Author Topic: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?  (Read 3988 times)

kahryn

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Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« on: February 01, 2020, 06:50:34 AM »
My husband and I just welcomed our first son, and won the baby lottery of easy pregnancy, easy delivery and perfectly healthy and happy baby who sleeps pretty well. My husband wants badly to stop here. He is awesome with our son and is excited to spend time with him and play with him as he grows and starts picking up sports. I always pictured at least a couple kids in the mix, but find myself swayed by the picture my husband paints of a calm, close family life with bandwidth for us to preserve our individual interests and plan for early retirement.

The baby frazzled me more than I expected so Iím tempted. But I donít want to deprive him of the opportunity for sibling companionship although I know itís not guaranteed. My husband is an only and my relationship with my sister is complicated. Itís not likely our son will have cousins so that seems like another reason to give him a sibling. Plus, our lifestyle is already dramatically altered so I feel like it would be worth the special hell of the toddler-plus-baby years in order to get that feeling of completion I think I would have with two.

Still, the logistics scare me: only two bedrooms, no family in town, two 50+ hour work weeks ... I know we could make one child happy and preserve some sanity in the short term. But will we regret not expanding our family in the long run, even if it delays our retirement and stalls my career? What if the next one is not nearly as easy as my son and it strains our marriage and my mental health? That terrifies me. But so does the idea that we might never have the chance to find out.

Whoís been here?

Laserjet3051

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #1 on: February 01, 2020, 06:58:22 AM »
Is there a need to make a firm decision now? How about you just wait and see how parenting goes for a while and your thinking will surely evolve. Make no mistake, it is certainly a big decision as to whether or not one should have a(n) additional/child. After my second child was born, I felt very strongly about having a 3rd, but within 2 years, I decided to stop at 2 kids due to a variety of changing circumstances. As I look back at that decision I made 12 years ago, I wonder if it was the best/right one? In my case, I think so.


Cranky

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #2 on: February 01, 2020, 07:05:50 AM »
See how you feel in a couple of years?

daverobev

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #3 on: February 01, 2020, 08:00:04 AM »
Environmentally - yes.

If either of you are strong introverts - I'd say lean to yes.

However. The interaction between - assuming not too far apart - is lovely. From what I've heard it can go either way - people find the first hard and the second easy, or people find the first easy and the second so so much harder.

There is definitely a difference between a two parent, one child house vs more children - with two you never get any peace because if one is quiet the other isn't. If one is sick, the other will be just as the first gets better. Everything overlaps, and it just ties up your life WAY more.

It does avoid the issue of wrapping one in cotton wool, though.

As an only child - I'd say it's probably better to have two, if you can cope with it.

There is definitely a feeling of... ah yes #2 is just getting into *this* sticky phase, great.

Life gets easier once school starts IMHO.

smella

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #4 on: February 01, 2020, 08:40:34 AM »
I couldnít even *think* about another until my toddler was toilet trained and we bought our forever home.   Now Iím due in a month- toddler will be 3.5 when baby is born.

Toddlers are way, way harder than babies... so please wait to decide! 😜

scrunchythief

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #5 on: February 01, 2020, 01:46:55 PM »
I couldnít even *think* about another until my toddler was toilet trained and we bought our forever home.   Now Iím due in a month- toddler will be 3.5 when baby is born.

Toddlers are way, way harder than babies... so please wait to decide! 😜

I strongly second this!  We started getting a bit more sleep after our daughter turned one, but taking care of her was so much more work.

Personally, even though I never had a great relationship with my brother, I really wish we could give my daughter a sibling, but that pregnancy was too dangerous to risk again.  We may consider fostering/adopting once we have enough bedrooms, but we'll just have to see. 

rockstache

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #6 on: February 01, 2020, 02:34:11 PM »
My husband and I just welcomed our first son, and won the baby lottery of easy pregnancy, easy delivery and perfectly healthy and happy baby who sleeps pretty well. My husband wants badly to stop here. He is awesome with our son and is excited to spend time with him and play with him as he grows and starts picking up sports. I always pictured at least a couple kids in the mix, but find myself swayed by the picture my husband paints of a calm, close family life with bandwidth for us to preserve our individual interests and plan for early retirement.

The baby frazzled me more than I expected so Iím tempted. But I donít want to deprive him of the opportunity for sibling companionship although I know itís not guaranteed. My husband is an only and my relationship with my sister is complicated. Itís not likely our son will have cousins so that seems like another reason to give him a sibling. Plus, our lifestyle is already dramatically altered so I feel like it would be worth the special hell of the toddler-plus-baby years in order to get that feeling of completion I think I would have with two.

