Author Topic: Pros & cons of being an older parent?  (Read 15876 times)

maisymouser

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #50 on: April 09, 2020, 01:29:15 PM »
28 year old mom of a one year old chiming in... The sleep deprivation doesn't seem like it could have been any harder than it was, regardless of age. I suspect it would have been just as hard at a younger or older age.

As someone who is on the slightly younger end of the child-rearing spectrum, I do wish that I had taken more time for myself to do the things that I want to do now. But, on the other hand, I don't think that I would have appreciated them as much as I would now. I suppose it's kind of nice to have many child free years ahead of me still after my son grows up.

MrsPennyPincher

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #51 on: July 26, 2020, 05:52:27 PM »
I had the first kiddo at 27 and the second one at 40. So can look at it both ways
Pros of having one later:
  • financial stability 
  • was a smarter, calmer parent ( perhaps due to experience rather than the age)
Cons:
  • pregnancy was more difficult
  • will be over 60 when he graduates

I'm a red panda

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #52 on: July 27, 2020, 08:50:27 AM »
Pro: Financial Stability for sure.  My plan was to have kids at age 26 or so (married at 22). Instead, I had my first pregnancy at 34, and my first live birth at 36.  Daycare costs are insane, but we can afford it without giving up other things. My kids have been to multiple foreign countries by age 2.  We could have never done that sort of thing when we were 26.

Cons:
-Although mine wasn't technically age related, poor pregnancy outcomes are more likely to be higher with greater age. Having a stillbirth due to a pregnancy that was incompatible with life due to genetic anamolies was awful.  (But I've also met 22 year olds who have had the same.)
-I lack the patience and energy I had when I was 26. I'm tired.

maisymouser

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #53 on: July 28, 2020, 03:54:31 PM »
Pro: Financial Stability for sure.  My plan was to have kids at age 26 or so (married at 22). Instead, I had my first pregnancy at 34, and my first live birth at 36.  Daycare costs are insane, but we can afford it without giving up other things. My kids have been to multiple foreign countries by age 2.  We could have never done that sort of thing when we were 26.

Cons:
-Although mine wasn't technically age related, poor pregnancy outcomes are more likely to be higher with greater age. Having a stillbirth due to a pregnancy that was incompatible with life due to genetic anamolies was awful.  (But I've also met 22 year olds who have had the same.)
-I lack the patience and energy I had when I was 26. I'm tired.

I was 27 when I had my son, ~29 now. If things only go downhill from here in terms of energy... I'm effed. Oy vey.

Model96

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #54 on: July 28, 2020, 04:20:27 PM »
We had our kids in our 20s, and they were all grown up and independent by the time we FIREd.
Starting work and kiddies young helps you finish with work and kiddies young, and the lesser age gap is a lot of fun in terms of holidaying and partying with adult kids!

Jesstache

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #55 on: July 28, 2020, 05:49:26 PM »
There is a 15 year age gap between my husband and I.  My husband was 42 and 44 when our kids were born and I was 27 and 29.  My inlaws were older (for the time) when they had kids and my husband said his dad always said never to wait until he was old to have kids.  We have the only grandkids so my in-laws were 72 and 82 when they got their first grandchild and boy were they ready.  Kids are 7 and 9 now.

I'd say that me and my husband's energy levels are pretty on par but he's generally one of those youthful high energy kinds of people that only needs 6 hours of sleep.

Pros: Super financially stable.  We traveled a lot in the 4 years we were together before marriage/kids were in the picture and have also traveled a ton with them since they've been born.  My husband doesn't seem to have FOMO like some of our friends did where the father was much younger when they had kids. 

Cons: Grandparents being around.  My FIL was 87 when he passed away and I was 6 months pregnant with our son, his only grandson (our daughter was 2).  Staying with him on hospice and having him ask me how much longer until the baby arrives and seeing his face sink when he knew he wasn't going to survive long enough to meet the baby was the saddest moment of my life.  He would have loved him.  My MIL is 83 now and is doing pretty well but at this age you never know, things can change quickly.  She HATES (and we do too) that this pandemic is robbing her of time with her grandkids when time is of the essence.  My parents are 61 and will hopefully be around a long time.

