Stop saving to stay home?

[TabbyCat]

TL;DR: I want to stay home, I can if we stop saving, that’s a scary step.

My dream has always been to be a stay at home mom, but now a little more than a year in I’m still working.  I commute about 3+ hours a day, and am just generally too exhausted and stressed out to keep going like this. I feel like I’m missing the things that mater most in life, like special moments with my kid. My husband wants me to stay home too. I am the primary earner in our household, but with a raise my husband is getting we figured out we could just barely make it work on a tight budget, but we would have to stop saving for retirement completely.

I’m trying to find part time work and/or something closer to home but it’s difficult to add looking for work on top of everything else. I’m already gone from 6am-6pm, then dinner, bath, cleaning, bed time – and after all that I just don’t have the energy to get online and put in applications. Part time work is also pretty rare in my field. I may be able to do occasional contract work and pour that all into savings, but it’s hard to count on that for planning purposes.

My fears: giving up finical security to live close to the edge, having an employment gap that would hurt my resume for future jobs. 

[solon]

My thought is, financial security is a poor substitute for a stay-at-home parent. I think you should quit your job, save all the trouble of commuting, raise your child for the next few years, and when jr. goes to school, you could pick up a part-time job.

I know it's scary, but children you are intimately connected to are invaluable.

[ender]

Live close to the edge?

How much do you spend and what does your husband make?

It seems pretty insane that your family (kids plural) would not be potentially better off by you staying home. There are many efficiency gains you can have by staying home, too.

[seattlecyclone]

How much do you already have saved? That matters. Your savings will continue to compound even if you're not adding to it anymore. It could very well be that this compounding would make you FI before too much longer, or perhaps not.

[pbkmaine]

Perhaps a case study?

[TabbyCat]

We have $130k in retirement, including $60 in roth IRAs we could access for an emergency, $70k in equity in the house and no debt. The mortgage is high - $2,400 a month including $98 in PMI. We actually have a cheaper house for our area (Seattle), are close to family and friends and would have to travel far to reduce our housing costs further. It’s a possibility, but something we aren’t ready to go for. We are initiating a refi that should remove PMI and reduce the payment since we made a lot of early payments this year. My husband makes $50k a year, but I’m realizing as I type that I forgot to account for the lower tax rate we would have on one income. My budget includes things we could cut back on more, like $500 for Christmas including extra food and presents for family – we really could cut that to $50 for a present for the kid only and a small tree. Or to $0 because family time is more important than stuff. It also includes saving $600 a month for a fund to cover a new roof, furnace, water heater and birth of planned second kid – the house items are all out of warranty and due to expire in the next five years, and the kid costs are based on what we ended up paying out of pocket for our first. I really, passionately want two kids. My idea of “close to the edge”  is really not all that close I guess, I’m just used to budgeting and restricting our finances being a fun thing we don’t have to do but choose to for savings, and if we spend an extra $30 at Costco that month it isn’t a big deal. I can add a breakdown of predicted budget line by line if other are interested.

Edit: husband's raise will make it $61k sometime in the next 3 months when effective.

[mxt0133]

You would be spending 48% of your gross income in housing and you still want to have another child.  I don't you if you have looked at it that way but you would be basically living paycheck to paycheck.  You did not specify how long you wanted to be a SAHP for but I'm going to assume until the kids start school.  If longer then you really can't afford that house if you quit your job.

To me doing it for a year or two if you really needed to sounds reasonable but you want to have another child, which means you could potentially be out of the workforce for another 5-6 years if you wait until both of them reach school age.

This is one of those situations where you can have most of the things you want but you can't have everything you want.  Are you willing to give up not only your future financial security but also your present financial security to be a SAHP?  What kind of support do you want to provide for your kids once they get older?  Activities, transportation, college will require more sacrifices if you choose to provide them for your kids.

We made a similar choice before kids, we choose to have my wife be a SAHP and financial security over a house and luxurious living.

[MrsDinero]

Can you sell the house and move closer to your job so you are  home earlier?

[Lizzaroo]

Can you rent for less than $2400 a mth close to hubby's work? That way commute costs will be saved and the roof/ water heater fund will be someone else's problem. Even if just for your non working years and then plan on buying/ working when the kid/s are in school.

[sunshine]

I worked very part time as in 12 to 16 hours a week the last 21 years. I am actually going fulltime next week. I don't regret one penny of what we gave up so I could be the one to be with our kids. As recent empty nester I'm glad I had that time and wouldn't trade a minute of it for more money. I found lots of ways to save $ and slash our budget. We have never had a large income but it worked. If you want it you'll have to slash expenses big time even if that means moving etc. You'll never get back the time you miss in your kids lives.

