Small home - coping with chaos and kids?

[Sunnysof]

Glad to find MMM and we are on our way to downsizing life, but one thing that is making me anxious about a much smaller home is how to cope when the adults need quiet or private space for sanity. Right now in our large, two storey home one parent can hide out in the basement office, but if we move into a smaller apt, the quietness won't be there even if it's a separate space (assuming you can keep the kids out)!
We are a pretty introverted couple, so need to tag team the childminding a lot to get the necessary quiet time. I guess I'm afraid I will resent it if DH has to resort to leaving the home entirely for long periods of time to go to the library, whereas now he is kind of within reaching distance.
Small home dwellers- how do you cope?

[mxt0133]

We are a family of 4 that live in a 650sf one bedroom apartment, children ages 3.5 and 1.5 years.  I am some what of an introvert and need some quiet time after along day at work or with the kids.  One way I cope is to set boundaries, once the boys are ready for bed and we finish reading books together and they are not yet tired or can't sleep.  I tell them as nicely as I can that it's late and if they can't sleep then they can play quietly.  Mom or dad can't talk right now because we have to do X, Y, Z.   It takes some time getting them used to it because at a young age they can't help themselves.   We also do not have a TV so it's not like we can just turn on cartoons as our babysitter.

[FIRE Realtor]

We live in a 2 br., 1 ba., 800 sq. ft house (one level, no basement) with our 3.5 yr. old and baby #2 due in Oct.  I've never felt that space has been an issue for us and we "tag team" childcare a lot on the weekends.  One of us always sleeps in and just shuts the bedroom door and turns on a fan.  We take turns running errands or going to the park or going to exercise (a gym membership with childcare is an excellent investment in the winter!) so the other person can have alone time. 

This was our first house though, and seemed so big to us when it was just the 2 of us, so we grew into it.  I think moving is hard in general, especially with kids, so it will probably be an adjustment for you to downsize.  Also depends on the age of kids - I can see us feeling cramped here when the kids are older (8 yrs. old or so?) and want to have their friends over, then I would love a larger separate space for them to play.  Even a partially finished basement would be suitable for this though!

[Christiana]

Four children in 900 square feet:  I would say that we make use of both space and time to get our breathing room:  my husband has a bedroom office, I sometimes lock myself into the only bathroom for a long bath, sometimes my husband takes all the children to the park, sometimes we get up much earlier than the children or stay up much later or even get up in the middle of the night for a while. 

But this is a house with a very kid-friendly fenced yard, so a lot of the time all the kids are playing outside.  (I think outdoor play space within a stone's throw of the front door is a need for children, not a want.)  When we were in an apartment, I actually built myself a tiny cubicle with a locking door within the living room while we were there...about 20 square feet.  A private space doesn't have to be large.  I've gotten good at tuning out kid noise when I'm not the adult on duty.

[zolotiyeruki]

Send 'em outside.  That's where kids belong when the weather's nice!

[justajane]

We have three kids in about 1,400 sq feet, so I guess it's not super small. But we struggle with finding quiet spaces. How insulated will your walls be? I would encourage you to find a home that is pretty sound proof if you can or find ways to make it more so. Also, as someone already suggested, noise makers (fans, sound spas) will be your friend. I can go in our bedroom and not hear a sound. Ear plugs don't hurt either. 

Another option is to take a small amount of sanity money to designate for someone else to go out to a coffee shop or bookstore where they can get some kid free time. Or alternately you could go to a library for free but it sounds like you don't want to do that.

Sadly, there's no magic bullet. I am an introvert and struggle greatly with noise pollution, but you find ways to cope, if only to remember that it is fleeting and some day they'll be teenagers and shut up in their rooms ignoring you. You might long for the noise then.

[sandyvanburen]

We are an introvert couple with a tiny house (80 sq. meters) and a baby and a dog. I'm a SAHM and my husband works 4 days a week.

When I need time to myself at night, after having taken care of the baby and dog all day, my husband is usually happy to take care of the family for a little bit. I'll bike to the library, read some magazines (for free!) and bike back in time for bath-time.

We bath our daughter together (one doing the prep work, getting clean clothes ready, heating up the evening bottle etc while the other does the actual bathing of the baby). We put her to bed together too. One of us will feed the bottle while the other reads the story. She usually goes to sleep without fussing and that's when quiet time for mom and dad begins!! Doing this chore together cuts the time it takes in half!! That way both of us can enjoy some quiet time in the evening!

