Author Topic: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married. Any Counselors?  (Read 32796 times)

zoochadookdook

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edit: Update 2
We went to our 3rd counsoling last night and it was the hardest one so far. We talked about the past, when I had cheated how it made her feel (not chosen-like i literally chose another girl over her) and when we had seperated a few years later and how she had felt uncommited to/unwanted until I came back. We've established a cycle of "I don't know what I want until it's gone" on those 2 occasions and her having insecurities from not being chosen. We still both believe our point is in the right. She believes if she opens up and initiates sex it will just be to try to get me to getting to engagement. I feel like we need to establish this before engagement. We're both so entrenched in our feelings that it's still not budging anywhich way. We talked about expectations on the vacation and still aren't sure how to take it. She mentioned "why's it always me that gets my heart broken" and that has been true this relationship. I'm trying to rationalize engagement at least to see if we can bring it back-but she just can't get to intamcy without it. There's just too much of a mental block from our past and I respect her for it. It doesn't do any good questioning why or how she feels but rather understanding this is how it has to be for her. HOWEVER- this morning at work she did text me that she had a sassy dream involving us last night which she didn't expect at all based on how our conversations have gone so.....Idk, maybe we can explore that a bit more? It's a step in the right direction out of nowhere.



edit: Update:


I want to clarify a few things. She has never held my earlier infedelity directly against me. For the most part, once we got back together it was "for good". Since that point she says she's never imagined anything aside from a future with me. That being said, she also mentioned the other day that she wants to be engaged to feel 100% committed to. I'm not against marriage and she's got a million good qualities-she's great with kids (worked in childcare the last xx years), she makes me happy in the sense of just being around, she's kind, educated, optomistic etc. I don't really know why my mind can't wrap itself around marriage. I'm telling myself it's just that I want intamcy back and establish but I also haven't thought about children that much. I think I would like them but I always imagined I'd be more established/have more finances and a career ironed out prior. I'm 26 (27 in may) for anyone who's been wondering about the age. She's 25-26 next january. She's asked for me to tell her if i'm not proposing on the cruise we take in 2 weeks just so she won't be nervous/get all wound up to be disappointed and I think that's fair.  Emotionally we share a connection; a pretty good one. When we're together I can imagine that forever. It's not that dark/unhappy of a relationship at all. I'm just having trouble sorting my feelings out.


Hey all so facts
M26. f25. Have been together 7 years.
Early on I cheated, shitbag young kid style. Prior we were very sexually active. Since then-several months in-we haven't had sexual relations.
Lately she's been bringing up engagement and really pushing for it (understandable as it has been 7.5 years).
We went to a consoler twice (again this thursday) and really started opening up afterwards. I love her, she loves and wants to spend the rest of her me-BUT when we started talking about sex and such she mentioned she just never has the desire ever. No drive. No feelings in that department. She has mentioned she's willing to try at least if we get engaged as she pictures us having a regular sex life (there's a cruise we had planned mid April for 11 days) but has no promise she can make herself feel like that at all. She plans on stopping her BC after the cruise as that's really the only hormonal block she can think of. That puts the ball in my court. She was crying and just said she couldn't promise it as it's something she can't feel/she thinks we know eachother well enough and can make anything work by this point. She doesn't even expect to get married for a long time (year+), but she wants the feeling of commitment and being chosen before she can try (her words). I have made it clear I don't believe it would be beneficial to get married if we can't at least figure out some sort of situation. She thinks it could be her bc or just how long it's been. Obviously she said the earlier infidelity played a role in how she viewed sex and that she's always thought we'd have forever together since then/to let herself emotionally try in that department and open up she'd like to be engaged to try at least. I think after this amount of time it is fair that engagement is on the table. She has said that she wants to be married and just live the rest of our life out; and she gets hurt because every time we talk I have the worst case what if scenarios in mind. It's true though; neither of us knows what will happen in the future. She could go through a midlife crisis and hit the lotto/head out. I could get hit crossing the street and not be able to work for a living.

Personally I haven't thought a lot about being married or kids (she wants at least one) and trying to process the time management and implications all of these bring has been stressing me out. I love her and could see a life with her but I need that emotional desire and want to feel wanted. Still not sure what my overall life goals are but i'm working on defining those and understanding where my own happiness comes from while still remaining practical (keeping my 8-5 etc).

I'm posting here to try to get some perspectives. When did you know you wanted to or didn't want to marry someone? When did you decide you wanted or didn't want kids? Is it possible for someone to fluctuate in between asexual and average sexuality? Anyone been in a similar relationship or considering marriage? Thanks
« Last Edit: April 05, 2019, 09:09:11 AM by zoochadookdook »

pbkmaine

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2019, 08:54:53 AM »
There are people who are truly asexual. (Some of them, in fact, post on these forums.) Whether or not a person wants sex is not, in and of itself, a problem. The problem comes when there is an imbalance in sexual desire between partners. That tends to be incredibly frustrating to the person wanting more sex, and leads to increasing issues in the relationship over time.

Are you willing to be celibate the rest of your life, except for the purpose of creating children? Because I think thatís what you are looking at. If yes, then by all means go ahead. If no, DO NOT get married.

Cool Friend

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #2 on: April 02, 2019, 09:04:34 AM »
She's interested in marriage, you're not.

You're interested in sex, she's not.

To be blunt, it doesn't sound like your wants/needs are compatible for a long-term relationship.

fuzzy math

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #3 on: April 02, 2019, 09:09:33 AM »
She's interested in marriage, you're not.

You're interested in sex, she's not.

To be blunt, it doesn't sound like your wants/needs are compatible for a long-term relationship.

This is a much more concise version of what I was going to say.

The fact that you're here stating such large life questions shows that you have serious reservations. Your partner is trying to bully you into making a commitment before she will even try to make the relationship something you'd want. Sounds like a 100% no go.

Candace

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #4 on: April 02, 2019, 09:23:39 AM »
Yes, there are some people who are asexual. Is your girlfriend an asexual person? Has she ever felt sexual desire, or did it just end at some point? The answer could be very important. People who are truly asexual, not just traumatized or otherwise temporarily uninterested, cannot be expected to change. I have a close friend who is very sexual. He married a woman I believe is asexual, before any of us knew what that was or what it meant. His marriage has held up, but partially because he occasionally has affairs (not with me) in order to feel validated. Even though his wife is willing to have sex with him, her lack of desire makes him feel, well, undesired. Over the long term, most people have a high need for validation and feeling desired.