[ender]

We have $130k in retirement, including $60 in roth IRAs we could access for an emergency, $70k in equity in the house and no debt. The mortgage is high - $2,400 a month including $98 in PMI. We actually have a cheaper house for our area (Seattle), are close to family and friends and would have to travel far to reduce our housing costs further. It’s a possibility, but something we aren’t ready to go for. We are initiating a refi that should remove PMI and reduce the payment since we made a lot of early payments this year. My husband makes $50k a year, but I’m realizing as I type that I forgot to account for the lower tax rate we would have on one income. My budget includes things we could cut back on more, like $500 for Christmas including extra food and presents for family – we really could cut that to $50 for a present for the kid only and a small tree. Or to $0 because family time is more important than stuff. It also includes saving $600 a month for a fund to cover a new roof, furnace, water heater and birth of planned second kid – the house items are all out of warranty and due to expire in the next five years, and the kid costs are based on what we ended up paying out of pocket for our first. I really, passionately want two kids. My idea of “close to the edge”  is really not all that close I guess, I’m just used to budgeting and restricting our finances being a fun thing we don’t have to do but choose to for savings, and if we spend an extra $30 at Costco that month it isn’t a big deal. I can add a breakdown of predicted budget line by line if other are interested.

Edit: husband's raise will make it $61k sometime in the next 3 months when effective.

This is a far worse situation than I realized.

Your fixed housing costs are:

• 2400 mortgage
• 95 pmi
• 150-200 utilities?

Even with only 150 utilities, you guys are spending almost $32k/year on your house. I've no idea what utilities run in Seattle, though, maybe that's a high estimate. Starting with $61k income ($56.5k after FICA), you are going to be spending about 60% of your pay on housing even if your total taxes are zero.

This is ignoring any maintenance costs, too.

I would never recommend someone making $61k a year, supporting a wife and multiple kids, to have this expensive of a house. You have barely $2k/month for all the rest of your life expenses, healthcare, savings (both for stuff like cars and retirement), maintenance on your house, gifts or misc stuff, and this is still assuming zero income taxes.

My idea of “close to the edge”  is really not all that close I guess, I’m just used to budgeting and restricting our finances being a fun thing we don’t have to do but choose to for savings, and if we spend an extra $30 at Costco that month it isn’t a big deal. I can add a breakdown of predicted budget line by line if other are interested.

I would be curious to see your predicted budget. Everything about this situation screams "way too close" and "horrible idea" to me.

[Rubic]

As ender states, you're pretty close to the edge.  Is there any way you
could investigate opportunities to work from home?  Even some part-time
income would provide you with a better safety margin.

[hunniebun]

That is a tough situation for sure. I honestly think that you could give up your work and find something to generate at least some income on the side after you have had a chance to have a breather.  It sounds like your situation isn't sustainable anyway (I am thinking heath/mental health), so it is better to be proactive and leave your job on your own terms.  I would give my notice, take a few weeks to decompress and then start looking for something part time or a work from home opportunity.  You could babysit kids at home, pick up a hobby and sell online, bring in an exchange student, etc.? I think there are lots of different ways to earn a non-traditional income that could help in your  situation.  And after trying it for a while, you will know if it is sustainable to stay in your home or find something more affordable. 

[TabbyCat]

I agree – it is really tight. I know the right answer is to keep working as long as possible, it's just getting so hard, and I also don't want to damage my professional references by hitting a wall and having my quality of work crash and burn. It is already going down, so I worry about this. Right now we're just doing everything we can to try to reduce my stress so I can keep being successful.

Rough budget summary below. If we refinance now with a 3.7% rate the mortgage would drop PMI and go down to $2,200 a month (we are at 20% now but they don’t drop it until 22% or refi).  If I work through March of next year and we refi then with a 4% rate, the mortgage would go down to $2,077 including tax and insurance. We could rent a 2 bedroom apartment in this or neighboring zip codes for about $1,800-2,000 a month, not including utilities. When we were in a 1 bedroom we paid about $110 a month for water and about $70 a month for electric. We could rent for less if we moved further from work, family and friends.

I’d like to stay home for 4-5 years – that would put one kid in school and the hypothetical next kid in preschool. I’m not going into what we pay now with added childcare and commuting costs for me working, but if I only worked part time we have family who would watch one kid for free if I got part time and/or contract work here and there.

Rough expenses:

Mortgage (including tax, PMI, homeowners insurance): $2,400
Water: $120 (we already are on the low end of water consumption, dishwasher twice a week, 3-4 loads of laundry a week, short showers etc)
Electric & gas: $90 a month average over summer and winter (use natural light, rarely use furnace)
House - $2,610 (~$2,410 with refi now, ~$2,287 with refi next March)

Food/consumables (includes things like toilet paper, shampoo, etc): $450   
Diapers: $40
Kid clothes: $20
Health insurance: $160
Average copays for the year: $8
Car insurance: $110
Gas: $20 (one electric car gets charged at work for free)
Internet: $60
Phones: $160 (smart phones - area to cut)
Expenses: $1,028

Maintenance: $500 a month savings for future roof, furnace, water heater
Next kid: $208
Fun budget (holidays, zoo membership, pool visits): $46
Savings: $754

Total lean expenses: $4,393, $52,716 a year

[Mariposa]

Agree with hunniebun above: if I were you, I would quit my job immediately and look for a side hustle. Your current situation sounds like it's creating a lot of unhappiness. Yes, your budget is really, really tight. According to this tax calculator:

https://smartasset.com/taxes/washington-tax-calculator#TcL09sx5XB

a 61k income might not even completely cover your lean budget. That calculator doesn't take into account mortgage interest deduction, child tax credit, etc. But still.

