Pressure of sole income earning dad

[BOP Mustache]

My wife and I decided before our kids came along that she’d be a stay at home parent and I’d be the sole income earner.

We’ve had to tighten our budget and accept a smaller house in a less desirable area but overall we don’t long for anything more material or safety or health wise.

However, as the sole income earner I feel a lot of pressure to continue earning in the manufacturing/logistics management career I’m in. It pays enough for us to break even on expenses and save in our retirement accounts 5-10k a year. I work a lot and don’t see my wife and kids as much as I’d like and my hobbies and fitness pursuits have gone out the window. I wouldn’t change having my two kids for the world I love to play and read them stories and give them food and baths any spare time I have but I feel pressure to provide for my family even though I’d love a less time consuming and stressful job so my health wouldn’t be on the decline so much.

Any advice or thoughts? Talking to my father and father n law they both did the same, wife and family before themselves and just a sacrifice one has to make, but surely there’s a better way. I don’t want to be 50 wake up one day and my body is shot. I’d love to do endurance events (marathons, triathlon, ocean swimming, gym work) like I once did.

[former player]

Does your wife know how you feel about this?  Does she know that you are feeling pressured by being the sole earner?  Does she know that you are worried about your health?  Does she know you would like to spend more time with her and your kids?  Does she know that you miss having the time and energy for your triathlon hobby?

If not, then start talking to her.  Perhaps not lay all of that on her at once but bit by bit.  And start gaming out strategies for making it happen, which may be about the kids being in school and her able to get a job.

Also, make sure you don't have any more kids.  Two is plenty.  Do whatever you need to not to have a third.

[Michael in ABQ]

I'm in a similar situation, sole income for our household and we decided long ago that my wife would be the stay at home mom.

Things improved a couple of years ago when I left a more stressful corporate job for one with the federal government. My 50-hour weeks with all too frequent evenings and weekends either at the office or working from home became a steady 40 hours a week. I've brought my work laptop home maybe 5 times with this new job whereas in my old job it came home every day. My wife was pushing me for a long time to consider a different career but I had invested a lot into that one including working towards a professional designation that would have meant a promotion and raise.

In my case we have six kids and I also have a second career as an officer in the Army National Guard. So that's a weekend a month gone plus 2-4 weeks a year for additional training or schools. I'd like to have hobbies but there's really no time between work and family. My fitness time is usually getting in an early morning run on the weekends before the kids wake up. Or getting the older kids up to ride their bikes alongside while I run. Now that they're older they can do some exercises with me and they think it's great to try and do push-ups with me, or for the younger ones, sit on my back while I do push-ups.

We accepted early on that we would have a lower standard of living on one income, especially with lots of kids. For a long time we were barely able to save until my career advanced to the point I was making a good income. Now we're finally making pretty good progress on saving but we still have 20-year old vehicles, rent our house, and don't spend a whole lot on things outside of basic necessities and education.

My next step is to buy an online business that will provide us with an income to support our family (higher than I have now) along with the flexibility to work from home and spend more time with my kids. This will require us to save for a down payment and take on some risk with borrowing money for it - but we think it's worth it.


I would look at two things. 1. Can you change your job to something that will give you more time at home? Even if it does mean looking at a different industry. 2. Try to incorporate your kids into some of those things like fitness or hobbies. I remember holding tools or a flashlight for my dad while he worked on old cars or did some project in the garage. Kids love that kind of stuff. It may not work for all hobbies but there's plenty of things you can do that fill both those desires of spending time with your family but also doing something that you enjoy personally.

[Freedomin5]

Have you talked to your wife about how you feel? It is incredibly stressful to be the sole provider. Essentially, you are putting all your eggs in one basket. If that basket breaks (you burn out or lose your job), you’re kind of screwed unless you’ve built up alternative income streams. It’s one of the reasons we chose to be a 1.5-career family (I worked part-time) while DD was young even though we didn’t really need the extra money.

[Morning Glory]

I am a woman and the sole provider in my household. Yes, it is stressful but I think it would be even more stressful to be totally dependent on someone else for support. That would be putting all your eggs in one basket too, but one that you have a lot less control over.

 I need more information to be able to make any helpful suggestions.

How long is your commute? Any options besides driving?

 What is your workday like (start and end times, lunch break, how many days per week, etc)?

 Is there a gym close to work that you could use on your lunch break?

What times do you wake up, go to bed, etc? Can you get up a bit earlier and go for a run?

Anything you can cut from the budget to reduce your work hours?

How much do you like/hate your job, and could those things be fixed by going part time or switching companies or even departments?

How much FU money do you have?

