Author Topic: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married. Any Counselors?  (Read 40874 times)

sol

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Situations like this one are why the US divorce rate is so high.  People just refuse to see any other option than diving into a bad marriage head first.

Here's a tip for you.  If your waiter says he only has two things on the menu today, and option one is a giant shit sandwich, take option 2.  I don't care what mystery option 2 is, you don't eat the shit sandwich on purpose. 

zoochadookdook

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Anyways I'm going to talk to her this weekend about it. I need to book the flight down there and start making moves in the current job and life and jazz if i'm going down there and can't really put it off any longer.

Excellent update! Book that flight. Probably the kindest thing you can tell her is that you want her to be happy (not stressed), and you cannot give her what she wants to be happy (commitment, marriage, kids).

Yeah I've resonated that. I've been committed but apparently, marriage is a big picture commitment vs the day to day commitment. I do want her to be happy and I've vocalized I'm holding her in limbo vs her finding someone who meets her standards.

BicycleB

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Vocalizations are part of the codependency loop for you two.

Book that flight...

runbikerun

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Yeah I've resonated that. I've been committed but apparently, marriage is a big picture commitment vs the day to day commitment. I do want her to be happy and I've vocalized I'm holding her in limbo vs her finding someone who meets her standards.

Why are you still vocalizing feelings and talking about holding her in bloody limbo?

You're not able to give her what she wants. She's not able to give you what you want. Nothing in the pages of updates and discussion indicates that you are one millimetre closer to a resolution than you were when you first realised this. You can either make a clean break and take a tremendous opportunity, or you keep going on and on and on and fucking on in the same neverending loop of talking about how both of you want things the other can't provide, getting older and more resentful year on year. Stop trying to find a fix for this relationship, because there isn't one. It's holed below the waterline, and letting it drag on like this is shitty both to yourself and to her. Absolutely nothing you've described gives the faintest indication that there's any kind of prospect of this getting better, and getting better at talking about your feelings does nothing except make you really good at seeing just how broken your relationship is.

Break up. Take the job across the country. Sell the house.

mm1970

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You need to be really clear with her that you donít want marriage and kids with her at this point and that you do not see yourself changing your mind any time soon. You also need to be really clear that she needs to live her life and pursue the opportunity that she has for her new job where she is already. Meaning, you need to be really clear that if you take this job you will be moving alone.

To not be clear with her would be mean. You need to stop that train in the tracks because it will just get harder and harder to do the right thing the longer you wait.

Oh please rip off this bandaid.
Yes so so much this.  I have been in a relationship that we ended, because it wasn't working.  And because he was moving and wanted me to follow him.  I didn't want to follow him.  I wanted to do my OWN thing.  But we broke up and left it with "maybe".  We kept in touch, talked weekly.  He came back to visit with ideas and ... yeah I was over it.  It was over, and that was for the best.  That six months in between of  "maybe" was really painful though.  Rip. Off. The. Bandaid.

Likewise, 5 years or so later (when I was your age-ish), a different BF moved away from me.  I told him "I'll consider following you, but only if we are married."  Which is what I wanted, but I wasn't necessarily going to pressure him. I had 2 more years in my military commitment before I could move anyway.  We are still married (but it was still hard, yo!)  HE was the right guy.  The first guy was not and I knew it.  He wanted stuff from me (commitment, kids, putting him first) that I wasn't willing to give.

RetiredAt63

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She is young - finding a new place to live is not that big a stress.  I found a new place to live when I left my husband, and we had been married for decades.  It was stressful.  Not as stressful as staying in the marriage would have been.  More stressful than if I had done it when I was 30 years younger.  Which I probably should have, looking back.                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

There is always stress in life - the trick is to learn to cope with it.  How does anyone learn to cope if they never have any stress to deal with? Did her parents coddle her so much that she has poor/no coping skills?   Did yours?

Kris

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Iím gonna take this from a different angle.

I love my husband. I love him so much that it is hard for me to imagine how my body would ever find the strength to draw another breath if he died. The happiness I get from our relationship is something I find impossible to describe.