I think that after a few weeks or months of decompression, if you can find a side hustle that generates even 10k a year, there'd be a lot more room to breathe.

Also, for anyone who depends on a car, you also need to budget for 5-8k in cash on hand to buy a reliable used car in case anything happens to one of your cars. Agree with cutting the smartphone bill: you can easily trim that down to $40/mo or so.

As someone who also lives in a HCOL where housing costs > our monthly expenses, I don't necessarily agree with those advising you to get rid of your house. If your husband has a reasonable commute, and you are close to friends and family who can help with childcare, it may be something worth paying for.

[ender]

Total lean expenses: $4,393, $52,716 a year

At $61k/year, your husband will have about $4700 in mandatory FICA taxes. This puts his income after this at only $56k, which is only a few thousand larger than your "lean expenses" figure.

Any unexpected expenses are going to come from the difference here, which is about $3k. You threw out $500 for Christmas, down to 2.5k already. And that's without any auto repairs or meaningful travel.

I really want to caution you about this tight of a budget. Unless you have good reason to expect your husband's income will dramatically go up in the  near future, you are really setting yourself up for a stressful situation. +1 to the idea of finding better part-time work.

[LouLou]

I could not commute 3+ hours and be happy, even without a kid.  Now that I have a baby, there is no way in hell I could do it.  If you feel unhappy or stressed, just know that you are having a reasonable reaction to a tough situation.

I don't think the answer is to quit and stop working altogether this very moment, and I don't think the answer is staying in your current situation. The answer is somewhere in between:

• Can you move to part time at your job? Flex your hours to avoid traffic? Work from home some days or all the time?
• If there are no options at your current job, are there any side hustles you can do? Shops near your home that are hiring?  Look into other remote jobs - there are call center type jobs that are WFH and people on this site have mentioned Leapforce
• Tap into your professional network. Are they aware of anything closer to your home, or remote?
• Can you start living like you only have your husband's salary while you are still working?  Save every penny you make.

You may be too tired to deal with this.  I say, use sick days or vacation time to take a few days off.  Spend the first day cuddling with your kid, getting fresh air, getting some sleep, exercising if you like that sort of thing.  Spend the other days for your exit plan - apply to jobs, activate your network, figure out ways to cut down the budget, and prepare an argument to your current job about why you should be able to flex hours / WFH / go part time.

And you are only one part of this.  Your husband should also think about how to increase income.

[TabbyCat]

Thanks, all! I know this “live lean and close to the edge with no safety margin” thing is the opposite of this forum’s original intentions, and I am grateful for the good fortune we do have. Just looking to leverage what resources we have into a better quality of life. Husband’s raise would actually be to $63k a year, he corrected me. It is a military job, and all mortgage expenses would be income tax free as $27k a year would be allowed as BAH. Between that and standard deductions, our tax and social security contributions would be around $4k a year, leaving $59 a year to work with assuming I bring in nothing. 

Current plan: keep doing what we’re doing, looking for part time work, and building towards a refi to reduce the monthly payments. Check back in January-March. I think I overestimated the $500 a month for a roof, furnace and water heater in 5 years and that could maybe be more like $300 a month, but I’m sure I forgot other expenses in my rough estimate too so it’s likely a wash/safety margin.

Anyway. Happy (almost) Monday - another week, let's go.

[okits]

Just as I was previewing to post, I saw your update!  Sounds like a good plan.  I'll post my comment anyway, in case any is helpful.
TabbyCat, I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling with work-parenting-life demands.

Are any of the details from these posts (May/June) different?  Kiddo sleeping better?  Husband no longer in night school so you can do a little work at home after kid is in bed?  No longer pumping milk?  Husband taking a turn getting up at night when toddler wakes?  Work any less hectic?

Wondering how other working moms keep up. At almost 10 months old, a good night of sleep means waking up 2-3 times, a bad night means I loose count. I have a very intense job and used to keep up by working 9-10 hour days in the office and logging on for another hour or two at home at night. I haven't been able to log on from home since it's usually just me at night (husband works and is in night school) and I'm also usually too worn out to be good for anything anyway. I'm drowning, and its getting harder instead of easier. Bosses are not understanding when I fall behind.... Any advice? One of my biggest challenges is the number of meetings and teams I work with. Most in my role work with 1-3 customer groups and I have 7. It's the same number of projects, but the added points of contact and meetings make it difficult to keep track. Reducing my number of contacts isn't an option, but I'm trying to use it to help explain my position.

Thank you to everyone who responded, for the advice and the commiseration. This is the most beautiful, remarkable and mind numbingly difficult part of my life so far. It's nice just to talk about it and get some feedback.

My husband is almost done with school for the quarter and skipping next quarter. He's starting to help a bit more. I'm getting stricter on my hours and letting some things go.

We cosleep right now because that's been the way we get the best sleep (this is relative - but still better than the times we tried having her in her crib). I have friends who had sleep training work really well, I'm just not yet ready to try it. I am not convinced it would work for us with our strong willed and very attached baby, but maybe everyone says that. We're going to side-car the crib to try to ease her into it. I think sleep is really the most important thing, I can take on a lot more with some. Asking my husband to help on alternate nights so I can get some more.