Do you have some vacation time you can use to take a break?

[Luz]

Is your wife planning to return to work when the kids are older?
Have you posted a case study to this forum? It might help you find the wiggle room to have more flexibility in your career.

[Paul der Krake]

Options are:
1) earn more
2) spend less
3) minimize expectations
4) optimize for more free time

Easier said than done, but them the choices.

Case study would help figure out which of the above four dials to act upon.

[Hula Hoop]

I'm also the sole earner now that my husband is unemployed. It sounds like you're under a ton of pressure and don't get to spend as much time with your kids as you'd like.  From my point of view the only solution would be for your wife to go back to paid work, at least part time.  How old are your kids?  Would they be able to go to pre-school or school while your wife works?

[Watchmaker]

Specifics would be helpful here.

How much do you spend, and what do you spend it on?

[BOP Mustache]

Does your wife know how you feel about this?  Does she know that you are feeling pressured by being the sole earner?  Does she know that you are worried about your health?  Does she know you would like to spend more time with her and your kids?  Does she know that you miss having the time and energy for your triathlon hobby?

If not, then start talking to her.  Perhaps not lay all of that on her at once but bit by bit.  And start gaming out strategies for making it happen, which may be about the kids being in school and her able to get a job.

Also, make sure you don't have any more kids.  Two is plenty.  Do whatever you need to not to have a third.

Hi,

Yes wife is fully across it. We have discussed her going back to work in some shape or form but daycare costs and the extra stress of it all doesn’t seem like a good payoff. We discuss things like this in depth and are both very open and honest about everything. For example I showed her this before I posted it and have shown her the replies also.

She misses her corporate identity and feeling similar thoughts like can this be it, all there is for the next several years until both turn 5 and go to public school.

Definitely will stop at two! Two and through is our motto.

We have come up with solutions such as investing further in property and renovating and on selling “flipping” for extra income as we have one rental already. Anything less stressful work wise then adds more financial pressure so feel a bit no win scenario at the moment.

[draco44]

Yes wife is fully across it. We have discussed her going back to work in some shape or form but daycare costs and the extra stress of it all doesn’t seem like a good payoff. We discuss things like this in depth and are both very open and honest about everything. For example I showed her this before I posted it and have shown her the replies also.

She misses her corporate identity and feeling similar thoughts like can this be it, all there is for the next several years until both turn 5 and go to public school.

That's great to hear that you've discussed the situation with your wife and seem to be on the same page. I'm also getting the sense from the quote above that once your kids are in school, your wife would be interested in working at least part time. If that's the case, then the retirement savings pressure you mentioned in your original post should be reduced.

Your wife may also want to consider looking into work-from-home ways to earn some additional income now, such as selling things on Ebay or doing online tutoring. Things she can fit around caring for the kids. Doing something in this vein even a few hours a week could help with the "loss of identity" and autonomy issue you touch on for her, and bring in a bit of extra cash too, which would in turn likely ease the pressure on you. Just be sure to avoid MLM schemes at all costs.

[BOP Mustache]

I'm in a similar situation, sole income for our household and we decided long ago that my wife would be the stay at home mom.

Things improved a couple of years ago when I left a more stressful corporate job for one with the federal government. My 50-hour weeks with all too frequent evenings and weekends either at the office or working from home became a steady 40 hours a week. I've brought my work laptop home maybe 5 times with this new job whereas in my old job it came home every day. My wife was pushing me for a long time to consider a different career but I had invested a lot into that one including working towards a professional designation that would have meant a promotion and raise.

In my case we have six kids and I also have a second career as an officer in the Army National Guard. So that's a weekend a month gone plus 2-4 weeks a year for additional training or schools. I'd like to have hobbies but there's really no time between work and family. My fitness time is usually getting in an early morning run on the weekends before the kids wake up. Or getting the older kids up to ride their bikes alongside while I run. Now that they're older they can do some exercises with me and they think it's great to try and do push-ups with me, or for the younger ones, sit on my back while I do push-ups.

We accepted early on that we would have a lower standard of living on one income, especially with lots of kids. For a long time we were barely able to save until my career advanced to the point I was making a good income. Now we're finally making pretty good progress on saving but we still have 20-year old vehicles, rent our house, and don't spend a whole lot on things outside of basic necessities and education.

My next step is to buy an online business that will provide us with an income to support our family (higher than I have now) along with the flexibility to work from home and spend more time with my kids. This will require us to save for a down payment and take on some risk with borrowing money for it - but we think it's worth it.