Still, the logistics scare me: only two bedrooms, no family in town, two 50+ hour work weeks ... I know we could make one child happy and preserve some sanity in the short term. But will we regret not expanding our family in the long run, even if it delays our retirement and stalls my career? What if the next one is not nearly as easy as my son and it strains our marriage and my mental health? That terrifies me. But so does the idea that we might never have the chance to find out.

Whoís been here?
Me. Iím there now, except the baby frazzled me LESS than I expected so I fear that I might get cocky and go for #2. Not sure how old you are but Iím late 30s so I donít have a lot of time to decide (if any). How old is your baby? Mine just turned one. I think if I could wait until sheís potty trained that might help, but I just might not have that kind of time.

FireLane

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #7 on: February 01, 2020, 02:48:27 PM »
My wife and I had this same conversation.

Our son is good-tempered (as toddlers go) and was a good sleeper (as babies go). Even so, the infant years were hard on both of us. The sleepless nights were awful, he needed constant attention during the waking hours, and going anywhere outside the house required heroic levels of planning and logistics.

Now he's 3, and he sleeps through the night (usually), he plays independently (for short periods), and he goes to preschool during the day, so we have our home to ourselves again. Once we finish potty training, we'll be able to think about long-distance travel. I feel like I can see the return of our independence on the horizon.

Having another kid would mean starting over from scratch, and I'm just not sure I want to do that. From what we've heard, the most difficult transition is going from one kid to two - more difficult than going from zero kids to one!

We're happy with the way things are, and while we haven't ruled anything out, neither of us feel a strong desire to have more kids right now. The one thing that gives me pause is the possibility we'll regret not having a bigger family when we're older, but there's no way to know the future. It's just as possible that we could have two kids and have our marriage collapse from the stress.

But I agree, if you've just had your first, give it time and see how you're feeling in a year or two. You've got plenty of time to make a decision.

RFAAOATB

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #8 on: February 01, 2020, 11:34:18 PM »
Plane tickets, restaurants, daycare, sports and camp fees, and college tuition for children isnít something I can imagine paying twice for at the same level of ease as once.  By the time Iím financially and mentally ready for kid 2, kid 1 will probably be college aged.

I think early retirement plans may have to go on the back burner if you want a second.  Iíd consider moving close to grandparents for help if you can.

daverobev

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #9 on: February 02, 2020, 02:45:03 AM »
From what we've heard, the most difficult transition is going from one kid to two - more difficult than going from zero kids to one!

I don't think I'd agree with that, at least not for us. It depends on the children of course, and the age difference - I can see having a second less than two years after the first would be harder than ~3 years apart.

It also depends on the parents. I'm a lot more hands off, so they tend to leave me alone and play together.. but with my wife they want her attention all the time.

former player

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #10 on: February 02, 2020, 04:07:20 AM »
Two 50+ hour workweeks will not survive two children unless you have heroic/expensive levels of help and basically only see the kids sleeping during the week.

La Bibliotecaria Feroz

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #11 on: February 02, 2020, 02:33:13 PM »
It's so individual. I got pregnant by accident while my first husband and I were still arguing over whether to stop at one, so I have two right back to back. (Baby was literally barely 8 months old when I found out I was pregnant again.) But I always wanted AT LEAST two.

Worth noting that my first marriage did not survive the child rearing years, but there are many, many reasons for that!

I wouldn't have been happy as a mom of one but one of my dearest friends from high school was one and done. Their kid is about 10/11 now and they seem like they have so much fun and are so close as a family of three.

My current husband used to have his niece, who is an only child, and her mom living with him and his first wife. He really noticed the difference between an only child, who required a lot of adult interaction, versus my boys who are always busy with each other and don't usually need an adult to "play with me." But I think that also varies by child.

It's a tough decision! Good luck with it!

shelivesthedream

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #12 on: February 02, 2020, 03:20:39 PM »
How old is your baby and is there actually a time limit on deciding? Really? You say you "just welcomed" your first son. Don't even think about making any decisions until he's one. Sure, toy with the idea and bat it around between you, but the first year is so full of changes that you're unlikely to feel the same way month-to-month. I vowed ToddlerSLTD would be an only child when he was really little because the newborn phase killed me, then I just didn't get a lot out of having a *baby* baby. Then we hit the toddler lottery, I guess, and now I'm less than a month out from giving birth to #2!