I pump and nurse. It's important to me to provide milk for the first year. Going to try cutting out other things for now instead like cleaning and trying to cook.

There are no other women with babies in the office. There will be others within the next year.

My first thought is to wonder if you're considering a long-term change (4-5 years out of the workforce where your skills and contacts face obsolescence and, depending on how old you are, you may face age discrimination trying to re-enter) for life circumstances that may get easier in the coming months and years.  If there are tweaks that could help you ride it out (e.g. night doula to help sleep train your toddler, work from home days or half-days, outsource housework, using vacation days to give yourself breaks), short-term solutions are better suited to addressing a short-term problem.

Risk tolerance is individual, but the numbers you've provided would give me severe anxiety.  You would have a much better safety margin if your stash was larger or if your household income (minus the earnings from your full-time job) was higher.

What is your timeline for having a second child?  You could take short-term measures to make your life easier and stick it out at work until you have a second baby, then reassess.  By that time hopefully your stash is bigger and your family income sources (excluding your FT job) are high enough that quitting to SAH is more financially favourable.  Sometimes having an end date (or reassessment date) in mind can make things seem more manageable.
 

[TabbyCat]

RE: okits (quote doesn't work for me on this computer), it is better in some ways. I think what would help most would just be to reduce the commute significantly. I made it to one year on breastmilk, then dropped to formula and cow milk and that's working great. Toddler still sleeps like a three month old and that's crap for all of us, but short of doing cry it out which just doesn't feel right, we've hit a wall and are just hoping to grow out of it. Husband is taking a break from school and just started doing drop off last week so I don't have to do both pickup and drop off. I was also in a car accident recently and am still piecing back together from a minor concussion and neck pain. It wasn't a bad accident at all, I was just rear-ended, but it upped my anxiety and further hurt my ability to focus. That was a month ago and I feel closer to back to normal now, just with a bit of setback. It's all cumulative though, no one moment may be too much, but all of the things together make us wish we had a few more options and a little less on our plates. I think with a bit more saved up we can make it work. In an ideal world I'd like to take 4-5 years off, but even just one year and then back would be great too. Going to stick it out as we can and build savings in the mean time I think.

[Urchina]

Something I didn't see mentioned... you say you're the primary breadwinner but you also want to be the SAHP.

Have you considered having your husband stay home?

When we made this decision, we decided to have the primary breadwinner (my husband) keep working full-time while I stayed home with the kids. This was not an easy or purely economic situation (I really, really wanted to work part-time but the situation did not pan out when our kids were younger -- but now I work a full-time equivalent with two part-time jobs).

Had our situation been different, DH would have stayed home with the kids happily, and he probably would have been a happier SAHP. (It turns out I REALLY needed the intellectual and social stimulation of work outside our home).

Good luck as you figure this out!

[former player]

A toddler that sleeps like a 3 month old does not make for a happy household, even without all the other pressures on you all.  I realise you say that "cry it out" doesn't feel right, but I do think that fixing this one thing would be a big help for all of you, especially the toddler - children grow when they are sleeping, not when they are awake.

I'm not going to get into methods, because I've no idea other than to know it's a contentious area.  But I do think that if you can sort it so that your child sleeps through the night it would make your family's lives a lot better.

[Nick_Miller]

I'll just say that $1,000 per month would make a TON of difference in your proposed budget.

Perhaps a side hussle you could work on during evenings or weekends when your husband is home to help with the kiddo?

I agree with those who say the proposed budget is way too tight, but I could also see you making it work (at least for a few years) if you all could bring in another $12,000 per through some sort of side hussle/consulting/part-time evening/weekends job.

[little_brown_dog]

I am a huge proponent of the SAH lifestyle for those that want it, but I too question whether this is a financially prudent move. There is a big difference between "I'll SAH and we'll be comfortable and saving a good amount but not rich" and "I'll SAH and we'll essentially be living paycheck to paycheck."

It is also worth noting that being a SAHM in tight financial circumstances is very different than being a SAHM with more financial wiggle room. Unless you plan on only doing very frugal activities and staying home almost all the time, you will want a bit of breathing room for things like outings or personal time like a yoga class. The much sought after freedom and flexibility of the SAH life can quickly dissipate if you feel like you can't or shouldn't go to the zoo, get a gym membership, etc. I naturally don't engage in much spending, but simply knowing that I CAN go buy some nice things for the house, or I could buy a yoga pass, or I can easily buy all those ingredients to make a fancy dinner at any point is very freeing. If I didn't have that type of financial flexibility, I might still feel trapped despite not having a 9-5 job. All these gorgeous frugal homemaker blogs make this lifestyle look so peaceful and awesome and financially viable, but the truth is that it is much more fun to be frugal and thrifty when your finances don't completely depend upon it.

[lilactree]

We have a one year old as well, and I think we were a little slow on offering her more frequent (solid food) snacks. There are definitely still ups and downs with her sleep (e.g. with teething), but I think she would have had more and better "good" nights sooner with an extra snack or two during waking hours.

