Keep my kids from being spoiled rotten

[tobitonic]

I'm definitely in the no TVs in the bedrooms camp and would shut that down asap, but aside from that I think it is really in the parenting.

I do think it's good to be transparent with kids about money and not hide the wealth, just teach them about the hard work that got you where you are and how their hard work can get them there too. My parents were transparent with me with wealth and I learned so much from it. We were poor until I was a teen, then started doing pretty well and my dad would show me the tax statements and talk about savings and investments and future plans any time I asked. I feel like I got a good handle on things from those conversations alone. My college was paid for, but I spent every penny like it was my own because I knew how hard they worked for it. I chose an economic school, a difficult major, lived at home through school to save money and got As. My husband's parents were very secretive about money, although better off. He has told me before that he learned more about money from me than them.

I only have a 7m old and am not qualified to give parenting advice, but as someone who was raised by good parents I would say: teach them about how money is not things, it is security to know you can eat and sleep in a warm safe dry place while you pursue more important life goals and community. Don't buy stuff. When they get older, run calculations and build spreadsheets showing them how much of a head start you are giving them by helping with college. Mostly, don't make money a big deal. Live life, have family time, lead by example with mindfulness and gratitude.

Lovely post.

[StarBright]

Along the lines of the soup kitchen idea, when school is out in the summer low income children are at an elevated risk of going without food. Many areas have charities that run summer lunch programs/deliver brown bag lunches - see if you can volunteer there as a family. I think it can help a kid relate better when they see other children (rather than just adults).

I know it isn't the most cost effective to donate food instead of dollars but when my oldest was 3 I started letting him pick out one thing each grocery trip to donate to the summer lunch program. At the beginning of the summer we would drop off several boxes of applesauce containers, granola bars,etc.

Also agree about no TV in the bedrooms, getting into nature with your family, and CHORES. My four year old helps clear the table several nights a week and the two year old loves to help scrape food into the trash (with help of course).

[Hadilly]

I'd recommend reading the book, "How to Raise an Adult" by Julie Lythcott-Haims, some really good stuff there about raising a confident, independent child and then strong adult.

We talk a lot about how we choose to spend money, how our values as a family inform our choices, why we bike as much as possible, etc. I think modeling is important, but also being explicit about WHY is too. That way the voice and behavior get internalized and the child develops an understanding of why frugality/ exercise/ whatever is being chosen.

We also engage in a certain amount of questioning and information presentation, "This soap costs x, this other soap costs 2x. Which one do you think we should get? Why?"

Or, in response to a desire to ride in the car. "Biking is better for our bodies, better for the environment, we don't have to deal with parking, and it is more fun. Given that it is not raining and you are not sick, which do you think we should do?"

[galliver]

I do think it's good to be transparent with kids about money and not hide the wealth, just teach them about the hard work that got you where you are and how their hard work can get them there too.

First, I do think that was an excellent post. However, this one statement reminded me of a conversation with a friend as a teenager. I forget why we were on the subject, but at one point he insisted there was no privilege in the amount of spending money he had because he earned it all at his afterschool job. But from my perspective, being able to have a job was a huge privilege denied to me because of my visa status. On the flip side, my bf likes to point out to me how fortunate I was that my parents chose to live in areas with schools that offered (among other things) numerous AP courses. Yes, I worked hard to get As in those classes and 5s on most of those tests and thus 54 hours (roughly 3 semesters) of college credit and (possibly related) a really nice scholarship, and I'm proud of those accomplishments, but I couldn't have done that if I hadn't had access to those schools and thus those opportunities.

I guess what I'm saying is that hard work is only a part of the equation: accomplishment = starting point +hard work*time. Teach them to appreciate the starting point and the fact that everyone faces different challenges, too.

[BeanCounter]

I do think it's good to be transparent with kids about money and not hide the wealth, just teach them about the hard work that got you where you are and how their hard work can get them there too.

First, I do think that was an excellent post. However, this one statement reminded me of a conversation with a friend as a teenager. I forget why we were on the subject, but at one point he insisted there was no privilege in the amount of spending money he had because he earned it all at his afterschool job. But from my perspective, being able to have a job was a huge privilege denied to me because of my visa status. On the flip side, my bf likes to point out to me how fortunate I was that my parents chose to live in areas with schools that offered (among other things) numerous AP courses. Yes, I worked hard to get As in those classes and 5s on most of those tests and thus 54 hours (roughly 3 semesters) of college credit and (possibly related) a really nice scholarship, and I'm proud of those accomplishments, but I couldn't have done that if I hadn't had access to those schools and thus those opportunities.

I guess what I'm saying is that hard work is only a part of the equation: accomplishment = starting point +hard work*time. Teach them to appreciate the starting point and the fact that everyone faces different challenges, too.

