Author Topic: When did you start a family?  (Read 20239 times)

alwayslearning

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When did you start a family?
« on: September 30, 2014, 08:38:32 AM »
How old were you when you decided to start a family?

My husband and I are 27/28 and we are trying to decide when we would like to start a family. We are thinking anywhere from 2-5 years. I will be 33 if we wait 5 years. What are the benefits of waiting until your 30's rather than starting in your late 20's?

I have a little bit of baby-fever right now, so waiting 5 years seems like an eternity, but I feel like it may be best for our family in the long run. We'd like to have one parent stay home or have both of us part-time to raise our child(ren) together. I never thought this would be possible before reading MMM.

cynthia1848

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2014, 08:58:55 AM »
YMMV, of course.  I got baby fever also at age 27 and our first was born when I turned 29 (we share a birthday).  Second at 31 and third at 33.  I am glad that I had them "early" relative to my friends.  This way they will also be out of the house when my husband and I are 51/54.

hazelkate

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #2 on: September 30, 2014, 09:42:33 AM »
My husband and I have been wondering the same thing! We're 28/29 and feel like we want to have a child but we'd also like to wait a few more years. Of course, everyone who asks about whether we plan on having children are shocked when we say it'll be a few more years. And no one's been shy about sharing the risks of bearing a child in your 30s! So I'd REALLY like to hear some positives about waiting until your early/mid 30s to have a child from people who have done just that!

dz1087

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2014, 09:51:48 AM »
My girlfriend ( now wife) and i got pregnant at 17. It was very difficult but we have a couple of awesome kids now. The youngest well be heading of to college about 2 years before i am eligible for military retirement at 43. I plan on FIRE by that time too.

mrsggrowsveg

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2014, 10:15:20 AM »
I had my first at 24 and will probably have a second sometime in the near future.  We had ours young compared to most of our friends even though my husband is older.  I had wanted to wait until I was 30, but that didn't happen for us.  Now I think we picked the perfect timing.  Things are a little crazy right now, but it has worked out with my less demanding work situation.  If I could do it over, I would have reached FIRE first.

gecko10x

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #5 on: September 30, 2014, 10:24:17 AM »
I wanted to be done (2) by the time I was 30 (wife is 2 years younger). We made it, barely (1 month).

That wasn't that long ago (34 now), but no regrets on that decision.

Dalmuti

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #6 on: September 30, 2014, 11:02:46 AM »
I am 31 and my wife is 30, and we just had our first 5 months ago (same ages).  We continued to wait while a lot of friends were having kids, and have been so glad we did.  The extra time allowed us to eliminate all non-mortgage debt, build up a big enough liquid emergency fund to protect against unforeseen job loss, and get a big early investment in our retirement funds.  All of this meant that we didn't have any qualms about her leaving her job to stay at home full time.  Going down to one income obviously led to a decrease in our savings rate, but that's a lot easier to stomach when there's a nice big stache growing from the time we spent as DINKs.   

GuitarStv

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #7 on: September 30, 2014, 12:35:02 PM »
Technically our family started when we were married several years ago.  We adopted first (an adorable little beagle from the shelter), and last year decided to spawn progeny at the ripe old age of 33.

For us the benefits of waiting included: having no debt, a nearly paid off house, money to start an education fund, secure jobs, the option to have one parent stay home if necessary, etc.  People tell a lot of horror stories about how hard it is to conceive when you're older, but it took us one try (lending credence to many horror stories sex ed drilled into young GuitarStv about always using protection if you don't want kids).

Kmp2

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #8 on: September 30, 2014, 12:37:12 PM »
We waited, and are also waiting a bit longer for #2. We had our first when I was 31 & hubby was 36, and I think there will be a 3 year gap before number 2. But if we decide to have 3, than we won't have the luxury of a long gap between 2 and 3...

Waiting allowed us to pay off our mortgage just in time for me to return to work. So our mortgage payment translated into childcare, and a reduction in working hours for both of us (we now work 32 hours/week). I knew after a year of mat leave that I would not enjoy staying at home, while hubby worked... I love the balance that this has brought to our parenting/household chores and I get lots of mental stimulation from four days at work. DD also gets to play lots with other kids, and experience a different type of discipline/cooking/activities at the dayhome. She is thriving.