Recently we are also slowly trying this: if she seems to need a bottle in the middle of the night, dilute it slightly with water (e.g. instead of her usual 5 oz formula/milk, make it 4 oz plus 1 oz water, or maybe 3.5 and 1.5). The thought is to slightly nudge her toward fewer calories at night, more during the day. But I'll still nurse her whenever at night if she wants (chronic low milk supply, so...); can't tell if that's messing this up but I'm ok with that for now, and she doesn't seem to want a bottle during the night as often.  Btw I did check with the doctor's office about the dilution thing for the middle of the night, e.g. 3am.

Good luck! I can relate on some of this for sure!

[mm1970]

Thanks, all! I know this “live lean and close to the edge with no safety margin” thing is the opposite of this forum’s original intentions, and I am grateful for the good fortune we do have. Just looking to leverage what resources we have into a better quality of life. Husband’s raise would actually be to $63k a year, he corrected me. It is a military job, and all mortgage expenses would be income tax free as $27k a year would be allowed as BAH. Between that and standard deductions, our tax and social security contributions would be around $4k a year, leaving $59 a year to work with assuming I bring in nothing. 

Current plan: keep doing what we’re doing, looking for part time work, and building towards a refi to reduce the monthly payments. Check back in January-March. I think I overestimated the $500 a month for a roof, furnace and water heater in 5 years and that could maybe be more like $300 a month, but I’m sure I forgot other expenses in my rough estimate too so it’s likely a wash/safety margin.

Anyway. Happy (almost) Monday - another week, let's go.

Yes, pretty much I look at your housing costs and think that it's way too close to the edge.  But I feel for you. I've got 2 kids and work FT, it's exhausting.  I've never had that commute, and in the early years, I did do 2.5 years of reduced work hours.  It was glorious.

It is very hard to find a part time job, in my experience.  If you are unable to negotiate it at your current job, try and find a new job - closer to home.  And even full time.

Often, when asked if you can work PT, the answer is no.
If you give notice, the answer can change.

Good luck.

[LouLou]

Also, random product plug.  Have you heard of a magic merlin sleep suit?  I bought a used one on ebay, but new is only $40.  Some babies start sleeping through the night immediately. 

I've used it for a week.  My daughter fell asleep faster the first few days we used it.  She fell asleep within a few minutes, even when I shoved her in there while she was screaming.   After a few days, she only woke up once during the night!  It was amazing!!!  She is only 11 weeks old.  Maybe that will help your baby too.

[TabbyCat]

Thanks, all! I totally agree - the sleep and commute issues are huge stressed that can and will be fixed with time. I will always welcome sleep advice from others - never know what will work for your kid until you try it.

[frugal rph]

My total budget is similar to yours with lower rent but higher childcare costs (I'm a solo parent of 2). I work part-time, and the only reason I feel comfortable with such a tight budget is that I have a big stash I'm ok with tapping when I need to. I can also pick up more hours at work fairly easily. If I didn't have my savings or quick ability to earn more money, I would be way too stressed to justify working part time. I just couldn't deal with it if a major car repair or other emergency expense was a big financial stressor.  The poster who commented that staying home on an extremely tight budget may not be that great is spot on.

[Mariposa]

Thanks, all! I totally agree - the sleep and commute issues are huge stressed that can and will be fixed with time. I will always welcome sleep advice from others - never know what will work for your kid until you try it.

I'm a working mom, and I can say that solving the sleep issue made a huge, huge difference in our lives. Like you, I was very much against the crying it out methods to begin with. But our baby went through a major sleep regression around 4 months and started to wake up between 6-20x a night. There were nights he would wake up every 20minutes, and I never got more than 2-3h sleep at a stretch. I gave him 8 weeks, but his sleep didn't improve on its own at all. I felt like I couldn't continue and was willing to try anything at that point. So we sleep trained, basically using the Ferber method. I won't lie: it was really painful. But our baby basically slept 11h straight THE SECOND NIGHT, likely out of exhaustion. After a week, he could put himself to sleep without any crying at all. We've had to sleep train again on a few occasions, usually after traveling or some other interruption, but it would only take maybe 2 nights for him to learn to sleep again, and it was never as bad as the first time. Our baby is now 13mo old and sleeps like a champ.

My own sleep was so broken up that it took me months before I could sleep a solid 6-8h a night again.

If you're interested, these two books helped me:

https://www.amazon.com/Healthy-Sleep-Habits-Happy-Child/dp/0553394800/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1475548038&sr=8-1&keywords=healthy+sleep+happy+child
(Mostly for the intellectual framework of sleep training; we did not do the sort of extreme form of "leave your baby in his crib for 12 hours" sleep training recommended in this book.)

https://www.amazon.com/Sleepeasy-Solution-Exhausted-Parents-Getting/dp/0757305601/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1475548182&sr=8-1&keywords=sleepeasy
(Has practical tips and outlines a sleep plan.)

You could probably get those books from your local library.

[tthree]

With that tight of a budget I wouldn't be comfortable with you making nothing.  I recently went to 50% hours at my main job.  I was able to do this without flinching as my side hustles bring in $400-1000/month, and we rent out our basement for $800/month.  (Yes we could "afford" for me to work 0% hours at my main job, but we are not ready for that....yet).  I feel the need to mention, my side hustles have nothing to with my real job.  They are life long interests, border lining on obsessions, that happen to pay me:)

[TabbyCat]

my side hustles bring in $400-1000/month, and we rent out our basement for $800/month.

