Author Topic: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married. Any Counselors?  (Read 66043 times)

BicycleB

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Excellent answer, my friend. As someone posted upthread, you are indeed shifting your mindset.

That really is how you feel. It's just hard to be certain while someone who desparately wants you to feel something different is constantly bullying, gaslighting, and manipulating you. Especially since you've never been in a real relationship before.

Since it's how you really feel, the only way to make anything work is to end the relationship.


PS. For what it's worth, I think you're going to have to kick her out of your house. My suggestion would be email her a note that says "(Not-fiancee name), I do not want to live with you any more. Please move out of my house by (date of one month from now)." Then post a copy on her bedroom door and take a photo. That's basically how evictions begin in some jurisdictions. You're probably going to have to be direct and instruct her to move out.

Oh man i think that'd be like worst case scenario. She would accept a break up and move out. She's currently staying at her fathers by choice. If by some reason it actually came to that I could see that as an option but jeez.

How would you present this break up?

Villanelle

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Hang in there.  This is going to hurt, and it's probably better to be prepared for that, so that you don't call her in a few days or weeks, in a moment of weakness.  Just know that eventually, you'll realized you gone an hour without thinking about her.  And then it will be an afternoon, and then a day, and then a week.  And eventually, you will get to the point where you only think about her occasionally and in a nostalgic way, and you'll realize it hasn't hurt at all in months.  You *will* get to that point, so be prepared to remind yourself of that in the really tough times.  And having a good friend on standby for the first few weeks, someone who knows what's happening and is prepared to be there for you, would be great if you can arrange that. 

zoochadookdook

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Excellent answer, my friend. As someone posted upthread, you are indeed shifting your mindset.

That really is how you feel. It's just hard to be certain while someone who desparately wants you to feel something different is constantly bullying, gaslighting, and manipulating you. Especially since you've never been in a real relationship before.

Since it's how you really feel, the only way to make anything work is to end the relationship.


PS. For what it's worth, I think you're going to have to kick her out of your house. My suggestion would be email her a note that says "(Not-fiancee name), I do not want to live with you any more. Please move out of my house by (date of one month from now)." Then post a copy on her bedroom door and take a photo. That's basically how evictions begin in some jurisdictions. You're probably going to have to be direct and instruct her to move out.

Oh man i think that'd be like worst case scenario. She would accept a break up and move out. She's currently staying at her fathers by choice. If by some reason it actually came to that I could see that as an option but jeez.

How would you present this break up?

We talked a bit and figured that living one place than another for 2 weeks isn't really beneficial to either of us. We're going to stay living together right no. We set the date one month from yesterday-if we feel the same but I'm not on board with marriage/kids and such and can regain a spark by then we're separating. I'm seeing an individual counselor and said she should as well. Basically, we have a deadline and I'm just going to focus on work, life, going on a few dates with her and seeing where we're at in a month. We talked about stuff like who the dogs would go with and similar. She doesn't have room for a lot of the furniture but I'd buy whatever she didn't take. She would move in with one of her parents.
« Last Edit: May 07, 2019, 12:09:04 PM by zoochadookdook »

ysette9

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Solid plan.

lhamo

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Please do not have sex with her during this period even if she offers. Which she may well do as it becomes clear separation is likely.

Linea_Norway

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zoochadookdook

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Please do not have sex with her during this period even if she offers. Which she may well do as it becomes clear separation is likely.

I'm even sure that's "all of it". I don't just want sex, I want the emotions to be reciprocated and vice versa-but  I also want to focus on building a career and financial stability. Owning a home such on an entry-level income is stressful and until I'm financially comfortable I won't feel ready to think about caring for a wife/kids. Shoot I don't even know if I'll ever want kids. I could be in bed with J-LO/a billionaire and not be sure if I wanted kids.

