I hate breastfeeding - looking for support/encouragement

[tweezers]

I thought about this thread when I read this last night.

http://www.thestar.com/news/insight/2015/12/13/lactivism-and-the-big-business-of-breastfeeding.html

[everinprogress]

Just wanted to say good luck with your appointment, but whatever you decide, you're doing an awesome job :)

[wvgirl]

I didn't have time to read all the responses, but I just want to let you know that you are not alone, breastfeeding doesn't always work out easily, and you are doing a great job whatever you decide to do going forward.  Hopefully your new plan will give you more time to enjoy your baby!  You are an awesome mom!

Signed, a lactation consultant and la  leche league leader

[MicroRN]

Breastfeeding is awesome when it works well, and lousy when it doesn't.  With my first, I was absolutely determined to breastfeed.  It hurt a lot and the pain never fully went away.  I felt like a dairy cow, either nursing or pumping every 3 hours around the clock, with little to show for it.  He barely gained weight, and kept dropping percentiles.  However, our pediatrician was also a gung-ho "breastfeeding only" type, so despite the frequent weigh-ins showing that he was falling off the charts, she kept telling us he didn't need supplementation, just pump more often.  It slowly got better, but was never great.  When we finally started supplementing around 5 months, my life got so much better.  Baby started gaining weight appropriately and my stress levels plummeted.

With the second one, I promised myself that I was not going through that again.  We'd try nursing, but I was not going to be a martyr to it.  Go figure, baby nursed perfectly from the start, there was no pain, and there was no need to supplement.  With him, I realized why people said breastfeeding was so easy.  I still supplemented with formula when I went back to work at 6 months because I hated pumping so much by then.  I nursed when I was home and he got formula otherwise.

There are so many factors that go into a healthy baby, and having a healthy, happy mom is part of it.  I remember nursing my first and sitting there tense and crying.  It would have been better for both of us to have an enjoyable snuggle time with a bottle of formula.     

[beaster]

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/health-and-fitness/breast-feeeding-debate-has-gone-on-long-enough/article17588366/?service=mobile

[Kitsune]

Oh, man, so much sympathy. You mention that you've had your kid evaluated for oral thrush? Keep an eye out on that (basically: white splotches on her tongue or inner cheeks that don't come off if you scrape them with a fingernail is your best 'quick evaluation') - the first sign of repeated thrush for my daughter was me crying in pain while nursing because it felt like my nipples were literally on fire.

Speaking from personal experience: sometimes, you do the best you can to breastfeed. And sometimes, you recognize a need for sleep and sanity and a life that doesn't revolve around breastfeeding. When my daughter was 6 weeks old, she wasn't growing from breastmilk alone (low supply). I did the lactation clinic rounds (and consultants, herbs, medication, etc)... and in the end said 'eff it' and supplemented with formula. She kept breastfeeding (and boob was the only thing that would reliably calm her, but her actual nutrition was about 50% formula and then solid food and milk), and we recently weaned... she's 20 months old. It doesn't have to be all-or-nothing.

And, also speaking from personal experience: people around you are gonna be judgemental asshats. There's something about being a parent that invites public judgement on every single decision. Think of this as training wheels for them being asshats for the next 18 years, and make the decision that's best for you and your kid (personal bias: breastfeeding is good, formula can be necessary, sleep and well-being for all are primary, do what works), and then practice telling the asshats to f*ck off in progressively less and less polite ways until they determine that they should keep their opinions to themselves. They're not gonna get less judgemental, only better at keeping it to themselves, and that's IF appropriate boundaries are set to encourage that. Access to your boobs and your child is not something that's decided on by committee, and your parenting is not a democracy.

[LiveLean]

The lactation Nazis should be ignored.

My wife felt terribly pressured to breastfeed, even though she had trouble producing. For the first four months of our firstborn's life, he barely slept, always crying. My wife thought there was something wrong with him. There was -- he was famished. I felt like a zombie -- no sleep. At his four-month checkup, he had not gained a single ounce from the month before. This obviously is not normal. The pediatrician insisted we try formula, which I had been begging my wife to do for weeks.

I drove right to Costco, bought some formula, came home and gave our son a bottle...and another....and a third. He let out a massive burp and went to sleep for 12 hours. He's now 13 and when we look at photos of him at 3-4 months, he looks like one of those third world children in ads for feeding starving children.