In the weekend (which is 3 days for us), we take turns on getting time to ourselves. One of us will keep the family going while the other goes into our bedroom to read, nap or study (we're both in school still, parttime). When our daughter gets older, she will learn that mommy and daddy's bedroom is their own and is usually off limits.

Living in a small house, really forces us to think twice about buying new toys etc. too which actually helps.

When living in small quarters while needing time to oneself I find that both partners need to be fully on board with helping each other out when necessary.

Just last Sunday I took our daughter and dog out for a nice long walk so that my husband could enjoy a board game with 2 of his buddy's who happend to be over that day.
On Monday, he took our daughter and the dog out for some time while I studied and just before dinner I biked to the library to get some me-time. All this helps to keep us sane in a really teeny tiny house!

[Primm]

Send 'em outside.  That's where kids belong when the weather's nice!

Or when it's crappy. They won't shrink in the rain, skin is waterproof you know. :)

Obviously there are exceptions, like hail and cyclones...

[mudgestache]

You didn't give ages but when they are old enough...I taught my girls the phrase "bleeding or on fire". Don't panic...lol. I explained that there are times when I don't want to hear from them unless they (or someone else) is bleeding or on fire. It took at bit but now they have learned that when I tell them, it's bleeding or on fire time, they know not to disturb me. If they forget it's much easier to just respond to "Hey Mom." With "Bleeding or on fire dear?" :)

[KBlynx]

810 SF with 1 kid, 1 dog and 1 cat. Sometimes 2 kids! I like to lock myself in the bathroom at least once a day for a few minutes. It's like a mini vacation ;)

Seriously I'm a pretty hardcore introvert and I survive. It certainly forces you to keep your possessions from owning you. My SO is always keeping an eye on me as I try to throw things away that he "might want later". He never misses those items unless he catches me doing it.

[Bob W]

Play outside,  have a nice covered deck (the are cheap to build),  garages are dad's space -  children do not enter!  Master bedroom is parents space -- children do not enter.   Walks in the evening with the family are nice and very spacious.

Get rid of stuff.  If you have a storage shed or a storage area keep childrens game library there.  Keep their toys down to the minimum and if they check one out they need to return one.   They may do this twice a day on weekends and once on weekdays.   

Keep the home super neat with a minimum of furniture and paint the walls light colors.   

Set a strict bedtime of 8:30 so that you and spouse have 1.5 hours of quiet time per night.   Don't forget the "indoor voice" rule at all times.

Have a very set nightly schedule --  dinner at 6,  followed by playtime,  followed by homework and baths.     

We lived for 4 months in a 160 square foot RV with a 3 year old and 11 year old.   It was never a problem.  In fact we enjoyed it.   The shower/bath schedule was worked out.   It was in the dead of winter so outside play was difficult.    Since space was very limited we picked up and put away stuff immediately.   

[farmstache]

I'll try to remember this thread when baby is born in march. We currently live in a 35m2 (about 350sqf?) house, 1 bedroom, with a large, walled yard. 2 adults, a dog, and a belly. There's no snowy winter here, so that's a plus. Still we both need alone time during the day, so I'll be sure to come back for tips. :)

[Goldielocks]

If it helps, by the time your kids are 11 you will start planning how to lure them out to spend time with you!  Its a 180 switch in about 6 months.

[NumberJohnny5]

Had two kids in an RV once. To top it off, wife worked 12hr night shifts. One child was virtually a newborn (so she would wake and sleep all day/night), so sometimes I'd leave her with my wife. I'd take our son (and sometimes both children) out for the day. Zoo, space center (we were in Houston at the time), play at the mall, etc. If there had been a park nearby, that would have been perfect.

If you live in a house and have a yard, there you go. Now, a lot here frown on RVs, but if you can find a cheap RV/camper, and have space to park and hook it up, that could be a decent solution. One parent stays in the house with the kids, you go to the mini-house and take a break.

My wife tries to take them out for a long period sometime on the weekend. She also tries to do shopping then. She means well, but she's always so frazzled when she gets back, I can't fully enjoy the time alone. Sometimes I take the kids out to an attraction nearby (that we have an annual pass to), but even then I'm not gone more than a few hours. It's nice when they play at a playground for 30+ minutes, I get a break while they get some energy out.