And she's listened to these things. So I think she has heard the idea that she can't change my fundamentals.
« Last Edit: May 07, 2019, 12:49:58 PM by zoochadookdook »

Hula Hoop

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It's also possible that you will feel ready for marriage and kids in a few years once you meet the right person.  I think many of us have not felt ready for commitment until we met the right person. 

zoochadookdook

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It's also possible that you will feel ready for marriage and kids in a few years once you meet the right person.  I think many of us have not felt ready for commitment until we met the right person.

Sure! I brought that up as well. I have no idea what I'll feel towards it 1-5-10-20 years from now.

partgypsy

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Good. I do know for myself it was extremely hard (understatement!) at the point when ex said he didn't feel the same, to get to the point for me of making the decision, if he can't commit, we need to separate (2 1/2 months?). You really are doing much better than I was at that time.
« Last Edit: June 07, 2019, 09:17:51 AM by partgypsy »

jps

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You're about a week out from your 1-month deadline. How are things going?

zoochadookdook

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Things have been fine; I mean I got to a consouler now and she's pretty cool. Still haven't determined what I want from life; I think a lot of it has to do with me focusing so much on this monotonous office job/side hustles in my spare time because I have this weird overwhelming belief that If I am financially set I can afford to quit the job and do things I want. Another thing we've touched on is it's hard for me to self focus when I'm focused on taking care of the gf/her feelings (example-i'd like to travel to thailand and train for a month but because I have a house, job to pay for said house and gf who it wouldn't be fair to leave for a month just for a hobby; my mind won't let me even consider such a thing as practical and all that energy goes into chasing the buck).

We've been civil all month. She's been positive and upbeat; and has focused on finding a good job as her nanny one of 4 years is coming to a close. We haven't really got into it anymore as it really was just a circular argument. I think tonight I'll bring up it has been a month and hey; still not sure if I want kids. I think a piece of the kids/mairraige is also related to me not feeling free enough to focus on self wants subconciously. Like there's things I won't do/ignore/not consider due to being in a relationship (just like going with friends to a seminar on a sunday because that's our only day together). It's not neccisarily a bad thing but it's something I can't currently just ignore. Guess we'll see what we talk about tonight; I did get forms from the university if she wants to attend couples/individual consouling as that's about the only thing I can think of to move us either way.

former player

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Thanks for the update, and I'm glad you've got a cool counsellor.

So there are things you would enjoy that you've given up on because of your roommate (travelled to Thailand for your hobby, gone to the Sunday seminar, self-focus on your future) and you've carried on doing things you don't enjoy because of her (house and job and side hustles and giving up your free time to take care of her feelings).

A good relationship is about mutual support and achieving more together than separately. All I'm seeing for you in this situation is things you are giving up on.

PoutineLover

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Let us know how the talk tonight goes. It's definitely valid to want to do your own thing, and it's important to maintain friendships outside of relationships. Early retirement isn't all or nothing.. you still have to create a good life while you save. If something is dream, you shouldnt block it out, you should find ways to achieve it.
Its not clear from your post though.. have you been using this month to talk about the issues, or have you just let everything be swept under the rug again and settled into old routines? Is she off birth control yet? Had that changed her libido?

RetiredAt63

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Side issue - do you really want the house? Do you love having a house and all that goes with  it, or is it something that has turned into an obligation without much joy? It sounds like the house is part of what is tying you down to your present life.  You work like mad, you can't travel.  Your house also provides living space for your GF, which affects  your relationship. (Um, why can't she look after the house while you are in Thailand?).

I ask this because I am going back to being a renter after 40 years of house ownership, and it is so freeing!!!!  I can travel.  Society tells us that at some point we should become home owners, but this site is all about examining the social norms and seeing if they are truly appropriate for us.

Might be something to discuss with your counselor?

partgypsy

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Honestly, if I was with someone who was having a lot of doubts about the relationship, barriers to committing, or wanting to do things before settling down, I would want that person to resolve them or get them out of their system before committing, versus pushing them down and then having a mid life or earlier crisis that busts everything up.

