Author Topic: thinking about a second kid  (Read 2407 times)

letsdoit

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thinking about a second kid
« on: June 22, 2018, 09:19:09 AM »
but i dont have any desire for one.
my DW really wants a second.
did anyone go through this?

Hula Hoop

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Re: thinking about a second kid
« Reply #1 on: June 24, 2018, 03:21:39 AM »
I'm the wife who really wanted a second child.  I grew up as an only child until I was 10 and it was very lonely even though I had lots of friends. I'm very close to my 10 year younger than me sister now that we are adults and the sibling relationship is really important to me. Anyway, due to being an only for so long, I really wanted to have more than one child and have them relatively close together.

My husband was kind of on the fence.  He wasn't exactly against having a second but needed a lot of time to process the idea.  Also, I had a life threatening health issue when the older child was around 1 so he was really concerned about me going through a second pregnancy.

I gave my husband his space and let him think about it.  I gave him around 6-8 months to think about it with a deadline on my birthday.  I was nearing 40 so the clock was ticking. He finally decided to go for it partly because I was so keen to have a second and also partly because he decided that he just wanted to have a second.  We now have two kids 3.5 years apart and my husband is very happy.  Definitely doesn't want a third though.

frugal rph

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Re: thinking about a second kid
« Reply #2 on: June 24, 2018, 12:58:55 PM »
I think you need to examine why you don't really want a second child. I wasn't ready for a second child because I was doing almost all the work of taking care of the first child by myself.  Another factor is how old is your first child and how old you are. Is this something you feel you need to decide right away?

My second child was a surprise and while I'm glad I have 2 kids now, there are definitely days when I think about how easy it was just having one.

Hula Hoop

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Re: thinking about a second kid
« Reply #3 on: June 24, 2018, 02:29:59 PM »
I agree that things can change as kid #1 gets older.  Even though I'd always wanted 2 kids, I didn't feel the urge for a second until kid # was around 2.  Before that it was just a blur of diapers and sleepless nights and baby food.  Things change a lot as the kid gets more independent.

marty998

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Re: thinking about a second kid
« Reply #4 on: June 27, 2018, 06:28:07 AM »
@letsdoit you don't want another kid but your username says otherwise?    ;)
« Last Edit: June 29, 2018, 04:25:25 AM by marty998 »

elliha

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Re: thinking about a second kid
« Reply #5 on: June 27, 2018, 06:54:34 AM »
Unless you are in an extreme hurry due to the person with the uterus being close to being too old to be pregnant I would say just wait a little. I had my kids at 30 and 34 and I had no wish for number two until my first was about 2.5. By that I mean NO desire what so ever to the point of almost avoiding sex because an accident could happen. Then something changed and when our oldest was just over 3 we decided to have a go at making a baby and we got pregnant right away that first month. I was surprised because you hear all about fertility dropping after 30 but I was in fine shape that month when it comes to fertility as it seems. I was still very worried about parenting two kids and I did go to a psychologist during my pregnancy to help me handle the things that had made it hard for me to consider having another baby and then my shock at getting pregnant so easily and finally handling my problem during both pregnancies, that I feel like crap every single minute I am pregnant mentally. It is like 9.5 months of PMS without stop. Both my pregnancies were long too, 42+4 and 41+6 so I even got an extra "sentence". Once my second was born most things were so much better than I ever imagined and two was easier which I thought was a complete lie when a lot people told me that while pregnant.

My kids love each other and they play together, the older helps with teaching the younger things, the older makes breakfast for them sometimes during the weekends (OK, it is just fruit, crackers and milk but she still does it), the younger will hug the older and shriek of joy when the older comes in after being outside to play or with a friend. They fight and they hit each other but mostly they are friends. When my oldest told my youngest "You are the best baby brother ever and I love you!" and I could hear that she meant it with every fiber of her being I was a proud parent. For us having another one was a great decision and now it feels weird that we even thought about not having two. I know not every sibling pair will be the same but for us the fears didn't come to life. I can even imagine having three kids but that will likely not happen but the idea doesn't feel crazy.   

talltexan

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Re: thinking about a second kid
« Reply #6 on: June 27, 2018, 07:21:03 AM »
It's so different when there's a child in front of you and you cannot even imagine not having them than when there's no child and you're trying to decide.

elliha

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Re: thinking about a second kid
« Reply #7 on: June 27, 2018, 07:35:56 AM »
It's so different when there's a child in front of you and you cannot even imagine not having them than when there's no child and you're trying to decide.

It is true. No one can promise that everything is going to be great but then again no one can say that it will not be. There are plenty of good reasons not to have a child but there are also plenty of reasons that when they have been processed will seem strange. In our case it is clear now that most of our fears were completely unreasonable and not based in reality. Sometimes they are though and that should really be considered. I am not on the side that everyone should have children and if you have one you must have another one and it is going to be better but for us it truly was that way so if there are issues that can be handled I am in favor of doing so and not get caught up in reasons that are not there for real.