Thankfully with our second born we went with formula from day one.

[justajane]

The lactation Nazis should be ignored.

I prefer the term zealot, but then again, I don't like to compare very many, if any, people to those who supported genocide and believed in inferior races.

But yes, many proponents of breastfeeding do harm in their insistence that even a drop of formula will compromise the breastfeeding relationship. Hell, my LLL next door neighbor always brought up my son's pacifier. Apparently that is not okay either, even though I had successfully breastfed two kids before that. But I guess success is in the eye of the beholder, since my kids probably received 50% breastmilk and 50% formula in their first years.

Kitsune's point about things not being all or nothing is very good. You can formula feed and breastfeed, so in that sense, I think the "Just switch that kid to formula already!!!" "I quit and my kids are fine" crowd can sometimes also unnecessarily pressure a woman. This can create its own neuroses or issues. You shouldn't feel pressured to quit either.

Essentially this is an intensely personal decision. I've seen public rhetoric swing on this issue many times. Unless you are fully in the attachment/natural parenting bubble, now we seem to be in a period of attacking breastfeeding and vilifying breastfeeding advocates unnecessarily. I see this all the time in the media, especially on Slate and other more progressive sites. Most women who believe in breastfeeding are not "lactivists" or "lactation Nazis." That's an extreme portrayal that does more harm than good IMO.

[justajane]

A few nights of formula is totally worth keeping your baby healthy. I now get testy every time i hear someone say that using supplemental formula is the reason I'm continuing to struggle with nursing. Formula saved my daughter in those first few days.

So sorry you had to go through that. I would say that formula was a life safer in the hospital as much for me as it was for my first baby. I had a very painful episiotomy and needed to rest. No rooming in at night for me. And giving him that tiny amount of formula enabled me to get the rest I needed. I think they did it with my second as well. Can't remember for the most recent for some reason. And he's only 19 months. It goes to show that all of this, whatever you decide, doesn't end up being that lasting in memory in the long run. I remember the wrenching emotions and the pain associated with breastfeeding, but I've forgotten the specific details about how much or how little my three got.

And no, giving your child a little bit of formula, even in the first few days, isn't a death knell for breastfeeding. I wish professionals and laymen would stop asserting the all or nothing approach. 

[KCM5]

And no, giving your child a little bit of formula, even in the first few days, isn't a death knell for breastfeeding. I wish professionals and laymen would stop asserting the all or nothing approach.

YES! Some studies have shown that formula in the first couple of days actually increases breastfeeding success. We should be trying to make things easier, not harder. Hope things are going well for all of you, OP.

[Kitsune]

But the message was so anti-formula, so anti-bottle that I was afraid of screwing up and unintentionally jeopardized my daughter’s health.

This. I was specifically told that 'any formula was the beginning of the end of breastfeeding' and that 'well, you CARE enough to breastfeed' (implication: admitting that it's not working = caring less about your kid), and I very much wanted to be able to breastfeed my daughter (because she got such comfort from it, and closeness, and because it was something I'd never even questioned doing - like, formula hadn't entered my mind until the Dr said she hadn't gained any weight in her first month and that we should supplement...)

I mean, looking back, this seems ridiculous, but I actually sent my husband to buy formula the first time because I was crying too hard to leave the house. Over FEEDING MY CHILD, for chrissake. In a first world country, where we have food and clean water and where we as a family absolutely had the resources to do so. It's ridiculous! No one should be made to feel like that much of a complete failure over breastfeeding (and, let's face it: running on that little sleep and that many post-birth hormones, we're not exactly at our most rational state)! And in our case, she downed a few bottles every day, and basically attached herself to the boob for every hint of comfort and extra milk  she could get, and weaned herself off the boob around 20 months, so a) she grew fine, b) she stopped howling for 4 hours every evening once she got enough food, poor baby was HUNGRY, and c) she breastfed plenty, and the people with the horror stories about formula were full of it, and I'm not particularly inclined to be forgiving about it.

Summary: anyone who has an opinion about how you feed your child can bugger off unless they, themselves, are supplying the boobs and bottles and are available for 2am feedings and are responsible for your child (meaning: your spouse might get an opinion, but everyone else can go f themselves if they get obnoxious). Feed your kid however works, watch them grow, do what works for you and your family. And a mother who gets some rest and is able to take joy in being around her baby, instead of resenting the pumping and lack of sleep, is more important in the long run.