However I'm not sure it is right putting this all on your girlfriend. If you want to start a hobby, or go to Thailand, how is she stopping you? Question your assumptions. Who is stopping you from selling your house if for example, it doesn't align with your goals? Who is stopping you from working a different or more fulfilling job?
« Last Edit: June 07, 2019, 09:22:49 AM by partgypsy »

Miss Piggy

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However I'm not sure it is right putting this all on your girlfriend. If you want to start a hobby, or go to Thailand, how is she stopping you? Question your assumptions. Who is stopping you from selling your house if for example, it doesn't align with your goals? Who is stopping you from working a different or more fulfilling job?

Wow. Great points, partgypsy (or partygypsy, as I have always seen you). Really great points.

Linea_Norway

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In a relationship there should be room for people to spend time on a hobby, including joining a weekend seminar. I have been away on such seminars several times. My DH has been on a two week vacation to NZ without me, after I suggested/agreed with it. A relationship shouldn't be a prison.

zoochadookdook

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Honestly, if I was with someone who was having a lot of doubts about the relationship, barriers to committing, or wanting to do things before settling down, I would want that person to resolve them or get them out of their system before committing, versus pushing them down and then having a mid life or earlier crisis that busts everything up.

However I'm not sure it is right putting this all on your girlfriend. If you want to start a hobby, or go to Thailand, how is she stopping you? Question your assumptions. Who is stopping you from selling your house if for example, it doesn't align with your goals? Who is stopping you from working a different or more fulfilling job?

Sure it's not "her fault"; I don't think that's fair to say-rather I won't do or pursue these things because they aren't practical with commitment to another person in my mind. They seem selffish and uncaring (we haven't been away from eachother for over a week in most of the relationship). What prevents me from selling the house? She loves it. It is somewhere I have to stay. It does give me motivation to work. I mean I would sell it and take the profit towards a flip ideally but when someone else is involved that affects your decision/weighs your choices a bit.

zoochadookdook

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Let us know how the talk tonight goes. It's definitely valid to want to do your own thing, and it's important to maintain friendships outside of relationships. Early retirement isn't all or nothing.. you still have to create a good life while you save. If something is dream, you shouldnt block it out, you should find ways to achieve it.
Its not clear from your post though.. have you been using this month to talk about the issues, or have you just let everything be swept under the rug again and settled into old routines? Is she off birth control yet? Had that changed her libido?

I can tell she's tried to do things to my benefit (i.e buying a mirror for the hallway when i've always wanted one there) and such-but we really haven't talked about the gist of it all month. The issue we have is it's just a circle of "this is how I feel and this is how I feel". We both feel like talking about it more and more is not benifiting us as we never come to a conclusion. At some point it's just like "figured out if you want to get married and have kids yet" and I'm just like...nope

Tyson

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At this point I recommend watching "The Lobster", it's free, on Netflix.  I can't help thinking of it every time I read this thread. 

Cool Friend

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I won't do or pursue these things because they aren't practical with commitment to another person in my mind. They seem selffish and uncaring (we haven't been away from eachother for over a week in most of the relationship). What prevents me from selling the house? She loves it. It is somewhere I have to stay.

Dude...

Miss Piggy

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Have you discussed the possibility of codependency with your counselor? (If it's a problem, and you identify it, you can work on it.)

Signs of codependency include:
Having difficulty making decisions in a relationship
Having difficulty identifying your feelings
Having difficulty communicating in a relationship
Valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself
Lacking trust in yourself and having poor self-esteem
Having fears of abandonment or an obsessive need for approval
Having an unhealthy dependence on relationships, even at your own cost
Having an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

https://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/do-you-have-a-codependent-personality.aspx

sol

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A good relationship is about mutual support and achieving more together than separately. All I'm seeing for you in this situation is things you are giving up on.

This is wisdom bingo in more ways than one. 

Part of the reason I love my wife so much is that she supports and enables my crazy adventures.  She's what makes it possible for me to do stuff.  She adds to my life, because she wants me to be happy and be the best version of myself.  Sure, sometimes there are sacrifices made and sometimes I have to suck it up and do all of the hard work while she's the one to go on crazy adventures, but that's all part of the deal.  We do that for each other, happily, because that's what mutual support looks like. 

