Author Topic: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married. Any Counselors?  (Read 40871 times)

RetiredAt63

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Take the job.  Rent the house out.  Having a bit of distance from your roommate will help you sort out whether you really want to be partners long-term.

To quote the wisdom of the ages (otherwise known as clichťs)

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight out of mind.

If you take this new job (which sounds like a definite improvement) you will also see which clichť applies to your situation.  Do you miss each other like mad?  Or is the drifting apart accelerated?

partgypsy

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maybe this is the universe telling you something.

ysette9

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maybe this is the universe telling you something.
Like minds :)

BicycleB

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I highly urge you to take the job and sell the house.

FIRE Artist

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I think owning it and having the ability to relocate back here would be a plus though.

You will always have the ability to move back, home ownership has nothing to do with it. Sell the house.

Linea_Norway

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Keeping the house as a long distance rental is complicating your job as a landlord. You will need someone (technical) to run it for you. Also, it might give your roommate the impression that she could keep living there (for free?). Better to make it obvious that she should move out by selling it. She will be free to find someone who wants marriage and baby and you will be free to explore your own life.

former player

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50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
Paul Simon


The problem is all inside your head, she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover

She said it's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
But I repeat myself, at the risk of being cruel
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover, fifty ways to leave your lover

Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy, just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free

Ooh slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan
Don't need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus, you don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free

She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
I said, I appreciate that, then would you please explain about the fifty ways

She said, why don't we both just sleep on it tonight
And I believe, in the morning you'll begin to see the light
And then she kissed me and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover, fifty ways to leave your lover

You just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy, just get yourself free
Or you hop on the bus, Gus, you don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free

Slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus, you don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABXtWqmArUU

tyrannostache

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OK, zoochadookdook, there are now 14 pages of people giving you the same advice. I'm not sure how much one more post will help, but I'm going to try.

When I was not too far from your age (20-24), I was in a relationship a that reminds me of yours. Not exactly the same, but close. It was not particularly healthy. We had wildly incompatible ideas about what the future and what our relationship looked like. I clung to this relationship desperately. At the time, though, it didn't feel like desperation. It felt like loyalty. It felt like being a Good Girlfriend. After all, we loved each other. That should be enough, right? Why would we ever give up on that? What would life be like if I gave up on someone I loved? I twisted myself up in knots to make it work. I gave up things that I wanted and needed emotionally just on the hope that we could stay together. We talked and talked and talked and talked about how "complicated" and "special" our relationship was. All the people who were advising us to split up just didn't really understand the complexities. Sound familiar?

It took him doing something really shitty to break my illusion once and for all. I'm so grateful for that, because it forced me finally to let go.

It was scary. It was lonely. And it was the best thing I could have done. I had never felt so FREE. I wish for you to feel that freedom, OP.

A couple of years later, I met someone new (well, sort of. It was actually an ongoing friendship that turned into something more). A few weeks into it, we both knew that this. was. it. The certainty I felt about this relationship was so different from what I had felt before. It was like a revelation--that love really could be simple, that you could just be crazy about each other in every way, and you could go forward together without ultimatums, without fear, without compromising your needs. Yeah, there's compromise on the small stuff, but at the core, we're focused on making sure we're taking care of each other and helping each other to be better, always.

I wish for both you and your GF to experience that feeling, OP.

Be kind.

End it.

For both of your sakes. You both deserve to experience that kind of uncomplicated love.

La Bibliotecaria Feroz

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I have been following this thread but haven't commented yet because other people are saying it so well. But I really hope you decide to take the job.

I was married 15 years (from ages 20-35) and of course it was scary to be out on my own after all that time. It was also great. I want that for you and her.

When we were in our mid- to late-20s, my ex and I really should have admitted that we'd made a mistake and gone our separate ways. But we didn't. On my end, yes, this is partly because I wanted to have a baby. We had 2. Now, of course I don't want to go back in time and un-have my children, but you have the power to make a different, easier, less painful life for yourselves.