We have other couple friends who I think feel similarly about each other.

Is this how you feel about your friend?

It doesnít seem like you do.

Finding a partner that lights up your world is one of the greatest joys of a human life.

Donít take away your friendís and your chance at a real relationship.
« Last Edit: June 27, 2019, 07:47:03 PM by Kris »

zoochadookdook

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Iím gonna take this from a different angle.

I love my husband. I love him so much that it is hard for me to imagine how my body would ever find the strength to draw another breath if he died. The happiness I get from our relationship is something I find impossible to describe.

We have other couple friends who I think feel similarly about each other.

Is this how you feel about your friend?

It doesnít seem like you do.

Finding a partner that lights up your world is one of the greatest joys of a human life.

Donít take away your friendís and your chance at a real relationship.


Yeah I mean I enjoy our time together but nothing really makes me over the moon happy; I'm not depressed or such but I just don't get excited about things. Holidays seem like a hassle, most things I do for fun are because I enjoy the activity but it's not necessarily happy endorphins flying off the handle. Stuff like my birthday I'd rather ignore because I don't want to ask for things from people. It's difficult to find happiness working towards a future that you don't know where you want to end up/what you want/etc. I think the closest I am to a goal is finding out what my goal is;.

zoochadookdook

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Anyways I'm thinking of putting my 2 weeks in next week. This job makes way too much sense not to take.

KBecks

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She's definitely told me she's stressed as it feels like her life is a result of my choices going forward.
That is complete and utter bullshit.

Well consider. If I move I sell the house. She lives in the house. Even if we were set on being married in x amount of time etc etc-I can see how a place she's made a home and become attatched to being discarded would be unsettling.
She should have never "made a home" or become attached to a place for which she was not contributing.
You aren't married. She wasn't paying half the bills (was she?). Hell, she wasn't even sleeping with you.

This relationship is very bad. Run.

The old-fashioned rule is: don't live together if you're not married. It prevents a lot of this stress and pressure.

Added: and don't buy pets together.   I think it makes sense for you to buy out her share of the dogs and for you to keep them, not for her to 'give' them to you.  If she needs to rent a place, finding a rental that takes 2 dogs and paying extra pet rent is a PITA, so you keeping them and caring for them is a favor to her.
« Last Edit: June 28, 2019, 10:06:00 AM by KBecks »

Kris

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Iím gonna take this from a different angle.

I love my husband. I love him so much that it is hard for me to imagine how my body would ever find the strength to draw another breath if he died. The happiness I get from our relationship is something I find impossible to describe.

We have other couple friends who I think feel similarly about each other.

Is this how you feel about your friend?

It doesnít seem like you do.

Finding a partner that lights up your world is one of the greatest joys of a human life.

Donít take away your friendís and your chance at a real relationship.


Yeah I mean I enjoy our time together but nothing really makes me over the moon happy; I'm not depressed or such but I just don't get excited about things. Holidays seem like a hassle, most things I do for fun are because I enjoy the activity but it's not necessarily happy endorphins flying off the handle. Stuff like my birthday I'd rather ignore because I don't want to ask for things from people. It's difficult to find happiness working towards a future that you don't know where you want to end up/what you want/etc. I think the closest I am to a goal is finding out what my goal is;.

You are definitely, definitely not in the right relationship, my friend.

You only go around once. Life is too short to spend it like this.

Omy

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Anyways I'm thinking of putting my 2 weeks in next week. This job makes way too much sense not to take.

Congrats! It really sounds like the universe has given you a great gift with this job offer. A little time and distance will give you both a lot more clarity.

DeepEllumStache

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Wait to put in your two weeks until you have a job offer in writing.

zoochadookdook

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She's definitely told me she's stressed as it feels like her life is a result of my choices going forward.
That is complete and utter bullshit.