What you have sounds a lot more like unrequited dependency.  She needs you a lot more than you need her.  You're making a bunch of sacrifices in order for her to get what she wants, and she's doing nothing for you. 

I'd drop her like a bad habit, because that's what she is.

MonkeyJenga

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At some point it's just like "figured out if you want to get married and have kids yet" and I'm just like...nope

That gives an obvious path forward. Or paths, I should say.

lhamo

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We talked a bit and figured that living one place than another for 2 weeks isn't really beneficial to either of us. We're going to stay living together right no. We set the date one month from yesterday-if we feel the same but I'm not on board with marriage/kids and such and can regain a spark by then we're separating. I'm seeing an individual counselor and said she should as well. Basically, we have a deadline and I'm just going to focus on work, life, going on a few dates with her and seeing where we're at in a month. We talked about stuff like who the dogs would go with and similar. She doesn't have room for a lot of the furniture but I'd buy whatever she didn't take. She would move in with one of her parents.

Just quoting this to remind you of what you agreed upon one month ago.

I would say it is time to rip off the bandages -- since you are not ready to commit, she needs to move out as you discussed and agreed a month ago.

I know it is hard, but believe me -- it will be easier to end this now than 20 years from now.  Especially if you don't end it now and end up having kids.

Villanelle

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You've met your one month deadline.  If you let this one slip, you are more likely to let the next, and the next slip.  Nothing substantive has changed in the month you gave yourself.  You said it that was the case, you'd separate.  I'm wondering why that's now changed. 

In your next relationship, whenever that may be, I hope that while it is still developing and growing, you talk with your partner (or potential partner) about expectations.  It's hard to tell if you simply feel like you can't do these things (sell the house, travel alone), or if your current girlfriend would actually object.  Either way, it's a problem, though if it's the former, it's probably more your issue than hers and it's something to work on with your counselor. 

There is no reason in a healthy relationship that each party can't do some things alone.  I'll be traveling for about 12 days this month, to visit my parents and then do a small weekend trip with my mom and sister (both of whom are leaving behind spouses for those 3 days).  These are absolutely things that can happen in healthy, trusting relationships, if you want them to. 

pachnik

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Have you discussed the possibility of codependency with your counselor? (If it's a problem, and you identify it, you can work on it.)

Signs of codependency include:
Having difficulty making decisions in a relationship
Having difficulty identifying your feelings
Having difficulty communicating in a relationship
Valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself
Lacking trust in yourself and having poor self-esteem
Having fears of abandonment or an obsessive need for approval
Having an unhealthy dependence on relationships, even at your own cost
Having an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

https://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/do-you-have-a-codependent-personality.aspx

Or you could check out Co-Dependants Anonymous which is a 12-step program for people who struggle in relationships.    Consider going to a few meetings, listen to what is being said, check out the literature table and see whether it applies.   It is a very powerful program that did wonders for me. 

Milizard

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Is she off the BC?  Did she get any urges at all?
Although this relationship may have gotten comfortable, like ratty old pair of shoes, bit you've got to know it's not working for you at all.

BicycleB

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I'm assuming that if her libido had resumed, you would have told us. So:
-no libido change
-no desire for kids
-you want to go to Thailand
-you want to sell the house
-your month is up, you said the relationship would be over now.

Buy a ticket to Thailand. Tell your girlfriend you'll decide about kids when you get back. When you get back, put the house up for sale. Then tell her you are not marrying her, will never have kids, and even if you do, you're not going to have them with her.

