Spouse gives away lots of children's clothes every season

[ejh]

Hi,

We have girls, age 2.7 and 1.7. We plan for more.
My wife has this thing where every summer and winter, she goes through all their clothes (and hers too) and reorganizes everything.
This is great. She sees what she wants to keep for next year, what's already too small and she wants to store and what she wants to get rid of (usually to donate).
The issue is, every round like this, we end up with one or many garbage bags full of clothes she wants to give away. she says that's how it was for her growing up - buy new clothes and give away old. Sometimes I see what she gives away and I don't get it. It's in great shape, and she'll definitely want the next girl to have something similar. So what's the point? We'll just end up buying a new one!
I raised the issue once in a larger discussion of how we buy too much clothes for the kids anyway. She obviously got upset and said I'm cheap and why should the kids wear worn out clothing, etc.
This whole clothing thing is a really sensitive issue she thinks that part of every monthly expense must go out on clothes for the girls. Granted, she doesn't buy herself too much and I know she wants to. But since we're now living on a single income and have to pay mortgage and other expenses, she tries real hard to not spend on clothes for herself.

What should I do? Just let it go? Try to convince her to change?

[little_brown_dog]

Is your wife from a poor family, or a family where kids had to wear ratty hand me downs? Many people from these circumstances view hand me downs (even those in perfect condition!) as an indicator of lower status. It's an emotional reaction - they want their kids to have THE BEST, particularly if they didn't.

My recommendation would be to take a different approach - instead of focusing on saving money via hand me downs (which can come across as you saying you don't want to buy the girls new clothes), focus on the attributes of the clothing item being given away:

"oh that was so cute on sally, let's keep it so JJ can wear it!"

"this is in perfect condition, let's keep it"

"this coat will be the perfect size for her next winter!"

[Kapiira]

Although I agree with you completely, I wouldn't push too hard.  Will she agree to stick to a budget for the kids clothes?  If you guys are financially sound I would start with a budgeted amount that she is on board with.  If you guys are going into debt or failing to save for retirement I would advocate for a more ambitious number.

Also, I agree with little_brown_dog.  I have a family member who grew up with little money.  When the kids were younger he wouldn't hear of buying anything used for them or using hand me downs.  His significant other would gently bring it up now and again, and over time he's been more willing to have his kids wear/use used items.

[ejh]

No, she's not from a poor family. On the contrary, she grew up with many many new clothes every season. Furthermore her mom would buy her a lot of new nice stuff all the time and continues to do so now as a grandmother.
And I should be clear, there are many many items we keep and our second girl wore lots of stuff handed down from her older sister. She does not have a problem with this. We even received many clothes from family and she was extremely happy with that. We still keep many items for the future.
That is not the case. The case is that even with all the above, we still give away a lot (in my opinion). Many are worn our, but many are not. My question is, should I even spend energy on this or does it sound to you as a marginal thing which isn't worth disagreeing on?

[ABC123]

Is she giving those away then buying more of the same or similar items? Or is she just giving away what the younger one has outgrown? If the younger one could use them but she is buying new clothes for her, I would have an issue with that. But if she is giving stuff away rather than storing it for a potential future child, I wouldn't complain too much. Who knows if you will actually have another one. And if you do it could be a boy.

[NoStacheOhio]

Is she giving those away then buying more of the same or similar items? Or is she just giving away what the younger one has outgrown? If the younger one could use them but she is buying new clothes for her, I would have an issue with that. But if she is giving stuff away rather than storing it for a potential future child, I wouldn't complain too much. Who knows if you will actually have another one. And if you do it could be a boy.

I think this is the crux of it. Donating stuff you're going to replace in a year is counterproductive.

BUT this is one of those things that may be worth compromising (as long as it isn't causing financial distress) for the sake of a harmonious marriage.

[Cassie]

I had 3 boys and saved everything but shoes. The younger 2 never got new clothes until they started school. Kids outgrow them so fast that clothes are hard to wear out.  Once they were in school everyone got some new clothes of course. If you plan on more kids definitely keep them until you are done.  YOu can waste a lot of $ on kids clothes.

[merula]

I think the bigger question is how this fits into your overall financial situation. If you're saving 50%+ of your income, and your wife is spending <1% of your income on new clothes, I would let it go.

If, however, your savings level could use some work, or the total amount spent on clothes is getting high, I think that's a different story. There's no sense in giving something away to just buy it again next year.