Curious what it is if you felt like sharing.

Thank you to the other commenters with sleep suggestions - we'll give them a try!

I don't think not having disposable cash on hand making it less fun would be an issue, there are dozens of things we could do for free or for $2 of gas and I would also love to start a free preschool group with other stay home friends and host play dates and so on. The hard part for me is seeing her grow and missing it. I had to take her pictures down at work because it's just too depressing to see the stages that are gone already and to still not be there for them. I could live with being broke, not getting a haircut for a few years, no new clothes for a few years easily. We're still looking into options though.

[tthree]

my side hustles bring in $400-1000/month, and we rent out our basement for $800/month.

Curious what it is if you felt like sharing.

Side Hustle #1: Fitness Instructor.  This one is a good deal:)  My club paid for all my training, and they pay for all my instructional DVDs.  I get a free gym membership, and free child care when I am teaching.  They pay me $25/hr.  If I sub for someone it's $30/hr.

Side Hustle #2: Minor Sport Official.  This one is not such a good deal, as I have taken on way too many unpaid roles.  But I do official training and actual competitions which are paid.  Plus I get free trips across the country.

[little_brown_dog]

I don't think not having disposable cash on hand making it less fun would be an issue, there are dozens of things we could do for free or for $2 of gas and I would also love to start a free preschool group with other stay home friends and host play dates and so on. The hard part for me is seeing her grow and missing it. I had to take her pictures down at work because it's just too depressing to see the stages that are gone already and to still not be there for them. I could live with being broke, not getting a haircut for a few years, no new clothes for a few years easily. We're still looking into options though.

My response wasn’t about what makes being a SAHP less fun persay, but rather what could make it legitimately stressful/unhealthy. Regardless of whether you are working or not, teetering on the edge of paycheck to paycheck living every day for months or years is stressful and can really wreck havoc on your mental state and relationship. My words of caution were geared towards making sure that you don’t accidentally paint SAH living as too rosy when looking at the finances (we all tend to romanticize the life we want but have yet to live). For example, there are costs that actually increase when you have a SAHP. Utility costs usually go up (electric, heat, water) because you have someone home all day long using those things. Make sure you budget for that as you do your calculations. Or you may find that hobby expenses go up – more free time often means more to fill that time with, and even cheap craft supplies still cost something. Many SAHPs naturally start taking a greater interest in their home (decorating, gardening, etc) because they are in it all the time, or they jump at the chance to go out for coffee/lunch a couple times a month with their local SAHP group. Even the most introverted, frugal homemakers have expenses outside of the bare necessities. Even just 150-200/mo of wiggle room in the budget can eliminate that anxiety and pressure, and really help you to actually enjoy the SAH experience instead of feeling trapped by a lack of money. And that is really important, because when you start denying yourself even really small things because of money worries, it’s only a matter of time before the fighting starts with your spouse.

Sorry to be a bit of a downer, but as a SAHM I don't think many people really accurately assess the expenses of being a SAHP. They only see the savings (no commute, no more frequent coffee/lunch costs, no daycare cost!) and forget to account for the fact that while the SAHP life is often lower cost relative to working full time, it is not by any means cost free. If you assume it will be virtually cost free to stay home, you will end up shooting yourself in the foot. Budget realistically, not idealistically.

[Goldielocks]

OP,  you missed an option....   lower paid work is often available close to where people live...

Quit work.   Then over the next 2 years, get trained (part time, slowly) in something that is very portable, that you can do part time AND close to your home.   I am thinking jobs like hair stylist, house painter, landscape, book keeping, child care., admin assistant at the local insurance office..   etc.

The goal is for you to be able to have on-going income in the near future (within a couple of years), that you can take with you where ever you may move to.  Especially if husband is military.   Does not need to be a large salary, just a supplement to family income, and for when the kids are a tiny bit older.

[CurranBishop]

First up, I think your care in weighing all these things is awesome and you're doing an awesome job.

Second, you can make this work: I make $50k a year and my wife stays home with our 4 kids (and we're saving over $1,500 p/ mo.). It can be done. Now, we live in a much cheaper housing area than you do (our mortgate is 600 p/ mo.), but we have 3 more people to care for than you're aiming for and $10k less income per year to do it with. Your taxes are going to come down with two kids, and the calculators that aren't adjusting for mortgage interest deductions can't give you a very accurate picture because that is significant.

Think about all the ways staying at home will cut your costs vs. continuing to work. You're going to have to start paying a lot for childcare, you are currently paying a lot on your commute, and if you started staying home could you make it with one car? If you kept the electric car that would cut your gas to $0, and would almost halve your insurance. You could also use cloth diapers which would increase your water and energy costs slightly, but would probably cut your diaper costs by half, more if you were aggressive about avoiding disposable.

It seems like you could also cut your smart phone costs by almost $100 per month if you switch to H20, Ting, Google Fye, or Republic. Another option if you're committed to staying with whatever your current provider is, would be to band together with some of the local family you mention--this isn't as cheap as the services I mentioned, but would be a lot better than you're currently paying. Another place to look for savings would be to see if you can go in with a neighbor on internet. I bought a better router and large antenna on Amazon and was able to start using the same internet for home and office (I only work a few hundred yards from home), but now I go in with my employer for internet costs, saving us both money. If you do something like this with a neighbor or two you could significantly cut your internet costs.