You could tell her now, but then she might mess up the house when you're gone. 


partgypsy

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Sometimes (and maybe this is a codependency thing) people use other people as "excuses" for why they can't do stuff, that they say they want to do, but don't. You are young, you do NOT have dependents (your girlfriend or ex girlfriend is NOT a dependent) there is no excuse for you not to live the best life you can.  And that is another reason why, both you are hesitating to break up (she gives you reasons to stay in a comfortable place, when maybe you should be challenging yourself) and exactly why you should be single for awhile. Just yourself. Then you can hopefully gain clarity on what you really want.

zoochadookdook

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It's not that I can't do things; I just have this realization I won't do them. Whether or not those barriers to entry are actually there or just somehow preconceived in my mind are up for debate

The codependency thing is interesting; definitely checks some of the boxes.

She actually went to a social gathering tonight and I brought up we need to talk tomorrow it's been a month. I'm not against going to the new counseling together (cool thing is now it's free); but I'll explain how exactly I feel now and make the point of nothing has changed. I do believe libido if BC controlled could take months to reestablish but that's just on the side. We've been perfectly fine living the day to day life but yeah; tomorrow it gets addressed what now?

BicycleB

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Tomorrow it "gets addressed"?

Meaning, you tell her a month has passed, so now she has to decide whether to do same thing as before - live in your house and keep you from doing the things you want, so that someday she can increase her control over you and get you to have children that you do not want?

(Just putting the most common pieces together from this thread)

Were I a counselor, I'd probably point that after a month, YOU were supposed to quit the relationship. It has long been established that she will not decide to leave no matter how many times you ask. Based on what you've written in this thread, putting this on her means that you're dodging responsibility for your own life again. My own counselors in the past have been pretty clear in similar situations. You are responsible, not her.

Are you going to "address" it by repeating the same codependent loop of indecision again, or address it by telling her the relationship is over?

Malkynn

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The fact that you don't know how to "address" it means that you didn't really take your own timeline all that seriously.

Instead, you did the far more comfortable thing of falling right back into the benign-seeming pattern of the exact same relationship holding pattern that you two have been in for 7 years, where you both ignore the glaring problems, because you get along so well that it's easy to pretend everything is fine.

I get it, you guys were exhausting each other and you weren't getting anywhere because the only rational answer was to break up and you weren't ready to accept that yet. We already know that she won't ever accept that, so it's down to you.

So you gave yourself a month of breathing space, because you were emotionally exhausted and unprepared to take the next necessary steps. That's understandable.

However, you've had your break, it's time to get back to the tough job of actually handling your shit.

Time is up. Nothing has changed.
It's time to break up.

She still wants to get married and have children with you, which is still irresponsible and downright irrational based on the state of your relationship. You still aren't getting sex, and it's still rather emotionally cruel for you to put that pressure on her given what you now know about her emotional state.

So it's still two people whose desires from one another are not healthy for the other person. You know what more talking, more counseling, and more time will do. It will only plunge you back into the awful, awful, exhausting process you just went through a month ago, only to come to the exact same conclusions again: it's not fixable.

If you actually love her, then stop putting her through this.

It's not healthy, it's not going to get healthy.
You've had a month to rest, it's time to be the grown up here and do the right thing and break up.

Omy

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I agree with everybody here that this relationship has no future unless one of the parties gives in. And that party has to give in because they really want to - not just because they are sacrificing their wants and needs so that the relationship can continue.

That being said, I don't think it's possible to convince OP of this because it's a fundamental truth that he needs to learn in his way and in his time. Every unhealthy relationship I've been in has only ended when one (or both) of us has given up trying to make it work. Until that point there is nothing any of us can say to convince OP otherwise.

Malkynn

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I agree with everybody here that this relationship has no future unless one of the parties gives in. And that party has to give in because they really want to - not just because they are sacrificing their wants and needs so that the relationship can continue.

That being said, I don't think it's possible to convince OP of this because it's a fundamental truth that he needs to learn in his way and in his time. Every unhealthy relationship I've been in has only ended when one (or both) of us has given up trying to make it work. Until that point there is nothing any of us can say to convince OP otherwise.

Of course.

But speaking from my experience, my DH's experience, and the experience of several divorced friends and family, it really does help to have people actually say directly that they think that the relationship should end.

