WaPo article: My kids have too much stuff

[Cherry Lane]

We need to see more like this:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/10/16/my-kids-have-too-much-stuff/

[MayDay]

That speaks to me just about 100% perfectly,.  But it falls short of actually being helpful, since apparently she gets stuck at the same place I do, which is how the hell do you stop the stuff from coming in? 

I am totally and completely anti-plastic-junk.  Hate hate hate.  Here are some examples, just within e lat week or so, of how it got into my house:

1.  H was in a race, and at the registration they had tons of booths giving away absolute shit.  Just plastic thing after plastic thing.  He brought them home "because the kids wild like them" which they did for ten seconds, and then I threw it all away. 

2.  A friend gave us a bucket of Halloween treats, but since her kids have food allergies, they were all non-food treats, ie plastic junk. 

3.  My mom visited and showered the kids with junk- Halloween necklaces (already discarded in some corner of their rooms) and "grow your own zombie" toys, among other things. 

4.  My sister visited and gave them each a little flashlight.  Those are actually still being used, a week later.  Miracle! 

Etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.  it just never fucking ends.  And I try to balance being the bad guy who just doesn't let it in in the first place, with letting them have it since it was a gift to them, not me. 

We buy them very little.  They get a gift or three at their birthdays and Christmas, and really that is all.  If we do buy anything else it tends to be for an activity- like bike baskets- or something educational like books or a board game (which even then, we have enough of them and the library provides access, so we don't need to own them).  So it's not coming from us.  It is all the people who care about the kids, and want to show their love with junk. 

And my mom, bless her heart, sort of gets it.  She is giving the kids art camp for Christmas instead of stuff.  But she won't be able to resist five plastic trinkets in deduction to art camp.  She just won't.  The pull is too strong.  She has the disposable income, and she likes to buy stuff for her only grand kids.  While I wish she would funnel those 20$ here and there into a 529, it's not my choice. 

In terms of managing it once it gets in the house, I do two things.  I have a toy jail.  Anything left out after a reminder gets out in toy jail.  Amazingly (sarcasm) if they didn't care enough to bother to clean it up, they rarely care if it goes away forever.  They can get one thing out of toy jail each day if everything else is picked up.  The other thing I do is they each have a junk box in their room, about the size of a shoe box.  They have to be able to fit all their junk in their box, everything else gets pitched. 

[lauren_knows]

One of the biggest things I've noticed from being a parent is going to other parent's houses and seeing the incredible PILES of stuff their kids have.  Our kid has a little corner of our living room with a "play kitchen", some puzzles, a bunch of blocks, and a play workbench (real wood!) that his grandparents got him.  That's about it.   I have a notable friend who's entire ~800sqft basement is a dedicated kids room... completely filled with toys.  It's obscene and not uncommon.

[GardenFun]

It just never fucking ends.   

So it's not coming from us.  It is all the people who care about the kids, and want to show their love with junk. 

I have a toy jail.  Anything left out after a reminder gets out in toy jail.  Amazingly (sarcasm) if they didn't care enough to bother to clean it up, they rarely care if it goes away forever.  They can get one thing out of toy jail each day if everything else is picked up. 

OMG, I am peeing my pants laughing because this mirrors our life perfectly!  I am dreading the approaching holidays because the upcoming fights over presents is going to be ugly.  On one family side, I have the only grandchildren so that means I'm taking away grandparent's divine-given right to let them shower the kids with whatever they want.  On the other side, DH is already throwing a sh*t fit over the amount of toy crap in the house.  So I get to be both the toy-purger and Ebeneezer Scrooge.  And people wonder why alcohol sales skyrocket over the holidays....

The toy jail option is awesome.  I am totally stealing that idea! 

[MayDay]

I should call it toy purgatory, and if the toy stays in purgatory for longer than a month, it goes to toy hell aka goodwill.

Or maybe toy jail works, and after a month long sentence in jail, the toy gets locked up in toy prison for life.