I would look at two things. 1. Can you change your job to something that will give you more time at home? Even if it does mean looking at a different industry. 2. Try to incorporate your kids into some of those things like fitness or hobbies. I remember holding tools or a flashlight for my dad while he worked on old cars or did some project in the garage. Kids love that kind of stuff. It may not work for all hobbies but there's plenty of things you can do that fill both those desires of spending time with your family but also doing something that you enjoy personally.

Wow 6 kids good one you sounds full on.

Did you switch careers entirely? How did you manage with the decision of taking such a pay cut?

[BOP Mustache]

I am a woman and the sole provider in my household. Yes, it is stressful but I think it would be even more stressful to be totally dependent on someone else for support. That would be putting all your eggs in one basket too, but one that you have a lot less control over.

 I need more information to be able to make any helpful suggestions.

How long is your commute? Any options besides driving?

 What is your workday like (start and end times, lunch break, how many days per week, etc)?

 Is there a gym close to work that you could use on your lunch break?

What times do you wake up, go to bed, etc? Can you get up a bit earlier and go for a run?

Anything you can cut from the budget to reduce your work hours?

How much do you like/hate your job, and could those things be fixed by going part time or switching companies or even departments?

How much FU money do you have?

Do you have some vacation time you can use to take a break?

Have a company vechile and commute is 12 mins one way. We decided to live close to where I work.

It’s seasonal in the fruit industry for 6-7 months its 60-70 hour six day weeks. The other 5 include 45-50 hour weeks and compulsory month shit down over Xmas period. Take lunch breaks whenever I can normally eat it in 15 mins then back to it. Start 7am finish anywhere between 5.30-8pm depends on time of year.

We have a basic gym set up in our garage. I get into it sporadically but then work gets busy and I’m too exhausted to do it after helping wife clean, do washing etc.

Wake up at 5.45am and go to bed around 9pm.

We have been tracking our spending for 3 years every dollar and feel our budget is down to if we went any lower our quality of life would diminish (ie eating rubbish processed cheaper food, skimping on health or living in cold house by not turning heating on, etc).

I don’t mind my job, wouldn’t say I hate it at all, just the time commitment. Have toured with switching departments or companies but would mean a pay cut. Not out of the question will definitely consider it.

We have 40k FU money (almost a year expenses). This is for replacement family car, any medical major bills and any house repairs. 

Yes have 3 weeks built up of vacation time, my 2IC is quite incompetent so hesitant to the state I’d return to but he is being performance managed currently.

[BOP Mustache]

Is your wife planning to return to work when the kids are older?
Have you posted a case study to this forum? It might help you find the wiggle room to have more flexibility in your career.

Yes I’m some shape or form when they go to public school in 3&4 years time. No I haven’t will put one together thanks for the prompt

[Michael in ABQ]

I'm in a similar situation, sole income for our household and we decided long ago that my wife would be the stay at home mom.

Things improved a couple of years ago when I left a more stressful corporate job for one with the federal government. My 50-hour weeks with all too frequent evenings and weekends either at the office or working from home became a steady 40 hours a week. I've brought my work laptop home maybe 5 times with this new job whereas in my old job it came home every day. My wife was pushing me for a long time to consider a different career but I had invested a lot into that one including working towards a professional designation that would have meant a promotion and raise.

In my case we have six kids and I also have a second career as an officer in the Army National Guard. So that's a weekend a month gone plus 2-4 weeks a year for additional training or schools. I'd like to have hobbies but there's really no time between work and family. My fitness time is usually getting in an early morning run on the weekends before the kids wake up. Or getting the older kids up to ride their bikes alongside while I run. Now that they're older they can do some exercises with me and they think it's great to try and do push-ups with me, or for the younger ones, sit on my back while I do push-ups.

We accepted early on that we would have a lower standard of living on one income, especially with lots of kids. For a long time we were barely able to save until my career advanced to the point I was making a good income. Now we're finally making pretty good progress on saving but we still have 20-year old vehicles, rent our house, and don't spend a whole lot on things outside of basic necessities and education.

My next step is to buy an online business that will provide us with an income to support our family (higher than I have now) along with the flexibility to work from home and spend more time with my kids. This will require us to save for a down payment and take on some risk with borrowing money for it - but we think it's worth it.


I would look at two things. 1. Can you change your job to something that will give you more time at home? Even if it does mean looking at a different industry. 2. Try to incorporate your kids into some of those things like fitness or hobbies. I remember holding tools or a flashlight for my dad while he worked on old cars or did some project in the garage. Kids love that kind of stuff. It may not work for all hobbies but there's plenty of things you can do that fill both those desires of spending time with your family but also doing something that you enjoy personally.

