Author Topic: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?  (Read 17596 times)

andreamac

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New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« on: April 17, 2017, 09:05:40 AM »
Just wondering how new moms coped when they were home for the first few weeks by themselves??? I'm due in May and getting a little worried about being home alone with a newborn which is my first child.

My husband has changed jobs and will probably only be able to take the days off I'm in the hospital. i.e. 2 or 3 days max.

I'm just wondering if I should be looking into getting a maid temporarily or some other relief at the first few months? I do have one sister close that will probably visit once a week but other than that I will probably be on my own. I'm usually pretty self reliant and wanting to do things myself but I'm just wondering what other people's experience were like in a similar situation?

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2017, 09:23:49 AM »
My wife has gotten pretty involved w/ local mom groups.  Some are just folks she met in the neighborhood at the playground, swimming pool, etc. but others are folks she met on Facebook.  I don't know if she's had much luck with like "generic" groups, but I know she's met some people in a local baby wearing / cloth diapering group.  So if you can find a local group of moms on Facebook, that might be good.

milliemchi

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2017, 10:04:46 AM »
I'm just wondering if I should be looking into getting a maid temporarily or some other relief at the first few months? I do have one sister close that will probably visit once a week but other than that I will probably be on my own. I'm usually pretty self reliant and wanting to do things myself but I'm just wondering what other people's experience were like in a similar situation?

Yes, yes. The amount of work can be overwhelming, and the lack of sleep can be disabling. Until you know that your baby is the perfect one that sleeps and feeds and poops all the most easily, get some help, especially the first days. On top of it, you don't know how easy/difficult your delivery will be, so line something up now. You can always fire help later, but it's not that easy to find someone on short notice.

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2017, 10:18:52 AM »
I have a 3 week old. I've done my best to get out of the house daily, but in the newborn stage, the day flies by.
She needs to eat every 2 hours, and I have to supplement her with a bottle due to a weak suck.  So my day is a revolving stream of: wake up baby, change diaper if difficult to keep her awake, breastfeed, bottle feed, let her nap on my stomach a bit, possibly change diaper if she is awake and needs it, pump, clean bottles or do some sort of chore, start trying to wake up baby again.  Somewhere in there we try to fit in some tummy time, and a walk outside or an errand. There are also lots of doctors appts.

meerkat

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2017, 10:59:57 AM »
Yes, get help. I had a vaginal birth but had to get some stitches and I forget how long it took till I didn't feel them pull a little bit every time I went from sitting to standing. The baby may also only sleep while touching someone so being able to share that will help. Getting a wrap changed my life (I got a K'Tan but there's a bunch of different ones out there, you can figure out what works for you.)

I was also able to be part of a local new moms group, specifically for moms of babies 2-14 weeks old, so we had a chance to catch up every week with someone who was going through the same stuff we were - the lack of sleep, the "didn't you JUST EAT?", the frustration with our husbands, etc. There was also a Facebook group to go with it. There would be the occasional post of "It's 3:30AM and I'm trapped under a sleeping baby. Is anyone else up?" with responses of "Yep!" "Us too!"

Not mustachian, but do disposable plates/cups. Stock up the freezer with stuff you can eat one handed. Would you be okay with the maid service washing laundry? Or folding/putting away clean laundry? Are there any kids in the neighborhood that might work as mother's helpers?

Laura33

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2017, 11:02:31 AM »
The key to the newborn stage is to lower your expectations.  Then lower them again.  There were days when DH would come home and I'd say "I got a shower today!" and we would practically high-five because it was such an awesome accomplishment.  DD was one of those kids who had her nights and days flipped for the first what-seemed-like-forever-but-was-probably-only-a-week, so I was largely zombified for that entire time.  Which is bad only if you expect something different and start getting down on yourself for not getting XYZ done.  Screw XYZ -- your only job is to keep yourself and the baby alive and breathing.  Manage that, pat yourself on the back.

With that in mind, the key is "do whatever you can to make life easy."

-- Have easy food in the fridge/freezer.  Note that I carefully did not use the term "meals"; there were days that I was perfectly happy to subsist on deli chicken, because it was immediately available with zero work. 

-- Cleaning:  either skip it or outsource it.  If you hire cleaners and they show up at nap time (yours or baby's), just leave a big old "do not disturb" sign on the door to that room; it'll get cleaned next time.

-- Relatives:  depends on whether they are a help or a hindrance.  If you have relatives who expect to be entertained, screw 'em; they can visit when you are human again.  OTOH, having my mom there to hand the baby off to at 6 AM after another sleepless night, so I could go sleep for 4 solid hours, probably kept me sane.  And know yourself here: I was fine with close relatives being around, but I am an introvert, and so having some sort of paid helper in my house would just have made me more uncomfortable.

-- Plan for sleep.  From very early on, DH and I traded off weekend mornings, so that each of us got to sleep in at least one day a week.  I got through many, many Thursday nights knowing that I just had to make it until Saturday at 6 AM and then I could sleep as long as I wanted.

-- Leave extra time for *everything*.  Our first doctor's appointment, it took us an hour to get out the door.  If your kid is like my DD, she'll have an explode-a-poo the minute you buckle her into the car.  It's just sort of inevitable, so start everything waaaaaay before you think you need to.  Eventually you will get a routine nailed down.

-- Outsource unavoidable errands.  We took full advantage of the inlaws' visit to have them do the diaper runs, the grocery shopping, etc. 

-- Try to get outside every day.  Don't make a big deal about it; stepping out on the back deck, using a Baby Bjorn or whatever to wander around the block, it all counts.  Sunshine helps; reminding yourself that there is a world outside your door helps. 