[Cherry Lane]

That speaks to me just about 100% perfectly,.  But it falls short of actually being helpful, since apparently she gets stuck at the same place I do, which is how the hell do you stop the stuff from coming in? 

Yes, unfortunately the article isn't helpful in this regard.  I was just happy to see some anti-consumerist words in the mainstream media.

First we raise awareness...


I do have a question to those of you with a "toy jail"  or "one in one out" policy:  are you unintentionally promoting the consideration of toys as disposable?  Is throwing them out ok?

[MayDay]

Yes, I do think so, absolutely.

But what else can I do? All I can come up with is to refuse gifts which is considered rude.  If it's something like a sticker at target, I try to talk them out of it on the spot.

I try to frame things as "would you really play with this, or would it be better to give it to someone who doesn't have so many nice toys already?"  My kids probably think goodwill is a direct conduit to kids with no toys, lol.

[Bob W]

This xmas for relatives and friend who give your kids crap you don't want,  gently ask them to give the gift of sharing an experience with them.  Take them on the Santa Express or to the zoo or a fun activity. 

This is an amazing gift as it also has the added benefit of getting the kids out of the house so you can secretly wrap their xmas presents stashed in your closet.  lol

[infogoon]

"Why does my GI Joe have a neck tattoo now?"

"Toy jail changed him."

[GardenFun]

So let's generate some ways to reduce/eliminate the consumerism this holiday season. 

Do you create a list of activities your kids want to do and tell people to choose from them? 
Do you avoid generating the stupid toy list? (This is what we currently do).
Do you give the one good present to relatives as a means to appease them?
Do you have a non-present holiday?  (not against it.....)

Any ideas that have worked in the past would be great! 

[PloddingInsight]

"Why does my GI Joe have a neck tattoo now?"

"Toy jail changed him."

+1, would read again.

[socaso]

Last Christmas I thought my son might like a stuffed toy so I headed to the thrift store where I was greeted by piles upon piles of brand new looking stuffed animals who looked as though they had never known love. To me that speaks loud and clear that kids today get too many toys and just don't care about what they have. I bought him a perfectly adorable stuffed dragon, which he proceeded to treat like a red-headed stepchild so maybe I won't bother with stuffed animals this year. 

[mm1970]

Oy I can so relate.  The plastic stuff. Birthday parties, dentist, trader joe's, school carnival, the prize box at school.

I threaten to throw away things that are left out.

[GuitarStv]

Our son isn't even a year old, and he has more toys in the house by both volume and weight than I have personal possessions.  We haven't even bought any of them . . . people keep throwing this crap at us.  I am absolutely terrified about what the house will look like after his first birthday and Christmas.  The waste hurts my soul.

[justajane]

4.  My sister visited and gave them each a little flashlight.  Those are actually still being used, a week later.  Miracle! 

Etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.  it just never fucking ends. 

It truly never ends.

What's up with adults giving kids flashlights? I shit you not - between my three kids we probably have dozens lying around, most of which are broken, many of which broke on the first use. A dollar store flashlight doesn't last when an adult uses it. And a child? He'll break that thing in five minutes flat. Oh, and the batteries from when they leave them on stresses me the hell out.

In general my mom is terrible about giving the kids age inappropriate thing and then she gets frustrated when they break it or are not interested.

The 529/saving bond suggestions have always fallen on deaf ears. I have about 5 or so freakouts a year about all the kid junk in our house, but overall I try to let it go and ruthlessly throw away the little plastic crap they get at the doctor's and at parties.

One day I'll probably miss the chaos and clutter.

[GardenFun]

Our son isn't even a year old, and he has more toys in the house by both volume and weight than I have personal possessions.  We haven't even bought any of them . . . people keep throwing this crap at us.  I am absolutely terrified about what the house will look like after his first birthday and Christmas.  The waste hurts my soul.

Do your best to set ground rules now.  Maybe try "until he's old enough to ask for items, no one buy anything for holidays.  If you still feel like giving something, we'll take the money and put it in his account."

We waited too long for this rule and it took 3 years to get implemented.  And it is still a struggle. 