In the case of my friend, I believe even with the deception involved, it has been the best solution for them. If you marry an asexual person, you could be setting yourself up for this kind of situation. My friend has accepted this, and his wife probably is unaware of his solution.

Sex is a powerful force and a pretty basic need. One that is best fulfilled within a marriage if the people are married. You and your girlfriend would both be served best if she can determine whether sexual desire is something she naturally feels, or not. If not, that could be a big problem for you two in the context of a committed relationship, let alone a marriage.

If you're not familiar with asexuality, please start with a Google search. Know what you might be dealing with. Get your girlfriend to define who she is. Please, whatever you do, don't accept "maybe I'll change later" as a rationale for getting married or even continuing the relationship, if having a sexual bond with your partner is important to you. If you two break up, she can seek out other asexuals. No one who desires sex should have to go through a life where their partner doesn't want them sexually.

zoochadookdook

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #5 on: April 02, 2019, 09:33:07 AM »
I guess I'm hesitant to just look at in black and white. I know she loves me and is committed to me. We have a lot of memories and I have a hard time seeing myself without her/vice versa. Could we break up and be ok? Probably, it'd be messy and suck for a while as we've been living together most of our adult lives, but it could happen.  On the other hand, I'm not opposed to trying to get to the want of marriage and if engagement is what she needs to open up I'm seriously contemplating it.  I've always had a hard time commiting/facing future choices and adversity without hyper analyzing.

dcheesi

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #6 on: April 02, 2019, 09:38:00 AM »
Yes, there are some people who are asexual. Is your girlfriend an asexual person? Has she ever felt sexual desire, or did it just end at some point? The answer could be very important. People who are truly asexual, not just traumatized or otherwise temporarily uninterested, cannot be expected to change. I have a close friend who is very sexual. He married a woman I believe is asexual, before any of us knew what that was or what it meant. His marriage has held up, but partially because he occasionally has affairs (not with me) in order to feel validated. Even though his wife is willing to have sex with him, her lack of desire makes him feel, well, undesired. Over the long term, most people have a high need for validation and feeling desired.

In the case of my friend, I believe even with the deception involved, it has been the best solution for them. If you marry an asexual person, you could be setting yourself up for this kind of situation. My friend has accepted this, and his wife probably is unaware of his solution.

Sex is a powerful force and a pretty basic need. One that is best fulfilled within a marriage if the people are married. You and your girlfriend would both be served best if she can determine whether sexual desire is something she naturally feels, or not. If not, that could be a big problem for you two in the context of a committed relationship, let alone a marriage.

If you're not familiar with asexuality, please start with a Google search. Know what you might be dealing with. Get your girlfriend to define who she is. Please, whatever you do, don't accept "maybe I'll change later" as a rationale for getting married or even continuing the relationship, if having a sexual bond with your partner is important to you. If you two break up, she can seek out other asexuals. No one who desires sex should have to go through a life where their partner doesn't want them sexually.
And on the other tack, if she lost her desire after the infidelity, then that's something that needs to be dealt with. Maybe she wants the commitment because on some level she still doesn't trust you? Or maybe there are other concerns (I assume you've taken a battery of STD tests since this occurred)? It is possible that the long dry spell has dampened her desire, but that doesn't happen in a vacuum. You both need to understand the source of her "block" if it is that, and whether or not it stands a good chance of healing in a way that would let you move forward together.

I also wonder about your side of this. You've been going without sexual relations for years now, without really questioning it? I'm sure at first you were understanding because guilt, but at some point you must have gotten frustrated? Any idea why you've been holding on for all this time, when your needs aren't being met? It would be more understandable if you were emotionally committed to her, but it sounds like you're still not sure, so there must be other reasons? Is she your first serious girlfriend, and perhaps you just can't imagine the alternative?

zoochadookdook

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #7 on: April 02, 2019, 09:39:18 AM »
Yes, there are some people who are asexual. Is your girlfriend an asexual person? Has she ever felt sexual desire, or did it just end at some point? The answer could be very important. People who are truly asexual, not just traumatized or otherwise temporarily uninterested, cannot be expected to change. I have a close friend who is very sexual. He married a woman I believe is asexual, before any of us knew what that was or what it meant. His marriage has held up, but partially because he occasionally has affairs (not with me) in order to feel validated. Even though his wife is willing to have sex with him, her lack of desire makes him feel, well, undesired. Over the long term, most people have a high need for validation and feeling desired.

In the case of my friend, I believe even with the deception involved, it has been the best solution for them. If you marry an asexual person, you could be setting yourself up for this kind of situation. My friend has accepted this, and his wife probably is unaware of his solution.

Sex is a powerful force and a pretty basic need. One that is best fulfilled within a marriage if the people are married. You and your girlfriend would both be served best if she can determine whether sexual desire is something she naturally feels, or not. If not, that could be a big problem for you two in the context of a committed relationship, let alone a marriage.

If you're not familiar with asexuality, please start with a Google search. Know what you might be dealing with. Get your girlfriend to define who she is. Please, whatever you do, don't accept "maybe I'll change later" as a rationale for getting married or even continuing the relationship, if having a sexual bond with your partner is important to you. If you two break up, she can seek out other asexuals. No one who desires sex should have to go through a life where their partner doesn't want them sexually.

Prior to the infedelity she did have a sex drive. So it's possible she needs the validation of being chosen to open back up (engagement) however, she has said she has no idea if she can but she's willing to try (stopping bc and such next month). She believes in her mind everything is perfect and mairraige is for a better and worse ordeal, and through talking has mentioned it makes her feel like crap because she hasn't been there in that way. I know she loves me and wants the future. I want it too but I have selfesh desires as well; like we have this conversation a lot and in her mind all we can do is try and think positive. I naturally revert to the worst case scenario (if she can't get back to that sort of relationship then I either take her or leave her) which (understandably) hurts her feelings and makes her feel inadaquet. It's a situation I'd never thought I'd be in.

zoochadookdook

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #8 on: April 02, 2019, 09:47:07 AM »

[/quote]And on the other tack, if she lost her desire after the infidelity, then that's something that needs to be dealt with. Maybe she wants the commitment because on some level she still doesn't trust you? Or maybe there are other concerns (I assume you've taken a battery of STD tests since this occurred)? It is possible that the long dry spell has dampened her desire, but that doesn't happen in a vacuum. You both need to understand the source of her "block" if it is that, and whether or not it stands a good chance of healing in a way that would let you move forward together.