Splitting up is hard. But if you do it now, you will never be simultaneously crying and cleaning up vomit because your kid ate too much and was overexcited about the handoff and threw up all over everything, and now they're gone for two months with their other parent.

TL;dr: I was once a woman in my 20s who kind of knew that my relationship was bad but was ignoring that because I wanted a baby, and my ex would have done both of us a kindness in the long run if he had split.

Good luck!

tyort1

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Experienced people give advice and young people ignore it.  Then the young people go through hell and gain experience.  Thatís how young people become experienced people.  And they are now in a position to give advice to the next generation, which is promptly ignored.  Rinse-repeat, ad infinitum.

La Bibliotecaria Feroz

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Experienced people give advice and young people ignore it.  Then the young people go through hell and gain experience.  Thatís how young people become experienced people.  And they are now in a position to give advice to the next generation, which is promptly ignored.  Rinse-repeat, ad infinitum.

On the one hand, this is true. On the other hand, I think there have been times in my life when a brief, well-timed word has helped me make a good decision.

Plus, at least he asked :-).

partgypsy

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Don't worry,old people make mistakes too.

tyort1

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Experienced people give advice and young people ignore it.  Then the young people go through hell and gain experience.  Thatís how young people become experienced people.  And they are now in a position to give advice to the next generation, which is promptly ignored.  Rinse-repeat, ad infinitum.

On the one hand, this is true. On the other hand, I think there have been times in my life when a brief, well-timed word has helped me make a good decision.

Plus, at least he asked :-).

So true!  Reminds me of that great observation by Will Rogers:

There are three kinds of people. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

bridget

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I have been following this thread but haven't commented yet because other people are saying it so well. But I really hope you decide to take the job.

I was married 15 years (from ages 20-35) and of course it was scary to be out on my own after all that time. It was also great. I want that for you and her.

When we were in our mid- to late-20s, my ex and I really should have admitted that we'd made a mistake and gone our separate ways. But we didn't. On my end, yes, this is partly because I wanted to have a baby. We had 2. Now, of course I don't want to go back in time and un-have my children, but you have the power to make a different, easier, less painful life for yourselves.

Splitting up is hard. But if you do it now, you will never be simultaneously crying and cleaning up vomit because your kid ate too much and was overexcited about the handoff and threw up all over everything, and now they're gone for two months with their other parent.

TL;dr: I was once a woman in my 20s who kind of knew that my relationship was bad but was ignoring that because I wanted a baby, and my ex would have done both of us a kindness in the long run if he had split.

Good luck!

+1

I am a woman in my late twenties who was married for 10 years to someone where I kind of knew the relationship was bad but it was scary to leave and more comfortable to depend on it.  It also involved the enormous hurdle of trying to get over infidelity (which even if successful, leaves major wounds and trust issues that as you've seen, echo for a very long time), sexual incompatibility, and mismatched life goals.  He eventually pulled the bandaid off and insisted that we weren't going to be happy together no matter how hard we tried, and he was right and did me a kindness.  Once it was over (like REALLY over, not "let's try this separation thing and be friends in each others' lives") it was immense relief and almost an overnight cure to what I thought was constant, low-level depression.  Turns out my main relationship was just at a constant, low-level of mediocre to bad.  I used to cry 3-4x a week, and now I can't remember the last time I cried; it's probably been 6 months.  It was a 180 degree turnaround in daily happiness being single, which has only improved since starting to date a nice guy who is a much better match for me in almost every way.  I don't even know if this new guy is the "for the long haul guy" - he could very well be a good one-year boyfriend for all I know, and it's STILL 1000% better than my ten year marriage.  Trust me, you lose all perspective about what is a good relationship after being in a bad one for this long, and you will be constantly surprised how great it is on the other side.