Mr SLTD wonders about even more, but I am firmly not making any decisions or even thinking about making any decisions until #2 is at least one. Even though late pregnancy sucks so much I can't imagine ever doing this again! I would recommend making a date to revisit the issue when your son is one so you can safely shelve it til then. You don't have to have them really close together even if you do decide you want two, unless you're specifically aiming for that. You can wait one.... two... three years... even until the first is in school!

The concern I would have is two 50+ hour workweeks. How are you even seeing your first one awake ever? When does your husband imagine he's going to spend time playing sports (if your son even cares about sports)? I suspect something is going to snap here at some point even with one "perfect" baby.

Lucky13

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #13 on: February 02, 2020, 09:15:28 PM »
Having siblings close in age can be wonderful, but like everything else, there are pros & cons. For example, having a built-in playmate at home may give a child less incentive to socialize with other kids their age, from their neighborhood and/or school. I wouldn't have another child just so your oldest doesn't feel lonely, especially if your husband wants to stop at one. But if *you* want another child that's a different story.
« Last Edit: February 02, 2020, 09:17:53 PM by Lucky13 »

Cranky

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #14 on: February 03, 2020, 07:22:06 AM »
Going from 0 to 1 was a HUGE change for us - we'd been married for 7 years by then, and she was a hard baby and an extremely energetic toddler.

4 years later, her baby sister arrived and it was like she had always been there. She was an easy going baby who liked to sleep, and her big sister was thrilled to have her.

4 years after that, third girl arrived, and by then - eh, no big deal! I was out of hands, though, and it's true that many things are designed for a family of 4.

I think any number works that makes you happy, but I waited each time until I really, truly craved another baby.

fasteddie911

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #15 on: February 05, 2020, 11:48:05 AM »
We're in a similar situation.  We're considering an only but taking the wait and see approach, we're in the baby stage and I don't think now is the right time to decide.  But right now though things feel just right with baby and our dog.  Maybe the urge and desire will hit us later, maybe not.  Certainly plenty of stereotypes and misconceptions out there regarding only children and siblings, I've seen it all myself and don't believe things one way or another.  Plenty of what-ifs and unknowns.  We'll have another for ourselves and when we want to, nothing more.  Finances, family help, work life, etc. all are relevant factors.

Psychstache

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #16 on: February 05, 2020, 01:01:09 PM »
My husband wants badly to stop here.

If you would like to stay married, having a 2nd child with someone who emphatically doesn't want one seems like a bad plan.

That said, unless there is a specific reason to rush I would punt any conversations about #2 until a later date.

kiwi

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #17 on: February 05, 2020, 07:27:25 PM »
Everyone's circumstances will be different. But...as someone past child-bearing age, I really regret only having 2. Two was all that was possible because of how late we started. But it's amazing how many of my friends, also now past child-bearing age with either 1 or 2 kids, have the same regret.

This is not "life sucks" type of regret, but it's a niggling, constant thing. The hassles of the early years are minor, when you consider your whole life span.

Consider taking a look at this book - "Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids: Why Being a Great Parent is Less Work and More Fun Than You Think".

Cassie

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #18 on: February 07, 2020, 05:13:24 PM »
I think spacing our  kids really helped. My first was 4 when the second arrived and was 7 when the third came. I found the first kid to be the biggest adjustment.

Gay BurqueŮo Dad

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #19 on: February 12, 2020, 01:06:51 PM »
Two 50+ hour workweeks will not survive two children unless you have heroic/expensive levels of help and basically only see the kids sleeping during the week.

Although I think @former player didn't say this in a very compassionate way, I more or less agree with this sentiment. Unless you have the means (family or money) to get a lot of help, and are OK with using that much help, a decision likely needs to be made between your current work hours and having a bigger family. It would be incredibly stressful to continue those work hours with 2 kids. Having 2 kids is substantially harder than 1.
-The logistics are challenging. There are multiple life stages when the kids go to different schools, which means either staggered schedules to see the kids off to walk/bike/bus to school and welcome them home from walking/biking/bussing, or dropping them off yourselves at two separate places.
-The regularity with which they get you sick is more or less doubled.
-The regularity of nighttime wakeups / not going to bed on time / getting up way too early is more or less doubled.
-There are twice the dishes, twice the lunches to pack (until they pack their own), etc.
-Yes, they play with each other sometimes, but they also hit each other and scream at each other.