As the younger parent I wouldn't have been ready to have kids any sooner so this is kind of a moot point for us.  Kids just weren't going to happen any sooner.  My husband says he would have had kids sooner but it took a long time for him to find the right wife :) 

malacca

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #56 on: August 03, 2020, 09:17:05 PM »
I had my second at 45. Wife is "younger."

The upside is I can dedicate so much more to raising my kids. And there are no money or other stresses in the family. Energy? Oh, I can run my kids into the ground.

Downside: If I don't groom myself well some people think I am his grandpa.

My buddy had his last at 62. His wife is "much younger."

Get this. When he applied for Social Security he found out his kids also get SS. Each kid gets 50% of what he gets (first two, then 25%). He has two so basically gets double SS. Unreal.

He is a full time dad. Mom is full time mom. So kids are doing very well.




SCUBAstache

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #57 on: September 14, 2020, 03:08:13 AM »
I had my first at 34, but husband was 52. Baby is 13 months now and we're talking about trying for #2 - and my old husband is even more eager than I am. He's one of those crazy energetic people that gets mistaken for 10 years younger.

Pros: Like some others have said, I did so much in my 20s and early 30s (travel, etc.) that I feel like I scratched the itch. I mean, I certainly miss it - but I know as the kid(s) get older there will hopefully me more chances to do some short solo adventures again. I think I'm much more patient than I would have been in my younger days. And frankly I just didn't want kids before I was maybe 31 or 32. My husband is a SAHD and has a retirement check from the Army. And I just learned from this thread he'll get extra social security in 10 years!

Cons: I obviously worry about my husband's age. Though he's active and mostly healthy now (aside from his Army injuries) you never know what could happen. But that goes for anyone at any age, I suppose. But if he were 20 years younger he'd still be working and not being an awesome stay at home Dad... so there's always a tradeoff.

Early months lack of sleep... I think that just sucks regardless.

verntc

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #58 on: September 23, 2020, 01:42:16 PM »
I had my first at 43 and now pregnant with my second at 45. My husband is late 30s so at least one of us still has energy (ha!).

I would say the the huge PRO is that you are already established in your career so you have a lot more stability. In our case we decided to retire last year because we were finding it very hard to balance work and child and had been saving for this just in case. I also find that since I had tried to get pregnant for so long, once I did I did not want tp take anything for granted and I am able to really immerse myself in being a parent and keeping my mind on the present moment. If I was younger and building my career was a major focus then I would be much more distracted around my son. This of course has gotten even better since we both quit. I would never have been able to do this in my 30s. It is a blessing.

The CON is obviously less energy and longer recovery and all the hardship that comes with an older body. During the first year after my son's birth I was always on the floor with him playing. It was so much harder on my joints. But eventually I got back into shape and am now ready (I think) for the second.

Knowing I will be an old mom makes me all the more motivated tp stay healthy.

savedough

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #59 on: September 24, 2020, 12:26:05 PM »
Pro:
-Financially Stable
-Mature enough to not sweat the small stuff
-Friends are dying to pass along their baby stuff/maternity clothes if they are done so most of it is free

Con:
-Feeling like the old mom at school events
-Peers may not have kids the same age so social events aren't always so fun for them
-If you want a lot of kids, you need to start sooner if you want any time between them.

I had my first at 29 and my last at 34 and I would have probably had more if I was younger (but then again my husband was done at three kids!)

Hula Hoop

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #60 on: September 26, 2020, 04:20:51 PM »
My kids are 12 and 8 now and the 12 year old has had a few freakouts about our ages.  When we had her we were 36 and 45 and when her sister was born we were 40 and 49.  I have a major health issue which may limit my longevity. 

Anyway, I really wasn't sure what to say to her, particularly about my husband's age, apart from "he's a great dad" and "there are really no guarantees with age and health".  I'm a bit nervous about what her younger sister may say when she's old enough to realize how ancient we are.

mrs sideways

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #61 on: September 29, 2020, 11:54:04 AM »
I had my first kid at 30. I honestly wish I'd started sooner. The sleep deprivation was a killer, and my kids woke me up during the night, every night, for years, and I got to drinking myself back to sleep just to get those few more hours of shuteye. I would have weathered it so much better if I had been younger.

Also, we stopped at two kids, in part because we were over 35 and worried about the genetic lottery, autism in particular. Maternal and paternal age both line up with autism risk, not to mention the risk of several other issues.