[Primm]

That speaks to me just about 100% perfectly,.  But it falls short of actually being helpful, since apparently she gets stuck at the same place I do, which is how the hell do you stop the stuff from coming in? 

Yes, unfortunately the article isn't helpful in this regard.  I was just happy to see some anti-consumerist words in the mainstream media.

First we raise awareness...


I do have a question to those of you with a "toy jail"  or "one in one out" policy:  are you unintentionally promoting the consideration of toys as disposable?  Is throwing them out ok?

My kids are well post the toys age, also they no longer live at home. But when they did...

We had a toy jail / purgatory / time out zone. We used to take the toys to the doctors surgeries and hospital waiting rooms around the place. It got to the point where they deliberately didn't pick up stuff they didn't want because they wanted to take it to kids who could use it, so it kind of backfired, but we ended up with way less shit. And they became pretty choosy about what they got out to play with and whether they put it away when they'd finished.

I sound like a bad parent. But they've turned out ok, I think, so I must have done something right. :)

[dude]

That speaks to me just about 100% perfectly,.  But it falls short of actually being helpful, since apparently she gets stuck at the same place I do, which is how the hell do you stop the stuff from coming in? 

I am totally and completely anti-plastic-junk.  Hate hate hate.  Here are some examples, just within e lat week or so, of how it got into my house:

1.  H was in a race, and at the registration they had tons of booths giving away absolute shit.  Just plastic thing after plastic thing.  He brought them home "because the kids wild like them" which they did for ten seconds, and then I threw it all away. 

2.  A friend gave us a bucket of Halloween treats, but since her kids have food allergies, they were all non-food treats, ie plastic junk. 

3.  My mom visited and showered the kids with junk- Halloween necklaces (already discarded in some corner of their rooms) and "grow your own zombie" toys, among other things. 

4.  My sister visited and gave them each a little flashlight.  Those are actually still being used, a week later.  Miracle! 

Etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.  it just never fucking ends.  And I try to balance being the bad guy who just doesn't let it in in the first place, with letting them have it since it was a gift to them, not me. 

We buy them very little.  They get a gift or three at their birthdays and Christmas, and really that is all.  If we do buy anything else it tends to be for an activity- like bike baskets- or something educational like books or a board game (which even then, we have enough of them and the library provides access, so we don't need to own them).  So it's not coming from us.  It is all the people who care about the kids, and want to show their love with junk. 

And my mom, bless her heart, sort of gets it.  She is giving the kids art camp for Christmas instead of stuff.  But she won't be able to resist five plastic trinkets in deduction to art camp.  She just won't.  The pull is too strong.  She has the disposable income, and she likes to buy stuff for her only grand kids.  While I wish she would funnel those 20$ here and there into a 529, it's not my choice. 

In terms of managing it once it gets in the house, I do two things.  I have a toy jail.  Anything left out after a reminder gets out in toy jail.  Amazingly (sarcasm) if they didn't care enough to bother to clean it up, they rarely care if it goes away forever.  They can get one thing out of toy jail each day if everything else is picked up.  The other thing I do is they each have a junk box in their room, about the size of a shoe box.  They have to be able to fit all their junk in their box, everything else gets pitched.

MayDay, I am SO with you on this.  No kids, but my wife will often bring home plastic promotional junk they hand out at the gym, work, etc.  It drives me nuts.  The world is swimming in toxic plastic, and it just might kill our oceans if it doesn't stop.  A huge amount of those plastic trinkets/garbage winds up in our environment.  JUST SAY NO!!!!!

[merula]

My kids are younger than most discussed here (2.5 and 0.5), but the amount of stuff they have is still ridiculous. I've tried everything I can think of, but it doesn't work and I'm dreading Christmas.

If I ask for very specific things that fit my values (i.e. not cheap plastic junk) and I know will get used, the presents double because "Well, I wanted to pick out something too."

If I don't ask for anything, the presents triple because "I just couldn't choose, it all looked so great."

If I ask for only one toy, I get a bag of 100 plastic ball-pit balls. Because "it's just one thing! Haha!"