I also wonder about your side of this. You've been going without sexual relations for years now, without really questioning it? I'm sure at first you were understanding because guilt, but at some point you must have gotten frustrated? Any idea why you've been holding on for all this time, when your needs aren't being met? It would be more understandable if you were emotionally committed to her, but it sounds like you're still not sure, so there must be other reasons? Is she your first serious girlfriend, and perhaps you just can't imagine the alternative?
[/quote]

So counseling was my idea. And she has gone. She's forgiven me and we even talk about it like a case study now, but it did change her perspective on sex. For years I just took it as a healing process-like one day we'll get back to it and eventually just ignored it. When you get shot down enough it isn't really something you want to experience repeatedly but I figured I did hurt her and this is just how our changed relationship is.  I am emotionally commited to her, as a provider (she works and makes her car payment/half the dogs vet bills and the trash bill ) and as a person. She doesn't care if i want to play video games and is perfectly content to spend the weekend in binging netflix. She and I are pretty compatible, we never really fight or argue and we have a billion inside (stupid) jokes. We have a life together and that's been enough to focus on. I guess I just got lost in that and forgot things like mairraige exist.  I'm trying to understand if she can change or if this is her forever and if i'm ok with that. I understand why she wants to be married and why she feels the ways she feels, but I understand how my body and mind feel as well and they're telling me that eventually this is going to wear me down. I would never cheat on her again but I never want to feel like i'm participating in something with the hope something will change (even if it's subconciously).

RetiredAt63

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #9 on: April 02, 2019, 09:55:02 AM »
Just a caveat - when you say she is going to stop the BC, I assume you are talking about the pill or equivalent?  Because yes, the hormones can affect libido.  But the 2 of you need to make sure you have alternative birth control methods in place before you start doing anything.  Because do you really want to set yourselves up for a situation where you feel you "have" to get married because she is pregnant?

And actually why is she talking about stopping BC?  Because if you 2 are not ever having sex, she doesn't need anything for birth control.  If she is taking BC for other health reasons, then stopping it means she needs to have a major talk with her doctor about health repercussions.  Unless you just saying "stopping her BC" is a vague way of saying that it really means getting her hormone based IUD out.  In which case you two still need to think about other BC methods.

PoutineLover

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #10 on: April 02, 2019, 10:11:44 AM »
This sounds like a relationship that isn't working for either of you all that well, and progressing it into marriage doesn't seem likely to help. Giving you an ultimatum in that she won't try to have sex unless you propose, is unhealthy, as is holding a past infidelity against you forever. From what you posted, I can't really see why you are still together, unless you are both just too scared to end it and change your lives together, or you still feel guilty about your past actions. Obviously no one here knows your relationship better than you do, but your posts raise serious questions in my mind.
My experience with a past relationship, was that we tried to repair it after infidelity, but it took a long time to regain trust, and I think we tried to force something that wasn't working out. We lived together and breaking up was complicated, and we had never had other serious relationships (got together at 18, lasted until 24), but more importantly we weren't really in love. After finally breaking up, I fell in love with someone else, and honestly am so glad that I was able to leave and find a person and relationship that meets my needs and truly makes me happy. I wouldn't have known what I was missing until I left that relationship and focused on myself. I can see myself marrying my current partner, because I can envision our lives together and that's what I want, and we are on the same page. I could never see that with my ex, and marrying him would have been a huge mistake.
If you have serious doubts, do not propose. You have both likely grown a lot over your time together, and are not necessarily good matches for each other. I know breaking up is scary and hard, but unless you feel like you can spend the rest of your life with her the way things are now, you will likely always feel like you are missing something, and it will breed resentment and lead to unhappiness for both of you. Good luck with the decision.

tyort1

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #11 on: April 02, 2019, 10:17:51 AM »
IME, marriage does not fix any problems and in fact brings on a lot more problems.  Also, what are your financial situations like?  Do you have significantly more savings than her?  Because if you do, if you get divorced, she gets half. 

Also, going off birth control will make it much easier for an "oops baby" to happen.  What will you do if you end up getting her pregnant?  Maybe she feels that adding a baby to the equation will tip you over toward getting married. 
« Last Edit: April 02, 2019, 10:19:47 AM by tyort1 »

Kris

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #12 on: April 02, 2019, 10:39:30 AM »
Short answer: don't do it.

Longer answer: have her get off the BC, and see if that makes a difference. Wait a while after the BC to make sure any changes are durable. But my guess is that's not really going to change much.

I'm speaking as a woman here.

If you are not having sex now, and things don't remarkably improve after the BC is out of the picture, it will only get worse. Once you are married, there will be less incentive for her to try. (Unless she wants children, in which case she will engage in sex for reproductive purposes but then that's gonna be it.)

Your cheating is far in the past. Far enough that at this point it's not relevant to why you're not having sex anymore.

Her saying she wants the "feeling of commitment" before she can try is manipulative. Sorry. It is.

My husband was in a marriage that sounds very much like the relationship you're in (sans the cheating at the beginning). He was trapped in a relationship that felt more like roommates than lovers. He has told me how much it ate at him over time. The sex, but also the lack of feeling wanted.

I hope this doesn't sound blunt. Or rather, I know it's blunt, but I hope it comes across in the way I'm intending it to.

Let the relationship go. Set both of you free, to find people who are better suited for you.

Blame aside, you two are not compatible sexually. And that matters. A lot. The relationship you are describing is not enough to build an entire lifetime commitment on.

Frankies Girl

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #13 on: April 02, 2019, 11:06:55 AM »
I'm going to have to just state emphatically so please understand this is not meant as being mean or hating on your girlfriend...

No. Do not get married. Do not assume things will work out in the end. Do not do this. You will be miserable and likely end up having sex at some point as a chore for her, and she will have a kid or two and you will end up divorced in another few years because there is a HUGE FUCKING MESS THAT THE TWO OF YOU HAVE JUST IGNORED FOR YEARS.

You are in a sexless relationship, and you never worked out the why. She either is punishing you for your infidelity (and this doesn't have to be intentional) or she is so hurt/betrayed still when she thinks about you as a lover/partner that she is incapable of seeing you as such.

Sure, some folks likely could work this out eventually with intensive counseling and stuff, but you both haven't done so and you're just thinking about drifting into marriage because that might fix you both and isn't that what everyone does anyway? Marriage will make things worse. So sooooo much worse. It doesn't fix relationship problems. Marriage is not a big fancy bow that makes everything better.