Missy B

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #62 on: October 13, 2020, 09:29:34 PM »
We have a lot of older parents (40+) in my extended family. Being the child of older parents is not considered a positive by any of those kids.
Two of them (uncle and aunt by marriage, so different parents) had their children in their early twenties on purpose and despite finances because their parents, who were in their forties when they had them, were always to tired to do anything with them.
This also meant their children got to know their grandparents before they died. Had they waited another 10-12 years, their youngest would have been barely old enough to remember either of his grandmothers; as it was, both his grandfathers had already died before he was out of infancy.
On the other side of the family, fertility issues and a substantial delay in conception meant my aunt, the youngest of her siblings, was 42 when she had her son. He has a relp with one grandparent who is still living. The others passed or were into dementia by his toddlerhood. He is also alone in his 'cousin' cohort, because everyone else of his generation (including the children had at 40 by another sibling) is at least 10 years older.

If you have your kids younger, you and everyone else in your family will have more time with them, especially time where you and your kids are both healthy adults. 

Captain FIRE

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #63 on: October 15, 2020, 12:08:31 PM »
I had my first at 29 and my last at 34 and I would have probably had more if I was younger (but then again my husband was done at three kids!)

Holy crap, I hope 29-34 isn't considered "older" normally.  That doesn't even get the "geriatric flag".  That's right when a lot of my friends had kids - mostly started at 30-35.  It probably depends on who you see for whether you think of yourself as old or not.  My state has a higher state average age for first time moms (also a higher proportion of women with college/advance degrees, which I understand is correlated with older moms).

AO1FireTo

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #64 on: October 15, 2020, 12:39:50 PM »
How do you find your energy level?  Are you sleeping okay?  How many kids and what age?
Just one so far, he just turned 2, but one more is the intention.

Sleep is fine, it was rough the first ~9 months but since then he's been basically sleeping through the night every night unless he's sick. We just have to make sure to not stay up too long after he goes to bed since he's up no later than 6am...

The biggest thing I'm feeling now is that work is taking up too much time (and energy to some extent, but mostly time) for me to really be able to do things with him except on weekends. Having kids has made me a lot more motivated to try to FIRE.

This is just like me.  I was 47 when my daughter was born, DW was 41.  No issues with energy but I do find myself conflicted between work priorities and time with the kid.  It definitely changes your mindset and sped up my desire to FIRE.  I want to spend time with her when she's young.

mrs sideways

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #65 on: October 15, 2020, 02:48:19 PM »
I had my first at 29 and my last at 34 and I would have probably had more if I was younger (but then again my husband was done at three kids!)

Holy crap, I hope 29-34 isn't considered "older" normally.  That doesn't even get the "geriatric flag".  That's right when a lot of my friends had kids - mostly started at 30-35.  It probably depends on who you see for whether you think of yourself as old or not.  My state has a higher state average age for first time moms (also a higher proportion of women with college/advance degrees, which I understand is correlated with older moms).

It isn't considered "old" now, but it sure used to be. Even in the 80s, when I was growing up, having a kid after 30 was unusual.

rockstache

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #66 on: October 15, 2020, 04:04:32 PM »
I was 37 when my first kid was born and I’ll be 39 for the second. So far my energy is the same or better than when I was in my 20s, probably because I take care of myself in ways I didn’t then. Our finances and marriage are solid and we were truly ready when we started trying. I wouldn’t change a thing.

OvertheRainbow

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #67 on: October 25, 2020, 02:22:12 PM »
This thread somewhat depressed me. I am 29 and my SO is 36. We plan on trying for a baby in Autumn 2021 (I am in grad school and will graduate in May 2022). We both want a minimum of 2 kids and are open to three. I was hoping to see more pros than cons for older parents, but I worry about my SO being in his forties with a toddler.

catlady

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #68 on: October 25, 2020, 03:09:16 PM »
I think the support network is a bigger factor than the age. We had our son 18m ago (I'm 33) and it's insanely hard. We have nobody to help us and we are both working and fastly burning out. Especially me because the bulk of the responsibilities and the decisions fall on me.

StarBright

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #69 on: October 25, 2020, 03:58:33 PM »
I think the support network is a bigger factor than the age. We had our son 18m ago (I'm 33) and it's insanely hard. We have nobody to help us and we are both working and fastly burning out. Especially me because the bulk of the responsibilities and the decisions fall on me.