My husband and I work 36 and 40 hours per week respectively, with 2 kids 4 and 6 years old, and it is rough. We have regular family help. I can't imagine how our home would be happy if we both worked 50+ hour weeks.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2020, 01:10:12 PM by Gay BurqueŮo Dad »

brandon1827

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #20 on: February 12, 2020, 01:42:27 PM »
As others have mentioned, it's a very specialized and individual choice you have to make. Years ago my wife and I knew we'd have 2 kids...we were as certain of that fact as we were anything else in our lives. We had our son and he was perfect. Slept great, never fussed much, was always happy and content. As time went by we found ourselves loving the dynamic that we created in our family and not really getting an overwhelming urge to start trying again. When our son was 5, we started talking to him about what his thoughts were on having a brother or sister. Even at that young age, he was adamantly opposed, and didn't want "to share us" with another baby. After that discussion we decided to put it off a little longer and bring up the subject with him again...and again he did not want a sibling. By that point, with as happy as we all were and knowing our son didn't want a sibling, the decision to stop at 1 was the right one for us. He's 10 years old now and still to this day loves being an only child. He's very social and has lots of friends and cousins close by. One side-effect of being an only child is that he's a bit more mature than most kids his age. For that reason he tends to gravitate toward kids a couple of years older than him. Our family dynamic is still very good, we're all happy, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that only having one was the right choice for us. I went through the worry about what happens when we're gone and not having anyone else...but gods willing he will be grown with a family of his own before that becomes an issue. I know most people want to have them close together if they decided to have multiples...and I think that makes sense...but if you have time to wait and see what your first child has to say on the matter...it may help inform what you ultimately decide to do.

blingwrx

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #21 on: February 14, 2020, 07:11:56 PM »
We contemplated sticking with one but we were both had siblings and felt it was right to have at least 2. 2nd pregnancy didn't go as well as we hoped, a bit of a scare with an emergency c section, but in the end things turned out fine, a lot harder recovery. I think a 3rd kid is out of the question after that experience.

My SIL has only 1 and I can see her life is a lot more free for her to do personal things, but I also feel her daughter is lonely, she always asks us to come over so she can play with her cousin. I see this in a few friends who only have 1 kid. The only child does get a bit lonely and needs a lot more adult interaction. Where as if they had a sibling they would bother you a bit less. Me and my brother basically grew up playing with each other, our parents were mostly busy working so we didn't bother them as much.

Having two can be very tough in the beginning, you need to learn to multi task well. There's no tag teaming with an even ratio, it's all hands on deck. Forget about personal time and you going out for a drink with friends while the other stays home to watch 2 kids. Over time it does get better for some people. You probably will learn to watch 2 on your own but not everyone is able to. I have friends who can barely watch 1 kid let alone 2. Putting 2 kids down for a nap and bedtime is tough on your own.

I also think the age gap can make a big difference, we had 2 under 2, while the smaller age gap is better in the long run as they get older they could play with each other and share in activities, it's tougher in the short run. A 2 year old gets jealous and has terrible tantrums at 2, all while you're dealing with an infant. It might have been easier if we waited until the oldest was at least 3 so he can communicate with us and he'd be a bit more independent by then. But with the oldest being only 20 months when we had are 2nd baby it was hard to know what the toddler wanted. Now my kids are 3 and 1 and things are a lot smoother, but the initial year was tough.

2 bed rooms is a non issue. I grew up in a 2 bedroom sharing with my sibling and we currently live in a 2 bedroom with 2 kids, the older one sleeps with us. The younger one we trained to sleep in his own room so he doesn't get woken up by his energetic toddler brother. In the future when they're both older we'll put them together to share a room.

I also wouldn't make any decisions based on money either unless you're in poverty and can barely put food on the table. 2nd kid doesn't cost a whole lot more since you can hand down most things, we hardly buy anything new for the 2nd kid. The biggest cost would be child care, but that's for a limited time.

I agree with everyone else working 2 50+hr a week jobs with 2 kids is a bad idea, someone needs to cut back or you may need a full time nanny if you don't have help from family. I see it with some friends I have they're stressed to the max. Racing between work and daycare each morning and evening with little sleep, by the time they both get home from work and put dinner on the table it's time for bed for the kids and back to doing it all over again in the morning and pray your kids slept decently during the night. That leaves you with just weekends and most of that will be used to run errands, shopping and take care of other things. I wouldn't have the extra kids if long hours at work was non negotiable.



shelivesthedream

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #22 on: February 15, 2020, 04:25:28 AM »
Forget about personal time and you going out for a drink with friends while the other stays home to watch 2 kids. Over time it does get better for some people. You probably will learn to watch 2 on your own but not everyone is able to. I have friends who can barely watch 1 kid let alone 2. Putting 2 kids down for a nap and bedtime is tough on your own.