I know this is likely not what you want to hear, but honestly you need to break up. You should have done so years ago. You may care about her and she about you but mostly you are both comfortable and dealing with sunk cost fallacy. Your mentioning the length of the relationship several times is telling, you have a relationship but it is not a good one. She is just advancing her goals now, she's mid twenties so time to get married and have a kid - not I love you, I need you, I want to be married to you because.... it is some items checked on a shopping list for her at this point. You are a means to an end, and she is being extremely emotionally immature to use you like this (knowingly or not).

She's dropped an ultimatum on you with a horrible lose/lose proposition. She dangles the "I might want to have sex again" if you proposed. "I might love you like a partner/lover if we got married and had a kid" No. Just no. This is horrible. You both needed to work out the having sex or not part waaaaay before marriage came into the picture, so now it's just that she's got a lovely temptation for you to jump at. And when you do? Maybe things seem okay for a year, until the baby comes. And then she will shut you right back out in the cold, and make sure to tell you that things have changed for her again and she's not interested in sex any more and that subject is CLOSED. She gets everything she wants, and you need to shut up because you cheated... not saying that's GOING to happen, but if it doesn't you'd be one of the very few that had a great breakthrough in maturity and emotional connection that neither one of you have demonstrated yet. And adding a marriage and baby into the mix is not going to make things like that easier to work out. But now instead of making a clean break before marrying and babies, you are going to feel even more guilt-ridden and alone and responsible because you have a wife (that you cheated on long ago) and a child that you have to be responsible for. And you leaving would be seen as selfish and mean and just all your fault.

And let's not forget the guilt and blame thing happening here either. You cheated on her. But you stayed together. This should have been a non-issue after you both worked through that. But she has left you feeling guilty and shamed and refused to have sex with you for years now. If she loved and forgave you. That would NOT be the theme song of your relationship. But it's still there, you're still acting guilty and responsible for hurting her, and she has not forgiven you because it was a way to keep you but at arm's length and likely has been a soft, barely-heard melody that has been playing in the background this entire time. Any time she gets upset, the volume of that music just gets loud enough to remind you to grovel, you submit, you give her whatever she wants... because you are a dirty rotten cheater and you OWE her. Even if you don't get actual intimacy or an emotionally mature partner out of it. You are the bad guy forever and ever, amen. So shut up and marry her now, right? She's MADE a tentative offer that she might have sex with you if you marry her? What a great bargain!

You never pushed for a normal-ish sex life because maybe she was asexual? Maybe because every time it was discussed somehow the tainted melody of the past sort of got a bit louder? That's manipulative and shaming. Again, she has not forgiven you if you lived years like this. She can speak the words, but the actual forgiveness is absent.

If she is asexual - that's FINE. That is her body, her feelings and she is absolutely 100% free to be asexual. But she does not get to tell her partner that she's decided she is no longer having sex, and they have zero choice in the matter. You should have worked this out, and then decided that you are not asexual and as much as you care about her, being in a sexless relationship is not something you signed on for and it is not you OR her fault - just bad luck - and broken up.

Please go see a counselor alone. Consider moving out soon and do NOT HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW EVEN IF SHE OFFERS. She would be using it to manipulate you, and possibly get pregnant/force marriage. You need to work through all the crummy stuff in your head, and start figuring out a way out of this relationship and understanding that you both deserve better. But not together. You are both very young. You should not lock yourself into this terribly depressing relationship and future because you feel you owe her, or it's been too long to not just get married and you're both comfortable with each other. Please get counseling

It will be sad. You both do care about each other. You share years of memories, inside jokes, sad stuff where you were there for each other and all that baggage. But that doesn't mean what you have didn't have an expiration date. Yours is long past. Mourn the loss, but move on.

« Last Edit: April 02, 2019, 11:15:16 AM by Frankies Girl »

ender

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #14 on: April 02, 2019, 11:11:39 AM »
There are non-hormonal birth controls.

While the timing of pre/post affair suggests that's not the root cause, it's possible the BC is causing a lack of sex drive.

Kris

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #15 on: April 02, 2019, 11:13:06 AM »
I agree with Frankie's Girl. I was trying to be nice. But she hit the nail on the head.

LifeHappens

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #16 on: April 02, 2019, 11:30:10 AM »
She is just advancing her goals now, she's mid twenties so time to get married and have a kid
I fear this is the root of things. People tend to marry the person they're with when they reach the normal age for marriage in their culture.

OP, I'm really sorry you're in this situation. I spent most of my 20s in a relationship that was okay... ish. There were some problems and those turned out to get worse over time, but I didn't want to be a quitter, you know? So I stayed about 3 years longer than I should have. I wish I could spare you the pain of going through that type of experience, but I think you're already there.

I know you don't want to hear this, but you would be doing both you and your current partner a kindness by ending this sooner rather than later.

tyort1

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #17 on: April 02, 2019, 11:39:44 AM »
You know what I call people who are really close that don't have sex with each other?  Good friends.  Sounds like that's where this relationship needs to go.

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #18 on: April 02, 2019, 11:40:17 AM »
There are non-hormonal birth controls.

While the timing of pre/post affair suggests that's not the root cause, it's possible the BC is causing a lack of sex drive.
I meant to say this as well. When I first went on hormonal birth control (many years ago), I lost all desire to have sex. I went off it for a few months and then back on and didn't have the same side effect (thank goodness). I don't remember it was the same type of pill or whether we tried something different.

With that said, Frankie's Girl has written what is most likely to be useful to you, in the end. With much sympathy, I'm sorry you're going through this. Please think carefully. If it's difficult now, it will be way more difficult in another five or eight years, especially with a child in the mix.

zoochadookdook

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #19 on: April 02, 2019, 11:44:39 AM »
BC: It's hormonal and pill. Obviously I'd be looking at other forms of protection if it was the root cause.

No matter how you skew it; while it may be manipulated to a degree at the same time I'm being manipulative back. When I have told her I can't get married without some sort of established sex life she takes that pretty hard. Like almost I don't love her unconditionally enough to marry her. And it may stem from the past where I did choose someone else over her. 

She said the other day she just knows I'm the one she wants to be with forever through whatever (doesn't matter if we're living in a box or what) and even though there's possibly and probably someone else out there better for me; she hopes i'll pick her. I've tried to consider what would happen if we do separate and it's just this feeling of I don't want anything else. I try to imagine going home to an empty house or not stopping by the store to grab the specific yogurts and cookies she likes on the way home and it's just this empty black hole. I can see myself marrying her, but I guess I just hid that thought away for years. I wouldn't even talk about it up until last year as the idea just wasn't something I knew how to feel about (still dont).