Kitsunegari

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Re: thinking about a second kid
« Reply #8 on: June 29, 2018, 07:12:32 AM »
There are a myriad of rational reasons to not have a second child, the opportunity costs being the first ones that come to my mind. That said, not many people regret a second child once they're here.
The biggest factor for me to decide would be: how big of a strain would this put on your marriage? Is it possible that it's enough to eventually disgregate the family?

overdrive23

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Re: thinking about a second kid
« Reply #9 on: July 02, 2018, 09:23:46 AM »
We have a 16mo old and are 8wks pregnant. I was on the fence and told me wife "If it'll make you happy"

It'll be tough for a bit; but the long term benefits will outweigh the immediate struggle (sounds like saving money, right?@!) because they will have each other their whole lives.

Plus it'll double our chances of having someone to take us in when we are old ;)


talltexan

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Re: thinking about a second kid
« Reply #10 on: July 02, 2018, 12:58:37 PM »
With two that close together, you may benefit from many economies of scale, particularly if they are the same sex.

clairebonk

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Re: thinking about a second kid
« Reply #11 on: July 02, 2018, 03:45:10 PM »
My kids are 2 and 5 and entertain each other. It seems so much easier that way than compared to my friends who have an only child. The kids need way less attention from parents if they have each other, it seems. But also my partner is a true partner and we share parenting tasks.

Doubleh

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Re: thinking about a second kid
« Reply #12 on: July 02, 2018, 10:39:13 PM »
I had a lot of trepidation when we went for our second, having found that one was a lot of work I didn't see how we would be able to cope with two. But we found that second time round we were much more relaxed as parents - and frankly didn't have the time or energy to stress stuff that we spent a lot of time worrying about first time round!

I'm sure it's at least partly as a result of this that my younger is very easy going and self reliant. Her elder sister (they are now 5 and 2) has always been more demanding of attention and the first year definitely took some adjustment for her. But she absolutely adores her sister and loves "taking care" of her. They definitely entertain each other now and are often less work than I suspect the elder would be as an only. Not meaning to criticise anyone who decides to stick with one - just trying to reassure you that the shift to two may not be as drastic as it feels now that it would.

Hula Hoop

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Re: thinking about a second kid
« Reply #13 on: July 03, 2018, 02:04:45 AM »
Even though my kids also fight a lot - they also play together and entertain each other.  For example, yesterday when I got home from work they were playing chess.  Then later, they made an obstacle course in the hallway.  Meanwhile, my husband cooked dinner and I got to relax.

I also agree with doubleh.  Our second kid is less demanding of attention and more able to entertain herself - even when her sister isn't around.  From the very beginning we couldn't, for example, stop everything for her naps- she had to nap in the stroller when we went to her big sister's activities - so she became flexible and self reliant which are good qualities to have in life.

dragoncar

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Re: thinking about a second kid
« Reply #14 on: August 27, 2018, 01:31:54 PM »
There are a myriad of rational reasons to not have a second child, the opportunity costs being the first ones that come to my mind. That said, not many people regret a second child once they're here.
The biggest factor for me to decide would be: how big of a strain would this put on your marriage? Is it possible that it's enough to eventually disgregate the family?

My wife likes to think of herself as an environmentalist but wants another kid.  No amount of declining straws is gonna offset another human being's consumption.  I'm also cynical about bringing a child into a world that might get very hard to live in within their lifetime.  That said, I'll probably cave and of course love the child as if it were my own.

letsdoit

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Re: thinking about a second kid
« Reply #15 on: August 27, 2018, 06:01:59 PM »
There are a myriad of rational reasons to not have a second child, the opportunity costs being the first ones that come to my mind. That said, not many people regret a second child once they're here.
The biggest factor for me to decide would be: how big of a strain would this put on your marriage? Is it possible that it's enough to eventually disgregate the family?


we all know there are WAYYYYYYYYYYYY too many humans on the planet and something is gonna have to give.  and your 2nd kid -or not- wont change that .

My wife likes to think of herself as an environmentalist but wants another kid.  No amount of declining straws is gonna offset another human being's consumption.  I'm also cynical about bringing a child into a world that might get very hard to live in within their lifetime.  That said, I'll probably cave and of course love the child as if it were my own.

dragoncar

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Re: thinking about a second kid
« Reply #16 on: August 27, 2018, 06:04:35 PM »
There are a myriad of rational reasons to not have a second child, the opportunity costs being the first ones that come to my mind. That said, not many people regret a second child once they're here.
The biggest factor for me to decide would be: how big of a strain would this put on your marriage? Is it possible that it's enough to eventually disgregate the family?


we all know there are WAYYYYYYYYYYYY too many humans on the planet and something is gonna have to give.  and your 2nd kid -or not- wont change that .