I don't disagree that it's tough but... wow, really? SAHPs all over the world watch multiple very young children all alone all day all the time. Plus working parents when they're not at work. Obviously children in general cramp your style a bit, especially when they're young, but I can't imagine my husband telling me I couldn't go out because he couldn't watch, say, a two-year-old and four-year-old on his own for a few hours. A baby and a toddler, absolutely, but that's just the way the first year goes, I think, regardless of other children in the mix or not.

(Disclaimer: haven't quite given birth to #2 yet.)

Cassie

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #23 on: February 15, 2020, 01:20:57 PM »
She, I totally agree. We had 3 and my husband could watch them when I was gone. A friend of mine had 6 and same for her husband. We also used to exchange babysitting so then each of us would have all 9.

trollwithamustache

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #24 on: February 15, 2020, 01:46:32 PM »
Nothing wrong with being an only child, there are a whole bunch of us who think we grew up fine.

ysette9

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #25 on: February 15, 2020, 02:23:43 PM »
Three is still a bit much since our youngest is only five months, but going out or staying in with two is a breeze now if we are geologist about the older ones (5.5 and 2.5). I just got back from several hours at the park with my girls and it was great.

blingwrx

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #26 on: February 15, 2020, 09:12:00 PM »
Forget about personal time and you going out for a drink with friends while the other stays home to watch 2 kids. Over time it does get better for some people. You probably will learn to watch 2 on your own but not everyone is able to. I have friends who can barely watch 1 kid let alone 2. Putting 2 kids down for a nap and bedtime is tough on your own.

I don't disagree that it's tough but... wow, really? SAHPs all over the world watch multiple very young children all alone all day all the time. Plus working parents when they're not at work. Obviously children in general cramp your style a bit, especially when they're young, but I can't imagine my husband telling me I couldn't go out because he couldn't watch, say, a two-year-old and four-year-old on his own for a few hours. A baby and a toddler, absolutely, but that's just the way the first year goes, I think, regardless of other children in the mix or not.

(Disclaimer: haven't quite given birth to #2 yet.)

Sorry, I think you misunderstood what I was saying and maybe my wording was a bit extreme. I was mostly referring to the beginning being tough for some people to juggle 2 but as you mentioned itís not always the case. Itís a learning curve the 1st year and a lot harder watching a premie and 2 yr old vs a 2 and 4yr old. Infants need a lot of attention in the beginning while youíre also trying to juggle a terrible two toddler with jealousy issues. I think after the first year it gets easier as you have the schedules down to a science, but I still do hear complaints from friends and some relatives about how their SO canít watch two, or how they canít go out at night for a drink with the guys because the wife canít put 2 kids to sleep themselves. It all depends on the person. Some parents donít exactly split the work 50/50 so the one who hasnít watched the kids as much may struggle with some tasks and the kids may prefer one parent to the other.

ysette9

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #27 on: February 15, 2020, 09:41:46 PM »
That is fair. And the first time you do anything it is ridiculously hard and by the dozenth time it is a breeze.

I used to struggle so much with one, and then with two, and now with three. Two now is so easy compared to three and one is a vacation (except for the constant talking). I expect eventually three will become manageable.

Except for the part where my husband has the babyís bedtime at the time the girls are getting out of the bath. No idea how one person is supposed to do that one.

Cassie

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #28 on: February 16, 2020, 10:37:23 AM »
I think if you only want one child there isnít a thing wrong with that. Do what feels right for your family. Yes kids play together but they also fight.

ender

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #29 on: February 16, 2020, 11:52:06 AM »
Forget about personal time and you going out for a drink with friends while the other stays home to watch 2 kids. Over time it does get better for some people. You probably will learn to watch 2 on your own but not everyone is able to. I have friends who can barely watch 1 kid let alone 2. Putting 2 kids down for a nap and bedtime is tough on your own.

I don't disagree that it's tough but... wow, really? SAHPs all over the world watch multiple very young children all alone all day all the time. Plus working parents when they're not at work. Obviously children in general cramp your style a bit, especially when they're young, but I can't imagine my husband telling me I couldn't go out because he couldn't watch, say, a two-year-old and four-year-old on his own for a few hours. A baby and a toddler, absolutely, but that's just the way the first year goes, I think, regardless of other children in the mix or not.