[Cassie]

When my kids were at home ( 3 of them) our house had 2 stories.  I would rather have the noise above me then next to me. Our house was 1600 sq ft so just the right amount for us to be able to have privacy when needed.  Also they loved to have their friends over to play & I minded it much less if the noise was above me.

[Thegoblinchief]

3 kids in 730 sqft with a basement. Few issues as long as we keep things tidy. Honestly, our space is far bigger than what we need, even in the depths of winter. With fold up beds we could easily be fine in less than 500 sqft.

[soccerluvof4]

Square footage itself doesn't make the difference the layout does as well as how you organize things and your time.  I know plenty of people that have a ton of square footage who complain they have no time to themselves. We get up before our kids and have an hour or two to ourselves before they go to bed. 

[Miami Al]

As someone in a 4 BR/3 BA, nearly 3,000 sq. ft. under air, I will tell you that kids and their chaos are a gas, they expand to fill their surroundings.  If we have another family over, it's a battle to get the kids to play in another room from the adults chatting, they come in for attention.  Their toys fill the house if you let them.  My friends in apartments have the same issue, they just have less than half the housing nut that I do.

We bought the house before kids, now with 3 kids, I'm very certain that the biggish house was a mistake, especially since we do send the kids out to play and other abnormal parenting.  The housing nut crowds out a lot of other life decisions, it really is the most important thing to cut.

When I look at the expense of the two mortgages, utilities, etc., it comes out to $133/day to maintain the house, not counting repairs or the life energy sucked out with an endless to-do list.  When I think about how much that money could go towards financial independence, or paying for fun times, I feel a little ill with how much money goes just to housing.

We all learn in time. :)

[fidgiegirl]

Good headphones . . .

We used to live in a small house and just like Miami Al, sometimes I resent my bigger place.  It is beautiful, but filled with shit right now.  Argh.  Shouldn't have read this thread before bed!!

[Miami Al]

Pretty much filled with shit is correct.  We use it for entertaining, which is fun, but the house is just a cluttered mess and I can't fix it.  Always something to fix.

Doesn't matter than there are 10 rooms in the house, the kids want to be where the action is, where the adults are.

But, my frustration, we look at various cost savings, or what an activity costs for the day...  and even if we spent $250 on a weekend activity (which would be pretty extravagant), it's still LESS than I spent on housing that weekend... and that makes me ill.

We followed my in-laws advice (who got financially trapped in their starter town home), which was foolish, my far more successful parents were adamant we should get a starter home...  Our concern was prices were going up 20% per year, and you knew it was going to stop, but you didn't know when.  We figured if it crashed and we were in our "permanent" house we'd be alright, but if it crashed and we were in our starter home we'd be screwed.

But I would like to downsize to a 1200 Sq. Ft. Apartment...  I loved planting the garden around our house, but I never feel I have the time to finish the home projects, always something coming up...  Oh well.

When business boomed, my business partner moved into a bigger house, we paid off $50k in credit card debt I had from a business failure.  He told me I needed to look into getting a bigger house, I told him he was nuts, I'm staying right where I am.  As business cooled off, he's screwed, and we're still humming along, balance sheet improving every month, just not as fast as I'd like.

[zolotiyeruki]

As someone in a 4 BR/3 BA, nearly 3,000 sq. ft. under air, I will tell you that kids and their chaos are a gas, they expand to fill their surroundings.  If we have another family over, it's a battle to get the kids to play in another room from the adults chatting, they come in for attention.  Their toys fill the house if you let them.  My friends in apartments have the same issue, they just have less than half the housing nut that I do.

We bought the house before kids, now with 3 kids, I'm very certain that the biggish house was a mistake, especially since we do send the kids out to play and other abnormal parenting.  The housing nut crowds out a lot of other life decisions, it really is the most important thing to cut.

When I look at the expense of the two mortgages, utilities, etc., it comes out to $133/day to maintain the house, not counting repairs or the life energy sucked out with an endless to-do list.  When I think about how much that money could go towards financial independence, or paying for fun times, I feel a little ill with how much money goes just to housing.

We all learn in time. :)

I feel much the same way--we're in a 4 bed, 2.5 bath house that's almost 3500 sq ft, and the chaos is no less :)