Author Topic: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD  (Read 2921 times)

Northern gal

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Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« on: April 05, 2018, 05:34:10 PM »
First off, my family have been most generous and I donít want to sound entitled.

Hereís my dilemma:

Family (&some friends) have been most generous when our firstborn son was born - so much so that and I currently have about $5,000 of birthday gifts etc accruing away for him.

However, baby no 2, our daughter, has so far received ... $50.

Iím not sure why, I did write thank you notes to everyone the first time around so I hope itís not some offence caused. Could it be that people tend to make a bigger deal out of firstborns? I hope itís not a sexist thing :(

Anyway WWYD:

1. Treat the initial gifts as ďtowards the familyĒ rather than DS and earmark half of it for DD
2. Match DSí amount out of my own funds and never tell DD

Or something else?

FireHiker

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Re: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2018, 05:38:15 PM »
I would go with option 1.

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Re: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2018, 05:43:34 PM »
I'd say option one. Gifts for a first baby are usually to help the parents that said to take care of a baby. It's generally assumed that for your second baby you have most of the things that you need to take care of a baby

Northern gal

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Re: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2018, 06:03:11 PM »
I'd say option one. Gifts for a first baby are usually to help the parents that said to take care of a baby. It's generally assumed that for your second baby you have most of the things that you need to take care of a baby

You know what? This never occurred to me. I feel dumb now.

I bought most things for DS second hand or got them via buy nothing. So it honestly didnít occur to me that normal non-Mustachian people could possibly expect an outlay of that magnitude. I always assumed it would be the start of a fund for later (first car / house deposit / etc )
« Last Edit: April 05, 2018, 06:35:47 PM by Northern gal »

Psychstache

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Re: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2018, 06:18:07 PM »
Yeah, seems pretty normal. Generally it is assumed baby #2 gets to love the life of hand-me-downs.

Option 1 makes sense in that spirit.

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Re: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2018, 06:54:04 PM »
But if you did want to start future funds for them, a match is a decent thing to do.

It's hard for investments to ever be equal though.
My sister's kids were born before the recession and just after the market tanked. She started a fund for each with $10k stock purchase. Guess who has way more money now...  Buy low sure worked better for the later kiddos

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Re: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2018, 07:07:46 PM »
You'll never be able to be fully impartial to your children, certainly not in terms of monetary love. They will have difference needs, wants, and circumstances, both in and out of their control.

Just try to be fair and do the best you can.

Source: have many siblings.

Basenji

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Re: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« Reply #7 on: April 05, 2018, 07:16:18 PM »
I'm guilty of this as an aunt. First kid of BIL/SIL got some decent cash in a bank account. Second, third kids, not so much. I always figured I'd make it up to them later somehow. Or that the parents would even things up. Bad aunt, bad. Kinda like my baby album is a piece of art, with extensive notes on what I ate and accomplished from day 1 to year 3. My youngest brother's baby book was initiated by me (he was born when I was 11) because I realized my mother couldn't be bothered to put one together.

Ynari

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Re: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« Reply #8 on: April 05, 2018, 07:33:08 PM »
It's common, and benefit-of-the-doubt goes to firstborn status (like ioawjes said). However, do watch out - my grandparents are incredibly sexist to the point where my dad had to tell them they weren't allowed to get presents for my brother and not me or my sisters. My uncle is actively trying to fight the ingrained sexism (he's scatterbrained, and called feeling guilty when he realized he'd sent my brother a graduation check, but not me. I hadn't told family since I graduated off-cycle, I kinda feel bad now for not giving him the chance.)

Anyway, you didn't ask for this, but my dad was always great at fairness, including things like:
1. Using rules to dictate gifts: i.e. our allowance was tied to our age, there was a specific cap on birthday gifts for friends, etc.
1a. Use rules for activities - we could pick one weekly lesson (music, art, sport, whatever), so we had to prioritize, but nobody was given extra just because they wanted it.
2. Being aware of child psychology, and using it. My brother is 3 years older than me, so he had extra rules like "you can get more expensive toys, but you have to get the same QUANTITY of toys as your sister" since toddlers don't care how much something cost, just how much of it there is. So he got extra (since higher allowance due to age) but had to practice empathy and fairness.