Well consider. If I move I sell the house. She lives in the house. Even if we were set on being married in x amount of time etc etc-I can see how a place she's made a home and become attatched to being discarded would be unsettling.
She should have never "made a home" or become attached to a place for which she was not contributing.
You aren't married. She wasn't paying half the bills (was she?). Hell, she wasn't even sleeping with you.

This relationship is very bad. Run.

The old-fashioned rule is: don't live together if you're not married. It prevents a lot of this stress and pressure.

Added: and don't buy pets together.   I think it makes sense for you to buy out her share of the dogs and for you to keep them, not for her to 'give' them to you.  If she needs to rent a place, finding a rental that takes 2 dogs and paying extra pet rent is a PITA, so you keeping them and caring for them is a favor to her.

Realistically I could pay her a future "dog maintenance" fee or I could buy them out. The younger one needs another dog; the older one is a fine solo dog. She would have family to move in with and her mother may allow one dog to stay. Haven't seriously discussed it yet. I wouldn't want to keep them from her-We're both overly obsessed with them.

zoochadookdook

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Wait to put in your two weeks until you have a job offer in writing.

I can call the hiring manager again this weekend (buddies dad). This position isn't externally advertised to my knowledge so he may have to draft or have a contract offer drafted up next week.

ysette9

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Wait to put in your two weeks until you have a job offer in writing.
This this this!!!! Do not do anything until you have a signed offer in writing.

zoochadookdook

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Wait to put in your two weeks until you have a job offer in writing.
This this this!!!! Do not do anything until you have a signed offer in writing.

It's sound advice. I know I have the offer given my relationship with the family and his position, but don't believe it until you see it!

ysette9

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Iím gonna take this from a different angle.

I love my husband. I love him so much that it is hard for me to imagine how my body would ever find the strength to draw another breath if he died. The happiness I get from our relationship is something I find impossible to describe.

We have other couple friends who I think feel similarly about each other.

Is this how you feel about your friend?

It doesnít seem like you do.

Finding a partner that lights up your world is one of the greatest joys of a human life.

Donít take away your friendís and your chance at a real relationship.


Yeah I mean I enjoy our time together but nothing really makes me over the moon happy; I'm not depressed or such but I just don't get excited about things. Holidays seem like a hassle, most things I do for fun are because I enjoy the activity but it's not necessarily happy endorphins flying off the handle. Stuff like my birthday I'd rather ignore because I don't want to ask for things from people. It's difficult to find happiness working towards a future that you don't know where you want to end up/what you want/etc. I think the closest I am to a goal is finding out what my goal is;.
I wonder if you may have some situational low grade depression going on? You may move on from this step in life and find that a fig is lifted that you hadnít even realized was there.

When I think back on my early 20s my memories are so much the excitement of that time, the giddiness of new love with my boyfriend (now husband), the exploration and play and goofiness.

It wasnít all perfect. School kicked my butt and the transition to a full-time career was hard. Our relationship had bumps in the road. Overall it was such a fun time of life though. I think you deserve the same carefree fun.
« Last Edit: June 28, 2019, 10:35:01 AM by ysette9 »

zoochadookdook

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Iím gonna take this from a different angle.

I love my husband. I love him so much that it is hard for me to imagine how my body would ever find the strength to draw another breath if he died. The happiness I get from our relationship is something I find impossible to describe.

We have other couple friends who I think feel similarly about each other.

Is this how you feel about your friend?

It doesnít seem like you do.

Finding a partner that lights up your world is one of the greatest joys of a human life.

Donít take away your friendís and your chance at a real relationship.


Yeah I mean I enjoy our time together but nothing really makes me over the moon happy; I'm not depressed or such but I just don't get excited about things. Holidays seem like a hassle, most things I do for fun are because I enjoy the activity but it's not necessarily happy endorphins flying off the handle. Stuff like my birthday I'd rather ignore because I don't want to ask for things from people. It's difficult to find happiness working towards a future that you don't know where you want to end up/what you want/etc. I think the closest I am to a goal is finding out what my goal is;.
I wonder if you may have some situational low grade depression going on? You may move on from this step in life and find that a fig is lifted that you hadnít even realized was there.

