Separation anxiety...when Mummy is about to go back to work

[shelivesthedream]

I have been a SAHP for the past ten months and due to various things in our life we're planning for me to go back to work in 6-8 weeks and for Mr SLTD to be a SAHP for a bit. Enter...separation anxiety. When I leave, BabySLTD gets totally hysterical. Not at bedtime or naptime because I guess he knows what the deal is with them (he might cry a bit but just pissed off, not hysterical), but if I go out and leave him with Mr SLTD or my parents (who he knows well) he just cries and cries and sounds utterly terrified. I'm still breastfeeding 3x/day (first thing and two snacks) so we'd also been talking about weaning him off that (maybe keeping the first thing one for a bit longer).

Me going back to work is going to happen. So we have six weeks to make this the kindest possible transition from Mummy SAHP to Daddy SAHP. I'm struggling to come up with a good plan. Can anyone help?

[cats]

My son (age 3) has had this to some degree or another since about age 6 months.  The other week I went out to a knitting group and he was having an hysterical meltdown like I was about to head off to a concentration camp.

According to my husband, he usually calms down after I really leave, though it sounds like there can also be protest if I am not there for some particular action (e.g. bedtime hugs).  Out of sight, out of mind, to some extent.  Same deal with daycare--he went through a phase of NOT wanting to be left but if I left him and then snuck back to spy through the door 5 mins later, he would almost always be playing happily.  My advice would be to be clear that you are leaving, and don't drag the good-bye out trying to calm the baby down (I fail at taking this advice frequently, but dragging things out does not really seem to lead to any improvements).

Our childcare center has a board with family pictures up and I have occasionally seen our son pointing to us on the board if I catch him unawares at pick-up time.  So that might also help to feel some reassurance that you still "exist" even if you aren't physically present.

[Hula Hoop]

I agree with cats.  I went back to work when my kids are 10 months and 9 months old.  Each time, it felt like a huge insurmountable thing but, actually, once I had disappeared my child was fine.  Maybe the first week or two you could leave your son with your husband for a few hours at a time when you go out on some errands?  Then he can gradually get used to spending time with your husband before they are together all day.

For breastfeeding, I had pretty much the same schedule when my kids were that age.  I ended up continuing to breastfeed after my kids were in daycare all day but I didn't do any pumping as I didn't feel that it was needed at that age.  I just breastfed early in the morning when the baby came into our bed and then again at bedtime as a way for the baby to wind down.  I suspect that your son will be fine if you drop the daytime feeding so long as you're not around.  Is he old enough for cow's milk?  If so, some cow's milk with lunch might be good.

[Laura33]

My one recommendation is to begin developing a predictable, unemotional bye-bye routine, followed by a similar welcome-home routine.  Maybe something like read a book together, and then mommy gives three kisses and waves bye-bye while daddy whisks junior off for a bath (or something else fun) -- a walk would be good, too, because it is easier to be the leave-er than the leave-ee, so if daddy and junior go for a walk when mommy leaves, you can all wave bye-bye and go do your thing.  IME separation anxiety is normal and completely heartrending at the time, but it is also something kids can and do adjust to, often more quickly than mom.  And the more predictable and unemotional you can make the routines, the more quickly the kids adjust.  Added bonus is that a routine like that is something you can start doing now, so by the time you start work, it is second nature.

I gotta say, my DD was the total drama queen; as much as she loved her daycare, she would cry and cling and sob like I was heading off to the gallows.  It broke my heart.  And then one day I said goodbye to my sobbing little remora, but instead of leaving, I hid outside the door.  I swear it was not even 30 seconds before the sobs completely stopped and she was more-than-happily playing with the other kids.  Meanwhile, when my mom (a/k/a the soft touch) dropped her off, DD continued the giant meltdowns and heart-rending sobs for-freaking-ever.  But it wasn't good for her, either; as traumatic as it was for my mom, it was worse for DD, who really got herself so worked up that it took her a long, long time to calm down.