My co-workers keep asking if I will go back to full-time when DD is off to school, I can't tell them, but I expect we will be comfortably FIRE'd by then. Although this part-time thing kind of rocks right now, so we shall see.

Elderwood17

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #9 on: September 30, 2014, 02:13:15 PM »
We were way too young....had two kids by age 21, and all four by age 28.  Lots of positives waiting, but then I see my contemporaries who waiting until their mid to late thirties and I see a few positives the other way too.

hdatontodo

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #10 on: September 30, 2014, 03:35:44 PM »
Pick which 20 years of your life should be spend on rearing kids  :)

I had my one late, at 47, but if I retire at 62, we'll get a few years of Child Soc Sec. However, having a kid so late also meant we were making more money and could afford daycare, preschool, and 4 years prepaid 529.

I wouldn't recommend doing that though. I wish the kid weren't an only child. Plus you have fewer birth defects if younger (both dad and mom impact this.) On the other hand: http://www.webmd.com/baby/news/20140203/babies-born-to-moms-over-35-may-have-lower-risk-for-certain-birth-defects

My mom had 6 kids and only 2 of us are close enough to visit regularly in her new assisted living place. I'm thinking our one will be off in Tahiti when we're older.
« Last Edit: September 30, 2014, 03:38:18 PM by hdatontodo »

vivian

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #11 on: September 30, 2014, 10:52:12 PM »
There is no perfect time to have kids. Kids are such a big life change that the decision should not be purely financial. We were in our early 30s, but my sister had her kids much younger. Now she's already seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and going on college tours while we are working on potty training.

CanuckExpat

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #12 on: September 30, 2014, 11:31:52 PM »
The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children
Quote
PROS
- Have had more time to judge other people for how they raise their kids
- Obligation to one day care for elderly mother psychologically reinforced in child from infancy
- Peace of mind from knowing you gave hopes and dreams a fair shot
- Have already collected decades of unsubstantiated and dangerous theories on child-rearing
- Problems in marriage have had more time to mature
- Will hopefully be dead before seeing long-term psychological consequences of parenting manifest in children
- Less time spent as a mother

CONS
- No daycare facility in your retirement community
- Social stigma of a mature parent that can provide for a child
- Easier to blame your ruined life on a single night of unbridled passion than on four months of methodically scheduled procreative intercourse
- Tough to keep pretending quintuplets are natural
- Younger children may resent older siblings for being raised by parents who were still alive
- Child born later will be born into objectively worse world
- Without the end result of producing offspring and propagating the species, sex will continue to feel hollow and unsatisfying

farmstache

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #13 on: October 03, 2014, 10:48:09 PM »
The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children
Quote
PROS
- Have had more time to judge other people for how they raise their kids
- Obligation to one day care for elderly mother psychologically reinforced in child from infancy
- Peace of mind from knowing you gave hopes and dreams a fair shot
- Have already collected decades of unsubstantiated and dangerous theories on child-rearing
- Problems in marriage have had more time to mature
- Will hopefully be dead before seeing long-term psychological consequences of parenting manifest in children
- Less time spent as a mother

CONS
- No daycare facility in your retirement community
- Social stigma of a mature parent that can provide for a child
- Easier to blame your ruined life on a single night of unbridled passion than on four months of methodically scheduled procreative intercourse
- Tough to keep pretending quintuplets are natural
- Younger children may resent older siblings for being raised by parents who were still alive
- Child born later will be born into objectively worse world
- Without the end result of producing offspring and propagating the species, sex will continue to feel hollow and unsatisfying

Hahahahaha
Love this. Not sure if pro-younger parents or simply pro-childfree. :)