My Mom always said "you don't get to declare it a home run when you started on third base"

[elaine amj]

   It is also the little things, like neither of my kids cut their own food.  This was understandable when they were little, but honestly...should a 7 year old not know how to cut their food?  I am an enabler, I understand that...because so often it is easier for me to just do it rather than argue about it or listen to the whining. I always feel like I only see them a few hours each evening and want that time to be enjoyable and relaxing, not a constant battle of wills...and then there you have it. I"ll have a 40 year old living at home off his birthday and christmas money while I cut up his steak for him! LOL!  I have no really useful advice, I just wanted to share that I think many parents struggle with find the right balance.

Ha ha - you're doing better than I am. My kids are teens and I STILL cut up their food!!! When I grumble jokingly, they like to point out that I cut up DH's food!!

On the flip side, my kids are kind, generous and NICE people (even if I do say so myself!). They do chores, more so now that they are older, although probably not as many as other kids do. They don't necessarily like chores, but accepted with a better attitude once I explained that Dad and I don't like them either - but they have to be done and we need their help to do so. They understand budgeting, and about making choices with money (although my son has told me he would prefer we go on only ONE vacation a year and have a nicer house instead!), and that Mom says no a lot of the time. Then again - DD told me once that she has discovered if she comments in passing that she wants to do something.....sooner or later Mom makes it happen! Took me about a year to find the right deal/time for horse riding - but then she got to ride in Texas :) They don't ask for much stuff though. I suppose I would look at this all differently if I constantly had to deal with "I want!"

We have had times when DS has acted slightly demanding and entitled or whiny about something that I've spent money/time for us to do. Or what I absolutely hate, ungrateful. Also, every few years my DS starts getting green-eyed about what his friends have that we don't. I usually resolve this with lectures/quiet talks and constant reminders about counting his blessings. Eventually his vision clears up and he gets his head screwed on straight again since he is a good kid at heart. 

I honestly don't know if we are overindulging them to the point that it is unhealthy for them. They are certainly indulged as we do provide so much of their wants that neither really have any need for extra money. 

I feel that spoiled rotten children are the ones who can only see themselves and do not take the effort to consider any impact on the people around them. They see only one respond to their wants - instant gratification and get immediately upset if they do not get that response. So, as a parent, I try to pay attention to developing the character traits I feel are counter to truly spoiled children - kindness, generosity, gratefulness, and caring for the people around them.

[Gone Fishing]

I didn't read through all the replies so someone may have touched on it, but I believe vacations are a great opportunity to NOT spoil your children.  While everyone else is taking flights to high end resorts, take your kids camping at state or national park.  They'll thank you for it. 

[TabbyCat]

I do think it's good to be transparent with kids about money and not hide the wealth, just teach them about the hard work that got you where you are and how their hard work can get them there too.

First, I do think that was an excellent post. However, this one statement reminded me of a conversation with a friend as a teenager. I forget why we were on the subject, but at one point he insisted there was no privilege in the amount of spending money he had because he earned it all at his afterschool job. But from my perspective, being able to have a job was a huge privilege denied to me because of my visa status. On the flip side, my bf likes to point out to me how fortunate I was that my parents chose to live in areas with schools that offered (among other things) numerous AP courses. Yes, I worked hard to get As in those classes and 5s on most of those tests and thus 54 hours (roughly 3 semesters) of college credit and (possibly related) a really nice scholarship, and I'm proud of those accomplishments, but I couldn't have done that if I hadn't had access to those schools and thus those opportunities.

I guess what I'm saying is that hard work is only a part of the equation: accomplishment = starting point +hard work*time. Teach them to appreciate the starting point and the fact that everyone faces different challenges, too.

My Mom always said "you don't get to declare it a home run when you started on third base"

Good point - and another opportunity to show your kids both how money works and what you have done to help them. Starting point does matter quite a bit.

[StarBright]

I didn't read through all the replies so someone may have touched on it, but I believe vacations are a great opportunity to NOT spoil your children.  While everyone else is taking flights to high end resorts, take your kids camping at state or national park.  They'll thank you for it.

So Close - this makes so much sense.  It never occurred to me because I was raised sort of exactly the opposite. We never had a fancy house, clothes, cars or electronics (for instance we never had a game system until we were teenagers and pooled our money for one) and we never went out to eat but we took awesome vacations.

I remember begging my parents for some cool sweatshirt when I was around 11 or 12 and they said "would you rather have an IOU sweatshirt or take a trip to New York and see a show?" They taught us very early on that spending money is all about choices.

I sort of wish we had taken some cheap vacations because as an adult I don't feel like I'm vacating unless I'm doing something cool and camping is my nightmare vacation -  I'd rather work an 80 hour week than sleep outside in the heat with bugs :)

[calimom]

I would suggest not feeding your family from Chick-Fil-A. They're homophobic, have terribly unhealthy food and you can save money by cooking at home.

Oh come on. Don't bring political/social issue leanings into a discussion about spoiling kids.

Because discussing optimum health and decent values on a blog/forum dedicated to discussing optimum health and decent values would be a terrible thing! "God" forbid!