When I think back on my early 20s my memories are so much the excitement of that time, the giddiness of new love with my boyfriend (now husband), the exploration and play and goofiness.

It wasnít all perfect. School kicked my butt and the transition to a full-time career was hard. Our relationship had bumps in the road. Overall it was such a fun time of lie though. I think you deserve the same carefree fun.

I haven't felt carefree for years. I mean the house was a lot. I was 22/23 and I had basically made enough at the time off a side hustle that involved some stressful situations (visiting pawnshops in the ghetto/situational robberies and such). I figured sure-why not buy a house. It drove me to take the job more seriously and make it work. That's what led me to frugality/financial independence is not wanting to depend on others when a $1000 car bill hits or a such; wanting to be successful enough while financing my own ambitions and such. Somewhere in between I got so caught up in the finances that I ignored my own wants; like all that stuff can wait until I hit my version of FIRE (ideally enough a month just to supplement a free work for myself pursue everything schedule). School sucked but I finished it just to say I did-kind of like a "oh maybe after this my life will magically arrange". When I applied myself it was fine-murdered all the final year of classes in a good way-but the actual motivation was never there.

Cassie

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I disagree with Kbecks advice about not living together. If I had lived with my first 2 husbands I never would have married them. I lived with my third for years before marriage.  Just because you love someone doesnít mean you can live with them. 

Kris

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I disagree with Kbecks advice about not living together. If I had lived with my first 2 husbands I never would have married them. I lived with my third for years before marriage.  Just because you love someone doesnít mean you can live with them.

Living with someone definitely does make breaking up with them harder, though. Breaking leases/dividing up stuff/drastic financial changes, etc. Those hurdles certainly make certain people stay in bad relationships longer than they should. OP is a case in point, for sure.

LifeHappens

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OP, it sounds like you jumped into adult responsibilities way too young. Being a single man in a new city could be just the ticket to help you get some fun back in your life.

ysette9

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OP, it sounds like you jumped into adult responsibilities way too young. Being a single man in a new city could be just the ticket to help you get some fun back in your life.
I completely agree with this. I think some time as a single man, renting, without responsibilities outside of going to work everyday would be wonderful for OPís soul. Go party (in whatever form ďpartyingĒ takes). An ill-conceived camping trip or skinny dipping or getting drunk or doing some international travel or trying totally new cuisines or a one-night stand or or or.... go live!

zoochadookdook

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OP, it sounds like you jumped into adult responsibilities way too young. Being a single man in a new city could be just the ticket to help you get some fun back in your life.

Lol I mean I left for the army the week after high school ended. To my credit being independent always seemed like the goal and is very much my driving factor so circumstantially-it's worked out to allow me to focus on that a bit.

DeepEllumStache

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Wait to put in your two weeks until you have a job offer in writing.
This this this!!!! Do not do anything until you have a signed offer in writing.

It's sound advice. I know I have the offer given my relationship with the family and his position, but don't believe it until you see it!

Asking for salary/start date in writing mean there won't be any awkward surprises plus apartments will use the offer as verification of income before renting.

zoochadookdook

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I disagree with Kbecks advice about not living together. If I had lived with my first 2 husbands I never would have married them. I lived with my third for years before marriage.  Just because you love someone doesnít mean you can live with them.

Living with someone definitely does make breaking up with them harder, though. Breaking leases/dividing up stuff/drastic financial changes, etc. Those hurdles certainly make certain people stay in bad relationships longer than they should. OP is a case in point, for sure.

To elaborate-

If you live with someone it's your home too. If you sell the house-they have to move as well. All the decoration/ideas/furniture they purchased or thoughtfully designed/the memories they have-well that's in the past. It's emotionally tying and some people view a house as a lot more than a dwelling. Personally I could live in a converted travel van but to each their own.

zoochadookdook

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Wait to put in your two weeks until you have a job offer in writing.
This this this!!!! Do not do anything until you have a signed offer in writing.

It's sound advice. I know I have the offer given my relationship with the family and his position, but don't believe it until you see it!

