I HATE breastfeeding.
I know I’m not supposed to say that. I’m supposed to love it. But I can’t.
I have been committed to breastfeeding since day 1. I did everything right. When I was pregnant I read up on breastfeeding and watched videos of correct feeding and latching. I put my daughter to breast within 20 min of her birth. We did skin to skin. We nursed on demand even though she never could seem to get the hang of it. We asked nurses and lactation consultants for assistance throughout our hospital stay. We went to the hospital’s breastfeeding class. When she was hospitalized for jaundice a couple of days after discharge and had to immediately be put on formula due to dehydration, I pumped aggressively around the clock to feed her and keep my supply going.
At home, we had a consultant visit us. We kept trying to nurse, even when a textbook “good” looking latch caused pain and she never drained the breast enough to keep her full or prevent blocked ducts. We went to another professional lactation evaluation where it was determined she was an inefficient feeder. We were instructed to keep practicing and then pump and bottle feed (double feeds). We did this for weeks. If I screwed up and dared to get 4-5 hours of sleep when my daughter was feeling particularly generous at night, I was rewarded with blocked ducts and fever. Ironically, my supply is also slow to respond and we have been on and off supplemental formula every time her appetite increases.
To date, we have had 3 lactation consultations and a breastfeeding class. For the pain I had my daughter professionally evaluated and we tried nipple shields, which then made her feeding even less efficient. For my supply I tried herbs, renting a hospital grade pump, pumping every 2 hours, and cluster pumping. At almost 9 weeks old, she still can’t feed efficiently to satisfy herself and I can’t survive more than 1 natural feed a day without extreme pain. My supply continues to lag and I’m always 1 feed’s worth under where we need to be. Despite spending 3-4 hours a day on a hospital grade pump, there’s no stash of liquid gold in my freezer. I’m always pumping just to get through the next feed, and I still need to supplement with formula a few ounces a day.
I can't go anywhere for very long because I need to pump. I even pump in the car while my husband drives on the rare occasion we do go visit family or friends.
It feels like the only option left is to endure until I break. Even my very supportive consultant seems to have run out of suggestions, and can only keep telling me to just take it one day at a time. When I asked what other moms in my situation did, she admitted that the vast majority of women in my situation usually quit by this point.
I’m reaching out to see if there are any other moms here who experienced something similar. What did you do? How did you come to accept your situation?
I never really had supply issues.
With my first kid, though, I had screaming pain and cracked and bleeding nipples. I had difficulty getting a good latch. My boy has a small mouth. We didn't settle in really until he was 6 weeks old, and even then, I was plagued with plugged ducts off and on until I weaned him at 13.5 months. I had mastitis at least once, that I know of, but probably more than that. I just didn't realize it's what it was.
My second boy is 6 years younger. I thought it would be easier. It wasn't. Still the screaming pain and cracked and bleeding nipples. The visiting nurse made me get a different breastfeeding pillow "My Brest Friend", and it made a world of difference.
But I still had plugged ducts. Even though I pumped more often and worked fewer hours. And this time, I knew what they were. Turmeric, hot compresses, you name it, I tried it.
From 7 months to 8.5 months, I had a plugged duct EVERY WEEK, and it took 2-3 days to get rid of it. Then I'd get another one. At 8.5 months, on the 7th week in a row, I called the doctor's office on a Friday morning. They never called back. I called FOUR TIMES, eventually got a nurse, she blew me off and said "we'll make an appointment for Monday".
Fuck that.
Sunday I stopped pumping and we got the formula. It took about 6 weeks to fully wean - I did not intend to fully wean, but with both boys, they weaned themselves exactly 6 weeks after I stopped pumping. It was SOOOO much better.
It's seriously not really worth it. I think many many people give up too early. It really does take a long while to build up a decent breastfeeding pattern, and get over the pain, and all that. But only YOU know if you've done enough for you. If you are miserable you are not going to fully bond with the baby, and you'll be exhausted. Please just take care of yourself.
I'm glad I pushed through with my first, and glad I fixed the latching issue with the pillow with my second. But nothing I did fixed the plugged ducts, and except for quitting my job (which I wasn't going to do), I just didn't have any other choice. I don't regret switching to formula at all.
(I know many women who nursed, never pumped, and supplemented with formula, and women who only pumped and supplemented with formula too. There are many ways to feed a baby.)