So, yeah, option 1.

dcozad999

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Re: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« Reply #9 on: April 06, 2018, 11:48:41 AM »
#2 if you can.

If the money was specifically given for the child's future educational purposes, it should stay with that child. Now if they were giving the money to you for diapers/baby stuff/etc, there's no problem with splitting it between them.

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Re: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« Reply #10 on: April 06, 2018, 12:11:07 PM »
I'm guilty of this as an aunt. First kid of BIL/SIL got some decent cash in a bank account. Second, third kids, not so much. I always figured I'd make it up to them later somehow. Or that the parents would even things up. Bad aunt, bad. Kinda like my baby album is a piece of art, with extensive notes on what I ate and accomplished from day 1 to year 3. My youngest brother's baby book was initiated by me (he was born when I was 11) because I realized my mother couldn't be bothered to put one together.

This is why I didn't do a baby book for my first living child.  Because I distinctly remember forcing my Mom to sit down when I was about 12 and fill out my baby book. My sister's was totally full, and mine had my weight and length, and a small lock of hair.  (Mom of course has no memory of this- and when I showed her my baby book was mostly MY handwriting, she still disagrees that she didn't do them equally.)

So I let laziness win and just didn't do one at all.

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Re: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« Reply #11 on: April 06, 2018, 12:39:46 PM »
#2 if you can.

If the money was specifically given for the child's future educational purposes, it should stay with that child. Now if they were giving the money to you for diapers/baby stuff/etc, there's no problem with splitting it between them.

No no no no no... my godmother was always fair to me and my sister and gave gifts equally.  My sister's godmother would give her money every year, but I wouldn't get anything.  I still remember how that felt, even though my parents said they would make it up to me.  I haven't even thought about it since high school, and remembering it now still hurts a bit because I recall how deeply hurt I felt back then.  It made me feel like I didn't matter because I wasn't her goddaughter (and this is someone close to our family who wanted me to marry her son!).

You don't want to poison this money by tying it up with resentment when the kids are old enough to know about it.  Treat it as money "for the family", or if it's to be used for future education, for the education of all of your kids.
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TVRodriguez

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Re: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« Reply #12 on: April 06, 2018, 01:16:50 PM »
As a mom of three, I can tell you it gets worse with the third. 

As the youngest of four siblings, I can tell you that I never cared that my siblings received more from other aunts and uncles.

I practice #2 mostly--my kids' college funds have roughly equal amounts in them now and I have no recollection of who gave me how much for whom.

Northern gal

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Re: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« Reply #13 on: April 06, 2018, 11:00:57 PM »
#2 if you can.

If the money was specifically given for the child's future educational purposes, it should stay with that child. Now if they were giving the money to you for diapers/baby stuff/etc, there's no problem with splitting it between them.

I have no way of finding out the intention behind the gifts. I canít really call people and say ďhey  I noticed you didnít send any gifts for baby no 2, mind if I split your previous one?Ē There is no acceptable way to say this really

 
But if you did want to start future funds for them, a match is a decent thing to do.

It's hard for investments to ever be equal though.
My sister's kids were born before the recession and just after the market tanked. She started a fund for each with $10k stock purchase. Guess who has way more money now...  Buy low sure worked better for the later kiddos

Good point! Maybe I should have one fund and allocate percentages....
« Last Edit: April 06, 2018, 11:02:41 PM by Northern gal »

englishteacheralex

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Re: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« Reply #14 on: April 06, 2018, 11:36:13 PM »
We just have one account for kids future stuff and all the savings and gift money goes into that one pot. It's not earmarked for separate kids.
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Northern gal

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Re: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« Reply #15 on: April 07, 2018, 04:15:57 AM »
We just have one account for kids future stuff and all the savings and gift money goes into that one pot. It's not earmarked for separate kids.

I think thatís what Iím going to do. Thanks for everyoneís advice. I love this forum.

As a mom of three, I can tell you it gets worse with the third. 

Lol, I bet!