My wife likes to think of herself as an environmentalist but wants another kid.  No amount of declining straws is gonna offset another human being's consumption.  I'm also cynical about bringing a child into a world that might get very hard to live in within their lifetime.  That said, I'll probably cave and of course love the child as if it were my own.

We all know thereís way too much trash on the planet and throwing another plastic bottle in the ocean wonít change that?

Of course the difference is that the plastic bottle isnít sentient and potentially doomed to a bleak existence

px4shooter

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Re: thinking about a second kid
« Reply #17 on: August 29, 2018, 05:53:46 AM »
When you see how odd most single children are, it isn't a big jump for motivation for a second kid.

Sure, they are provided more and their childhood is distorted. The social oddities now stick out to me more than ever before.

talltexan

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Re: thinking about a second kid
« Reply #18 on: August 29, 2018, 08:09:14 AM »
That's an interesting opinion to have there. Care to enlighten the non-sibling-endowed people on this board how you came to that opinion?

Hula Hoop

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Re: thinking about a second kid
« Reply #19 on: August 29, 2018, 09:10:56 AM »
I'm kinda weird but have a sibling so there goes your theory right there.

letsdoit

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Re: thinking about a second kid
« Reply #20 on: August 29, 2018, 09:34:47 AM »
 it's a  hypothesis

haflander

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Re: thinking about a second kid
« Reply #21 on: August 29, 2018, 09:41:01 AM »
tbh, I get tired of the outrage and backlash when someone issues a stereotype. Some single children end up being fine. Some kids with siblings end up being weird. So what?? Any person with a functioning brain knows that we're not talking about 100% no-exception rules, or "100% of single kids are weird and 100% of sibling kids are normal." No one said that or is claiming that...duh.

I think instead of issuing exceptions, as if that disqualifies the stereotype (it doesn't) and attacking the person who spoke the stereotype, it would be more beneficial to examine why the stereotype exists in the first place. Is the stereotype of single kids being generally speaking more likely to be odd than kids with siblings 100% patently false? Personally, I don't think so.

Some interesting research...It turns out that something that CAN'T be debated is the fact that only children literally have different brain structures, resulting in greater creativity/flexibility/imagination and less agreeableness, ie, considering others. Whether these two personality traits as a combo are more or less preferable than the alternative is (as always) up for debate.
Interesting side note...the study that produced the above conclusion examined the generation of single children in China after their one child only policy. I'm interested to see more research on this generation in the future.
https://www.sciencealert.com/scientists-have-discovered-that-being-an-only-child-affects-brain-structure

Jrr85

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Re: thinking about a second kid
« Reply #22 on: August 29, 2018, 09:43:32 AM »
That's an interesting opinion to have there. Care to enlighten the non-sibling-endowed people on this board how you came to that opinion?

I haven't noticed single children being weird.  I've noticed they are typically better at interacting with adults when they are younger (which I'm pretty sure is reflective of realty just because it makes sense that spending more time interacting with parents rather than children would make them better at interacting with adults).  I've noticed that they typically are worse at conflict resolution as adolescents and adults, but not in a crippling way.  Just more likely to be difficult when they don't get their way and less able to navigate to win-wins.  No clue if that's a real effect or if that's just bias, as people are quick to attribute those traits to the only child but don't even think about whether somebody has siblings when they are not difficult. 

letsdoit

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Re: thinking about a second kid
« Reply #23 on: August 29, 2018, 12:32:51 PM »
tbh, I get tired of the outrage and backlash when someone issues a stereotype. Some single children end up being fine. Some kids with siblings end up being weird. So what?? Any person with a functioning brain knows that we're not talking about 100% no-exception rules, or "100% of single kids are weird and 100% of sibling kids are normal." No one said that or is claiming that...duh.

I think instead of issuing exceptions, as if that disqualifies the stereotype (it doesn't) and attacking the person who spoke the stereotype, it would be more beneficial to examine why the stereotype exists in the first place. Is the stereotype of single kids being generally speaking more likely to be odd than kids with siblings 100% patently false? Personally, I don't think so.

Some interesting research...It turns out that something that CAN'T be debated is the fact that only children literally have different brain structures, resulting in greater creativity/flexibility/imagination and less agreeableness, ie, considering others. Whether these two personality traits as a combo are more or less preferable than the alternative is (as always) up for debate.
Interesting side note...the study that produced the above conclusion examined the generation of single children in China after their one child only policy. I'm interested to see more research on this generation in the future.
https://www.sciencealert.com/scientists-have-discovered-that-being-an-only-child-affects-brain-structure

sounds like bullocks