Asking for salary/start date in writing mean there won't be any awkward surprises plus apartments will use the offer as verification of income before renting.

From my understanding, the start would be mainly remote at first/flexible until I could orchestrate the move. The plus of knowing the family is they have room for me at their house (their son is my friend and still lives with them) or a company apartment available. I've lived with the family for a summer before and we have a good dynamic.


BeanCounter

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Iím gonna take this from a different angle.

I love my husband. I love him so much that it is hard for me to imagine how my body would ever find the strength to draw another breath if he died. The happiness I get from our relationship is something I find impossible to describe.

We have other couple friends who I think feel similarly about each other.

Is this how you feel about your friend?

It doesnít seem like you do.

Finding a partner that lights up your world is one of the greatest joys of a human life.

Donít take away your friendís and your chance at a real relationship.


Yeah I mean I enjoy our time together but nothing really makes me over the moon happy; I'm not depressed or such but I just don't get excited about things. Holidays seem like a hassle, most things I do for fun are because I enjoy the activity but it's not necessarily happy endorphins flying off the handle. Stuff like my birthday I'd rather ignore because I don't want to ask for things from people. It's difficult to find happiness working towards a future that you don't know where you want to end up/what you want/etc. I think the closest I am to a goal is finding out what my goal is;.
I wonder if you may have some situational low grade depression going on? You may move on from this step in life and find that a fig is lifted that you hadnít even realized was there.

When I think back on my early 20s my memories are so much the excitement of that time, the giddiness of new love with my boyfriend (now husband), the exploration and play and goofiness.

It wasnít all perfect. School kicked my butt and the transition to a full-time career was hard. Our relationship had bumps in the road. Overall it was such a fun time of lie though. I think you deserve the same carefree fun.

I haven't felt carefree for years. I mean the house was a lot. I was 22/23 and I had basically made enough at the time off a side hustle that involved some stressful situations (visiting pawnshops in the ghetto/situational robberies and such). I figured sure-why not buy a house. It drove me to take the job more seriously and make it work. That's what led me to frugality/financial independence is not wanting to depend on others when a $1000 car bill hits or a such; wanting to be successful enough while financing my own ambitions and such. Somewhere in between I got so caught up in the finances that I ignored my own wants; like all that stuff can wait until I hit my version of FIRE (ideally enough a month just to supplement a free work for myself pursue everything schedule). School sucked but I finished it just to say I did-kind of like a "oh maybe after this my life will magically arrange". When I applied myself it was fine-murdered all the final year of classes in a good way-but the actual motivation was never there.

I really think some travel could really help you. It sounds like you settled down into suburban life way too soon without giving yourself the opportunity to see what else is out there. You just did what you knew, what you thought you were supposed to do. There are so many other ways to live life. Some people never marry, never buy a house. Some live in big cities. Some in a Yurt in the wilderness. Some travel picking up work where they can. You need to figure out what makes you happy.

And for goodness sakes, have sex. It really is part of being happy.

ysette9

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I disagree with Kbecks advice about not living together. If I had lived with my first 2 husbands I never would have married them. I lived with my third for years before marriage.  Just because you love someone doesnít mean you can live with them.

Living with someone definitely does make breaking up with them harder, though. Breaking leases/dividing up stuff/drastic financial changes, etc. Those hurdles certainly make certain people stay in bad relationships longer than they should. OP is a case in point, for sure.

To elaborate-

If you live with someone it's your home too. If you sell the house-they have to move as well. All the decoration/ideas/furniture they purchased or thoughtfully designed/the memories they have-well that's in the past. It's emotionally tying and some people view a house as a lot more than a dwelling. Personally I could live in a converted travel van but to each their own.
To a certain extent I agree with you. But I think we can all see that there is a difference in the level of ďhomeĒ between someone renting a room with a bunch of random housemates and, say, finding a new apartment with a SO that you split together and choose furniture together and whatnot. Iím her case she is much closer to the first scenario than the latter, the difference being that she wasnít even paying rent, so you could argue that her hold on the ďhomeĒ was even more tenuous.