Dee18

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Re: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« Reply #16 on: April 07, 2018, 05:59:42 AM »
+1 Iowajes to being a second child with only the first page filled in of my baby book. LOL

KBecks

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Re: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« Reply #17 on: April 07, 2018, 06:18:31 AM »
I would contribute more to DD2's account until she was maybe at least half or 2/3 of DS1's account.  My three kids have accounts we've funded pretty equally but of course my first born has had more lifetime to accumulate.  Don't stress over it too much, just do your best.

MrThatsDifferent

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Re: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« Reply #18 on: April 07, 2018, 07:31:33 AM »
If you can afford to match, do that. If you donít have the money, split it. Simple.

Imma

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Re: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« Reply #19 on: April 07, 2018, 10:28:05 AM »
#2 if you can.

If the money was specifically given for the child's future educational purposes, it should stay with that child. Now if they were giving the money to you for diapers/baby stuff/etc, there's no problem with splitting it between them.

No no no no no... my godmother was always fair to me and my sister and gave gifts equally.  My sister's godmother would give her money every year, but I wouldn't get anything.  I still remember how that felt, even though my parents said they would make it up to me.  I haven't even thought about it since high school, and remembering it now still hurts a bit because I recall how deeply hurt I felt back then.  It made me feel like I didn't matter because I wasn't her goddaughter (and this is someone close to our family who wanted me to marry her son!).

You don't want to poison this money by tying it up with resentment when the kids are old enough to know about it.  Treat it as money "for the family", or if it's to be used for future education, for the education of all of your kids.

Agreed. The same thing happened to my and my sister, but my parents didn't intervene. "It's her choice to do with her money as she likes". No, it's not. It's their choice how they raise their children. Not some evil godmother. If someone behaves towards your children in a way that doesn't align with your own values, you stop them.

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Re: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« Reply #20 on: April 24, 2018, 04:55:01 PM »
I'm with iowajes. Unless these gifts were really specifically earmarked, they were probably for you to celebrate the advent of your first child and to help you transition to having children, rather than for the tiny human to eventually get in cash. It's not that most people can expect such a large boost (I'm sure most can't!) but it sounds like your family and friends wanted to be generous and were able to do so. At this point they've already given toward this project (you raising children), and it's nothing against your daughter.

Northern gal

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Re: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« Reply #21 on: April 30, 2018, 10:51:06 AM »
If you can afford to match, do that. If you donít have the money, split it. Simple.

By that logic, taken to its conclusion, I should really gift them their inheritance today. Thatís not what this post is about.
This is not about can but about should

I'm with iowajes. Unless these gifts were really specifically earmarked, they were probably for you to celebrate the advent of your first child and to help you transition to having children, rather than for the tiny human to eventually get in cash. It's not that most people can expect such a large boost (I'm sure most can't!) but it sounds like your family and friends wanted to be generous and were able to do so. At this point they've already given toward this project (you raising children), and it's nothing against your daughter.

You mean like going to get a massage after a day of toddler meltdowns? Maybe I will. Just to watch my inner mustachian squirm ;)
« Last Edit: April 30, 2018, 10:56:27 AM by Northern gal »

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Re: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« Reply #22 on: May 02, 2018, 12:57:34 PM »
Unfortunate but interesting dilemma. DW and I would probably go with option #2 and true both kids up as we are planning on being a backstop to any market losses for kid #1. 
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Re: Second child shafted in the gifts department -WWYD
« Reply #23 on: May 02, 2018, 01:41:30 PM »

You mean like going to get a massage after a day of toddler meltdowns? Maybe I will. Just to watch my inner mustachian squirm ;)

Money is fungible. People gave you money to help provide for your child. Whether you use their specific check to pay for your massage or the kids diapers, the kid will probably end up getting diapers anyway. 

Now if you abuse your kids by not providing for their basic needs, you are a dick for getting that massage. But if you use some money to meet their needs and then some, it was using the gift as intended.

I joked with my parents I would use their gift to upgrade my car. They said "if that means my granddaughter has a safer vehicle to ride to daycare in, go for it".  Pretty much any money spent here on out is for the benefit of the kiddo.  If I need to relax, a massage benefits my daughter because I'm not at wits end trying to deal with her, or my shoulders aren't hurting too much to pick her up.