We have another counsoling appointment thursday so i'm hoping maybe we can get more meaningful conversation out that way. Our cruise trip is coming up April 15-26. She was planning on stopping after that as apparantly it wrecks havoc on your body and she wanted to enjoy the vacation.

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #20 on: April 02, 2019, 11:49:07 AM »
BC: It's hormonal and pill. Obviously I'd be looking at other forms of protection if it was the root cause.

No matter how you skew it; while it may be manipulated to a degree at the same time I'm being manipulative back. When I have told her I can't get married without some sort of established sex life she takes that pretty hard.

This is not manipulative. It is honest.

zoochadookdook

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #21 on: April 02, 2019, 11:50:36 AM »
She is just advancing her goals now, she's mid twenties so time to get married and have a kid
I fear this is the root of things. People tend to marry the person they're with when they reach the normal age for marriage in their culture.

OP, I'm really sorry you're in this situation. I spent most of my 20s in a relationship that was okay... ish. There were some problems and those turned out to get worse over time, but I didn't want to be a quitter, you know? So I stayed about 3 years longer than I should have. I wish I could spare you the pain of going through that type of experience, but I think you're already there.

I know you don't want to hear this, but you would be doing both you and your current partner a kindness by ending this sooner rather than later.

I mean I can sort of get it. From a womans standpoint you are on a biological clock plus considered some sort of spinster if you wait around while all your friends are getting married. And yeah, right now I feel you on the don't want to be a quitter. I think we get along great, never fight, etc but while she feels fufilled I don't. And any conversation leads in a loop-which ends at all we can do is try if you're in this if you're not- we break up. She did say she wanted to feel chosen and picked (engaged) before she wanted to open up sexually (earlier had stated mairrage) and have a long year+ engagement, but can't before then. Worse case at least we tried everything and isn't it at least worth fighting for vs walking away? It's hard because I feel about as committed as I could be. I always try to put her first.

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #22 on: April 02, 2019, 11:55:45 AM »
BC: It's hormonal and pill. Obviously I'd be looking at other forms of protection if it was the root cause.

No matter how you skew it; while it may be manipulated to a degree at the same time I'm being manipulative back. When I have told her I can't get married without some sort of established sex life she takes that pretty hard. Like almost I don't love her unconditionally enough to marry her. And it may stem from the past where I did choose someone else over her. 

She said the other day she just knows I'm the one she wants to be with forever through whatever (doesn't matter if we're living in a box or what) and even though there's possibly and probably someone else out there better for me; she hopes i'll pick her. I've tried to consider what would happen if we do separate and it's just this feeling of I don't want anything else. I try to imagine going home to an empty house or not stopping by the store to grab the specific yogurts and cookies she likes on the way home and it's just this empty black hole. I can see myself marrying her, but I guess I just hid that thought away for years. I wouldn't even talk about it up until last year as the idea just wasn't something I knew how to feel about (still dont).

We have another counsoling appointment thursday so i'm hoping maybe we can get more meaningful conversation out that way. Our cruise trip is coming up April 15-26. She was planning on stopping after that as apparantly it wrecks havoc on your body and she wanted to enjoy the vacation.
It's not manipulative to assert your needs in a relationship - sex is a need, and you are allowed to make that a condition of marriage for you - it's only manipulative/abusive if you trick her into it or rape her to get sex.
There's also no need for "unconditional love" because really, that means a person can treat you however they want and you have to keep on loving them, and that's extremely unhealthy. If my partner crossed my boundaries or abused me, I would leave him, even though I love him, because a condition for my love is that I need to be treated well and not abused.
Also, just because you can't picture what else you want now, doesn't mean that what you have is the best it gets. It's hard to see out when you are in a hole, but dig yourself out and look around, and you will see everything else that is out there.
It sounds like she is a lot more set on you than you are on her, and that she has some insecurities and issues as well. Go to counseling and see if you can make progress on any of the issues, but honestly, you don't sound happy or committed and both of you deserve much better than this.

zoochadookdook

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #23 on: April 02, 2019, 11:55:58 AM »
BC: It's hormonal and pill. Obviously I'd be looking at other forms of protection if it was the root cause.

No matter how you skew it; while it may be manipulated to a degree at the same time I'm being manipulative back. When I have told her I can't get married without some sort of established sex life she takes that pretty hard.

This is not manipulative. It is honest.

It is honest; I guess where does it give. I either get engaged and we try to establish something and sink/swim or I decide not to and we break up. Neither is appealing but trying to bring this aspect back to our relationship is something I feel like deserves a try. Obviously it seems offputting (you'll only marry me if _____)

zoochadookdook

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #24 on: April 02, 2019, 12:01:21 PM »
BC: It's hormonal and pill. Obviously I'd be looking at other forms of protection if it was the root cause.

No matter how you skew it; while it may be manipulated to a degree at the same time I'm being manipulative back. When I have told her I can't get married without some sort of established sex life she takes that pretty hard. Like almost I don't love her unconditionally enough to marry her. And it may stem from the past where I did choose someone else over her. 

She said the other day she just knows I'm the one she wants to be with forever through whatever (doesn't matter if we're living in a box or what) and even though there's possibly and probably someone else out there better for me; she hopes i'll pick her. I've tried to consider what would happen if we do separate and it's just this feeling of I don't want anything else. I try to imagine going home to an empty house or not stopping by the store to grab the specific yogurts and cookies she likes on the way home and it's just this empty black hole. I can see myself marrying her, but I guess I just hid that thought away for years. I wouldn't even talk about it up until last year as the idea just wasn't something I knew how to feel about (still dont).

We have another counsoling appointment thursday so i'm hoping maybe we can get more meaningful conversation out that way. Our cruise trip is coming up April 15-26. She was planning on stopping after that as apparantly it wrecks havoc on your body and she wanted to enjoy the vacation.
It's not manipulative to assert your needs in a relationship - sex is a need, and you are allowed to make that a condition of marriage for you - it's only manipulative/abusive if you trick her into it or rape her to get sex.
There's also no need for "unconditional love" because really, that means a person can treat you however they want and you have to keep on loving them, and that's extremely unhealthy. If my partner crossed my boundaries or abused me, I would leave him, even though I love him, because a condition for my love is that I need to be treated well and not abused.
Also, just because you can't picture what else you want now, doesn't mean that what you have is the best it gets. It's hard to see out when you are in a hole, but dig yourself out and look around, and you will see everything else that is out there.
It sounds like she is a lot more set on you than you are on her, and that she has some insecurities and issues as well. Go to counseling and see if you can make progress on any of the issues, but honestly, you don't sound happy or committed and both of you deserve much better than this.