Please break this off and build separate lives, untangling as much as you can.  You fucked up a long time ago, but you don't have to wear the hair shirt of staying in a bad relationship as penance, because it helps nobody, including her.

marty998

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Experienced people give advice and young people ignore it.  Then the young people go through hell and gain experience.  Thatís how young people become experienced people.  And they are now in a position to give advice to the next generation, which is promptly ignored.  Rinse-repeat, ad infinitum.

On the one hand, this is true. On the other hand, I think there have been times in my life when a brief, well-timed word has helped me make a good decision.

Plus, at least he asked :-).

So true!  Reminds me of that great observation by Will Rogers:

There are three kinds of people. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Similar, but not quite similar to this quote, I once read one that said the three types of people are "those that make it happen, those that let it happen, and those that wonder what the hell happened".

Make the choice, and don't be #3.

Captain FIRE

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You were worried about getting a better job that paid more, to feel more financially secure. 
--> You were offered a job with a fantastic pay and advancement opportunities that would jumpstart your career, saving you YEARS of getting to that point elsewhere.  You even already have friends there so you're not starting from scratch.

You have discussed ad nauseam that you and your girl/friend have different wants/priorities that are not compatible and you ought/want to break up, but neither of you is willing to do actually it so your limbo and holding pattern continues with neither of you happier than you were months ago when this was hiding under the rug. 
--> Yes, breaking up now and moving WOULD make a tough decision an easier transition, absolutely.  Don't let her guilt you that you shouldn't do it if you want to because it's easy, as it sounds like she was doing from the other thread.  (Such a weird idea that you would want it to be hard rather than an easy end.  Would you tell a friend that their divorce needed/ought to be hard?)  And, watching from you on the sidelines, it has been hard!)  https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/masochism

You don't particularly like your house.
--> The new job is a perfect opportunity to sell your house and have your friend move out onto her own, into her new life/new start as well.  If you decide you want to move back (after having gained great work experience), you can rent (leaving you able to come back on a dime at any point), or buy something you like better.

What am I missing?  What's holding you back?

If nothing else, you could even consider moving and having a long-distance relationship.  With distance you can get clarity.  As someone else said, does absence make the heart grow fonder (despite not having your needs met) or do you grow apart?

Barbaebigode

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Long distance relationships are great catalysts for break ups. If you don't have the balls or the resoluteness to break up, a long distance relationship might do the trick.

Roots&Wings

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What am I missing?  What's holding you back?

The dogs?

Absolutely a cross country move is a lot to coordinate. But, it's done all time, and this can all be worked out if you want it to.

zoochadookdook

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Yeah I mean so she's mentioned she wouldn't mind moving if she knew we were going forward towards marriage so obviously that's a conflict of interest.

From a job standpoint, you can't ask for much more of a leg up. Paid for certs, starting good base salary, a few friends in the company working directly with, etc.

The girlfriend is a tipping point. Staying together and moving isn't working unless I agree to the conditions (kids in a few years etc) which I can't seem to figure out. Staying together short term at distance may be an option but I'm guessing commitment to moving would be a catalyst towards all that. Already she's been looking for options for jobs up here/other ways I can work remote etc. I think the thing that sucks is just her perspective I would choose this job over my life here. 

On the other hand I'd kick myself in the teeth if I didn't take it. 99% sure I'm taking it-arranging for a flight the 12-14 just to visit the area and see the company and I guess we'll see how everything goes from there after I give my answer.

Kris

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Yeah I mean so she's mentioned she wouldn't mind moving if she knew we were going forward towards marriage so obviously that's a conflict of interest.

From a job standpoint, you can't ask for much more of a leg up. Paid for certs, starting good base salary, a few friends in the company working directly with, etc.

The girlfriend is a tipping point. Staying together and moving isn't working unless I agree to the conditions (kids in a few years etc) which I can't seem to figure out. Staying together short term at distance may be an option but I'm guessing commitment to moving would be a catalyst towards all that. Already she's been looking for options for jobs up here/other ways I can work remote etc. I think the thing that sucks is just her perspective I would choose this job over my life here. 