[Scandium]

Huh, your $160/week preschool is horribly luxurious?? $600 a month? In what world? How does that even pay for staff? Ours is $300 a week! That's $1,300/month! And it's nice and we like it, but from what I can tell about the same price as every other around here. Unless you're in Bangladesh or something count yourself lucky your school is cheap, don't complain how it's an indulgent luxury.

Feel like we've gone full circle. Parent's were always stressing about providing the best, safest childhood for their kids. Now that many do, we worry that this might be wrong! Maybe sending your child to work in a coal mine at 6 years old would build character..?

[asiljoy]

For most chores it depends on how much independency and especially how much perfection you need. A three year old can do most of these tasks. Setting a table will end up with forks and knives being upside down or on the wrong side of a plate. Picking up a room might require repeated reminders of what to pick next. Dishes are placed in the dish washer with lots of spare room. Vegetables are cut in very differently sized pieces. Kids don't see the drawbacks of certain approaches and certainly don't plan ahead as much.

Truth. I'd say too, part of it is my problem and letting go of perfection or even expecting that they replicate how I'd do it. For example, when I asked him to pick the books up off the floor, I was expecting that he'd put them on the book shelf. He put them in the toy basket.... I'm gonna say that's good enough for a 3 year old. And his solution worked. His floor isn't covered with books anymore.  He can work on optimizing how that all works for him as he gets older :D

[elaine amj]

Truth. I'd say too, part of it is my problem and letting go of perfection or even expecting that they replicate how I'd do it. For example, when I asked him to pick the books up off the floor, I was expecting that he'd put them on the book shelf. He put them in the toy basket.... I'm gonna say that's good enough for a 3 year old. And his solution worked. His floor isn't covered with books anymore.  He can work on optimizing how that all works for him as he gets older :D

Better than my son's favorite solution - jamming it in his closet/under his bed!!

I admit I have trouble with letting my kids do stuff because it is faster/better if I do it myself. I've recently started handing over the laundry chores to my teens. But it does drive me slightly nuts to see clothes not hung up properly and things not placed in the correct spots. Thankfully, we don't do much folding as I converted to having 90% of our clothes on hangers many, many years ago.

DH told me I need to start handing over the mopping duties but I don't know if I can handle it quite yet. I already have my DD doing the bulk of the sweeping. Also, I'm bad about taking the time to teach. Usually I am rushing around and teaching them how to do it properly just takes so.much.time.

I am getting better though, especially as the kids get older. It's so nice to be able to catch up on my weeding while my kids mow the grass! Before, I needed double the time to mow AND weed and often let the weeding go because I would be too tired/busy after mowing.

[galliver]

Feel like we've gone full circle. Parent's were always stressing about providing the best, safest childhood for their kids. Now that many do, we worry that this might be wrong! Maybe sending your child to work in a coal mine at 6 years old would build character..?

Well, it's probably the first time in history (and place in the world) that parents have a choice about how much adversity to expose their children to. Or perhaps, for the first time we're seeing the effects on a generation that experienced too little, and realizing how important it is for proper development of human beings...and therefore wrestling with the question of how to balance safety and abundance with adversity.

[zolotiyeruki]

Better than my son's favorite solution - jamming it in his closet/under his bed!!

I admit I have trouble with letting my kids do stuff because it is faster/better if I do it myself. I've recently started handing over the laundry chores to my teens. But it does drive me slightly nuts to see clothes not hung up properly and things not placed in the correct spots. Thankfully, we don't do much folding as I converted to having 90% of our clothes on hangers many, many years ago.

If DW or I see something like that, we make the kid(s) go back and fix it.  My kids hate hearing it, but "Do it right the first time, so you don't have to go back and do it again."

[calimom]

Iowajes, the OP asked for a critique of her parenting style, concerned that her children were being "spoiled". Some rightfully had issue with the word "spoiled", preferring "entitled" instead. Many jumped on the TVs-in-every-room topic, which most agreed was not a great idea. It was thought by several that the pre-school seemed like a reasonable value for what was provided. Some offered some positive solutions: chores, volunteer work, etc. The Chick Fil-A topic jumped out at me for a number of reasons as I previously stated: economics, health and the company's previous (and possibly corrected by now) anti-gay stand. When any of us ask for feedback on anything here, it does invite comments that might be inconvenient. And honestly, if people wish to feed their children fast food, well it's their deal. My kids have certainly gone to and had a good time at Chuck E. Cheese birthday parties and while I haven't lost my mind over it, I wouldn't choose to go there otherwise. I don't patronize Walmart for a variety of reasons, but do understand the reasons people do.

Anyhow, I've enjoyed the topic the OP brought up, and all the responses so far. I'm always learning and making tough decisions, and appreciate others doing so too, not just going along with whatever the status quo might be.

[cjshay]

Real quick (I'm new): What is DH and DD and the different abbreviations ?

I assume one is kid and one is significant other.

[gomike]

Real quick (I'm new): What is DH and DD and the different abbreviations ?

I assume one is kid and one is significant other.

Dear husband dear daughter

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