[Meggslynn]

Sorry I haven't read the comments above but as a mom who struggled with breastfeeding very badly ... make the switch to formula. It took a month of my doctor and my mom of trying to convince me before we finally switched to formula and now I really regret waiting that long as I could of avoided some of the extremem ppd and pni I incurred.
Now that we are trying for #2 I tell myself if it doesn't go well again I will not hesitate to switch to formula this time. My relationship with my baby flourished after I stopped breastfeeding.

[happyfeet]

I struggled with breastfeeding and was not successful. This was before lactation specialists. I am in my mid fifties. My best friend was a breast feeding Nazi and made me feel terrible about my decision to use formula.

My two kids are 25 and 23. Zero health issues other than normal stuff. No allergies either. 

Formula is fine.

[SeaEhm]

My encouragement is to do whatever will make you not regret any decisions in the future.

If your child grows up a certain way that is not to your expectation, will you ever question yourself by saying, "Maybe my child would be different if I breastfed."

If no, then stop and say you made the right decision. 

[crispy]

My oldest was tongue-tied and never could latch even after having her little tongue was clipped.  Breastfeeding was a nightmare. I am not sure who cried more - me or her.  Switching to formula was the best decision for all of us.  There is definitely a spectrum between all breastfeeding and all formula so find what works best for you and your baby. 

[Zamboni]

First off, whatever you decide is the right choice. It sounds like you've gone to bottle feeding and pumping what you can to give some breast milk by bottle along with formula as needed. If so, that's the right choice. If not, that's the right choice too. Again, whatever you decide is the right choice.

Now my story:
I understand what you mean about the breast feeding brain washing. I went through that with my own babies (twins.) I read about the benefits and was determined to do it. It was made even worse by my MIL telling me before they were born that I'd never be able to breast feed, that it hurt, and that formula is better anyway. Ugh! Boy, did that make me stubborn!

So, like you, I struggled along like a champ. I was in the hospital for nearly a week and the nurses forced formula on my son when he was losing weight. He just never did get the hang of nursing. I was horrified! I had the lactation consultant come every day. He would get latched and then just stop eating! Then he'd fuss and vomit. But the formula didn't seem any better in terms of the fussing and vomiting. If my daughter hadn't been gaining weight like a champ, then I think in the first 6 weeks they would have declared me a negligent mother!

The pediatrician suggested all kinds of things to increase my supply, and also suggested exclusively breast feeding him and giving my daughter formula for a few days so we could see how much she was eating. 40 oz! Per day! And that was one baby, and I had two. Think about that for a minute: if you are in N. America, then you know how big a 16 oz soda is. Now think about the volume of 80 oz per day. No wonder I was in bad shape and couldn't keep up!

Finally we figured out that he had a legitimate cow's milk allergy to the point that I couldn't have any dairy because the proteins ended up in my breast milk and he needed special formula (not the soy formula, which just made him really constipated, some crazy, pre-digested grey stuff that we called his gruel.) I stopped all dairy and continued to just bottle feed them both a combo of pumped milk and formula and then pump myself. Yes, I pumped in the car, in a supply closet at work since they didn't have any other area I could use, wherever. It felt like all of the time. To keep from going insane, I read books while I pumped. I made it that way for 6 months. At that point they were eating solid foods in addition to the formula, and I felt I had done my part.

That was the right choice for me. Whatever you have decided to do is the right choice for you. You know best. Good luck with it!

[SPMom]

I think my experience was very similar to yours with my first.  I was stuck in a vicious cycle of trying to breastfeed, bottle feeding, pumping, the lactation consultants gave me all sorts of (in retrospect) silly things to try.  I was exhausted and not enjoying my baby at all.

At 6 weeks, finally decided that it was sink or swim time, she was either going to breastfeed or not, but I wasn't going to mess around with all the supplementation.  I fed her constantly, like every hour during the day and throughout the night.  It was only after I started this that I saw that "baby drunk" look (you know, where the baby is so stuffed with food that they get all relaxed and start to fall asleep. 