-- Be patient with yourself and the baby.  We are used to being in control of everything, of having plans and activities and schedules and all that.  Just let it go.  Trust that you will figure out your baby in time; trust that you will sleep again; trust that you will eventually fall into a routine.  Everything feels so important, so magnified when you have an infant that is entirely dependent on you.  The vast majority of it doesn't matter, and you will figure out the rest.  Just give yourselves and the baby time to adjust to this new life you all have and just be.  That's really all you have to do.

In all likelihood, you will adjust quickly and not even need all of this.  But I still prefer to start by preparing for the worst, so that your days are filled with mini victories instead of unmet expectations.  The best part of setting the bar low is that it feels SO good to exceed expectations.  ;-) 

ABC123

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #6 on: April 17, 2017, 11:08:30 AM »
I'll be honest, having the first one was easy.  Even if I didn't get much sleep at night, I could take a nap during his first nap and then get things done during the other naps.  Having my 3rd was a lot more difficult! 

But it is really hard to know what your baby is going to be like.  Some babies sleep a lot during those first few months, and some are colicky and scream all the time.  If I were in your situation, I would get some meals put up in the freezer ahead of time so you aren't tempted to get takeout all the time.  But I would not get a maid service, unless you require your home to be spotless at all times.  If you have an average baby, you will have time to do some cleaning while the baby sleeps.  If you do end up with a difficult baby that hates to sleep, you can always get some housekeeping help at that point.

joonifloofeefloo

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #7 on: April 17, 2017, 11:08:44 AM »
I would give a close friend or nurturing (but healthily boundaried) neighbour a key to my place, and ask her to please sneak in once a day. If you are asleep, she can tidy up (or not), leave you a note, and sneak back out. If baby is awake, she can do the holding for a while. If baby is asleep, she can make you both a cup of tea and chat for a bit.

Orient her to the house (tea, etc) now.

You can ask 1-7 people to be on the roster, taking 1-7 days each. I would suggest at the mid-point of your DH's workday. Something to look forward to, something to keep you sane, breaks up the day :)

little_brown_dog

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #8 on: April 17, 2017, 11:15:16 AM »
+1 to getting help...and ideally not just a maid, but a family member or friend who can come and help you out in all sorts of ways, like cooking/picking up, holding the baby, etc. Another tip, stock up on easy meals weeks before you are due (just in case you pop early). You want tons of quick meals you can just heat up with virtually 0 prep (trust me on this...even slicing up veggies can be tough with a newborn in tow). Easy snacks like cheese sticks, protein bars, fresh fruit. If it takes more than 5 minutes to prepare, it's too labor intensive.

cacaoheart

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #9 on: April 17, 2017, 11:22:32 AM »
Our daughter is now 5 weeks old. My wife set up a free account with https://www.mealtrain.com/ so friends could sign up for bringing food by. This also served as a good guide for when people would visit without too many coming at once. You can also use similar sites to organize friends helping with baby sitting.

If it's tough to go out to a grocery store check out sites like instacart for cheap grocery delivery. Google and amazon also have versions of this service in some areas.

I scheduled a cleaner to come by every 2 weeks initially which improved the mood of the house for not too much money.

If you're familiar with Dr Harvey Karp's "Happiest Baby on the Block' book and DVD for helping babies sleep, you might be interested in the Snoo Smart Sleeper crib he developed with MIT Media Lab and started selling last November. My daughter has slept in it since the day she was born and it seems to have really helped all of us get more sleep. It costs more than most cribs but has been worth it to us.

We do what we can to minimize necessary driving. Our pediatrician is less than a 5 minute walk so we just put our daughter into a clean disposable diaper and carry her in our baby k'tan sling or a swaddle that zips up quickly.

A baby carrier like a baby k'tan is great for hands free carrying/soothing. We've hiked for 3+ hours with her resting calmly inside, finally getting testy when it was mealtime.

For diapers we use reusables during the day at home and disposable diapers when we're going out or for overnight sleeping so she won't wake up from feeling wet. Though we have a diaper bag for when we're out for hours, for quick trips I always have 3-4 disposables in one cargo pant pocket and a ziplock bag of several wipes in another pocket. Cuties diapers are only ~5-10 cents each on amazon. Using just disposables 24/7 could be easier and not too expensive with a diaper like cuties.

Thankfully I've been able to take 2 months off to help my wife, but the above have still been useful, except for the online grocery shopping since my wife feels rejuvenated by grocery shopping. 

ps: others will likely mention it in more detail, but I'd recommend having some formula around if/when needed. We only used it 3 times, all in the first week, but it was worth having, ideally a cheap generic brand you can readily get more of like costco's powder kirkland brand which is half the price of name brands but meets the same requirements.

« Last Edit: April 17, 2017, 11:33:43 AM by cacaoheart »

historienne

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #10 on: April 17, 2017, 12:21:54 PM »
Strongly recommend getting the information of a few postpartum doulas.  You may not need much extra help, but if you do, a postpartum doula is exactly the person you are looking for.  A good one will provide breastfeeding support and guidance on infant care, as well as help around the house.  They will also know to be on the lookout for PPD, which is a risk if you end up needing more help than you can get.

As to whether you're going to need it - there's just no way to know in advance.  You may have a textbook birth and a magic baby who sleeps 4 hour stretches from birth and cuddles quietly the rest of the time.  Or you might have an emergency C-section and a colicky baby who cries for 5 hours every day and sleeps 45 minutes at a time.  If you get the latter, you will need help.

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #11 on: April 17, 2017, 12:55:29 PM »
With that in mind, the key is "do whatever you can to make life easy."

Ditto this.  Everyone's experience with a newborn is different, but the fewer complications present from normal life the better.  Also remember that the newborn situation and hormone overdrive is temporary.

Find a way to be entertained during the constant nursing. Smartphones are heaven sent during this time!