The one thing that has (sort of) worked is to say that they can only take one gift home, the rest will stay at Grandma's/Aunt's/etc., but then I have to deal with the disappointment when I enforce the rule. (So far that disappointment has only been on the giver's side, but I'm pretty sure this is the year that the kid starts realizing he opened more presents than he's bringing home.)

I want to do the "ask for experience" thing, but I'm afraid that'd going to backfire too. Has anyone had any success with this that they can share?

[James]

As with all things, it's a balance. Need to get used to saying no, and get the kids used to hearing no. But sometimes I just let it go when needed, and then throw it away at first chance later.


I do find my kids are fine more often then I realize with just walking away from free things. I can simply say "do your really want it? You don't have to take anything", and sometimes they do walk away. So it's worth reminding kids that they don't need to take things just because they are free or given, no is an answer they need to learn also.


But mostly we are ruthless in just throwing things out or taking to drop it off. We don't have a jail, we just throw it away or put it in a box in the garage and then drop off when convenient. Kids get used to that, just need to pay a little attention so you don't throw out something they value, but even that they will get over quickly.


The one advantage I see, is that my kids don't seem to develop a great attachment to "things". For the most part, things come and go, and that is one positive aspect. Learning that things aren't of great value is something I had to learn the hard way, maybe it will come more naturally to the next generation.

[eyePod]

And I literally just got an e-mail from a friend about our upcoming daughter's 2 year old birthday party. We're debating about asking for swim/dance lessons from our YMCA. I'm just happy that our friends come out to this and have a fun night out! We really don't need the stuff... *SIGH* At least she'll get some new, non-used clothes out of the deal?

[eyePod]

This xmas for relatives and friend who give your kids crap you don't want,  gently ask them to give the gift of sharing an experience with them.  Take them on the Santa Express or to the zoo or a fun activity. 

This is an amazing gift as it also has the added benefit of getting the kids out of the house so you can secretly wrap their xmas presents stashed in your closet.  lol

But then their relatives will actually have to THINK before buying an impulse gift! GASP! That's basically work!

[eyePod]

And I literally just got an e-mail from a friend about our upcoming daughter's 2 year old birthday party. We're debating about asking for swim/dance lessons from our YMCA. I'm just happy that our friends come out to this and have a fun night out! We really don't need the stuff... *SIGH* At least she'll get some new, non-used clothes out of the deal?

And one set of grandparents has been really good about it (not the first 6 months, but when we showed them all of the stuff they understood) and now they spend a little on gifts (outfits, a toy, not too much) and then give us $$$ to put in her 529. The other set isn't as good about it, and we all don't want to seem ungrateful. Just a weird place to be in when you're not attached to stuff like everyone else seems to be. There's a scale of "stuff" and we're all at different places on it; it's just hard to remember that when their lack of discretion impacts you directly.

[RyanAtTanagra]

It got to the point where they deliberately didn't pick up stuff they didn't want because they wanted to take it to kids who could use it...

I sound like a bad parent. But they've turned out ok, I think, so I must have done something right. :)

Yes, horrible horrible parenting right there ;-P

[Goldielocks]

I should call it toy purgatory, and if the toy stays in purgatory for longer than a month, it goes to toy hell aka goodwill.

Or maybe toy jail works, and after a month long sentence in jail, the toy gets locked up in toy prison for life.

I had toy jail too, but they never saw it again until...  the next kids birthday party or friends barbeque, or etc.   For birthday parties, I would clean up a large bag full of the best plastic toys, and use them for grab bag gifts for the game winners  (parties at our home).   Plenty of prizes to go around, and the kids LOVED it, and did not care they were recycled until they were over 6 yrs.   They got to choose their prize.   This was a great use of the better made McDonalds toys and other grandparent items.

My kids liked that their guests had something to take home like at other parties.

[Apples]

"Why does my GI Joe have a neck tattoo now?"

"Toy jail changed him."

Thank you for this.  It's hilarious.  I'm laughing out loud at my desk at work. Fantastic.