I'm not not commited to her; I'm just not commited to a lifetime commitment if our relationshipp stays how it is. She said she can't promise to change but that's all she can try to do. I tell her I don't expect her do but I also can't be married if we can't work something out like that. To her that sort of kills the engagement idea. We have our 3rd consoling session thursday night and I'm hoping we can get more out there. She definitly does feel insecure and confides that in me; but I'm not sure how much beyond getting engaged I can give on my end.

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #25 on: April 02, 2019, 12:01:36 PM »
As well as the above thoughts (which I skimmed) - what you might need is  a sex therapist.  A counselor is a good start - but if the issue of no sex life calls for a specialist.  There may be other issues your GF isnít admitting (painful sex, previous abuse, etc.). She might be willing to discuss those alone with a counselor and/or sex therapist. 

If she isnít willing to fix this before marriage - do not pass ďGoĒ

If she is willing, still consider not getting married, and really consider whether to have kids!  Donít get married or have unprotected sex during the trying to fix it phase.

zoochadookdook

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #26 on: April 02, 2019, 12:04:39 PM »
IME, marriage does not fix any problems and in fact brings on a lot more problems.  Also, what are your financial situations like?  Do you have significantly more savings than her?  Because if you do, if you get divorced, she gets half. 

Also, going off birth control will make it much easier for an "oops baby" to happen.  What will you do if you end up getting her pregnant?  Maybe she feels that adding a baby to the equation will tip you over toward getting married.

I'm trying to leave finances out of it but yes I have more savings. I also own the house with my father on the title (although she owns most of the furniture and tealights hah). That being said i'm not exactly worth a ton. She mentioned protection even on bc so i'm pretty sure that's not her intent. She wants a kid but not for quite some time.

zoochadookdook

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #27 on: April 02, 2019, 12:06:09 PM »
Just a caveat - when you say she is going to stop the BC, I assume you are talking about the pill or equivalent?  Because yes, the hormones can affect libido.  But the 2 of you need to make sure you have alternative birth control methods in place before you start doing anything.  Because do you really want to set yourselves up for a situation where you feel you "have" to get married because she is pregnant?

And actually why is she talking about stopping BC?  Because if you 2 are not ever having sex, she doesn't need anything for birth control.  If she is taking BC for other health reasons, then stopping it means she needs to have a major talk with her doctor about health repercussions.  Unless you just saying "stopping her BC" is a vague way of saying that it really means getting her hormone based IUD out.  In which case you two still need to think about other BC methods.

Yep the pill. Proper bc measures would be in place.

She's been on it for years to regulate her periods.

zoochadookdook

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #28 on: April 02, 2019, 12:59:59 PM »
As well as the above thoughts (which I skimmed) - what you might need is  a sex therapist.  A counselor is a good start - but if the issue of no sex life calls for a specialist.  There may be other issues your GF isnít admitting (painful sex, previous abuse, etc.). She might be willing to discuss those alone with a counselor and/or sex therapist. 

If she isnít willing to fix this before marriage - do not pass ďGoĒ

If she is willing, still consider not getting married, and really consider whether to have kids!  Donít get married or have unprotected sex during the trying to fix it phase.

To clarify she's willing to try and open up if we get engaged (and a longer engagement 1 year+ would be fine). I may look at a therapist if this consoler doesn't open any doors. All out of pocket so only one at a time.

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #29 on: April 02, 2019, 01:11:54 PM »
@zoochadookdook - I think I just read a bit higher up the thread that you're only on your 3rd counseling session?  While there are many other things here to address in conversation, I'd like to speak to this one.
Please continue going to counseling.  If it doesn't seem like a good fit (perhaps after 5-6 visits), change counselors or seek a sex counselor specifically.  Planned Parenthood sometimes offers sex counseling, as do many private practices.

Many cultures also have a LOT of stigma surrounding sex, so even if it might seem like you're not making "progress" please know that this is a hard subject to address even in counseling with a closed door. 
*I consider myself pretty sex-positive/open and I still get walled-up and only want to talk at a slow and deliberate way with friends or my counselor about sex topics.

I won't speak to whether or not you should get engaged, married, or have kids.  But I do know that if you'd like to continue your relationship you should commit to continued counseling. 
As a person who put off therapy for 30-something years, I am just now beginning the process.  I have been in therapy 3x week (1/2 hour sessions) for just shy of a year now, and I'd say I am just scraping the surface.
Give it time.

I wish you both the best of luck <3

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #30 on: April 02, 2019, 01:17:21 PM »
As well as the above thoughts (which I skimmed) - what you might need is  a sex therapist.  A counselor is a good start - but if the issue of no sex life calls for a specialist.  There may be other issues your GF isnít admitting (painful sex, previous abuse, etc.). She might be willing to discuss those alone with a counselor and/or sex therapist. 

If she isnít willing to fix this before marriage - do not pass ďGoĒ

If she is willing, still consider not getting married, and really consider whether to have kids!  Donít get married or have unprotected sex during the trying to fix it phase.

To clarify she's willing to try and open up if we get engaged (and a longer engagement 1 year+ would be fine). I may look at a therapist if this consoler doesn't open any doors. All out of pocket so only one at a time.

Sheís willing ONKY if you get engaged. Hard No. donít get engaged unless you see real progress in counseling (pedantic note - counselor, not consoled).  I read @Frankies Girl post more fully - spot on. For whatever reason - this ďengagement ď / sex quid pro quo is just extortion.  Break up.  But continue counseling on your own to figure out why you think blackmail is a kind offer. 

Good luck. 

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #31 on: April 02, 2019, 01:18:08 PM »
@zoochadookdook - I think I just read a bit higher up the thread that you're only on your 3rd counseling session?  While there are many other things here to address in conversation, I'd like to speak to this one.
Please continue going to counseling.  If it doesn't seem like a good fit (perhaps after 5-6 visits), change counselors or seek a sex counselor specifically.  Planned Parenthood sometimes offers sex counseling, as do many private practices.

Many cultures also have a LOT of stigma surrounding sex, so even if it might seem like you're not making "progress" please know that this is a hard subject to address even in counseling with a closed door. 
*I consider myself pretty sex-positive/open and I still get walled-up and only want to talk at a slow and deliberate way with friends or my counselor about sex topics.

I won't speak to whether or not you should get engaged, married, or have kids.  But I do know that if you'd like to continue your relationship you should commit to continued counseling. 
As a person who put off therapy for 30-something years, I am just now beginning the process.  I have been in therapy 3x week (1/2 hour sessions) for just shy of a year now, and I'd say I am just scraping the surface.
Give it time.