CNM

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #12 on: April 17, 2017, 01:13:44 PM »
Yes to finding a friend or family member to help you for the first weeks.  Just having another set of hands around is a godsend.

I'll also mention to look for parenting organizations in your community.  Where I live, there are a few non-profits that specifically help new parents during the first weeks with baby education, meal delivery, house cleaning, breast feeding assistance, and all sorts of other things.  You might want to look at what your local United Way has to offer too.

Finally, we hired a doula for my son's birth.  Part of the fixed cost of the doula included a certain number of hours of post-delivery assistance in child care, house keeping, and whatever else I needed.

Oh oh I also thought of one other thing.  It might not be mustachian but I LOVED Amazon prime.  I could get supplies delivered quickly and I could order from my phone while feeding/cuddling my little one.

mamagoose

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #13 on: April 17, 2017, 01:29:53 PM »
Disposable dishes & freezer meals are sanity savers with a newborn. Even to do this day with a preschooler I still batch make PB&J sandwiches, then re-wrap and put in the freezer to grab for those times when I can only spare one hand to eat. Get started on some lasagnas now :)

I chose to skip housework instead of outsourcing (foolishly lol) and basically just survived w/o cleaning my shower for the first two years of my daughter's life. Nobody even noticed. I vacuumed at most once a month, usually coinciding with visitors coming over.

Don't underestimate your own recovery from childbirth. It is very hard on your own body too.

If you have grocery delivery available in your area, SIGN UP NOW! It is worth the money (Publix uses Shipt if you're in the Southeast), especially in those early weeks before you want to expose a baby to germy shopping carts. There will come times when you need diapers, Tucks pads (for you), milk, donuts... and it's a temporary expense while you're on maternity leave.

Befriend the drive-thru. Honestly in the early days, getting into the car can be enough of an accomplishment - and drive-thrus were invented for this purpose, so you can feed yourself while the baby is napping, and get some fresh air & human interaction in the process. No shame in cruising through Steak and Shake and eating in your car while baby naps - especially if you're nursing, you'll want the extra calories. Go ahead and pick up dinner there while you're at it :)

Good luck!

brycedoula

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #14 on: April 17, 2017, 03:50:19 PM »
If you don't have Netflix (or Hulu, or Kodi, or whatever) sign up. Even if you're not much of a TV watcher, when you're stuck on the couch (or in bed or recliner) with a nursing/napping newborn you will need something else to occupy you. My mum gave me a subscription to Today's Parent magazine which I could read on our iPad, it was great.

englishteacheralex

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #15 on: April 17, 2017, 04:04:45 PM »
With my first, I was devastated by the intense change that happened overnight to my ability to do all the things I had previously taken for granted (uninterrupted sleep, uninterrupted chores, going out, having a conversation at a party without having to slip out to nurse, being able to exercise...it's such a long list...).

PPD became a factor. I was pretty miserable until I went back to work, which was a life-saver as it got me back into a routine and bought me some help with the baby in the form of twelve hour daycare.

With my second, I have been having an amazingly fun time. The key: realistic expectations, and a sense of perspective. I now know that all the suckiness of the newborn stage actually passes in the blink of an eye. Instead of hating, hating, hating the feeling of being a shut in, controlled by a tiny person's needs, I was able to just accept it that I had a little girl to keep alive and reveled in the excuse to sit and watch Netflix all day long (older brother was in daycare!). Glorious. My understanding of what constitutes a fun time had drastically changed.

We had people making us meals for the first three months of kid #1's life. For kid #2 we had meals for the first week or two. Totally unnecessary for kid #2. By then I was capable of running the household no problem while my husband worked, despite pretty similar sleep/eat temperaments between the two kids. I got used to sleep deprivation and it didn't drag me into a pit of despair anymore.

Frozen food is a big help, that's for sure. Less rigorous standards for housekeeping.

Tattoo this on your brain: "This too shall pass..." The hard stuff of infancy will be over before you know it, and you'll be on to a whole different set of hard stuff.

Flyingkea

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #16 on: April 17, 2017, 09:10:46 PM »
I have a recommendation of a textbook 'what not to do' - don't have your partner go interstate for week when bubs is 2 weeks when he is the entirety of your supprt network, and then do a selfpack interstate move about a week after that! 26 days old and on a plane!

Support networks are absolutely vital, as part of my move, I was in a new city, and the only person I knew was my partner. I'm pretty sure that contributed to my PPD/PPA. They say it takes a village to raise a child, I used to think they were referring to moral upbringing, now I think it's about giving new parents a chance to have some sleep!


Find a way to get outside everyday, Mothers groups, library story time, are all things to help you get out of the house, and you might be able to make friends with other parents with children a similar age.
Definitely recommend a baby carrier - I would recommend finding a baby wearing group so you can try them out. For example, baby bjorns have a bad reputation but they tend to be common in stores. Also different carriers have different functions (eg forward facing, rearward facing, back carries etc) and and different means of distributing weight.

Freezer meals are awesome. On the nights you do cook, cook up a double or triple batch so for bad days, you can just whip out a meal.

Understand your limits - don't push yourself beyond your breaking point. Whether this be leaving the housework for another day, hiring a maid, or doing short 5 min bursts of activity per day, you do what works best for you.

stay away from parenting blogs. An odd one to be sure, but for some people it can trigger anxiety, or the parenting equivalent of keeping up with the joneses. Some information is helpful yes, but watch your intake. For me, I realised I had to quit them when I was stressing about elimination communication. (Never happened)

MayDay

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #17 on: April 18, 2017, 04:38:46 AM »
You basically don't have to do anything when it's your first baby.

You lie in bed and nurse, getting up to change diapers and plug in your laptop so you can watch more Netflix between naps.