Does your wife have any environmentalist qualities? So much clothing gets thrown in the trash, even when you give it to thrift stores, that it's really a waste to not wear it as long as you can. And cotton farming is crazy water-intensive.

[cchrissyy]

Multiple bags of giveaways sure sounds like a lot.
I mean, if I gave away ALL my kid's clothes it would fill multiple bags. but if I was only giving away the worn out / faded / ill-fitting stuff, well, it can't be that many pieces because her entire wardrobe isn't that many pieces. You know?  So to me it does sound like the fundmental problem is over-buying

[I'm a red panda]

Maybe buy some bins so she can easily store the sizes until the next kid is ready for them without it being a mess and a hassle?

Or suggest she at least use a facebook sale site to sell them as batches and have some money to buy a few of the new outfits next season?

[emilypsf]

I am going to say the opposite of Cassie.  Around age 3, my son started to wear out clothes.  He literally had no 3t or 4t pants without holes to hand down by the time he was done with them, so this problem may solve itself in a few years.  I'm a first child and have no problem with hand-me-downs.  I have a friend who is a second child and refuses to give any of his three children hand-me-downs.  He even bought each their own co-sleeper.  So there may be that dynamic at play as well.  I'd try to salvage big ticket items like jackets and dress clothes and let go of the rest

[Cpa Cat]

If she's able to see and agree that some items are in excellent shape, then keeping a tub or two of good quality clothes in storage for your future children makes sense - especially given their age.

But if it's a non-starter, because she has an emotional reaction to hand-me-downs, this does not seem worth spending time on. You are, after all, talking about saving clothing for children who don't exist yet.

The other thing to consider is that if items are in excellent condition, it may be because they didn't work out for some reason - they were uncomfortable, fit oddly, were inconvenient. In that case, there's no point in keeping them for future children in the hopes that they'll magically transform into clothes that are going to work for the next kid.

[steviesterno]

My wife has been buying holiday themed clothes for the baby. she looks for good deals and the little vampire costume was adorable, but it was like $20 for a one time use for us. Also got covered in poop before picture time, but we made it work.

Do I need to put an 8 month old in a costume for day care? Nope. Did that $20 make for some good pictures the whole family went nuts for? Yup.

I've been trimming fat elsewhere. If we skip one fancy restaurant trip a month, we can keep the kid in random fancy stuff for special occasions. His day-to-day is used, thrift store, big yard sales, gifts from family, or similar. So making a mountain out of this mole hill isn't worth it. We have saved some big equipment like a rocker, but sold a swing (bought used and sold used) since we didn't have the room to store forever. If we have another kid and need another one? we'll buy used.

I'm pro MMM and saving, but not at the expense of my relationships.

[mm1970]

I am going to say the opposite of Cassie.  Around age 3, my son started to wear out clothes.  He literally had no 3t or 4t pants without holes to hand down by the time he was done with them, so this problem may solve itself in a few years.  I'm a first child and have no problem with hand-me-downs.  I have a friend who is a second child and refuses to give any of his three children hand-me-downs.  He even bought each their own co-sleeper.  So there may be that dynamic at play as well.  I'd try to salvage big ticket items like jackets and dress clothes and let go of the rest

Yes this.  My boys are 6.5 years apart, so I don't save things.  But I have friends with boys and used to get a lot of hand me downs.  At age 4, the hand me down pants dried up completely, until about age 8.  Holes in everything.  Now I mostly buy them shorts.  And bonus, they are both skinny, so my 4 year old can still wear 2T shorts.

[LiveLean]

We have two boys. Between older neighbor kids and a nephew, along with gifts, I'm pretty sure we hadn't spent $500 on clothes total when they were 8 and 6. Why not wear hand-me-downs when everything is in near-mint shape, especially when it came from my spendthrift sister-in-law who only buys expensive brands for her kids?

Now that our guys are 13 and 11, they're a little more interested in clothes -- though not much. It's one area where parents of two boys probably save $20,000 easily over 18 years compared to having two girls.

[charis]

We have two boys. Between older neighbor kids and a nephew, along with gifts, I'm pretty sure we hadn't spent $500 on clothes total when they were 8 and 6. Why not wear hand-me-downs when everything is in near-mint shape, especially when it came from my spendthrift sister-in-law who only buys expensive brands for her kids?

