course.  (Well, the fact that you may need to pay a PM and that your number wont work out may be...)  But you have a lot on your plate right now without this stuff, and adding figuring all this out to your list, for a property that may not even be very profitable, seems like a not-great plan.

[zoochadookdook]

I vote for selling as well. I have two rentals and would not feel comfortable if they weren't located near my home. Who will do your property management? Property managers don't seem to care about minimizing the landlord's cost for repairs...so your numbers may look significantly worse when you take that into consideration.

I have family and friends on the same street/within 5-10 minutes from it.

Family and friends on the street doesn't do a lot of good, unless they are willing to be on call, which means getting a call at 2 am that water is pouring from the ceiling, and finding a plumber and getting flood damage crews in ASAP. 

And even then, I think the point was that renters don't generally take as good care of a property as owners do.  And they will call for professional help where an owner would likely DIY.  The toilet is running?  In a house I own, I diagnose it, buy a $9 part at Home Depot, and fix, if possible.  When I'm renting, I call my landlord, and if he lives in Texas, he has to pay a plumber for that, which probably costs at least $75.  And a property managers isn't going to go in and DIY that $9 repair, either.  The ~10% you pay them covers them arranging for a plumber, and maybe getting a small discount for bulk business.  If you don't get a manager, are those friends really prepared to manage a property for you?  Are they going to do it for free?   How are you going to screen tenants?  What lease will you use?

These aren't insurmountable problems, of course.  (Well, the fact that you may need to pay a PM and that your number wont work out may be...)  But you have a lot on your plate right now without this stuff, and adding figuring all this out to your list, for a property that may not even be very profitable, seems like a not-great plan.

Yeah, but that's also a good problem. My houise is by no means a 100% perfect property. The walls weren't sanded before paint, the floors are bamboo laminate and bubbling in a few spots, etc; which means I don't mind normal living wear as much as say-someone who owns a mansion and rents it. Of course then again that just falls back to charging more to cover....

I'm also not a skilled trades person by any means. I know a few contractors who would be able to source me fair labor which would be an expense of course; but that's just part of the game.

That's why I was leaning towards a property manager. I could do the research, find someone to go to for legal (drafting a agreement/if issues arise and eviction is required), find some contractors to call for repair work, find backups for both of these JIC etc-BUT a management company is already equipped for all this.

[JLee]

My recommendation is to sell the house and cut all ties with your old life.  Start something new and don't look back.

[zoochadookdook]

My recommendation is to sell the house and cut all ties with your old life.  Start something new and don't look back.

Considering the family lives up here I'll be looking back on holidays lol

[JLee]

My recommendation is to sell the house and cut all ties with your old life.  Start something new and don't look back.

Considering the family lives up here I'll be looking back on holidays lol

That's different than having a significant portion of your net worth tied up in your old life.

[former player]

My recommendation is to sell the house and cut all ties with your old life.  Start something new and don't look back.

Considering the family lives up here I'll be looking back on holidays lol

That's different than having a significant portion of your net worth tied up in your old life.

Actually, I found that renting out a former residence was almost a better way of moving on from the memories than selling it: you get to see someone else living in the space and you are dealing with the issues of management in a very different way from when an owner-occupier.  I very quickly learned to treat a house I had lived in for 17 years purely as someone else's home.

The other thing is: Zoocha is making a move to San Antonio for career reasons.  He may stay there for a long time, but it's also possible that further career moves will take him elsewhere in the country or back to his home town.  In either of those cases keeping the current house could make more sense than selling and buying property in scattered locations around the country.

[Villanelle]

I vote for selling as well. I have two rentals and would not feel comfortable if they weren't located near my home. Who will do your property management? Property managers don't seem to care about minimizing the landlord's cost for repairs...so your numbers may look significantly worse when you take that into consideration.

I have family and friends on the same street/within 5-10 minutes from it.

Family and friends on the street doesn't do a lot of good, unless they are willing to be on call, which means getting a call at 2 am that water is pouring from the ceiling, and finding a plumber and getting flood damage crews in ASAP. 

And even then, I think the point was that renters don't generally take as good care of a property as owners do.  And they will call for professional help where an owner would likely DIY.  The toilet is running?  In a house I own, I diagnose it, buy a $9 part at Home Depot, and fix, if possible.  When I'm renting, I call my landlord, and if he lives in Texas, he has to pay a plumber for that, which probably costs at least $75.  And a property managers isn't going to go in and DIY that $9 repair, either.  The ~10% you pay them covers them arranging for a plumber, and maybe getting a small discount for bulk business.  If you don't get a manager, are those friends really prepared to manage a property for you?  Are they going to do it for free?   How are you going to screen tenants?  What lease will you use?

These aren't insurmountable problems, of course.  (Well, the fact that you may need to pay a PM and that your number wont work out may be...)  But you have a lot on your plate right now without this stuff, and adding figuring all this out to your list, for a property that may not even be very profitable, seems like a not-great plan.

Yeah, but that's also a good problem. My houise is by no means a 100% perfect property. The walls weren't sanded before paint, the floors are bamboo laminate and bubbling in a few spots, etc; which means I don't mind normal living wear as much as say-someone who owns a mansion and rents it. Of course then again that just falls back to charging more to cover....

I'm also not a skilled trades person by any means. I know a few contractors who would be able to source me fair labor which would be an expense of course; but that's just part of the game.

That's why I was leaning towards a property manager. I could do the research, find someone to go to for legal (drafting a agreement/if issues arise and eviction is required), find some contractors to call for repair work, find backups for both of these JIC etc-BUT a management company is already equipped for all this.

What are the numbers?  Your made a very rough estimate of rent.  It seems unlikely to me that more square footage but the same number of bed/baths is going to bring in that much more.  Maybe it will, but clearly you are guessing. 

Until you have numbers, you can't make a rational decision about this.  So talk to some PMs, since you admit you would likely hire one.  See what they charge, which is usually a % of rent and then often a fee each time they have to find a new tenant.  See if they will give you an estimated rent (they may not until you sigh with them).  Do some research on realistic rents in your area.  (This can be regional, but I find Hotpads to have lost of listings, from both professionally managed and owner-managed properties.)  Even talk to your insurance company about what a rental (NOT renter's!) policy will cost.  Contact your city to see if there is an annual fee for having a rental property.

Run the numbers.  Then and only then can you make this decision, unless you are happy to make an emotional decision that has nothing to o with the numbers. 

I don't think renting is an inherently terrible idea.  But you sound completely ill-prepared to be a landlord or to make an educated decision.  And if you don't want to put in the research, cool.  But then you should sell. 

[zoochadookdook]

Sorry to jump topics but we haven't figured out the dogs yet (they were staying at her moms) and today the boy was sick so she's been texting me updates from the vet. It's weird like we have to stay in contact to get this paid and figured out/still haven't figured out if she's keeping both or just 1. He's pretty sick and they have to run a bunch of tests to see if he's anemic. I don't want to just be un compassionate and I can tell this is stressing her out along with all the rest.