The problem is that can get lonely, fast.

Either way your H can handle the cooking and housework for two weeks.

Personally but I did hire a housecleaner for a couple months after my second child. It was worth it.

My advice is to get a good baby carrier so you can go on a leisurely walk with baby, spend plenty of time sitting outside in the sun, and schedule people to come visit who won't make more work or annoy you. Ask friends to stop by for coffee (you brew coffee, they bring anything else) or if you have friends in the neighborhood, go visit them for an hour.

Then branch out to other things.

But I think the biggest thing is that many first time mom's push themselves to get "back to normal". No. For two weeks your job is to let your gaping crotch wound heal. Lay on bed with no pants and air our your lady bits. You'll never get to again with subsequent babies because you'll have older kids. It is not a badge of honor to be doing the grocery shopping three days after giving birth.

meerkat

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #18 on: April 18, 2017, 05:38:30 AM »
Random thing I found helpful - get an app for your phone to make the screen darker. The one I have on my Android phone is called Darker. It's simple but I love it. I already have a widget to be able to adjust how dim the screen is but Darker makes it even more dim. When it's in the middle of the night and you're up nursing the baby and need to keep yourself from falling asleep it's perfect because it won't ruin your night vision but still lets you play mindless games on your phone or surf the internet or whatever. I occasionally use it when I'm playing on my phone right before bed (a bad habit I've slipped into recently). I think there's also some out there that do a red tint which is supposed to help preserve your night vision as well.

Laura33

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #19 on: April 18, 2017, 07:06:33 AM »
I have a recommendation of a textbook 'what not to do' - don't have your partner go interstate for week when bubs is 2 weeks when he is the entirety of your supprt network, and then do a selfpack interstate move about a week after that! 26 days old and on a plane!

Support networks are absolutely vital, as part of my move, I was in a new city, and the only person I knew was my partner. I'm pretty sure that contributed to my PPD/PPA.

Ditto that!  For us, it was a layoff announced at 8 mos. pregnant, an international trip for him at 2 weeks that might have developed into a job (but didn't), and an interstate move to a place where I knew no one at 6 weeks.  I can't believe it took me like a year to figure out I was depressed (and then only in retrospect).

So, OP:  don't do that.  :-)

chaskavitch

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #20 on: April 18, 2017, 07:51:38 AM »
Yeah, everyone here has given great advice. 

Baby carrier (we also had the baby K'tan, because it is less intimidating than a giant wrap, but a ring sling might work well too) so you can leave your house and keep your baby happy next to you, and so you don't have to lug a car seat around inside stores and stuff.  We have a Lillebaby, too, and it is far more comfortable with a baby > 12-15 lbs, but that might get super toasty over the summer.

Lots of frozen meals, a meal train from friends, and a lot of snacks.  Especially in the summer, the snacks are nice, because who really wants to heat up frozen lasagna when it is already hot out?

Netflix with subtitles so you don't wake up sleeping baby!  If you're a reader, get an e-reader and lots of books - it is pretty much impossible to read a real book with one hand while you're holding a nursing baby, but you can balance a Kindle on your knee or the arm of your chair and use a pinkie to turn pages :)

I'm going to second this, too:
You basically don't have to do anything when it's your first baby.

It is not a badge of honor to be doing the grocery shopping three days after giving birth.

It was hard for me to have friends over and let them do things for me instead of visiting with them.  I always let them hold the baby, and then hovered and chatted and got them water instead of taking a nap or a shower or loading the dishwasher or eating ice cream.  So do your best to let people actually help you, instead of "hosting".  Most people, especially other moms with young kids, really do want to help, because they know how tired you are :)

Also, I'm pretty introverted, so I was ok taking morning walks around my neighborhood and then sitting in my rocker with baby sleeping on my lap while I read/watched Stranger Things/napped for quite a number of weeks.  If you're more social, though, look for a mom's group, or even go to a lactation group.  The Wee Steps Clinic near my house holds those a few times every week - you just go, weigh your baby, sit around with other new moms feeding your baby, then weigh them again to see how much they ate.  Mostly it's about sitting around with other people doing the same thing you are, though.

Good luck! 

I'm a red panda

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #21 on: April 18, 2017, 08:40:45 AM »
I have a recommendation of a textbook 'what not to do' - don't have your partner go interstate for week when bubs is 2 weeks when he is the entirety of your supprt network, and then do a selfpack interstate move about a week after that! 26 days old and on a plane!

Support networks are absolutely vital, as part of my move, I was in a new city, and the only person I knew was my partner. I'm pretty sure that contributed to my PPD/PPA.

Ditto that!  For us, it was a layoff announced at 8 mos. pregnant, an international trip for him at 2 weeks that might have developed into a job (but didn't), and an interstate move to a place where I knew no one at 6 weeks.  I can't believe it took me like a year to figure out I was depressed (and then only in retrospect).

So, OP:  don't do that.  :-)

Also recommend not letting your spouse get appendicitis when LO is 2 weeks. Two in the house recovering from surgery has been a bit tough.

DH and I are still cooking for ourselves (cannot imagine what it would take for us to go through a drive through and I have no idea who delivers here...) But we've had to reach out for help 3 times.  I needed a neighbor to buy dog food, since the bag is too heavy for either of us to lift, also asked a neighbor to poor salt into the softener. Finally the day after his surgery, having been at the ER/hospital for 18 hours, and then up all night with baby, and back to the hospital again, I broke down and asked a neighbor to hold the baby (she will only nap in arms during the day) so I could take a 2 hour nap.  I had been tired before, but I was completely exhausted and could not function anymore

SimpleCycle

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #22 on: April 18, 2017, 10:18:46 AM »
Are you sure your H can only take 2-3 days?  Honestly, I would ask about if he can take some unpaid time, even if he is new.  My wife was able to take time for this baby (I carried the baby) even though she's only been at the job for a month.  She negotiated it at the time of hire, but I'd still ask.