I'm having my first being born at 30 (I was aiming for 29 but oh well). That's earlier than most my peers (usually go at 35 around my social/academic/work groups). I felt like we should have them sooner because grandparents are hitting 60-70 and I would rather be a younger grandparent too. Plus I've seen friends with kids at 35 and at 25 - the energy the parent has to play with the kid is totally different. But older parents do have a little more patience. Since I'm patient by nature, I picked the energy. We might regret the financial setback, though. I know several mustachians (arebelspy included) want to reach FIRE before reproducing, so they can be full-time with their kids. It's a trade-in. You pick what you think is best.

cavewoman

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #14 on: October 04, 2014, 07:20:09 AM »
Good question!  I'm 28 and my bf is 25, and we've recently discussed the timeline to get 1-3 kids before I'm 35.  I get baby fever literally every time I see a baby (omg 10X worse if I'm holding it), but luckily the feeling passes quickly.  I am definitely looking forward to kids, but I really also feel the stress of just having my nephew out with the two of us, and how much less attention I can focus on my partner.  Also, marriage sometime before that as well.  We might be travelling, but are open to doing the early years in an RV if that's what we're doing for his job.  We have lots do to first, but I'm sure looking back it will have seemed like a short time. 

When I first started dating, bf's mom told him "She's gonna want to settle down!" Due to our age gap.  Instead we've done some adventurous stuff, lots of travelling.  Now, she's the first one to bring up getting married and having kids!  Guess I won her over :)

Emilyngh

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #15 on: October 04, 2014, 07:30:19 AM »
Well, we decided we definitely wanted to when I was 26, purposely waited until I was 27, but then it took 2 years (unexplained infertility), so got pg at 29 and gave birth at 30.   This time was very hard and I'm very glad we didn't wait even longer.

If you want to have kids, unless it's a horrible time, I'd start trying now.   You just don't know how long it will take.   I get the SAHP thing (DH SAH and it's great!), but maybe you can figure out how to do it sooner, or how maybe someone can SAH PT or something similar.   

La Bibliotecaria Feroz

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #16 on: October 04, 2014, 07:44:26 AM »
If you have baby fever now, five years is a loooong time to wait. And it might take longer to get pregnant than you want, especially (IME) if you are using hormonal birth control. Is there any chance you can scale back your lifestyle enough to be ready to have someone stay home in more like 2-3 years?

We started trying at 27, when we owned a four-bedroom house and both had solid full-time jobs. For various choice-related reasons, by the time the baby arrived at almost 30/30, we had trashed our credit short-selling our house and were living on a shoestring in a rental duplex. No regrets. (Except I wish we had been better at budgeting back then.)

soccerluvof4

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #17 on: October 04, 2014, 10:08:27 AM »
34 and My DW was 30.  We have 4 ranging from 15-8.  Sometimes I think I wish we would of been younger when we started but thats only when there bugging me! :-)  .  I wouldn't do it any different. 

justajane

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #18 on: October 04, 2014, 06:48:14 PM »
Married at 28
Had my 1st at 30, 2nd at 32, and 3rd this year at 36.

In my case, I didn't really have a choice about the first. I would have preferred to start earlier, but I didn't meet my spouse until I was 25. After having been pregnant at 36 and able to compare a pregnancy from 6 years earlier, I personally think that pregnancy and parenthood are definitely are young person's game. Even in the six years since I had my first, I can really notice the difference in how tired I am dealing with a newborn. Of course might of that might be because I have two other kids, but it's also your joints and all the other things that come with age. Sleep deprivation is hard!!! My 40 year old husband also notices more aches and pains from holding the baby at night when he wakes up.

Of course there are also perks, since as you age you become more laid back about certain things, although that might also be a function of just having more children and the perspective that comes with multiple kids.

I do think the prospect of infertility is no joke. Does it run in your family or have you ever had complications like PCOS or endometriosis? If so, that might indicate starting earlier. If you trust your OB, I would discuss with him or her the medical reasons to wait or start now.

It's a complicated question than only you and your husband can answer. It's not only physical but also emotional and financial.