Omy

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13 pages (and counting) of forum members saying exactly that with varying amounts of "tough love". OP needs to decide if this is the relationship he wants indefinitely - or if he's ready to move on into the scary unknown. It could take months or years to make this decision (with "indecision" being his current decision).

ysette9

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As someone widely pointed out pages ago, this forum has a wide variety of people with different like experiences who have different opinions. Usually you’ll find the spectrum of responses when someone posts a case study.
This has been the one thread where every single person has consistently said the same thing, in different ways and for different reasons, but we all see that this relationship is unhealthy and has to end.

former player

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While I've already added my voice to the "this is a bad situation, it needs to end" chorus, it has occurred to me that a further action for OP to take would be to sell his house.  This has a lot of advantages: it frees him financially and geographically, it provides a full stop to the current period of his life, and it may even persuade his roommate that she needs to move on and find someone who is better suited to provide her with what she wants out of life.

Apple_Tango

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I’ve been lurking for a while, here are my 2 cents:

In my last relationship I wasn’t thinking/pursuing/interested in anyone else. But I looked into my heart and I asked myself if I wanted to marry this man. Could i see a future, kids, etc etc. together. No. I could not. So we broke up and it was hard, sad, we cried, he wanted to have sex “one more time”. So a little different than your issue. We even waffled a little bit with an on/off thing for about 4 months. But then I decided it was over. Blocked his number, moved away, haven’t talked to him since (2 years now)

Best decision ever. Not to hurt him, because I do think about him sometimes, remember the good times and hope he is doing well. but we would have been waffling forever if I hadn’t decided that enough was enough. Quite frankly, he was always shit at making decisions. I had to make the decision because I was the one who was sure it was over. I was in a “not bad enough to leave, not good enough to stay” for those waffling 4 months but really it’s the “not good enough to stay” part of that phrase that says it all.

Good luck op! This is a kind thing you are doing for yourself and her even though it hurts.

RetiredAt63

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It's not that I can't do things; I just have this realization I won't do them. Whether or not those barriers to entry are actually there or just somehow preconceived in my mind are up for debate

The codependency thing is interesting; definitely checks some of the boxes.

She actually went to a social gathering tonight and I brought up we need to talk tomorrow it's been a month. I'm not against going to the new counseling together (cool thing is now it's free); but I'll explain how exactly I feel now and make the point of nothing has changed. I do believe libido if BC controlled could take months to reestablish but that's just on the side. We've been perfectly fine living the day to day life but yeah; tomorrow it gets addressed what now?

@zoochadookdook    You posted this June 8.  It is now June 24.  Are you still on the endless merry-go-round or is there any progress/resolution?

zoochadookdook

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Sure we've been in limbo.

I go to counseling once a week/work at home stuff etc.

She has taken on summer hours (working 3 days a week) and has landed a great teaching job at a local hometown school. This is a perfect job for her as it's the field she wants to be in, has a pension and other benefits and just fits great.

I actually got a call on Friday about a job position at a friends fathers company across the county. It would require me to move there. The job is entry level project management- pay would be 70k a year with healthcare/no 401k match. Option to work flextime 1-2 days a week. Ideally, it's a development program to hire you to the larger company. Lots of options for which way to go (my one friend is going into infosec after being there a few years) and really sounds like a lucky opportunity (my buddies dad is a high up CIO in the company).

This job sounds good. I've been in the city I live in now for years though. It's comfortable and my family lives up here. It is possible to gain the professional experience for a year or 2 at this new job and come back/go anywhere with the certifications and credentials that would bring.

This has become a catalyst for her and I. Obviously she says she'd have no problem moving or such if we knew we were heading towards marriage and it doesn't make sense to if not. Or if I could work remotely or so on and so forth. It's been a sad atmosphere this weekend as we have been talking through it a bit. I have 2 weeks to give a soft/yes or no so they could start the process.  She has said it feels like this is an opportunity to just cut everything in my life out and start over and it's just sad to think about. Personally, I don't want to go- but I also don't want to turn down an opportunity that could advance/kickstart a career so well.