Some people have a hard time with a newborn, but some don't.  I mention this because it wasn't a hard transition for me and I feel like I worried a lot over things that never became issues.

We were lucky to both be home for both kids first few weeks, so our situation was different.  I had quite a few stitches after birth and was uncomfortable for about two weeks, but stayed on top of the ibuprofen and was okay.  In the beginning, you spend most of your time feeding the baby and comforting/holding the baby.  Have easy food available and let the dishes pile up until your spouse gets home.  Definitely get some sort of baby carrier.  I love my ring sling and I use it with both the newborn and the toddler.

I think only you can decide how much to outsource.  If I'd been alone with my first, I definitely would have wanted some respite from constantly holding her.  My second is much less intense and will let me put him down.

Good luck!

Nangirl17

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #23 on: April 18, 2017, 10:52:12 AM »
But I think the biggest thing is that many first time mom's push themselves to get "back to normal". No. For two weeks your job is to let your gaping crotch wound heal. Lay on bed with no pants and air our your lady bits. You'll never get to again with subsequent babies because you'll have older kids. It is not a badge of honor to be doing the grocery shopping three days after giving birth.

This x1000.   (source: I'm a midwife)
I tell my patients to tell their support people that the midwife ordered 2 weeks of doing nothing so if they need to that they could ask for help "on doctor's orders".

Free advice: to avoid the 'steady stream' of visitors which never allows you to sleep, when you call to announce the birth, have a plan for visitors already.  For example, we had our son on a Sunday afternoon. When we called to let family know, we said, "we will be receiving visitors from 4-7pm on Monday. That way the hordes of people came, then left, and we could go back to zombie mode. Of course, I told my sister straight off that she could come whenever because I knew that she would pitch in with dishes, diapering and getting meals, and I felt perfectly at ease to be myself around her.


mamagoose

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #24 on: April 18, 2017, 11:05:40 AM »
The first two weeks I couldn't leave the house b/c I couldn't put a shirt on - nursing meant cracked nips that needed to air out.

Very good perspective from the PP about the second baby - looking back, if someone said "hey girl, here's a few months to chill by yourself with netflix and your sweet baby with nobody bugging you" I would JUMP at the chance hahaha. It would feel like a vacation compared with life with a toddler.

PPD is real - if you have access to a gym with childcare (most start taking babies at 6 weeks old), GO! If nothing else you can shower in peace while the nice babysitters hold your little one, or your little one gets to chill in a swing while watching other kids. Also look up MOPS groups (Mothers of Preschoolers) - you can even start going while you're still pregnant. Great place to meet new moms and get the inside scoop (where are the good preschools? who has a good housekeeper/babysitter?). It's like Girl Scouts for moms, a lot of fun, and plenty of mommies there who will hold your baby while you socialize & give your arms a break :)

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #25 on: April 18, 2017, 11:58:09 AM »
I was a new mom a few years before Facebook.  The first month was rough. I didn't know anybody and I had this little screaming infant to care for.  What got me through it was joining a breastfeeding support group.  We met weekly, and then one day one of the moms asked if I wanted to come to a playgroup they were setting up on Fridays.  That was my salvation my first few years of parenthood, seriously.  Now I would probably use the meetup app, or my local facebook or Nextdoor app to find people to hang out with. 

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #26 on: April 18, 2017, 02:02:23 PM »
Another thing that's important that I think MANY first-timers neglect (mothers in particular) is self-care. When my daughter was a newborn I'd go for more than a few days without a full shower or bath. I didn't mean to, but I was so tired & just wanting to cuddle my baby & make sure that she was okay that my own care started to slide a bit.

It's truly amazing how much better a shower/bath/toothbrushing can make you feel. When your husband comes home from work (or if a trusted friend or family member is around) hand that baby to them & take a few minutes to yourself! Even though your boobs & bum hurt, and you're exhausted - a shower will make you feel like a[n almost] human again.

andreamac

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #27 on: April 18, 2017, 05:08:47 PM »
Thanks everyone for all the great ideas. I've joined a local FB mommy group and being preparing frozen meals. I have netflix and an ereader for boredom. Will try to focus on baby and myself instead of house for the first couple of weeks. Thanks again!

lazy-saver

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #28 on: April 18, 2017, 06:37:39 PM »
It's really hard to know until you know both what the temperament of your baby is and what you yourself feel like.

I wasn't on my own during the day until after the first two weeks, but I don't recall much having changed by then, simply being more used to it.

I actually found that having people around was harder.  My parents were in town but I made them stay away except for brief visits because I could handle the baby but I couldn't handle the mental load of having guests, even though I knew they were the type to do rather than create work.

Otherwise the key was simply low expectations.  We ate packaged meals, my husband did at least his usual half of the housework despite the fact that I'd been home all day and trying to get as much of it as I could done.  We went to bed extremely early.

But I had a pretty easy baby aside from the common problem of not accepting being set down.  Like others say, a carrier of some sort is very useful; I'm very happy with our hand-me-down moby.  What I wish I'd learned earlier than I did: just because a baby fights a swaddle doesn't mean it's not part of the solution.

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #29 on: April 18, 2017, 09:07:50 PM »
My husband has changed jobs and will probably only be able to take the days off I'm in the hospital. i.e. 2 or 3 days max.

Frankly, your husband needs to man up and stay home with his wife.


2 or 3 days?   Ridiculous.

MayDay

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #30 on: April 19, 2017, 04:39:02 AM »
My husband has changed jobs and will probably only be able to take the days off I'm in the hospital. i.e. 2 or 3 days max.