Anyway, it is neither here nor there. You give notice, she moves, you sell, life goes on. You are being more than considerate to her feelings.

Roots&Wings

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From my understanding, the start would be mainly remote at first/flexible until I could orchestrate the move. The plus of knowing the family is they have room for me at their house (their son is my friend and still lives with them) or a company apartment available. I've lived with the family for a summer before and we have a good dynamic.

This all sounds really, really positive. Very exciting for you!

kei te pai

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Please please go! Stay with your friends, because you are used to day to day companionship. But as you embrace your new life, start planning for more independence. The world is so full of opportunity and waiting for you to find it.

sol

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The world is so full of opportunity and waiting for you to find it.

Also good sex.  It's literally everywhere you look.  You're kid in a candy store still sucking on last night's broccoli.

Malkynn

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The world is so full of opportunity and waiting for you to find it.

Also good sex.  It's literally everywhere you look.  You're kid in a candy store still sucking on last night's broccoli.

Oh fuck...that's a funny line.

BicycleB

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Sol's ability to find a pithy hilarious summary knows no bounds. Except those of (ahem) good taste.  ;)
« Last Edit: June 28, 2019, 11:23:16 PM by BicycleB »

Candace

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The world is so full of opportunity and waiting for you to find it.

Also good sex.  It's literally everywhere you look.  You're kid in a candy store still sucking on last night's broccoli.
Seriously. There's no reason to spend your youth in a dry state when there's wetness, wetness everywhere. Go experiment. You won't believe the amazing things that'll happen.

Irishtache

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Fuck dude, RUN! 734 posts? FFS, this 'relationship' is never gonna make you happy! Move and move on! I mean this kindly for both of you. Ken

Elle 8

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...

On the other hand I'd kick myself in the teeth if I didn't take it. 99% sure I'm taking it-arranging for a flight the 12-14 just to visit the area and see the company and I guess we'll see how everything goes from there after I give my answer.

So you're there now i assume.  Please let us know how it goes.

OurTown

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Wow.  I hope this guy takes the job and moves on.  What I'm afraid will happen is he comes home with sad puppy dog eyes, she invites him to her bed, they have sex for the first time in 6 years and she gets pregnant.  Oops.

ysette9

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Wow.  I hope this guy takes the job and moves on.  What I'm afraid will happen is he comes home with sad puppy dog eyes, she invites him to her bed, they have sex for the first time in 6 years and she gets pregnant.  Oops.
Yep. We are all afraid of that.

davisgang90

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I feel like he's been stringing us along for 7 years in this thread.  Good Lord!

BicycleB

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I feel like he's been stringing us along for 7 years in this thread.  Good Lord!

Interesting thought.

The thread has actually been going for over 7 weeks. Over 14 weeks, in fact. That's about 4% of the length of the relationship itself. Also, presumably over 1% of the gentleman's life.


Sibley

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Paging @zoochadookdook  - how's everything going?

zoochadookdook

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Hey ya'll sitting in the airport right now: some thoughts.

The job is good. The area meh; obviously it's not what I know/am used to. I'm actually shocked how much more uncomfortable I felt when actually thinking about the whole moving process than I've been saying. It's obviously a lot to  go from what you know to something completely different.

I should have an offer on company paper in the next day or 2. I stayed with my 2 buddies (one of them has the CIO father). We checked out downtown (touristy) and the office (right on the riverwalk downtown). Went to some bars and all that. The father gave me the down low on how it's a position that would have lots of room for advancement and I'd be working with the son very closely. The son is a good friend but he does have attitude issues (must always be right/hates to lose in anything etc) so that may be a factor I hadn't considered.