My current company I make 22/hr. No benefits. A chance for direct hire with benefits and better pay in 3 more months; but not sure what the pay would be or If I would have options to move to other more technical departments internally. I guess if it comes to the worst I can go to HR; lay out the offer I have and see what they could do comparatively.

ysette9

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Sure we've been in limbo.

I go to counseling once a week/work at home stuff etc.

She has taken on summer hours (working 3 days a week) and has landed a great teaching job at a local hometown school. This is a perfect job for her as it's the field she wants to be in, has a pension and other benefits and just fits great.

I actually got a call on Friday about a job position at a friends fathers company across the county. It would require me to move there. The job is entry level project management- pay would be 70k a year with healthcare/no 401k match. Option to work flextime 1-2 days a week. Ideally, it's a development program to hire you to the larger company. Lots of options for which way to go (my one friend is going into infosec after being there a few years) and really sounds like a lucky opportunity (my buddies dad is a high up CIO in the company).

This job sounds good. I've been in the city I live in now for years though. It's comfortable and my family lives up here. It is possible to gain the professional experience for a year or 2 at this new job and come back/go anywhere with the certifications and credentials that would bring.

This has become a catalyst for her and I. Obviously she says she'd have no problem moving or such if we knew we were heading towards marriage and it doesn't make sense to if not. Or if I could work remotely or so on and so forth. It's been a sad atmosphere this weekend as we have been talking through it a bit. I have 2 weeks to give a soft/yes or no so they could start the process.  She has said it feels like this is an opportunity to just cut everything in my life out and start over and it's just sad to think about. Personally, I don't want to go- but I also don't want to turn down an opportunity that could advance/kickstart a career so well.

My current company I make 22/hr. No benefits. A chance for direct hire with benefits and better pay in 3 more months; but not sure what the pay would be or If I would have options to move to other more technical departments internally. I guess if it comes to the worst I can go to HR; lay out the offer I have and see what they could do comparatively.
I read this as the universe telling you the same thing we have all been telling you. Change is hard but ultimately it is a wonderful growing experience and will make you better for it. You are young: this is the time you are supposed to be exploring and learning and having fun and trying new things and meeting new people. Perhaps a bit of your dissatisfaction is that you are denying yourself all of these very natural growing urges.

Take the good opportunity and jump in with both feet. Your friend will be fine. You will be fine and will probably come out great on the other end. The time apart will probably do wonderful for things for both of you, as we have said a thousand times here already. You are stunting each other without getting any benefit from it except the comfort of the familiar.

Good luck! Take a leap!

Roots&Wings

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That sounds like an amazing job opportunity. Leaving the familiar can certainly be bittersweet, but what you have described really sounds ideal. Would you need to sell your house or would it work financially as a rental?

zoochadookdook

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That sounds like an amazing job opportunity. Leaving the familiar can certainly be bittersweet, but what you have described really sounds ideal. Would you need to sell your house or would it work financially as a rental?


Honestly, haven't thought about it. I think the rental market would be 1500/month maybe more hopefully.

I ower 116k on a 30 year 4.25%. A mortgage is 560. Insurance 1000. Prop taxes 3000 (although non homestead would go up)

Selling price would be around 200 minus fees.

Either way rent or split would be ok. I think owning it and having the ability to relocate back here would be a plus though.

lhamo

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Take the job.  Rent the house out.  Having a bit of distance from your roommate will help you sort out whether you really want to be partners long-term. 

RetiredAt63

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Take the job.  Rent the house out.  Having a bit of distance from your roommate will help you sort out whether you really want to be partners long-term.

To quote the wisdom of the ages (otherwise known as clichés)

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight out of mind.

If you take this new job (which sounds like a definite improvement) you will also see which cliché applies to your situation.  Do you miss each other like mad?  Or is the drifting apart accelerated?

partgypsy

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maybe this is the universe telling you something.

ysette9

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maybe this is the universe telling you something.
Like minds :)

BicycleB

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I highly urge you to take the job and sell the house.