I know from friends experience that in many states you can provide childcare for several children that are not yours without having to go through the hoops to become a registered daycare. If you were to watch an aditional child or two while staying home that could be another $5-12k per year (you'd need to look into rates in your area for this sort of service).

I haven't explored your housing costs at all here, because you know your market a lot better than I do, but the suggestion to look into renting (though only if it represents significant savings) seems worthwhile, as would looking into selling your current house and buying a duplex and covering some of your mortgage costs with rental income (and getting a built-in internet shar-er!).

Having 130k in retirement, no debt and 70k equity in your house is not "living paycheck to paycheck" when your current lean budget still provides for 700+ in savings a month. I don't know what you currently make, but with your commute and the cost of childcare, you may even come out ahead by choosing to stay home until your kids reach school age. IMHO you may be making a more financially responsible decision to stay home than to keep working; you certainly shouldn't feel like you're being irresponsible to do so.

[LAL]

Why not sell the house and move closer to job?  Rent?  Or move closer to DH job permenantly if you want to stay at home for 3-5 years.  Rent and stay at home with less expenses you can do it. Plus cashing out equity would allow flexibility.  What are your housing options to discuss?  What about renting near your work?

I stay at home so we prioritize DH's commute.  But that has also translated that he's a big wage earner because I stay at home.  He gets to have his cake and eat it at work.  Will focusing on your DH's job/promotions mean that he has potential to make more?  What do you both do? 

Something I've seen with SAHP versus two working the one income wage earner often goes out and kills it more and faster than two working parents.  Many of them work harder and get promoted faster.  Just something to consider.  When both people work often they have to both compromise for kids and make it harder to compete with single people, people with stay at home spouses who do everything.  And many times they live where SAHP work but can't work as many hours because they are rushing back to pick up the kids versus "hey sure I can work late or travel on a whim" like a single person or workers without kids that are married.

[Indio]

Can you do your job remotely? Or try working remotely 2 days a week?
My bff planned to take 2 yrs off to stay home. DH was laid off twice, had more kids and by time she tried to look seriously for work had been out of workforce too long and couldn't find a job in IT.

[Inevitable]

My wife started staying at home with our son when he was 1 year old.  We worked very hard to make sure she could do this (I make less than your husband, but my housing is a third of yours).  It was a great decision.  That's time you can never get back with your kid.  They're only this little once.  If your budget works then I say do it.  Who cares about money (as long as you have enough to make this work that is).  Life is about maximizing the amount of freedom and happiness you can achieve.  Think about all of the things you can do to maximize savings once you're at home.  You can find the best deals on food, and cook better meals because you have more time.  Most people (even mustachians) can save a significant amount of money just on food.

I get to see my son and wife every day at lunch too, which I love.

TLDR: What's more important to you and your family?  Savings or having that time together?

[Slow&Steady]

Rough expenses:

Mortgage (including tax, PMI, homeowners insurance): $2,400
Water: $120 (we already are on the low end of water consumption, dishwasher twice a week, 3-4 loads of laundry a week, short showers etc)
Electric & gas: $90 a month average over summer and winter (use natural light, rarely use furnace)
House - $2,610 (~$2,410 with refi now, ~$2,287 with refi next March)

Food/consumables (includes things like toilet paper, shampoo, etc): $450   
Diapers: $40
Kid clothes: $20
Health insurance: $160
Average copays for the year: $8
Car insurance: $110
Gas: $20 (one electric car gets charged at work for free)
Internet: $60
Phones: $160 (smart phones - area to cut)
Expenses: $1,028

Maintenance: $500 a month savings for future roof, furnace, water heater
Next kid: $208
Fun budget (holidays, zoo membership, pool visits): $46
Savings: $754

Total lean expenses: $4,393, $52,716 a year

There are a few things that I think might be missing from this.  Are you not planning to buy adult clothes for the next few years?  What about car maintenance/registration?  Is nobody going to get a haircut, or eat a lunch out?  Are you planning to do any charitable acts (raffle tickets, candy bars, 5k, etc)? What about family trips?  Do you not have Netflix/Hulu/Amazon?  Are you and your family comfortable giving up birthdays, Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Easter all of these things sneak up on me every year, at minimum my grocery budget is higher during those months?

I am a working mom that likes being a working mom but after a year with a horrible commute I was thinking about becoming a SAHP.  I worked hard at finding a job with a shorter/less stressful commute and after 3-4 months I finally found something and am really happy.  It sounds like you are not happy to be a working mom and there is nothing wrong with that but I don't think your budget currently allows for you to not work at all. 

I would keep looking for something, I would include full-time with a shorter or less stressful commute, it might surprise how much happier you are while still working.  My commute only got cut by 15 min but it is headed out of town not into town so I never have to deal with traffic.  On the other hand, even a part-time something not in your field might bring in just a few hundred dollars a month and really might make this doable for you.  Are you willing to work evenings/weekends at a low pay to be able to stay home during the day?