The other question is how many you want. If you want more than two, I would definitely start now. But if you just want one or at most two, you can probably wait a few years and save up some cash.

southern granny

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #19 on: October 04, 2014, 09:11:46 PM »
We started a family after we had been married for three years and felt confident that it would last.  I got married at 18, pregnant at 21.  Now have been married 39 years.

alice76

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #20 on: October 05, 2014, 11:26:47 AM »
I had my first child at 33. We'd been married for 6 years, but grad school and husband's fieldwork in Antarctica pushed back our plans for children.  In our community and circle of friends, we are right in the middle.  Some were in their 20's; others in their early 40's.

firelight

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #21 on: October 06, 2014, 08:59:25 AM »
We were 27/31 when we had our first... I'd lean towards starting now than later simply to give yourself time if things don't happen on your schedule. Infertility can happen for various unexplained reasons and it's better to have time on your side. SAHP can be figured out when the kid is on the way since things have a way of being resolved with a baby in picture

TeresaB

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #22 on: October 06, 2014, 09:07:20 AM »
I'm growing our first right now. I'm 22 (will be 23 when it's born). For us, having a large family is one of our top priorities as a couple, so it didn't make sense for us to wait to get started. I am going to stay home with it, which means I can't be earning income, but the trade-off is worth it for us. I think it's hard to give advice on someone else's situation.

retired?

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #23 on: October 06, 2014, 09:38:46 AM »
32 and 30 (wife).....married at 28/26.  The deal was that she would work while I was in grad school, not bug me about having babies, but that as soon as I finished we would start trying.  Worked out well, we had one year of DINK status.  Basically, it was as soon as financially able.  Now, if we'd married at 24/22 and I was working rather than grad school, we wouldn't have started right away.  So, really it was financially able AND had some time to ourselves.

totesmahgoats

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #24 on: October 06, 2014, 12:28:36 PM »
Too young. I was 21, boyfriend/husband was 26. Would I encourage my children to follow in my footsteps? No. Did it all work out okay? Yes.

I see advantages to either side of the coin.

Carrie

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #25 on: October 06, 2014, 12:39:22 PM »
Almost 30 for the first, 35 for the second and 37 for the third. (DH is 6 yrs older)
I'm happy that we'd had a chance to become financially stable first, but having them earlier would have been fine too.  I feel like we're done due to our ages, if we'd started earlier we may have had more.  Our youngest is 9 weeks old, and I'm a little sad that she'll be our last.  (But at the same time,  yay, she's our last! )

tofuchampion

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #26 on: October 08, 2014, 10:36:55 PM »
22 with my first.  Not necessarily too young, but not in a good relationship.  It turned out okay in the end, but I wouldn't do it again.

I'm 31 now, in a much better relationship, and expecting my second (his first) in about 6 weeks. 

VirginiaBob

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #27 on: October 09, 2014, 06:19:24 AM »
35, but wife was 26.

mamagoose

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #28 on: October 09, 2014, 09:35:01 AM »
We just turned 29 when LO was born, so she just turned 1 and we hit 30 at the same time. It's great b/c when she turns 21 we'll be celebrating 50, BIG PARTY :-) FYI baby fever hit me at age 24, so we waited patiently and planned to a T to get our financial ducks in a row for a "debt-free baby", including the mortgage. We are lucky b/c we got pregnant on the first try. I would say if you think you're ready maturity-wise, just GO FOR IT! b/c you never know how long it will take to conceive, and it only gets more difficult the longer you wait. I read once that by age 30 a woman only has like 1/8 of her eggs remaining.

Meggslynn

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #29 on: October 09, 2014, 01:04:25 PM »
Our first (and possibly only child) was born when I was 29 and my hubby 31. It was great timing for us as we were both in solid careers, had our home, money in the bank and had done quite a bit of traveling in the first couple years of marriage.

ysette9

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #30 on: October 09, 2014, 01:35:03 PM »
You will decide what is right for you and your family regardless of what we all have to say, but if I could go back and tell my younger self some advice it would be the following:

1) You will never fully be prepared for the baby to come but you will deal with it anyway. Our baby came 6 weeks early and we had nothing, I mean NOTHING prepared. You know what? Our fabulous friends stepped up to help in incredible ways and things worked out. Yes, we used Google Express and Amazon a lot to buy what we needed and have it delivered to our doorstep, but that is fine at these stages in life. You figure it out.