On the other hand I'd kick myself in the teeth if I didn't take it. 99% sure I'm taking it-arranging for a flight the 12-14 just to visit the area and see the company and I guess we'll see how everything goes from there after I give my answer.

Hold up.

1) "Yeah I mean so she's mentioned she wouldn't mind moving if she knew we were going forward towards marriage so obviously that's a conflict of interest."

Why is she even discussing that? Have you actually INVITED her to move with you? If so, are you nuts???

2) "Already she's been looking for options for jobs up here/other ways I can work remote etc."

Ugh. UGH. UGH!!!!!! WHY IS SHE DOING THIS???? It is not her decision!!!

3) "I think the thing that sucks is just her perspective I would choose this job over my life here."

Well, you would be. Which is a GOOD thing. You are young and should be living for yourself. Not living for what she wants. Which is pretty much what you have been doing up until now.

Cool Friend

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Staying together and moving isn't working unless I agree to the conditions (kids in a few years etc) which I can't seem to figure out.

No, she thinks you haven't figured it out because she hasn't cajoled you into a "yes," yet.  "Not knowing" if you want marriage and kids is a "No." You've figured it out: the answer is no.  She wants you to believe that your "no" means you don't know yet (because the only acceptable answer for her is yes) which is manipulative and abusive.

Don't you see what's happening here?  First it was no sex unless you agree to marry her, now it's no advancing your career unless you agree to marry her?

Jesus christ, dude.

ysette9

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You need to be really clear with her that you donít want marriage and kids with her at this point and that you do not see yourself changing your mind any time soon. You also need to be really clear that she needs to live her life and pursue the opportunity that she has for her new job where she is already. Meaning, you need to be really clear that if you take this job you will be moving alone.

To not be clear with her would be mean. You need to stop that train in the tracks because it will just get harder and harder to do the right thing the longer you wait.

Oh please rip off this bandaid.

Omy

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I feel like I'm watching a train wreck in slow motion...get off the train before it crashes!!!

ysette9

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Like a horror movie where everyone in the theater is yelling at the character on the screen because they can see what is coming but the character doesnít? ;-)

Omy

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Yep. Cue scary music.

J Boogie

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Nah. Not scary music. Credits music, after we see the scene where he's riding a train, writing in his journal the ending monologue of the movie as we zoom out and see the train get smaller and smaller on its way out west. Flash to his ex, who is gathering the last of her things and saying a wistful, yet hopeful goodbye to their old life together as she embraces her own future.


kei te pai

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So, say you stay. Turn down the job. Marry your friend. Do you really think this would EVER be a healthy happy relationship?
The patterns of relating and resolving differences will just be more embedded. She is not respectful of your point of view. You know this. And you will resent the lost opportunities and the life you might have had.

Malkynn

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So, say you stay. Turn down the job. Marry your friend. Do you really think this would EVER be a healthy happy relationship?
The patterns of relating and resolving differences will just be more embedded. She is not respectful of your point of view. You know this. And you will resent the lost opportunities and the life you might have had.

That's not what he's hesitating about, he's hesitating about promising her marriage and kids and bringing her along with him.
However, if the move doesn't turn out to be the "perfect" opportunity, then he doesn't have to worry so much about committing to her, because then he could just stay in the insane holding pattern where he doesn't actually have to make a decision.

Cool Friend

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Or say you take the job and bring her with you.  She will expect marriage and babies, quid pro quo.  Either 1) you will acquiesce, not being sure that it's something you want right now, and become legally bound to her and bound to the responsibility of raising children.  Unless your sex life suddenly raises from the crypt like Dracula and your relationship completely transforms, you will develop a poisonous resentment for her which will inevitably destroy the relationship. However now it's worse, because divorce is messy and damaging to children....  or 2) After moving you will still be "unsure" about wanting marriage and children right now, and her own resentment for not getting what she wanted after sacrificing her new job and way of life will build poisonously, which will inevitably destroy the relationship.

ysette9

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Nah. Not scary music. Credits music, after we see the scene where he's riding a train, writing in his journal the ending monologue of the movie as we zoom out and see the train get smaller and smaller on its way out west. Flash to his ex, who is gathering the last of her things and saying a wistful, yet hopeful goodbye to their old life together as she embraces her own future.
I like this vision.