Now that our guys are 13 and 11, they're a little more interested in clothes -- though not much. It's one area where parents of two boys probably save $20,000 easily over 18 years compared to having two girls.

What?  I have a boy and a girl and I can't begin to understand where this figure comes from.  Most of their clothes have been hand-me-downs, but I have definitely spent less on my older daughter's clothing.

[ender]

A very important piece to this equation is how much your wife is spending on clothes every year.

When I was younger, my mom bought us tons of clothes. We almost always had new clothing every year.

However, she worked part-time at Kohls, and between her discount, Kohl's insane coupons, and buying nearly exclusively clearance items we had new clothes at absurdly low prices.

This situation is a very different situation than if she had bought designer clothes at retail price in the same quantity.

[KBecks]

Agree with others who say that it depends on how much you have in your budget for clothes, and how tight things are for you.

For some moms, clothes shopping can be an addiction.  There are so many cute girls things.  Dressing up little girls is fun.  Perhaps a little of this is her entertainment.

I think you will do best if you don't micro manage this, but instead agree with her on an amount that is reasonable for clothes per year.  Perhaps she would get into Ebaying the older clothes if she wants more money to spend on new.

In my experience as a mom of 3 boys, I re-use a lot of things, but now they get some new things of their own, and they get new underwear/socks/shoes/boots, etc.  My boys are 12, 10 and 8.  If they start complaining about hand me downs then I will buy them new.  I expect to get them about 80% new when they are teens.  I'd say right now they get a mix of about half new and half hand me down for regular clothes, and some clothes don't make the cut to stay for another child, too worn out or just ugly.

Hope that helps.  Good luck!

[Kansas Terri]

My sister used to box up outgrown clothes, mark the size on it, and put it away for the next one. Shabby clothes she did not keep, but some clothes are like new when a child outgrows it.

It was an exciting day for the child when he was old enough to get into the box of clothes! It was like shopping but without the lines! (Kids hate lines)! My sister said it was always a fun time FOR THE CHILD when she got down the box!

Of course they went shopping anyways, as there were never as many clothes as the child would need!

[Cassie]

The teen years are when you will spend $ on  clothes as they want the latest fashions, etc. Don't waste all that $ when they are tiny.

[nessness]

We have two boys. Between older neighbor kids and a nephew, along with gifts, I'm pretty sure we hadn't spent $500 on clothes total when they were 8 and 6. Why not wear hand-me-downs when everything is in near-mint shape, especially when it came from my spendthrift sister-in-law who only buys expensive brands for her kids?

Now that our guys are 13 and 11, they're a little more interested in clothes -- though not much. It's one area where parents of two boys probably save $20,000 easily over 18 years compared to having two girls.

What?  I have a boy and a girl and I can't begin to understand where this figure comes from.  Most of their clothes have been hand-me-downs, but I have definitely spent less on my older daughter's clothing.

Yeah, that sounds crazy to me too. I budget $300/year for my daughter's clothing, and I expect to spend less on the second daughter (due in February) because of hand-me-downs. I know costs will go up some as they get older, but nowhere near enough to spend $20k MORE than if they were boys.  If they want designer clothes as teenagers, they can get jobs and pay for them.

Also, I heard on the radio that parents spend more raising boys than girls on average. I think the biggest factor was that boys are more likely to play expensive sports like hockey.

[galliver]

I think it's pretty clear from your post that you don't really understand why your wife is doing this. Personally I don't either; everyone I knew did hand me downs to some extent, including passing things to friends when their own kids outgrew them, as long as the clothes were still decent. But I think if you want to change her mind/solve the problem, you at least need to know what you're changing it about.

Are you low on (storage) space, so keeping extra things for a year makes it feel cluttered? Then coming up with a storage solution would help.

Does she associate all hand-me-downs with being "ragged" automatically (kind of like some people refuse to eat leftovers, wtf)? In that case, focusing on the merits of each item might help. I did like the point made that some of the items might have not worked out as expected; but that shouldn't be the case for *all* clothes going out...

Is she concerned about style/fashion of the clothes? This could be a concern that the kids will be made fun of for their clothes, but more likely a form of self-projection ("I am the type of person with kids that are dressed like this: ") Not sure what can affect this mindset. Perhaps looking back at how much kids fashions change in 1 year, especially with respect to basics (not a hell of a lot...)?