2) I would tell myself to start earlier trying to have kids than I had wanted to. Why? This is one thing in life you cannot graph/chart/track to closure. Yes, the engineer in me really has a problem with that. In our case it took us 2.5 years and three pregnancies before we brought our (preterm, small) baby home. We absolutely would have never expected second trimester losses and difficulties getting pregnant when we were both relatively young and healthy with no family history of problems. You likely will have no problem at all, but even for totally normal couples it can take 6-12 months to get pregnant. Time can slip away so easily with these sorts of things!

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #31 on: October 09, 2014, 01:59:37 PM »
I had my first one at 22 and my last one at 36. I feel that I've been a better parent with the youngest one because I was more patient, settled and secure. I have noticed that I'm 10 to 15 years older than some of his friend's moms. My youngest is 13 and very active in extracurricular activities. I retired at age 49 last year, so I have lots of free time to get him to swim practice, football games, rehearsals and volunteer work. Most of his friend's moms have to work until 5 pm.

Spaarwalvis

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #32 on: October 19, 2014, 06:50:48 AM »
We were 27/28 when #1 was born, about a year after we bought the house (now 30 with a second).  Infertility was definitely not a concern for us.  In retrospect, we could have started earlier - people definitely do manage to take care of babies in a 1 BR appartment!  But financially it might have been closer to the margin than we like (still more of a cushion than most of the nonMustachians out there, though).  I don't think we ought to have waited too much longer, but we're shooting for 3-4 and want to be done by 35 or so, which is not the same for everyone.  My parents were much older (38/35 for me, and I'm the oldest), and the difference in energy level is for real; they've commented on it too.

mm1970

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #33 on: October 19, 2014, 07:24:23 PM »
Married at 28
Had my 1st at 30, 2nd at 32, and 3rd this year at 36.

In my case, I didn't really have a choice about the first. I would have preferred to start earlier, but I didn't meet my spouse until I was 25. After having been pregnant at 36 and able to compare a pregnancy from 6 years earlier, I personally think that pregnancy and parenthood are definitely are young person's game. Even in the six years since I had my first, I can really notice the difference in how tired I am dealing with a newborn. Of course might of that might be because I have two other kids, but it's also your joints and all the other things that come with age. Sleep deprivation is hard!!! My 40 year old husband also notices more aches and pains from holding the baby at night when he wakes up.

Of course there are also perks, since as you age you become more laid back about certain things, although that might also be a function of just having more children and the perspective that comes with multiple kids.

I do think the prospect of infertility is no joke. Does it run in your family or have you ever had complications like PCOS or endometriosis? If so, that might indicate starting earlier. If you trust your OB, I would discuss with him or her the medical reasons to wait or start now.

It's a complicated question than only you and your husband can answer. It's not only physical but also emotional and financial.

The other question is how many you want. If you want more than two, I would definitely start now. But if you just want one or at most two, you can probably wait a few years and save up some cash.
Very true.

I guess I'm the old lady here.

I had my first at (almost) 36 and my second at (just barely) 42.  Huge difference.

I certainly feel like I have more patience now than I did when I was younger.  And they keep me young (beach, walks, water parks, bikes, etc.)  But the lack of sleep with a newborn was BRUTAL, and now, at 44, a full time job, a traveling husband, and a sick toddler isn't any picnic either.

We'd been married nearly 10 years before the first one was born.  Took my husband 7 years to talk me into it, then 1.5 years to get pregnant.
« Last Edit: October 19, 2014, 07:26:13 PM by mm1970 »

MsRichLife

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #34 on: October 19, 2014, 10:23:09 PM »
We had my son when I was 35 (DH was 33). We were very lucky that we got pregnant straight away, which is certainly not guaranteed at my age.

The timing was good for us because we were FI by the time he was born. This allowed DH to be a SAHD and I had flexibility in my job so I could be home a lot too. We didn't want to have children in the situation where we were both working full-time so made it a priority to simplify our lives beforehand. Also, I'm the primary breadwinner and there were a few career related things I wanted to do before kids (i.e. work overseas).