^ I think this is a great point. We had zero support network until the last couple of years (kids are now 9 and 7). There was no break for at least 5 years. I went 4 years without being able to take a vacation day because it was all used on sick infants and toddlers. If the kids woke up 10 times a night (and they did) there was no one to help get us get a nap the next day - we worked a full day and just did it again the next night. I definitely went about 4 years getting no more than 4 hours of sleep a night while working full time.

We had ours at 30 and 32 and I have always said it was too old. But maybe it was just the situation we were in.

My brother and his wife had their first child at 36. My parents and her parents and a dozen aunts uncles and cousins live within 30 minutes. My brother recently told me I made parenting sound so hard but that they were finding it much easier than they expected. They will drop the baby at my parents and sleep for entire Saturday. My dad watches the baby a couple of afternoons a week so my SIL can get some "me" time. They are living a very different life with their young child than we did when ours were babies.

So clearly having a support network has made babies much easier for my (now) 37 year old brother. My brother and SIL are loving parenting so much that they are trying for another and hope to be pregnant by the end of the year.  He never wanted children until a few years ago. I, who always wanted several children, desperately wanted a third, but agonized for a year before I realized it would be horrible for my physical and mental health if we had a third.

Other things that would make it easier are enough money for a night nanny in those early days, vacation time, parental leave, being comfortable asking for help!!! , and basically just money to get the help that other people have family for.

So TL:DR - out of a sample set of two
1. babies at 30, no support network, middling pay (usually enough to cover daycare but no more) and crappy benefits (thanks '09 recession!) but great pay now, felt "too old", and
2. baby at 36, great support network, middling pay and decent benefits (paid leave) feel great and are trying for their second kid at 37.

oohh - I also realized that when I had my babies neither set of our parents was retired (so couldn't have travelled to help us if they wanted to), but my parents and SIL's dad are both retired so can help. Also probably a huge difference (and maybe something in favor of having kids later if you have parents who want to help).
« Last Edit: October 26, 2020, 01:28:11 PM by StarBright »

lhamo

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #70 on: October 25, 2020, 04:43:14 PM »
This thread somewhat depressed me. I am 29 and my SO is 36. We plan on trying for a baby in Autumn 2021 (I am in grad school and will graduate in May 2022). We both want a minimum of 2 kids and are open to three. I was hoping to see more pros than cons for older parents, but I worry about my SO being in his forties with a toddler.

Not necessarily a problem.  My SO is 10 years older than me.  We finished grad school in 1999 and had #1 in 2001, when I was 32 and SO was 43 (his b-day is in Feb, mine in October, baby born mid-year).  Had #2 early in 2005.  His age has never been a factor in how good a parent he is.  He actually is in better shape/more active than I am.

Second @StarBright 's comments about the key issue being how much support you have.  Also work flexibility can play a major role in how hard or easy you find parenting.  We were able to juggle leave for #1 for the first six months, along with some significant help from my family when DH went back to China to help his parents get their visas.  They then lived with us for about 6 months until we moved to China, and for about 2 months while we got settled in our new city there.  Then we had affordable childcare, along with some flexibility (we were setting up a new office for our organization that I managed).  I went PT for a year after #2 was born -- turned out to be a mistake careerwise, but it did give us more flexibility with our time.

We FIREd five years ago and all in all I think being able to be home/be more supportive of the kids when they are in their teens has been better for our family than having one of us SAH when they were little would have been.  Helped that childcare was affordable so we were able to save a lot.

Milizard

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #71 on: October 25, 2020, 09:03:02 PM »
I had my two when I was 37 and 40. I never meant to wait so long, but time flies when you're not in a hurry, and I'm so freaking glad I waited for Mr Right, and didn't reproduce with the doofus I dated in my 20's.  We managed to conceive naturally without too much trouble. My mother had me when she was 43, so I assumed I wouldn't have issues. My husband did have a slight issue, but it ended up that we didn't need any intervention.

Anyway: pros-- the aforementioned mr right is the father. It took me some maturity to recognize him. 
Financial security: there was no big stress about affording daycare or diapers. We had already bought a big enough house in a good, family-friendly neighborhood.  Some things I used to think we're important, I don't put that much of any longer. I'm thinking things like trying to live vicariously through my children, or pushing them into some sort of early success for my own bragging rights. I'm thinking stuff like "Your baby can read". Anyone remember that?