Frankly, your husband needs to man up and stay home with his wife.


2 or 3 days?   Ridiculous.

My husband started a new job two weeks before I had my second child. It was a contract job after he's been laid off a year in the middle of the recession. Extra time.off was not an option.

I had baby on a Thursday and he went back on a Monday.  It wasn't the end if the world. All I really needed was someone to entertain my toddler, I was happy to leave the dishes sitting for him to do at night. So I hired someone to watch the toddler.

Would it be better if we had more paternity leave in the US? Obviously. But for many/most families it isn't an option and the income is desperately needed. It isn't a matter of "Manning Up"  it's a matter of keeping your job to provide for your family.

Laura33

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #31 on: April 19, 2017, 06:25:04 AM »
It does surprise me how many employers are still in the Stone Ages about paternity leave.  We had #2 when DH had been in his current job for maybe a year and a half and had made a very good first impression.  So about a week before the birth, DH's boss calls him aside and says the general blather about such an exciting time, and then he wraps it up with "please take as much time off as you need -- two, three days is fine."  With the attitude of "I am granting you an audience with the Queen so be suitably appreciative."

I asked DH what he was going to do.  His reply: "I'm going to take whatever the fuck I need."  I think he ended up taking 4-5 days, doing a little work from home or popping in for an hour or two, and then really cutting back the extra hours for the first few weeks/months. 

But generally, I'm with MayDay.  DH got away with even that minimal stretching of the rules because his employer loved him, and he made damn sure that the work got done and no deadlines were missed.  Plus he has the attitude that it is better to ask forgiveness than permission.  AND on top of all that, we have two incomes and can live on one, which provides a lot of power to do what you think you need to do.  But not everyone is in that situation, and not everyone has the kind of employer that let DH get away with it.  There is no shame whatsoever in doing what you need to do to keep your job and not piss off the guy who hands you your paycheck.

merula

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #32 on: April 19, 2017, 07:10:17 AM »
Do your best not to punch the people who say "enjoy this time, they grow up so fast". They're speaking their own truth; it seems like only yesterday to them that their children were newborns and now they're not. That doesn't make statements like that any less insensitive, but it's some perspective. Those people absolutely don't remember exactly what it felt like to be operating on hour-long snippets of sleep (if you're lucky!).

Or, you know, do punch them. They'll probably forgive you.

joonifloofeefloo

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #33 on: April 19, 2017, 10:18:04 AM »
^ hahaha, LOVE this merula! That's how I have felt for 12.5 years (raising a kid with a disability solo).

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #34 on: April 19, 2017, 12:56:17 PM »
The one thing I regret about the first few weeks is that I really didn't prioritize getting enough sleep myself.  I wanted to be supermom and get stuff done around the house, go for long walks, go to mom's groups, read books, etc.  I was running on adrenaline and it worked for a while but I then crashed pretty hard at some point.  If you are going back to work at 12 weeks, it will get really REALLY hard to fix your sleep deficit once you are back, unless you kid is a miracle sleeper.  So if I were doing it over I would be better about sleeping when baby is sleeping.

kimmarg

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #35 on: April 19, 2017, 06:05:19 PM »
I would definitely get some help. Depending on how delivery goes it could be a few weeks before you can move comfortably.  Help could be maid, nanny etc, but for me I also found being home super isolating so try to get friends/family to visit.  Reach out to people you know now and ask them to bring you a meal or stop in - set up a schedule. It doesn't have to be an all day visit but sometimes just seeing an adult face and having someone to hold the baby while you take a shower (10 minutes! to myself! clean!) makes a huge difference. 

Also bulk cooking saved me. I love to cook and baby was 6 weeks old before I did anything other than reheat one of the frozen meals we had stored. www.onceamonthmeals.com is a good resource for that. I put all my nervous energy into meal prep and I'd recommend it - more useful than refolding all those baby clothes or other nesting cliches.

andreamac

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #36 on: April 20, 2017, 05:11:07 AM »
It does surprise me how many employers are still in the Stone Ages about paternity leave.  We had #2 when DH had been in his current job for maybe a year and a half and had made a very good first impression.  So about a week before the birth, DH's boss calls him aside and says the general blather about such an exciting time, and then he wraps it up with "please take as much time off as you need -- two, three days is fine."  With the attitude of "I am granting you an audience with the Queen so be suitably appreciative."

I asked DH what he was going to do.  His reply: "I'm going to take whatever the fuck I need."  I think he ended up taking 4-5 days, doing a little work from home or popping in for an hour or two, and then really cutting back the extra hours for the first few weeks/months. 

But generally, I'm with MayDay.  DH got away with even that minimal stretching of the rules because his employer loved him, and he made damn sure that the work got done and no deadlines were missed.  Plus he has the attitude that it is better to ask forgiveness than permission.  AND on top of all that, we have two incomes and can live on one, which provides a lot of power to do what you think you need to do.  But not everyone is in that situation, and not everyone has the kind of employer that let DH get away with it.  There is no shame whatsoever in doing what you need to do to keep your job and not piss off the guy who hands you your paycheck.

My husband just started the job and will only be there for a month before my due date so we don't want him to look bad to his new employer so it's more us than them. He works in finance and it's actually all women he works with so hopefully they will be much more understanding. Luckily I get a full year off of maternity with pay (I work for the Government of Canada) so I'm super lucky and excited to have this time with baby. Hopefully my husband will be able to take a day here and there for appointments etc at the beginning as well.