The girlfriend and I talked before leaving. Kind of the same deal. She said she feels like she's just sticking around hoping I'll see how happy we are and such and I stated I want intamcy in a relationship to be happy, and of course, she says how could she feel that not knowing about the future. Also if i did decide to go I'd be basically ending the relationship (because without commitment she's going to stay here and yeah) We've texted and such while I'm away and just talked about our days and such. I think once I get this written offer I have to tell them by the end of the week. I still don't know what pay would be exactly (both my friends were there and one makes less so I didn't bring it up)

I guess overall I'm just a lot more afraid/have actualized this is a big deal and change. I miss the dogs, the house, her; but I also understand the kind of opportunity it is. Big pluses would be pay, huge room for advancement, flexibility to work a few days remote etc.

Anyways thanks for checking in. Have a consoling apt tomorrow evening as well to go over it.

ysette9

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Thanks for checking in. Iím glad to hear that the job opportunity sounds as good as it does. It probably isnít perfect but it seems like such a big step up from the rut you are in now that I think you should embrace it. Even if you spend two years there and find it isnít the right career fit your resume will be much stronger for having made the move and diversifying your experience.

I wish you strength and courage in getting to the point of ripping off the bandaid with your friend. You are just stuck on the same old hamster wheel and I think you know that. Keep us posted. We are rooting for you.

BicycleB

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I guess overall I'm just a lot more afraid/have actualized this is a big deal and change.

You'll feel less afraid after you move.

If you stay, you will live in your fears. If you move, you will conquer them.

runbikerun

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"I want intamcy in a relationship to be happy, and of course, she says how could she feel that not knowing about the future."

Millions of people a day - hell, probably a billion or more - feel sexual desire on a daily basis without knowing about the future.

Having no sexual desire because you don't know what the future holds is not a normal or healthy thing. It's not a reasonable starting point for a discussion, and the fact that she keeps going back to it is really not good. She's clearly not interested at all in working through whatever issues she has, but instead wants you to fix it for her by marrying her and being happy without a sex life - because that way she gets everything she wants and doesn't have to do anything.

End the relationship. Sell the house. Take the job.

former player

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I suspect that however afraid of change you are, your roommate is even more afraid of change, which is why she has been clinging so hard to a non-functioning relationship for the last 7 years.

I think you have the courage to make this leap and that it will be the best thing for both of you that either of you could do.

Good luck.

Omy

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Runbikerun is completely correct on this. People sleep with strangers - and with people they see no future with - because it's biologically programmed into us to want sex. If she's happy and healthy and in her 20's and won't have sex with you when she sleeps in your bed every day, this is unlikely to improve with marriage or commitment. The only exceptions I see to this is that she might initiate sex in desperation (in an attempt to keep you around) or when she wants to get pregnant.

Change is always hard, but we ALL urge you to take this next step. The universe is gifting you a chance to start over and explore a new life. If you hate it, come back in a year or two with a big upgrade to the resume. My guess is that after the first month or two, you will realize what you've been missing and will start to build a life around your needs and interests instead of somebody else's.

Candace

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I guess overall I'm just a lot more afraid/have actualized this is a big deal and change.

You'll feel less afraid after you move.

If you stay, you will live in your fears. If you move, you will conquer them.

Well put. True and succinct.

partgypsy

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"I want intamcy in a relationship to be happy, and of course, she says how could she feel that not knowing about the future."

Millions of people a day - hell, probably a billion or more - feel sexual desire on a daily basis without knowing about the future.

Having no sexual desire because you don't know what the future holds is not a normal or healthy thing. It's not a reasonable starting point for a discussion, and the fact that she keeps going back to it is really not good. She's clearly not interested at all in working through whatever issues she has, but instead wants you to fix it for her by marrying her and being happy without a sex life - because that way she gets everything she wants and doesn't have to do anything.

End the relationship. Sell the house. Take the job.

Yeah. If the world was ending, many people would turn to the person they feel the most close to, to hold onto, hell make love to, have that intimacy before the world ended. And this is not even the world ending, but simply uncertainty.

7 years is a long time. You have a lot of domestic intimacy, and that is not nothing. You are making the right decision breaking this off due to fundamental incompatibilities, but it's perfectly normal and natural to have feelings of loss and mourning over this change as well, and to acknowledge them.