[MayDay]

I should call it toy purgatory, and if the toy stays in purgatory for longer than a month, it goes to toy hell aka goodwill.

Or maybe toy jail works, and after a month long sentence in jail, the toy gets locked up in toy prison for life.

I had toy jail too, but they never saw it again until...  the next kids birthday party or friends barbeque, or etc.   For birthday parties, I would clean up a large bag full of the best plastic toys, and use them for grab bag gifts for the game winners  (parties at our home).   Plenty of prizes to go around, and the kids LOVED it, and did not care they were recycled until they were over 6 yrs.   They got to choose their prize.   This was a great use of the better made McDonalds toys and other grandparent items.

My kids liked that their guests had something to take home like at other parties.

This is a great idea. I'm going to cull through toy jail and set aside things to use as birthday party favors.  Kill two birds, I get rid of our junk and don't have to buy new junk as favors!

I did start doing this for Halloween. Anytime in the last month that the kids got given individually wrapped junk food or little plastic junk, I put it aside to hand out at trick or treat.

[iris lily]

At work there is a new movement for our workplace to officially collect "Toys for Tots" for the holidays.

Ugh, just--ugh. This thread reminded me of it. I can assure you all from living in the 'hood as I do that poor kids have just as much cheap plastic crap as middle class kids. Acres of it.

People like giving cheap crap to kids, so when we as society combine that desire--it's a cheap and easy feel good moment--with an organized effort to show off in front of people at work and then, wrap it in a big package of "tradition" (the T for T program is decades old)--it's a formula for success.

The Toys for Tots program probably had a genesis in the days when plastic crap was not so bloody cheap and ubiquitous. Perhaps it was of value way back in the day. But not now, it's just a remnant of old school

Needless to say, I won't be participating in this program and I will speak against its adoption at the Administrative meetings I attend. I should probably write a check to one of any number of social welfare organizations to prove that my Scrooge attitude is against the proliferation of plastic toys, and not from a desire to offer to the less fortunate.

[iris lily]

The concept of giveaways of  cheap crap exists in the adult world, just not (of course) as pervasive.

I loathe and despise the idea that adults must be given T-shirts for every volunteer effort in which they participate. T-shirt for donating $50 to the building campaign! T-shirt for attending a rally. T-shirt for contributing at a significant level to NPR!  T-shirt for that. It never ends. Someone in my dog group was actually shocked when I turned down the free T-shirt she was giving me. No lady, i don't want more free junk in my house.

Then there are the professional conferences where "bags" must be given out along with reams of information and the stupid "goody bag." Just stop it already, I'm not 5 years old.

[MandalayVA]

"Why does my GI Joe have a neck tattoo now?"

"Toy jail changed him."

The internet, you win it!

[pachnik]

I have no kids - so no issues at home with toys.

But I can sure relate to what Iris Lily said about the free t-shirts

I want to give my kids some $$ to invest in stocks.  I just sold some stock this week that I had acquired from a former company's employee stock purchase plan.  We made a really good return on our money.  In talking with the kids and teaching them about the stock market, I thought it would be neat if they each picked a few stocks from companies they admire and we track them and follow them.  My daughter said she would pick Apple and Chipotle.  My son wants to buy Microsoft.

I love this idea.  What a pair of money-savvy kids you are bringing up Andrea-stache.  I obviously own stock in my index/mutual funds but this sounds like fun (for me).  Watching an individual stock or two.

[RetiredAt63]

A hidden disadvantage of so many toys is that they cannot realistically keep them tidy.  Then they just give up and don't put things away.  Any things.

I got so tired of DD dropping her school backpack in the front hall that I told her the next time she did it I was throwing it out the front door (picked this idea up someplace, forget where now). And she did. And I did.  And she was totally shocked as she retrieved it from the snow.  And I told her the next time I was throwing it further (= deeper snow).  It made it to her room after that.  Negative reinforcement can work, when coupled with shock value.

[sekritdino]

"Why does my GI Joe have a neck tattoo now?"

"Toy jail changed him."

Oh god I lol-ed so hard at this!