On a personal note, I think I am much more patient than I would have been when I was younger. This is a big deal, because I am not patient by nature and kids need a lot of it. On the flipside, we find that we don't have as much energy as we did when we were in our 20's. But...because we are semi-FIRE we have so much more time which is an absolute blessing.

There are pros and cons whatever you decide, but I think if I had baby-fever I'd have a hard time delaying it for 5 years. Thankfully baby-fever didn't hit me until I was well into my 30's.

Miami Al

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #35 on: October 20, 2014, 09:56:04 AM »
Engaged at 22, married at 24, first kid at 27, third kid at 30.  Husband ages here, subtract 1 for wife.

We had a few short term things that made our timing silly (wife finished last grad school class on maternity leave, professional certification that should have taken 6-12 months took 3 years, oh well).  That said, the friends of ours that waited a few more years might have established themselves, but they are disasters with the kids.  A career is no less derailed at 35 than 25, it's just that at 25, you're expected to be a disaster, and at 35, people expect you to have your shit together.

I think when you decide you're ready, put together a punch list of "shit I need to do while I control my time" but make sure it is < 1 year, doable, and you're on track.  The more ducks in a row in the financial/professional side, the more you'll be able to handle the deluge of crap that is a new born.

I'll also say, as the kids get older, being a "younger" parent is HUGE.  Being able to sign up as a Scout volunteer and be able to keep up with the kids is great.  The older FIRE parents I know simply don't have the energy, even if they have all the time in the world.

Something to be said for keeping busy, when I'm busy as hell I get everything done and don't know how.  When it's slow I meander through things, doing stuff like posting on this forum instead of running full speed.

So that's my suggestion, as young as you think you can handle + 1 year. :)

In terms of wanting everything together... from the moment you get pregnant it's nearly 1 year until you have a kid, definitely a year before you're thinking day care, and 6 years before school starts.  You don't need a house in a great school district to have sex with your partner. :)

CommonCents

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #36 on: October 20, 2014, 11:08:00 AM »
Where is your husband in terms of timeline?

We're a family now, albeit ones without kids.  I didn't meet my husband until 28, so having kids early wasn't an option.  Married at 32 (almost 33), I'm now 35.  Add 4 for DH's ages.  I want to try now, DH doesn't.  Hearing everyone say we should try now (and family and friends bugging us) is really incredibly stressful.  I know the medical research.  So far, I've avoided entirely throwing DH under the bus and shouting out it's him to those who ask/pressure us, but I reserve the right to do so at a later date (particularly for *his* family asking).

So my advice is to decide together when it's right and then do your darndest to ignore people who push at you.  And a request for all those reading this thread to avoid asking your friends and family when they will have kids!

cmk

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #37 on: October 20, 2014, 11:25:24 AM »
Another older lady here.  Also met my husband at 28 and married at 32,  had kids at 36 and 39.  We were a little more mature than our sons' classmates' parents, but the kids turned out just fine!  Like someone above said, it does keep you young!  At 58 now, so many of my friends are grandparents of teens.
Our retirement funds are in good shape, but our youngest is only a freshman in college.  Since we intend to help him as much as possible, there won't be even a slightly early retirement for us. 
You have to play the cards you're dealt, you just don't know when you're going to meet your soulmate or be blessed with children.  It'll all turn out well as long as you keep your priorities straight!

Louisville

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #38 on: October 20, 2014, 11:40:40 AM »
When I "accidentally" got a fling pregnant at age 23, and she decided not to have an abortion.
By accidentally, I just mean we didn't take sufficient birth control precautions, because we were idiots. She already had a six month old by the same process with a different dude.
A marrige, a divorce, an ex-step-child adoption, a remarriage, and 24 years later, I have two bright, successful young adult children who have completed my life.
I'm glad I was an idiot, because I would never have had children "on purpose".
« Last Edit: October 20, 2014, 11:42:30 AM by Louisville »

Distshore

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #39 on: October 20, 2014, 12:04:01 PM »
Starting now at 35; will be 36 when the baby comes....met bf at 31, married at 33, waited 18 months to start trying, mostly as it took me that long to talk him into it.  I was terribly afraid it wouldn't work out, but it only took 3 months to get preggo.  It varies so much, though.