And between credits we get a couple of sentences of updates from a few years down the line where we see that both are doing great, better than before, and found happiness in a way they hadnít imagined possible.

La Bibliotecaria Feroz

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You don't need her permission to break up.

Yes, you WOULD be choosing a new life over the life you have with her. Because the life you have with her isn't good. I am very sympathetic to her, too, and I don't even know your GF. The things she says often sound like things I might have said at a similar age. But you don't need to convince her.

I honestly think that if you break up with her, she will find someone that she wants to have sex with and who wants to have babies with her faster than either of you think, and you will make a good new life for yourself.

When you have only had one relationship as an adult, it's hard to see how fucked up it is. I am still surprised sometimes by how good a good relationship is.

BicycleB

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I just had a new idea.

You should move, take the job, and tell her you'll decide later what to do about her.

Then when you meet some hot woman in San Antonio, start having exciting rolls in the hay with the new flame.

fuzzy math

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Ghost her, move your stuff out and put the house on the market while she's gone... It worked for my ex-BIL at least :-/

marble_faun

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Yeah I mean so she's mentioned she wouldn't mind moving if she knew we were going forward towards marriage so obviously that's a conflict of interest.

From a job standpoint, you can't ask for much more of a leg up. Paid for certs, starting good base salary, a few friends in the company working directly with, etc.

The girlfriend is a tipping point. Staying together and moving isn't working unless I agree to the conditions (kids in a few years etc) which I can't seem to figure out. Staying together short term at distance may be an option but I'm guessing commitment to moving would be a catalyst towards all that. Already she's been looking for options for jobs up here/other ways I can work remote etc. I think the thing that sucks is just her perspective I would choose this job over my life here. 

On the other hand I'd kick myself in the teeth if I didn't take it. 99% sure I'm taking it-arranging for a flight the 12-14 just to visit the area and see the company and I guess we'll see how everything goes from there after I give my answer.


ahhhhhh!

The cosmos has smiled upon you, giving you the perfect opportunity to transform your life all at once. 

Why do you need to agree to any conditions?  Or suffer through more guilt trips about marriage and other life-commitments you don't want to make? 

It's time to say your goodbyes, pack up, and go. 

The future is bright!

RetiredAt63

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I just had a thought about your GF's lack of libido, which she thinks is due to her BC method.  If you take the job and she doesn't move with you, she does not need to be on BC (not sure why she is on it now since you two are not having sex anyway).  She can go off it with no worries about pregnancy.  Then she can see if she recovers (or develops) a libido.  Of course this may not work - because 1. she needs the BC for medical, not pregnancy control, reasons (and if so, why has she talked about being willing to go off it?), or 2. she is asexual.  If she is asexual, she is never going to be interested in sex with you, so maybe this is something she should figure out now?  If she does develop a libido, this may let her realise that it is you she is not hot about, not men in general. In which case a better life opens up for both of you.

Seriously,  you worry so much about her, but this present situation hurts her as much as it hurts you, just not in as obvious a way.  If you really care about her so much, set her free to find a partner that suits her better.  I really mean this, my Ex (we were married a long time) didn't want me to leave, but he has a new partner now and they are much better suited to each other than we were.

In other words, GO and on your own!!!!!

zoochadookdook

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I just had a new idea.

You should move, take the job, and tell her you'll decide later what to do about her.

Then when you meet some hot woman in San Antonio, start having exciting rolls in the hay with the new flame.