Cons: like everyone else says, lack of energy. Also, I used to hold on to the feelings I had as a kid. Like, I used to know how to play and generally relate to kids better. I'm afraid too much time has passed, and I've forgotten that Peter Pan-like attitude.  I've just been through too much shit now. I don't feel like I'm as close to my kids as a result.

Like others said, grandparents are gone/too old to be very hands on.  A lot of other family is also gone now--there isn't that much family left any more. I kinda wish I had made more replacement family, but it's too late now. 😉. (My partner was adamant about no more, but I may have been able to change his mind if I had had more time to convince him.)

Captain FIRE

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #72 on: October 26, 2020, 09:50:45 AM »
I'm thinking stuff like "Your baby can read". Anyone remember that?

I want my kid to learn to read so when we're all stuck inside due to the pandemic, he can entertain himself reading quietly while I recharge.  Not going to happen by then, but a gal can dream.

There is so much that goes into the "easy" or "hard" feeling of it:
- Your energy (often related to age, health, but even things like job satisfaction, money worries, and outside stress impacts it)
- Your partner's energy (age, health)
- Your support network (family, friends
- Your partner's leave of participation (particularly important for women, who still do the majority of childrearing tasks)
- Your children's personality (easy going?  or super active and energetic?)
- Your children's health (health, disabilities, even sleep patterns)
- Number and ages of kids
- Your job (supportive?  good benefits?  flexible?  positive place to work or dispiriting?)
- How much you enjoy playing with kids
etc.

Cassie

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #73 on: October 26, 2020, 01:16:16 PM »
I think support is huge and important. Because we were military we didn’t have it until we had the third and moved back to my hometown.  If one parent can stay home for at least the first year things are much easier. It’s pathetic that our country still doesn’t have decent parental leave with pay.  If you have a child with a illness or disability it will be tougher.  As someone mentioned many things factor in besides just parental age.

ice_beard

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #74 on: November 22, 2020, 11:08:40 PM »
Just had my first at 42, 14 weeks ago, so my experience is small thus far. 
 
Pros: Financial and career stability, appropriate level of maturity to raise a human being.   By the time I'm 50 I will hopefully be working part time and will be spending a lot of time with my son.

Cons:  None so far.  It helps that mom has turned out to be a rockstar mother and our baby is pretty chill.  This would be an entirely different experience if I was in my 20s, or even, gasp my teens.  I could not even imagine. 
Well, raising a baby during a pandemic has kinda sucked.  We've spent a lot of time at home.  Things could certainly be worse. 

clairebonk

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #75 on: January 25, 2021, 09:22:48 PM »
I had so much fun in my 20s. Went to grad school, trained for Ironmans, traveled all over the world sleeping on the floor, tried out different jobs, dated and met a lot of people. I don’t think I would trade having kids in my 20s for doing all that in my 40s. I am happy I had kids in my 30s and perhaps I will do some of those things again in my 50s but I don’t think it will be as fun. I will probably want to spend time with my adults kids and their blooming families. Very sad my parents are too old to meet their great grand children but life expectancy has grown so much, 100 years ago life expectancy was 20 years less than it is now. Because of modern medicine, grand parents can spend more time with grandkids despite having kids later in life.

Also I didn’t meet the right person until I was in my 30s. Not even close. I doubt I would have even had kids if I hadn’t meant the right person.

skp

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #76 on: January 26, 2021, 09:13:43 AM »
Not exactly a con-  Being mistaken for the child's grandparents at school functions. And at my sons wedding- my DIL's aunts asked if I was the grandparent and my other DIL the parent.

Nangirl17

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #77 on: January 31, 2021, 11:54:18 AM »
I can't comment on this personally (I had ds when I was 32, so I don't really fit properly in the 'old' or 'young' category), but I'm a midwife so I've seen hundreds of families make the transition...

Warning: vast generalizations to follow.

Younger women generally tolerate pregnancy and give birth more easily. The older you are, the more likely to have co-morbidities (hypertension, GDM, etc), so more complications.

It seems to me that younger mothers cope emotionally with miscarriage more easily.

IME, the young ones (under 25s) tend to adjust REALLY well to parenthood. My theory is that they haven't really settled into their own routine and "go with the flow" more easily. Plus the sleep deprivation doesn't tend to wipe them out the way it does those in their 40s. I see more anxiety in older mothers too.

