38 just seems so old...
I'm so sorry about your baby.
Further thoughts on assessing whether to have another child.
IMO, good reasons to decide NOT have another child:
- realistic assessment of your ability to handle raising the child. If you have another, will you really have enough time, attention, patience, energy, and money to raise all your children the way you feel they need? Would you have some reserve in the tank to deal with the unexpected, i.e. health issues or simply a difficult personality? I was thinking about this the other day, and it is not clear to me that my family gets much in the way of bulk savings in terms of my time. I would say that having 2 regular, healthy kids is about 1.9 times as hard as having 1 kid, having 3 kids might be 2.8 times as hard as having 1 kid, if you get what I mean. It's still a lot. I still have trouble (as I have written elsewhere in this forum) with allocating enough attention to each child.
- a problematic spouse or family situation. When you have another child, you will probably get more of what you have already, not a cure for any existing problems. Do you have a dramatic family? More drama. Do you have a joyous family? More joy.
- health issues; life threatening or such that if exacerbated by pregnancy could long-term impede your ability to care for existing children
IMO, bad reasons to NOT have another child:
- Fear of emotion or passing discomfort, unless you have always struggled to overcome depression or anxiety.
As for the age thing, well, reproductive biology seems to be so idiosyncratic. I was fortunate to have healthy kids at ages 39 and 43! And I have many friends who have had healthy children in their 40s... as well as those who have had losses at all ages, as well as surprisingly many who had kids with the help of reproductive technology. If I could do it all over again, I would start having kids at 25 and stop at 35, but it's not the end of hope if you are over that age. It does mean extra anxiety and testing, but the new technologies are quite amazing... much less agonizing over having an amniocentesis, as most checks can be done with a simple maternal blood test these days. When I realized I was pregnant in my 40s, I did shut down my emotions and reserved no hope until I was mostly sure that the baby was viable and healthy. I am not sure how I would have reacted had the pregnancy not been viable, but I think it helped to not get attached too soon.