Now that I am pregnant, I'm glad for the time we waited, to spend with each other, buy a house and etc.  However, if we hadn't got pregnant I would have been not grateful for that extra time!  YMMV.  We are not FI and could probably only do so if we don't have kids, but then I wouldn't see the point.  I think each decision is based on your and your partner's priorities, and that there is no one best time. 

Freedom2016

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #40 on: October 20, 2014, 04:35:50 PM »
Another old lady here:

Married @ 36 (It took some time to find the right partner!);
Kiddo #1 @ 38 after 3 months of trying;
Kiddo #2 @ 40 (due this week!) after 9 months of trying.

DH and I feel really well equipped to be parents - none of that 'grass is greener syndrome' of wishing we could still travel, party, do our own thing... we had plenty of time to do all of that in earlier years, and are really ready for this phase of life. We're also financially secure, enough so that DH is stay-at-home-parenting while I bring home the bacon. I could not have supported a family at this level 10 years ago.

However, we do sometimes say that it would be awesome if we could have all the accumulated wisdom, life experiences, and $$ that we have today but actually be 10 years younger. :) It does feel harder, physically, to keep up with our toddler, with our increasingly creaky limbs. :)

Self-employed-swami

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #41 on: November 02, 2014, 07:00:30 AM »
I just turned 30 last month, and my husband is 32.  I'm the breadwinner at the moment, while my husband is a temporary/on call employee at the moment, waiting for a contact.  Because his income is inconsistent, I don't quite feel comfortable pulling the pin, and TTC yet, because I won't be able to work at this job at all, once I give birth (I travel 100% of the time currently, and I don't have much interest in finding a regular job later).  But as soon as he has a contract, I think we'll start trying.  The contact will likely only be a year in length, but since we can very comfortably live off my income, and still have a 40% savings rate, we should be able to ramp up the savings to provide a cushion for the first few years of the kiddo's life.  I would like the option to stay home, but depending on how things pan out, we might opt to have him stay at home after the first year, and I'll get some sort of non-travel job.

Milizard

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #42 on: November 02, 2014, 11:51:01 AM »
I wasted way too much time on losers in my 20's.  I met DH at 33, married him 1 week before I turned 35.  First kid was born at 37, and second at 40.  DH is about 18 months younger.

Pros:  way more financially secure, less apt to try to KUWTJ's baby-style, smarter about healthcare.

Con's: grandparents are older, so can't help as much; less energy as others have mentioned, I have an elderly mother to care for as well as 2 small children.

I don't know if this is a pro or con, but if we had started earlier, I would probably have pushed harder to have more kids.

My take: there is no perfect time.  If you feel the urge, don't try to put it off too long.  Some people do, and run into fertility issues.  (Since my mother was older when she had me, I didn't think I would have that problem, and didn't.)

mm1970

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #43 on: November 02, 2014, 04:47:07 PM »
Quote
That said, the friends of ours that waited a few more years might have established themselves, but they are disasters with the kids.  A career is no less derailed at 35 than 25, it's just that at 25, you're expected to be a disaster, and at 35, people expect you to have your shit together.

This made me chuckle.

I didn't find my work to be a disaster after my first child.  I did have a year of not much sleep, and not much focus.  So, my output went down, my hours went down, and I tread water but didn't go into any "new projects".  My raise that year was smaller, understandably.

After my second child though...I don't feel like it was terrible either - but I had learned my lesson with #1 and went to part time (32 hrs a week) with #2.  I feel that things were going well with what I was accomplishing - but again, I did NOT take on any grossly new projects (I continued to manage a group of 6).  Unfortunately, changes in my workplace made my work life a disaster - layoffs, reorganizations, my old boss getting fed up and moving to a different group, my new boss being the problem...

So eventually, after about 1.25 years after #2, I drastically reduced my expectations for my company and my job.  Oh, I still work, and do a good job.  But it's blatantly obvious that I am not getting promoted again any time soon, and truthfully, I'm not sure we will last past February anyway.