On the other hand, the 40-somethings are often more financially stable, and can hire the help they need while being so exhausted (though I don't see this happening as often as I would recommend it, except in our Mennonite population, where EVERY mother gets a maid for the first 6 weeks).

If I had the experience I had now, I'd have had my ds 5 years earlier. Of course, that reasoning is circular. =)
 

familyandfarming

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #78 on: January 31, 2021, 01:21:55 PM »
Had our kids at 29, 34, & 36. (Husband was 31, 36, & 38.) I remember my doctor mentioning I had a "Geriatric Uterus" at 36. This was back in the days when all of my high school classmates were having kids in their early 20's. I went to a high school reunion and sat next to a classmate who had a 20 year old grandchild. I had a 20 year old child...

Our kids are now 33, 29, and 26. The 33 year old has 2 grandkids, ages 5 & 1. It's very obvious our other 2 will wait until their mid-30's to have kids. That will put us close to 70. We are very active now and plan on staying that way. We've been keenly aware that we need to watch everything about our health if we want to stay involved with our grandchildren.


StarBright

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #79 on: February 01, 2021, 08:32:03 AM »
I can't comment on this personally (I had ds when I was 32, so I don't really fit properly in the 'old' or 'young' category), but I'm a midwife so I've seen hundreds of families make the transition...

Warning: vast generalizations to follow.

Younger women generally tolerate pregnancy and give birth more easily. The older you are, the more likely to have co-morbidities (hypertension, GDM, etc), so more complications.

It seems to me that younger mothers cope emotionally with miscarriage more easily.

IME, the young ones (under 25s) tend to adjust REALLY well to parenthood. My theory is that they haven't really settled into their own routine and "go with the flow" more easily. Plus the sleep deprivation doesn't tend to wipe them out the way it does those in their 40s. I see more anxiety in older mothers too.

On the other hand, the 40-somethings are often more financially stable, and can hire the help they need while being so exhausted (though I don't see this happening as often as I would recommend it, except in our Mennonite population, where EVERY mother gets a maid for the first 6 weeks).

If I had the experience I had now, I'd have had my ds 5 years earlier. Of course, that reasoning is circular. =)
 

Yay Midwives! I went with a midwifery practice that had some sort of connection with a local hospital and I really loved the care I received. Thank you for doing such a cool job and offering that option to the world!

Cassie

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #80 on: February 01, 2021, 11:35:58 AM »
Nangirl, I bet you are right about your age generalizations. I had all 3 of mine by 25 and really didn’t understand all the complaints about being tired, having no help, needing husbands to take off work to help, etc. No one I knew had any of that.  Not that I don’t think husbands should share the work because I do.  I never really thought how hard it would be physically to be a older mom.

StarBright

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #81 on: February 01, 2021, 11:38:24 AM »
Just had my first at 42, 14 weeks ago, so my experience is small thus far. 
 
Pros: Financial and career stability, appropriate level of maturity to raise a human being.   By the time I'm 50 I will hopefully be working part time and will be spending a lot of time with my son.

Cons:  None so far.  It helps that mom has turned out to be a rockstar mother and our baby is pretty chill.  This would be an entirely different experience if I was in my 20s, or even, gasp my teens.  I could not even imagine. 
Well, raising a baby during a pandemic has kinda sucked.  We've spent a lot of time at home.  Things could certainly be worse.

I just saw this! Congrats on your baby and I hope Pandemic parenting is going well :)

Rhinodad

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #82 on: February 04, 2021, 10:29:40 AM »
I hit both ends of the spectrum. Had 4 kids young with my now ex-wife. Was 22, 24,25,27 when I had them. Got re-married at 36, and had our son at age 40.

A couple of things...I'm certainly not as physically capable as I was in my 20's/early 30's. I used to really be able to throw (could hit low 80's pitching, throw a football 55yds)...and now after surgeries to the shoulder...I can't...so my youngest son will never know that part of me, or who I once was. I could run pretty good...but age and a torn achilles...not so much. So that part is sort of sad to me...not the aging, as that's expected, but he won't ever know how capable his Dad once was.