Wow 6 kids good one you sounds full on.

Did you switch careers entirely? How did you manage with the decision of taking such a pay cut?

I was a commercial real estate appraiser and was in that career for about a decade. I now work for the federal government in a real estate related role - though I was promoted a little over a year after starting into more of middle management role. It was about the same pay and actually with the 120 hours of paid military leave plus annual leave, sick leave, and vacation days worked out better. I had a second job offer at the time working for a bank and the base pay was actually a bit higher but no paid military leave and I knew it would be more than 40 hours a week. Before when I was on 100% commission I had to finish all of my work before I left for two weeks of Annual Training with the National Guard as unpaid leave. Then I'd have to start over again when I got back. Holidays were meaningless because if I didn't work I didn't get paid. It might just mean the office was closed and I would show up in shorts and a t-shirt instead of business casual and maybe leave an hour earlier (I would still take off major holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving). 

I'm not sure I could have made the switch if I'd had to take a pay cut. However, I also knew that I would be a valuable contribution to an employer and that I shouldn't sell myself short by expecting to take a pay cut just for moving to a different industry. It didn't hurt that the economy was booming and I have a security clearance already which helped with the federal job.

[Cassie]

Until all 3 kids were in school it didn’t pay to work with daycare costs. I think you just need to wait it out. I was glad to go back to work.

[Luz]

Is your wife planning to return to work when the kids are older?
Have you posted a case study to this forum? It might help you find the wiggle room to have more flexibility in your career.

Yes I’m some shape or form when they go to public school in 3&4 years time. No I haven’t will put one together thanks for the prompt

So I read your post about your job a year ago and saw the salary you earned then. We live on less than half of that (in the same industry only just above entry level) while still buying healthy food, using our AC to comfort, and taking care of our health. I think you have a ton more options than you're seeing right now. Lay out your stats in a case study and we'll help you out. It's not worth the slog!

[Captain FIRE]

How old are your kids?  From what I’ve been told, it’s hard to maintain hobbies while they are young. I certainly haven’t managed much extra. (Kids: 3 & 2 mo).

But yes, incorporate kids into your workout. Pop them into a stroller and run for example.

And your wife can work part-time when they are in school.

[Morning Glory]

I went back to your old posts too. Your job is terrible:60-70 hour weeks just aren't sustainable for anyone. No wonder it is affecting your health. What does your hourly rate work out to? That is not normal and you shouldn't put up with it. If you haven't done so, read Your Money or Your Life.

 I take it you are the manager, which means you can delegate some of your responsibilities to give yourself a more reasonable work day. Work on trusting and developing members of your team so you don't have to be there all the time. At least take your full lunch break and get away for a walk.

The other thing I noticed is that your wife used to make more than you. What drove the decision for her to be the SAHP? What kind of hours did she put in to get that salary? If she could make in 35 hours what you make in 70 then it is probably worth it to switch. Or you could each do something 20 hours, etc.

I don't know prices in New Zealand (or wages) well enough to comment on what is a reasonable budget.

[economista]

I’m also the main income earner and my husband is a SAHP. Is there any way to cut your expenses so you can save more on a monthly basis? For me, each time I move money from our checking to our savings account it takes a little bit of the stress off. Seeing the savings balance increase shows me that we are closer to being ok if I quit or lost my job and it definitely reduces the stress associated with being the income earner. At first we thought we were going to just squeak by each month and our only savings would be pre-tax retirement contributions, but month after month we are able to save after tax as well - its amazing where you can cut expenses when you really dig into them.

[Sanitary Stache]

I am now a sole income earner.  DW recently left her job, which, with 3 kids in daycare, was a financial loss for us. So I am actually feeling less pressure to earn.  But before when I was earning the lions share of money needed for day care and for living expenses and for trying save it was a terrible pressure to stay in a job that was bad for me.

We have found with monthly budgeting together we can adjust to reduced income pretty effortlessly.  I also found that my family is on the Benefit's Cliff, where as we dropped income slightly we started qualifying for more valuable food, health insurance, and child care benefits than my slightly higher income could provide.

I will also echo that a case study would be useful for optimizing or fresh ideas on how to reduce costs.  And I am currently recommending both Your Money and Your Life and Radical Homemakers for books to help adjust your perspective on the need to earn money.

[mm1970]

I was basically going to say what Paul said.

What it comes down to is...you are in the trenches with YOUNG kids.  It does get better.  You can't really make it better right now without big changes.  It sucks and it's gonna continue to suck.