At the next appointment, the lactation woefully commented that my baby had only gained half the weight she should have so I was going to have switch to formula. I said, nope, I started my breastfeeding boot camp halfway through so the fact that my baby gained half the weight she was supposed to meant that my method was working.  I never went back and successfully breastfed her (and her 5 younger siblings).

That stuff they tell you about how you should nurse for 10 to 15 minutes on each side every 3 to 4 hours BS.  You nurse that baby if she so much as looks at you.  I learned that in the beginning, you might nurse for 5 minutes on one side every hour.  The feeding every 3 to 4 hours is when they are older.  If the baby is awake, you try to nurse her.

If you aren't dealing with medical/physical issues that are preventing the baby from nursing,  I'll suggest simply spending a day holding the baby doing nothing but nursing and reading or other relaxing things (this is your first, right?).  Nurse all the time and don't do anything else, just for a day and see how it goes.  I got too hung up in thinking that I should still be able to do everything I normally do along with all the baby stuff.  It doesn't work that way in the beginning.

And if this still doesn't work, please know that there is no harm or shame in using formula.  I have zero tolerance for people who try to shame moms for using formula.  I only breastfed because, at least for me, it was easier once I got it down.  But I know other moms who could breastfeed and chose formula.  And their kids are just as smart, beautiful and charming as mine.

As for the cost, it is a small price to pay for the baby to have a happy, healthy mom. 

Good luck.

[Ceridwen]

I know this is getting repetitive, but I just wanted to echo the "quit if you don't like it, your kid will be fine" message!

I had insufficient breastmilk for my kids so they were supplemented heavily with formula.  My midwife and some friends really tried to push me to make exclusive breastfeeding happen (pumping regiments, herbs, feeding tubes etc), and I'm so glad I ignored them all and did not hesitate to use formula.  My kids and I were happier for it.

I highly recommend you check out www.fearlessformulafeeder.com.  The FB page is really interesting too.

[SomedayStache]

Rock on mama!   You are doing great.

[starbuck]

Rock on mama!   You are doing great.

Seconded!

[clairebonk]

I am so sorry that you're having such a difficult time! Much empathy. Your kiddo is lucky to have someone as passionate as you as a mom.

[Scubanewbie]

Glad to hear you and your little one are doing well.  I don't remember if I commented back in Dec but I definitely read it and thought you had definitely given it the good college try (and THEN some!) so kudos for you for realizing it wasn't working.

One tiny thing from your latest post.  You say that 3oz is NOT normal and that you had low milk production.  Just a tiny point of clarification....3oz is a perfectly fine pumping session depending on how often you're doing it.  Its lower than many would hope for.  I had a friend who could pump 3x a day and get 10oz each time and I wanted to murder her in her sleep while I pumped 8x per day to get the same amount.  But 8 pumpings x 3oz per day = 24 oz...completely smack dab in the middle of "average" for breastfed babies to eat per day.  http://kellymom.com/bf/pumpingmoms/pumping/milkcalc/

Again, glad you found what worked for you.  Soooo much more important to have a happy, well rested, non-stressed mom who is ENJOYING and loving on LO rather than all the opposite just to do BF!

[Kitsune]

She's growing well, and making huge leaps and bounds in regards to her milestones now that I have more time to play with her (instead of being attached to a pump all day). I still haven't given up on nursing in general though, and I'm hoping that next time around will be much easier. But if it isn't, that's okay too.

Congrats! Seems like you made a good call for you and you family.

Nursing is great when it can happen, but spending time with your daughter is also great. Sometimes, you just gotta go with what works best!

[TrMama]

Fantastic update! Parenting is a crazy long marathon, I'm happy to hear you aren't wearing yourself out right at the beginning.

[Goldielocks]

A quick update for anyone who is interested:

Around week 10 I dropped my pumping schedule to 4-5 times per day, 1/2 hour each session, given that my more aggressive strategy still wasn't providing me with even a full day's worth of milk, let alone anything to store. My supply quickly dwindled and I fully dried up after week 13. Looking back, I now realize that something wasn't normal with my production from the start. My consultants do suspect that I may be one of those unusual women with very low supply, but they aren't sure why. I experienced delayed milk after giving birth (didn't arrive until almost 5 days postpartum, resulting in hospitalization for baby), and even the most aggressive pumping schedule (8-10 times per day on hospital grade pump, including 2 late night/early morning sessions, cluster pumping, diet changes, and herbal supplements all at the same time) never seemed to get me even enough to fully feed her. At best I topped out at 3 ounces per session (from both breasts), which is apparently completely abnormal given the sheer amount of effort I was putting in.