I actually think I handled the sleep deprivation better the second time around. I always took my nights with the kids (we would switch off nights, so one of us could be fully functional the next day). That could be as I progressed in my career (chef), I did less of the physical work, could be as I got older, I didn't need as much sleep, or most likely it's because I was more stable in both life and career. I eat better, don't stay up late, don't get stressed out as much about things I can't control, etc.

I'm much more patient this time around. Trying to get to root causes of any issues (behavioral, sleep, school, etc.) than I was the first time around. I was much more reactionary and probably "old school" in discipline (never spanked, but grounded, perhaps yelled, etc).

Certainly, have more disposable income (well, $1 would be more than I had with the first 4), so can do more "stuff"...but that can build up expectations with our son (he thinks he should fly first class:) Being more established in my career has also allowed me to be more involved with his school, coaching, building projects(tree fort), etc.

lilybluerose

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #83 on: February 05, 2021, 09:02:33 AM »
I'm very thankful for this post as it is something I have been thinking about a lot! I had my first at 27 and my second at 32. Part of me would love another but have worries because I am now 33 and my husband will be 40 this year. Definitely lots of pros and cons as their are with everything.

As for being almost 34 and 40 with a 6 and 18month old, I'd say we are doing very well! It also seems alot of the parents around us are close in the same age group as well. We've been quarantined since covid started pretty much with zero help and are still doing great. It's still concerning to think of our younger children if we have more, growing up with such elderly parents, but my husband is very enthusiastic and says I'm sure they will be thankful to be alive! Lol

Hula Hoop

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #84 on: February 10, 2021, 01:42:52 PM »
I can't comment on this personally (I had ds when I was 32, so I don't really fit properly in the 'old' or 'young' category), but I'm a midwife so I've seen hundreds of families make the transition...

Warning: vast generalizations to follow.

Younger women generally tolerate pregnancy and give birth more easily. The older you are, the more likely to have co-morbidities (hypertension, GDM, etc), so more complications.

It seems to me that younger mothers cope emotionally with miscarriage more easily.

IME, the young ones (under 25s) tend to adjust REALLY well to parenthood. My theory is that they haven't really settled into their own routine and "go with the flow" more easily. Plus the sleep deprivation doesn't tend to wipe them out the way it does those in their 40s. I see more anxiety in older mothers too.

On the other hand, the 40-somethings are often more financially stable, and can hire the help they need while being so exhausted (though I don't see this happening as often as I would recommend it, except in our Mennonite population, where EVERY mother gets a maid for the first 6 weeks).

If I had the experience I had now, I'd have had my ds 5 years earlier. Of course, that reasoning is circular. =)
 

I had my kids at 36 and 40 (husband was 45 and 49) and the whole experience was much harder for me with kid #2.  But I think a lot of that had to do with having a very serious illness which affected my pregnancy with #2.  Weirdly enough, DH is a fantastic dad despite his age.  He has a lot of fun with the kids but that's probably more to with the fact that he loves kids.

At any rate, I'm extremely happy that I waited to have kids.  I had an amazing time in my 20s and early 30s being free to do whatever I wanted to do.  I lived in several countries, tried various jobs, was in lots of relationships with men who would not have made good dads or husbands (but they were lots of fun and great boyfriends) and just generally got to be free to do whatever.  My husband spent many years traveling full time and had all kinds of adventures before we met.  We feel that we got a lot of stuff out of our systems and were truly ready to settle down and devote ourselves to parenthood when we had our kids.

rockstache

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #85 on: February 10, 2021, 02:50:21 PM »

At any rate, I'm extremely happy that I waited to have kids.  I had an amazing time in my 20s and early 30s being free to do whatever I wanted to do.  I lived in several countries, tried various jobs, was in lots of relationships with men who would not have made good dads or husbands (but they were lots of fun and great boyfriends) and just generally got to be free to do whatever.  My husband spent many years traveling full time and had all kinds of adventures before we met.  We feel that we got a lot of stuff out of our systems and were truly ready to settle down and devote ourselves to parenthood when we had our kids.

I know I already posted my support for having kids later (not that it doesn't have its cons), but THIS! All of this. I had a great couple of decades without kids (both prior to and then with my husband), and now we seem to be having a whole new kind of fun life with kiddo (and kid on the way). Finances have been on track for a while, so we have options that we wouldn't have had in our 20s, and it's great. I wouldn't change a thing about having waited to have kids.