This might be purchasing driven; i.e. she enjoys buying the clothes and doesn't want to save hand-me-downs because then she doesn't get to. Could be justified as the ragged/fashion-conscious argument above but not the underlying cause... Also not sure how to change someone's mind on this. Might go hand in hand with the overall investment in an MMM/frugal lifestyle.

Final note: if you want to change how the children's clothes are handled, you might have to actually, physically get involved in the sorting process, because "backseat driving" on any task is a shortcut to aggravation. Example: I get annoyed very quickly when bf complains about how I stack/soak dishes in the sink(s), when I wash 95% of dishes (no dishwasher). It literally does not bother me at all when the sinks are full of dishes; it bothers me a lot more when the counters are full of dishes and we can't cook. So, while I do almost all of the work, I'll do it my way; if he did more of it, I'd be more amenable to his opinions. (Note: he handles 95% of trash so that's a pretty fair trade. And I don't tell him how to tie the bags.)

[Milizard]

Are you sure you're having more kids?  Are you sure there will be more girls?  I've got 2 boys 2.5 years apart.  Been trying to sell outgrown clothes/toys/gear at garage sales, but GS's a ton of work for little money.  Meanwhile, the cast offs accumulate quickly.  It was easy to keep track of the outgrown stuff after the first kid, but things just went nuts after #2 came along.  I've got a huge, unfinished basement for storage, but it's getting packed.  I now see the logic of just getting rid of most of it right away if you can afford to--for the sanity of it.

[LiveLean]

We have two boys. Between older neighbor kids and a nephew, along with gifts, I'm pretty sure we hadn't spent $500 on clothes total when they were 8 and 6. Why not wear hand-me-downs when everything is in near-mint shape, especially when it came from my spendthrift sister-in-law who only buys expensive brands for her kids?

Now that our guys are 13 and 11, they're a little more interested in clothes -- though not much. It's one area where parents of two boys probably save $20,000 easily over 18 years compared to having two girls.

What?  I have a boy and a girl and I can't begin to understand where this figure comes from.  Most of their clothes have been hand-me-downs, but I have definitely spent less on my older daughter's clothing.

My point was not that I would spend this much. Heck, I'm a 47-year-old dude and I know for sure I have not hit this in adult clothing spending for 29 years. But $20,000 for two girls from birth-to-18 years comes to $556 per girl, per year. I know many families who eclipse that threshold and then some.

[I'm a red panda]

Are you sure you're having more kids?  Are you sure there will be more girls? 

But they already have a second girl who isn't getting any hand-me downs.  Keeping clothes for a year isn't unreasonable.  Keeping them for indefinite is a bit more of a stretch.

[Milizard]

Are you sure you're having more kids?  Are you sure there will be more girls? 

But they already have a second girl who isn't getting any hand-me downs.  Keeping clothes for a year isn't unreasonable.  Keeping them for indefinite is a bit more of a stretch.

The OP's second post stated that many items are kept for the younger girl.  I guess my question would be what is the extent of this, and how many new items are actually purchased for the youngest.  I kept everything from my 1st to second, but still buy a few new items for the youngest.  I actually get them on super clearance much of the time.  The kids bodies are shaped a bit differently, and their clothing preferences are different.

[boarder42]

do you itemize?

Does she buy clothes at good deep discounts?

If so you may be coming out ahead donating.

[Chranstronaut]

It was an exciting day for the child when he was old enough to get into the box of clothes! It was like shopping but without the lines! (Kids hate lines)! My sister said it was always a fun time FOR THE CHILD when she got down the box!

This was my experience growing up poor as a younger sibling.  I coveted my older sister's clothes for YEARS waiting until I could fit into them.  My cousins would occasionally mail us a box of their old clothes - that was the best day of the year!
I still love hand-me-downs; they're just called "clothing swaps" now.


I wonder if OP's wife would be willing to buy second hand for the kids if budget/waste is a concern?  There are some very nice children's consignment shops if she's not interested in thrifting.  It could satisfy a shopping habit, and she could possibly earn credit for donating what the girls outgrow.

[MayDay]

He says grandma buys tons of clothes.

My experience with kids that age is that you end up with wayyyyyyy too many clothes if you have a clotheshorse grandma. And many of them are impractical. So if she is donating worn out clothes, plus weird stuff grandma gifted, that seems reasonable. And my guess is she's still saving plenty for handing down.

If she's saving a bin of each size, that's really enough, IMO, especially if grandma is going to also buy new.