I wish you both the best of luck <3

Thanks, I tried to research a bunch of areas around us and a lot had less than stellar reviews/it's not quite as easy to find as say-a good salon. She did mention she thinks I should seek individual consoling to better work out what's important to me as she's pretty clear in that she knows what she wants and that may be true as well. I plan on going to a individual session this satuday at a different place.

zoochadookdook

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #32 on: April 02, 2019, 01:21:03 PM »
As well as the above thoughts (which I skimmed) - what you might need is  a sex therapist.  A counselor is a good start - but if the issue of no sex life calls for a specialist.  There may be other issues your GF isnít admitting (painful sex, previous abuse, etc.). She might be willing to discuss those alone with a counselor and/or sex therapist. 

If she isnít willing to fix this before marriage - do not pass ďGoĒ

If she is willing, still consider not getting married, and really consider whether to have kids!  Donít get married or have unprotected sex during the trying to fix it phase.

To clarify she's willing to try and open up if we get engaged (and a longer engagement 1 year+ would be fine). I may look at a therapist if this consoler doesn't open any doors. All out of pocket so only one at a time.

Sheís willing ONKY if you get engaged. Hard No. donít get engaged unless you see real progress in counseling (pedantic note - counselor, not consoled).  I read @Frankies Girl post more fully - spot on. For whatever reason - this ďengagement ď / sex quid pro quo is just extortion.  Break up.  But continue counseling on your own to figure out why you think blackmail is a kind offer. 

Good luck.

I know what I did years agp hurt her and neither of use has actually addressed it until recently. In her mind engagement might seem/actually be what allows her to open back up in that way but neither of us actually know if she's capable of feeling like that aside from her promise to "try like hell"

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #33 on: April 02, 2019, 01:21:38 PM »
A ring and piece of paper will not change this; don't get married expecting that your partner will change.  Your partner will change, but it will probably be in ways you can't anticipate. 

She's interested in marriage, you're not.

You're interested in sex, she's not.

To be blunt, it doesn't sound like your wants/needs are compatible for a long-term relationship.

This is a much more concise version of what I was going to say.

The fact that you're here stating such large life questions shows that you have serious reservations. Your partner is trying to bully you into making a commitment before she will even try to make the relationship something you'd want. Sounds like a 100% no go.

This.

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You two would probably be happier not together.

There is only so much energy people can expend on compromising and changing themselves before resentment and/or indifference start to build in.

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For the OP, do you feel like you are attractive?  One thing I've noticed is that people who feel like they are attractive (not just physically, but personality too) are much more likely to exit a bad relationship.  For people that don't feel like they are attractive, they often stick around because "who else could possibly love me".  It's one of those unstated, underlying issues I see frequently with friends/family/acquaintances. 

zoochadookdook

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For the OP, do you feel like you are attractive?  One thing I've noticed is that people who feel like they are attractive (not just physically, but personality too) are much more likely to exit a bad relationship.  For people that don't feel like they are attractive, they often stick around because "who else could possibly love me".  It's one of those unstated, underlying issues I see frequently with friends/family/acquaintances.

I think so. I teach wrestling on the side some nights and am in near the best shape of my life. I'm 6ft, 190lbs and feel good at this weight (I used to compete around 165/170 so a bit heavier but hey  it happens). I could find people to date and whatever but I have no desire to.
« Last Edit: May 02, 2019, 01:25:53 PM by zoochadookdook »

Padonak

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Dude, run!

zoochadookdook

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Dude, run!

Lol anyone can run, I'm trying to work this out as best as I can. It may end or it may not, but I'd like to at least try and not have any regrets.

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Re: 7 year relationship. No sexual desire. She wants to get married.
« Reply #39 on: April 02, 2019, 02:45:09 PM »
BC: It's hormonal and pill. Obviously I'd be looking at other forms of protection if it was the root cause.

No matter how you skew it; while it may be manipulated to a degree at the same time I'm being manipulative back. When I have told her I can't get married without some sort of established sex life she takes that pretty hard. Like almost I don't love her unconditionally enough to marry her. And it may stem from the past where I did choose someone else over her. 

She said the other day she just knows I'm the one she wants to be with forever through whatever (doesn't matter if we're living in a box or what) and even though there's possibly and probably someone else out there better for me; she hopes i'll pick her. I've tried to consider what would happen if we do separate and it's just this feeling of I don't want anything else. I try to imagine going home to an empty house or not stopping by the store to grab the specific yogurts and cookies she likes on the way home and it's just this empty black hole. I can see myself marrying her, but I guess I just hid that thought away for years. I wouldn't even talk about it up until last year as the idea just wasn't something I knew how to feel about (still dont).

We have another counsoling appointment thursday so i'm hoping maybe we can get more meaningful conversation out that way. Our cruise trip is coming up April 15-26. She was planning on stopping after that as apparantly it wrecks havoc on your body and she wanted to enjoy the vacation.



The part in red I highlighted above? That's where your youth and naivety is showing.

Big, scary truth bomb here: there is no such thing as unconditional love in a healthy relationship. That is love beyond reasonable. That is loving a serial killer or abuser or someone that continually hurts you because "he's a good man when he's sober and not smacking me and the kids around" type of love. It twists things around and the fact that you can't take a step back and re-read what you've written here and seen how absolutely sick your entire relationship is... that is super scary.

Unconditional love is a desperate sort of romanticized love that means "you have to forgive me even when I act like a shit to you because you LOOVE me" - it is not real and it is not something to strive for in a mature relationship. At best it is what a parent might feel towards their child - but in a grown up mature relationship - you will always have conditions. Being treated like garbage and never being forgiven for a past mistake, or living sexless for the rest of your life unless she wants to have a kid should be hills to die on.

Just because you made some mistakes and she made some mistakes... so that makes you even/made for each other? No, it doesn't. This is not something you just settle for. You have great reservations, otherwise this wouldn't even be a think to question. LISTEN TO YOUR INNER VOICE.

That whole coming home to an empty house and stopping off to buy her food things and all the stuff you shared mutually over the years and it is just so scary to think about her not being there any more? That's fear of the unknown and being alone and feeling stupid for having invested so much time into this and the next step should just be getting married and popping out kids and ..... it's fear and loss of the familiar and comfortable. You are friends. You are comfortable together. That does NOT mean you are a good couple or should get married.