The company he works for offers flex vacation, i.e. take as much as you need if you supervisor approves it but we aren't sure how flexible it really is... it appears that some companies do this so people end up taking less vacation since they manage themselves.

andreamac

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #37 on: April 20, 2017, 05:13:38 AM »
Do your best not to punch the people who say "enjoy this time, they grow up so fast". They're speaking their own truth; it seems like only yesterday to them that their children were newborns and now they're not. That doesn't make statements like that any less insensitive, but it's some perspective. Those people absolutely don't remember exactly what it felt like to be operating on hour-long snippets of sleep (if you're lucky!).

Or, you know, do punch them. They'll probably forgive you.

LOL, I'm getting excited and scared all at the same time. I know I probably have some unrealistic expectations for myself and will have to rein that in! My sisters are the worst for saying stuff like that. Will hopefully not punch them in the face since they will part of my support team :)

NeonPegasus

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #38 on: April 20, 2017, 11:17:14 AM »
Line up help. Hire a maid. Invite your mom or MIL (if she doesn't drive you crazy). Consider a postpartum doula. If someone offers to help, respond with "Yes, please. I could especially use some cooked meals." My brother grilled a bunch of chicken breasts for me. Sliced it up and froze it in quart size bags for me. It was a lifesaver. My BFF brought me a basket of snacks. It was a lifesaver too. I ate sooooooooooooooo much as I was learning to breastfeed.

My mom came to stay a couple of nights. She cooked the whole time and went home for a night or two and then returned and cooked more. She was the one who showed me how to properly burp a baby and how to bathe one without dropping it. I was recovering from a c-section so that made it extra difficult to get around.

But let's say you have a great recovery like I did with my last two (both VBACs and the third was an unmedicated homebirth). After my last birth, I was back into my daily routine the next day. Literally. Walking the kids to the bus stop, working in our home office, etc. MISTAKE. HUGE MISTAKE. #1 - I needed more rest than that. Being active too soon dragged out my postpartum bleeding forever. #2 - People will take their cues from you and will adjust their expectations accordingly. At least after my c-section, people were sympathetic to me recovering from major surgery. After the 3rd easy breezy birth, everyone decided I was just hunky dory when they saw me back at everything so soon. It was very hard to get any help after that. DH figured everything was business as usual and as I became increasingly run down, it was harder and harder to make him understand why he needed to up his game. So, it's best to set expectations very low from the start.

As for other aspects of self-care, here's a tip. Set the baby in a bouncy seat outside the shower so you can open the door/curtain any time baby gets fussy. Make sure the vent fan is on or turn on some other loud droning noise. That'll knock the baby right out and you can enjoy your shower. You will want to shower every day. You will sweat like a pig every night as your hormones shift and be covered with breastmilk, spit up and lochia. I'm shuddering remembering that.

bunchbikes

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #39 on: April 21, 2017, 09:52:43 PM »
My husband started a new job two weeks before I had my second child. It was a contract job after he's been laid off a year in the middle of the recession. Extra time.off was not an option.

There are always options.

Quote
Would it be better if we had more paternity leave in the US?

The federal government gives you 3 months by law... and I don't personally know any non-female who's used it all. I know it doesn't apply in your specific case, because it was a brand new gig. Just saying, cause you brought up paternity leave.

Quote
But for many/most families it isn't an option and the income is desperately needed. It isn't a matter of "Manning Up"  it's a matter of keeping your job to provide for your family.

It's a matter of priorities and planning.  Someone who wanted to stay home with their wife, no matter what, could spend 9 months hustling together some extra cash to float the few months of not working (or more time, if you knew in advance that you wanted to have kids).  And it's not like you can't occasionally hustle some cash when you're on paternity leave.  You don't go from job to zero.  You go from job, to whatever you can scrape together in the spare time between naps/bottles/diaper runs.
« Last Edit: April 21, 2017, 10:00:02 PM by CargoBiker »

bunchbikes

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #40 on: April 21, 2017, 09:58:37 PM »
Do your best not to punch the people who say "enjoy this time, they grow up so fast". They're speaking their own truth; it seems like only yesterday to them that their children were newborns and now they're not. That doesn't make statements like that any less insensitive, but it's some perspective. Those people absolutely don't remember exactly what it felt like to be operating on hour-long snippets of sleep (if you're lucky!).

Or, you know, do punch them. They'll probably forgive you.

I don't get these people either, haha.  I can't wait until my newborn both sleeps through the night, and chooses to acknowledge my existence, you know, in a year or so from now.

I love my kids, but I won't miss the baby stage at all.

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #41 on: April 22, 2017, 12:52:08 AM »
My husband started a new job two weeks before I had my second child. It was a contract job after he's been laid off a year in the middle of the recession. Extra time.off was not an option.

There are always options.

Quote
Would it be better if we had more paternity leave in the US?

The federal government gives you 3 months by law... and I don't personally know any non-female who's used it all. I know it doesn't apply in your specific case, because it was a brand new gig. Just saying, cause you brought up paternity leave.

Quote
But for many/most families it isn't an option and the income is desperately needed. It isn't a matter of "Manning Up"  it's a matter of keeping your job to provide for your family.

It's a matter of priorities and planning.  Someone who wanted to stay home with their wife, no matter what, could spend 9 months hustling together some extra cash to float the few months of not working (or more time, if you knew in advance that you wanted to have kids).  And it's not like you can't occasionally hustle some cash when you're on paternity leave.  You don't go from job to zero.  You go from job, to whatever you can scrape together in the spare time between naps/bottles/diaper runs.

Of course there are always options. Losing your job is one option. It isn't always simple to find a new one.

The "3 months by law" does not apply to all workers.
I work for a company of 3,000 people, but my location only has 40, so no FMLA protection for me.

cacaoheart

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #42 on: April 22, 2017, 07:23:27 AM »
The "3 months by law" does not apply to all workers.
I work for a company of 3,000 people, but my location only has 40, so no FMLA protection for me.

