We just finished a difficult stage like this with our 3.5 son. Similar situation, great behavior out in public etc, terrible at home. We dealt with kicking,hitting, and spitting as well. After some professional help we realized that he was reacting “normal” in public due to the expectations that our society has placed on what is expected. He was reacting at home because he knew it was a safe environment to do so. After a few months of hard work we have nipped 90% of it in the bud.
We are still dealing with our 5 year old being very physical with his brothers/sisters and other kids. Can you share what strategies you used?
I’m not sure how well it will work for an older kid but this is what we did. Also, we did seek out professional help from a counselor and pay for a session which my wife and I attended and talked about his problems and solutions, well worth the small cost.
We set up a sticker chart with small things he could do to earn stickers during HF the day, some easy some harder. Brush teeth, behave at dinner, etc. You can add in some harder ones that you want to focus on removing the bad behavior too, like didn’t hit anyone today, spend 15 mins or playing by self. Then each 10 stickers he could earn a small prize, book, cheap toy, go with a parent and get rice cream, things your kid would enjoy especially some 1v1 time.
I forget the name of the method but it’s a combination of love and logic and something else. We use the term “reset” when they are doing something they aren’t suppose to. They have to stop, take a deep breath, then if that calmed them down we tell them thank you, reset is over. If it doesn’t work, we send them to their room for a reset for 3 mins, a 5 year old could probably do a bit longer but that’s up to you. After that is over we walk to room and ask if they are finished resetting and ready to rejoin us, if any apologies are needed they will need to go make them now as well. As the parent you need to try and do these things with no emotion when resetting, our school definitely fed off our frustrations.
During the day, not really compliments, but tell him things he is doing right. I see you are sitting there reading a book, I see you are sharing your toys, thank you for following the house rules of stating in your chair at the dinner table. A lot of this is showing them that. You are recognizing their good behavior and not just bad, because the bad behavior is what is getting you to respond to them.
It’s fine for there to be certain behaviors that result in a reset straight to bedroom. Hitting, kicking, spitting etc. Just make sure to let them know.
We also made it clear that if he couldn’t stop from hitting or kicking st home rhatbprobably meant he would act that way at friends so if he wanted to go out that would have to change at home first