Lol. I enjoy spring rolls and pulled pork on rolls. 'bout it

zoochadookdook

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I just had a thought about your GF's lack of libido, which she thinks is due to her BC method.  If you take the job and she doesn't move with you, she does not need to be on BC (not sure why she is on it now since you two are not having sex anyway).  She can go off it with no worries about pregnancy.  Then she can see if she recovers (or develops) a libido.  Of course this may not work - because 1. she needs the BC for medical, not pregnancy control, reasons (and if so, why has she talked about being willing to go off it?), or 2. she is asexual.  If she is asexual, she is never going to be interested in sex with you, so maybe this is something she should figure out now?  If she does develop a libido, this may let her realise that it is you she is not hot about, not men in general. In which case a better life opens up for both of you.

Seriously,  you worry so much about her, but this present situation hurts her as much as it hurts you, just not in as obvious a way.  If you really care about her so much, set her free to find a partner that suits her better.  I really mean this, my Ex (we were married a long time) didn't want me to leave, but he has a new partner now and they are much better suited to each other than we were.

In other words, GO and on your own!!!!!


She's been off it for several months now. She mentioned she has spurts of a libido but obviously due to wanting to wait for a future marital commitment and such combined with my perceived guilt at pressure to arrive at that conclusion if we were to engage in such acts-nothing doing. Prior she was on BC for period regulation and such.

She's definitely told me she's stressed as it feels like her life is a result of my choices going forward.

Kris

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I just had a thought about your GF's lack of libido, which she thinks is due to her BC method.  If you take the job and she doesn't move with you, she does not need to be on BC (not sure why she is on it now since you two are not having sex anyway).  She can go off it with no worries about pregnancy.  Then she can see if she recovers (or develops) a libido.  Of course this may not work - because 1. she needs the BC for medical, not pregnancy control, reasons (and if so, why has she talked about being willing to go off it?), or 2. she is asexual.  If she is asexual, she is never going to be interested in sex with you, so maybe this is something she should figure out now?  If she does develop a libido, this may let her realise that it is you she is not hot about, not men in general. In which case a better life opens up for both of you.

Seriously,  you worry so much about her, but this present situation hurts her as much as it hurts you, just not in as obvious a way.  If you really care about her so much, set her free to find a partner that suits her better.  I really mean this, my Ex (we were married a long time) didn't want me to leave, but he has a new partner now and they are much better suited to each other than we were.

In other words, GO and on your own!!!!!


She's been off it for several months now. She mentioned she has spurts of a libido but obviously due to wanting to wait for a future marital commitment and such combined with my perceived guilt at pressure to arrive at that conclusion if we were to engage in such acts-nothing doing. Prior she was on BC for period regulation and such.

She's definitely told me she's stressed as it feels like her life is a result of my choices going forward.

Sooooo.... you still haven't had sex?

Man, see the writing on the wall. End it.

zoochadookdook

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Anyways I'm going to talk to her this weekend about it. I need to book the flight down there and start making moves in the current job and life and jazz if i'm going down there and can't really put it off any longer.

LifeHappens

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She's definitely told me she's stressed as it feels like her life is a result of my choices going forward.
That is complete and utter bullshit.

marble_faun

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She's definitely told me she's stressed as it feels like her life is a result of my choices going forward.

This is not true.  With you out of the picture, she will have opportunities for her own personal growth and development.

My impression is that y'all are both a bit stunted from this relationship.   Apologies for the cliched phrase, but she needs to "find herself" just as much as you do.  Breaking up will be good for both of you in the end.

Roots&Wings

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Anyways I'm going to talk to her this weekend about it. I need to book the flight down there and start making moves in the current job and life and jazz if i'm going down there and can't really put it off any longer.

Excellent update! Book that flight. Probably the kindest thing you can tell her is that you want her to be happy (not stressed), and you cannot give her what she wants to be happy (commitment, marriage, kids).

Psychstache

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She's definitely told me she's stressed as it feels like her life is a result of my choices going forward.

This is not true.  With you out of the picture, she will have opportunities for her own personal growth and development.