You can have your sh*t together when you are older (it helps to be more senior with more flexibility and more time off), but in my experience, ONE of you is going to admit to the "lesser" job.  That person is the one who takes it in the workplace chin.  (That one is me.)

One Day

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #44 on: November 02, 2014, 10:47:23 PM »
Our first was born at 29/30 and our second at 32. DH and I married at 27/28. We had been together since 21.

We waited to try until we were married, I was out of grad school and had hit the job lottery (stable, interesting work, well paying, great health insurance), we had bought a house, and we had traveled a little. My husband was a few years into a very long grad school road but I was (am) making enough to support us.

I am very glad we didn't wait longer because I ended up with completely unexpected fertility problems. (My mom had my younger brother at 37 fairly easily and there was no family history.)  Those are much easier to treat when younger.

I think it was good for us to have some time together as a couple first. And invaluable to have a good boss (who didn't balk at all the medical appointments, or at the many times I was slightly late during a recent year of weekday single-parenting while pregnant/caring for two kids) and terrific health insurance.

A certain level of financial stability, and employment stability for one person are helpful, just to decrease overall stress. Caring for a baby is really stressful - joyous, and delightful, and maddening within the span of five seconds.

But agree there is no perfect time and that things tend to work out, one way or another.


Thegoblinchief

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #45 on: November 03, 2014, 03:29:43 PM »
We conceived our first at 21. In between conception and birth we got married and both found permanent jobs.

DecD

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #46 on: November 03, 2014, 04:11:08 PM »
We were 30/31 and 34/35 when we had our two.  We waited until I'd passed my quals for kid #1 (I had him in grad school) and waited until my degree was nearly done for #2.  It has worked out fine.  I wasn't very patient in my 20s, so waiting a bit was good for me.  I wouldn't have wanted to wait any longer/be any older though.

pdxvandal

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #47 on: November 03, 2014, 04:51:06 PM »
Wife was 37 I was 35. We almost had another, but unfortunately resulted in a miscarriage. One and done, no regrets.

MayDay

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #48 on: November 04, 2014, 05:59:15 PM »
I was 25 and 28.  We probably should have waited one or two more years, but in general I'm glad to have them on the younger side of 35. 

There is a pretty good uptick in fertility problems, once you hit your mid 30's.  If kids (biological) are super important to you, I would probably say to start around 30 in a case you have trouble.  If you don't care too much either way, then not as much of a risk to waiting. 

I wanted to be done by 35 not due to risks of birth defects, but just because I didn't want to be too old when they were finally out of the house.  I had the luxury of meeting my spouse young, if I had met him at 35 I certainly would have still had kids. 

Fodder

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Re: When did you start a family?
« Reply #49 on: November 05, 2014, 10:11:11 AM »
I had my first at 28 and my second at 31.

I wouldn't delay having kids.  Though they can be expensive little people, I really think that, where possible, there are so many advantages to having them younger.  First, there's the whole getting pregnant/having a healthy pregnancy thing, which gets more problematic with each year that goes by.  Fertility treatments are very expensive with not fabulous success rates, and a lot of physical and emotional turmoil.  If you are in a position to consider it now, then I would do it.

In terms of having kids younger, others have already mentioned the energy levels required by kids, and how it's definitely easier when you are younger.  I'm 34 now and would lose my mind if I had another kid.  Seriously, I would. 

But also, having them younger means that they have you for longer (hopefully) and you get to be there for more of their big milestones.  Obviously things can happen, and not everyone hits every milestone (and the order will often change!), but if you have a child at 28, there's a good chance that you will be there to see them graduate, get married, have kids, etc.  If you have a child at 45....the chances of those things happening diminish.  ANd you might be in poor health when they happen.

There's also no perfect time to start a family.  You may never FEEL ready.  ON paper, I was well ready to have kids (married, stable job, stable finances, owned a home), but in my head, the prospect freaked me out and I'm not sure how long it would have taken for me to actually decide to have kids, had kids not just....happened.  lol.

And I'm still not a baby person and don't love being around other people's kids.  Mine are pretty awesome though.  :)  Most of the time.