That would be frustrating, to be at a location with less than 50 employees within 75 miles and therefore not benefit from FMLA. When I went to a birth class with my wife most people that were eligible for FMLA had never heard of it, even though they were about a month from having a baby.

I'm very lucky to have a manager that told me just to let her know how much time I needed off, and ~2 months wasn't a problem even though my coworkers were pleasantly shocked to see a man taking that much time off for paternity leave.

joonifloofeefloo

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #43 on: April 22, 2017, 09:28:52 AM »
Quote
Of course there are always options. Losing your job is one option. It isn't always simple to find a new one.

+1.  :)

There are so many women and men whose circumstances require them to work from shortly after giving birth. It is their first major sacrifice on behalf of their little one.

Yes, some people manage to line up their lives to reach FIRE before becoming parents, some are lucky in that they have fancy parental benefits, and some had a long employment situation leading up to the point of birth, thus more employer flexibility. For those of us who had none of these, and had to work right through to feed our children, we were also lucky to have employment, we were awesome parents (and partners, where applicable) for doing what was necessary to provide, and we were likely inspired by this less-than-ideal situation to line things up differently for future events. All of that is good.

chaskavitch

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #44 on: April 23, 2017, 06:31:16 AM »
Do your best not to punch the people who say "enjoy this time, they grow up so fast". They're speaking their own truth; it seems like only yesterday to them that their children were newborns and now they're not. That doesn't make statements like that any less insensitive, but it's some perspective. Those people absolutely don't remember exactly what it felt like to be operating on hour-long snippets of sleep (if you're lucky!).

Or, you know, do punch them. They'll probably forgive you.

I don't get these people either, haha.  I can't wait until my newborn both sleeps through the night, and chooses to acknowledge my existence, you know, in a year or so from now.

I love my kids, but I won't miss the baby stage at all.

Just an FYI to keep your spirits up, they start noticing your existence WAAAAY before a year.  Our 10 month old has just progressed to high-fives, and he claps and says "yaaaaaay" whenever he throws something particularly far, and it is so. stinking. cute :)  OTOH, he also is discovering that it's a good idea to cry when you won't let him have something he wants, like mugs of hot coffee and cans of beer and all the silverware in the dishwasher.

Sleeping through the night, though... not so much.

joonifloofeefloo

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #45 on: April 23, 2017, 07:28:59 AM »
I think it's such a rude thing to say ("enjoy...it doesn't last long..."). Um, it DOES last long. Going years (in some of our cases) without a full night's sleep lasts long. Parenting 24/7 for years at a time (say, a child with a disability) does last long. Parenting solo where you have no family or close friend or kindly neighbour to scoop kid up so you can have your soul back, that lasts long.

Would it feel quick if I had full-time daycare, plus a partner to do a bunch of the care? Probably! But I don't, so it was rude of those two ladies -now ER with adult kids- to say that to me last week :)    To their credit, they did seem to notice the look on my face after they did so.

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #46 on: April 23, 2017, 07:33:38 AM »
The "3 months by law" does not apply to all workers.
I work for a company of 3,000 people, but my location only has 40, so no FMLA protection for me.

That would be frustrating, to be at a location with less than 50 employees within 75 miles and therefore not benefit from FMLA. When I went to a birth class with my wife most people that were eligible for FMLA had never heard of it, even though they were about a month from having a baby.

I'm very lucky to have a manager that told me just to let her know how much time I needed off, and ~2 months wasn't a problem even though my coworkers were pleasantly shocked to see a man taking that much time off for paternity leave.

I don't have FMLA but I'm damn good at my job and they don't want to lose me- so I'm being allowed leave.

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #47 on: May 25, 2017, 06:27:54 PM »
Good luck!! Am not sure if someone else suggested this but just in case -- my hubbie took the days off after I came home from the hospital. In the hospital, my needs were met -- nurses brought me food, I took the classes in baby things offered, I slept. Hubbie visited me in the evenings and went to work the next day. When it was time to go home, he brought me home and stayed home from work then. I needed much more help when I got home -- I was still tired (and sore). It was great to have him help with cooking, etc.  Am not sure what is happening with you as I type. Best of luck!!

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #48 on: May 26, 2017, 03:00:34 AM »
As a new mum, I really appreciated this thread turning up just before my baby arrived. I've referred to it a lot in the last 5 weeks. The food parts are important, I've just realised my lunch meals are way too complicated, I can't eat them with one hand and they take far too long to make. Next week I'm chopping a salad at the start of the week and snacking on it, with hommus.

MayDay

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Re: New mom, home alone with newborn, any suggestions?
« Reply #49 on: May 26, 2017, 03:26:57 AM »
My husband started a new job two weeks before I had my second child. It was a contract job after he's been laid off a year in the middle of the recession. Extra time.off was not an option.

There are always options.

Quote
Would it be better if we had more paternity leave in the US?

The federal government gives you 3 months by law... and I don't personally know any non-female who's used it all. I know it doesn't apply in your specific case, because it was a brand new gig. Just saying, cause you brought up paternity leave.

Quote
But for many/most families it isn't an option and the income is desperately needed. It isn't a matter of "Manning Up"  it's a matter of keeping your job to provide for your family.

It's a matter of priorities and planning.  Someone who wanted to stay home with their wife, no matter what, could spend 9 months hustling together some extra cash to float the few months of not working (or more time, if you knew in advance that you wanted to have kids).  And it's not like you can't occasionally hustle some cash when you're on paternity leave.  You don't go from job to zero.  You go from job, to whatever you can scrape together in the spare time between naps/bottles/diaper runs.

This is just such a shitty response. In all ways.

I'll leave it at that.

 

Wow, a phone plan for fifteen bucks!