What you want is a true, deep, and abiding love that is a based on respect, on desire, and true affection and concern for the other person's wellbeing and happiness. It is kindness. It is forgiveness when asked for. It is support when one of you is hurting. It is being open and non-judgmental when someone makes a mistake. It is setting clear boundaries in what you and your partner need from each other and doing your damnedest to follow through with them. It is caring for your partner's needs as if they are your own.

Do you think your girlfriend is considering your feelings over all these years? Do you think it is right to be continually chastized and guilted for things you deeply regret and have apologized for over and over again? Is this how you want the rest of your life to be? Just okay, feeling neglected and sometimes very lonely in this relationship, but hey, at least she's someone to sit on the couch with or go out to dinner right? Warm body without any real connection/affection for the rest of your life - FTW!

It is not holding grudges forever and setting ultimatums. If you have something you want/need from your partner, it means talking through things without threats, or guilt, or "well, you OWE me" bullshit. You work things out and compromise, or you part ways with the understanding that as much as you loved each other, some things just should not be compromised on. Sex, having/not having kids, using a past mistake as a stick to beat you with forever, holding out the carrot of "maybe I'll sex you again if you marry me?" This is a hard line, absolute - dangerous, unhealthy, completely wrong and poisonous.

You've both been drinking the hemlock for so long, you don't realize there is any other way to be, and you're both too scared of leaving and the unknown out there to just make a clean break. And again - look up SUNK COST FALLACY. It applies to relationships too.

I'm gonna check out of this at this point because I think it likely you're not really wanting to do the hard stuff of leaving and starting over. That makes me sad. For the both of you. Because I have zero doubt that you're going to end up with a child or two and divorced and very, very bitter and depressed 5 years from now if not sooner. And it didn't have to be that way if you valued yourself AND HER enough to do the hard but very right thing and break up and get counseling to work through all this stuff so your next relationship could be beautiful.

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You seem to be stuck in some kind of relationship sunk cost fallacy. Y'all have huge compatibility issues (goals, sex drive, communication) that only seem like working on because of how long y'all have been together.

Luckily, you are both young enough to focus on finding someone each of you are significantly more compatible with and still meet your goals with that future partner.

One more internet stranger that thinks it is time to end this and each of you start the effort to find more compatible partners.

bwall

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I wish that I'd had friends like @Frankies Girl and @Kris to get advice from when I was dating and trying to decide what 'the right thing' was.

I'll add my name to the chorus of those saying in some form: 'if you think you're miserable now, just wait until you're married'.

Life goes on.

WhiteTrashCash

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I'm kind of stunned that the OP even asked this question on this forum. I'm not really sure when we became Reddit.

Bateaux

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Cassie

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You need to fix your sex life before marriage.  If that canít be fixed you wonít be happy. Even old people want sex. Itís a basic human need.  Itís much worse to get divorced than to break up with someone at this point in your relationship. Marriage is hard and kids make it harder.

englishteacheralex

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@Frankies Girl is on the nose. Dude, you sound really, really young. This is an immature relationship. I think it's struck a nerve because probably a lot of us have some complicated memories of relationships that had intractable problems just like the ones you describe...and some of us had to learn the hard way that we should have run. Others of us didn't run and wish we had.

The intense young love long term boyfriend that inhabited the chapter of my own life that parallels yours...the dude broke it off and I was devastated. Twenty years later I can't believe he put up with me for as long as he did. He didn't bail earlier because he was young, naive, and inexperienced. Trust me: leaving me in the lurch to figure out my issues and grow up was the best decision the guy ever made for both of us.

I got married about ten years later, at 33. My marriage is really happy. The other guy got married to someone else, and as far as I can tell, he's really happy, too. Listen to the old cynical folks here. Get some counseling and get out.

Kris

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@Frankies Girl is on the nose. Dude, you sound really, really young. This is an immature relationship. I think it's struck a nerve because probably a lot of us have some complicated memories of relationships that had intractable problems just like the ones you describe...and some of us had to learn the hard way that we should have run. Others of us didn't run and wish we had.

The intense young love long term boyfriend that inhabited the chapter of my own life that parallels yours...the dude broke it off and I was devastated. Twenty years later I can't believe he put up with me for as long as he did. He didn't bail earlier because he was young, naive, and inexperienced. Trust me: leaving me in the lurch to figure out my issues and grow up was the best decision the guy ever made for both of us.

I got married about ten years later, at 33. My marriage is really happy. The other guy got married to someone else, and as far as I can tell, he's really happy, too. Listen to the old cynical folks here. Get some counseling and get out.

This. 100%.

former player

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Something that hasn't been mentioned yet is the possibility that your girlfriend is demi sexual - someone who only experiences sexual attraction when they have a strong emotional connection with their sexual partner.  That might fit with the notion that she did experience desire for you before your infidelity but that since then she has not been able to recreate the necessary romantic connection with you that would lead to her having sexual feelings towards you.

Her request for a commitment from you in the form of marriage might be what she needs in order for her to recreate that missing romantic connection.  But I can't see how you can make that commitment in the absence of any certainty that it will make that difference.  Commendably, you are not prepared either to lie about your commitment or to make a commitment while thinking that you will break it later if it doesn't work out.  Sadly, I think that means that the two of you have reached an impasse: there is no way forward out of this current situation based on what you say about your commitment to her that can work for both of you.

A relationship which hasn't been sexual for 7 years is a friends relationship or a brother/sister relationship, not a husband/wife relationship.   Married friends tell me that after a few decades their relationship becomes much less about the sex, but marriage should not start out that way.  It might be worth one final try of your girlfriend going off the pill to see if that makes a difference to her - it could well take 3 months or more for her hormones to regulate back to baseline and find this out.  Alternative forms of contraception are essential if you are trying this route.  And if it doesn't work, time for both of you to move on to finding the relationships which will make each of you feel complete.

Good luck.

v8rx7guy

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kei te pai

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Well there is a general consensus here that marriage isnt a good idea. I agree - but!
I would ask yourself a few questions here OP.
Do you act toward her as someone you desire? Do you sleep in the same bed? Do you laugh and cuddle and caress?  Do you kiss her and tell her she smells wonderful? Will you sit on the couch and hold her hand? Bring her breakfast in bed?
Sex is not just wham bam thank you ma'am.
Sex starts way before you get to the bedroom, or even touch.
So may be if you want a sexual relationship you need to do some courtship!
Her lack of desire may simply reflect your lack of interest in emotional connection.
« Last Edit: April 02, 2019, 10:33:40 PM by kei te pai »