(Disclaimer: haven't quite given birth to #2 yet.)

Sorry, I think you misunderstood what I was saying and maybe my wording was a bit extreme. I was mostly referring to the beginning being tough for some people to juggle 2 but as you mentioned itís not always the case. Itís a learning curve the 1st year and a lot harder watching a premie and 2 yr old vs a 2 and 4yr old. Infants need a lot of attention in the beginning while youíre also trying to juggle a terrible two toddler with jealousy issues. I think after the first year it gets easier as you have the schedules down to a science, but I still do hear complaints from friends and some relatives about how their SO canít watch two, or how they canít go out at night for a drink with the guys because the wife canít put 2 kids to sleep themselves. It all depends on the person. Some parents donít exactly split the work 50/50 so the one who hasnít watched the kids as much may struggle with some tasks and the kids may prefer one parent to the other.

I suspect this is much more common in families where one parent does 90%+ of the parenting related work.


v8rx7guy

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #30 on: February 16, 2020, 01:32:02 PM »
Forget about personal time and you going out for a drink with friends while the other stays home to watch 2 kids. Over time it does get better for some people. You probably will learn to watch 2 on your own but not everyone is able to. I have friends who can barely watch 1 kid let alone 2. Putting 2 kids down for a nap and bedtime is tough on your own.

I don't disagree that it's tough but... wow, really? SAHPs all over the world watch multiple very young children all alone all day all the time. Plus working parents when they're not at work. Obviously children in general cramp your style a bit, especially when they're young, but I can't imagine my husband telling me I couldn't go out because he couldn't watch, say, a two-year-old and four-year-old on his own for a few hours. A baby and a toddler, absolutely, but that's just the way the first year goes, I think, regardless of other children in the mix or not.

(Disclaimer: haven't quite given birth to #2 yet.)

Uhhhh... no problems doing that with 3 kids.  It's called going out after 8:00 when the kids are sleeping.

ysette9

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #31 on: February 16, 2020, 02:10:04 PM »
But 8:30pm is my bedtime!

Chris Pascale

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #32 on: February 19, 2020, 08:37:40 PM »
When I saw that No. 1 could get stuff off of shelves for No. 2, it made me think that in a few years we'd hardly have to parent at all. I called my uncle to ask his advice and he said, "I got a vasectomy during my lunch hour; you should do the same."

Later that year, the girls went to my parents' for a few weeks and we realized that the year had gone so fast, and they'd eventually leave us, so we decided that we weren't done having kids yet.

elliha

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #33 on: February 20, 2020, 06:32:56 AM »
Unless you have some fertility related reason I think you should completely leave thinking about another kid until the first year is over. Then you can discuss it. We have 4 years between ours and I find that gap to work very well for us. Yes, there is a difference in age but they can play together, the older is a bit more mature and can keep the youngest from doing the most stupid stuff if she sees he is doing them. I am not saying she is actually babysitting but she does get when something is completely wrong and will tell him so and shout to us as well for back up. It means that I can actually sit down and read and not watch them like a hawk. This is now of course when they are soon to be 4 and 8. I think that our daughter benefited a lot from getting a brother. She had a tendency for anxiety before that which mostly went away when she got a brother. I am not an overly meddling parent but I think that I did keep too much control before he was born of her for her own comfort. She has a need for a bit of integrity and to be able to make decisions for herself (within reason for her age) that not all children have.

Some friends of ours said definitely no more than 1 baby but ended up actually having 2 with a 7 year gap. It seems like they are very happy with that decision.

My point is not that one and done is wrong but that for some a new decision develops over time and it is not wrong to say done for now and then change your minds. It is impossible to know what is right for you, only you know but that there is often more than one chance for siblings if you make that choice.

yachi

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Re: Our baby is perfect. Should we be one and done?
« Reply #34 on: February 20, 2020, 08:13:31 AM »
Whoís been here?

Baby 1 was such a shock to me I knew we were done.  We were done for at least the first year and a half.

Then we had baby 2.  That was hard - my time home from work was split into two kids, since they both were at different stages of development, I felt it more difficult to give each what they needed.  I knew we were done.

Then we had baby 3.  We both knew we were done for a good while.

Then we had baby 4.  Baby 4 was less planned than the others, but not a shock if we would have put more thought into it.


The thing is, each of them was planned more than it sounds above.  You get to a point where you forget how hard the difficulties were, and remember how good the good times were.  I think it's normal and healthy to be like, "OK this is it" after the first baby.