Baby is now on formula and happy as a clam. She's growing well, and making huge leaps and bounds in regards to her milestones now that I have more time to play with her (instead of being attached to a pump all day). I still haven't given up on nursing in general though, and I'm hoping that next time around will be much easier. But if it isn't, that's okay too.

Thanks again for all the support!

I think maybe you are one of the "unusual women with very low supply", that put in a tremendous amount of effort for a sustained time.

Not many women are as committed as you are. It is hard to imagine the willpower that took.  I suspect there are a lot of others out there with "low supply" that simply do not put in the weeks and weeks of effort to "prove" it.

[La Bibliotecaria Feroz]

Thanks for the source! I think what was abnormal was the fact that  it took me so long to even get up to 3oz (week 9-10) on some sessions - most were still around 2.5. And that I could only maintain it with hyper aggressive amounts of effort/diet changes/large amounts of herbal supplements. If I had been able to maintain or increase my output with a reasonable amount of effort, I probably would have stuck with it much longer. A normal amount of effort (just pumping 7-8x a day with a clusterpump round every now and then) would barely get me 2oz a session, and my daughter was eating 3.5 minimum by that point. Sigh. Although, I hear that breastfeeding a first baby can stimulate breast tissue for your next baby, so maybe I'll end up a dairy queen for the next little one!

Yeah, I would have kept going on a part-time basis at least if I could have gotten 3 oz! I was generally unwell and stressed when I was trying to pump and I only got like an ounce in twenty minutes--since I also had a two-year-old and a lot of other things going on, I didn't get past trying fenugreek. Kudos to you for doing everything you could. And every baby is different, so sure, try again!

(Not a perfect analogy, but when I did not succeed at natural childbirth--I had a c-section--I DID try again with my second baby... but maybe I didn't try quiiite so hard. In your shoes, I would definitely try breastfeeding again--to see if it was easier. If it wasn't, I would probably cut my losses sooner! :-) YMMV.)

[Need2Save]

Little_brown_dog: 
I feel for your experience!  We went through something very, very similar with my first son.  He just wouldn't latch on for the first two months!!!  Not two days, two weeks, but two months!! Similar doctor's appointments and consultant visits also did not help us.  I honestly can't remember how many people fondled my sore little boobies in those first two weeks trying to help me!  All discretion just went out the window.   

I don't know why, but I just gave it another try when he was two months old and all of sudden we both got the hang of it.  I was exhausted, depressed  and guilt-ridden those first two months thinking I was not a good mother. I cried a lot!  But I kept up the pumping so he could drink out of the bottle and we had to supplement some with formula.  He also had colic, so let's just say the first three or four months of our relationship as mother and son were a true test!  After his colic subsided around 4 months, something crazy happened.  I got pregnant with #2!  When #2 came 9 months later, he also did not latch on the first week.  Having two little ones in diapers at age 13 months and newborn was a reality check for me and I decided my family was better off with simply going to formula rather than experiencing all the disappointment and heartache all over again.  Both my sons thrived!  No marked difference between #1 and #2 in overhealth health and now they are 16 and 17! 

It sounds like it just wasn't meant to be for you both and I've had friends with similar low-production issues.  When you look back on this experience in a few years, you will realize that this has simply made you a stronger person.  Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it.  Your baby is going to flourish and do amazing things in life.  Enjoy every moment of the journey and focus on nourishing your baby with love and adoration.

[gluskap]

I had a situation very similar to yours with my baby having issues latching and as a result I had supply issues.  I lasted for 6 weeks before finally giving up.  You lasted longer than I did so don't feel bad!

[tobitonic]

Glad you've worked things out. Breast worked for DW both times but was a real struggle the first time until she saw a lactation specialist who gave her the advice she needed (the first lactation specialist, I'm convinced, almost ruined breastfeeding entirely for her). Even then, she had the infections, soreness, and all kinds of issues for the first several months before things smoothed out. However, if things hadn't worked, we'd have used formula and never looked back. What's important is a healthy and happy baby.