Any advice or thoughts? Talking to my father and father n law they both did the same, wife and family before themselves and just a sacrifice one has to make, but surely there’s a better way. I don’t want to be 50 wake up one day and my body is shot. I’d love to do endurance events (marathons, triathlon, ocean swimming, gym work) like I once did.

Is there a reason why you expect your body to be shot by 50?  Are you in a very physical job?  (My BIL was physically wrecked by 50, working in manufacturing for mobile homes.)  Or is it just aging and not exercising?

I ask because I'm almost 50.  And my husband is 51.  Our kids are 14 and 7 (we were late to the kid game).  Our bodies aren't shot.  Sure, now, at almost 50 I'm finding that half marathons are a bit too hard on my body compared to even 2 years ago.  I'm still running though.  I've been running/ swimming/ weightlifting regularly for awhile now.  After watching me lift in our living room for a few months, my husband finally started.


I can't speak for your life compared to your parents.  I grew up with mostly a SAHM and a working dad (till age 12).  Yes, it can be pressure on the dad, but it ain't a picnic for the mom either.  I WILL say that overall, family life is far less hectic that way.  When mom went back to work it got much much harder for everyone.

Also, I would suggest cutting your work hours.  It is SUPER hard to do this in the face of everything.  I've been there, and I've done it.  So has my husband.  It depends on the job, but honestly, people will get used to it.  I've sometimes just come in a bit later each day.  It's harder, but when my kids were small I left at 4:30 pm every day, and everyone knew it.  But they also knew if shit broke on Sunday, that I'd be the only one willing to come in to fix it.  Eventually people get used to it and don't care.  Start with 15 minutes.  Or, use your lunch break - really USE it to go for a walk, a run, or to meditate.  Whatever.

If you are a solid performer, you've got more leeway.

[duyen]

I am a sole earner too and I agree with you about the pressure. It is good you are thinking about this problem. It went unrecognized for me for several years. We were spending normally and saving only a tiny bit. I always thought we were frugal but now I realize I can optimize it a lot. Think of below

- Second income is very important. Think of ways your wife can go back to work. See if the grandparents can help with childcare
- You can also try working on weekends on a second job like driving uber
- Don't be shy to cut off expenses drastically and live really poor and direct the savings to investments
- Rent will be your biggest expense. Try to live in as smallest place as you can. If you own a home then try renting one of the rooms

[9patch]

I'm the sole income earner too. It's tough. I would say to push back on your job to make sure you're only working 40 hours a week. Pre-pandemic, I would build a lot of fitness into my work life (playing volleyball after work, Ultimate at lunch, etc). Now, in pandemic life, it's harder. I try to take walk breaks but don't succeed too often, because I'm just doing so much at home. Good luck!

[debittogether]

I am the sole earner (I am female) and I support my husband and our infant son.  However due to COVID here in the US I am working from home half time now so I do get to see my son quite a bit.  I am happy about that!

I will say one thing regarding fitness--I love working out and I wish I could work out more.  I don't know if you have an additional $19 to spare, but I do my workouts at home through streetparking.com.  It is $19 a month and while you can really do quite a bit with it if you've got more equipment (I have a lot of equipment) when I started all I had were some weights and a jump rope.  The workouts are FAST, you are done in under half an hour.  You go hard.  After I'm done with my daily workout I stay on my feet a while to keep the heart rate high.  While I'd love to work out longer this is all I can reasonably do on a weekday.  I do my workouts either right before my son's bedtime, or right after I put him down.

On the weekends I challenge myself to work out longer more like 40-60 minutes each day.  Not continuously usually, but maybe 2 workouts totaling that.

They designed the program to be good for people who like functional fitness or the Crossfit style of working out, but don't want to actually join Crossfit.  In fact we visited my parents last week, all I brought was a sandbag, and I worked out every day of our trip using their workouts still.

I get absolutely nothing for promoting it, I just think it is an excellent workout plan for a good price for busy parents.  It keeps me challenged and programs workouts in ways I wouldn't think to.

[MissPeach]

I'm in the same boat but also a single parent so I can totally understand. I mostly try to find jobs where I can keep to 40 hours and have a lot of flexibility.

As for your situation OP, could you re-discuss this with your spouse for ideas? Like having her work once the kids are in school or something so you can save more towards FIRE?

As for workouts if you are into working out I recommend checking out the podcast MindPump. They are all personal trainers who have managed gyms (one if a former weightlifting competitor too) and are very knowledgeable. I have a friend I recommended them to who is loving their programs which all have included a home workout option now. At the very least it gives you a lot of feedback on what gives results for the time. Mike Matthews and his blog called Legion is also a great place to get information on what's effective for the time put in.