My impression is that y'all are both a bit stunted from this relationship.   Apologies for the cliched phrase, but she needs to "find herself" just as much as you do.  Breaking up will be good for both of you in the end.

Yeah, perfect manifestation of co-dependency. Tell the roommate to pack her bags and get the house on the market. In 1 year you will both look back and be embarrassed that you both put up with this arrangement for so long.

zoochadookdook

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She's definitely told me she's stressed as it feels like her life is a result of my choices going forward.
That is complete and utter bullshit.

Well consider. If I move I sell the house. She lives in the house. Even if we were set on being married in x amount of time etc etc-I can see how a place she's made a home and become attatched to being discarded would be unsettling.

MonkeyJenga

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She's definitely told me she's stressed as it feels like her life is a result of my choices going forward.
That is complete and utter bullshit.

Well consider. If I move I sell the house. She lives in the house. Even if we were set on being married in x amount of time etc etc-I can see how a place she's made a home and become attatched to being discarded would be unsettling.

Your lives are the products of both of your choices. She refused to have sex with you and is still choosing not to, despite getting some libido back. You refused to get married and have kids, and are still choosing not to.

If you said once she has sex with you regularly, she's welcome to move with you and get married, then everything's due to her choice not to have sex. Except that would be gross and manipulative of you. Her version is gross and manipulative too.

BeanCounter

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She's definitely told me she's stressed as it feels like her life is a result of my choices going forward.
That is complete and utter bullshit.

Well consider. If I move I sell the house. She lives in the house. Even if we were set on being married in x amount of time etc etc-I can see how a place she's made a home and become attatched to being discarded would be unsettling.
She should have never "made a home" or become attached to a place for which she was not contributing.
You aren't married. She wasn't paying half the bills (was she?). Hell, she wasn't even sleeping with you.

This relationship is very bad. Run.

partgypsy

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She's definitely told me she's stressed as it feels like her life is a result of my choices going forward.
That is complete and utter bullshit.

Well consider. If I move I sell the house. She lives in the house. Even if we were set on being married in x amount of time etc etc-I can see how a place she's made a home and become attatched to being discarded would be unsettling.

Yes it may be unsettling, but it's life too. What are you going to do, continue to give her a place to live for the rest of her life regardless of your relationship status? You know how crazy that sounds? You don't owe her a place to live.

bridget

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She's definitely told me she's stressed as it feels like her life is a result of my choices going forward.
That is complete and utter bullshit.

Well consider. If I move I sell the house. She lives in the house. Even if we were set on being married in x amount of time etc etc-I can see how a place she's made a home and become attatched to being discarded would be unsettling.

I am sympathetic to her and don't think it's bullshit, but breakups are unsettling and stressful, as are strained and fragile relationships.  That sucks, but the only way out is through.  You can and should continue to be sympathetic to her feelings -- but by realizing that the kindest way to approach her and her feelings is not be just doing nothing because doing something will be hard, but instead to clearly and compassionately break up with her, as cleanly as you can.  It's unpleasant, but the alternative (letting things drag on and on) is worse. 

I was in her shoes, and I know how she feels.  Better to get it over with (amicably and compassionately, but clearly).

La Bibliotecaria Feroz

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I had to move out and find a new place to live when I got divorced. It was actually kind of great to have my own place. I know, it feels jerky to do, and my ex and I had the advantage of being in agreement that breaking up was best for us, but... this shit happens. You can be generous with the move-out timeline if you like (but with a firm deadline), but this is a thing that people have to manage.

DeepEllumStache

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And you are again letting her manipulate and guilt you into putting her needs well before your own.

Breakups are stressful. That is life. But they are shorter lived and less stressful overall than your current relationship situation.

You donít owe her a marriage just so she can avoid stress. You donít owe her to put your career on the back burner so she can avoid stress. You donít owe her indefinite free housing so she can avoid stress. You donít owe her anything other than a reasonable period to find a new place to live and move out. One month is more than enough time in this situation.