I've thought a great deal about this topic over the years.
My early years were spent in a frugal household, then about the time I started school things went downhill and we were in real poverty. We literally went hungry. We got three pair of jeans and one pair of tennis shoes, and usually by the spring the jeans were too short and the shoes had holes in them. We had MANY more chores than most kids did. We all needed glasses, and we were on a rotation; if our eyes changed or our glasses were damaged before it was "our turn", too bad. Squint. When we all five got sick (which happened on a regular basis because we didn't always have heat), my mom'd buy three prescriptions and divide them between us. The list could go on, but you get the point.
How'd this affect us?
Three of us grew up believing that education was the way out -- that's fairly common for kids who are in First Generation Poverty; unlike those who come from generations of poverty, we saw in our extended family examples of people who worked and reaped the rewards. As a result, we saw that as something "for us". We three earned college degrees and from there:
- One has worked a long time in a professional job, is very successful, and lives frugally.
- One started her own business, is very successful, and lives moderately.
- One works in a low-level professional job, is moderately successful and spends every penny on travel; jokes that he'd rather do this NOW than retire EVER. He does own a house, pays his bills, etc. - but anything left over is fun money.
One entered the military, recieved wonderful, practical training and is successful. Lives frugally, except for hobby: food.
One never grew up and decided to throw herself the childhood she never had. She waits tables, she's constantly behind on her bills, and as soon as she gets a paycheck it's gone on clothes, cheap jewelry and make-up. This would be understandable if she were 21 . . . but she's 41. Ironically, she's also the one who has serious health problems, and we are all concerned about her reaching her physical limits in the not-so-distant-future.
How did we all grow up in the same house, yet turn out differently? I know that we older kids had the benefit of 6-7 "good years" before things went badly, and those early years are when kids' core personalities are formed. Thing is, the one who's "throwing herself the childhood she never had" is BY LEAPS AND BOUNDS the smart one. In high school you'd have bet on her to eclipse us all.
Looking back, I see MANY negative lessons about money when we were kids:
- We were made to feel that wanting things (clothes, tickets to football games or prom dresses) was BAD. Wanting things was UNGRATEFUL. Asking for things was WASTEFUL, and we were taught to surpress those desires. Voicing them often led to ridicule from our parents, and the other siblings joined in.
- We were praised for finding ways to save /make things last longer, and we were praised for criticizing conspicuous consumption.
- We were taught to comparison shop, but we were not taught anything about saving.
- We were expected to work for things once we turned 16, and all of us took to work like ducks to water. As you can imagine, it was a relief to have money of our own to control. Four of us saw those teenaged jobs as a temporary thing: A stepping stone to the adult world of work, not a place we wanted to stay. The sister who's still having trouble with money, however, saw those low-level service jobs as LIFE. I have no idea how that idea started because we were all treated equally (badly) in our teen years.
- At 18 we were on our own. No safety net.
In college I realized that I had a skewed, unhealthy view of money. Money was ALWAYS on my mind, and not in a positive way. I'd wake up in the middle of the night worrying if I was putting away enough to pay the next month's rent, and I'd get up to go over my numbers. When I needed to buy food or have a haircut, I'd be paralyzed with fear. I'd check my bank balance multiple times and was genuinely worry over those moderate purchases. I'd worry, "Yes, my single pair of everyday shoes ARE worn out, but what if I buy new ones, and then next week I get sick and need to go to the doctor? I can always put more cardboard in the soles." I was smart enough to realize that I HATED living that way. So I turned to books. I sat in the college library for hours and hours reading books about budgeting, books about investing and retirement, magazines of all sorts. And I slowly taught myself a healthier view. I didn't have any money at that point, but I formed opinions about how I was going to manage it once I got some money! Today I WILL NOT discuss money with my parents. If I can't turn the conversation, I will flat out say, "I'd rather not discuss money."
As the oldest, I felt a responsibility to help the other kids see that money didn't have to be what it was in our house, and I xeroxed magazine articles, brought them books from the library and so forth. I think it was useful because most of them "saw the light".
Today my husband and I have all we need and more, and our kids don't know how much we have. We have always lived "beneath our means". Our kids have grown up in a modest house, having their own room, having good food and occasional meals out, etc. They don't have Smart Phones or new cars, but we've spent freely on educational experiences like trips to museums and historical sites and craft materials, but we have taught them to appreciate used items just as much as new items. One thing that makes me very proud is that my girls are equally at home in -- and know how to behave in -- a campground or an oceanfront 5-star resort. When they want something expensive, I've often provided them with a way to EARN it, or I've given them a budget and let them figure it out. At 16 and 19, they seem to both have a nice "balance". They understand that it's important to live within your means, but they also aren't paralyzed with fear when they consider a splurge.