[TabbyCat]

OP,  you missed an option....   lower paid work is often available close to where people live...

Definitely looking into this too, but from what I am finding so far, part time work is limited. I think the best part time options happen organically - employer loves employee, employee requests flexibility, new arrangement is negotiated. My current job has no such flexibility. I would ideally like to work 2-3 days a week, but I just don't feel like I can count on it as a budget idea when it isn't lined up. But again, working on it :)

[TabbyCat]

Second, you can make this work: I make $50k a year and my wife stays home with our 4 kids (and we're saving over $1,500 p/ mo.). It can be done.

That's amazing! I think you're right, housing is key. Thank you for the feedback.

[Goldielocks]

OP,  you missed an option....   lower paid work is often available close to where people live...

Definitely looking into this too, but from what I am finding so far, part time work is limited. I think the best part time options happen organically - employer loves employee, employee requests flexibility, new arrangement is negotiated. My current job has no such flexibility. I would ideally like to work 2-3 days a week, but I just don't feel like I can count on it as a budget idea when it isn't lined up. But again, working on it :)

I was thinking more that you would be full time at home, for now, but training / learning for readily available work over a couple of years, so when kids are a bit older, you can get part time or full time with no commute.

Maybe right now, just take in another child to care for... deliver papers while pushing kids in stroller, that sort of thing.

[MrsDinero]

One thing you could do, is a 3-5 months trial run of your new budget.  Live on your husband's salary.


Any expense that is a 100% direct result of your having to work can come out of your paycheck and you just stash the rest. 

I picked 3-5 months because doing something for 1-2 months is easy, doing it after the newness wears off is different.

If you are able to make it work on your husband's salary then you should feel more comfortable quitting and you will have a little emergency fund saved up too.

[cats]

I realize this may not be an option with a toddler who wakes up at night around, but given that you live in a nice big metro area, is there any chance part of your home would be a candidate for AirBnB?  Perhaps you have a "bonus" room or something that is a little separate from the rest of the living area?

I would definitely ask your boss about remote work 1-2 days/week if it would save you commute time.  I was able to do this for a couple of months when I first went back to work this summer and it was a lifesaver as we went through the 4-month sleep regression.  Even if it's just a short-term arrangement it might help you get refreshed/reset and make things more manageable for the long-term.

[MayDay]

I quit after kid #2 was born.  Stayed at home and worked various odd job type things.  I watched a kid one day a week for 10$ an hour.  Same age as my daughter, and I just threw them both in a double stroller and off we went as usual.  I worked one evening a week at a farmers market- 8$ an hour + free veggies.  I substitute taught once the kids were in preschool and school.  I did market testing for a company in town.  Never worked more than about a day a week but it brought in a bit of money and was fun.

Now I just started a "real" part time job, 50% time, in my field.  My kids are both in FT school and I was ready.

If you are willing to look outside the box (and especially if your H has regular enough work hours that he can help with childcare) you can find some thing.  One friend, for example, worked breakfast as a server at a fancy hotel- 5 am to 9 am.  She just found a neighbor who could watch her kid from 8 to 9 am between when her H left for work and she got home.  She made big bucks with tips- 20 to 30/hour. 

[Guses]

Toddler still sleeps like a three month old and that's crap for all of us, but short of doing cry it out which just doesn't feel right, we've hit a wall and are just hoping to grow out of it. Husband is taking a break from school and just started doing drop off last week so I don't have to do both pickup and drop off.

Our 2 year old (at the time) was waking several times a night and needed to be rocked to sleep in the arms of my wife. My wife was totally opposed to using cry it out.

Eventually, she was so tired that she finally caved in and we tried that method. It took 2 nights for him to get over it. He cried an hour and a half the first time and 45 minutes the second. After that, we were golden!

I understand your dilemma. What convinced my wife to do it is thinking about all the time the toddler spent awake at night and crying versus the longer crying period of "cry it out" but shorter time span. In the end, the right choice is the one that will allow the kid to get a good night's sleep and sometimes that means making some hard choices.

Totally not judging, just sharing my experience. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.   

[kodokan]

Totally get the aversion to letting children cry during sleep training. It's hellish - we got through it together, sitting on the sofa sipping wine and holding hands, each taking it in turns to talk about how it was the best thing for our son and us, and reassure ourselves we were being good parents.

And I truly, truly believe we were. Children NEED sleep for their own health and growth reasons, and they deserve the most well-rested and healthy, not-run-down-all-the-time parents we can be. We mustn't shy away from that responsibility to teach them a new skill or to do what's best for them, for what can be years, because of a brief moment of upset. Children cry and shriek about all sorts of things that they still have to suck it up about - keep the car seat belt on, wear shoes and a coat in January, not fling themselves into the lake 'because cute duckies!' Because we're the adults, who make the hard decisions based on logic and experience.

It took around 3 hours the first night - we popped in a few times to calmly reassure and settle without lifting out of the cot - and less than an hour the second. And you know what? Not only did we feel so much better once we were getting our evenings back and undisturbed nights, HE was much happier! Calmer, more engaged and active during the day, less prone to colds, just generally not as run down. I've never regretted it for a second.